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Babies are super cute, soft, cuddly and they just melt your heart with the soft blink of their eyes or that unintentional smile. However, there is a dark side that no one tells you about bringing home your little darling and that is they come with an enormous amount of stress. Sleepless nights, unpredictable schedules, poopy diapers and constant attention can often times wreak havoc on a couple; as if our modern families aren’t complicated enough. Because everything is about the baby and initally, most of the responsibility of caring for the baby falls on one of you, when the excitement of the baby wears off, some couples find themselves estranged.
It’s all over the news. Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair. Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated). Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.
The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved. During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite. They become stressed, worried and fearful. This in turn causes depression. One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce. Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives. Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.
Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.
The most difficult life changing event for any child is the loss of a parent. During this time of loss, it is difficult to know exactly what your child is feeling because so many emotions are taking their toll on the entire family. Unfortunately, I have had an up close and personal view of this situation. I had to help my own children cope with the loss of their father. At the time, my children were 10 and 9.
Parenting is never easy. If it were then every single person in this world would be a parent. There is no owner’s manual (unfortunately) to parenting so we often learn as we go – and that’s alright! No one is perfect and our kids should see that as well.
In the 21st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent. Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them. In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved. Parents are not parenting. Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being. Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families. I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options. It’s utterly ridiculous. Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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