REALITY TV CASTING FOR BLENDED FAMILIES

Have you been told your blended family is so dynamic that you should have your own TV show?

NOW CASTING dynamic blended families for their own reality series!!

Major Cable Network is looking to cast Blended Families To Be or Newly Blended Families who want to share their lives with us. We are looking for outgoing, charismatic families to participate. If you are interested in finding out more about this possible opportunity, please email a brief bio on your family or family to be to cbcasts@yahoo.com

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Laughter: An Important Key To Your Relationship!

“Laughter gives us distance.  It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on….Bob Newhart”

Isn’t there just something extra special and charming about a man or woman who can make you laugh.  My husband is definitely that man for me.  It’s one of the best traits he has.  Being able to laugh in your relationship adds a completely different and important dimension to your relationship.  It adds to your marriage and gives it that extra zing which comes in handy when tensions arise.

Milton Berle once said that “laughter is an instant vacation.”  Think about that statement and how it relates to our marriages and remarriages.  If we are able to remember that in the instance of an argument we can find something to laugh about then we literally “get away” from the stress and drama of what might be causing our tension.  Laughter is more than an efficient tool to have in our (re)marriage tool box, it is essential to the health and emotional state of same.

Laughter is play and good marriages are playful.  Couples who can laugh at themselves and together are actually much stronger when situations arise between them.  However, keep in mind it is important to have balance when it comes to laughter and joking.  There are lots of ways to bring healthy humor and laughter into your marriage.  Of course it’s important to remember that sometimes humor can hurt if it isn’t used properly so here are a few tips to guide you along the way:

  • Be more aware of humorous moments together
  • Be playful together; playing brings on laughter
  • Reflect back on the funny situations that have happened in the past with you and your partner
  • Keep your humor clean when it comes to your spouse.  Don’t offend.
  • Your humor should never be at your spouse’s expense (i.e., joking about weight and/or how they look in general.  That is hurtful.

My husband is not just my life partner, but my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend and my security blanket.  If I have a bad day at work or with a friend, he always has a reason to make me laugh out of the situation.  He has an uncanny ability to make me smile even if I don’t feel like it — I really think it’s because he loves to see my big dimples when I smile (only because he tells me that all the time).  I guess I could have married a stuffy-shirted serious man but I don’t think I would have had near as much fun as I have with my husband. 

Life can be as funny as we make it out to be.  Look for laughter in your daily experiences and share them with your spouse and/or significant other.  Humor in our relationships builds trust and mutual respect.  Take it from me, the benefits are enormous.  Let’s get to more laughter TMF Readers.  Your relationship is worth it!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Dealing With Stress of a New Baby

Newborn babyBabies are super cute, soft, cuddly and they just melt your heart with the soft blink of their eyes or that unintentional smile. However, there is a dark side that no one tells you about bringing home your little darling and that is they come with an enormous amount of stress. Sleepless nights, unpredictable schedules, poopy diapers and constant attention can often times wreak havoc on a couple; as if our modern families aren’t complicated enough. Because everything is about the baby and initally, most of the responsibility of caring for the baby falls on one of you, when the excitement of the baby wears off, some couples find themselves estranged.

A month or so ago I remember one of the ladies on Momversation brought up this very topic. Heather Armstrong from Dooce chimed in by saying that when she and her husband first had children, it took them a while to develop that “tag team” dynamic. I thought that was a cute and appropriate way of putting it because you really do have to have some superb teamwork in order to handle a baby AND maintain your sanity and marriage.  Below are some things that my husband and I have learned as we work together to raise our little cutie, make time for the older boys, ourselves AND  each other.

  1. Realize that you are experiencing a normal situation and it doesn’t mean that you can’t get back that lovin’ feeling.
  2. If you’re missing your spouse, let him or her know that. I know that not eating or sleeping right can make you cranky and irritable all the time, so sometimes it just may good for your spouse to hear, “I miss you.”
  3. If either of you are feeling overwhelmed, talk about it and work together to divide household chores and parenting duties.
  4. Make sure both of you have time away from the baby for at least one hour per day (this is for my stay at home parents). You need that time to rejuvenate so that your body doesn’t completely shut down. Don’t cook or clean during this time (that is not a break)! Put your feet up, watch your favorite show, go visit a good friend or take a hot bubble bath by candle light.
  5. After you put the baby to sleep, carve out 30 minutes of “grown up” time. Talk to each other, cuddle, have some dessert together or you may even have time for a “quickie.”
  6. Realize that this too shall pass. This is just a phase in your lives. Remember, babies grow up, eventually sleep through the night and become less and less dependent on you. Try to keep this in mind and instead of being consumed by the stress, enjoy this sweet little baby while he or she is young.
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Ways To Be A Happier Mom

laughingwomen

Whether you are a mom, a stepmom with or without your own children, being happy is not just a necessity, but crucial.  Some of us tend to create impressions that we are truly happy to satisfy the emotional well-being of our children and husbands but fooling ourselves at the same time.

As I have written in prior posts, I feel that the number one reason we dont allow ourselves to be happy is because we have conjured up this notion that we are not allowed to nurture ourselves.  We refuse to “let go” of being the “be all and do all” for everyone except ourselves.  This is really a crime to our mental and emotional well-beings.  Key words…”being all and doing all” for ourselves, FIRST, doesn’t limt our happiness.

When we are only happy within limits, we are accomplishing nothing except giving ourselves self-satisfaction in exchange for a ruinous path.  By doing this, we cannot submit our grievances to our partners if we are not prepared to change this bad habit at the same time.  By limiting your own personal happiness, later in life, you will be remorseful for not paying attention to yourself.

Throughout my 20′s and 30′s, I lived this way myself, mostly unhappy and neglected;  not because I couldn’t be happy, but because I chose to put everyone ahead of me!  Because I was a single mom for most of those years, I didn’t think I had the time, nor did I feel it was proper to put myself before my children.  Boy, was I wrong!   As I have stated before, it’s like when you first board the airplane;  the stewardess teaches you to always put the oxygen mask on yourself before your children.  Why, because if you aren’t healthy and able-bodied how can you help anyone else?  The same goes for taking care of ourselves as single parents, moms and stepmoms.   It wasn’t until recently, in  my early 40′s did I really begin to see those effects and how by incorporating a few simple changes I could make my life better.  It really was an epiphany to me.  Now, I yearn each day to see what other ways I can find to incorporate more happiness.  By doing this, I have become a way better mother and stepmother.

Here are a few simple tips for nurturing that you can apply in your life as well:

  • Take time to focus on your personal spiritual growth.
  • Splurge on yourself once in a while — you work hard — you deserve it!
  • Take 1 hour a day to yourself and focus on YOU!
  • Surround yourself with good people who are uplifting.
  • Take time for friendships.
  • Take a class or focus on a hobby that brings you joy.

Another important value of finding happiness is “weeding out your obstacles.”  Keep in mind that just as weeds can take over a garden or a flower bed, they can take over your thoughts, perceptions and attitudes to the detriment of your own well-being.  Even healthy plants, if they aren’t cultivated properly, get sick.  As women, we run ourselves down at the drop of a hat; even dropping everything at a moments notice when our children, step-children or husbands need something.  Often times, it becomes overwhelming and feels like you are fighting against a never-ending current, all of which makes us uneven and out of balance.

Moving our obstacles out of the way of our true happiness allows us to take a stand for what is crucial to preserve…and that is living not just happily but abundantly.  Our children and step-children will grow up and move on and we need to have our own happiness.  As I stated in the preamble of this post, this not only applies to moms, but equally importantly to step-moms.  There is a preconceived notion that it’s okay for moms to need a break from the monotony of every day life and motherhood, but if a stepmom expresses such, she is being weak, unloving and mean.  What husbands and ex-wives forget is that a stepmom deals with the same, if not more, issues and stresses any other parent in the blended family.  Think about it, she has her own children, her stepchildren, constantly changing routines to fit everyone, and most of the time, she is overlooked in the appreciation department.  Even still, she also deserves to find happiness and to take time for herself as well. 

So get on board ladies!!  Don’t be afraid to move and weed out those obstacles!  I promise you, you will be a better person and mother for it!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Step-parenting and Separation

sandrabullockIt’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Depression and Children of Divorce

sadgirlThe most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

  • Sleep problems
  • Poor concentration
  • Declining grades
  • Drug or alcohol abuse
  • Self-injury
  • Change in eating habits
  • Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

  • Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
  • Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
  • Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
  • Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
  • Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

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Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

teengirl1Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360′s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3′s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

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Helping a child cope with a parent’s death

sadchildThe most difficult life changing event for any child is the loss of a parent.  During this time of loss, it is difficult to know exactly what your child is feeling because so many emotions are taking their toll on the entire family.   Unfortunately, I have had an up close and personal view of this situation.  I had to help my own children cope with the loss of their father.  At the time, my children were 10 and 9.

Trying to explain death is never easy, but is one that is especially hard to explain to children.  Children have a very literal view of the world.  My children saw death as being something that happened to ”old” people and their dad was young.  Although at 10 and 9, they knew that someone could die or pass away, and they understood what a funeral was, they didn’t seem to understand the finality of it, and had a hard time coming to terms with that.  This is very common amongst children under 13.  However, a teenager may view this experience on a whole different level.  Teenagers understand that eventually everyone dies.  In dealing with their pain, they may have bouts of anger, depression and constant worry.   In some cases, teenagers develop fears about their own individual mortality and the mortality of their surviving parent and siblings, even becoming extremely anxious about it.  My son went through this experience far into his teenage years.  All of these issues are very natural for a child/teenager who is dealing with the death of a parent.

I wanted to share some of the ways I helped my children to cope with their fathers death with you readers.  I know it is a touchy subject, but one that I feel is extremely important.  Here are a few helpful items that I used and a few that I researched as well, all of which are very helpful:

1.  Be honest with your children about their feelings.   If they are in their room screaming and crying — let them.   If they are angry for a while — understand them and allow them to express it.  The worst thing that can happen to them has become a reality.  They have to be able to express themselves in order to move on.   Remind them that they will not be judged for their emotions.

2.  Get them good grief counseling.  This is one of the most important things you can do for your child.  I learned so much from my childrens’ grief counselor about the way their minds were handling this pain and what I could expect that they would be going through in the near future.  It helped me to be a more prepared parent and allowed me to help them more than I could have on my own.

3.  Keep them grounded. Try to keep their lives moving as they were before.  Get them back on their same schedules with activities as soon as you can.  Obviously, a very important part of their life has changed, but keeping some of their normal activities the same will help them carry on and will give them back a little normalcy that they are used to.  Do not isolate them.

4.  Patience.  Very important.  Have plenty of it.  Remember, a child’s parent is their safety net.  When mom or dad  is taken away from them suddenly, they can feel like their life is crashing around them.  Be honest with them and reinforce to them that you love them and that the family will get through this together.  Reinforce to them that it will take time, but you have all of the time in the world for them.

5.  Memories.  When the time is right, allow them to have special mementos (i.e., for a teen maybe their parents drivers license), a watch, pictures, or a special piece of jewelry.  This is a way to allow your children to keep their parent close.  Allow them to do volunteer work in honor of their parent.

6.  Share your spiritual beliefs. Sharing your families spiritual beliefs and explaining the meanings to them will help ease their pain.

Mourning the loss of a parent is a life-long process, one that does not come easy.   As some have already experienced and as others can only imagine, the pain never goes away completely.  By being understanding, giving them space and time to heal and having patience with them, they will learn to come through it, I promise.

If you are a parent who’s lost a spouse or your child is dealing with the loss of a parent and would like more private help on this issue, please feel free to email me at diane@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.  I would be more than willing to share my experience and offer my help.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Teach Your Children to be Independent Not Co-Dependent

“Foster independence among your children. Encourage them to cook,
clean, and contribute.” — Brian Tracy

momgirldishwashingParenting is never easy. If it were then every single person in this world would be a parent. There is no owner’s manual (unfortunately) to parenting so we often learn as we go – and that’s alright! No one is perfect and our kids should see that as well.

The quote above was so good I just had to share. Some think that the more “things” we give our kids and the more we let them have their way and the more we do things for them the better they’ll be to take on the world. But we are actually hindering their development by doing so. Lessons are always learned on the other side of a mistake. Some mistakes are worse than others but all teach a lesson. If we never let our children learn things on their own then the only thing they will know is how to be co-dependent.

Now we all want better for our children than we had it. We strive to make a better life for them and give them the things we never had. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for ourselves and our families. We just need to be careful how much importance we place on the ideology of having more things means you’re successful in life. Things are an outward way of showing success or insecurity. Some feel that they have to “keep up with the Jones’” to feel important and in doing just that they go into more debt just to put on a show. That’s not what we want to teach our children.

By having your children cook, clean, and contribute as the author of the quote above states, you are encouraging a good work ethic and also diminishing the sense of entitlement a lot of children seem to have these days. Everyone has to work for something. Whether it is a new car, a new pair of shoes, or even getting your home repaired. Children should require no less. They should know how it feels to accomplish a goal and THEN receive the reward. Not getting the reward for just being a kid (Sometimes that’s good too though – in moderation).

Having chores or having your children participate in making dinner is a great way to integrate good morals in your kids. Eating together is another way to form bonds as a family. Letting your kids have a voice is great and that encourages self esteem and self worth in your children. There is a difference in letting your kids have a voice and respecting that and letting them get their way – YOU are still the parent.

Obviously there are child labor laws for a reason so don’t take this and run with it – but there are many positive aspects in having your children become contributing members of your household. If your kids are small then let them help unload the dishwasher or let them add ingredients while baking. If your kids are tweens, let them begin to watch younger siblings in small increments of time or give them a specific part of the house that they are in charge of keeping clean. If your kids are teenagers or older, have them mow the grass or shovel the driveway in the winter, and a part-time job is also a great way to prepare them and give them a taste of the real world.

Parenting is trial and error. We all hope that the trials outweigh the errors, but like I said no one is perfect. Try and keep balance in your home between work, family time, school, and social events. The more your kids feel a part of something the better your family will run.

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Divorce and Befriending Your Child

parentteensmIn the 21st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent.  Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them.  In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved.  Parents are not parenting.  Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being.  Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families.  I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.

For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision.  Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior.  When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol.  The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.

As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce.  Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause.  The other person harmed is the child.  Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you.  They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid.  They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections.  When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite.  A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness.  In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them.  Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask?  I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing.  They use their children.  The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious.  Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.

Remember, all of your feelings are okay – how you act upon those feelings are not.  Be a parent, not a friend.  When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend.  BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue.  Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend?  Do you think it’s appropriate?  Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role?  I invite your comments and dialogue.

Di

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