Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360’s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3’s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

Helping a child cope with a parent’s death

The most difficult life changing event for any child is the loss of a parent.  During this time of loss, it is difficult to know exactly what your child is feeling because so many emotions are taking their toll on the entire family.   Unfortunately, I have had an up close and personal view of this situation.  I had to help my own children cope with the loss of their father.  At the time, my children were 10 and 9.

Trying to explain death is never easy, but is one that is especially hard to explain to children.  Children have a very literal view of the world.  My children saw death as being something that happened to ”old” people and their dad was young.  Although at 10 and 9, they knew that someone could die or pass away, and they understood what a funeral was, they didn’t seem to understand the finality of it, and had a hard time coming to terms with that.  This is very common amongst children under 13.  However, a teenager may view this experience on a whole different level.  Teenagers understand that eventually everyone dies.  In dealing with their pain, they may have bouts of anger, depression and constant worry.   In some cases, teenagers develop fears about their own individual mortality and the mortality of their surviving parent and siblings, even becoming extremely anxious about it.  My son went through this experience far into his teenage years.  All of these issues are very natural for a child/teenager who is dealing with the death of a parent.

I wanted to share some of the ways I helped my children to cope with their fathers death with you readers.  I know it is a touchy subject, but one that I feel is extremely important.  Here are a few helpful items that I used and a few that I researched as well, all of which are very helpful:

1.  Be honest with your children about their feelings.   If they are in their room screaming and crying — let them.   If they are angry for a while — understand them and allow them to express it.  The worst thing that can happen to them has become a reality.  They have to be able to express themselves in order to move on.   Remind them that they will not be judged for their emotions.

2.  Get them good grief counseling.  This is one of the most important things you can do for your child.  I learned so much from my childrens’ grief counselor about the way their minds were handling this pain and what I could expect that they would be going through in the near future.  It helped me to be a more prepared parent and allowed me to help them more than I could have on my own.

3.  Keep them grounded. Try to keep their lives moving as they were before.  Get them back on their same schedules with activities as soon as you can.  Obviously, a very important part of their life has changed, but keeping some of their normal activities the same will help them carry on and will give them back a little normalcy that they are used to.  Do not isolate them.

4.  Patience.  Very important.  Have plenty of it.  Remember, a child’s parent is their safety net.  When mom or dad  is taken away from them suddenly, they can feel like their life is crashing around them.  Be honest with them and reinforce to them that you love them and that the family will get through this together.  Reinforce to them that it will take time, but you have all of the time in the world for them.

5.  Memories.  When the time is right, allow them to have special mementos (i.e., for a teen maybe their parents drivers license), a watch, pictures, or a special piece of jewelry.  This is a way to allow your children to keep their parent close.  Allow them to do volunteer work in honor of their parent.

6.  Share your spiritual beliefs. Sharing your families spiritual beliefs and explaining the meanings to them will help ease their pain.

Mourning the loss of a parent is a life-long process, one that does not come easy.   As some have already experienced and as others can only imagine, the pain never goes away completely.  By being understanding, giving them space and time to heal and having patience with them, they will learn to come through it, I promise.

If you are a parent who’s lost a spouse or your child is dealing with the loss of a parent and would like more private help on this issue, please feel free to email me at diane@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.  I would be more than willing to share my experience and offer my help.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Teach Your Children to be Independent Not Co-Dependent

“Foster independence among your children. Encourage them to cook,
clean, and contribute.” — Brian Tracy

Parenting is never easy. If it were then every single person in this world would be a parent. There is no owner’s manual (unfortunately) to parenting so we often learn as we go – and that’s alright! No one is perfect and our kids should see that as well.

The quote above was so good I just had to share. Some think that the more “things” we give our kids and the more we let them have their way and the more we do things for them the better they’ll be to take on the world. But we are actually hindering their development by doing so. Lessons are always learned on the other side of a mistake. Some mistakes are worse than others but all teach a lesson. If we never let our children learn things on their own then the only thing they will know is how to be co-dependent.

Now we all want better for our children than we had it. We strive to make a better life for them and give them the things we never had. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for ourselves and our families. We just need to be careful how much importance we place on the ideology of having more things means you’re successful in life. Things are an outward way of showing success or insecurity. Some feel that they have to “keep up with the Jones’” to feel important and in doing just that they go into more debt just to put on a show. That’s not what we want to teach our children.

By having your children cook, clean, and contribute as the author of the quote above states, you are encouraging a good work ethic and also diminishing the sense of entitlement a lot of children seem to have these days. Everyone has to work for something. Whether it is a new car, a new pair of shoes, or even getting your home repaired. Children should require no less. They should know how it feels to accomplish a goal and THEN receive the reward. Not getting the reward for just being a kid (Sometimes that’s good too though – in moderation).

Having chores or having your children participate in making dinner is a great way to integrate good morals in your kids. Eating together is another way to form bonds as a family. Letting your kids have a voice is great and that encourages self esteem and self worth in your children. There is a difference in letting your kids have a voice and respecting that and letting them get their way – YOU are still the parent.

Obviously there are child labor laws for a reason so don’t take this and run with it – but there are many positive aspects in having your children become contributing members of your household. If your kids are small then let them help unload the dishwasher or let them add ingredients while baking. If your kids are tweens, let them begin to watch younger siblings in small increments of time or give them a specific part of the house that they are in charge of keeping clean. If your kids are teenagers or older, have them mow the grass or shovel the driveway in the winter, and a part-time job is also a great way to prepare them and give them a taste of the real world.

Parenting is trial and error. We all hope that the trials outweigh the errors, but like I said no one is perfect. Try and keep balance in your home between work, family time, school, and social events. The more your kids feel a part of something the better your family will run.

Divorce and Befriending Your Child

In the 21^st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent.  Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them.  In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved.  Parents are not parenting.  Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being.  Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families.  I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.

For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision.  Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior.  When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol.  The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.

As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce.  Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause.  The other person harmed is the child.  Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you.  They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid.  They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections.  When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite.  A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness.  In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them.  Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask?  I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing.  They use their children.  The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious.  Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.

Remember, all of your feelings are okay - how you act upon those feelings are not.  Be a parent, not a friend.  When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend.  BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue.  Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend?  Do you think it’s appropriate?  Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role?  I invite your comments and dialogue.

Di

Teach Your Children to Get to Know You!

In the October issue of the Awake magazine, given to me by my sister-in-law, there were some great unbiased tips and ideas for children on getting to know their parents better.   As I read, it struck me that due to the extremely high divorce rate all over the world, this is a matter that I would like to touch on and hope to inspire some of our BFSO readers to share with their children.    

I remember when I was younger, my mother would tell me stories about her youth and teenage years.   As I stepped into young adulthood and began to make plenty of mistakes, she would elaborate about her mistakes and the lessons she learned from them as well.   I felt blessed to have shared these experiences because sometimes parents are fearful of expressing their mistakes to their children out of fear that their children will think less of them.  However, in my case, some of the mistakes I made were easier to trudge through knowing that my mother had “been there, done that.”  I was more open to listening to her and to learning from the past.

For our children, there is always room for them to get to know us better.  There are many benefits for children in getting to know their parents better.   First, there is so much to learn about their family history, their family lives, their attitudes and perceptions and their love.   Due to the high divorce rates, a lot of us know little or nothing about our parents.  Distance between residences plays a huge role.  However, even if your parents aren’t divorced, they probably haven’t told you everything about themselves.

Here are just a few more benefits that help our children to better understand us:

1.   Your children will gain knowledgeable insight into your point of views.

2.   You will become more comfortable sharing experiences with your children.

3.  Your children will appreciate your efforts to teach them about your life and your family.

Remember, teaching our children about us, as parents, in turn teaches them about life.  For example, sharing with them about our struggles reinforces our decisions when they are having to be made regarding our children (i.e., they will understand why at times we have to be frugal with our money because we always had less materially growing up).  Or, another example of opening up communication might be a father might share the experience of his “first love” with his daughter so that when the time comes that she needs to open up about her first boyfriend or crush, she will be comfortable with talking to her father.   Fathers can teach their daughters so many lessons, but most of the time, shy away from talking to their daughters. 

Teaching our children about our life experiences will help them with their own struggles and frustrations when they themselves reach adulthood.  Obviously, some conversations are hard to initiate like the father/daughter example above, but often times the answers to your children’s questions will lead to a story or some example that you can provide for them. 

Communicating with our children creates strong bonds not to mention when they are older, they will appreciate all of the lessons they have learned, all of the conversations they have had and, most importantly, all that they know about their parents.  Then, they will pass those same lessons on to their own children in the future.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Co-Parenting with the Angry Ex-Spouse!

Di offered some great tips on how to co-parent effectively in a blended family in her last article. She said it was all about mutual respect for one another and learning to face challenges together, for the sake of the kids. That all sounds wonderful IF all parties actually do have mutual respect for one another and want to learn to face challenges together for the sake of the kids. But, the sad reality is that the majority of blended families are not interested in doing either. Should they be? Of course. But if we all lived in a world of ’shoulds’ it would be a much better place. We have to deal with our current reality.  So the question remains - how do you do the above-mentioned for the sake of the kids when all parties involved are not interested in doing so? The answer - you just can’t! You can’t create the ideal harmonious blend if everyone isn’t interested.

Having a controlling angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport. The controlling angry ex-spouse is the ultimate manipulator. He or she (they can come in both genders) will do their best to make it impossible for you to adhere to a court order by constantly requesting visitation time changes, but then tell the courts that you are in violation of the court order. These parents will claim that they know the importance of the child having meaningful contact with both parents, but then make it impossible for you to do so.

Divorced parents who fail to co-parent effectively are often ordered, by the courts, to attend mediation, counseling or co-parenting classes. During these types of classes therapists, counselors and mediators feed these couples the obvious. Don’t say anything bad about the other parent to the child, make sure you communicate with each other…They make it sound so easy, right?? What they don’t, but should tell you, is that co-parenting is literally a NIGHTMARE for many divorced couples. If they know that ahead of time, then they know what to prepare for. I tell my couples all the things they shouldn’t do ahead of time because the things they should be doing are obvious.  For example, don’t stew over the fact that little Billy didn’t return home in the jeans that you sent him in. Is it really worth it to sent angry emails or texts back and forth, for weeks, over some jeans?? If you continually make a big deal out of trivial issues, then nobody wins, including your child.

That being said, even when I advise on what not to do, some divorced couples (including my husband and his ex-wife) just can’t get it right. So we move to Plan B - realize that you’ll probably never be friends, that angry ex is not likely to change anytime soon and do the best you can to maintain a relationship with your child, not your ex!  Often times, this requires you to have no or very limited contact with your ex-spouse.  Keep all conversations, preferrably via email, about the child and that’s it. There are even online co-parenting calendars so that you can discuss and plan (if changes should arise) visitation and child support issues online, instead of via phone or in person. If this still doesn’t work and the angry ex still continues to bitch and moan while preventing you from seeing your child, make sure you keep an accurate record of everything that he or she is doing and allow the courts to decide. Most importantly, NEVER engage in any altercations with your ex-spouse. Don’t allow your emotions to guide you and TRY not to take anything personally.

All in all, the best thing you can do when co-parenting with an angry controlling ex-spouse is to plan ahead and take preventive measures to make sure that his or her behavior doesn’t interfere with your relationship with your child. More often than not, you were made aware of your ex-spouse’s behavior prior to the divorce. Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that he or she would never do anything to harm your relationship with your child and prepare as if they would. Accept your reality and don’t try to be friends. Instead treat co-parenting as if it were a business relationship and don’t allow emotions to enter in from the very beginning. This information applies to current spouses as well (meaning, current spouses shouldn’t put all of their energy into befriending their current spouse’s ex, if he or she isn’t interested).

Now I know there will be some who are outraged because you think that little Billy deserves more, and you’re right, he does. But remember, you can’t FORCE someone to act as they should , get along with you or be your friend. All you can do is control your own actions and then try to make the best of a bad situation for your child’s sake.

Stress Management - Get a Grip on the Things that Give You Grief!

Long day…….THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!

Worked, ran 50 errands, taxied my son to and from soccer practice, cooked, cleaned, ran back to the grocery store for the bag I forgot…..day in and day out, the same old routine.  Life can be hectic and overwhelming and can even attribute to an unhealthy physical well-being.

There is a lot you can do to relieve stress if you allow, prepare and train yourself to give yourself the well deserved “ME” time.

Here are a few ideas I read in last months Family Circle magazine, incorporated with a few of my own, to help alleviate some of the stress:

1. Meditate — When thoughts are racing out-of-control, imagine a clock ticking through the minutes and remind yourself “and this too shall pass!”
2. Adopt a space everyday (I do 30 minutes) on your calendar for “ME” time, whether you soak in a bathtub, take a walk, curl up on your bed with a warm blanket and a book, that time is all yours.
3. Do not say “yes” to every party or event or to everything and everyone in your life.  If it does not enrich your life, you should have no problem turning it down.
4. Give yourself “pep talks.”  Repeat self-affirming phrases.  When something is getting me down, for example, I often refer to religious phrases like, “Victory is Mine.”  Make your affirmations a part of your daily routine.
5. Exercise!!!  I walk, or try to, everyday at lunch.  Exercise relieves tension.
6. Do a good deed for someone.  This is the best way to feel good and heal when you are over-stressed.  It allows you to focus on something other than your daily stresses.  Examples can be sending an e-card, dropping off a donation, call a friend to see how they are doing or drop a line to a relative.

Try these tips….just 30 minutes….it will work wonders!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Grandparents or Distant Acquaintances in the Blended Family?

Remember the days when you couldn’t wait to go to grandma’s house? She’d bake your favorite cookies, tell those wonderful stories and spoil you rotten. Grandma was seen and respected as the matriarch of the family; full of wisdom and unconditional love. Nowadays, grandma is seen as a distant acquaintance instead of a strong maternal figure on which her grandchildren can rely. Why? Divorce and remarriage creates many conditions for grandparents and step-grandparents and it’s important that blended families are made aware of this.

What divorced and remarried couples don’t seem to realize is that divorce and remarriage is hard on EVERYONE; not just them. It’s hard on any children involved and grandparents, too! All of these people didn’t have a choice when it came to the divorce or remarriage and the conditions attached to who and how they can love is completely unfair. Children are told how they can love their stepmother. It is implied that they can’t get too close to her because it might hurt the ex-wife’s feelings. By that same token, it is implied that their step-grandparents aren’t really their grandparents, so they shouldn’t call them grandma or grandpa. Grandparents are also given a bunch of rules and conditions regarding how they can love their grandchildren and step-grandchildren. Almost immediately, they are watched as if they are under a microscope, waiting to see if they will favor one child over the other; a common complaint in the blended family. Grandma and grandpa bring something for their biological grandchildren, but not their step-grandchildren.

There are  so many conflicting loyalties that exist with a newly formed blended family that all the confusion gets in the way of the love. Children’s loyalties are divided between their biological parents and their step-parents. Grandparent’s loyalties are divided between the ex and the new wife and it is especially easy for them [grandparents] to allow this disdain to infiltrate into the blended family. It’s almost as if resentment sets in because now they are immediately expected to connect with children that they just don’t know, and there are so many rules regarding how they should build that connection. Divorced couples, including new spouses and old spouses, new parents and old parents, need to realize this and be more understanding of what everyone in the blended family has to contend with.

By that same token, grandparents, although it seems so unfair, there are some things that you need to be mindful of as well. Always be mindful of the fact that there are children involved and it is up to the adults, including the grandparents to lead by example. If your feelings are hurt, a bit of resentment has set it and you feel the situation is unfair, imagine how these children feel and put forth every effort to make the situation better for them. Don’t pull away out of frustration! Instead, let’s return to the days of old when grandma and grandpa were the glue that held families together. Who cares if the the wives don’t get along or the ex-spouses can’t communicate. Impart your years of wisdom and love on your family and NEVER partake in the “competition” that exists in most blended families.  Below are more tips for grandparents and step-grandparents:

1. The most important rule to remember is that there are CHILDREN involved and we should never take it out on them. Adults should know better!
2. All children were created equal! Please don’t treat them any differently. I know it’s not fair and you didn’t ask for this type of family, but neither did they.
3. Encourage your step-grandchildren to call you what your biological grandchildren do. It will make them feel more apart of the family.
4. Don’t compete with the other grandparents and remember that your grandchildren will likely want to spend time with all of their grandparents; which means that your time will be limited.
5. Don’t view the blended family as a temporary situation.  Often times grandparents, because they don’t come from a generation of divorce, views the blended family as temporary and therefore do not put much effort into bonding with their newly formed families.
6. If distance is a factor, remember it’s okay to call your grandchildren when they are with the custodial parent. Don’t feel like you can’t just because the ex-wife may not be getting along with the new wife. Their squabble has nothing to do with you!
7. Remember your role in the blended family as it shouldn’t be any different than that of a traditional family. God has granted you with years of wisdom and life experience that your children (including their new spouse), grandchildren and step-grandchildren can benefit from.
8. Don’t allow the bickering, divided loyalties and mayhem that blended family creates force you to go from being grandparents to distant acquaintances. Whether your children or grandchildren know it or not, they need you!!!

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