Teach Your Children to Get to Know You!

In the October issue of the Awake magazine, given to me by my sister-in-law, there were some great unbiased tips and ideas for children on getting to know their parents better.   As I read, it struck me that due to the extremely high divorce rate all over the world, this is a matter that I would like to touch on and hope to inspire some of our BFSO readers to share with their children.    

I remember when I was younger, my mother would tell me stories about her youth and teenage years.   As I stepped into young adulthood and began to make plenty of mistakes, she would elaborate about her mistakes and the lessons she learned from them as well.   I felt blessed to have shared these experiences because sometimes parents are fearful of expressing their mistakes to their children out of fear that their children will think less of them.  However, in my case, some of the mistakes I made were easier to trudge through knowing that my mother had “been there, done that.”  I was more open to listening to her and to learning from the past.

For our children, there is always room for them to get to know us better.  There are many benefits for children in getting to know their parents better.   First, there is so much to learn about their family history, their family lives, their attitudes and perceptions and their love.   Due to the high divorce rates, a lot of us know little or nothing about our parents.  Distance between residences plays a huge role.  However, even if your parents aren’t divorced, they probably haven’t told you everything about themselves.

Here are just a few more benefits that help our children to better understand us:

1.   Your children will gain knowledgeable insight into your point of views.

2.   You will become more comfortable sharing experiences with your children.

3.  Your children will appreciate your efforts to teach them about your life and your family.

Remember, teaching our children about us, as parents, in turn teaches them about life.  For example, sharing with them about our struggles reinforces our decisions when they are having to be made regarding our children (i.e., they will understand why at times we have to be frugal with our money because we always had less materially growing up).  Or, another example of opening up communication might be a father might share the experience of his “first love” with his daughter so that when the time comes that she needs to open up about her first boyfriend or crush, she will be comfortable with talking to her father.   Fathers can teach their daughters so many lessons, but most of the time, shy away from talking to their daughters. 

Teaching our children about our life experiences will help them with their own struggles and frustrations when they themselves reach adulthood.  Obviously, some conversations are hard to initiate like the father/daughter example above, but often times the answers to your children’s questions will lead to a story or some example that you can provide for them. 

Communicating with our children creates strong bonds not to mention when they are older, they will appreciate all of the lessons they have learned, all of the conversations they have had and, most importantly, all that they know about their parents.  Then, they will pass those same lessons on to their own children in the future.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Co-Parenting with the Angry Ex-Spouse!

Di offered some great tips on how to co-parent effectively in a blended family in her last article. She said it was all about mutual respect for one another and learning to face challenges together, for the sake of the kids. That all sounds wonderful IF all parties actually do have mutual respect for one another and want to learn to face challenges together for the sake of the kids. But, the sad reality is that the majority of blended families are not interested in doing either. Should they be? Of course. But if we all lived in a world of ‘shoulds’ it would be a much better place. We have to deal with our current reality.  So the question remains – how do you do the above-mentioned for the sake of the kids when all parties involved are not interested in doing so? The answer – you just can’t! You can’t create the ideal harmonious blend if everyone isn’t interested.

Having a controlling angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport. The controlling angry ex-spouse is the ultimate manipulator. He or she (they can come in both genders) will do their best to make it impossible for you to adhere to a court order by constantly requesting visitation time changes, but then tell the courts that you are in violation of the court order. These parents will claim that they know the importance of the child having meaningful contact with both parents, but then make it impossible for you to do so.

Divorced parents who fail to co-parent effectively are often ordered, by the courts, to attend mediation, counseling or co-parenting classes. During these types of classes therapists, counselors and mediators feed these couples the obvious. Don’t say anything bad about the other parent to the child, make sure you communicate with each other…They make it sound so easy, right?? What they don’t, but should tell you, is that co-parenting is literally a NIGHTMARE for many divorced couples. If they know that ahead of time, then they know what to prepare for. I tell my couples all the things they shouldn’t do ahead of time because the things they should be doing are obvious.  For example, don’t stew over the fact that little Billy didn’t return home in the jeans that you sent him in. Is it really worth it to sent angry emails or texts back and forth, for weeks, over some jeans?? If you continually make a big deal out of trivial issues, then nobody wins, including your child.

That being said, even when I advise on what not to do, some divorced couples (including my husband and his ex-wife) just can’t get it right. So we move to Plan B – realize that you’ll probably never be friends, that angry ex is not likely to change anytime soon and do the best you can to maintain a relationship with your child, not your ex!  Often times, this requires you to have no or very limited contact with your ex-spouse.  Keep all conversations, preferrably via email, about the child and that’s it. There are even online co-parenting calendars so that you can discuss and plan (if changes should arise) visitation and child support issues online, instead of via phone or in person. If this still doesn’t work and the angry ex still continues to bitch and moan while preventing you from seeing your child, make sure you keep an accurate record of everything that he or she is doing and allow the courts to decide. Most importantly, NEVER engage in any altercations with your ex-spouse. Don’t allow your emotions to guide you and TRY not to take anything personally.

All in all, the best thing you can do when co-parenting with an angry controlling ex-spouse is to plan ahead and take preventive measures to make sure that his or her behavior doesn’t interfere with your relationship with your child. More often than not, you were made aware of your ex-spouse’s behavior prior to the divorce. Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that he or she would never do anything to harm your relationship with your child and prepare as if they would. Accept your reality and don’t try to be friends. Instead treat co-parenting as if it were a business relationship and don’t allow emotions to enter in from the very beginning. This information applies to current spouses as well (meaning, current spouses shouldn’t put all of their energy into befriending their current spouse’s ex, if he or she isn’t interested).

Now I know there will be some who are outraged because you think that little Billy deserves more, and you’re right, he does. But remember, you can’t FORCE someone to act as they should , get along with you or be your friend. All you can do is control your own actions and then try to make the best of a bad situation for your child’s sake.

Stress Management – Get a Grip on the Things that Give You Grief!

Long day…….THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!

Worked, ran 50 errands, taxied my son to and from soccer practice, cooked, cleaned, ran back to the grocery store for the bag I forgot…..day in and day out, the same old routine.  Life can be hectic and overwhelming and can even attribute to an unhealthy physical well-being.

There is a lot you can do to relieve stress if you allow, prepare and train yourself to give yourself the well deserved “ME” time.

Here are a few ideas I read in last months Family Circle magazine, incorporated with a few of my own, to help alleviate some of the stress:

1. Meditate — When thoughts are racing out-of-control, imagine a clock ticking through the minutes and remind yourself “and this too shall pass!”
2. Adopt a space everyday (I do 30 minutes) on your calendar for “ME” time, whether you soak in a bathtub, take a walk, curl up on your bed with a warm blanket and a book, that time is all yours.
3. Do not say “yes” to every party or event or to everything and everyone in your life.  If it does not enrich your life, you should have no problem turning it down.
4. Give yourself “pep talks.”  Repeat self-affirming phrases.  When something is getting me down, for example, I often refer to religious phrases like, “Victory is Mine.”  Make your affirmations a part of your daily routine.
5. Exercise!!!  I walk, or try to, everyday at lunch.  Exercise relieves tension.
6. Do a good deed for someone.  This is the best way to feel good and heal when you are over-stressed.  It allows you to focus on something other than your daily stresses.  Examples can be sending an e-card, dropping off a donation, call a friend to see how they are doing or drop a line to a relative.

Try these tips….just 30 minutes….it will work wonders!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Grandparents or Distant Acquaintances in the Blended Family?

Remember the days when you couldn’t wait to go to grandma’s house? She’d bake your favorite cookies, tell those wonderful stories and spoil you rotten. Grandma was seen and respected as the matriarch of the family; full of wisdom and unconditional love. Nowadays, grandma is seen as a distant acquaintance instead of a strong maternal figure on which her grandchildren can rely. Why? Divorce and remarriage creates many conditions for grandparents and step-grandparents and it’s important that blended families are made aware of this.

What divorced and remarried couples don’t seem to realize is that divorce and remarriage is hard on EVERYONE; not just them. It’s hard on any children involved and grandparents, too! All of these people didn’t have a choice when it came to the divorce or remarriage and the conditions attached to who and how they can love is completely unfair. Children are told how they can love their stepmother. It is implied that they can’t get too close to her because it might hurt the ex-wife’s feelings. By that same token, it is implied that their step-grandparents aren’t really their grandparents, so they shouldn’t call them grandma or grandpa. Grandparents are also given a bunch of rules and conditions regarding how they can love their grandchildren and step-grandchildren. Almost immediately, they are watched as if they are under a microscope, waiting to see if they will favor one child over the other; a common complaint in the blended family. Grandma and grandpa bring something for their biological grandchildren, but not their step-grandchildren.

There are  so many conflicting loyalties that exist with a newly formed blended family that all the confusion gets in the way of the love. Children’s loyalties are divided between their biological parents and their step-parents. Grandparent’s loyalties are divided between the ex and the new wife and it is especially easy for them [grandparents] to allow this disdain to infiltrate into the blended family. It’s almost as if resentment sets in because now they are immediately expected to connect with children that they just don’t know, and there are so many rules regarding how they should build that connection. Divorced couples, including new spouses and old spouses, new parents and old parents, need to realize this and be more understanding of what everyone in the blended family has to contend with.

By that same token, grandparents, although it seems so unfair, there are some things that you need to be mindful of as well. Always be mindful of the fact that there are children involved and it is up to the adults, including the grandparents to lead by example. If your feelings are hurt, a bit of resentment has set it and you feel the situation is unfair, imagine how these children feel and put forth every effort to make the situation better for them. Don’t pull away out of frustration! Instead, let’s return to the days of old when grandma and grandpa were the glue that held families together. Who cares if the the wives don’t get along or the ex-spouses can’t communicate. Impart your years of wisdom and love on your family and NEVER partake in the “competition” that exists in most blended families.  Below are more tips for grandparents and step-grandparents:

1. The most important rule to remember is that there are CHILDREN involved and we should never take it out on them. Adults should know better!
2. All children were created equal! Please don’t treat them any differently. I know it’s not fair and you didn’t ask for this type of family, but neither did they.
3. Encourage your step-grandchildren to call you what your biological grandchildren do. It will make them feel more apart of the family.
4. Don’t compete with the other grandparents and remember that your grandchildren will likely want to spend time with all of their grandparents; which means that your time will be limited.
5. Don’t view the blended family as a temporary situation.  Often times grandparents, because they don’t come from a generation of divorce, views the blended family as temporary and therefore do not put much effort into bonding with their newly formed families.
6. If distance is a factor, remember it’s okay to call your grandchildren when they are with the custodial parent. Don’t feel like you can’t just because the ex-wife may not be getting along with the new wife. Their squabble has nothing to do with you!
7. Remember your role in the blended family as it shouldn’t be any different than that of a traditional family. God has granted you with years of wisdom and life experience that your children (including their new spouse), grandchildren and step-grandchildren can benefit from.
8. Don’t allow the bickering, divided loyalties and mayhem that blended family creates force you to go from being grandparents to distant acquaintances. Whether your children or grandchildren know it or not, they need you!!!

Madlyn Primoff- Bad Mommy or Not?

I’m sure some of you have heard about the Madlyn Primoff story; prominent New York attorney who put her 10 and 12 year old daughters out of the car for arguing.  There has been an uproar regarding this story for the last several days. Some moms were raging because they felt her actions were inappropriate and reckless. Others could totally identify with her urge to put her bickering daughters out the car. And the rest said they not only understood her urge, but have done it themselves and would do so again!

The Story

Madlyn Primoff, 45, a partner in a Manhattan law firm, pleaded not guilty Monday to a charge of endangering a child. A temporary order of protection was issued, barring her from contact with the children, who were physically unharmed.

Primoff’s lawyer, Vincent Briccetti, would not comment Tuesday on details of the case. But he said, “Madlyn is a great mother connected with a great family, and she is grateful for the outpouring of support from friends and family.”

There wasn’t much support from strangers, however. Mothers interviewed near the scene said they couldn’t imagine doing what Primoff did, though some understood the urge.

Iris Gorodess, 49, of Mahopac, who has four children ranging from 10 to 19 years old, said she sympathized with Primoff’s actions, right up to the point where she pulled away.

“I used to pull over and make the kids change seats. Also, I make sure the kids have their iPods and their games. And I have a minivan, so they’re not up my neck all the time.

“But I can’t see pulling away. That has to be too scary for the children.”

White Plains police said Primoff ordered the arguing girls out of the car Sunday evening as they were driving home. She left them at Post Road and South Broadway, an area of shops and offices 3 miles from their home, then drove off, the police report said.

The report does not say whether the girls had cell phones.

Police would not say if Primoff ever returned to look for the girls, but they said, without explaining how, that the 12-year-old eventually caught up with the mother. The 10-year-old was found by a “Good Samaritan” on the street, upset and emotional about losing her mother, police said.

The girl gave police her mother’s name and their address in well-to-do Scarsdale, and they asked Scarsdale police to check Primoff’s $2 million house. Shortly afterward, Primoff called Scarsdale police from home to say the 10-year-old was missing, said Scarsdale Detective Lt. Bryant Clark.

He directed her to White Plains police headquarters, where she was arrested.

Dr. Richard Gersh, director of psychiatric services at the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in Manhattan, said Primoff’s behavior was not appropriate.

“It is a traumatic situation for a child to be abandoned by a parent like that. You can imagine what emotional issues might arise,” he said.

My Perspective

I actually understand and sympathize with Mrs. Primoff. Although I have never had to do this with my son or stepson (they rarely argued), I do have a niece and nephew who I have wanted to put out of the car on several occasions. The only reason that I didn’t is because they are just five and eight years old.  I definitely don’t think that she should be branded a bad mommy like the media is trying to do. I might call her an overwhelmed, frustrated, tired or fed up mommy, but not a bad mommy.  Additionally, I disagree with her being slapped with a charge of neglect AND having a protective order prohibiting contact with her children. If anything this situation is being handled recklessly by the authorities.  Primoff is an overwhelmed mother AND attorney who needs a break, not a lawsuit!

It is so funny how the media will twist information to find a story. They claim that she just drove off, like she never intended to come back however; she and her mother drove around the block and never intended to abandon her children. Clearly, she just wanted to teach them a lesson and send a message that mommy isn’t playing. Unfortunately, many times mothers bear most of the responsibility of tending to the children, whether they work or not, and sometimes they have to resort to drastic measures to get their children to simply listen.

The reason this is so relevant to BFSO is because imagine how overwhelmed moms like Madlyn would feel if they had to contend with the every day stress of raising kids and working, along with dealing with stepchildren, ex-spouses, court dates, and the overall joys and pitfalls of living in a blended family!!

Can any of you second moms or ex-wives attest to feeling completely overwhelmed and frustrated that you just can’t take the bickering or talking back and have to wanted to put the kids (stepchildren included) out of the car??

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