Struck by Living Top Ten for Raising Teens – Julie K. Hersh

Recently I saw “Race to Nowhere” a great documentary about the stress kids face in school. I liked the film, although I wanted a “take away” from the film that provided a list of things I might do to reduce stress with my teens. I came up with this list – as always this is not a comprehensive list. I’d love to see ideas from readers about things they do to keep their teens mentally healthy.

 Increase Communication: Try to have dinner together at least three evenings a week. Engage conversation by telling teens about your day and asking them to talk about theirs. Talk about things that are important to them (friends, sports, music, art) not just the academic grill (how did you do on that test? Have you done your homework? How could you get such a bad grade??)

Advise your own children, but live your own life: Teens often do not have the experience, maturity or prefrontal cortex development to understand when they are overloading themselves. Advise them to them look at their time, abilities and help them plan realistically (e.g., 4 AP classes might not be a good idea at the same time s/he is starring in a show).

 On the other hand, try not to live vicariously through your children. It’s great to experience (again), the joy of life with children, but when a child becomes the tool to do the things parent never did (e.g, star of a sports team, be “popular” or star of the school play); the parent feeds his or her own ego and is not nurturing the child. Had an interesting example of this with my son. When he was nine years old, I got calls from a long list of select soccer coaches. They cajoled me (he’s so good!), threatened me (if he doesn’t play select he will never fulfill his potential) and played to my ego (he has enough talent to be a college player – he obviously has your athletic build). My son said – “Mom – I want to play with my friends. Plus I want to play other sports.” I let him do what he wanted. My gut feel was the friendships he would develop through a less competitive team were more important than building creating the next soccer star. This was a tough choice because I had already invested hundreds of hours in his soccer (coached his early teams, hired special coaches, drove him everywhere). I had to step back, and think long term for my child. Coaches want to fill a team for a year or three years tops. You are trying to build a child into adulthood. Keep that goal in mind.

Praise is good, Over praise leads to unrealistic expectations and a hollow win: Kids need to be able to achieve and have their work mean something. When we give a trophy for participating and not winning – we are creating future monsters of expectation and entitlement. A person has to work to win. It is okay to lose, as long a strong effort took place. But kids need to experience losing early and frequently. Failure teaches resilience.

Model life learning: When was the last time your child saw you read a book, newspaper, go to a scientific event or arts event? How can we expect our children to be curious if we aren’t? Do you love your job? Do you talk about the positive things at work at home?

Model good self care: Do you take care of yourself? Get enough sleep? Eat healthfully? Do things you love? Engage healthy discussions with your spouse or significant other in front of your kids? OR Are you the doormat for your family’s and community’s needs? Kids learn more from actions than from words. If you show them how to protect yourself, there’s a better chance they will model that behavior.

Say “NO” or limit school activities that destroy family vacations: I’m still working on this one! My 16 year-old child cut out a week of Christmas vacation because of Varsity soccer. He did not see his 85 year-old grandmother or cousins who he only sees once a year. Was this worth it? No. Will he get a soccer scholarship or be a professional soccer player? Probably not. If family is important – we need to put family first.

Provide a venue for connection with nature and exploration. When I was a kid in suburban VA, I’d explore in the woods, by myself, with friends and fighting the bullies in the neighborhood (I was an adept dirt clod fighter). I formed much of who I am in those explorations. One of my biggest regrets about living Dallas is the lack of exploratory time my kids have. I drive them everywhere, and their time is scheduled. So our family has made an effort to go places on vacation where our kids can have more freedom. Go to a small town where kids can walk or ride a bike to a store by themselves. Go to a national forest and let them do a hike by themselves (with instruction, of course). Give them opportunities to take risks, get lost and recover.

Encourage interaction with positive family members or friends outside your child’s age group. As a parent, sometimes our relationship with teens is hostile. Sometimes a grandparent, an aunt or uncle or a reliable family friend or “cool” but good older teen is better at providing comfort or perspective. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When children are only exposed to kids in their age group, they get stuck in the landmines of that age group. Someone who has survived the age your child faces might provide better insight on how to handle the situation.

Get out of the house and turn off electronics. Get your kids to go outside – create a pick up basketball or baseball game. Encourage them to get some exercise and face to face interaction with other kids, without direct adult supervision. Brain development is enhanced by exercise and games that require coordination. Exercise also relieves stress.

Let your kids have space, but hold them accountable.  We tell our kids they have plenty of freedom until they screw up, but if they do, the screws tighten. Kids need some freedom figure out who they are. Set boundaries clearly and punishments that fit the crime swiftly. A child in a cage can’t be a creative thinker. A child without consequences learns to be corrupt at an early age. Freedom and accountability is a tough balance, but perhaps the most important one we can strive for as parents.

Recommended Reading:

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain: John Ratey

Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age:  Maggie Jackson

Mindset: Carol Dweck

Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Wendy Mogel

Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope: Julie K Hersh (not about teens)

For more information on Julie K Hersh and Struck by Living, please check out our website: www.struckbyliving.com

Revision 3 – 2/1/11

Recently awarded the Mental Health America Ruth Altschuler Community Advocate Prism Award and selected as one of the 2010 Distinguished Women by Northwood University, Julie Hersh is an outspoken advocate for mental health. “Despite medical advances,” Julie says, “too many people die by suicide because they are afraid to seek help.” Julie’s goal is to provide a living example that mental illness is a manageable disease. Her Struck by Living blog is featured on the Psychology Today website. Julie is also a guest blogger on the Menninger Clinic “Say No to Stigma” website.

Amy Chua Uproar

The uproar about Amy Chua’s bestselling book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, has been deafening. Many mommy tyrants have been criticizing beyond belief and even administered some death threats to Chua for what they believed to be Amy’s parenting tactics. The problem is many of her critics have yet to actually read her book, and instead, are only basing their opinions off of a Wall Street Journal essay that Chua says gravely misrepresented her.

According to Chua, WSJ contrived an essay that pieced together the most controversial sections of the book, slapped a title (that wasn’t approved by Chua) on it called “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” and claimed it was written by the Yale Law School professor. In the essay, critics went wild over what they believed her parenting tactics were, which included things like denying her children bathroom and water breaks for hours while they struggled to perform a classical music piece to Chua’s satisfaction.

Chua, however, says that her book isn’t a polemical tirade at all, but a reflection of her experiences as a tiger kid and how she has learned to alter her traditional chinese view of parenting over time. Her oldest daughter, Sophia Chua (18) supports her claim and wrote her own essay in response to WSJ, to tell the truth about her mother. Below are excerpts from that essay:

Excerpts:

–”Dear Tiger Mom, You’ve been criticized a lot since you published your memoir, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” One problem is that some people don’t get your humor. They think you’re serious about all this, and they assume Lulu and I are oppressed by our evil mother. That is so not true. Every other Thursday, you take off our chains and let us play math games in the basement. But for real, it’s not their fault. No outsider can know what our family is really like.”

–”A lot of people have accused you of producing robot kids who can’t think for themselves. Well, that’s funny, because I think those people are . . . oh well, it doesn’t matter. At any rate, I was thinking about this, and I came to the opposite conclusion: I think your strict parenting forced me to be more independent.”

–”To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential.”

All of this talk about Tiger Parenting had me questioning whether or not I’d be considered a Tiger Mother. Although I don’t and would never be as harsh as to deny my kids food and water or other necessities in order to “push” them beyond their potential, BUT I am a more strict parent compared to friends and other parents that I’ve witnessed. Since my oldest was very young, I’ve always expected- not demanded (to me, there’s a difference) excellence.  Additionally, I don’t accept excuses of any kind. I’ve never allowed him to use the “my parents aren’t together” excuse or the fact that he had severe seizures as a kid that completely altered his fine and gross motor skills. I give him room to express himself and even to complain, but I don’t allow him to get stuck there, and always encourage himself to push beyond his potential. At the same time, I know that for a young impressionable mind, words have so much power and so, along with pushing I also give an enormous amount of praise. Every single day (literally), I tell him that he’s one of the best people I know. I tell him how special and smart he is. I tell him that he’s capable of greatness and most importantly, I tell him how much I love him. I do this so much that he says, “Mom, are you going to tell me this everyday for the rest of my life?” I respond by saying, “Yes?”

I won’t be sure if my methods work according to societal standards until he gets a little older. He’s only 13, but what I do know is that he’s been a mostly A (he’s gotten a B+ on his report card a few times) since he started school and he doesn’t accept anything less than his personal best. He never blames anyone else for what he perceives to be his weaknesses and instead works harder to improve upon them. He’s a high achiever because he wants to do well and continue to make not only me proud, but himself as well. I don’t tell him that he’s one of the best people I know because I’m his mom. I tell him that because he is.

I think Sophia said it best and it’s what I constantly instill in my oldest and will instill in my youngest (he’s only 9 months), “To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential.” If that’s tiger parenting then I guess I fit the description.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother!

Author Amy Chua

As the tag line to Slate.com’s website says…..”Amy Chua’s new book will make her readers gasp—with horror and with envy.”  However, I ask the question ..”Do eastern  parenting styles make Western parenting styles look foolish?”  It’s all over the internet and the radio talk shows today.  Amy Chua is making waves with her ground-breaking new book titled “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.”  Her story behind book is even more interesting.  Amy is a professor at Yale University’s law school, and believes in the Chinese custom of “eating bitterness” instead of the mediocre, Western  hyper-parenting. 

I wanted to post about Amy and her new book today because although I don’t agree with all of what she has to say, I do agree with a lot of it.  For example, in our Western society, we are so caught up with making sure our children “like us” or consider us their “friend,” that we forget to parent them.  For example, Western society tends to tip-toe around the issues surrounding our children in these days and times.   Take the issue of weight.  If our child is overweight, we tip-toe around him or her as to not hurt their self-esteem.  Easterners do the exact opposite.  They flatly tell them they are fat and need to lose weight.  Take the issue of grades.  If our child brings home a B, we give our children accolades.  In Eastern society, an A- is unacceptable.   Their belief in demanding excellence from the beginning does seem right to me but at the same time their approach seems to be a bit much.

As stated in the Slate.com article, Chua presents her “chinese mother” approach rooted in a heritage she says will be alien to “westerners” but familiar to  to Asian-Americans strictly reared to excel, as she was by her immigrant parents.   Their philosophy is simple:  Embark on the talent-building process very early, assume the child is exceedingly sturdy, expect great feats of mastery, don’t indulge youthful autonomy, demand family loyalty above peer popularity and activities.  Its an immigrant striver’s credo.

As stated above, Amy Chua’s new book will make every single reader cringe; it is being talked about on radio talk show stations to blogs across the world.  I look forward to reading this book.  What do you think TMF Readers?  I would love to hear your thoughts. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Teens, Tweens: Teaching Them to Navigate the Real World

I have to admit that I got the title of this post from reading my favorite magazine, Family Circle, wherein Rosalind Wiseman has the “Ask Rosalind” section.  Rosalind is not just an educator but also an author who works with kids, parents and schools on the very real issues of peer pressure, bullying prevention and media literacy.  Needless to say, she is my absolute favorite so I am going to piggy back on the information provided in the January 2011 issue because it has been on my mind for a while to post about same.

It seems in our fast-paced society of social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr… our children are growing up so fast.  In fact, some teens and even tweens are having sex earlier than in times past, smoking, drinking and leading lives that can end up being destructive.  Navigating the real world in this day and age is a daunting task and one that we, as parents, really need to focus more on in order to help them get there without going down the destructive path that some have decided is the only way to go.  In Rosalind’s article, she references two parents who learned that their 15 year old had sex with her boyfriend.  The parents grounded their daughter and forbid her to see him again.  I loved Rosalind’s advice.  She advised them to re-read Romeo and Juliet because that was the dynamic that they had just created.  She told them to face the fact  their response did not address the goals, which are to help their daughter develop into a sexually responsible adult and to have her boyfriend respect their values.  Rosalind is right.  With this situation, it is important that we have an open discussion with our child and try to step back and try to see their position.  By doing this, we only build a more trusting relationship with them.  We don’t have to condone the behavior but we need to realize that our reactions to these type of situations will control the way the whole conversation with our children will go and the lesson they take from it in general.  We have to remember that we cannot fall into the “out of touch” parent category because of how we were raised or because of how “things were” when we were younger.  Our children are living in a totally different world than we once lived in.  Now, obviously, I am aware that “taboo” teen sex has been going on, but in today’s world, we have to remember that it is almost expected even if we obviously don’t agree with it. 

I feel one of the most important things we can teach our tweens and teens is that we can trust them to have some independence but as Rosalind says, “freedom has its limits.”  Our tweens and teens need to know that they can rely on us and our responsibility to them is to teach them how.   We have to have open conversations with them about the dangers of STD’s and the dangers of too much social networking. We have to get them away from the television and out of the house to explore nature and we have to let them know how absolutely precious they are to us.

Listen parents, even though we are gauged to keep and try to protect our children from all harm, danger and even bad life decisions, they have to and will make these decisions sometimes whether we like them to or not.  Life happens when we aren’t around and that is something we have to accept.  However, by being loving, open and even by giving our children a little space to make the right choices, we give them so much more than just advice. We teach them how to make adjustments along the way.  Those adjustments  or as I like to call them “survival skills” will be what carries them through life.

To learn more about Rosalind’s work and programs, go to www.rosalindwiseman.com.  You won’t be disappointed!

Happy New Year,
Diane

Bust Up the Junk and Declutter Your Life In 2011

Modern family members whether you are a single, same sex, step or bio parent and everyone in between, 2011 is your year to bust up the clutter in your life.  Clutter makes its way into our lives in forms ranging from petty issues with the ex, the stress of being a single parent, too much work and not enough play, ignoring your own self-comfort and mental well-being and just plain drama! 

2011 is your year Readers to bust and declutter.  In order to truly be happy, we need to have peace.  In order to have peace, we have to commit to removing what stresses us out and causes us to clutter our lives not just with “things” but also with the junk drama, the junk friendships, the junk relationships, the junk period. 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

We’ve all heard the phrase Lather, Rinse, Repeat!  This is going to be my mantra for the new year.  When I feel myself being stressed out I am going to use that phrase to help get me back on track.  When it comes to people in my life, whether that be at work or in my personal life, if it stresses me out, I am going to Lather, Rinse and Repeat by washing that stress right out of my life.  How you might ask?  Here are a few tips:

1. Take time for yourself!  This years No. 1 priority.  YOU!  Take a day off work and allocate that day all to yourself.  Go buy some good fruit, healthy snacks, a few not so healthy snacks if you like, and veg out!  One of my favorite things to do is to rent a hotel room for a night all to myself.  I don’t skimp either.  I get a nice room, with hot tub, a pool and I live it up.
2. Let go of unhealthy relationships!  If you are in a relationship that constantly stresses you out or one that you realize you are the only person putting anything into the relationship then my advice is to get rid of it!
3. Incorporate something entirely new.  I recently discovered Yoga.  I always have heard rave reviews about yoga from friends and co-workers, so I tried a session.  It is not just a great way to exercise, but also to release your mind of unnecessary junk.
4. Keep a journal.  I have always loved to express my thoughts on paper.  I was given a beautiful journal for Christmas and I plan on putting it to good use in 2011.  Journals give you a way to express your inner most thoughts, cares, joys and sorrows while at the same time giving you an outlet for healing.
5. Do unto others.  Doing something nice makes us stronger human beings.  When you do unto others, you do unto yourself as well.  You give yourself the gift of personal power to bless others.  The end result…blessings return to you.
6. Channel your inner rebel.  When your willpower is wearing you down, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  Shop until you drop for the day, invite your good girl or boyfriends out and hit a good restaurant or maybe even the jazz club for the evening.  Have some good fun!

What we are really doing by de-junking, busting and decluttering our lives is making room for the real blessings we deserve.  There is a great quote from the poet Rumi which says “Let the beauty we love be what we do.“  This is a simple principal and a reminder that we do not have to hold on to extra drama and stress in our lives.  Let the beauty we love be what we do.  It’s just that simple.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Posts of 2010

We’ve had a blast in 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011. Join us as we look back at our top 10 posts of the year.

1. Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce
2. Kiss My Azz…All Married Couples Fight
3. Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”
4. Living Well is the Best Revenge
5. Today’s Modern Family’s Top Ten Mom Must Haves
6. Step Martyrs Are Not Loveable
7. Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting
8. Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment
9. Protecting the Stepmother’s Mental Health
10. Super Stepmom Syndrome

Happy New Year Readers! We wish you and your families joy, peace and success in 2011.

Grace and Peace,

Kela and Diane

Noncustodial Mom and Founder of CFAA Speaks Out

The next guest in our interview series with dynamic women is a non-custodial mom, competitive fitness athlete, survivor of domestic violence AND my cousin (I’m so proud that I get to say that), Nichole Cruz. Before I share her insight on fitness, motherhood, divorce and moving on, let me share what I have learned from her. No matter what she has struggled with she is not bitter; she’s better because of it. She has learned to channel any negative feelings she has as a result of her circumstances through fitness, accept her reality and try to make the best of it. Check out our interview below and enjoy!

Kela: You are a divorced mom of 3; is it difficult to balance dating, work and motherhood?

 Nichole:  When the children were younger, being a divorced mother and juggling day to day tasks was quite challenging and exhausting.  After my divorce I maintained working hours that were conducive to motherhood 8 to 5pm and even starting my own business to create my own hours.  I also incorporated my children into my workout routine; taking them to a local track and bringing along soccer balls and bikes so they can exercise while I ran.  In terms of dating, it was always important for me to keep my social life separate from my role as a mother.  I dated when the children were spending their time with their father.  It’s never easy dividing your time, however putting each role into their respective levels of importance is key. 

 Kela: Divorce is difficult for most, as we all know. How has fitness empowered you, not only physically but emotionally and mentally?

 Nichole:  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I began my transformation a tad bit backwards, from the outside in.  After my third child, I returned to the gym with a friend of mine and began to gain physical strength and transforming my body.  As the physical changes emerged, the emotional and mental changes followed.  I began to rediscover my outer and inner strength which in turn, empowered me to leave the marriage, as a stay-at-home Mom, with no money – only my children and a minivan to my name.  One’s sense of self and self-confidence comes from FEELING good on the inside.  I began mine from the outside: I felt confident looking in the mirror which transformed my inner being.  The Phoenix tattoo on my back was a symbol of rebirth – of going through hell and emerging stronger and more powerful than before.

 Kela: How difficult is it being a non-custodial mom? What are some things that you did to cope once the custody decision was made? How did you help your children cope?

 Nichole: Traditionally, women were awarded custodial custody of the children post divorce, which was initially what happened in my case.  As the children grew, my ex-husband and I amended the original parenting agreement several times and most recently via a custody battle, my children’s father was awarded custodial parenting time.  Although it was not by choice, I had to determine how I was going to maintain my relationship with my children as they were accustomed to.  Because they are teenagers, it is a little easier to cope with the decision although it is still unsettling.  They all have cell phones, so I will either text or call them daily.  I ensure that I am involved with their education by keeping in contact with their teachers, keeping up with their grades and attending their sporting and school functions.  I try to stay involved in every aspect of their lives so that where they sleep doesn’t limit their contact with me or mine with them.   I also make sure that my parenting time with them is quality time, reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company, yet getting down to business and still being “Mom.”

 Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced moms? Non-Custodial moms?

 Nichole: My advice to other divorced Mom’s would be to make sure you stand up for what you want in terms of your children.  Your voice is extremely important and deserves to be heard.  As a non-custodial Mom, you may have to fight harder in order for your wants for your children to be heard and valued.  Don’t allow anyone to make you feel lesser than a mother because the legal system dictated the percentage of time you are allowed with your children.  Make sure the children know that you love them and are always accessible to them regardless of where they reside.

 Kela: Okay, let’s talk fitness. Give me 4 easy, but beneficial exercises a mom can do from the comfort of her own home?

 Nichole: This is my passion!  There are so many things you can do at home to stay in shape!  Body weight exercises are perfect to tone your muscles without going to a gym.  The following is a sample circuit which incorporates cardio and weight bearing exercises to get that metabolism stoked!

 60 seconds jumping jacks/running in place

60 seconds squats – thighs parallel to the ground

60 seconds push ups – if it gets tough, drop to your knees but KEEP MOVING

60 seconds crunches/sit ups (10 crunches, 10 situps – rotate for 60 seconds)

60 second rest

Repeat circuit 5 times – you will have completed 25 minutes of a muscle toning, total body workout! 

 Kela: How important is physical fitness for those who lead stressful lives?

Nichole: Physical fitness is not only important for the average individual, but more so for those who have stressful lives.  Exercise can cause release of chemicals called endorphins into your blood stream. These give you a feeling of happiness and positively affect your overall sense of well-being. Physically, exercise improves your cardiovascular functions by strengthening and enlarging the heart, causing greater elasticity of the blood vessels, increasing oxygen throughout your body, and lowering your blood levels of fats such as cholesterol and triglycerides. All of this, of course, means less chance of developing heart conditions, strokes, or high blood pressure. Mentally, exercise provides an outlet for negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and irritability, thereby promoting a more positive mood and outlook. Exercise improves mood by producing positive biochemical changes in the body and brain. Regular exercise reduces the amount of adrenal hormones your body releases in response to stress.  Beyond the stress, it’s important to model a healthy lifestyle for your children.  Our children are becoming more sedentary as our society increases technology.  Being fit increases the likelihood that your children an even your grandchildren adopt a healthy lifestyle and opt for healthy choices. 

 I am a 38 year young mother of three, a Personal Trainer as well as a Competitive Fitness Athlete.  I have been competing in Figure Competitions for approximately 4 years and most recently placed 5^th in a local competition.  I have developed an association: CFAA -Competitive Fitness Athletes Association, to promote, develop and cultivate the competitive fitness athlete of color.  To learn more about the sport and about CFAA please email me:  cfathletes@gmail.com.  The website is soon to follow.

Dealing With Stress of a New Baby

Babies are super cute, soft, cuddly and they just melt your heart with the soft blink of their eyes or that unintentional smile. However, there is a dark side that no one tells you about bringing home your little darling and that is they come with an enormous amount of stress. Sleepless nights, unpredictable schedules, poopy diapers and constant attention can often times wreak havoc on a couple; as if our modern families aren’t complicated enough. Because everything is about the baby and initally, most of the responsibility of caring for the baby falls on one of you, when the excitement of the baby wears off, some couples find themselves estranged.

A month or so ago I remember one of the ladies on Momversation brought up this very topic. Heather Armstrong from Dooce chimed in by saying that when she and her husband first had children, it took them a while to develop that “tag team” dynamic. I thought that was a cute and appropriate way of putting it because you really do have to have some superb teamwork in order to handle a baby AND maintain your sanity and marriage.  Below are some things that my husband and I have learned as we work together to raise our little cutie, make time for the older boys, ourselves AND  each other.

1. Realize that you are experiencing a normal situation and it doesn’t mean that you can’t get back that lovin’ feeling.
2. If you’re missing your spouse, let him or her know that. I know that not eating or sleeping right can make you cranky and irritable all the time, so sometimes it just may good for your spouse to hear, “I miss you.”
3. If either of you are feeling overwhelmed, talk about it and work together to divide household chores and parenting duties.
4. Make sure both of you have time away from the baby for at least one hour per day (this is for my stay at home parents). You need that time to rejuvenate so that your body doesn’t completely shut down. Don’t cook or clean during this time (that is not a break)! Put your feet up, watch your favorite show, go visit a good friend or take a hot bubble bath by candle light.
5. After you put the baby to sleep, carve out 30 minutes of “grown up” time. Talk to each other, cuddle, have some dessert together or you may even have time for a “quickie.”
6. Realize that this too shall pass. This is just a phase in your lives. Remember, babies grow up, eventually sleep through the night and become less and less dependent on you. Try to keep this in mind and instead of being consumed by the stress, enjoy this sweet little baby while he or she is young.

Parenting by Example

I love Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar! I learn so much from them just by watching their hit reality show, 19 Kids and Counting. As I watch how they manage to keep their huge family in line, I am astonished at how they do so with so much grace, peace, patience and understanding. I’m sure having a family that big comes with many different personalities and increased chances for conflict and frustration, but I am amazed at how Jim Bob and Michelle keep together. They are truly living examples for their children and to be honest, for me as well. 

 For a second, imagine if you will, trying to get 18 kids (their oldest is married and out of the house) ready to leave to go to the dentist, on vacation, to church or anywhere for that matter. I know that I personally get frustrated trying to get my 8 month old ready so that I can take my 13 year old to school every morning. I have to make sure he’s fed and changed, make sure my 13 year old has had a good breakfast, remind him to get everything he needs so that I don’t have to make a trip back to the school, pack up the diaper bag, put the dog in his room…All while the baby is fussing, my oldest is asking me to sign some permission slip, the dog is chewing on a foreign object…whew! It definitely gets overwhelming with just two children at times. Can you imagine 18? But as I watched the Duggars getting ready to leave for an outing I noticed that similar events occur with them as well. With 18 kids at home, multiple kids were fussing; others were running around playing when they were supposed to be getting ready; some weren’t morning people and just didn’t want to get up and a few were straggling behind when everyone else was in the car and ready to go. However, what amazed me was Mr and Mrs. Duggar’s reaction to it all.  Although they gently but firmly encouraged their children to hurry up, no one yelled, got upset or openly frustrated. They both just kept their cool and when asked by a camera man if they ever got frustrated, Jim Bob replied, “Of course we do. But when we had kids we decided that we would lead by example and react to stressful situations the way we want them to react.” He went on to say that he’d rather just enjoy his family than get upset over things like being late or the kids’ toys being in the middle of the floor.

That statement and watching the Duggar family in action has really stuck with me. As I navigate through my sometimes complicated modern family life, that one statement constantly reminds me of what’s really important. I know that I am not perfect and don’t always react to stressful situations the way I know I should and ideally would want to, however; I do want to be a living example for my boys. I want to teach them that no one can steal your joy unless you allow them to and calmly reacting to a stressful situation is more about them than it is about the other person. Learning to let certain things roll off your back not only keeps YOUR stress levels down, but it provides an example for the other party; be it your children, husband, an ex-spouse, co-worker, friend or stranger.

As I said earlier, I am a work in progress but I am thankful for the opportunities to learn these life lessons and apply them to my own life, while on my journey. Being in a stepfamily provides many opportunities to practice as I work to get it right. Until then, I’m grateful to learn by watching families like the Duggars.

Personal Thanks to Our Readers!

Hi Readers!

I hope you all had  a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving with my husband, children, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, nephews, mom and a host of cousins was absolutely wonderful. It was also my baby boy’s first Thanksgiving and I was happy that he could be surrounded by family. Incidentally, I want to share with you a little something that my firstborn said while riding in the car to see the downtown Christmas lights today. Often times, he just fires out these statements without any proding or prompting; just thoughts in his very mature, analytical head that come out just because.

  “You know what mom and dad (he calls my husband dad), I have A LOT of family! I have you two and your sides of the family, my other dad and other mom and their sides of the family and brothers and a sister and I love it,” he said.

To which we replied by telling him how absolutely fortunate he is to feel loved by and to give love to, so many people. It warmed my heart to know that this is what he thinks about, from time to time and shares for no reason at all. This is what he feels because of what we [his parents] are conveying to him, and I think to myself – gosh, we must be do something right. I’m not saying we’re perfect because we all have had our share of disagreements and strife, but we’ve done our best to work them out AND we’ve shielded him from any conflict that could have been damaging long-term. Instead, he sees a family that loves him and works together; and yes, a family that experiences conflict, from time to time. However, he also witnesses us (parents and co-parents) putting our heads together to work it out and for this, I am thankful for.

I am also thankful for all of you! Thanks to all of my readers and supporters of Today’s Modern Family. Thank you for sharing your stories and allowing me to share mine. Thanks for venting your frustrations and allowing me to do the same. Thanks for listening and thanks for making others feel as if they are not alone on their respective journeys. More importantly, thanks for opening my mind to new perspectives. I enjoy learning from and I appreciate each and every one of you!

~Kela

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