How to Encourage Positive Projections in Your Marriage

Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who constantly refers to his/her marriage in a negative manner?  I have such a co-worker.  Every day there is a new complaint:  he’s gained too much weight; he doesn’t satisfy her anymore; he never finishes a home project; he snores too loudly; he doesn’t support her visions….the list goes on and on.  Well, this behavior got me to thinking about the difference between reflecting  positive projections in our marriages versus the negative and how destructive reflecting such negative projections can be to our relationships and our view of  our spouses.

There are many ways that we can incorporate positivity into our daily lives so that we do less negative projecting in our marriages and allow our positive thoughts, attitudes and perceptions to make our bonds stronger.

For example:

• When you both have legitimate concerns, realize that your spouse’s concern deserves to be addressed, not just your own.
• Reframe the behaviors that bother you the most about your spouse.  For example, if you feel your spouse is having difficulty satisfying your needs, talk to him/her about your feelings and offer to teach them about what you desire.  Taking the extra step to come out of your comfort zone to make an effort to reframe your behavior will work wonders and filter over to your spouse.  Instead of criticizing your spouse about his/her sexual issues with your co-workers, be honest with your partner.  Honesty is always the best policy.  Be proactive about helping him/her to change this factor.  By doing this, you have proactively taken the negative out of the situation and made it a positive.
• Make an effort to understand each others’ intent regarding your respective behaviors.  9 times out of 10, your separate understandings will be totally different.  Give one another the benefit of the doubt.  Listen to each others’ explanations without interrupting.   You might find that your spouse’s concern may be something important that you need to deal with together.
• Refrain from speaking negatively about your spouse in the presence of others.  The old saying goes..”be careful what you ask for…you might just get it.”  Well, if you do not make a habit of claiming negativity in your marriage, you will be more prone to claiming and receiving positivity in your marriage.

By utilizing some of the above tips, you will be able to be more objective when dealing with negative issues and able to bring in more positivity into your relationship.

Remember, when we married our spouses, we didn’t just commit to them in happy times, but also in stressful times.  Accepting each others’ neuroses is a part of a having a happy, healthy, positive  marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Express Your Love Through Music

I love music! It is clearly one of the most powerful tools for expression. There’s just something about a great song that has the ability to touch my soul. It touches it in a way that makes me truly feel and relate to what the artist is trying to express. Some of my favorite artists are Rascal Flats, Bonnie Rait, Alicia Keys, Sam Cooke, Amel Larrieux, Michael Jackson and countless others.

Rascal Flats song, What Hurts the Most, reminds me that I never want to be in a position of regret with my husband. I never want to allow the drama to infiltrate our marriage in such a way that I neglect to say the things that I’ve wanted to say and that I know he needs to hear. Below is the course.

What hurts the most is being so close; having so much to say, but watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.

And Michael Jackson’s, Lady in my Life, is a song that reminds me of how I want to continue loving my husband.

Baby through the years even when we’re old and gray I will love you more each day cause you will always be the lady (man) in my life.

Whether that emotion is pain, happiness, love or lust, music is a great form of communication. It allows couples to express themselves when they are at a loss for words and need to apologize for something. It also another great exercise for couples to use as yet another way to remind the other of their love for him or her. You can play the song that you first kissed to, the song that you first danced to at your wedding, or the song that just reminds you of how you feel for your spouse. All are great ways to remind your spouse just how much he or she means to you, are bound to bring back some sweet memories and even help create some new ones.

Additionally, music has the ability to allow couples who have lost the connection to reconnect or to strengthen an existing connection. As a matter of fact, a homework assignment that I give to my clients who are either stuck in the drama and need to be reminded to focus on them, or who just need to express the inexpressible, is a music exercise. They are instructed to choose a song that explains how they feel about their mate. Then they play the song for him or her and explain why they chose it. Couples often times get very emotional during this exercise because music evokes emotion in such a way that the person you’re expressing yourself to truly understands. If both parties are committed to the exercise, it is an excellent way to build couple strength.

So play your favorite love song for your hubby or wife. Get him or her in the mood with the Isley Brother’s song, In Between the Sheets, or let him or her know that You’ll Love Him Like You’ll Never See Him Again, by Alicia Keys. No matter what the reason or just for no reason at all, go and express yourself.

Negative Influences on Your Marriage

Ask yourself this question…”Do you allow outside friends, family members or even ex-partners/spouses influence your marriage or relationship?  At times during any relationship, we all have weak moments where we allow drama to dictate the trials in our lives. Unfortunately, during those same times, outside influences will always try to wedge themselves between our relationships with, at times, shady advice and cloudy guidance.

In some relationships, one of the biggest problems with outside influences can be a person’s own family.  Usually our parents and family feel that because they believe they always have our best interests at heart, they get the right to have an all access pass into our lives.  Often times, they push themselves too far into our personal relationships with our mates and with our children, even to the extent of trying to raise our children.  They want a say in every situation and every decision.  I have even heard of family members who have actually advised their loved one that it’s time to end their relationship or marriage.

With all that being said, however, one might ask where does the real fault lie in this situation?  My answer is simple.  If you allow these outside influences to be the deal breaker in your relationship then you, as an individual, are completely at fault.  If you personally allow an outside influence to become the demise of your relationship and you know for example that this particular person has their own personal issues and storms going on in their lives and further, you even know that they don’t really know what’s best for your family, then you have to personally take ownership for the stress this causes in your relationship.

One tip I like to give is to pay attention to the advice you get and who you get it from.  Always ask yourself…”Is the person from whom I am seeking advice telling me the truth, or simply what I want to hear?”  Also, just because a couple or person has been married for 25 years or in a steady relationship for a long period of time, doesn’t mean they are truly happy.  For example, do not allow your parents’ relationship to be an indicator as to how you should handle your marriage, children or relationship.  If someone really is committed to helping you, they wont enable you just because they love you.  They will let you handle your own personal problems and relationship.

Here are some tips to keep outside influences out of your relationships:

• Instead of communicating about your problems with others, rely on each other and communicate together.
• Only take advice from couples or people you personally know have a strong, successful relationship.  Or, in the alternative, seek a private counselor or pastor.
• Compromise until you find a solution.  Try to find a happy medium when conflicts arise.  It can’t always be your way or the highway.
• Surround yourselves with positive influences.
• Distance yourself from negative influences which cause conflict in your partnership.
• Understand your union.  There will always be challenging times in any relationship.  Communicating concerns, respecting and honoring your differences will allow you and your partner or spouse to understand one another, completely.

The most important people in your relationship are you and your partner.  Eliminating negative outside influences will not only rid you of unnecessary stress, it will strengthen the bond within your relationship by leaps and bounds.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Steve Harvey’s New Relationship Book

First published on Phyllis Du’Gas’s Blog. Steve Harvey, actor/comedian and divorced dad who has been married 3 times is giving relationship advice in his tell all book; Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Read the review below.

Is he serious? I’m just saying….isn’t Steve Harvey on marriage number three? 

I use to be an avid listener of the Steve Harvey Morning Show before the plug was pulled from my area.  The show has since moved to New York.  I love Nephew Tommy, I think he’s hillarious.   I never much agreed with some of the advice Steve gave his female callers because he at times can be very rude.  I do however recall Shirley Strawberry mentioning on air that perhaps he should write a book.  You see, whenever a woman writes one of those Strawberry Letters about problems she’s having with a man, Steve calls himself  the “Code Cracker” as if he’s in a position to offer the only sane advice to women struggling in relationships. 

While researching information on this feud with comedian Katt Williams, I ran across an article about his new book,  “Act like a Lady - Think like a Man.”  What men really think about love, relationships and intimacy.  Barnes and Nobles is taking pre-sale orders as the book will be released on January 27th.  I won’t lie, I laughed. You’ve got to be kidding!   

Is it just me?  If I’m in a failing relationship I don’t think I’d want advice from someone who’s on marriage number 3.  Isn’t this the same man that cheated on his second wife with his third wife, and screwed his second wife in an ugly divorce settlement?   I don’t claim to know Steve Harvey’s personal business.   I do know that Mary Harvey (wife number 2) was married to Steve for 10 years and they were together for 17 years.   I believe Mary Harvey was the backbone wife who helped him become the success he is today.  (Spoken from his own mouth on numerous occasions during his marriage)  The Steve Harvey Foundation was after all originally called, The Steve and Mary Harvey Foundation.  I noticed after the divorce that her name was dropped. 

Come on Steve, a relationship book?

I’m sure the book will do well just on his celebrity, but this is one woman who won’t be rushing to Barnes & Noble to buy it. 

I’ve read the complaint/lawsuit  filed by Mary Harvey.  Steve Harvey can’t tell me squat about relationships.  LOL!