His No Drama Mama by Chick Hughes

The following was written by guest blogger, Chick Hughes

Too much emotion.  Too soon devotion.  Too many tears.  Unfounded fears.  When verbalized, all synonymous with drama in the eyes of the all-American male.  Men love many things…a hot curvaceous girl invitingly shooting him come-hither eyes, a winning touchdown seconds before a game’s end, freaky uninhibited sex in…well, anywhere…location doesn’t really concern them,  a thick juicy steak big enough to consume the plate it’s served on…just to name a few.  Any combination of which will render him putty in her hands.  But one sure fire way to callously jerk him from his state of euphoric bliss is to throw a little DRAMA his way!  Men infamously hate drama…and, of course, women cannot seem to exist without it.  I once read a one-liner from a man that summed up how he claimed men feel about drama.  In reference to a particular girlfriend of his, he wrote “The juice wasn’t worth the squeezing.”   Wow, that says a lot, does it not?  Too much juice on her end and not enough thirst on his.  Men and women have so much to learn about one another…but in order to learn and enjoy the “juice,” he has to take the time to squeeze.  Otherwise, he’ll have so many different flavors of “juice” on his palate, his mouth will be in a permanent state of sour- induced contorted twists.  And, walking around with a face like that,  his “juice” problems will be all dried up.

Why do men hate drama?

To a man, a woman who is verbalizing her feelings in depth and dwelling on them is creating drama.  He hates drama because he doesn’t understand it.  Men don’t verbalize problems or feelings.  They internalize…go into their mental cave to fix the problem.  And if she tries to force her pretty little only-trying-to-help head into that cave, she’ll likely lose it.  WARNING:  NO interruptions while the “fixing” process is underway.  He’s a problem-solver, not a detail thinker.  If she complains, cries, or presents him with a problem, he immediately puts on his fix-it hat.  He feels he needs to determine the problem, triangulate a solution, and put that solution into motion…then, and only then, in his mind, has he done his job, protected his woman, and made her happy.  This is his way of showing his love for her.  But, too many emotional details cloud his plan of action and only frustrate him…however he forges on.  Once he’s zeroed in on and offered a solution, she gets angry.  He’s confused…she had a problem, he solved it, but she’s still angry?  He’s not sure what she wants from him.  Both have hit a dead end.  Let the fighting begin.  After going a few rounds, he realizes that he doesn’t know how to fix the problem because she won’t allow him to.  She’s just tied his hands behind his back while spoon feeding him a steady stream of drama that he doesn’t know how to digest…eventually he’ll get full and spit it back at her, walk away, and distance himself from the perceived problem.  If he’s not allowed to fix it, he feels like a failure.  If a man is made to feel like a failure, he pulls back.  If he pulls back, she assumes he doesn’t care.  Result:  more DRAMA…more pulling back…more drama…more pulling back…disconnect.  Tip for men:  Listen, don’t fix.  Determining the “whys to her cries” without attempting the fix may just turn those cries into bedroom surprise.

Why do women create drama?

Some have theorized that women create drama in an unconscious attempt to put a man on the spot and find out his emotional strengths and weaknesses…in essence, judge him on how he handles emotional situations…is he a listener?  encouraging?  patient?  selfish?  empathetic?  supportive?  It’s hypothesized that this “test” acts as gauge as to what her future may be like with him.  While this is not a scientific theory,  it’s a theory that very much intrigues me.  By nature, we strive to find the best suitable mate for ourselves AND the best possible father for our children.  His emotional gauge is vital information to this search.  A way of eliminating the “bad eggs” and revealing the “golden egg.”

 Some scientists claim that a woman who creates an excessive amount of drama and displays needy or clingy behavior was likely the child of neglectful parenting…that the child was accustomed to begging for love and attention and is, therefore, conditioned to think drama is the only way of achieving it.  Ironically, in the end, that drama will only achieve the opposite, as she’ll suffocate any man who attempts to love her.  Fan a flame, you see light.  Suffocate it, you see nothing.

Cold hard truth?  Women are emotional beings.  Emotional all of the time, yes.  More emotional once a month, absolutely.  You can bet…she hates her monthly friend more than he does.   He may be held captive and forced to watch the hormonal sideshow starring the two-headed,  flame-eating woman… but she’s the one tied up emotionally and taken hostage by her alter ego freakshow only to later wonder… “Who the hell was that?”  But that’s just once a month…best advice…lower your head and NEVER, ever look her in the eye, as it’s seen as a challenge.  And going up against two heads spitting fire cannot end well. She shares her feelings, emotions, and problems not because she wants him to “fix” them.  She shares them to establish and nourish relationships.  She shares them because  she loves him, because she wants to bond with him, because she needs to feel that he understands her.  It’s just that simple.  She’s not looking for a solution.  She doesn’t want, or need, him to fix her problem.  If she does, she’ll ask.  Otherwise, she only wants him to listen.  She wants him to validate her feelings and empathize with her.  She wants him to be quiet, listen…and say “I know.  You’re right.  I can totally see why you would feel that way.  Is there anything I can do?”  Validation…check.  Empathy…check.  This response will calm her,  reinstate him as her rock, and make her fall in love with him all over again.  Soon her meltdown will begin to solidify.  Once it does, she’ll be equipped to move on, get over it, and possibly get it on.  Emotion (hers, not his)  followed by sex is the ultimate connector.  With the almighty power of this combo, not only is he her emotional rock…he’s her sexual Hercules. 

Men must realize that women and drama go hand in hand…understand this, accept it, and learn how to respond in a way that will make her respond.  Cutting off her emotional sharing will in turn cut off her connection to you.  Keep all connecting roads open…and you will find many short cuts to the destination of your sexual choice.  Women must realize that sometimes we overdo the drama. While it’s a necessary evil with us, too much “evil” will wear down the devil himself.  Keep the emotional sharing on a short leash.  Too much running rampant will result in piles of crap everywhere.  And if he’s not allowed to clean it up, he may leave the park.

 Realistically, it’s not within a woman’s grasp to attain No-Drama mama status.  But, with a little understanding and effort, she can totally rock his world as his Low-Drama mama.

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family.  She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with  her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://chickhughes.com/ to read more of her work.  Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Marriage Rules You Can Break

Today, I read a fabulous article on MSNBC.COM entitled “10 Marriage Rules You Can Break.”  I thought I would repost them and share them with our readers as they are informative and right on the money.  Enjoy.

Don’t go to bed angry

Trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”

Always Be 100% Honest

In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. “You don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW. The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

Never Vacation Without Each Other

The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. The danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.”

If you Fight, You’re Headed for Divorce

Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who never fight – assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict – are more likely to split.

Always Put the Kids First

Making your relationship top priority is better – not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship.

Never Sleep in Separate Beds

It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it.

Partners Should Sync Up Their Hobbies

Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests and find activities you both enjoy.

If There’s No Spark, You’re Doomed

“Many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and should seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love.

Boring is Bad

The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy.

You Should Have Sex With Your Partner to Make Him Happy

“Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

It’s ALL About Me!

In our relationships there are times when all we think about is our own personal interests and our own needs.  We actually refuse to see our spouse or significant other’s point of view, nor are we open for communication.   With that being said, conflict is inevitable; however, most of the time, it isn’t the conflict itself that is the problem or how it is potentially resolved, but it is about our own attitudes and issues.

Sometimes in our relationships we get in a funk.  We fall into that “it’s all about me” attitude and we aren’t focused.  This holds especially true when conflict arises.  We tend to convolute the issues by bringing up past issues and problems that hurt us, or ones that we make “all about us” and we don’t allow our focus to be on the present or our actual feelings today.  At that moment, we skew all understanding of what is really happening and we make our situations more taxing.

Having empathy in our relationships is one of the single most important values to have.  When conflict arises, instead of tending to only think about ourselves and our own personal feelings, we need to instead flip it and have empathy for our partners.  With that, we can in turn see one another’s point of view. We can also see our problem or issue more objectively which will then lessen the focus on the argument at hand.

The following are some tips on ways to improve your personal attitude when you are suffering from what I call the “it’s all about me” syndrome:

• Listen to one another intently.  Do you ever find yourself sitting there when your spouse is talking to you and you are thinking about tomorrow’s work or what you are going to cook for dinner that evening?  Many of us have been guilty of this.  It is important to remember that solid communication takes two to achieve.  In our marriages and relationships we have to remind ourselves what is most important to us.  Let’s be perfectly honest, there are times when what our partner has to say to us (or what we have to say to them) isn’t really that interesting.  However, truly engaging ourselves with one another, no matter the subject, reflects true communication.
• Own your own issues.  Rarely does fault lie with one person in a relationship.  When we argue or have hard times, we tend to place blame unfairly.  We tend to shy away from admitting when we are at fault or plain wrong.  It takes learning humility in order to feel confident in admitting your own faults.  The positive to having such humility is that it opens the door for your spouse to do and feel the same and sets an important example.  As I always tell others, humility should certainly not be taken for weakness.  So, own your own issues, admit when you are wrong and move past the problem.
• Empathy, empathy, empathy.  I cannot stress it enough. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and walk in them.  Feel what they feel.  By doing this, you will see a clearer view of their reasoning and their opinions.  Hopefully, with both of you exercising a little empathy, your focus will lessen on the issues.
• The “Right” Factor.  You do not always have to be right!  Get over yourself.  You are a partner in your relationship.  The definition of partner means two people in a marriage or relationship that share a common interest, an ally, a teammate.  Instead of demanding to be right, find compromise.  Look to resolution instead of allowing “the win” of the argument to matter.  In a relationship that you value, being right or “winning” should be the last thing on your mind.  Because feeling like you have to ”win” at the expense of your relationship or your spouse/partner’s feelings, means something is desperately wrong.

Finding balance between our feelings as spouses takes work.  Having respect, listening and reminding ourselves to be effective communicators with one another will lead you out of the funk of ”it’s all about me” and into “we are a team” attitude.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How to Encourage Positive Projections in Your Marriage

Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who constantly refers to his/her marriage in a negative manner?  I have such a co-worker.  Every day there is a new complaint:  he’s gained too much weight; he doesn’t satisfy her anymore; he never finishes a home project; he snores too loudly; he doesn’t support her visions….the list goes on and on.  Well, this behavior got me to thinking about the difference between reflecting  positive projections in our marriages versus the negative and how destructive reflecting such negative projections can be to our relationships and our view of  our spouses.

There are many ways that we can incorporate positivity into our daily lives so that we do less negative projecting in our marriages and allow our positive thoughts, attitudes and perceptions to make our bonds stronger.

For example:

• When you both have legitimate concerns, realize that your spouse’s concern deserves to be addressed, not just your own.
• Reframe the behaviors that bother you the most about your spouse.  For example, if you feel your spouse is having difficulty satisfying your needs, talk to him/her about your feelings and offer to teach them about what you desire.  Taking the extra step to come out of your comfort zone to make an effort to reframe your behavior will work wonders and filter over to your spouse.  Instead of criticizing your spouse about his/her sexual issues with your co-workers, be honest with your partner.  Honesty is always the best policy.  Be proactive about helping him/her to change this factor.  By doing this, you have proactively taken the negative out of the situation and made it a positive.
• Make an effort to understand each others’ intent regarding your respective behaviors.  9 times out of 10, your separate understandings will be totally different.  Give one another the benefit of the doubt.  Listen to each others’ explanations without interrupting.   You might find that your spouse’s concern may be something important that you need to deal with together.
• Refrain from speaking negatively about your spouse in the presence of others.  The old saying goes..”be careful what you ask for…you might just get it.”  Well, if you do not make a habit of claiming negativity in your marriage, you will be more prone to claiming and receiving positivity in your marriage.

By utilizing some of the above tips, you will be able to be more objective when dealing with negative issues and able to bring in more positivity into your relationship.

Remember, when we married our spouses, we didn’t just commit to them in happy times, but also in stressful times.  Accepting each others’ neuroses is a part of a having a happy, healthy, positive  marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

My Way Or The Highway

Have you ever thought that everything would be great in your relationship if your spouse or significant other changed to comply with everything you think is right?  I can admit that in one of my past lives, I have been guilty of doing so.  Instead of validating your spouse’s perspective on a situation, you make it impossible to negotiate and refuse to stand together to find an amicable solution to whatever issue the two of you are experiencing.  Ironically, you attribute your meeting him/her in the middle as weakness and instead of feeling like partners, you feel like opponents.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Every relationship has its share of stresses and each person, at times, whether they admit it or not, has times when their disagreements get the best of them and inadvertently allows that argument to redefine them and their commitment.  When disagreements get  bad, each person digs in and makes little effort to work around the problem at hand.  What they are essentially saying is “it’s my way or the highway.”

In partnership there are always going to be hard times and unexpected problems that occur.  It’s important to remember through every unexpected cloud there is a silver lining.  You don’t have to fool yourself into thinking that it has to be one way or the other in order to be happy.  It is also important to understand that although disagreements aren’t comfortable to go through, they add character to our relationships.

Here are a few tips to help you avoid the ”my way or the highway” attitude:

• Think objectively when communicating with your spouse, especially during disagreements.
• Your perspective is based on your individual experience but that does not make it right in a relationship.  Take the creative leap to empathize with your spouse, see his/her point of view and perspective and do not make them feel invalidated.
• Appreciate your differences.
• When going through differences, don’t fill in the blanks about what the other person is thinking or trying to say.  By doing so, we take the quality we experience and attribute it to the other person.  That quality doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to your relationship.

Lastly, any solution we find to our disagreements has to come from a “WE” point of view.  For example, when disagreeing, begin with “Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing.  What can we do to help us stop.”

These are just a few ways to explore avoiding ultimatum language like the title of this post describes.   Having the ability to appreciate your partner’s point of view does not invalidate your own. Being able to appreciate each others’ differences is a value that all relationships should strive to achieve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How to Have Healthy Arguments in Your Marriage

It has been proven time and time again that no real relationship or marriage exists without healthy argument and disagreements.  All humans are different and have different opinions and views and this certainly applies in today’s modern families.  Marriages are not exempt.  Differences, although can be looked at from a negative point of view, are actually healthy and build character in your marriage.  Of course, as long as these differences/disagreements are not something that cause irreversible harm and/or discord.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think by ignoring their problems or brushing them under the rug, that time or the absence of discussion about them will keep them from resurfacing.  However, the exact opposite is true.  Silencing yourself, pushing your feelings and problems under the rug will only enhance them.  It will not only be the cause of their resurfacing, but the cause of them exploding into something much worse!

When issues arise, being objective is key to overcoming problems.  In my work, it is often easy for me to listen to a couple and pretty much immediately point out exactly what is going on between them and whether or not it is something they are going to be able to work out.   At times, to them, it seems that I can even understand their relationship better than they can.   How…you might ask?  Simply, my point of view of their relationship is objective and not personal as it is with them.   As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.“  The key word being “objective.”

In every relationship, each person not only deserves to have their point of view validated when issues arise but also they deserve to know that their opinions matter to their spouse.   For example, you and your spouse are in an argument because your husband comes home, immediately gets his newspaper and beer and for the next hour ignores everyone and everything around him. He even gets upset when you interrupt him because you have supper on the table.  When communicating your feelings, you might begin with “I understand that reading is very relaxing for you but we haven’t seen one another all day and when we don’t eat together, I feel disconnected from you,”  instead of immediately going for the jugular with “You grabbing the paper and ignoring me is pissing me off.”   Being a little empathetic to your spouse’s reason for his/her behavior goes a long way.

A great tool in communication is empathy.  Try walking in your partners shoes (or thinking about it that way) when a situation arises.  Separating yourself and your marriage from the problem at hand is a good start.  When things are stalled, ask your partner “What can WE do to change this?“  Think of ways around what you are arguing about and sometimes, just simply agreeing to disagree on an issue is enough.  This simple step can be applied in your blended family environment as well.

Another great tool to use is to adopt a bit of flexibility when you are having disagreements, especially if you have been known to be on the stubborn side at times.  When you are willing to give a little bit and take a little bit, you will find that your spouse will be inclined to do the same.

Learning the art of being objective, flexible, empathetic and respectful with your spouse are valuable lessons in creating productive communication through disagreement, and of which will carry the two of you for a lifetime.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Relationship Communication 101

In all aspects of a relationship, whether that be in your marriage, your relationships with your children, your friends and even at your place of employment, there has to be a certain level of communication in order to avoid conflict and to sustain healthy relationships.  Simply put, without communication, there is no real relationship.

With that being said, communicating isn’t always that simple, even among people who may have lots in common and share the same views.  This is because to err is human and we all make mistakes.  There are several mistakes that people make when communicating, which in turn can cause a great conversation to get ugly rather quickly:

1.  Aggressive communication to impress outsiders.  Frequently, people will make the mistake of trying to get their point across by trying to over-talk the other party and making the contents of their communication known to all those around in order to convince people to take sides.

2.  Misinterpretation.  You take every thing your spouse is trying to say to you and misinterpret it.  For example, your spouse initiates a conversation about good discipline within your modern family and you twist it by thinking he is attacking your personal parenting skills.  You then let him have it and both of you are frustrated and upset.

3.  Communicating but not hearing.  You don’t like, and have no interest in the subject in which your spouse or loved one is trying to communicate with you about so you purposely put them on “mute-mode.”  At that point, you aren’t paying any real attention to the conversation at all.  End result — no communication at all.

Some helpful tips to alleviate these problems with communication include:

• Attentive listening.  Paying active attention to the conversation and showing real interest shows great respect for the person you are communicating with.  It is very satisfying for a spouse to know that they are being not only listened to, but heard as well.  True listening allows you to feel and understand your spouse or loved one’s needs and feelings.
• Use non-accusatory language. When addressing problems or issues between you and your loved one, begin the conversation by removing the world “You.”  The word “you” when used in conflicting conversation, can be taken as  accusatory at times.  Instead, start with “I feel” or “We.”   Remember, a statement about your personal feelings is hard to challenge and therefore allows for less of a defensive reaction from the other communicator.
• Patience. Lastly, When you are angry, misguided or have misinterpreted something with your spouse or loved one, sometimes it is best to leave certain things unsaid for that moment.  When things cool down and you, your spouse and/or loved one is more approachable, then you can revisit that concern.  But, for the time being, let it go.

Good communication is one of the keys to building any successful relationship whether that relationship be at home with modern family, at school with your friends and teachers or in your marriage as well.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Do you constantly seek approval outside of your marriage?

Isn’t it funny how married people in general seek approval from anyone and everyone who is OUTSIDE of their marriage? We want mom to approve of and agree with all of our parenting choices. We want ex-spouses, even, to approve of our new spouse. If we have kids, we seek their approval as well. Some might even seek the approval of friends. But, often times, the last person we seek approval from is our SPOUSE. Instead, we expect and automatically assume that he or she will be just fine with all of our choices, thereby taking him or her for granted.

There are more than a few passages in the bible that give explanation regarding the institution of marriage.  Genesis 2:23-24 says, “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Matthew 19:6 says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Ephesians 5:25-31 says, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”

I didn’t detect anything about ex-spouses, in-laws, parents or friends in any of those statements. A husband and wife are supposed to cling to each other, love each other as they would love themselves and fully support each other in their union. There is no room for anyone else in a marriage.

So many times, I’ve heard husbands say that they just don’t want to upset their EX-wives; children who say that their mothers’ approval of their marriage, their parenting styles and their spouses are like unbearable thorns in their side because they work so hard to gain what they feel they’ll never get – her approval, and even wives who work extra hard to gain the approval of their spouse’s ex-spouse. What I rarely hear or witness any of them doing is considering their spouse’s feelings, thoughts or opinions when it comes to the matter that seek approval on. Well, at least not until I bring it up.

With the divorce rate steadily climbing, it’s no secret that married couples are doing something wrong, and the main problem that I see is couples automatically starting off viewing their marriage as something that is temporary instead of permanent. It is true that your mother will always be your mother; your ex-spouse will always be the parent of your child and your sibling will always be your sibling. However, the same is true of your spouse and you should view him or  her with the same permanency that you do the others.

Now this doesn’t mean that you will never take anybody else’s opinions or feelings into consideration because you will. But, you should work to please your spouse while considering the others, and not the other way around. Your marriage is not a presidential election in which everyone gets a vote. It is about two people and the only people who know what’s going on inside of it are the two people in it. As such, you are the only two people who get a vote.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK! You have to first start with two like-minded people and those two people must be fully committed to putting in work; committed to making each other happy, committed to supporting each other and committed to presenting a united front when circumstances or people aim to tear you apart. Just remember that while your mother will always be your mother; your sibling will always be your sibling; and your ex-spouse will be always be your co-parenting partner, your spouse will always be your life partner.

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must
be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.” ~Frank Pittman

Love Rules!

“Nearly 60% of the marriages in the United States end in divorce”

In focusing on the statistical data, one might say that the institute of marriage in our country is falling apart.  Most reasons for this include money, children, infidelity, lack of respect and the biggest of them all…non-communication.  It would seem that the odds are stacked against all of us who are currently married or remarried, especially for those who are newly divorced and hoping for remarriage one day.  Today, some folks are even making conscientious/constructive decisions not to get married at all.  The question I keep finding myself asking is this….How do we find unconditional love that conquers all?  Is this even obtainable?  Can love conquer all?  I believe the answer is: Yes, we can.

 Why were marriages of the past so successful?  Marriages of the past share the basic rules that we have today – only there is one difference.  That difference, to me, is unconditional love.  In our society today, we are molded around the idea that no matter what happens in our marriage, if we get the point that we can’t handle it – however simple the problem may be – we give up and allude to the fact that we can just “get divorced.”  It’s too easy to get divorced in today’s society.  It’s obvious that I totally understand that we live in a different world than did our grandparents and great-grandparents time, and obviously, we don’t have the social pressures to stay with our mates through thick and thin as they did back then, not to mention the fact that our society is always evolving and ever changing, but back then (at least from the stories told to me by my grandmothers) husbands and wives just had a lot more plain old mutual respect for one another.  They communicated, they shared meals together, they stuck by one another, they instilled family values in their children and they worked together at their marriages – they valued each other’s place in the family unit.  Sure, there were those bad apples around that spoiled the bunch, but mainly, marriage and family was first and foremost outside of religion for most people.

Albeit, let me put out my disclaimer that I am not (actually far from) an expert in marital counseling or in the institute of marriage itself, but in my opinion, in any union, the conviction that you have for your mate (whether in a traditional or non-traditional relationship) that he or she is valued and worthy of being loved by you is so important.  It is important that you do your best to make them feel admired and cherished by you.  My husband always makes me feel important to him.  This is one of his best qualities.  What he gives me is something that I never had in any other past relationship.  Now, I wonder why I ever allowed myself to settle for less in the past.  It is so rewarding to have the feeling of admiration and appreciation.  No marriage is perfect by far, but problems can be surmountable.  They can be overcome with plenty of love, patience, positivity, communication and conviction toward resolve. 

 To me, the difference between a good marriage and a GREAT marriage is conviction.  My principle passion is to have a happy home, family and life.  Is it hard sometimes? Of course!  Are there days where I think to myself….”Good Golly Miss Molly – What on Earth have I gotten myself into?”  Absolutely!  We all have these moments when we are frustrated in our marriages.  But, I have an assured belief that God has me and my husband right where he wants us to be and that is TOGETHER.  We put up with one another through thick and thin.  Couples that are able to dig deep enough to weather the storms together end up building marriages that stand the test of time in the long run.  They are unbreakable.  They overcome!  This is unconditional love.  Be blessed BFSO readers and let me know what tips you use to keep your marriage healthy, strong and happy.  I’d love to hear from you.

 Peace and blessings,
Di

Relationship Coach, Lacee Jacobs lends advice to wives and ex-wives

Di, J and I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to the fabulous Relationship Coach, Lacee Jacobs, during the taping of our first talk show. She offered some insightful advice that I’m certain our readers will find helpful. Here’s a recap:

What can wives and ex-wives do to improve their relationship and minimize conflict?

• Be committed!
• Determine if your heart is open or if it is closed. This involves the willingness to evaluate the pureness of your way of being toward the other person. What are your deepest thoughts and attitudes about them? Open your heart and release the negative thoughts! This is probably the most challenging step. 
• Establish and acknowledge your own value as well as acknowledge the value of the other person. (In Psychology terms, this is what is referred to as creating healthy boundaries.)
•  Be willing to put yourself in their shoes.  Try viewing the world from their perspective. You do not have to own their perspective, just try it on to attain understanding and compassion. This will require you to be respectful, curious and open.
• Ask yourself questions like, “What can I do to help this person be successful in relationship with me?” Stay away from questions like the following:  ”What is wrong with them?” “Why do I have to be the bigger person?” “Why me?” This step boils down to you choosing to be part of the solution vs. part of the problem.
• Participate in heart communication. This is something that you may need to learn. Take responsibility by reading a book, seeing a therapist or hiring a relationship coach.
• Develop a healthy relationship with your spouse, partner, or significant other.
• Develop a healthy relationship with all of the children that are part of your blended family.

Remember that relationships are designed to teach us. Once you embrace this, you may discover that this experience is an opportunity for you to heal and move toward becoming a bigger version of yourself.

Lacee Jacobs is a professional coach who specializes in working with human relationships of all kinds. As a certified Body/Mind coach and Trained Relationship Systems Practitioner, Lacee combines passion, hearth and challenge to get the results with her clients. For more information on Lacee Jacobs please visit www.myinspiredinsights.com.

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