Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Happy New Year – 2012!

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

Personal Reflections for a Joyful Mind

With the holidays fast approaching, I, like many of you readers, end up doing a lot of self-reflection of not just the past year that flew by, but about what I want to do differently next year, what I want to change about myself and remembering those special people that have gone from us too soon.

As I have stated many times, by the time I was 31, I was widowed with 3 children.  I had lost my husband, older brother and grandfather all within a two year period.  Of course, that was over 12 years ago now, but in my reflections, I have come realize how far I have actually come in my life since that stressful time.  I am writing this post with The Joyful Mind Project on my heart with hopes to maybe spark some of you readers who may also be reflecting in your own way.  Maybe you suffer from anxiety as I did after my experiences, maybe you suffer from depression or maybe you just are overworked and overwhelmed and you feel like your world is crashing around you.  In my experience, getting through and getting to the point of reflection came first by way of acceptance.  Just plain and simply accepting life as it is.  Going thru this process can be nothing less than devastating but it is reality.

Accepting life right where you are, all of the bad, the ugly and the good is essential.  It’s really about deciding to “surrender” what you “think” your life is or should be at that moment and choosing to accept and change.  It has been written that…..”Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”   The way we cope.  What a powerful statement.  Of course, the way we each individually cope is always going to be different, but for me, it took a good long time.  I had a catch phrase that I told myself often and it was this…”If you can cope, you have hope.”  Cliche, I know but it worked for me.

Once you begin to accept that you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment, your whole perspective will begin to change.  You will decide at that moment to devise a different relationship with the problem at hand.  I tell my coaching clients all of the time that if they focus only on what is wrong with their blended family then that will be their reality because at that point, they aren’t “choosing” to fix the problem.  Their words have not become impeccable.  They haven’t gotten to acceptance yet.  Accept there is a problem, get help and do your best to fix it.  See the problem differently instead of letting it debilitate you.

TMF Readers, when you are going thru acceptance, remember to not allow your emotions to consume you.  You never have to follow or obey your emotions.  You can choose to manage them.  Don’t give all of your power away to your emotions because it is then that they can take over your life.

It is very empowering to accept that where you are right now doesn’t have to be your whole life.  Your perspective can change as long as you don’t allow yourself to continually focus on the “wrong” and focus on what you can change to make it “right.”  Choice is a powerful tool.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Terrible Couple — Amazing Co-Parents?

We all know the statistics.  Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of all remarriages do the same.  We all assume our marriages start off on the right foot then over time, for whatever reason, the issues consume us and eventually sink our marriages.  Further, most couples end up in divorce court because they wait until it is too late to get the help they need in order to save it.  The feelings of resentment creep in and the couple becomes detached from one another. Unfortunately, during this time, the silent partners in the relationship, the children, suffer the most.  With that being said, there still is hope.  I know many divorced couples that are able to put their pe rsonal feelings and resentments aside for the betterment of their children and have become amazing co-parents.

When talking to my clients who are experiencing co-parent issues, the first piece of advice I like to give them is that they need to look at their situation through the eyes and perspective of their children.  Children look to their parents for their stability and support both physically and emotionally.  If you two are a mess, they will be more than a mess.  You can be great co-parents as long as you develop a good business relationship aside from your divorce.  That seems odd for most people to hear.  A business relationship?  Yes, raising healthy and stable children is meticulous.  Remember, your past marriage and your current parenting take different skill sets.  Therefore, after divorce, your feelings about your marriage need to be put aside.  Like in business, in healthy and effective co-parenting, there has to be strong commitment.  Most of you will say, ”well that’s easy….they’re my children, of course I will be committed.”  Well, I am here to tell you that when divorce is fresh, new and you are still hurting, a lot of times, that commitment to healthy co-parenting is the last thing on some folks’ mind.  I find it amazing that when a couple is married they agree on how they are going to parent their children ”together” but when divorce creeps in, they ultimately decide that must change and their parenting has to become a battle.  Seriously TMF readers, I have seen it on many occasions and most parents are in denial about it.  I’ll give you the following examples of same:

• Ignoring phone calls or messages when the child is in your custody.
• Common courtesy calls no longer exist (i.e., when the child is sick in your custody, you don’t inform the other parent).
• Disparagement of the other parent occurs when the children are present.
• Notice is not given about parent/teacher conferences or events until the last minute and the other parent is not able to attend or is not notified at all.
• Use your children to relay messages to the other parent.
• Discipline that one parent instituted is disregarded when the child is in your possession.

Friends, there is no rule that states that after divorce you can’t get along with your ex spouse, especially in order to co-parent your children.  Being able to co-parent effectively lessens the chance that your children will be caught in the cross-fire because of unresolved issues.  This is where I say your co-parenting relationship has to become a business relationship.  The children you created together deserve to watch you and learn and have stability.  If parents are able to realize that it’s okay to see past their own feelings in order to accomplish this for their children, they will be on their way to becoming amazing co-parents.  Remember, you  both have things to teach your children and you have to “love” your children more than you “hate or dislike” each other during the process.  Here are a few tips to get you on your way:

• Back one another up on decisions.  If your ex has disciplined your child and your weekend or Spring break has come up, stick with the instituted discipline.  If you falter on this issue, your children will always know they can play two ends to the middle.
• Major decisions regarding your children should always be made by both parents.
• Respect, respect, respect.  DEMAND IT for both parents.
• Communication is critical.
• Our children’s feelings come first before ours.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff.  You and your ex are different.  Neither of you may not always understand the others reasoning for things.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Most of the time, it’s not worth an argument.
• No parent-playing allowed.  Children are good at getting one parent or the other to “side” with them.  Communication is key with this issue.  Parents have to talk.  All children play their parents from time-to-time and when they are teens, it usually gets worse.  Your children should know that you trust the parenting skills of the other parent at all times.  This alleviates this issue 90% of the time.
• Keep the grown up issues between the two grown ups.  Speaking in an ill manner in front of your children will only create insecure children.  Don’t disparage.  It’s not worth the damage it causes.  Remember, your children are part of the other parent just as they are a part of you.  When you disparage, they take that as an insult to them, whether they show it or not.  They love both of you.
• Encourage each other.  Yes, not only is it possible, it is healthy for your children.  When the both of you are trying hard to co-parent effectively, appreciate one anothers efforts.

TMF readers, your children are watching you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Keeping your focus on your children after divorce sometimes means you have to be the bigger person when conflict arises.  By being able to co-parent effectively, you are not just showing your children that their mental, physical and emotional health means the world to you but you are teaching them how to handle conflict themselves which will serve them well in the future.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Are You Nurturing or Sinking Your Marriage?

If a flower isn’t watered it eventually dies….Right?

The answer to the above question isn’t rocket science.  Think about it.  We nurture our children, we nurture our jobs in order to keep them, we nurture our parents when they need us, we even nurture our friendships etc. etc.  The list goes on and on.  However, when it comes to our most important relationship, the one we share with our life partners, we tend to take for granted that it will always be okay.  We tell ourselves that we will make time for him/her tomorrow.  Well, more often than not, tomorrow becomes the next day and the next day becomes next week and so on.  When your relationship becomes stale, you are flabbergasted and cant figure out why it is sinking. 

A relationship as sacred as that in which we share with our spouse absolutely needs to be nurtured.   Your marriage nor your feelings have to fall into the trap of complacency.  In fact, being aware of some of the bad habits that you might be displaying can keep you from going down that path.  Some of those habits might include:

• Focusing only on the negative aspects and not the positive.
• Not paying attention to your spouse.
• Nitpicking.
• Bickering.
•  Using language that doesn’t reflect your togetherness (i.e., the way you talk about the good and bad times).

Granted, there are a lot of stress factors going on in these days and times in our lives which can lead us to focus more on whats negative in our personal relationships but for every negative, you should be able to find 5 positives about your spouse that will remind you of why you chose to spend your life with that person.   In the words of Kela Price, “marriage is hard, remarriage is even harder.”  Keeping your marriage alive and healthy will be a test to your strength as a couple but is essential.  As I discussed above, the arch nemesis of marriage is complacency.  We cannot just think that just because we have made a commitment to one another that we don’t have to work hard at it to keep it alive.  Only you and your spouse can ensure that your relationship will stay exciting.  Only you and your spouse can make sure that your marriage stays afloat and only you and your spouse can nurture your love.

The number one necessity in succeeding at nurturing your marriage is romance.  No matter how secure you think you are in your relationship, if you are not romancing your partner, your marriage is not secure.  The following are some tips to help you along the way:

• Talk, Talk, Talk!  Maintaining open communication is your lifeline.  Communication is key to building a solid bond and allows you to discuss your feelings, concerns, hopes and desires.  You won’t know your spouse if you don’t communicate.
• Show Your Interest.  If you don’t like sports, fake it till you make it!  If football season is crucial to your husband, do your best to show interest with him.  If you just cant stomach watching a whole game, buy him a couple tickets to enjoy with a friend!  If your wife loves the nail salon and you hate it, surprise her with a gift card from her local place.  These “little things” mean a lot. 
• No Bickering.  Pick your battles.  Ask yourself, is this really worth it?  If it is something that really bothers you, then obviously you need to talk about it with your spouse.  However, if it is just something that you want to nit pick about, pick your battles because their could be a war over the horizon.
• Appreciation.  Everyone needs to know that they matter.  Every human being desires to be appreciated.  Men and women alike.  Let your spouse know how much they mean to you.
• Quality Time.  Take time to have quality, alone time with your partner.  Cut the lights out, light the candles after the kids have gone to bed, turn the music on and slow dance!  Take a long walk in the park and don’t discuss any problems, only focus on your spouse.  Institute a regular date night.  Once per week would be ideal but at least twice a month.  Get away for the weekend alone.  Renewing your energy with your spouse is key to keeping it alive and fresh.
• Recreate Your First Date.  Remember that anxious feeling you had when you first met?  Get that feeling back again and go to the same place you were on your first date!  It works wonders.
• Leave Eachother Love Notes.  Text messages are great for leaving quick notes, but a good old-fashioned handwritten note is even better.  Lay it on your wife’s pillowcase or in her car, she wont be able to wait to see you that night. 
• Get Steamy in your Sex Life.  Need I say more?  Be creative, try new things.  Spice it up!  Use your imagination!
• Say “I Love You” Often.  Those simple three words are like music to your spouses ears!  Say them often. 

TMF Readers, remember, its usually the smallest tokens of affection that lead to happiness in your marriage.  It doesn’t take any money to tune into you and your partners feelings and needs.  I know when my needs are not being met, I get irritable and cranky with myself and the people I love.  Our marital ships become unstable when we are not “tuning in, paying attention and nurturing” marriages.  Don’t let your ship sink!  Nurture your vessel.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Are You Co-Dependent on Your Kids?

There are situations in life where it becomes inevitable that as parents we make mistakes.  One of the mistakes I made as a young, widowed mother was relying entirely too much on my oldest son during our time of grief.  Granted, I had a lot going on at the time, including pregnancy,  but I admit, I let my focus go as a parent.  I allowed my emotions at the time to control my actions.  Those emotions took many forms and needless to say, I relied too much on my son for my own happiness which in turn blurred the line between dependence and independence for him as he got older and co-dependence for me.

During and after divorce, many times both parents are so emotionally hung up on trying to re-evaluate their own lives that they feel it is okay to involve their children in every single aspect of their beings.  For example, some parents guilty parent so exceedingly that they actually allow their children to become “spouse-like.”  What do I mean by that you might ask?  They base all of their decisions around what their children think, they ask their children for advice, they lean on their children for sympathy, they communicate with their children as if they are their best friends.  Parents allow their own happiness to rely totally on the happiness of their children.  When this occurs, this is a complete no-win situation for your child. 

When going through our own emotions as parents, it is extremely important to show our children that even though circumstances happen in life that cause heartache, pain, grief or disappointment, that their presence in our lives alone makes us happy.  Therefore, we are not unintentionally making them feel responsible to “fix” things for us.  If we don’t make that clear, they will inevitably feel responsible for our happiness.  They will feel that it is their responsibility to be our listening ear and that it is normal for them to fill the “void” that you are missing.  Remember, your children are just that, your children….not your surrogate mate.

TMF Readers, if you don’t remember anything at all about us here at Today’s Modern Family, remember that what we write about, we have almost always lived through.  I felt the need to write this post on my heart because during the time that I was personally experiencing this type of dependence, I was really not doing what was in my childrens’ best interest.  In order for me to stop being a codependent parent, I had to get a life for myself. 

Your life does not have to revolve around your children.  Value yourself enough to give yourself your own time to do some of the things that make you happy and what makes you relax and renew.  Find time to pursue your dreams and goals.  Even after something as hard as divorce is to get through, being able to focus on the bigger picture and what might lie ahead for you if you are willing to put in the work to forge ahead will be of great benefit to you.  Make time for yourself. 

Instead of teaching your children the art of codependency, teach them that it’s okay to have strengths and weaknesses.  It’s okay to learn from your mistakes and to deal with them on your own for the greater good.  Life is full of negatives.  Don’t worry them with your problems and your circumstances.  If you want to do anything for your children, turn your codependency into freedom for them.  Let them make their own choices about their absent parent without your feelings being at stake.  They need your security, they look to you for their protection.  They can’t protect us nor should they carry that burden.  

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Does Marriage Equal Love?

Have you ever heard someone say that marriage and love have nothing in common?  I recently overheard a conversation where that statement was made and I began to explore my own thoughts, the thoughts of some of my friends, and researched the topic.  I felt compelled to write this post in order to help our readers to motivate their marriage because I, undeniably, am a sucker for a fairy tale marriage. 

Some have said that marriage and love have nothing in common because they are actually at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Granted, some marriages are as a result of love but what about true love?  Is love really a result of the marriage itself or do you fall  in love after marriage?  I read somewhere once that marriage is actually an “insurance pact” and that it’s return on the investment are insignificantly small.

 I have to disagree.   Marriage and it’s return are 100-fold, and in my opinion, is much more than all of the above statements.  It’s me and my husband’s confidence in one another’s protection and passion, our bond and intense craving of each other, our vision, goals and ever so important, our friendship.  It’s mastering our grace together, our ability to teach our children what the “bond” of marriage means and having humility.

Of course, I am not living on cloud 9.  I know that the divorce rate in the United States and abroad is skyrocketing  and I am certainly aware that some marriages without love last years and years, but forging a solid marriage takes commitment.  Websters dictionary describes the word commitment as “together to bind, as by a promise; to make a pledge.  Marriage is hard work, and I believe, if love had nothing in common with marriage, this pledge in itself would be impossible.

I will even admit that my marriage takes a little extra work being I live in a blended family. We have been married for nearly 7 years, together off and on for 10 and we still struggle from time to time. It is my belief that every marriage experiences personal hurts, personality differences and challenges. But it is the extra effort that we put into it that breeds into our love and allows us to work through any issues that may arise. We focus on one anothers needs above our own. We talk, talk, talk. We view our marriage as long-term, always, even through the differences of opinion, through the pain when we are faced with a disagreement. We constantly remind ourselves of where we have been and the growth that has taken place in our marriage. Most importantly readers, we adjust our expectations of one another. No marriage is perfect, certainly not mine, but if we are committed to our spouses and our families, we make adjustments.

So, in answer to the question relative to this post…”Does marriage equal love?”  Marriage and love go hand-in-hand as long as there are two people who view their relationship as whole and who are willing to make the commitment because love isn’t enough.  You have to have commitment and all that it entails.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Shaping Loyalties = Sabatoging Trust

As Dr. Jeanette Lofas so eloquently uses as her tag line on her website, “Often stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide!”   At times, the word “collide” can feel like an understatement to a blended family struggling with loyalty conflicts.  Loyalty is often an emotional response to a particular situation that may be occurring with someone we love (i.e, our parents or children, etc.).  It’s a natural response….we show up for those we love….right?  Unfortunately, for children living in blended families, the issue of loyalty is a very difficult one.  Even more unfortunate is when parents and even some stepparents try to shape their children’s loyalties toward the other parent.   Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a child will face in their lives — often equated to a death.  It often has the ability to shape how they view their future adult lives if they are not given the right tools to use in order to trudge through same.  They have to learn to trust all over again.  Yes, parents, when we divorce, our children lose trust in us.  They feel betrayed by the two people they look to for their security and for their sense of self.  It is painful to feel betrayed and to feel as if you are betraying your children. 

When I meet with newly formed stepfamilies, one of the main issues I see is that step and bio parents tend to fall into the trap of trying to shape their children’s loyalties.  Most of the time, this happens when one parent remarries and the bio parent begins to get insecure.  Of course, becoming insecure about our relationships with our children are perfectly normal, we all have insecurities from time to time, but how we deal with these insecurities is what is crucial.  It is also very common for these same insecurities to creep up in our children manifesting themselves against their stepparents or new significant other in their parents’ lives.  Children often feel that if they are “perceived” as loving their stepparent, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.  Unfortunately, too many times, I have personally seen bio parents that reinforce this idea instead of debunking it for the sake of their children’s emotional and mental health.  They would rather, actually rather, see their children go through drama and chaos only to disrupt the lives of their exes.  It’s a shame on so many different levels.  Instead of being committed to having a healthy divorce for their children, they decide to create an “us” against “them” attitude and coerse their children to have hatred for their stepparent and sometimes even for their biological parent as well.  Unfortunately, what these parents don’t realize during all of this is that they are actually sabotaging their own childrens’ trust in them.  Children eventually mature and grow and they figure things out for themselves.  They figure out our insecurities.  They get it.

Thankfully, there are some steps that you can take in order to wade your way through these trying times:

• Your child needs clear rules, boundaries and structure.  Remain committed to your household rules. 
• Do not side with your children against a stepparent.  Talk with your ex spouse about issues that arise and handle them from there. 
• Do not put your children in the middle of your battles.  This goes for with your ex spouse or with your new spouse.  Children do not need to be privy to every issue you and your (ex)spouse are dealing with.
• Encourage the relationship your child has with his/her other parent.
• Do not use your child as a messenger between his/her parents.
• Don’t ask your children to “keep secrets” from the other parent.
• Don’t question your children about their visitation.
• If it is feasible, have the parents and stepparents sit down and discuss expectations surrounding rules and parenting roles, etc.  Obviously, this is not going to work for every stepfamily, but if it is feasible, it can help children to know that they will be supported by all parents and will also stand together as a united front. 

TMF Readers, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but this subject begs the reminder that your children are a part of both of you and your ex spouse.  When children feel as if they are put in the middle and have to choose between their parents, they feel insecure, guilty, pressured and ultimately rejected.  Those feelings manifest themselves in all kinds of ways which can cause not just drama in your home, but in their lives which leave scars that sometimes take years to heal.   Managing these issues as effectively as you can will help you to alleviate stress and will also allow the stepparent to be another caring adult in your children’s lives to become more trusted, involved and connected.  By leading the example, not only will your child gain more trust for you as his/her parent the lesson they learn thereby will enhance their life experience and allow them to flourish.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Drama Free Date Night

It is no surprise that with all the stress of family life, we as couples don’t take enough time out to nuture our marriages and relationships.  In order to grow together as a couple, we have to be able to enjoy one another’s company and we cannot do that with all the distractions that come along with our day-to-day lives.  Of course, our children are important to us but our marriages have to be more important.  That seems odd to think about for most people, but as husbands and wives, we have to accept that in order to be any good to our children as a couple, our marriages and remarriages have to be the first priority.  These times we share alone together not only allow us to grow, but they allow us to rekindle the reason why we fell in love in the first place.

We cannot let the spark die in our (re)marriages.  There is more to it than just “going out” and having time alone.  It’s about sharing your love and creating understanding and feeling the true companionship between the two of you.  For example, remember when you couldn’t wait for a date night with your mate before you got married?  Well, unfortunatley, when we get married, at times we fall into the trap of thinking that all of that has to end because we have a ring on our finger and a piece of paper confirming our status.  Having anticipation for one another doesn’t have to be lost in married life.  If money is an issue, even on a limited budget, you can have a fabulous drama-free date night with your spouse.  The lesson here is that as (re)married couples, we need to continue to courting one another as we did in the beginning in order to seize our marriages and make them all the more fulfilling.

Here are a few ideas to help you along the way:

1. No kids allowed!  No excuses.  Make an arrangement with a babysitter, and older sibling, a friend or a grandparent.
2. Catch a  movie or a matinee together. 
3. Go shopping together!  Your lady will love this one!
4. Get away for a  night to a hotel just the two of you. 
5. Set a dinner date night twice a month.  (This can be either at home — after the kids go to bed or out to a restaurant – which would be my preference.

If you are financially strained, here are a few fun options:

1. Have a date night at home.  Try to arrange the kids to be elsewhere and order pizza and a movie and have at it!
2. Go for a drive.  My husband and I do this all the time. This may not seem like a date, but being this is semi-free (with the exception of gas), you may be able to splurge for a cheap hotel room for a few hours!  Who says married couples can’t be a bit naughty from time to time.
3. Begin a project together.  This is another great one that I love.  Say you have been talking about painting that room for a year.  Well, get rid of the kiddos for the evening, buy that gallon of paint and the two of you get at it.  It’s not just something you can make romantic, but it is also improving on something the two of you share, your home.
4. Cook together.  Decide upon what your menu should be and cook together.  Nothing is more romantic to me than sharing the kitchen and having your husband nuzzle up to your neck while you are both “trying” to concentrate on the menu at hand.
5. Read a book together, look at old photos, etc.  You can even watch your favorite television programs together or play a board game after the children go to sleep.
6. Wash the car.  This is very romantic if you make it that way!  Fun fun!
7. Take a long walk together as often as you can.
8. Put the music on and dance, dance, dance! 
9. Go to an old fashioned drive-in movie. 
10. Plan out your goals together. 

Remember, having a drama free date night is your way of keeping your romance and marriage alive.  Don’t be afraid to show your passion for one another.  It doesn’t take a lot of money, just a commitment to one another.  This commitment is what your children see and learn from.  It is what teaches them what to expect from a healthy marriage.   Reach back to when you first began together, a whole lot of money wasn’t needed to have a fun, romantic and special time together.  As Keith Sweat so eloquently sang…”Make it Last Forever!”

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Listening is an Act of Love

Every marriage and remarriage suffers and struggles to find and learn how to communicate effectively.  Most of us hear our spouses but the question that begs a true answer is this….”Do we truly listen to our spouse?”  Are we really, truly listening to them?  Honestly, every couple that I have ever met with struggles in this area.  We all do.  The reason behind this failure is because we are all a work in progress.  Our marriages and remarriages are constantly evolving and changing.  It’s hard to be on our toes at all times but did you know that listening to our spouses is really one of the most important acts of love?

Sharing what is in our hearts with our spouses is so important.  It’s extra easy to share all of our day-to-day frustrations and what is on the top of our minds, but truly sitting down and sharing what is important to us as spouses seems to be something that we don’t do enough as life partners.  For example, one of the biggest issues I see with couples I meet with is that when they are communicating, one partner might reject the “feelings” of their spouse instead of truly listening and hearing them out.  When this occurs, what your spouse takes from this is that you are basically rejecting them and judging them based on their “feelings.”  Feelings in communication are neither right or wrong.  What you do with your feelings is what creates those right or wrong situations.  There are many advantages to mastering the art of listening in your relationship.  Here are a few advantages:

• You will achieve a deeper intimacy with your spouse;
• You will learn the difference between thoughts and emotions and how to respectively deal with both;
• You will learn to accept that feelings come and go and change quickly;
• You will learn not to make decisions based on feelings;
• You gain trust , acceptance, honesty and acceptance from your partner.

Finding the right words is also a very important tool to have in your communication toolbox.  Use words to describe your feelings so that you don’t leave your partner guessing what you are going through.  For example:

• Abandoned, accepted, alive, aone, aloof, appreciative, attacked, bad, belittled, bitter, closed,  cheated, cheerful, concerned, contempt, controlled, deceived, defensive, doubtful….etc.

While giving you the right words to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the words not to say.  Here are a few examples:

• WHATEVER.  This is the worst word you can use to effectuate communication.  What you are saying to your spouse when you use the word “whatever” is that you don’t care at all what your spouse is saying.  Essentially, you are saying “you are not important enough to me for me to listen to you.”
• I DON’T CARE.  This is self-explanatory and just plain rude.  And, if you truly feel this way, you shouldn’t be married or in a relationship where you are required to have communication.
• DUMB.  Using the word “dumb” is awful.  Basically, you are negating everything your partner is saying by using such a degenerative word.

Talking about your feelings to your partner will improve your overall communication by leaps and bounds.  Marriage is not a guessing game.  Finding the right words and using as many of them as possible to paint a picture for your spouse allows them to see things more clearly and to understand with more clarity exactly how you are feeling.  Remember, the purpose of exploring your partners feelings is to help you to better understand him/her, not to change how they feel.  Accepting how they feel, agreeing to disagree instead of manipulating them to feel as you do only strengthens what you are building.  Listening to one another intently builds trust and longevity.  It is extremely important to remember that in good marriages, both partners continually negotiate and re-negotiate.  Truly listening helps you to accept your partner for who they are and helps you to identify when you need to get on the path of renegotiation.  It helps you to appreciate the person you fell in love with and is a true act of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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