10 Things Stepmoms Refuse to Feel Guilty About

March 5, 2013 By Leave a Comment

womenlaughI ran across this article about a month ago on Babble about things women refuse to feel guilty about as moms. As a mom of a 16 year old and almost 3 year old, I can relate to some of them. For example, when my oldest was in elementary I was not the crafty mom who made his Halloween costumes or baked  heart shaped cookies for his entire class during Valentine’s Day and will likely not do it for my youngest when he gets to school either. And yes, sometimes when I just need a break because I work from home and manage my 3 year old simultaneously, I use Backyardigans to entertain him while I catch my breath. And no, I don’t feel the least bit guilty for any of it. I wasn’t surprised to hear that I wasn’t alone either after reading this article on Babble.

Another thing that doesn’t surprise me is the lack of the same type of empathy that people have when it comes to stepmoms. It is common, accepted and supported for women to rave about what they refuse to feel guilty about as a mom. But it is seen as evil if it comes from a stepmom. Well, the only way to change those stereotypes is to discuss them so here it goes. Just like there are things I refuse to feel guilty about as a mom, there are things I refuse to feel guilty about as a stepmom. For example, I refuse to feel guilty for not being friends with my husband’s ex-wife. There is way too much combative, negative history between her and my husband. I will always be cordial but I have no desire to be best friends and that’s perfectly ok. I also refuse to feel guilty about making my marriage a priority instead of trying to help my husband fix a broken relationship (between him and his ex-wife) that I didn’t break to begin with.

I was happy to hear that other stepmoms weren’t afraid to speak up about what they refuse to feel guilty about, too.We asked some of our stepmom friends what they refuse to feel guilty about and compiled the top 10 list below.

womanlaygrass

  1. I use to feel so guilty if the step kids werent with us and we did fun things with my kids. I finally realized that their mom does fun things with the step kids and my children aren’t involved in that so why should I feel guilty for doing for my own?
  2. Asking for “me” time. Sometimes I just want to enjoy my days off instead of babysitting.
  3. Loving my stepdaugther as my own daughter.
  4. Putting my son with disabilities first,  no matter what.
  5. Not being peacemaker between my husband and his ex-wife. I’d prefer to support my husband but otherwise, stay out of it.
  6. Stepping back.
  7. For making mistakes along the way.
  8. For being a caregiver and role model to my step children, but leaving the responsibility of how they turn out and their personality flaws to their mom and dad.
  9. Not paying for things for my step children when I don’t want to. They have two parents for that.
  10. For supporting my husband 100% when it comes to disciplining my step children.

Moms or Stepmoms, what are some of the things that you refuse to feel guilty about?

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Love Is Not a Ball and Chain

February 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

These days, why are we so bound by what society expects a traditional marriage to be?  Why do we get so consumed by the “fairytale” that is spun on by the media and television that we think it’s unnatural to want our own individuality outside of our relationship? Then, when we naturally vary from the traditional path, we are viewed as “selfish and not caring.” Unfortunately, more often than not, we allow that pressure to affect good qualities we share with one another.

For example, let’s just say that you and your spouse like to take a separate trip every now and again with a good girlfriend and your husband has no problem with it.  However, you might have a couple girlfriends who think that is absolutely insane and they let you know it. They would never let their husbands go on a “guys-only” trip without them so why should they?  Or, you parents might think that this type of agreement is only setting your marriage up for trouble.  Phooey!  TMF Readers, love is not a ball and chain.  Because we have a marriage certificate in our hands doesn’t mean that our marriage defines our whole existence as an individual.  Yes, we are spouses but we are also parents, friends, daughters and sons, siblings and most importantly individuals.  Now, I am not suggesting by any means that we put our marriages on the back-burner for any of the above, it must be our most important relationship, but we can still find the balance between being an individual and being married.  Suffocating our marriages is just as unhealthy as not prioritizing it.  Never allowing your spouse a little freedom to explore their individuality can stifle your relationship in more ways than one.  Remember the old saying…”absence makes the heart grow fonder?”  Totally true. 

“It’s not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that usually ends up making your marriage feel like you are carrying a ball and chain.”

You might ask what is the key to understanding that it’s okay to have individuality in your marriage?  The answer is simple.  Friendship and trust.  When you have an undivided trusting friendship with your spouse, you are unconditionally open to accepting him or her, their ideas, their dreams and yes, even their need for space at times whether that space be emotional, working, creative, fun, etc. That space could be just as simple as an every day walk alone or going to the gym.  Just simple “me” time.  Let’s be real here, all people yearn for time for themselves.  It’s just reality.  More than likely, you and your spouse encouraged this before marriage, but after marriage all that same reasoning goes out the door with the trash!  More often than not, we each still possess all of the qualities we always had, we have just chosen to view it differently because we have the title of wife or husband.  If your spouse was a free-spirit before you married him or her, why would you want them to be someone new to you after marriage?  Part of the challenge is that we must constantly take ourselves back to that state of “When Harry Met Sally” and remember why we fell in love.  We have to refocus on the fact that if we cannot change our spouse’s basic character.  Why would we want to?  It’s what makes them who they are.  It’s what attracted you to them in the beginning.  It’s what makes you want to love them even more.  Listen, accepting and encouraging your own individuality in your marriage is perfectly normal and okay.  It doesn’t diminish your love and asking for a little space every now and then doesn’t mean you are not committed to your spouse and to your relationship.

Benefits to having space:

  • Time for reconnection and self-reflection.
  • Time to clear your thoughts and hear yourself think.
  • Time to energize your inner batteries.
  • Time to truly appreciate and “miss” your spouse.

TMF Readers, don’t stunt your relationship growth based on another person’s belief system.  Just like your marriage needs alone time, without the children, at times, your marriage also needs individuality.  It’s that separate individuality that brings your marriage full-circle.  Accepting, wanting and, yes, even needing space from your marriage is okay and it doesn’t mean that it is drowning.  Don’t wait on expressing your individuality until it’s too late and you get stuck dragging that ball and chain.  Communicating with your life partner and being honest goes a long way and will only bring the two of you closer together and make your bond stronger.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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The Stepfamily Challenge by Gloria Lintermans

October 25, 2012 By

As most of you probably know, Gloria Lintermans is not just a popular syndicated columnist but a fabulous author and freelance writer.  Through my work, I have been lucky enough to come in contact with and learn from Gloria.  Therefore, I am sure you can understand how excited I was when I was afforded the opportunity to post the following article here on Today’s Modern Family.  I jumped at the chance.  Gloria is not only a guru in the realm of stepfamily education, she is one of my idols!  Anytime I have the opportunity to be educated through her writing, I indulge and I encourage you to do the same.  Enjoy!

THE STEPFAMILY CHALLENGE

As a step and biological Mom, and the author of a book on stepfamilies which included not only my own experience but research with stepfamily authorities and other stepfamilies, I am aware, all to often, of the high rate of divorce among these families.

One reason is that there are no understood guidelines for these families. Society tends to apply the rules of first marriages, while ignoring the complexities of stepfamilies.

A little clarification: In a stepfamily the child(ren) is of one co-parent; in a blended family, there are children from both co-parents; and, virtually all family members have recently experienced a primary relationship loss.

The Landmines

Three potential problem areas are: Financial burdens, Role ambiguity, and the Children’s Negative Feelings when they don’t want the new family to “work.”

Husbands sometimes feel caught between the often impossible demands of their former family and their present one. Some second wives also feel resentful about the amount of income that goes to the husband’s first wife and family.

Legally, the stepparent has no prescribed rights or duties, which may result in tension, compromise, and role ambiguity.

Another complication of role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other.

In reality, this is often just not the case.

The third reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that a child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility, since children commonly harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.

Stepmother Anxiety

Clinicians say that the role of stepmother is more difficult than that of stepfather, because stepmother families may more often be born of difficult custody battles and/or particularly troubled family relations. Society is also contradictory in expecting loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtimestories we are all familiar with).

Stepfather Anxiety

Men who marry women with children come to their new responsibilities with a mixed bag of emotions, far different from those that make a man assume responsibility for his biological children. A new husband might react to an “instant” family with feelings which range from admiration to fright to contempt.

The hidden agenda is one of the first difficulties a stepfather runs into: The mother or her children, or both, may have expectations about what he will do, but may not give him a clear picture of what those expectations are. The husband may also have a hidden agenda.

A part of the stepchildren’s hidden agenda is the extent to which they will let the husband play father.

The key is for everyone to work together.

The husband, wife, their stepchildren, and their non-custodial biological parent can all negotiate new ways of doing things by taking to heart and incorporating the information you are about to learn—the most positive alternative for everyone.

One Day at a Time

Now you have a pretty good feel for what everyone is going through. How do you start to make it better — a process that can take years? First you must be very clear about what you want and expect from this marriage and the individuals involved, including yourself. What are you willing to do? In a loving and positive way, now is the time to articulate, negotiate, and come to an agreement on your expectations and about how you and your partner will behave.

The best marriages are flexible marriages, but how can you be flexible if you do not know what everyone needs right now. And, this may change over time, so there must be room for that to happen as well.

In flexible marriages partners are freer to reveal the parts of their changing selves that no longer fit into their old established patterns. You couldn’t possibly have known at the beginning of your new family what you know now and will learn later.

Spouses may feel the “conflict taboo” even more than in a first marriage. It is understandable that you want to make this marriage work. You might feel too “battle-scarred” to open “a can of worms.” And so, you gloss over differences that need airing and resolution—differences over which you may not have hesitated to wage war in your first marriage. Avoiding airing your differences is a serious mistake. It is important for you to understand your own and your partner’s needs because society hasn’t a clue how stepfamilies should work. Unless you talk about your expectations, they are likely to be unrealistic.

Living Well

Since roughly one third of stepfamilies do survive—even thrive—we know that stepfamilies can grow the safety, support, and comfort that only healthy families provide. Consider the following for living your step/blended family life well:

You must assess, as a couple, how well you accept and resolve conflicts with each other and key others. Learn and steadily work to develop verbal skills: listen with empathy, effectively show your needs, and problem-solve together. The emotional highs of new love can disguise deep disagreement on parenting, money, family priorities, and home management, i.e., values that will surface after the wedding.

Together, accept your prospective identity as a normal, unique, multi-home stepfamily. You need to admit and resolve strong disagreements, well enough for positive results.

You must balance and co-manage all of these tasks well enough on a daily basis to: build a solid, high-priority marriage; enjoy your kids; and, to keep growing emotionally and spiritually as individual people.

Know and take comfort in the fact that confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and often (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.

Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect.

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Merging Values for Successful Stepparenting

October 15, 2012 By

It is well known that while living in a stepfamily, you will experience unique challenges.  Expecting that your blended family will work like a biological/first family is like navigating a canoe during a hurricane.  With that being said, most stepparents get so caught up in the problems they are experiencing that they fail to seek out resolutions.  In turn, this causes the stepparent to feel as if they have failed which often sends them into feeling hopeless, and even worse, depression.

Failed expectations can make merging values non-existent.  One of the first mistakes we make as spouses in a remarriage is that we go into our marriage trying to fix mistakes made in our prior marriage sometimes even hoping that we will find all of the answers so that we don’t fall trap to them the second time around.  This expectation is the first step in a slew of unrealistic expectations that play a role in the 75% divorce rate in remarriages.

In my opinion, one of the most important lessons we have to learn before we go into a remarriage is that we have to “work on ourselves” first.  We have to care about our own hearts.  For example, speaking from the stepmother’s perspective, we tend to put too much stock into how much our stepchildren love or care about us.  That particular expectation is usually set from the beginning by us and by our spouses.  However, when you put it all in perspective, how can you truly open up and and let your love flow for others if you are constantly worrying about what you aren’t doing right.  We have to work on ourselves ahead of merging values with someone else.  Maintaining your boundaries and living in a better version of yourself will allow you to understand that “love” is not a requirement.  If “love” is going to form, it rarely forms in the beginning.  Love is built. 

How do you maintain healthy expectations when merging values you might ask?  Begin with the following:

  • Your stepfamily did not form on the pages of a pre-written manuscript.  The Brady Bunch was a made for television production. You cannot build your stepfamily around that fantasy.
  • Before you entered into the stepfamily environment, you essentially had been seeing it from an outside position. The waters may be calm at first, but I guarantee you things will never be as perfect as you think they are.  Be open to understanding that you don’t have to impress everyone in order to validate yourself.  That is not your job nor is it healthy for you as a stepparent.
  • Every family, whether bio or step, has some sort of issue. Don’t blame all of your problems on your stepfamily. Evaluate each issue for what it truly is, don’t shove it under the rug, and find the solution. One of the best ways to kill a stepfamily is to expect that if the little problems are ignored and swept under the rug , they will just go away.  NOT!  Rejection, angst, resentment and discord will be your end result if you expect that the little issues will resolve themselves. 
  • As parents of our biological children, it is normal and healthy to have high expectations.  As stepparents, we need to realize that we have to lower our expectations a bit.  That’s a hard pill to swallow at times, but this family was formed, not biologically created.  Your stepchildren may have been raised totally different from the way you and your ex-spouse raised your children.  You and your spouse more than likely came from two different backgrounds and may not have been raised with the same values — it will always be a work in process.  Lower your expectations.

Having shared values is what defines any family, including stepfamilies.  Building and merging values includes stocking up on plenty of communication, respect, love and commitment between the two most important people, the leaders, you and your spouse.  Of course, everyone in the stepfamily has an important role, but as the team captains, you are specifically responsible for maintaining your family unit.  The first way to merge your values is to recognize that your partnership is the most important link.  If there is any form of resistance in your stepfamily, what you and your spouse decide to focus on and to show all of the children in the family about the sturdiness of your marriage is what they will either lean against to conform and merge, or what they will use to try to tear it down during times of weakness.  Remember, all stepfamilies are formed out of some sort of loss and it is usually the children who have suffered the hardest.  Teaching them through the pain is crucial.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

 

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The Art of Compromise

June 26, 2012 By

Is your spouse the kind of person that loves to hear him/herself talk?  Does it always seem like the end to an argument proves to be at your expense because there is never compromise?  I am of the opinion that compromise is the single most important tool that all couples should have in their remarriage toolbox.

Partners in remarriage often struggle in the area of compromise because they are under the false impression going into same that “first comes love – then comes remarriage – then comes happily ever after,” hence they forget that you are not just blending your families, you are merging your values.  It is very hard to merge values without compromise. Think about it, when you blend families, unfair burdens are placed on stepparents and stepkids from the very beginning.  Everyone is expected to get along, birthparents assume you are going to love your stepkids and that your stepkids are going to love you and there you have the first of many misunderstandings wherein you will need to be able to apply your abilities to compromise.

The first step to positive compromise is healthy communication.  Life partners often forget when going through tough times that communication begins and ends with “both” the sender and the receiver.  Just as it takes two to tango in an argument, it takes two to compromise, hear one another and fix it.  When we are not applying compromise to our positions during conversational communication, the receiver never truly understands the message you are trying to send.  Kela and I have said over and over and it is worth repeating now, every human being desires to be heard.  They want to know that their opinion matters.  Emphatic listening to your spouse will take you far in being able to effectively compromise.  Keeping an open mind and being open to hearing their side of the conflict matters greatly.  It is selfish to shut out your spouses thoughts and feelings just because you want to only get your point across.  It never works.

It’s no secret, couples who compromise thrive.  The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve an unbreakable bond and closeness that cannot compare to anything else.  If you desire this type of unbreakable bond, compromise is not just needed, it is essential.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Appreciate that both you and your spouse have been raised differently.  You are not going to always find that you agree on the same things (i.e., parenting styles, finance situations, emotional needs, etc.)
  • Respect each other’s views and opinions.
  • Kick “pride” to the curb!  Marriage is not a contest and compromise should not be looked upon as weakness.  It is actually one of the strongest tools you have in your (re)marriage toolbox.
  • Give and take.  Marriage is not unilateral and does not thrive with only one person doing all of the taking and the other doing all of the giving.  You have to always have your spouses best interests in mind and at heart.
  • Take a keen interest in your spouses feelings.  This will help you when  you have to apply compromise.  Know their values so you can effectively merge yours into his/hers.
  • Be aware and work hard to come to mutual understandings.  By doing this, you are teaching each other to be conscious of what your relationship means to one another.
  • Pay attention to your language and your tone.  I cannot stress enough the importance of “hearing yourself.”  How we say things really matters.  It is tough when you are going through stress to be mindful of this but it really does matter.  Remember, your message never gets across if your approach stinks.
  • Always examine the pros and the cons of the situation before approaching your spouse.  This way, you are not heading into your communication with just negative cards in your pocket.

I will leave you with this one final thought.  In the beginning of every relationship, each person always puts their best foot forward.  Your passionate stage is in full effect and we are always on our best behavior.  We want these feelings to last forever and will do whatever it takes.  A lot of times, after marriage, we tend to forget that the timbers in our fires need to continually be tended to in order to keep the fire burning.  Learning the art of compromise allows this closeness to continue and allows both you and your partner to meet one another’s needs together as a couple.  At the end of the day, it will always return to you balance and joy if you apply it effectively.  Care about your spouses heart and always attempt to apply compromise when faced with tough situations.  It will be well worth your effort.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Noreen Lambert’s Blended Family Kitchen

March 12, 2012 By

As the holidays were upon me last year, I began perusing the internet for some good edible gift ideas and came across my new favorite YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen!  Noreen had me at “hello” when I was able to recreate her fabulous coconut and brownie macaroons and I got rave reviews from my coworkers.  Over time, I found out that Noreen also lives in a blended family.  She, her husband Rick and her two daughters make it work!  I was intrigued by how all members of the family join Noreen in the kitchen, which I also feel is so important in bond building with families.  The kitchen being the center of the family, Noreen has it down pat!  With that, I had to interview Noreen.  TMF Readers, I hope you enjoy my interview with Noreen Lambert as much as I enjoyed chatting with her.  Not only do I now have a new cooking mentor, I’ve made a new friend in the process.

Diane:  Noreen, let me begin by saying that I am so excited to have this conversation with you.  I have been a big fan of your YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen, for some time now and thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

 Noreen:  Oh thank you Diane, I am extremely flattered that you would have me here.

 Diane:  Your YouTube channel is a fabulous outlet for women like me who aren’t experts in the kitchen but love to cook.  What inspired you to cook for an audience?

 Noreen:  I don’t have a great answer to that question, except that I wanted to do it.  I’ve been into making videos for the past 3 years now but before that I was just a viewer.  One night, I thought I would make a dinner.  At first, I wasn’t great at editing, I had to learn the learning curve, actually learned an awful lot.  I wanted people to come into my kitchen and feel like they are sitting at my kitchen table.

 Diane:   Growing up in a blended family and having a blended family currently, what is your perception of how a blended family should operate? 

 Noreen:  I think that I have two different ideas.  My father died when I was 10.  My mom remarried soon thereafter. My stepdad was my father’s very good friend.  However, I was daddy’s little girl, so the loss was very devastating for me.  I will admit, I was not easy to live with and I probably didn’t really accept him as my stepfather.  I didn’t disrespect him but I had a hatred for him until my early 20’s.  My family works because it works for us.  Everyone is different.  When I was growing up we didn’t have “blended family” we were told and were expected to be “just family.” 

Diane:   What do you think caused you to feel hatred?

Noreen:  Because he was replacing my father.  We, my brother and I had always known him as “Uncle Paul” and as soon as my mom and Paul came home from their honeymoon, I was told that  he was no longer to be called “Uncle Paul,” but either “Paul or Daddy.”  A giant paradigm shifted in my life.  If I call him Paul, I will upset my mom and if I call him dad, I am being disloyal to my  deceased father.  That was a lot of pressure.  Of course, every family has issues that have to be dealt with in one way or another, but sometimes its easier to brush them under the rug and hide them which only causes more pain.  I have a brother 5 years younger and he didn’t know we had a blended family because the “step” part of it was all he knew.  I, of course, had a different experience as I knew my father well, I was ten.  I was his little girl.  My brother had horrible guilt that he never knew our father.  As parents we all make mistakes and we can’t fix them but grow through them.  I never got permanent closure from losing my dad.  We just had to grow thru it. 

Diane:  How do you think these experiences have affected your parenting?

Noreen:  As a mother now, I am painfully honest with my children.  When I separated from their father, they were 2 and 4.  18 months later, Rick and I met and we finally married 3 years ago.  Rick has a daughter in Vegas and she dislikes me.  I know what she is going through as I went through the same situation.  She doesn’t accept me in that respect.  She is 14.  I never would have guessed that my stepdad would be a fabulous dad now but I got really lucky.  Every family has their dysfunction.  My kids accept Rick as their dad.    

 Diane:  Do you find that your belief system is a lot different than that of your parents when you were being raised in a stepfamily?  Is there anything you purposely do different?

 Noreen:   Very much so.  I do a lot of things different from my mom.  My mom is very “everything has to be planned.”  That doesn’t work for me.  Growing up, we had a living room that no one sat in, a dining room that no one ate in.  I am totally different.  We have to live for today and I want my kids to grab life by the “balls” and that they should try everything and realize that there is nothing in life that they can’t do whether they live in a blended family or not.   You have to pick your battles.

Diane:  What lessons did you take from your personal childhood experience that you may or may not want to bring into your current experience?

Noreen:  We are a team.   Our family growing up wasn’t a team.  Parents were parents and kids were kids.  In my house we play on the same team. 

Diane:  A lot of times, stepmoms feel the need to overcompensate or to be the “fixer of all things” for their husbands, stepchildren, children, etc.  What advice would you give people who are suffering from what I call “super stepmom syndrome?”

Noreen:  Its funny you should ask this.  I always feel guilty if I don’t make something better.  Being a woman in general we feel obligated that we have to make everyone happy all the time.  Society in general makes us feel this way.  When I am cooking on the videos, I always say “it doesn’t have to be perfect.”  I am by far not perfect but I think that the most important advice I can give is to “forgive yourself.”  Be easy on yourself.  We can only fix what we can fix.  I spent a lot of my life worrying about what I couldn’t fix.  The sun still comes tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.

Diane:  Those statements are extremely powerful and so true.  You speak my language Noreen.   As a stepmom, what do you think is the most important lesson you have learned through this journey?

Noreen:  That you just have to let things be.  She doesn’t have to like me.  It has to be organic.  You cannot put a seed in the ground and do nothing to it and expect it to produce a fruit.  You just can’t.  You have to let it happen naturally.  The bottom line is the seed gives me a guarantee that if I water it and take care of it, it is going to give me something back.  But you have to nurture it and feed it and work at it.  You don’t just have a relationship; you have to work at it.   People automatically think that just because their children, they don’t have to work at it.  They are still people.  Everyone has to work at relationships.  People discount children because they are children.  They have feelings. 

Diane:  You and Rick make a great team on camera as I am sure you do in your married life.  What impact has Rick had on your girls? 

Noreen:   He is very patient and very accepting.  Having been in the military for so long he knows how to delegate.  He never expected anything from them which goes back to that organic relationship.  It has grown from there.  Their relationship was never forced, it always happened on the kids terms and they were able to build trust in him.  How I was raised is “we are going to be a family whether you like it or not.”  That doesn’t work. 

Diane:  One thing I notice about you and Rick is that he is very involved in helping you with your YouTube channel (i.e., filming, commenting and even cooking from time to time).  I think it is wonderful that the two of you exhibit your “love and support” of one another the way you do. You laugh together and you make us laugh.  It’s very important in remarriage and in any relationship to nurture it.  Do you agree?

Noreen:   If I can be humorous,I think the greatest way to learn about how to have a good marriage is to screw one up!  My first marriage didn’t break up just because of my husband, we both played a role.  Nurturing your marriage is the most important lesson I can give people.  The first time around, it was very important for me to be right and for him to be right and now it doesn’t matter who’s right.  Your reward for hard work in your marriage is the reward of your good relationship. 

Diane:  To keep in line with tradition, I ask all of my interviewee’s this question.  What do you do for fun?

Noreen:   Go to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, Virginia.  I also craft.  I love crafting.  Another past time, is that I love to play on the Wii.  I am also a movie and trivia junkie. 

Diane:  Noreen, it has been a real pleasure interviewing you and thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world.  We are doing our best to serve blended families and we love to acknowledge great, successful blended families when we get the chance!  Thank you for stopping by and letting me pick your brain not just on the issue of stepfamilies, but with regard to my favorite pastime – cooking and baking.

Noreen:  You’re so very welcome Diane.  I very much enjoyed our time together and thank you for having me.

 

Noreen Lambert is a wife, mom, stepmom and homemaker who loves to cook.  You can find Noreen’s channel on YouTube with the tag name of atticus9799 and at www.noreenskitchen.com. 

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Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

January 25, 2012 By

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

  1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
  2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
  3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

  1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
  2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
  3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
  4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
  5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
  6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
  7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
  8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
  9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
  10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Happy New Year – 2012!

December 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

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Personal Reflections for a Joyful Mind

November 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

With the holidays fast approaching, I, like many of you readers, end up doing a lot of self-reflection of not just the past year that flew by, but about what I want to do differently next year, what I want to change about myself and remembering those special people that have gone from us too soon.

As I have stated many times, by the time I was 31, I was widowed with 3 children.  I had lost my husband, older brother and grandfather all within a two year period.  Of course, that was over 12 years ago now, but in my reflections, I have come realize how far I have actually come in my life since that stressful time.  I am writing this post with The Joyful Mind Project on my heart with hopes to maybe spark some of you readers who may also be reflecting in your own way.  Maybe you suffer from anxiety as I did after my experiences, maybe you suffer from depression or maybe you just are overworked and overwhelmed and you feel like your world is crashing around you.  In my experience, getting through and getting to the point of reflection came first by way of acceptance.  Just plain and simply accepting life as it is.  Going thru this process can be nothing less than devastating but it is reality.

Accepting life right where you are, all of the bad, the ugly and the good is essential.  It’s really about deciding to “surrender” what you “think” your life is or should be at that moment and choosing to accept and change.  It has been written that…..”Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”   The way we cope.  What a powerful statement.  Of course, the way we each individually cope is always going to be different, but for me, it took a good long time.  I had a catch phrase that I told myself often and it was this…”If you can cope, you have hope.”  Cliche, I know but it worked for me.

Once you begin to accept that you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment, your whole perspective will begin to change.  You will decide at that moment to devise a different relationship with the problem at hand.  I tell my coaching clients all of the time that if they focus only on what is wrong with their blended family then that will be their reality because at that point, they aren’t “choosing” to fix the problem.  Their words have not become impeccable.  They haven’t gotten to acceptance yet.  Accept there is a problem, get help and do your best to fix it.  See the problem differently instead of letting it debilitate you.

TMF Readers, when you are going thru acceptance, remember to not allow your emotions to consume you.  You never have to follow or obey your emotions.  You can choose to manage them.  Don’t give all of your power away to your emotions because it is then that they can take over your life.

It is very empowering to accept that where you are right now doesn’t have to be your whole life.  Your perspective can change as long as you don’t allow yourself to continually focus on the “wrong” and focus on what you can change to make it “right.”  Choice is a powerful tool.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Terrible Couple — Amazing Co-Parents?

October 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

We all know the statistics.  Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of all remarriages do the same.  We all assume our marriages start off on the right foot then over time, for whatever reason, the issues consume us and eventually sink our marriages.  Further, most couples end up in divorce court because they wait until it is too late to get the help they need in order to save it.  The feelings of resentment creep in and the couple becomes detached from one another. Unfortunately, during this time, the silent partners in the relationship, the children, suffer the most.  With that being said, there still is hope.  I know many divorced couples that are able to put their pe rsonal feelings and resentments aside for the betterment of their children and have become amazing co-parents.

When talking to my clients who are experiencing co-parent issues, the first piece of advice I like to give them is that they need to look at their situation through the eyes and perspective of their children.  Children look to their parents for their stability and support both physically and emotionally.  If you two are a mess, they will be more than a mess.  You can be great co-parents as long as you develop a good business relationship aside from your divorce.  That seems odd for most people to hear.  A business relationship?  Yes, raising healthy and stable children is meticulous.  Remember, your past marriage and your current parenting take different skill sets.  Therefore, after divorce, your feelings about your marriage need to be put aside.  Like in business, in healthy and effective co-parenting, there has to be strong commitment.  Most of you will say, ”well that’s easy….they’re my children, of course I will be committed.”  Well, I am here to tell you that when divorce is fresh, new and you are still hurting, a lot of times, that commitment to healthy co-parenting is the last thing on some folks’ mind.  I find it amazing that when a couple is married they agree on how they are going to parent their children ”together” but when divorce creeps in, they ultimately decide that must change and their parenting has to become a battle.  Seriously TMF readers, I have seen it on many occasions and most parents are in denial about it.  I’ll give you the following examples of same:

  • Ignoring phone calls or messages when the child is in your custody.
  • Common courtesy calls no longer exist (i.e., when the child is sick in your custody, you don’t inform the other parent).
  • Disparagement of the other parent occurs when the children are present.
  • Notice is not given about parent/teacher conferences or events until the last minute and the other parent is not able to attend or is not notified at all.
  • Use your children to relay messages to the other parent.
  • Discipline that one parent instituted is disregarded when the child is in your possession.

Friends, there is no rule that states that after divorce you can’t get along with your ex spouse, especially in order to co-parent your children.  Being able to co-parent effectively lessens the chance that your children will be caught in the cross-fire because of unresolved issues.  This is where I say your co-parenting relationship has to become a business relationship.  The children you created together deserve to watch you and learn and have stability.  If parents are able to realize that it’s okay to see past their own feelings in order to accomplish this for their children, they will be on their way to becoming amazing co-parents.  Remember, you  both have things to teach your children and you have to “love” your children more than you “hate or dislike” each other during the process.  Here are a few tips to get you on your way:

  • Back one another up on decisions.  If your ex has disciplined your child and your weekend or Spring break has come up, stick with the instituted discipline.  If you falter on this issue, your children will always know they can play two ends to the middle.
  • Major decisions regarding your children should always be made by both parents.
  • Respect, respect, respect.  DEMAND IT for both parents.
  • Communication is critical.
  • Our children’s feelings come first before ours.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.  You and your ex are different.  Neither of you may not always understand the others reasoning for things.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Most of the time, it’s not worth an argument.
  • No parent-playing allowed.  Children are good at getting one parent or the other to “side” with them.  Communication is key with this issue.  Parents have to talk.  All children play their parents from time-to-time and when they are teens, it usually gets worse.  Your children should know that you trust the parenting skills of the other parent at all times.  This alleviates this issue 90% of the time.
  • Keep the grown up issues between the two grown ups.  Speaking in an ill manner in front of your children will only create insecure children.  Don’t disparage.  It’s not worth the damage it causes.  Remember, your children are part of the other parent just as they are a part of you.  When you disparage, they take that as an insult to them, whether they show it or not.  They love both of you.
  • Encourage each other.  Yes, not only is it possible, it is healthy for your children.  When the both of you are trying hard to co-parent effectively, appreciate one anothers efforts.

TMF readers, your children are watching you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Keeping your focus on your children after divorce sometimes means you have to be the bigger person when conflict arises.  By being able to co-parent effectively, you are not just showing your children that their mental, physical and emotional health means the world to you but you are teaching them how to handle conflict themselves which will serve them well in the future.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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