The People Pleaser Part II

TMF writer and stepfamily counselor Diane and I recently had a conversation about people pleasers. It all started with a daily spiritual inspiration which Diane sends me every morning.  Two important lines in this daily inspiration read as follows:

“Be aware and watch for the enemy’s devices that will saddle you with imposition as he pressures you to act out of a sense of obligation instead of being moved by My Spirit. Obligation has its roots in a spirit of fear. The fear of rejection results in being a people-pleaser.”

The corresponding biblical verse was 1 Thessalonians 2:4 But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.

Diane talked about her personal and general experience with people pleasing in her post, but I want to get more specific and delve into how it affects the stepfamily. Unfortunately, if the stepfamily is not handled properly; meaning every member of the stepfamily is not responsible and mindful of their own actions and emotions and how they affect the other members of the stepfamily, it can perpetuate a few forms of the “people pleaser.” Let’s go over them below.

The People Pleasing Remarried Dad

The people pleasing dad is created because he beats his head against the wall trying to keep his ex-wife happy so she won’t prevent him or make it extremely difficult for him to see his kids; keep his wife from getting upset because he works overtime to be overly accommodating to his ex-wife and alter his children’s reality so they won’t be too upset over the divorce. The people pleasing dad doesn’t want to be rejected by his wife, his kids or his ex-wife and instead makes decisions that are based on that fear of rejection instead of based on doing what’s right for everyone, including himself.

The People Pleasing Stepmom

The people pleasing stepmom faces many of the same challenges as the people pleasing remarried dad. She works hard to make sure she doesn’t upset the ex-wife because she might keep the kids away from her husband; she doesn’t want to upset her husband because she understands his difficult position and she wants his kids to like her. All of it leads to life of saying yes all the time, bending over backwards to make sure everyone’s happy and often times putting herself dead last. She’s afraid to speak up for herself and set boundaries out of fear of being rejected by her husband, his kids and the ex-wife. She also makes decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including herself. Society also places her in a difficult position because if she does speak up, set boundaries, demand some “me time,” she is demonized and labeled as wicked, instead of just another overwhelmed mom who is tired of bending over backwards for everyone in her family. The people pleasing stepmom is most devalued and most misunderstood stepfamily member of them all and she receives the least amount of understanding from her husband, the ex-wife, the kids AND society!

The People Pleasing Kids

Like Diane mentioned in her article, the people pleasing kids are often created when divorced parents choose not to co-parent effectively. When divorced parents put their children in the middle of their divorce by bad mouthing the other parent, sending messages to the other parent through them and overall using their children as a liaison between them, children often feel as if they have to over please their parents in order to make them happy. When you see your parents fight and argue all the time, seemingly over you, you tend to over please when you’re with your parents individually. By that same token, statistics, research and studies have also proven that altering their reality also creates the people pleasing kid. When divorced parents work too hard to make it seem like nothing has changed when everything has changed, children tend to work overtime to please their parents. They feel as if they could please the parents enough, then they will both be happy enough to get back together again. This form of pleasing is meant to show them that, “See, this could work and we could all be a family again. After all, we do have fun when we’re all together.”

It’s important for divorced parents to know that often times, either extreme isn’t good for the child. You have to model a healthy balance and acceptance of change (because things do change with divorce) and prepare your kids accordingly.

The Non Pleasing Ex-Wife

The heading was not meant to bash ex-wives. I only write and speak from either personal experience or solid research, and according to research, often times the most intrusive and least flexible member of the stepfamily is the ex-wife, not the ex-spouse, but the ex-wife. She feels a huge sense of entitlement because she is the mother of the children in the stepfamily, often causing the people pleasing dad and stepmom to walk on eggshells around her.  Although she is rarely in the position of having to please everyone, she does have a difficult job in aiding her children in the transitional period of divorce. She has the power to influence her children by either encouraging or discouraging the relationship with their paternal family and stepmom. She has the power to encourage her children to embrace this change or hold on to the past. Additionally, she has to filter through her own emotions while helping her children as she is often times the custodial parent and therefore the children are with her most of the time. Simply put, the divorced dad often times gets a chance to breathe after the divorce. It’s easier for him to embrace the change much sooner than the ex-wife because he gets a chance to grieve and get used to the idea, but the ex-wife must keep going. She must help her children adjust while sometimes pushing her own feelings aside to focus on them. She reacts out of a fear of change because she barely has time to wrap her head around the idea. This causes her to make decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including her. That being said, as a society, we understand and sympathize with the ex-wife more than anyone else in the stepfamily and give her the benefit of the doubt way more than we should. The adjustment period for the ex-wife should not last several years. You can’t expect everyone to be understanding and sympathetic to your plight for that long.

As I stated earlier the root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. It’s important to realize that you cannot allow someone else’s negative thoughts or issues to govern how you feel about yourself or how you make decisions. Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of life and part of setting boundaries is learning to say NO! Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing because as Diane mentioned in her article, you can’t effectively do your job as a parent or step-parent, in your career or even as a friend, if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

Reader’s Question for the Advisory Board

BFSO is consulting the Advisory Board once again. This time we need to help a reader figure out what she should do. Below is her scenario and my response. We know the best advice comes from those who are living or have lived it. Please respond with open minds and sincere hearts.
Reader’s Question:

I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.

My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.

I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).

Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?

What’s your thought?

My Response:

Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.

I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?

All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.

Here are a couple of options to consider:

1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.

2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.

I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*