How to Encourage Positive Projections in Your Marriage

Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who constantly refers to his/her marriage in a negative manner?  I have such a co-worker.  Every day there is a new complaint:  he’s gained too much weight; he doesn’t satisfy her anymore; he never finishes a home project; he snores too loudly; he doesn’t support her visions….the list goes on and on.  Well, this behavior got me to thinking about the difference between reflecting  positive projections in our marriages versus the negative and how destructive reflecting such negative projections can be to our relationships and our view of  our spouses.

There are many ways that we can incorporate positivity into our daily lives so that we do less negative projecting in our marriages and allow our positive thoughts, attitudes and perceptions to make our bonds stronger.

For example:

• When you both have legitimate concerns, realize that your spouse’s concern deserves to be addressed, not just your own.
• Reframe the behaviors that bother you the most about your spouse.  For example, if you feel your spouse is having difficulty satisfying your needs, talk to him/her about your feelings and offer to teach them about what you desire.  Taking the extra step to come out of your comfort zone to make an effort to reframe your behavior will work wonders and filter over to your spouse.  Instead of criticizing your spouse about his/her sexual issues with your co-workers, be honest with your partner.  Honesty is always the best policy.  Be proactive about helping him/her to change this factor.  By doing this, you have proactively taken the negative out of the situation and made it a positive.
• Make an effort to understand each others’ intent regarding your respective behaviors.  9 times out of 10, your separate understandings will be totally different.  Give one another the benefit of the doubt.  Listen to each others’ explanations without interrupting.   You might find that your spouse’s concern may be something important that you need to deal with together.
• Refrain from speaking negatively about your spouse in the presence of others.  The old saying goes..”be careful what you ask for…you might just get it.”  Well, if you do not make a habit of claiming negativity in your marriage, you will be more prone to claiming and receiving positivity in your marriage.

By utilizing some of the above tips, you will be able to be more objective when dealing with negative issues and able to bring in more positivity into your relationship.

Remember, when we married our spouses, we didn’t just commit to them in happy times, but also in stressful times.  Accepting each others’ neuroses is a part of a having a happy, healthy, positive  marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

My Way Or The Highway

Have you ever thought that everything would be great in your relationship if your spouse or significant other changed to comply with everything you think is right?  I can admit that in one of my past lives, I have been guilty of doing so.  Instead of validating your spouse’s perspective on a situation, you make it impossible to negotiate and refuse to stand together to find an amicable solution to whatever issue the two of you are experiencing.  Ironically, you attribute your meeting him/her in the middle as weakness and instead of feeling like partners, you feel like opponents.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Every relationship has its share of stresses and each person, at times, whether they admit it or not, has times when their disagreements get the best of them and inadvertently allows that argument to redefine them and their commitment.  When disagreements get  bad, each person digs in and makes little effort to work around the problem at hand.  What they are essentially saying is “it’s my way or the highway.”

In partnership there are always going to be hard times and unexpected problems that occur.  It’s important to remember through every unexpected cloud there is a silver lining.  You don’t have to fool yourself into thinking that it has to be one way or the other in order to be happy.  It is also important to understand that although disagreements aren’t comfortable to go through, they add character to our relationships.

Here are a few tips to help you avoid the ”my way or the highway” attitude:

• Think objectively when communicating with your spouse, especially during disagreements.
• Your perspective is based on your individual experience but that does not make it right in a relationship.  Take the creative leap to empathize with your spouse, see his/her point of view and perspective and do not make them feel invalidated.
• Appreciate your differences.
• When going through differences, don’t fill in the blanks about what the other person is thinking or trying to say.  By doing so, we take the quality we experience and attribute it to the other person.  That quality doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to your relationship.

Lastly, any solution we find to our disagreements has to come from a “WE” point of view.  For example, when disagreeing, begin with “Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing.  What can we do to help us stop.”

These are just a few ways to explore avoiding ultimatum language like the title of this post describes.   Having the ability to appreciate your partner’s point of view does not invalidate your own. Being able to appreciate each others’ differences is a value that all relationships should strive to achieve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How to Have Healthy Arguments in Your Marriage

It has been proven time and time again that no real relationship or marriage exists without healthy argument and disagreements.  All humans are different and have different opinions and views and this certainly applies in today’s modern families.  Marriages are not exempt.  Differences, although can be looked at from a negative point of view, are actually healthy and build character in your marriage.  Of course, as long as these differences/disagreements are not something that cause irreversible harm and/or discord.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think by ignoring their problems or brushing them under the rug, that time or the absence of discussion about them will keep them from resurfacing.  However, the exact opposite is true.  Silencing yourself, pushing your feelings and problems under the rug will only enhance them.  It will not only be the cause of their resurfacing, but the cause of them exploding into something much worse!

When issues arise, being objective is key to overcoming problems.  In my work, it is often easy for me to listen to a couple and pretty much immediately point out exactly what is going on between them and whether or not it is something they are going to be able to work out.   At times, to them, it seems that I can even understand their relationship better than they can.   How…you might ask?  Simply, my point of view of their relationship is objective and not personal as it is with them.   As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.“  The key word being “objective.”

In every relationship, each person not only deserves to have their point of view validated when issues arise but also they deserve to know that their opinions matter to their spouse.   For example, you and your spouse are in an argument because your husband comes home, immediately gets his newspaper and beer and for the next hour ignores everyone and everything around him. He even gets upset when you interrupt him because you have supper on the table.  When communicating your feelings, you might begin with “I understand that reading is very relaxing for you but we haven’t seen one another all day and when we don’t eat together, I feel disconnected from you,”  instead of immediately going for the jugular with “You grabbing the paper and ignoring me is pissing me off.”   Being a little empathetic to your spouse’s reason for his/her behavior goes a long way.

A great tool in communication is empathy.  Try walking in your partners shoes (or thinking about it that way) when a situation arises.  Separating yourself and your marriage from the problem at hand is a good start.  When things are stalled, ask your partner “What can WE do to change this?“  Think of ways around what you are arguing about and sometimes, just simply agreeing to disagree on an issue is enough.  This simple step can be applied in your blended family environment as well.

Another great tool to use is to adopt a bit of flexibility when you are having disagreements, especially if you have been known to be on the stubborn side at times.  When you are willing to give a little bit and take a little bit, you will find that your spouse will be inclined to do the same.

Learning the art of being objective, flexible, empathetic and respectful with your spouse are valuable lessons in creating productive communication through disagreement, and of which will carry the two of you for a lifetime.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

10 Tips to Succeed at Second Chance Marriages as well as First

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!  This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you.   Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families.  Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories.  I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together.  The contents are priceless.  As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride.  Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage.  These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.

1. Continue what you’ve started. When you decide to take a vacation, you plan your trip in a detailed fashion.  You have a vision of all the sites you’d like to see, and of all the things you’d like to do.  So, plan the type of relationship you want to have!  Do now what it takes to have what you want in your marriage now and later — success and longevity.  Plant the seeds.  Cultivate them.  Many people forget that they have a voice and a choice in everything that they do!  That means that you can choose to have a successful marriage and write your own blueprint for it.  Then follow it, live it, for real.  For example, generally speaking, a man appreciates when his wife continues to be the woman he married.  His love stretches far and wide into eternity, when she continues to display all of the loving qualities that captured his heart, mind and soul.  A woman, likewise, appreciates it, when her husband consistently continues to do the loving things he did to win over her affections.  This helps her to continue to see him in a way that allows her to keep respecting and honoring him.  So if what you have to work with works for you, keeping working it!  Continue what you start.  It is imperative that you do not get so comfortable with one another that you begin to forget to honor one another, to consider the other’s feelings and concerns, to grow in your professions, spirituality, and in love.  Learn one another.  Know one another better than anyone else does.  Love one another in a way that no one but God can love you more.  Because in the end, people and things, including your children, will all be gone one day, and all you’ll have is each other until the end.

2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God.  Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order.  When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, becoming one in your core beliefs and value systems, you become a united front.  You are one machine whose variable parts work in concert together.  Keep one another tuned up with regular maintenance, like each one taking care of the other’s heart, emotions, and dreams, and each of you working together for the common good of both of you.  Never forsake one another, and never put anyone but God before one another.

3. Blended Families. Blended families consist of both Second Chance and First Time Married Couples with children, making at least one parent a stepparent.  Unless you are empty nesters, a lot of your married life and time will be devoted to raising and supporting your children.  There are five sub-key points to consider that are relative to blended families, and they are very important.

• Setting Expectations. Agree on and clarify what your family expectations are. The value of being on one accord, is that it shows the unity and peace in your relationship. Approach any concerns with one mindset and one voice, with one set of rules and regulations, with one set of plans and expectations, and with one love. This means you both will be in agreement on how to manage important issues. Speak lovingly, yet candidly with your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning the new changes in your life that will now affect their lives. Explain what they can expect and what will be expected of them. It may take several discussions over time for everyone to reasonably adjust. It may not, depending on the ages of the children, and any possible negative influences from the other parents aka the “ex.” It is very important that they see you two as a united front, and that when one gives an answer to the best of their ability, they speak for both of you. You must trust each other and one another’s judgment. Never disagree in front of the children, because this shows dissention and lack of unity, something that they will potentially use to manipulate both of you (as children do sometimes). It can cause a crucial breakdown in communication and in your relationship. Support one another and be preventive rather than be divided and prescriptive.
• Be Realistic. As the stepparent, be careful not to become overzealous with expectations that the children will accept you and your marriage to their biological parent. Some children struggle with jealousy [about you stealing their attention and time from their parent], resentment [of your marriage which has crushed their hope for their parents' reconciliation], or disloyalty [remaining formal and distant so they won't compromise their loyalty to the other (angry) parent]. Make sure that you are able to accept and deal with whatever the outcome, and that you will be able to sincerely love them regardless, and without bias. It is important that the love and understanding from both of you is equal for all of the children.
• Unpack Your Baggage. Identify and address all negative influences of your “ex” that could potentially impact your relationship and/or your relationship with your children. Each of you should deal with and resolve (head on) any unresolved issues with the “ex” in your life, so that you maintain uncompromised peace and stability in your marriage. Keep it classy and peaceful if at all possible, because children live what they learn. When you two consistently show love and respect for one another, and others, against all odds, your children will respond to that love and respect, making the transition easier.
• Set Structure. You must set family structure. Be clear about what is and is not acceptable. Acknowledge and reward compliance. Correct noncompliance.
• Set Rules. Agree on what the rules are, and how you plan to raise, educate, correct and discipline your children. Ideally, between the four parents, all should cooperate and agree on one best practice for achieving these goals. Focus on the objective: the welfare and benefit of the children and your marriage. Suggest win-win solutions.

4. Strength Is the Secret to Success.  The strength of Second Chance Marriages, or any marriage, is a God centered married life that is regularly nurtured.  Worship together (meditate, or practice whatever centers your life, respectfully), as you do everything else together.  Pray for one another, never prey on one another.

5. Command Respect.  As a stepparent, always respect the other parent’s role and position in their children’s lives.  Do not try to compete for the affections of the children.  Do not intentionally be offensive to the other parent in any way.   To deal with any negative feelings, journal the things that are negatively affecting you, and discuss them with your spouse.  Command your respect by first giving respect.

6. Money Matters.  Mature newlyweds may be more concerned with health care, retirement, their children’s trusts, wills, and pensions.  Both, the mature and young newlyweds, alike, may each have different money views and values that will require compromise and negotiation.  Prenuptial agreements protect preexisting financial securities, and family interests.  Although it is common, not everyone uses them.  A working partnership is a must to manage finances.  Full disclosure is essential, and so is the need for couples to find and to apply solutions to any problems.

7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent.  In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them.  They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name).  The most important thing is that you are now family.  Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them.  The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal.  Sometimes there may be disagreements.  All families experience them sometimes.  Do not make a mountain out of a molehill!  Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love.  At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing!  Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent.  Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children.  After all, they are.

8. Mind Your Manners.  Do not take your wife or husband for granted.  Remember to be courteous and kind.  Just like you were taught, “thank you” and “please” still mean a lot and go a long way.  Always consider, protect and support your spouse in all aspects as you would yourself.  Maintain faithfulness, integrity and respect for one another in words, thoughts and in deeds.

9. Your Way Is Not The Only Way.  You were not always one team.  You come from different backgrounds, were raised differently, and have different ways of doing things.  Adjusting to living together, and accepting one another’s habits can be challenging at times, to say the least.  You do not have to say everything that you think.  Everything does not have to be done your way.  Sometimes sacrifice and compromise will be required.  To lessen or to avoid complaints, insults or arguments, change your focus and your mindset.  Remember all the attributes that you love about your spouse.  “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” - Philippians 4:9.   Then compromise on different ways to do things.  It is always good to know more than one route to any destination, and more than one way to accomplish any task.  Use your differences to strengthen your personal weaknesses or to enhance and compliment your strengths.

Mind Your Business.  What goes on in your marriage, stays in your marriage!  Be very careful about the information you share about your spouse, and to whom you share it.  Most people won’t let you forget any negative information you share and are just looking for drama.  Whenever needed, talk to people who are successful in their marriage.  Preferably, the husband should talk to another husband or male friend, not to his female co-worker.  Similarly, the wife should talk to another wife or female friend, not to her male childhood friend.  Basically, if you don’t want to hear about it again, mind your business by either keeping it to yourself, or ensuring that you tell someone who can keep it in good confidence, and who will give you wise counsel and encouragement about your situation.  As much as possible, communicate with one another about everything.  Become one another’s best friend.

This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of  Sheer Elegant Events.

Before You Say I Do - Take Two

You are on cloud 9 because the man that you’ve been dating for quite some time now has just popped the question, and you said yes! Being that this may be the second time around for either you or your partner or both, deciding on a date, location, the perfect dress and the guest list are only a few of your first steps. Below are some tips on what you should do right after you say yes to the man of your dreams.

Schedule an appointment with a stepfamily counselor

Falling in love is the easy part. What you and your fiance need to learn is how to stay that way. No matter how much in love you are, if you don’t adequately prepare for the second time around, your marriage and family will likely fail. A stepfamily counselor will help you work on things like co-parenting plans, communication, couple strength and more. And trust me, you’ll need some guidance as a stepfamily marriage comes equipped with different challenges than a first marriage. Discuss these things AHEAD of time and give your marriage a better chance at survival.

Discuss your parenting styles

Because one or both of you are entering into the marriage with kids, it is crucial that you talk about parenting styles, including discipline. For example, one of you might be completely opposed to the kids eating in their rooms, but the other might not have a problem with it. How will you resolve such issues before being confronted with them? It is much easier to discuss these things before they happen as opposed to doing so in the heat of the moment.

Talk about finances

Every couple should discuss finances before saying I do, but it is especially important for the remarried coupled with children. Why? Because outside obligations will undoubtedly affect your household. Will you keep your finances separate or join forces? How will you handle it when an ex-spouse requests something extra outside of child support?

Tell the kids

Sit down with the kids and explain to them what’s going on. Express how much you want them to be part of the wedding festivities and the newly formed family. Explain ahead of time that there will be some changes. For example, stepmom or stepdad will be moving in with us after the wedding. You’ll also want to sit down with your respective children individually to explain what the marriage will mean for them.

Hire a wedding planner!!!

Clearly you already have so much to do and think about before you even get to the wedding planning stage. As such, I cannot stress enough how much hiring a wedding planner will help. Trust me, while you’re worrying about the complicated guest list, how your kids and/or his kids will behave, whether or not you should invite the ex…your wedding planner will be concentrating on the intimate details of YOUR day! She will minimize the stress so you are actually able to enjoy your timeless affair.

Overall, you are entering into what can be a very exciting and rewarding time in your lives if handled properly. Remember a remarriage is not like a first marriage and discussing the unique challenges that remarried couples face, ahead of time, will give your marriage the best chance at succeeding.

Dads and Daughters – The Greatest Love Story

“The latest statistics claim roughly 60% of marriages end in divorce. Second or third marriages have only about 20% of couples remaining happily married. A full eighty percent of repeat marriages end in divorce. Over one million children watch their parents divorce each year, and half of the babies born this year will suffer through the divorce of their parents before they turn 18. While divorce is often necessary, there is no denying rising divorce rates signal societal issues.” According to http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_M._Robbins

There it is cut and dry. A divorce happens, you figure out which parent should have the children, then you work out what the visitation schedule means for each parent’s place of employment, you breeze over “rules” for each household to make sure you are at least in the ballpark with discipline, and then you go on with your lives. When you were married, two became one and now one is turning back into two – but this time there may be 3 or 4 to think about if you brought children into the equation.

I am the product of divorce along with much of the population of our world these days. My mother had custody of me and I saw my dad every other weekend for the first few years after the divorce. Then my mom got a job in one state and my dad got a job in another - my every other weekends became once a month if we were lucky. My mother IS MY ROCK!! Could not live in this world without her and I don’t even want to think about trying to. I love her so much and know how much she struggled trying to raise me on her own with not a whole lot of money coming in from the other side. (McDonald’s used to be our big splurge with the spare change she had saved up for a month.)

My dad lived in a big city, in a really cool apartment (well, I thought it was), and we would always shop. Now I’ve said this before my mother HATES to shop so I thought she just never wanted to take me shopping – not realizing that money really doesn’t grow on trees – as much as I had hoped it did. We always ate out when I was with him and, yes, it was the “fun” house. I was still young enough not to realize that my mom may have really wanted to do all of those things with me but just couldn’t.

As I grew up I began to realize that the relationship I have with my mom is completely different than the one I have with my dad – neither is right or wrong - just different. BUT I NEEDED BOTH. Even though they didn’t live in the same household – let alone the same state – they both helped me form the woman I am today.

Now that I have three girls the relationship I see them developing with their father is something I am in awe of from the outside looking in. Yes, I am with them the majority of the time but when my oldest goes to her dad’s house or my youngest two are sitting by the door waiting for their dad to get home from work; I realize there are just some things that cannot duplicate what a father does for his daughter.

Your father (good or bad) forms a woman’s very first impression of the opposite sex. He is our first true love. He is the one we yearn to impress and make proud (whether we want to admit it or not). He gives or takes away a young woman’s self esteem. He molds us from a young age. Being physically present or absent has a HUGE impact on the way a woman lives her life. Consciously or unconsciously women do find men who have similar traits to their fathers. It’s weird. I didn’t think I did that but looking back now, my ex-husband AND my current husband BOTH have things about them that remind me of my dad. Did I think of it at the time – no – but now I see it. Don’t get me wrong I love my daddy but he and I have had our ups and downs over the years as well. Even during those times there are things I have learned from him (good and bad) that my mother couldn’t have taught me. Not her fault – she’s just not a man.

I hear many women talk about not being able to have successful relationships with men in their adult years due to the relationship they have with their dads – or lack there of. This is a very viable argument. Girls need their fathers if they live in the same home or not. Maybe it is a father “figure” but all girls need a positive role model of the male species to show them how to be loved and how to love themselves and how to retain their own self worth. Of course our mothers do that from day one of our lives. But the impact it has coming from a father is on another level.

So for everyone reading this please be conscious of the relationships you form and help form for your children. Kids are so much more intelligent than we give them credit for sometimes. Don’t keep your children or daughters from their fathers for petty or personal reasons (unless your child is in danger in their care of course). The relationship you have with your ex has NOTHING to do with the relationship your children have with them. They are completely separate and should be respected. Young women need their fathers or their father figures in their lives in order for them to become that whole person. It has taken me years to realize this by the way. Five years ago this post would have looked much different. I’m glad I have delved deep within me to find the person I am and that is because of my beautiful mother AND father.

Blended Families Don’t Fail - (Re) Marriages Do!!

I was talking to a group of 3 women (all blended family wives), including myself, over the weekend about who to put first - your spouse or your children. Two of these women felt as if their children would come first, no matter what.

“I bought this house, paid my bills and took care of my kids before he came along and if anybody is ever going to leave, it’s going to be him,” they proclaimed!

These women were honest about their feelings and admitted that they might be wrong, but still said they would choose their children over their spouse in a heartbeat. Although these feelings are completely natural in a newly formed (10 years or less) blended family, I have NEVER seen or heard of a successful blended family operating in this manner. Not to mention that if your mate ever asked you to put your kids out (unless they are fully grown and therefore should be out of the house anyway), then it probably means that you chose the wrong mate.

The reality is blended families don’t fail - (re) marriages do!!! If blended families don’t learn to make their marriage a priority, then they are headed for divorce number two and that’s far more damaging to your children, then agreeing with your spouse that they  should be cleaning up after themselves or agreeing with your spouse that no your ex-wife shouldn’t be allowed to wreak havoc on your marriage.

I’ve heard many people, mostly women, say that he has to take care of his kid and I have to take care of mine, but a family can’t operate in that manner. When you decide to marry or remarry someone with kids, then you can longer adopt that separatist view because what’s best for his kid might hurt yours and vice versa. You have to begin to think of his kids as your kids and your kids as his kids and do what’s best for them collectively, not individually. You simply cannot have a sense of family and togetherness if everyone is out for self. IT WILL NOT WORK!

I also believe it all directly correlates to changing your perspective on what it means to choose your spouse over your children (Maybe phrasing it as such automatically puts people on the defensive, so let’s change it to choosing your family first). It’s important to remember that you are not married to your children. You’re married to your spouse and therefore, you have to make decisions with him or her, never undermining his or her authority because it might hurt your child’s feelings or it isn’t the way you’ve always done it, when you know your way has been wrong. Don’t think of it as an act of betrayal because you are putting your marriage first. Think of it as a benefit to your children because now they have two parents in the house that are always considering their needs above their own. Let me explain, if you have chosen the right spouse, then when you put each other first, you are automatically going to consider the needs of each others’ children because that’s what parents naturally do. So, you are going to be thinking about his kids, he is going to do the same for yours and TOGETHER you’re going to think about what’s best for your FAMILY. When you do it in the reverse and focus on only YOUR children; you are going to be thinking about YOUR children, he is going to be thinking about HIS children and the last two people you are going to consider are EACH OTHER! Do you see how backwards that is?? A traditional marriage never works if both parties are selfish and it is no different in a remarriage and blended family.

Choosing the right spouse. If your husband won’t spend anytime with your kids, but he wasn’t taking care of his own before he met you, you probably chose the wrong mate. If your husband spends more time with his friends than he does with his family, you probably chose the wrong mate. If your mate is just an all around butt hole, then you probably chose the wrong mate and your co-parenting relationship, marriage and blended family probably won’t survive. Be advised that these are “I should not have married you in the first place” issues, not blended family issues.  You cannot marry an immature person who wants to stay out all night or is very selfish to begin with and expect your blended family to work.  Navigating through the world of the blended family is hard enough as it is. You have to start with two like-minded people are ready for marriage, commitment and family!

So, when you have chosen the right mate and decide to remarry, remember the correct order in order to guard against possible divorce. Your marriage and therefore your blended family, won’t survive if you consider each other last. Work together to create rules of the household (co-parenting policy) and to create a new norm for your new family instead of relying on what you’ve always done.

My Gay Ex-Husband

Remember when the govenor of New Jersey announced he was gay? I sure do. I remember smiling ruefully to myself when I heard people talking about the scandal and asking, “How could his wife not know? Can you imagine being married to someone and not knowing he’s gay?” Yep, I can because it happened to me. I don’t mind telling people about this because I somehow feel it gives me a free pass for a failed marriage. There was no “we just grew apart” or ” we wanted different things” excuses. Nope. I married a gay guy. Not my fault. Except when you consider that I was, how should I say this?, STUPID enough to marry a gay guy in the first place. By way of explanation, let me just say this. My ex, whom I will refer to as Jared, was more the Rock Hudson type of gay guy rather than the Liberace sort. It wasn’t like he was into decorating or Broadway show tunes. He didn like ballet, though, maybe that should have been a clue.  These dadys when he comes over the the house to pick up the girls wearing Bermuda shorts and socks and sandals, I ook at him and say to myself, “You are soooo gay. How did I miss that?” Back when he was still in the closet he played the part of the straight, ex-highschool football hero pretty convincingly and I and everyone else was fooled. And to answer the most often asked question, yes, we did have sex. No problems there, so you can see, I really had no idea.

Jared and I met in 1987 at a Christmas party my roomate and I were throwing at our apartment. He was her guest. They worked together. He seemed like a nice, genuine guy who wore T-shirst and jeans and watched sports. At the time I had been having a lot of short-term romances with playboy types who strung me along with promises of trips to Jamaica and then dumped me with no notice. My current beau fit the profile, but hadn’t arrived yet, so Jared and I struck up a conversation about just exactly how did the guy who played Latke on Taxi die, (we learned we were both obscure trivia buffs) when my date showed up and whisked me away. Two weeks later the lotario stopped calling and I swore off dating forever. I was 26 and decided that marriage and children were just not going to happen for me. Little did I know. I concentrated on my career as a rising fashion industry star and embraced 80’s VCR technology.

Sometime around spring I decided it was time to venture out into the dating world again. I informed my roommate, who responded excitedly that Jared was still available, had just gotten his own apartment and really liked me. I was making chocolate chip cookies at the tiem and gave her some to give to him at work. A few days later he called and we went out on a date. I liked him a lot, thought he was really nice, but did not get those nervous butterflies that had gotten me into so much trouble in the past. I didn’t feel that instant chemistry, but decided to wait it out until I did because I knew Jared was a nice, decent guy. A mensch, not a chump and all my friends liked him. After a month of dating I really fell for him and thought, “This is what love is supposed to feel like - calm. Not insecure or nerve wracking.” After 9 months of dating, we got engaged (at the ballet) and 9 months after that we were married. The first two years we lived the 80’s yuppie, pre-kids lifestyle. We indulged our hobbies of dining out, browsing bookstores and going to movies.

In November of ;92 Jared got recruited by a high tech company in California and we were moved from the East coast to the West to start a new life. At the same time I got pregnant with Sophia. There were a lot of changes in our lives and the accompanying stress that goes with them. Jared became a work-a-holic which was kind of typical of the high tech boom in the early 90’s. Something wasn’t right in my marriage, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I shrugged it off to the hectic life with small children. When Eva was born in ‘96 I quit my job to stay home which only made Jared spend more time at work. Because I was now with the kids full time, I looked to him more to give me breaks with the girls. Instead, he worked 6 days a week and slept ’til noon on Sundays. we never did anything as a family. Forget vacations. I would have settled for help with the laundry. With our family all on the East Coast I spent a lot of time alone. I look back on those years and I don’t know how I survived. As a kid my dad was never an active participant in our family and i regretted that. I began to see the effects Jared’s absence had on the girls and it made me very sad. One year on Jared’s birthday, Sophia sat on the front porch with his gift on her lap and he never came home.

Why did I put up with this for so long? I was afraid of the alternative. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I looked on the bright side. I enjoyed my children and was grateful that I could afford to stay home and spend so much time with them. I looked for diversions and decided I needed a bigger house with a large yard so we could have a dog. We bought a minivan. I don’t know why Jared agreed to it because he told me later the trappings of  a middle class lifestyle put him over the edge. A bigger house, a bigger mortgage. He was screaming inside. He felt imprisoned in a marriage he should never have been in and became more and more distraught and desperate. He coped by working, his only escape.

Shortly after our move to the new house, Jared and I were barely speaking. He left for work before the girls got up for schol and came home after they were in bed. He refused the warmed dinners I saved for him saying he had already eaten at the office. I knew somehting was seriously wrong with him and kept prodding him for explanations and answers. Hw ould push me away and tell me I was imagining things and to leave him alone. Around the same time Sophia was diagnosed with a learning disability and needed a lot of my attention. I was exhausted all the time and did not know what to do about my mariage so I did nothing. I think I went months without even looking in Jared’s direction, until one day I saw him get out of the shower and was shocked to see that he was dangerously thin. Jared was always a lender guy with a small build. Six feet tall he usually weighed around 155 lbs.  I could see the bones sticking out of his ribcage. I exclaimed, “Oh my God, you are so thin! What is wrong with you?” and demanded he get on the scale and he did. He weighed 128 lbs. He admitted to me that he thought he was anorexic, but he wouldn’t explain why. I otld him he needed to get counseling and he agreed and even ate some breakfast. I was encouraged by his admission, yet very troubled. After he left for work I got on the internet to research anorexia in men and found an article that offered two explanations. The first one I immediately discounted and scoffed at. Anorexia in men is caused by the suppression of latent homosexaual tendencies. Ridiculous. My husband is not gay. i read on. The second reason seemed more likely. Repressed memories and hostilities as a results of an authoritarian father. That had to be it. Of course, growing up in the sixties, who didn’t have an authoritarian father? Armed with my new knowldege, I decided to approach Jared that eveing. Instead we had a big fight about something I can’t remember and he went to bed. I stayed up stewing and watching stupid TV shows. My intuition told me I had to confront him. I had to know. I went into the bedroom, sat on his side of the bed and woke him up. I told him, “Jared, I am your wife. You have to tell me what is bothering you. I don’t care what it is. This is eting us both up. Temm me. I have to know.” At first he said nothing. Tears started to stream down his face and his body was shuddering and rockign slightly. Softly, he started repeating these works over and over again. ” Ijust want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy.: It was at that moment that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered what I read on the Internet. He’s gay. So I asked him, “Jared, are you gay?” (he told me later he could not believe I had guessed.) As if the words were coming from the bowels of his being, for the first time in his life he admitted to someone, me, his wife, that he was gay. It was as if he were speaking in slow motion and under water. “Would you hate me if I told hou that I think I am bisexual?” I was so relieved to finally know that I wept too. “No, I don’t hate you, I love you.” I assured him. I promised to help him and to stick by him. I knew my marriage was over, but I could not admit it to myself. The girls were little, I hadn’t worked in years and he was a basket case. I threw myself inot my plan to get him well. I started the next day stuffing hm with high calorie smoothies and calling around for referrals for therapists. Jared told me later that if I had not come in to force the truth out of him he would have most likely killed himself the next day. That was his plan. I know how he was having a nervous breakdown.

For the next two years we clung to hope that somehow we could make our marriage work. Jared considered himself bi-sexual, and by marrying me he was simply making his choice. During the first two years of our marriage he was fine with his decision. It was when I got pregnant with Sophia that he started to feel confined and panicked. Once everything was out in the open and we both sought counseling, we explored all of the thoughts, issues, conflicts and struggles he was feeling. I read books, searched the Internet and consulted experts in the field. One of the most significant things I learned, and probably the greatest source of confusion and controversy regarding human sexuality, is that some people, not all, but some, have varying levels of homosexuality and/or heterosexuality in their makeup. While some people, like myself, have no doubts about their sexual orientation. I have always known that I am straight. Likewise, there are gay people who have similar certainties of their homosexual orientation. However, there are those, like Jared, who are not so sure and are unfortunately therefore so conflicted. This uncertainty coupled with social construct opposing homosexuality is what closets so many people.

After two years of feeling like I was walking on eggshells, always watching Jared to make sure he was OK, of meeting his needs and not my own, I decided I needed more. I needed to be either with a man who wanted to be with me or to be alone. It was a difficult decision and one that was long overdue. The tipping point came at one of our final visits to see our marriage counselor. The counselor suggested that we settle on some kind of “arrangement”, in which we would agree to time apart and I would simply look the other way while Jared went off on some gay Club Med trip. This apparently works for some people. Not for me. With tears streaming down my face I made a vow to myself that I deserved better and Iwould find it.

After twelve years of marriage, two children, and a relocation across the country, Jared and I ended our marriage, but not our family. I was determined to keep my dignity and composure and to have a positive divorce. We told the kids in February of 2002. It was Black History month and the girls were learning about segregation in school. I used that backdrop to make the comparison of discrimination against gay people. I explained to the girls that Daddy was gay. Because we live in a very liberal community where there are lots of gay couples, the girls knew that some people of the same sex are happier being together. However, not everyone is acceptng of gay people which is why their father kept his feelings as secret for so long.  I told them that because we love Daddy we want him to be happy and we have to let him find what is going to make him happy. At first they were worried they would not get to see their father often. They both have friends whose parents were divorced and the dads had moved out of the area. I assured them they could see their father whenenver they wanted to and they do. Although the children live primarily with me they see their father every day when he takes them to school.

About six months after Jared moved out, he met Keith, his life partner to whom he is now married. Shortly after, it was Jared’s birthday. I suggested to Jared that he invite Keith to our house for dinner. I did this for the girls to show an act of solidarity and to give my approval. I wanted the girls to know that it was OK to welcome Keith into their lives. I never wanted them to feel like they had to choose sides or feel guilty about liking him. I also didn’t want hem to worry about me.

The morning of his birthday, Jared met the girls and me at our country club to go swimming. As I watched Jared rough house with the girls in the pool, tossing them in the air and playing Marco Polo, I realized I had never seen him so happy. During our marriage, when I could get him to come with us to the pool, he often sat on the sidelines reading a book, retreating into himself. When I saw how delighted the girls were with his attention, I knew that I made the right decision. I sacrificed my marriage, so that my children could have a father. Later, Keith arrived at the house with gifts in hand for me and the girls. While I got dinner started, Keith and Jared played hopscotch and jumprope outside with the girls. Later, Jared wrote me a lovely thank you email telling me how much he appreciated my generosity and that it was the best birthday he ever had.

Was I always so amicable and giving? No. There were several times I felt such anger and resentment toward Jared that I could have clocked him. I spent many mornings sobbing in the shower. Jared, because of his guilt I guess, put up with a lot of my tirades and sarcastic barbs unti one day he asked me point blank, “How long are you going to punish me? I’ll give you twenty years and then after that the statute of limitations runs out and you have to forgive me.” He sounded like he was joking,but I knew he was serious. I realized at that moment that I was only hurting myself and if the girls sensed my feelings, they would suffer too. I decided from that point on to take stock in my life and acknowledge what was good. I had two wonderful daughters, a beautiful home (which I got to keep in the divorce settlement), I lived in a beautiful place and I had the talent, intelligence and perseverance to start over.

Why did Jared marry me you wonder? I asked him the same question. His answer, besides the fact that he loved me, was that he wanted a family and a conventional lifestyle. When we separated he did right by me and the kids. He gave me the house, padi very generous child and spousal support so I could continue to stay home with the girls while I figured out what I wanted to do since I hadn’t worked in a while. At the time of our divorce, an acquaintance of mine from my kids’ school was also getting a divorce. Her husband left her for another woman and moved to Brazil, but only after he drained their bank accounts. Since he was self-employed he was able to hide his assets and income. She, like me, had been a stay-at-home mom with three kids. Her car was repossessed and her landlord evicted her for non-payment of rent. She was forced to go on public assistance. Now I aks you, which man, my ex-husband or hers, had better family values?

Although I have no regrets about marrying Jared, I know that if he had felt the freedom to live as an openly gay person, who had the rights to marry and have children, we would have never gotten married. This brings me to the topic of same sex marriage and the general acceptance of homosexuality. We, as compassionate and reasonable  people have to dispel this notion that it is wrong to be gay, that homosexuality is a disease that has to be cured or prevented. It is not. Nor is it a choice. It just is. Accept it. By doing so you would save others from experiencing the pain and unhappiness we have had to endure as a result of society’s discrimination against homosexuality.

Carol Shwanda is now remarried as well and chronicles her blended family’s lives and experiences on www.shwanda.com offering hope, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and humor to anyone who is in or about to enter into a blended family. For more information about Carol,  please visit www.shwanda.com or send an email to Carol@shwanda.com.

My Second Mom - by another blended family blogger

I recently read the following post that was written by another blogger who happens to be the product of a divorced family. Her mother and father were divorced, and her father remarried. She wrote the post about her “second mom.” It’s always refreshing to hear from adult children because they provide so much insight regarding how the blended family has and continually affects them.  This provides us with the opportunity to put those assumptions to rest and hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

My Second Mom

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