Dads and Daughters – The Greatest Love Story

“The latest statistics claim roughly 60% of marriages end in divorce. Second or third marriages have only about 20% of couples remaining happily married. A full eighty percent of repeat marriages end in divorce. Over one million children watch their parents divorce each year, and half of the babies born this year will suffer through the divorce of their parents before they turn 18. While divorce is often necessary, there is no denying rising divorce rates signal societal issues.” According to http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_M._Robbins

There it is cut and dry. A divorce happens, you figure out which parent should have the children, then you work out what the visitation schedule means for each parent’s place of employment, you breeze over “rules” for each household to make sure you are at least in the ballpark with discipline, and then you go on with your lives. When you were married, two became one and now one is turning back into two – but this time there may be 3 or 4 to think about if you brought children into the equation.

I am the product of divorce along with much of the population of our world these days. My mother had custody of me and I saw my dad every other weekend for the first few years after the divorce. Then my mom got a job in one state and my dad got a job in another – my every other weekends became once a month if we were lucky. My mother IS MY ROCK!! Could not live in this world without her and I don’t even want to think about trying to. I love her so much and know how much she struggled trying to raise me on her own with not a whole lot of money coming in from the other side. (McDonald’s used to be our big splurge with the spare change she had saved up for a month.)

My dad lived in a big city, in a really cool apartment (well, I thought it was), and we would always shop. Now I’ve said this before my mother HATES to shop so I thought she just never wanted to take me shopping – not realizing that money really doesn’t grow on trees – as much as I had hoped it did. We always ate out when I was with him and, yes, it was the “fun” house. I was still young enough not to realize that my mom may have really wanted to do all of those things with me but just couldn’t.

As I grew up I began to realize that the relationship I have with my mom is completely different than the one I have with my dad – neither is right or wrong – just different. BUT I NEEDED BOTH. Even though they didn’t live in the same household – let alone the same state – they both helped me form the woman I am today.

Now that I have three girls the relationship I see them developing with their father is something I am in awe of from the outside looking in. Yes, I am with them the majority of the time but when my oldest goes to her dad’s house or my youngest two are sitting by the door waiting for their dad to get home from work; I realize there are just some things that cannot duplicate what a father does for his daughter.

Your father (good or bad) forms a woman’s very first impression of the opposite sex. He is our first true love. He is the one we yearn to impress and make proud (whether we want to admit it or not). He gives or takes away a young woman’s self esteem. He molds us from a young age. Being physically present or absent has a HUGE impact on the way a woman lives her life. Consciously or unconsciously women do find men who have similar traits to their fathers. It’s weird. I didn’t think I did that but looking back now, my ex-husband AND my current husband BOTH have things about them that remind me of my dad. Did I think of it at the time – no – but now I see it. Don’t get me wrong I love my daddy but he and I have had our ups and downs over the years as well. Even during those times there are things I have learned from him (good and bad) that my mother couldn’t have taught me. Not her fault – she’s just not a man.

I hear many women talk about not being able to have successful relationships with men in their adult years due to the relationship they have with their dads – or lack there of. This is a very viable argument. Girls need their fathers if they live in the same home or not. Maybe it is a father “figure” but all girls need a positive role model of the male species to show them how to be loved and how to love themselves and how to retain their own self worth. Of course our mothers do that from day one of our lives. But the impact it has coming from a father is on another level.

So for everyone reading this please be conscious of the relationships you form and help form for your children. Kids are so much more intelligent than we give them credit for sometimes. Don’t keep your children or daughters from their fathers for petty or personal reasons (unless your child is in danger in their care of course). The relationship you have with your ex has NOTHING to do with the relationship your children have with them. They are completely separate and should be respected. Young women need their fathers or their father figures in their lives in order for them to become that whole person. It has taken me years to realize this by the way. Five years ago this post would have looked much different. I’m glad I have delved deep within me to find the person I am and that is because of my beautiful mother AND father.

Blended Families Don’t Fail – (Re) Marriages Do!!

I was talking to a group of 3 women (all blended family wives), including myself, over the weekend about who to put first – your spouse or your children. Two of these women felt as if their children would come first, no matter what.

“I bought this house, paid my bills and took care of my kids before he came along and if anybody is ever going to leave, it’s going to be him,” they proclaimed!

These women were honest about their feelings and admitted that they might be wrong, but still said they would choose their children over their spouse in a heartbeat. Although these feelings are completely natural in a newly formed (10 years or less) blended family, I have NEVER seen or heard of a successful blended family operating in this manner. Not to mention that if your mate ever asked you to put your kids out (unless they are fully grown and therefore should be out of the house anyway), then it probably means that you chose the wrong mate.

The reality is blended families don’t fail – (re) marriages do!!! If blended families don’t learn to make their marriage a priority, then they are headed for divorce number two and that’s far more damaging to your children, then agreeing with your spouse that they  should be cleaning up after themselves or agreeing with your spouse that no your ex-wife shouldn’t be allowed to wreak havoc on your marriage.

I’ve heard many people, mostly women, say that he has to take care of his kid and I have to take care of mine, but a family can’t operate in that manner. When you decide to marry or remarry someone with kids, then you can longer adopt that separatist view because what’s best for his kid might hurt yours and vice versa. You have to begin to think of his kids as your kids and your kids as his kids and do what’s best for them collectively, not individually. You simply cannot have a sense of family and togetherness if everyone is out for self. IT WILL NOT WORK!

I also believe it all directly correlates to changing your perspective on what it means to choose your spouse over your children (Maybe phrasing it as such automatically puts people on the defensive, so let’s change it to choosing your family first). It’s important to remember that you are not married to your children. You’re married to your spouse and therefore, you have to make decisions with him or her, never undermining his or her authority because it might hurt your child’s feelings or it isn’t the way you’ve always done it, when you know your way has been wrong. Don’t think of it as an act of betrayal because you are putting your marriage first. Think of it as a benefit to your children because now they have two parents in the house that are always considering their needs above their own. Let me explain, if you have chosen the right spouse, then when you put each other first, you are automatically going to consider the needs of each others’ children because that’s what parents naturally do. So, you are going to be thinking about his kids, he is going to do the same for yours and TOGETHER you’re going to think about what’s best for your FAMILY. When you do it in the reverse and focus on only YOUR children; you are going to be thinking about YOUR children, he is going to be thinking about HIS children and the last two people you are going to consider are EACH OTHER! Do you see how backwards that is?? A traditional marriage never works if both parties are selfish and it is no different in a remarriage and blended family.

Choosing the right spouse. If your husband won’t spend anytime with your kids, but he wasn’t taking care of his own before he met you, you probably chose the wrong mate. If your husband spends more time with his friends than he does with his family, you probably chose the wrong mate. If your mate is just an all around butt hole, then you probably chose the wrong mate and your co-parenting relationship, marriage and blended family probably won’t survive. Be advised that these are “I should not have married you in the first place” issues, not blended family issues.  You cannot marry an immature person who wants to stay out all night or is very selfish to begin with and expect your blended family to work.  Navigating through the world of the blended family is hard enough as it is. You have to start with two like-minded people are ready for marriage, commitment and family!

So, when you have chosen the right mate and decide to remarry, remember the correct order in order to guard against possible divorce. Your marriage and therefore your blended family, won’t survive if you consider each other last. Work together to create rules of the household (co-parenting policy) and to create a new norm for your new family instead of relying on what you’ve always done.

My Gay Ex-Husband

Remember when the govenor of New Jersey announced he was gay? I sure do. I remember smiling ruefully to myself when I heard people talking about the scandal and asking, “How could his wife not know? Can you imagine being married to someone and not knowing he’s gay?” Yep, I can because it happened to me. I don’t mind telling people about this because I somehow feel it gives me a free pass for a failed marriage. There was no “we just grew apart” or ” we wanted different things” excuses. Nope. I married a gay guy. Not my fault. Except when you consider that I was, how should I say this?, STUPID enough to marry a gay guy in the first place. By way of explanation, let me just say this. My ex, whom I will refer to as Jared, was more the Rock Hudson type of gay guy rather than the Liberace sort. It wasn’t like he was into decorating or Broadway show tunes. He didn like ballet, though, maybe that should have been a clue.  These dadys when he comes over the the house to pick up the girls wearing Bermuda shorts and socks and sandals, I ook at him and say to myself, “You are soooo gay. How did I miss that?” Back when he was still in the closet he played the part of the straight, ex-highschool football hero pretty convincingly and I and everyone else was fooled. And to answer the most often asked question, yes, we did have sex. No problems there, so you can see, I really had no idea.

Jared and I met in 1987 at a Christmas party my roomate and I were throwing at our apartment. He was her guest. They worked together. He seemed like a nice, genuine guy who wore T-shirst and jeans and watched sports. At the time I had been having a lot of short-term romances with playboy types who strung me along with promises of trips to Jamaica and then dumped me with no notice. My current beau fit the profile, but hadn’t arrived yet, so Jared and I struck up a conversation about just exactly how did the guy who played Latke on Taxi die, (we learned we were both obscure trivia buffs) when my date showed up and whisked me away. Two weeks later the lotario stopped calling and I swore off dating forever. I was 26 and decided that marriage and children were just not going to happen for me. Little did I know. I concentrated on my career as a rising fashion industry star and embraced 80′s VCR technology.

Sometime around spring I decided it was time to venture out into the dating world again. I informed my roommate, who responded excitedly that Jared was still available, had just gotten his own apartment and really liked me. I was making chocolate chip cookies at the tiem and gave her some to give to him at work. A few days later he called and we went out on a date. I liked him a lot, thought he was really nice, but did not get those nervous butterflies that had gotten me into so much trouble in the past. I didn’t feel that instant chemistry, but decided to wait it out until I did because I knew Jared was a nice, decent guy. A mensch, not a chump and all my friends liked him. After a month of dating I really fell for him and thought, “This is what love is supposed to feel like – calm. Not insecure or nerve wracking.” After 9 months of dating, we got engaged (at the ballet) and 9 months after that we were married. The first two years we lived the 80′s yuppie, pre-kids lifestyle. We indulged our hobbies of dining out, browsing bookstores and going to movies.

In November of ;92 Jared got recruited by a high tech company in California and we were moved from the East coast to the West to start a new life. At the same time I got pregnant with Sophia. There were a lot of changes in our lives and the accompanying stress that goes with them. Jared became a work-a-holic which was kind of typical of the high tech boom in the early 90′s. Something wasn’t right in my marriage, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I shrugged it off to the hectic life with small children. When Eva was born in ’96 I quit my job to stay home which only made Jared spend more time at work. Because I was now with the kids full time, I looked to him more to give me breaks with the girls. Instead, he worked 6 days a week and slept ’til noon on Sundays. we never did anything as a family. Forget vacations. I would have settled for help with the laundry. With our family all on the East Coast I spent a lot of time alone. I look back on those years and I don’t know how I survived. As a kid my dad was never an active participant in our family and i regretted that. I began to see the effects Jared’s absence had on the girls and it made me very sad. One year on Jared’s birthday, Sophia sat on the front porch with his gift on her lap and he never came home.

Why did I put up with this for so long? I was afraid of the alternative. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I looked on the bright side. I enjoyed my children and was grateful that I could afford to stay home and spend so much time with them. I looked for diversions and decided I needed a bigger house with a large yard so we could have a dog. We bought a minivan. I don’t know why Jared agreed to it because he told me later the trappings of  a middle class lifestyle put him over the edge. A bigger house, a bigger mortgage. He was screaming inside. He felt imprisoned in a marriage he should never have been in and became more and more distraught and desperate. He coped by working, his only escape.

Shortly after our move to the new house, Jared and I were barely speaking. He left for work before the girls got up for schol and came home after they were in bed. He refused the warmed dinners I saved for him saying he had already eaten at the office. I knew somehting was seriously wrong with him and kept prodding him for explanations and answers. Hw ould push me away and tell me I was imagining things and to leave him alone. Around the same time Sophia was diagnosed with a learning disability and needed a lot of my attention. I was exhausted all the time and did not know what to do about my mariage so I did nothing. I think I went months without even looking in Jared’s direction, until one day I saw him get out of the shower and was shocked to see that he was dangerously thin. Jared was always a lender guy with a small build. Six feet tall he usually weighed around 155 lbs.  I could see the bones sticking out of his ribcage. I exclaimed, “Oh my God, you are so thin! What is wrong with you?” and demanded he get on the scale and he did. He weighed 128 lbs. He admitted to me that he thought he was anorexic, but he wouldn’t explain why. I otld him he needed to get counseling and he agreed and even ate some breakfast. I was encouraged by his admission, yet very troubled. After he left for work I got on the internet to research anorexia in men and found an article that offered two explanations. The first one I immediately discounted and scoffed at. Anorexia in men is caused by the suppression of latent homosexaual tendencies. Ridiculous. My husband is not gay. i read on. The second reason seemed more likely. Repressed memories and hostilities as a results of an authoritarian father. That had to be it. Of course, growing up in the sixties, who didn’t have an authoritarian father? Armed with my new knowldege, I decided to approach Jared that eveing. Instead we had a big fight about something I can’t remember and he went to bed. I stayed up stewing and watching stupid TV shows. My intuition told me I had to confront him. I had to know. I went into the bedroom, sat on his side of the bed and woke him up. I told him, “Jared, I am your wife. You have to tell me what is bothering you. I don’t care what it is. This is eting us both up. Temm me. I have to know.” At first he said nothing. Tears started to stream down his face and his body was shuddering and rockign slightly. Softly, he started repeating these works over and over again. ” Ijust want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy.: It was at that moment that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered what I read on the Internet. He’s gay. So I asked him, “Jared, are you gay?” (he told me later he could not believe I had guessed.) As if the words were coming from the bowels of his being, for the first time in his life he admitted to someone, me, his wife, that he was gay. It was as if he were speaking in slow motion and under water. “Would you hate me if I told hou that I think I am bisexual?” I was so relieved to finally know that I wept too. “No, I don’t hate you, I love you.” I assured him. I promised to help him and to stick by him. I knew my marriage was over, but I could not admit it to myself. The girls were little, I hadn’t worked in years and he was a basket case. I threw myself inot my plan to get him well. I started the next day stuffing hm with high calorie smoothies and calling around for referrals for therapists. Jared told me later that if I had not come in to force the truth out of him he would have most likely killed himself the next day. That was his plan. I know how he was having a nervous breakdown.

For the next two years we clung to hope that somehow we could make our marriage work. Jared considered himself bi-sexual, and by marrying me he was simply making his choice. During the first two years of our marriage he was fine with his decision. It was when I got pregnant with Sophia that he started to feel confined and panicked. Once everything was out in the open and we both sought counseling, we explored all of the thoughts, issues, conflicts and struggles he was feeling. I read books, searched the Internet and consulted experts in the field. One of the most significant things I learned, and probably the greatest source of confusion and controversy regarding human sexuality, is that some people, not all, but some, have varying levels of homosexuality and/or heterosexuality in their makeup. While some people, like myself, have no doubts about their sexual orientation. I have always known that I am straight. Likewise, there are gay people who have similar certainties of their homosexual orientation. However, there are those, like Jared, who are not so sure and are unfortunately therefore so conflicted. This uncertainty coupled with social construct opposing homosexuality is what closets so many people.

After two years of feeling like I was walking on eggshells, always watching Jared to make sure he was OK, of meeting his needs and not my own, I decided I needed more. I needed to be either with a man who wanted to be with me or to be alone. It was a difficult decision and one that was long overdue. The tipping point came at one of our final visits to see our marriage counselor. The counselor suggested that we settle on some kind of “arrangement”, in which we would agree to time apart and I would simply look the other way while Jared went off on some gay Club Med trip. This apparently works for some people. Not for me. With tears streaming down my face I made a vow to myself that I deserved better and Iwould find it.

After twelve years of marriage, two children, and a relocation across the country, Jared and I ended our marriage, but not our family. I was determined to keep my dignity and composure and to have a positive divorce. We told the kids in February of 2002. It was Black History month and the girls were learning about segregation in school. I used that backdrop to make the comparison of discrimination against gay people. I explained to the girls that Daddy was gay. Because we live in a very liberal community where there are lots of gay couples, the girls knew that some people of the same sex are happier being together. However, not everyone is acceptng of gay people which is why their father kept his feelings as secret for so long.  I told them that because we love Daddy we want him to be happy and we have to let him find what is going to make him happy. At first they were worried they would not get to see their father often. They both have friends whose parents were divorced and the dads had moved out of the area. I assured them they could see their father whenenver they wanted to and they do. Although the children live primarily with me they see their father every day when he takes them to school.

About six months after Jared moved out, he met Keith, his life partner to whom he is now married. Shortly after, it was Jared’s birthday. I suggested to Jared that he invite Keith to our house for dinner. I did this for the girls to show an act of solidarity and to give my approval. I wanted the girls to know that it was OK to welcome Keith into their lives. I never wanted them to feel like they had to choose sides or feel guilty about liking him. I also didn’t want hem to worry about me.

The morning of his birthday, Jared met the girls and me at our country club to go swimming. As I watched Jared rough house with the girls in the pool, tossing them in the air and playing Marco Polo, I realized I had never seen him so happy. During our marriage, when I could get him to come with us to the pool, he often sat on the sidelines reading a book, retreating into himself. When I saw how delighted the girls were with his attention, I knew that I made the right decision. I sacrificed my marriage, so that my children could have a father. Later, Keith arrived at the house with gifts in hand for me and the girls. While I got dinner started, Keith and Jared played hopscotch and jumprope outside with the girls. Later, Jared wrote me a lovely thank you email telling me how much he appreciated my generosity and that it was the best birthday he ever had.

Was I always so amicable and giving? No. There were several times I felt such anger and resentment toward Jared that I could have clocked him. I spent many mornings sobbing in the shower. Jared, because of his guilt I guess, put up with a lot of my tirades and sarcastic barbs unti one day he asked me point blank, “How long are you going to punish me? I’ll give you twenty years and then after that the statute of limitations runs out and you have to forgive me.” He sounded like he was joking,but I knew he was serious. I realized at that moment that I was only hurting myself and if the girls sensed my feelings, they would suffer too. I decided from that point on to take stock in my life and acknowledge what was good. I had two wonderful daughters, a beautiful home (which I got to keep in the divorce settlement), I lived in a beautiful place and I had the talent, intelligence and perseverance to start over.

Why did Jared marry me you wonder? I asked him the same question. His answer, besides the fact that he loved me, was that he wanted a family and a conventional lifestyle. When we separated he did right by me and the kids. He gave me the house, padi very generous child and spousal support so I could continue to stay home with the girls while I figured out what I wanted to do since I hadn’t worked in a while. At the time of our divorce, an acquaintance of mine from my kids’ school was also getting a divorce. Her husband left her for another woman and moved to Brazil, but only after he drained their bank accounts. Since he was self-employed he was able to hide his assets and income. She, like me, had been a stay-at-home mom with three kids. Her car was repossessed and her landlord evicted her for non-payment of rent. She was forced to go on public assistance. Now I aks you, which man, my ex-husband or hers, had better family values?

Although I have no regrets about marrying Jared, I know that if he had felt the freedom to live as an openly gay person, who had the rights to marry and have children, we would have never gotten married. This brings me to the topic of same sex marriage and the general acceptance of homosexuality. We, as compassionate and reasonable  people have to dispel this notion that it is wrong to be gay, that homosexuality is a disease that has to be cured or prevented. It is not. Nor is it a choice. It just is. Accept it. By doing so you would save others from experiencing the pain and unhappiness we have had to endure as a result of society’s discrimination against homosexuality.

Carol Shwanda is now remarried as well and chronicles her blended family’s lives and experiences on www.shwanda.com offering hope, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and humor to anyone who is in or about to enter into a blended family. For more information about Carol,  please visit www.shwanda.com or send an email to Carol@shwanda.com.

My Second Mom – by another blended family blogger

I recently read the following post that was written by another blogger who happens to be the product of a divorced family. Her mother and father were divorced, and her father remarried. She wrote the post about her “second mom.” It’s always refreshing to hear from adult children because they provide so much insight regarding how the blended family has and continually affects them.  This provides us with the opportunity to put those assumptions to rest and hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

My Second Mom

Stepfathers – The Unsung Heroes

Stepfathers don’t get enough credit, and because I know at least two that are exceptional, I feel obligated to pay homage to them in this post.

Some stepfathers enter into a second marriage trying to recover old wounds from his own past, build a marriage with his new wife, and settle into his new family with his stepchildren and often times, children from his previous marriage.  Although it is a difficult situation for them, it must be handled with care because their new role can affect many people and many situations. There are those who take this challenge seriously and use their new role to help heal fatherless children. Those individuals deserve praise for stepping in to help raise another man’s child/ren.

The first man that I must honor is my husband who has been in my son’s life since he was 4 years old (he’s now 11). He is “dad” to him in every way that counts, and for the first time since my own father, he has proven to me that being a father is much more than just playing with a child and disciplining him. You can often find my husband picking up and dropping off at school, attending parent-teacher conferences, coaching little league, knowing my son’s favorite foods, watching his favorite shows (even the ones he can’t stand), making him laugh and loving away his pain. He basically does everything a good mother would do. The amazing thing about these types of stepfathers, including my husband, is they are not bound by obligation. Instead, they are with these complicated families by choice. That, in and of itself, is powerful! They make a choice to love us and our child/ren.

The second man that I must recognize in this post is my stepson’s stepfather. Ok…did I confuse you?? Even through all the chaos and turmoil that our respective families face (mostly due to his wife, my husband’s ex-wife), I can not deny that he is a great father. Through numerous conversations with my stepson, it has been revealed to me how much he adores his stepfather. He’s told me about his favorite dish that his stepfather cooks for him. He often picks him up from school. He’s the excited dad in the stands at baseball games. He’s the father who is primarily raising him in his home. Although his wife (my husband’s ex) would like for him to believe that my husband is on some sort of ego trip because another man is raising his son, this couldn’t be further from the truth. My husband actually appreciates the fact that another man can be there, full-time (we live in separate states) because he can’t. I, too, have come to learn, through my stepson, how invaluable this man is to him. Additionally, I realize that it can’t be easy because his wife comes equipped with a lot of emotional baggage. This baggage keeps us bickering, in and out of court, on a regular basis. Yet, through it all, he remains completely devoted, by choice, to this child and his mother. That, alone, deserves a major pat on the back!

One definition of a stepfather is “the man who is married to someone’s mother, but isn’t their real father.”  It makes it sound like these men are more like boys/girls club mentors than they are fathers. Whoever created this definition obviously isn’t or has never had a stepfather because these men are real fathers in every way that counts.

Paula Biscare, Founder of Remarriage, LLC said it best – A stepfather is the man stuck next to you on the freeway on a Friday evening, relentlessly trying to get home to catch his stepson’s umpteenth baseball game this week. He’s the shopper at Wal-Mart at 4 a.m. December 24 trying to snag the last copy of the hottest video game. He’s the neighbor teaching his stepson to hedge the bushes, or his stepdaughter how to parallel park.

Stepfathers listen compassionately to their teenage stepchildren at the dinner table and skip golf on Saturday morning so they can take them to their SATs. They provide endless guidance and leadership, all while silently providing a secure and safe environment for their families. They often take on financial responsibilities, from medical bills, to college and wedding bills, and they do so without complaint.

Some stepfathers are unsung heroes that deserve honor, support, recognition and praise. I will continue to recognize them in my own way, and I hope that all you second and ex-wives and stepchildren take the time to show the stepfather in your lives just how important he is to your family.

The Gameplan

I was watching The Gameplan (a movie about a football player and his 8 year old daughter) this morning. Joe Kingman (the football player) met his daughter (Peyton) for the first time when she was 8 years old.  Peyton’s mom, who died in a car accident, never told Joe about his daughter. The movie is based on Joe meeting, connecting and learning how to be a dad for the first time in his life. Well, towards the end of the movie, Peyton decides that she wants to go back home with her aunt, whom her mother appointed guardianship to. She felt that she might be a distraction for Joe during his football season.  Joe became devastated, and was actually more distracted by her absence than her presence.  At one point, he asked one of his team mates who was also a dad, to tell him what to do, and the advice he gave is the advice I give to my divorced dads.

“Make sure she knows you love her and that nothing is ever going to change that. And when she’s ready, she’ll come to you, ” he said.

I often have this conversation with my husband because his son needs to hear it most. However, my husband fears countering what his mother tells him will cause confusion for his son and raise questions. His mom is often on the other end influencing him, no matter how subtle, to think otherwise. At any rate, I encourage my husband to tell his son everyday how much he loves him and how much he wants him to be with us, so that K isn’t just hearing one side of the story. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would never suggest that a father tear down his ex-wife or baby’s mama in order to accomplish this task, but there is nothing wrong with continuously telling your child how much you love and want him with you. 

And so, divorced dads, I am encouraging you to do the same. I know (for those of you who actually care) that it gets hard at times to keep up the fight to remain an active parent in your child’s life. As I’ve stated before, it’s physically, emotionally and financially draining most of the time, and most importantly, just not fair. However you must remember that one day your ex’s influence over your child won’t be as great. She won’t be able to run interference for long! When that time comes you want your child to have always known how much daddy loves him.  It’s amazing how many fathers actually don’t know what or how to do this so below are a list of tips.

1. Call your child everyday, especially if you don’t see him/her very often! When he/she is sick of you calling, then you know you’re doing a good job keeping in touch.
2. When you do talk to your child make sure you continuously tell him/her how much you love and miss him/her.
3. Make sure that your communication revolves around him/her. Meaning, ask questions about school, teachers, friends, extra curricular activities…
4. If your child is older, make sure you open the floor for his/her questions and be honest with your answers.
5. Send Christmas presenst, birthday presents or just thinking of you presents to constantly remind him/her of your love no matter how near or far you are. These presents don’t have to be huge – just a little something to remind him/her that daddy is still here.
6. Create a presence of your child in your home even if you don’t see him/her very often. Make sure that there are pictures of him/her hanging up with the rest of the family photos. Make sure that there is a place for him/her when they finally do return. If you can’t afford or don’t have enough bedrooms to maintain one in his/her absence, then create a drawer or closet space that is just for him/her and his/her things. Be sure to keep your child’s favorite foods and snacks in your home. Simply put, your child should feel like he or she is a part of the family when he or she is with you. He or she shouldn’t feel like a visitor!

You should do all of this knowing that due to the nature of the situation, your child might not be receptive to you, at first, however, by continuing the above actions, you increase your chances of it getting better in the long run. As stated above, your ex will not be able to run interference forever. At some point, your child will be older, and you will be able to maintain a relationship with him/her that is separate from his/her mother.

My Ex’s New Wife

Before I met my husband’s ex-wife I wanted to believe that she would behave as admirably as I did when my ex remarried, but that didn’t happen. So, if you’re reading this, take note.

Even though my ex and I decided that we would always put our son’s needs first, and work hard to facilitate a relationship with both parents, it was much easier said than done prior to both of us remarrying. At that point, I realized that I was not responsible for facilitating the relationship between my son and his biological father, but he had to be responsible for that. Additionally, I had to put forth my effort into my husband and family, and he had to do the same with his. And, hopefully some way, some day, we could create two households that worked together, but separately, if that makes sense. Well, when my ex remarried it became difficult for me to adhere to my preconceived notion – mainly because my ex went about things totally wrong prior to getting married. Our son was only 3 years old and he hadn’t seen his father in 10 months (remember he plays overseas basketball). My ex popped up one summer with a new woman and said that he was getting married. He sprung this on my son in a 24 hour period. Keep in mind that my son is very young and already confused by the fact that this man, who we tell him is dad, but he hasn’t seen in a year, is all up in his face. But now, he has to deal with the fact that mom and dad aren’t together anymore (we usually lived together once he returned), and not only that, I have a new mom now too. I thought that he would’ve been more sensitive to our son’s feelings. I thought he would’ve talked to him first about the changes that were going to take place, but he did none of that. As such, as you can imagine, I was pretty upset by that because I knew how it would affect not only my son, but the little relationship that they had. My son immediately became standoffish and completely turned off by his father. Not to mention that he didn’t know this new woman who he would now refer to as his stepmom. It was way too overwhelming for a 3 year old.

With that being said, I had a difficult time initially accepting my ex’s new wife. I wondered about her moral character. Didn’t she ask her new husband about his child? Didn’t she wonder if he had told him about her? Why would she want to enter into a family on these types of terms? From there, I began to question how this type of person would be toward my son since neither of them were being the least bit sensitive to his needs and feelings. However, I did this without even talking to the woman, and I must admit I was wrong. I finally realized that I might as well accept this new family structure because it wasn’t going away. At that point I began to make a concerted effort to see the good qualities in his new wife, and I was pleasantly surprised. His new wife had an amazingly positive impact on both my ex and my son’s life. My ex began sending birthday and Christmas presents when she came into his life. She was surprisingly nurturing and loving with my son. As a matter of fact, my son has a better relationship with her than he does with his biological father. I am so grateful that he chose someone like her. Having said that, I don’t want to lead you to believe that we agree on everything, we don’t. But, our respect for one another is mutual. I respect the fact that some of her decisions are based solely on what’s best for her family and vice versa.

At any rate, after 7 years she and I not only communicate much better, but we understand each other better too or at least we make an effort to do so. It’s been a learning process for me because after a careful self-examination I had to realize that I was beginning to do to her what many do to second wives, and that is to use her as a scapegoat for my issues. I quickly had to do a reality check, and remember my tough position as a second wife to my husband. I had to recognize the fact that she would be the one comforting at bed time, fixing my son’s favorite meals, transporting him to certain activities, and attending school functions, and she does all of that and much more. As such, I had to give her the respect as the mother figure in my son’s life that I have been demanding in my life as a second wife and stepmother.

Although we haven’t completely worked out all of the kinks on this side of my blended family, it has gotten soooo much better over the years. Once again, I am grateful that my ex picked a woman that has enough patience, grace and intelligence to handle the many obstacles that a blended family faces. I must also pat myself on the back for seeing past all the bad mistakes that my ex made to find some of the good that now exist within our blended family.

Don’t Flatter Yourself

The most interesting thing about ME writing on the subject of first and second wives is that I can write from both perspectives. I am married to someone who has a child with his ex-wife, and I have a child with someone else. Although I wasn’t married to my ex, we were together for nearly 6 years, and lived like husband and wife. My experience being a first “wife” coupled with my conversations with other first wives led me to write this post.

I usually write from the standpoint of being a second wife because that causes the most chaos in my blended family. However, as previously stated, I don’t want to imply that all of my blended family issues are unilateral because they’re not. My ex and I definitely have our share of communication issues as well.

For example, I still can’t believe that after 7 years of being married to other people that this is even an issue, but he still seems to think that all of my concerns regarding our son somehow revolve around him. Fellas, let me clue you in on something, all of our decisions, concerns, questions or anything else regarding our child is not because we want you so don’t flatter yourself. Please know that because we share a child we still have to discuss certain things even though we are not together. This means I can question your whereabouts if you have my child with you. It also means that you do have to call me if you’re going to be late either picking him up or dropping him off. It even means that I might have to occasionally discuss money issues with you as well. I know that it’s difficult to grasp because seemingly we still have to do many things that husbands and wives do, such as the above-mentioned. However, it is necessary when you share a child.

My ex and I actually had to go to court over these types of issues because I couldn’t get him to understand that all of our communication was not about him. My ex is an overseas basketball player who lives out of the country for about 10 months out of every year. And, often times he would just pop up in town one day asking to see his son. He failed to realize that we just don’t sit around waiting on him all year long, and our life actually does continue in his absence. As such, I would often sign him up for summer camp because I didn’t know when he was coming in town (he never arrived at the same time every year), and our son had to go somewhere while my husband and I were at work. Well, he got really upset by the fact that I had signed him up for summer camp during his visitation. So, I told him that he had to let me know when he was coming to town, and he couldn’t let me know 2 days before his arrival. He told me that we were no longer together, and he didn’t have to check in with me anymore. I responded by telling him that it isn’t checking in, it’s called being considerate of other people besides yourself. It turns out that the Judge agreed with me, and ordered him to give 60 days advanced noticed upon his arrival or visitation would be at my discretion.

It seems as if everything I do and say, in my ex’s eyes, is because I’m secretly longing to be back with him. Never mind that fact that I am and have been happily remarried for the last 7 years. I love, and more importantly, respect my husband because his love for both my son and I is unconditional. He has been my biggest fan, supporter and best friend for the last 7 years. We have a wonderful relationship that most of my friends and even some strangers admire. So, why in the world would I want to trade in what I have now for what I use to have? My ex and I parted ways because he was selfish…everything was about him and his career. He was a cheater, and although I never caught him, we spent 10 months out of every year, for 3 years, in different countries, I’m not stupid. Not to mention that he was a horrible father, who never spent any time with our son when he wasn’t playing basketball. Instead he chose to spend time with his boys and anything else that didn’t entail being a father. So again, why would I trade in what I have now for I used to have with him???

My ex never wants to take responsibility for his actions. Instead, it’s easier for him to just blame me for everything. At one point when he returned from overseas my son wanted nothing to do with him. He didn’t want to go over his house let alone have overnight visitation with him. And even to this very day, my son is still not completely comfortable with his biological father. He still doesn’t want to spend the night or have frequent summer visitation with him. Of course, my ex has concluded that it’s because I am influencing my son due to my bitterness of not being able to be with him…yeah right, that makes sense. It has nothing to do with the fact that he has been living overseas for 10 months out of the year ever since my son was in the womb, and therefore they have not spent enough time together to develop a relationship.

As I’ve stated in many of my articles, at some point in the blended family everyone has to let go of their past. Men if you’re still accusing your ex-wives of wanting you, then you have not let go. Contrary to what you may believe, the world does not revolve around you. And, even if your ex does feel that way, you must find a way to always make it about the child that you share together instead of focusing on your old relationship. If you do anything else, you’re doing an injustice to your child. Your child deserves two parents that can communicate and coexist like adults. Whatever happened in the past or whatever feelings you may have had in the past should stay there. It truly doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is raising healthy, happy and well-adjusted children.

« Previous Page