How to Have Healthy Arguments in Your Marriage

It has been proven time and time again that no real relationship or marriage exists without healthy argument and disagreements.  All humans are different and have different opinions and views and this certainly applies in today’s modern families.  Marriages are not exempt.  Differences, although can be looked at from a negative point of view, are actually healthy and build character in your marriage.  Of course, as long as these differences/disagreements are not something that cause irreversible harm and/or discord.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think by ignoring their problems or brushing them under the rug, that time or the absence of discussion about them will keep them from resurfacing.  However, the exact opposite is true.  Silencing yourself, pushing your feelings and problems under the rug will only enhance them.  It will not only be the cause of their resurfacing, but the cause of them exploding into something much worse!

When issues arise, being objective is key to overcoming problems.  In my work, it is often easy for me to listen to a couple and pretty much immediately point out exactly what is going on between them and whether or not it is something they are going to be able to work out.   At times, to them, it seems that I can even understand their relationship better than they can.   How…you might ask?  Simply, my point of view of their relationship is objective and not personal as it is with them.   As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.“  The key word being “objective.”

In every relationship, each person not only deserves to have their point of view validated when issues arise but also they deserve to know that their opinions matter to their spouse.   For example, you and your spouse are in an argument because your husband comes home, immediately gets his newspaper and beer and for the next hour ignores everyone and everything around him. He even gets upset when you interrupt him because you have supper on the table.  When communicating your feelings, you might begin with “I understand that reading is very relaxing for you but we haven’t seen one another all day and when we don’t eat together, I feel disconnected from you,”  instead of immediately going for the jugular with “You grabbing the paper and ignoring me is pissing me off.”   Being a little empathetic to your spouse’s reason for his/her behavior goes a long way.

A great tool in communication is empathy.  Try walking in your partners shoes (or thinking about it that way) when a situation arises.  Separating yourself and your marriage from the problem at hand is a good start.  When things are stalled, ask your partner “What can WE do to change this?“  Think of ways around what you are arguing about and sometimes, just simply agreeing to disagree on an issue is enough.  This simple step can be applied in your blended family environment as well.

Another great tool to use is to adopt a bit of flexibility when you are having disagreements, especially if you have been known to be on the stubborn side at times.  When you are willing to give a little bit and take a little bit, you will find that your spouse will be inclined to do the same.

Learning the art of being objective, flexible, empathetic and respectful with your spouse are valuable lessons in creating productive communication through disagreement, and of which will carry the two of you for a lifetime.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stress Management – Get a Grip on the Things that Give You Grief!

Long day…….THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!

Worked, ran 50 errands, taxied my son to and from soccer practice, cooked, cleaned, ran back to the grocery store for the bag I forgot…..day in and day out, the same old routine.  Life can be hectic and overwhelming and can even attribute to an unhealthy physical well-being.

There is a lot you can do to relieve stress if you allow, prepare and train yourself to give yourself the well deserved “ME” time.

Here are a few ideas I read in last months Family Circle magazine, incorporated with a few of my own, to help alleviate some of the stress:

1. Meditate — When thoughts are racing out-of-control, imagine a clock ticking through the minutes and remind yourself “and this too shall pass!”
2. Adopt a space everyday (I do 30 minutes) on your calendar for “ME” time, whether you soak in a bathtub, take a walk, curl up on your bed with a warm blanket and a book, that time is all yours.
3. Do not say “yes” to every party or event or to everything and everyone in your life.  If it does not enrich your life, you should have no problem turning it down.
4. Give yourself “pep talks.”  Repeat self-affirming phrases.  When something is getting me down, for example, I often refer to religious phrases like, “Victory is Mine.”  Make your affirmations a part of your daily routine.
5. Exercise!!!  I walk, or try to, everyday at lunch.  Exercise relieves tension.
6. Do a good deed for someone.  This is the best way to feel good and heal when you are over-stressed.  It allows you to focus on something other than your daily stresses.  Examples can be sending an e-card, dropping off a donation, call a friend to see how they are doing or drop a line to a relative.

Try these tips….just 30 minutes….it will work wonders!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Skin Cancer Awareness Month – Protect the skin you’re in!

May is Skin Cancer Awareness Month and for a few years, it’s been a cause that has been close to my heart, and ironically it’s relevant to BFSO. Below is my story.

I met Tricia Elaine Black, affectionately known as Teb, in elementary school. I remember her possessing this beautiful spirit, even at age 8, that you just couldn’t help but love. She had a quiet confidence that I secretly admired. She was ALWAYS smiling and she had an innate gift to always get you to see the brighter side of things. After elementary school we both went to different middle schools, so we lost touch; however, we met again in our high school drama class.

I realized that Tricia had not changed one bit. She was still a compassionate, beautiful, sweet, but strong young woman AND she still wore that contagious smile. One day, in drama class, we had an assignment to deliver a touching, dramatic, original monologue. I decided to do mine based on the recent loss of a neighborhood friend. The entire class was in tears, including Tricia. But it was what happened afterwards that was deeply touching and classic Tricia. She came over to me, gave me a big ole’ hug and said, “If you ever need someone to listen or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you.” I hope she knew the impact that she had on me.

After high school, we lost touch once again, but we also found each other once again. Actually, I was looking for her because I wanted to tell her how the way she lived her life stuck with me over all these years. To my surprise, I found her on the internet. Below is what I found:

Teb’s Troops is a not-for-profit organization started after Tricia E. Black, or “teb” as she was known by her friends and family, was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic melanoma. At the time of her diagnosis, teb was 29 years old and living in Indianapolis, Indiana with her husband, Michael, and 9-month-old son, Sam. Wanting to rally her “troops” during her war with cancer and desiring to make something positive come from the negative, teb asked her friends to help her design and sell a bracelet, the profits of which would go to organizations that support the treatment, prevention, and research of cancer, including melanoma. We are now asking you to enlist as one of her troops by purchasing a Teb’s Troops bracelet to show your support the fight against cancer.

My mouth hit the floor and my heart immediately followed. Why? “Why do bad things always happen to good people,” I asked. After that, I sprung into action because that what she would do. I called one of the founders of Teb’s Troops to see what I could do to help. She said they were planning an event to raise money for cancer research and I could help by raising awareness. That I could do. As a Senior Manager of a full-service marketing agency, I convinced the partners to take this client on pro bono. Eventually, I got FOX 59 interested in Teb’s story. The day of the interview I finally got to see Tricia again. When I walked through her door, I was speechless and literally paralyzed with shock because she didn’t look like the same Tricia. The energetic and strong woman that I had known all of these years just didn’t look the same. She could barely walk and appeared very weak and frail. I wanted to hug her, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I wanted to say how sorry I was, but I knew that she wasn’t pitying herself. So, I just didn’t know what to do. I left that day with tears in my eyes, asking myself the very question I had posed months before, Why her??

Sadly, Tricia Elaine Black lost her battle to skin cancer on July 11, 2006, a little over a year after she was diagnosed. She left behind a loving husband, whom she referred to as the love of her life and beautiful son, whom she called the light of her life. Although it pains me to know that I never got a chance to tell Tricia about the positive effect that she had on my life, I am so grateful to have known such a wonderful person, and I will continue to spread the word about skin cancer in her honor.

BFSO readers, please protect the skin you’re in. Below are some tips that just might save your life.

1. Protect yourself with sunscreen and hats – they dramatically lower your chance for skin cancer.
2. Be sun smart – don’t just bake in the sun for the sake of it.
3. Avoid tanning beds as they increase your chances of skin cancer by 75%!!!
4. If you see some changes in your skin, get to your doctor immediately. Early detection can mean saving your life.

For more information on skin cancer or to support the cause and Teb’s Troops, please click here.

Balance & the Blended Family by Diane Greene

Blended families are hard enough….especially when everyone is learning how to balance their new lives together.  This includes mothers, fathers, step-fathers, step-moms and the children as well.  Everyone has their own way of finding their balance and where they fit into the blended family. 

Most of the time, the children are the ones that have the hardest time finding balance.  In some of my readings, I have seen it described as a game of “musical chairs” because most of the time, the children are required to move into a new position and that takes major adjustment.  For example, my step-daughter is the oldest child in her mother and step-father’s household.  In our household, she is the second to the baby of the family.  Therefore, she goes from having more responsibility at her mother’s home to just keeping her room clean at our house.   So as you can see, she, upon returning to her mother’s home, has to make adjustments that I am sure she doesn’t always like (i.e., being the big sister, chores, helping mom, etc.)  but at the same time, are just part of life as an oldest child.  Although we try to maintain that balance for her, that music never stops for her and her life doesn’t stop changing from week to week and I am sure that it is hard for her at times as it is at times for all members of the blended family.

The trick is to maintain a semblance of balance.   The following are some ideas that you can use to help maintain that balance:

1.  Suggest to your husband or wife some special alone time with his/her child (i.e., take him/her out for lunch, movie, etc.) without you once in a while.  And you do the same with your child or children. 

2.  Continue to take notice of their special accomplishments and make sure they know you are keeping up with all of them (i.e., grades, choir recitals, soccer and volleyball games, etc.).

3.  To say your love for your child or step-child is unconditional is easy, but it is also easy to be looked over at times.   Show them physical attention.  Hugs are so important (YES, even for boys).  When I had my oldest son (now 21), the nurse at the hospital told me that human touch is the most powerful tool of  communication  you can have with your child (and stepchild).  Hug them often, sit together, give them high-fives and tell them you are proud of them for no reason. 

4.  Listen to your children and step-children.  Make sure they know they can come to you and that you are open-minded to their suggestions and feelings.  Sometimes children of blended families will seek your approval for little things because they may have insecurities or jealousies about your new family.  Make sure they know your love is not performance-based but unconditional.

I married a man who had one child.  I have 3.  So, my step-daughter obviously had to make the most adjustments in our blended family.  When she comes to our home, she deals with 3 brothers.  When she goes home, she has 2 little sisters that she has to make adjustments with as well.  I try to make it a point to make her transition smooth when coming to our home because she is the only girl and a “daddy’s girl” at that. 

No matter what our agenda is for that day of the week or the weekend, I try to make sure that my step-daughter has that very important alone time with her father, even if it’s something as simple as watching a television show with him alone.  I do this in subtle ways where not even my husband picks up on it at times.  This is one thing I do to create that balance for her. 

It takes a lot of hard work and time to build a balanced blended family but when it happens, it will be one of the most rewarding and strengthening experiences you can ever have. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Forgotten Stepson

It’s been quite a while since we’ve seen K. We hear from him everyday, but it’s been a long time (over a year) since we’ve seen him. Although we miss him terribly, it gets easier and easier as the time passes. It’s sad that we’re getting used to not having him around. Honestly, you can only cry, fight and throw childlike tantrums for so long. At some point you just have to move on with your life and that’s what we’ve decided to do. Even my husband is getting used to not seeing him. It’s getting to the point that I’m uncertain as to how our family will adjust when and if he does come back to our home. It’ll sort of be like we’re adopting an older child who is coming to live with us for the first time. So much has changed since we’ve seen him and I’m sure he has changed as well. It will be like learning each other all over again. I wish his mother knew how her actions may have totally changed the bond that we’ve formed as a family, and how that will affect not only us collectively, but her child, individually.

The Second Wife’s Perspective

It is so hard to put into words what I felt when I read J’s entry below because I feel the same way and more. Although, I know that many of you reading this blog  might think “Wow, that is too good to be true…..they must be making this up.” But, we’re not. I have often heard from co-workers and even other friends of mine that my relationship with my husband’s ex-wife is odd, peculiar, too close for comfort and even weird. That how could I be best friends with my husband’s ex-wife. Some of you may be thinking the same way. My answer to all of these is this…. Why shouldn’t we? I think other people are the weird, peculiar and odd ones to NOT have a good relationship with their current husband’s ex, especially when there are children involved. I believe that a lot of mothers and step-mothers have insecurity problems and that is the root to a lot of broken marriages and failed friendships. For those of you who try hard to establish good relationships with your husband’s ex’s or current wife with no good return, then that is the other person’s loss, for sure, but keep trying. No good deed goes unnoticed in the eyes of God.

In our case, I couldn’t be more proud of the relationship that J and I have. Before my husband and I married, we all decided to be on one accord – one family. As we often say, “We don’t do steppers in our family.”  The most important person between the four of us is our daughter. She is the most caring, loving, kind-hearted little girl that I have ever met, and all of those qualities are a reflection of her mother. She is the exact same way. Our daughter has 2 little sisters by way of her mother’s current marriage. Those girls are my girls too, and I don’t care what people say. If you don’t get anything out of our story, get this….CHILDREN LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN. I believe we are teaching and bringing them up the way God would want us to. We are showing them that just because divorce has been one part of their lives; it doesn’t have to ruin their lives or their relationships with their parents and step-parents. Step-parents don’t have to be the enemy and our daughter doesn’t have to be pulled between us or feel guilty for loving all of us. I know that I am not her mother. I know that I would never ever try to fill those shoes. But, I also know that I am what God wants me to be in her life, and I will be there for her as a standing rock to which she can depend on, no matter what. I will always do what is best for her. I believe if mothers and step-mothers will allow themselves to open up and know these things about one another, they too can have what we have. Of course, there are those few crackpots out there that shouldn’t have children or be around children and those we cannot change, only pray for.

I have three boys. Two of which are over 18 and one who is 9. When I was pregnant with my nine year old, I lost my children’s biological father/my husband in a motorcycle accident. God led me to move away to a new city to start my life anew. I met my current husband when my little boy was 8 months old. We didn’t marry until he was 5.  Although my son knows that his biological father lives in Heaven, he has only known my current husband to be daddy. My step-daughter is only 14 months older than my little boy so they are very close. I used to worry in the beginning that she would feel like my son gets her daddy all the time and she doesn’t. My worries were for nothing. She shares her daddy with an open heart and open arms. She is so unselfish. She is the big sister that my little boy needed. She watches out for him just as she does her own little sisters at home. She is a brilliant young lady and God has DIVINELY blessed me by putting her in my life.

I came from a broken home. My parents were selfish at times for whatever reasons, i.e., my dad was young and my mom was bitter. They divorced when I was 6 years old.  I will never forget my father seeing us off at the airport in Alaska because my mom was taking us to live with my grandparents in Atlanta, and he was crying while waving goodbye.  My dad later married a lady named Carol and she was a horrible step-mother. She emotionally battered me from the time summer started until the day it ended. It may not have seemed that bad to my Dad but, his mind was clouded. To a 10 year old, however, it was more than bad, it was horrific!  Needless to say, the last time I saw her was thankfully that summer when I was ten.  She only thought about herself and not the children she was affecting. She would say bad things about my mother, she was abusive and she made it clear that my father was her husband and now her childrens’ step-father.  We were just visitors and she made sure we knew it.  She caused a lot of the kind of drama that I see happening all the time in my adult life with my other friends who are divorced, and some of you readers have experienced the same.  THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN, my dad divorced her but unfortunately, my mom alienated us from my dad after that, and I didn’t see him again until I was in the 8th grade. However, in my mother’s defense, she was doing that with the premise that she was protecting us and always did the best job she could.  So, I can relate to a lot of issues that children of divorced parents go through.  A shining light, however, is that my dad married a wonderful woman years later, named Dean, and I now have a step-mother that I cherish.  She is a strong woman and has taught me a lot about being a step-mother.  She is a quiet teacher.  She let us come to her on our own terms and didn’t force herself on us.  That was a great lesson and one that I implement with my step-daughter.  I vowed that if I ever had a step-child, I would NEVER become that kind of person like Carol.  I never want my step-daughter to ever feel about me the way I felt about Carol.

You know, I guess my final words would be that I hope our story has inspired some of you moms and step-moms, dads and step-dads to do your best to try to make your children’s lives better instead of more complicated. It’s all about RESPECT. I respect my step-daughter’s mother and her husband. I respect my husband. I respect MYSELF and by all of us having respect for one another, it makes life for all of us less confusing and teaches our children humility.  Most importantly, if our children ever become step-parents one day they will have a great example to go by.

I am not saying that our family’s road map doesn’t have bumps and bruises along the way. We aren’t perfect. There are times when we disagree, but work really hard to see each others’ point of view.

I guess I also would say try not to judge so harshly if you are a step-mother or a current wife of a man who has an ex-wife or baby’s mama. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see through her eyes. How would you want your children treated, if you were in the same situation? How would you want to be treated? If you are an ex-wife of a man who is remarried and you two share a child together, don’t automatically think that the new wife has to be the enemy. She will be the one taking care of your children when you aren’t around. How you see her in your eyes means more than you think it does. She can really end up being an ally, a comrade to you. She may even end up being your best friend……Be blessed.

An Ex-Wife’s Perspective

Where do I begin, with how bad I feel for the women out there who have this family drama in their lives? As women, we need to stick together and build each other up or no one else will. Men are wonderful companions, but there is nothing like the true friendship of another woman. We understand where each other is coming from and our feelings come from a place of sincerity and love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband but there are just some instances when my girlfriend can give me a better perspective on the situation.

In my case, my best friend is my daughter’s step-mother. Yes, that means my ex-husband’s wife! I have been blessed to have this woman in my life and in the life of my daughter. There comes a time in your life when you have to realize, as hard as it is, that it is not always about YOU. It is about your children. My ex-husband and I had been divorced for about 5 years before I got re-married and he did as well. He and I have had our differences (obviously because we are divorced), but in the end it all comes down to what is best for our daughter. I do have to say our choices of spouses fit us both much better and make each of our homes better for her.

The friendship I have with my daughter’s step-mother is unusual and we get plenty of questions and looks and confusion abounds. “How can you be friends with someone who is married to your ex?” is an obvious one. My answer is that it is easy to be her friend. She is such a wonderful person, who would want to miss out on an opportunity to have friendship and support in their lives just because of who they are married to? Another answer to that question is that I have no romantic or emotional feelings for my ex-husband. Most of the problems women have in these types of scenarios is that they are in some way still attached or want to be with their ex. Some will never admit it but it comes out one way or another. And, one way it does rear its ugly head is in the form of jealousy. That is why some women are unable to be friends or even have a civil conversation with the other woman involved, be it a girlfriend or second wife.

I remember trying to find a minister or pastor to marry my current husband and I. I belonged to a church but he didn’t and he didn’t agree with my pastor and so on. So I was on the hunt for someone to marry us. I had an appointment at this one church to speak with the pastor. Little did I know they had a policy that you had to have counseling before they would begin to speak with you about getting married—counseling for those who had been divorced that is. So, I sat and listened and answered all of the Pastor’s questions politely while thinking to myself the whole time, “what does this have to do with me getting married a second time?” At the end of the session he says to me “I believe from all you have told me that you are completely over your ex-husband. I would be happy to be a part of your ceremony this time around”. Again I was thinking what is going on? Of course I was over my ex-husband. I love my husband now more than ever. My point to this story is that sometimes it takes another perspective for you to realize the truth about yourself. Your truth may come to be different than mine. You may find you have unresolved feelings for your ex and that is why you feel bitterness, resentment, anger, etc. for him and for his new wife or girlfriend. Just food for thought.

At any rate, I truly don’t know what I would do without her in my life. The positives far outweigh the negatives (if any) in our friendship. How nice it is for me to never worry about my daughter when she is over at her dad’s? I know if she can’t be with me, that my best friend is there to take care of her. There was a time when my ex-husband wasn’t married and if he had my daughter for the weekend, I did not sleep—at all—until my baby came home Sunday night. Not only does my best friend love my daughter I share with my ex-husband but she loves all three of my girls. They both do! My two little ones go over to their house and play and they baby sit for my husband and I. Again, I trust them both with my most precious gifts—my girls. My girls love them too and they only see the positive side of our situation. They don’t yet understand divorce and that my oldest daughter has a different dad. They look at it as my oldest has two dads and two moms—how great is that?

Soccer games, parent/teacher conferences, school plays, graduations, etc. get crowded with all of us, but I believe that people who think we are strange, don’t understand how much we are helping our kids. On Father’s Day we have made it a tradition that we all spend it together so no one has to choose between anyone. My daughter loves and adores her father and my husband has never tried to take his place. She is one to not want to hurt anyone’s feelings and my husband has loved her like his own from day one. Mother’s Day, we split too. No one is threatened, no one is jealous because we all are secure and confident in ourselves, our children, and our situation. My husband and my ex-husband play basketball and X-box together, too.

On top of this, my best friend has three boys she bravely raised on her own before she met her husband. Her youngest son never knew his biological father and my ex-husband has raised him as his own and we respect him for stepping up to take that role seriously. I love all of her boys too. We share birthdays, holidays, school events, births, deaths, etc. all together. How can that ever be a bad or weird thing? The more support and love you have in your life the richer your life will be.

Blended Family Soap Opera is growing!

Hello Readers,

Blended Family Soap Opera (BFSO) has added two new cast members! An ex-wife and second wife, who are…get this…actually best friends!!! I am so excited to have them on board as I believe that they will offer a perspective on the blended family that is so refreshing. They’ve had years of blended family experience and have managed to work out the kinks enough to develop solid friendships within their family unit. How wonderful is that? Check out our About Us page to learn more about these two. As always, thanks for reading and your comments and questions are always so greatly appreciated.

Dialogue Promotes Change

I am one who firmly believes that dialogue, positive or negative, promotes change. If I want to resolve an issue, then it is important, to me, to find out what’s on that other person’s mind. I want to know why he or she has made the decisions that they’ve made. I want to know how that other person is feeling. I want to know how we can try to understand each other to resolve our issues. It may not lead to achieving consensus, but it certainly can shed some light on what that other person is thinking.

I recently had the opportunity to put my theory (dialogue promotes change) to the test. I posted my Wives War article on my Charly Magazine blog (www.thecharlymag.wordpress.com) and it gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with an ex-wife. She wasn’t too happy about the content of that article. She felt as if it gave ex-wives a bad name and she let me know. What started off as a tongue lashing between her (representing the ex-wives) and I (representing the second wives) ended up as what I’ll call a “change experience.” She began to listen to me and I to her and it sparked a bit of understanding on both of our parts. It also raised many questions that I hadn’t even thought of.

I posted some of our conversation below. As you read these very real thoughts and opinions regarding blended families, try to figure out who you might identify with. Perhaps you understand both of our positions.

A conversation between an ex and a second wife!

Amy Says:
August 11, 2008 at 2:56 pm e

I always enjoy reading perspectives, but I hate the bouncing back and forth of control. It seems we can find a justification for our actions around ever corner and it changes with every new perspective. Come on, I am all for step-parents, but when it comes down to it and the decisions need to be made….Step-up or step-aside! I am a pretty open minded woman, I divorced my husband, NOT my kids. She married my husband, NOT my kids. Kids are an extra bonus, but they are not and never will be her children. IF she is lucky and treats them with respect and kindness, they will love her and she will be a welcome adult in their life, but that is it.

WE all have to work out something that works so the kids can have the best chance at growing up well adjusted, but that does not mean that the ex-wive should just step aside and let step-mom take over or that step-moms should be treated with kid gloves. We are adults here. I keep hearing how we, as Bio parents, made the choice to divorce so we should just take responsibility for our choice, well ya know what, step-parents CHOSE to marry a man with children and all the mayhem that comes with hit. Child like or not, it is reality. I am the mom, I was here before, during, and I will be here after, I am not going away, and if you want life to be okay then WE need to work things out, not just ME or YOU… WE. If she wants to be included, fine and great, but it is a voice, NOT the final say. If she wants to argue her point well then get ready for a brawl. STEP. Step-up or step-aside

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm e

Hi Amy,

While I completely respect your opinion as it is something that I have heard before from ex-wives, I must say that I don’t totally agree. It seems to me that you are assuming that (like most other ex-wives that I know) that stepmothers are trying to replace you when this is not the case at all. I wish that more of you would stop viewing us as some sort of threat instead of viewing us as an added bonus. No matter what you choose to think; we are the ones taking care of YOUR children when they are in OUR home. By default, this makes us automatically included in most decisions. Not to mention that we are married to your ex-husbands!! Don’t you expect your husband to include you in all of the decisions that either affect your household or will affect you?? Well, it is no different with stepmoms and second wives. We don’t expect you to step aside, believe me, we know that we are going to have to deal with you for the rest of our lives. It is a decision that we made prior to marrying our wonderful husbands. I just wish those dealings could be a little more pleasant. Just like you aren’t going anywhere, we aren’t either!! Just like we better get used to you, you better get used to us! Do you see how it works both ways??

And for you to say that YOUR children will never be her children is unfortunate; because you are automatically cheating your children out of the love that us step parents can give. We are just as much their parental figures as you are. Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and read some of my posts that were submitted by step children! These children think of their step parents as PARENTS and nothing less. Please don’t cheat your children out this opportunity because of something that you may be feeling. YOU MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! Often times when we try to speak for our children, we turn out to be totally wrong. Allow them to speak for themselves!

We are fully aware that you divorced your husband and not your children. But, when you make that decision, you must know that there is an enormous possibility that your ex will remarry; when he does, you must make room for someone else. She is his wife and expects that same out of him that you did when you were married to him. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. If you are really interested in EVERYBODY WORKING TOGETHER, then the first step is to rid yourself of this childlike mentality that keeps you believing that everything is about you – it’s not! It is and should continually be about the children. It’s disheartening to always hear ex-wives talk about how it’s all about the children, yet all of your complaints regarding second wives are about how they make YOU, NOT YOUR CHILDREN, feel!

Final thought – most of us have stepped up. We make a choice to love and care for your children. Instead of continually trying to degrade us, try actually working with the step mom in your life so that you can raise healthy, well-adjusted children.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:17 am e

Our son loves his step-mom, I would never ever get in the way of that. I just get sick of hearing it one way or the other. It has got to be BOTH, not mom or step-mom alone. To be honest in my case after seeing dad move 2 or 3 woman in and out of his home, it was a GOD send when this last woman decided to stay. It takes time though to realize that it is forever. In our case it had a lot more to do with DADs immaturity that poor step-mom just happen to walk in to a volitile relationship. I don’t even know if it was her “choice” Dad didn’t even know her on and off for a year while dating other woman and got her pregnant and moved her in within 3 weeks and married her a month later. Sorry if I don’t see that as permenant! It is going to take time.

I guess I look at it as any TEAM. If I were the Starter and go to person on the team and some freshman popped in all cocky and started trying to push her weight around and exert her authority, I would have a problem. now if this freshman came in and quietly introduced herself and then performed well for the team, I would have little problem, as it is for the bettermeant of the team, but I’ll be damned if I would just role over for some kid that is all talk.

Each situation is different. In ours it started out rough, but through MY patience and understanding of her position, things are calming down. I was put down like you wouldn’t believe, by both my ExH and her; for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know who this woman was who was moved into our son’s life. Our son was crying to come home all the time, how the hell was I supposed to know she was okay, and then she started in on me. Oh I was furious!

Like I said with the annalogy, if she had come in with an air of cooperation and allowed time to take it’s course I would have been fine, I was thrilled a the thought of the line of women in and out ending! But she pushed herself in and I did not respect that! Believe me, i would rather have a woman in that houselhold! At least I have some peace of mind!

So before you go generalizing about my thoughts, please Know my situation. I just sat through two wonderful performances of our child, with MY parents… where were Dad and Stepmom?

And as far as how our child feels, he is a happy go lucky well adjusted kid. He loves his dad and I have encouraged his relationships with both dad and step-mom and his new little brother and will continue to do so.

I work with her as much as she will allow me to. She is included in everything. Just because I state an opion does not mean I do not do what is right. Talk is talk. Doing what is right is a whole other story. I walk the walk every day.

So don’t get on some high horse acting like all ex-wives are the evil vilans and you might want to switch the name son your own post, as if it were from me, and rethink who is childish. I think I could agree we both are, but I am definiately not alone here.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:58 am e

Hi Amy,

I certainly didn’t mean to generalize, but I when it comes situations such as this (blended family) it kind of becomes personal. Like you don’t know mine, I don’t know your situation. I can only go off of personal experience. In my experience, I was and am continually beat down as a second wife and step mom. My husband and I have known each other since I was 14 years old. We dated for nearly 3 years prior to getting married, and we’ve been married for 4 years. In my case, it certainly wasn’t a sudden marriage that caught her by surprise. But like you mentioned in your first comment, she automatically thougth that I was trying to replace or even nix her altogether. I was just trying to convey to you that this often times isn’t the case with step moms. The days of the “evil stepmother” have withered away. Just because we desire and deserve to build a relationship with our husbands and children (including stepchildren) that are independent of you, doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize your presence and position in all of our lives.

Let me also say that I am also an ex (I have a child with someone who I spent 6 years with), so I completely understand (to a certain extent) the position of some ex-wives. It’s painful because you have to view apart of your child’s life from a distance. You have to allow him to have his time with the other side of his family, without you. It’s difficult because you are used to and always thought that you’d share every thing and every moment with this child; but not you have to let go a little earlier than you thought. And you have to trust these other people with your child. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE HOW HARD THIS CAN BE! But, it is something that must be done. When I realized this, stepped back and allowed my son to develop a relationship with his stepmother, I was overjoyed with the outcome. I would never tell her that he will never be HER child, especially if she’s willing to take that position in his life. I nearly cried when he came home for the first time, professing his love for his new mom. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew he was okay over there. I didn’t accuse her of trying to take my place.

Having said all that, Amy, I completely understand where you’re coming from, too. Mainly because my situation with my ex and his new wife didn’t start off that way. Like your ex, he only knew her for a short time (3 months) before they got pregnant and married! My son also called crying to come home on several occasions and I went to pick my baby up – EVERY TIME! Like you, the new wife and my ex tried to accuse me of probably the same thing that they accused you of. But it didn’t matter because my main objective was protecting my son, and at the time, I didn’t feel like it was their main objective. Needless to say, we didn’t start working together as parents until I felt that they both had his best interest at heart, and not before. I felt as if this was my responsibility as his parent.

And so, I am not on some high horse at all, Amy. I don’t think I am being or have been childish at all. My article is a reaction based on my experience. This is MY personal testimony (just as your story is yours). If it doesn’t apply to you, then so be it. But like me, I know plenty of step mothers who can relate to my testimony.

I’m glad that your child is happy and well-adjusted, and I hope that you continue to put your feelings (no matter how justified) aside in order to work with your exH and his wife.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:44 pm e

okay, so you are not child like at all I apologize for my rant. Thank you for sharing your story.

I do want to let you know, that I am also trying hard to change the role of blended families… where and when it is safe to do so.

Do you think that the whole mom/step-mom debate takes responsibility away from dad? Sometimes it seems as if it is all about mom and step-mom and we end up raising the child, while dad kicks back and watches.

Honestly I think my own beef with “step-mom” comes from the father’s rights and shared parenting initiatives. As much as I agree all parents being involved can be a wonderful thing, I have seen a lot of hurt come from these initiatives. Almost the reverse. It seems like we are turning the tables… It seems that right now, there is little about the benefit of moms, but here is so much literature on how important dads and step-partents are in the kids lives.

I am just wondering if I am alone in seeing the trend. It always seems like the best way to change things is through action, by simply being a good mom/dad/step-parent/etc and giving each realtionship time.

I believe in empowerment as long as it is not power over. I don’t believe anyone has an advantage on parenting, but I do belive that a child has the right to have a permanent schedule that will not have to be taken back in to court every other year to change. If it is working, why change it?

Anyway, thanks for the responses, I have a lot to think about.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm e

You know what, Amy, I completely agree with you. Little emphasis is placed on what dad needs to be doing; which is why I try my best to draw attention to these issues as well through my personal blog – http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am on both sides of the fence, and believe me, I have PLENTY of issues with my ex and his approach to parenting.

I’m not so sure I agree, however, that giving each relationship time works – it hasn’t for me. I have been with my husband for 7 years and his ex is still bitter about something. When I initially came into this relationship, I tried to take a backseat, but it was hard to do so. Especially since I was the primary caregiver for HER (continually reminds me of this) child when he was in my home. My husband was at work all of the time. When I took a back seat, I was seen as being cold and insensitive. But, when I tried to take a more active role, I was trying to replace her – I couldn’t win and still can’t. She only wants my husband to be involved with her and her son, but I am his wife; and I am not going anywhere. I am more than just an adult figure in her child’s life. I AM THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HIM WHEN HE’S WITH US. I feed him; I am chaffeur; I am nurse; I am a confidant; I tuck him in when he’s sick. Overall, I am the same mother to him that I am to my biological child. Give respect where respect is due. I am not trying to take over. I am simply running my household.

By that same token, as an ex, I know that I have certain rights as my child’s mother. As I stated in my previous comment, it is my responsibility to be involved (to a certain extent) in my son’s life, even when he is with his bio dad. However, I still continue to try and remain mindful and understanding of my son’s stepmom’s position, too.

It truly is a difficult situation, but I think the first step towards change is open, honest dialogue. It is so important to avoid assumptions and really try to understand where the other person (ex wife, second wife, divorced dad and children) is coming from.

Thanks so much, Amy, for sharing your thoughts, opinions and story with me. It has been nice chatting with you. Let’s keep this dialogue going – DIALOGUE PROMOTES CHANGE!!

Kela

My Second Mom – by another blended family blogger

I recently read the following post that was written by another blogger who happens to be the product of a divorced family. Her mother and father were divorced, and her father remarried. She wrote the post about her “second mom.” It’s always refreshing to hear from adult children because they provide so much insight regarding how the blended family has and continually affects them.  This provides us with the opportunity to put those assumptions to rest and hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

My Second Mom

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