CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!  This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you.   Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families.  Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories.  I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together.  The contents are priceless.  As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride.  Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage.  These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.

1. Continue what you’ve started. When you decide to take a vacation, you plan your trip in a detailed fashion.  You have a vision of all the sites you’d like to see, and of all the things you’d like to do.  So, plan the type of relationship you want to have!  Do now what it takes to have what you want in your marriage now and later — success and longevity.  Plant the seeds.  Cultivate them.  Many people forget that they have a voice and a choice in everything that they do!  That means that you can choose to have a successful marriage and write your own blueprint for it.  Then follow it, live it, for real.  For example, generally speaking, a man appreciates when his wife continues to be the woman he married.  His love stretches far and wide into eternity, when she continues to display all of the loving qualities that captured his heart, mind and soul.  A woman, likewise, appreciates it, when her husband consistently continues to do the loving things he did to win over her affections.  This helps her to continue to see him in a way that allows her to keep respecting and honoring him.  So if what you have to work with works for you, keeping working it!  Continue what you start.  It is imperative that you do not get so comfortable with one another that you begin to forget to honor one another, to consider the other’s feelings and concerns, to grow in your professions, spirituality, and in love.  Learn one another.  Know one another better than anyone else does.  Love one another in a way that no one but God can love you more.  Because in the end, people and things, including your children, will all be gone one day, and all you’ll have is each other until the end.

2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God.  Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order.  When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, becoming one in your core beliefs and value systems, you become a united front.  You are one machine whose variable parts work in concert together.  Keep one another tuned up with regular maintenance, like each one taking care of the other’s heart, emotions, and dreams, and each of you working together for the common good of both of you.  Never forsake one another, and never put anyone but God before one another.

3. Blended Families. Blended families consist of both Second Chance and First Time Married Couples with children, making at least one parent a stepparent.  Unless you are empty nesters, a lot of your married life and time will be devoted to raising and supporting your children.  There are five sub-key points to consider that are relative to blended families, and they are very important.

• Setting Expectations. Agree on and clarify what your family expectations are. The value of being on one accord, is that it shows the unity and peace in your relationship. Approach any concerns with one mindset and one voice, with one set of rules and regulations, with one set of plans and expectations, and with one love. This means you both will be in agreement on how to manage important issues. Speak lovingly, yet candidly with your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning the new changes in your life that will now affect their lives. Explain what they can expect and what will be expected of them. It may take several discussions over time for everyone to reasonably adjust. It may not, depending on the ages of the children, and any possible negative influences from the other parents aka the “ex.” It is very important that they see you two as a united front, and that when one gives an answer to the best of their ability, they speak for both of you. You must trust each other and one another’s judgment. Never disagree in front of the children, because this shows dissention and lack of unity, something that they will potentially use to manipulate both of you (as children do sometimes). It can cause a crucial breakdown in communication and in your relationship. Support one another and be preventive rather than be divided and prescriptive.
• Be Realistic. As the stepparent, be careful not to become overzealous with expectations that the children will accept you and your marriage to their biological parent. Some children struggle with jealousy [about you stealing their attention and time from their parent], resentment [of your marriage which has crushed their hope for their parents' reconciliation], or disloyalty [remaining formal and distant so they won't compromise their loyalty to the other (angry) parent]. Make sure that you are able to accept and deal with whatever the outcome, and that you will be able to sincerely love them regardless, and without bias. It is important that the love and understanding from both of you is equal for all of the children.
• Unpack Your Baggage. Identify and address all negative influences of your “ex” that could potentially impact your relationship and/or your relationship with your children. Each of you should deal with and resolve (head on) any unresolved issues with the “ex” in your life, so that you maintain uncompromised peace and stability in your marriage. Keep it classy and peaceful if at all possible, because children live what they learn. When you two consistently show love and respect for one another, and others, against all odds, your children will respond to that love and respect, making the transition easier.
• Set Structure. You must set family structure. Be clear about what is and is not acceptable. Acknowledge and reward compliance. Correct noncompliance.
• Set Rules. Agree on what the rules are, and how you plan to raise, educate, correct and discipline your children. Ideally, between the four parents, all should cooperate and agree on one best practice for achieving these goals. Focus on the objective: the welfare and benefit of the children and your marriage. Suggest win-win solutions.

4. Strength Is the Secret to Success.  The strength of Second Chance Marriages, or any marriage, is a God centered married life that is regularly nurtured.  Worship together (meditate, or practice whatever centers your life, respectfully), as you do everything else together.  Pray for one another, never prey on one another.

5. Command Respect.  As a stepparent, always respect the other parent’s role and position in their children’s lives.  Do not try to compete for the affections of the children.  Do not intentionally be offensive to the other parent in any way.   To deal with any negative feelings, journal the things that are negatively affecting you, and discuss them with your spouse.  Command your respect by first giving respect.

6. Money Matters.  Mature newlyweds may be more concerned with health care, retirement, their children’s trusts, wills, and pensions.  Both, the mature and young newlyweds, alike, may each have different money views and values that will require compromise and negotiation.  Prenuptial agreements protect preexisting financial securities, and family interests.  Although it is common, not everyone uses them.  A working partnership is a must to manage finances.  Full disclosure is essential, and so is the need for couples to find and to apply solutions to any problems.

7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent.  In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them.  They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name).  The most important thing is that you are now family.  Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them.  The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal.  Sometimes there may be disagreements.  All families experience them sometimes.  Do not make a mountain out of a molehill!  Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love.  At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing!  Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent.  Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children.  After all, they are.

8. Mind Your Manners.  Do not take your wife or husband for granted.  Remember to be courteous and kind.  Just like you were taught, “thank you” and “please” still mean a lot and go a long way.  Always consider, protect and support your spouse in all aspects as you would yourself.  Maintain faithfulness, integrity and respect for one another in words, thoughts and in deeds.

9. Your Way Is Not The Only Way.  You were not always one team.  You come from different backgrounds, were raised differently, and have different ways of doing things.  Adjusting to living together, and accepting one another’s habits can be challenging at times, to say the least.  You do not have to say everything that you think.  Everything does not have to be done your way.  Sometimes sacrifice and compromise will be required.  To lessen or to avoid complaints, insults or arguments, change your focus and your mindset.  Remember all the attributes that you love about your spouse.  “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:9.   Then compromise on different ways to do things.  It is always good to know more than one route to any destination, and more than one way to accomplish any task.  Use your differences to strengthen your personal weaknesses or to enhance and compliment your strengths.

Mind Your Business.  What goes on in your marriage, stays in your marriage!  Be very careful about the information you share about your spouse, and to whom you share it.  Most people won’t let you forget any negative information you share and are just looking for drama.  Whenever needed, talk to people who are successful in their marriage.  Preferably, the husband should talk to another husband or male friend, not to his female co-worker.  Similarly, the wife should talk to another wife or female friend, not to her male childhood friend.  Basically, if you don’t want to hear about it again, mind your business by either keeping it to yourself, or ensuring that you tell someone who can keep it in good confidence, and who will give you wise counsel and encouragement about your situation.  As much as possible, communicate with one another about everything.  Become one another’s best friend.

This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of  Sheer Elegant Events.