Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmom by Reader Bella Braden

I married for the first time in my late 40’s. In addition to acquiring a husband I also inherited a 5 year old stepson named Joshua.

Before I married his father I spent a lot of time getting to know Josh. One day while we were playing legos I announced that I would have to stop playing soon so I could spend some time with his dad. Josh stopped dead in his tracks and looked up at me with his naïve and annoyed little face and said

“Why would you want to play with my dad? He’s just a parent!”

Huuummm, interesting point I thought, and so I stayed a while longer and built an addition onto my lego garage.

When Joshua came to my house for the first time a few weeks later, he kept wondering around, opening closet doors and intently looking into all the rooms of my home. Finally, he wandered back into the living room and asked me where my parents were. I told him I didn’t live with my parents anymore and that I lived by myself. His eyes grew big and he gasped,

“You mean you take care of yourself? You’re just a kid!”

“Yep I take care of myself,” I replied.

And so Joshua and I quickly became fast friends and partners in crime and I fell just as hard for him as I did with his dad, and a year later we became a family. Now, while most of my friends are packing up the last of their grown children and moving them out of the house, I am leaping off the back deck with my super hero cape on, and playing soccer, and running like the wind, and petting the fur on caterpillars backs and learning to love and nurture the family of pet rodents and albino frogs that live in our home. And after I have tucked the young lad in at night and I am icing down my knees from a long fun day of jumping and running and playing, I think how fortunate I am to have finally discovered the fountain of youth, not in a magic little pill but in a sweet, inquisitive, rambunctious little boy.

Cc: Bella Braden

My Way Or The Highway

Have you ever thought that everything would be great in your relationship if your spouse or significant other changed to comply with everything you think is right?  I can admit that in one of my past lives, I have been guilty of doing so.  Instead of validating your spouse’s perspective on a situation, you make it impossible to negotiate and refuse to stand together to find an amicable solution to whatever issue the two of you are experiencing.  Ironically, you attribute your meeting him/her in the middle as weakness and instead of feeling like partners, you feel like opponents.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Every relationship has its share of stresses and each person, at times, whether they admit it or not, has times when their disagreements get the best of them and inadvertently allows that argument to redefine them and their commitment.  When disagreements get  bad, each person digs in and makes little effort to work around the problem at hand.  What they are essentially saying is “it’s my way or the highway.”

In partnership there are always going to be hard times and unexpected problems that occur.  It’s important to remember through every unexpected cloud there is a silver lining.  You don’t have to fool yourself into thinking that it has to be one way or the other in order to be happy.  It is also important to understand that although disagreements aren’t comfortable to go through, they add character to our relationships.

Here are a few tips to help you avoid the ”my way or the highway” attitude:

• Think objectively when communicating with your spouse, especially during disagreements.
• Your perspective is based on your individual experience but that does not make it right in a relationship.  Take the creative leap to empathize with your spouse, see his/her point of view and perspective and do not make them feel invalidated.
• Appreciate your differences.
• When going through differences, don’t fill in the blanks about what the other person is thinking or trying to say.  By doing so, we take the quality we experience and attribute it to the other person.  That quality doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to your relationship.

Lastly, any solution we find to our disagreements has to come from a “WE” point of view.  For example, when disagreeing, begin with “Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing.  What can we do to help us stop.”

These are just a few ways to explore avoiding ultimatum language like the title of this post describes.   Having the ability to appreciate your partner’s point of view does not invalidate your own. Being able to appreciate each others’ differences is a value that all relationships should strive to achieve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting

Divorced Parents on All of Us

I often watch the television show, All of Us, produced by Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith and is loosely based on their own lives. It’s about a divorced couple who is working together to raise their son. The ex-husband has a live in girlfriend, but the ex-wife does not.

If you watch the show, you will immediately pick up on the obvious double standards that exist in their co-parenting relationship. For example, the ex-wife is allowed to freely enter her ex-husband’s house, using their son’s key, whenever she likes; but, her ex-husband has to knock when he goes over to her place.  The ex-wife demands to be told what’s going on in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (when they are getting married, when she could move in, etc), but when he asks what’s going on with her new boyfriend, she tells him that her personal life is none of his business. On another episode, the ex-wife demanded to be part of the birthday planning that her ex-husband and his girlfriend was planning for their son, but she had already had a birthday party for him, and neither her ex-husband nor his girlfriend were invited.

I realize that everything on television is not real, but Will and Jada Smith have admitted that the show is loosely based on their own stepfamily. Loosely based means that although some concepts may be exaggerated to a certain extent, something similar has happened in their own lives. Not to mention, that I’ve spoken with several divorced dads and stepmoms who also frequently complain about the double standards that exists within their stepfamilies as well.  For example,  ex-wife wants to know everything that’s going on in ex-husband’s house and relationship, but doesn’t offer and even refuses to share, information regarding her own relationship or household. Ex-wife demands to be invited to any and everything regarding the child, but doesn’t even tell ex-husband about the activities that she plans for the child. Ex-wife is adamant about having unlimited access to the child while he or she is in her ex-husband’s care, but dad’s access is very limited and strictly based on the ex-wife’s rules alone. Additionally, according to author, trailblazing researcher and psychologist, E. Mavis Hetherington, ex-wives tend to be more intrusive and remain bitter and angry for much longer than their ex-husbands, post-divorce.

All of the above information supports the claims that double standards, more often than not, exist between the ex-wife and the ex-husband. What I, along with many others, can’t understand is why they exist.  More importantly, why are these double standards continually accepted by society? Why do mothers think they have more rights than fathers who are just as involved (or at least want to be) in their child’s life?  Why does society view ex-wives who exhibit this behavior, as victims who are just in pain, or the protective mama bears who are just trying to protect their children? Why does society convince us to believe that the children need protection from a father who is fighting to be with his children?

What’s even more important than why is how? How do we change our perception of how co-parenting relationships should operate? I’ve always been an advocate of and highly encouraged healthy boundaries from the very beginning of the divorce. Having a child gives neither parent an all access pass into each others’ lives after the divorce. Neither parent needs detail regarding what’s going on in their ex-spouse’s relationships or marriage or household (unless of course it is harming the child). Furthermore, when the child is in your house, the parent caring for him or her at that time is in charge of the child. Both parents are in charge of their respective households and allowing overlap only leads to the double standards mentioned above.

Overall, it’s important to realize that you can have a great co-parenting relationship without being totally engulfed in each others’ lives.  And, fathers need to realize that they aren’t doing a disservice to their children by setting healthy boundaries for their ex-wives.  Ex-wife should not be allowed to have each foot in both her and her ex-husband’s household and vice versa. Doing so, only increases chances of resentment, conflict, miscommunication and all out war.

Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent - EVER!

10 Tips to Succeed at Second Chance Marriages as well as First

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!  This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you.   Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families.  Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories.  I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together.  The contents are priceless.  As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride.  Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage.  These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.

1. Continue what you’ve started. When you decide to take a vacation, you plan your trip in a detailed fashion.  You have a vision of all the sites you’d like to see, and of all the things you’d like to do.  So, plan the type of relationship you want to have!  Do now what it takes to have what you want in your marriage now and later — success and longevity.  Plant the seeds.  Cultivate them.  Many people forget that they have a voice and a choice in everything that they do!  That means that you can choose to have a successful marriage and write your own blueprint for it.  Then follow it, live it, for real.  For example, generally speaking, a man appreciates when his wife continues to be the woman he married.  His love stretches far and wide into eternity, when she continues to display all of the loving qualities that captured his heart, mind and soul.  A woman, likewise, appreciates it, when her husband consistently continues to do the loving things he did to win over her affections.  This helps her to continue to see him in a way that allows her to keep respecting and honoring him.  So if what you have to work with works for you, keeping working it!  Continue what you start.  It is imperative that you do not get so comfortable with one another that you begin to forget to honor one another, to consider the other’s feelings and concerns, to grow in your professions, spirituality, and in love.  Learn one another.  Know one another better than anyone else does.  Love one another in a way that no one but God can love you more.  Because in the end, people and things, including your children, will all be gone one day, and all you’ll have is each other until the end.

2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God.  Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order.  When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, becoming one in your core beliefs and value systems, you become a united front.  You are one machine whose variable parts work in concert together.  Keep one another tuned up with regular maintenance, like each one taking care of the other’s heart, emotions, and dreams, and each of you working together for the common good of both of you.  Never forsake one another, and never put anyone but God before one another.

3. Blended Families. Blended families consist of both Second Chance and First Time Married Couples with children, making at least one parent a stepparent.  Unless you are empty nesters, a lot of your married life and time will be devoted to raising and supporting your children.  There are five sub-key points to consider that are relative to blended families, and they are very important.

• Setting Expectations. Agree on and clarify what your family expectations are. The value of being on one accord, is that it shows the unity and peace in your relationship. Approach any concerns with one mindset and one voice, with one set of rules and regulations, with one set of plans and expectations, and with one love. This means you both will be in agreement on how to manage important issues. Speak lovingly, yet candidly with your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning the new changes in your life that will now affect their lives. Explain what they can expect and what will be expected of them. It may take several discussions over time for everyone to reasonably adjust. It may not, depending on the ages of the children, and any possible negative influences from the other parents aka the “ex.” It is very important that they see you two as a united front, and that when one gives an answer to the best of their ability, they speak for both of you. You must trust each other and one another’s judgment. Never disagree in front of the children, because this shows dissention and lack of unity, something that they will potentially use to manipulate both of you (as children do sometimes). It can cause a crucial breakdown in communication and in your relationship. Support one another and be preventive rather than be divided and prescriptive.
• Be Realistic. As the stepparent, be careful not to become overzealous with expectations that the children will accept you and your marriage to their biological parent. Some children struggle with jealousy [about you stealing their attention and time from their parent], resentment [of your marriage which has crushed their hope for their parents' reconciliation], or disloyalty [remaining formal and distant so they won't compromise their loyalty to the other (angry) parent]. Make sure that you are able to accept and deal with whatever the outcome, and that you will be able to sincerely love them regardless, and without bias. It is important that the love and understanding from both of you is equal for all of the children.
• Unpack Your Baggage. Identify and address all negative influences of your “ex” that could potentially impact your relationship and/or your relationship with your children. Each of you should deal with and resolve (head on) any unresolved issues with the “ex” in your life, so that you maintain uncompromised peace and stability in your marriage. Keep it classy and peaceful if at all possible, because children live what they learn. When you two consistently show love and respect for one another, and others, against all odds, your children will respond to that love and respect, making the transition easier.
• Set Structure. You must set family structure. Be clear about what is and is not acceptable. Acknowledge and reward compliance. Correct noncompliance.
• Set Rules. Agree on what the rules are, and how you plan to raise, educate, correct and discipline your children. Ideally, between the four parents, all should cooperate and agree on one best practice for achieving these goals. Focus on the objective: the welfare and benefit of the children and your marriage. Suggest win-win solutions.

4. Strength Is the Secret to Success.  The strength of Second Chance Marriages, or any marriage, is a God centered married life that is regularly nurtured.  Worship together (meditate, or practice whatever centers your life, respectfully), as you do everything else together.  Pray for one another, never prey on one another.

5. Command Respect.  As a stepparent, always respect the other parent’s role and position in their children’s lives.  Do not try to compete for the affections of the children.  Do not intentionally be offensive to the other parent in any way.   To deal with any negative feelings, journal the things that are negatively affecting you, and discuss them with your spouse.  Command your respect by first giving respect.

6. Money Matters.  Mature newlyweds may be more concerned with health care, retirement, their children’s trusts, wills, and pensions.  Both, the mature and young newlyweds, alike, may each have different money views and values that will require compromise and negotiation.  Prenuptial agreements protect preexisting financial securities, and family interests.  Although it is common, not everyone uses them.  A working partnership is a must to manage finances.  Full disclosure is essential, and so is the need for couples to find and to apply solutions to any problems.

7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent.  In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them.  They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name).  The most important thing is that you are now family.  Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them.  The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal.  Sometimes there may be disagreements.  All families experience them sometimes.  Do not make a mountain out of a molehill!  Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love.  At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing!  Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent.  Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children.  After all, they are.

8. Mind Your Manners.  Do not take your wife or husband for granted.  Remember to be courteous and kind.  Just like you were taught, “thank you” and “please” still mean a lot and go a long way.  Always consider, protect and support your spouse in all aspects as you would yourself.  Maintain faithfulness, integrity and respect for one another in words, thoughts and in deeds.

9. Your Way Is Not The Only Way.  You were not always one team.  You come from different backgrounds, were raised differently, and have different ways of doing things.  Adjusting to living together, and accepting one another’s habits can be challenging at times, to say the least.  You do not have to say everything that you think.  Everything does not have to be done your way.  Sometimes sacrifice and compromise will be required.  To lessen or to avoid complaints, insults or arguments, change your focus and your mindset.  Remember all the attributes that you love about your spouse.  “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” - Philippians 4:9.   Then compromise on different ways to do things.  It is always good to know more than one route to any destination, and more than one way to accomplish any task.  Use your differences to strengthen your personal weaknesses or to enhance and compliment your strengths.

Mind Your Business.  What goes on in your marriage, stays in your marriage!  Be very careful about the information you share about your spouse, and to whom you share it.  Most people won’t let you forget any negative information you share and are just looking for drama.  Whenever needed, talk to people who are successful in their marriage.  Preferably, the husband should talk to another husband or male friend, not to his female co-worker.  Similarly, the wife should talk to another wife or female friend, not to her male childhood friend.  Basically, if you don’t want to hear about it again, mind your business by either keeping it to yourself, or ensuring that you tell someone who can keep it in good confidence, and who will give you wise counsel and encouragement about your situation.  As much as possible, communicate with one another about everything.  Become one another’s best friend.

This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of  Sheer Elegant Events.

The Stepmom Stepback

One of the most valuable assets that I’ve received from founding Today’s Modern Family is the people that I’ve met along the way. I learn so much from other stepmoms, adult children of divorce, stepfathers and even ex-wives just from maintaining TMF. What I appreciate most are the ones who allow us to take a candid look into their own life; sharing the triumphs AND mistakes so that we may apply them to our life making it a little easier for us to navigate through our own stepfamilies. One of those stepmoms is Erin from The Erin Experiment. I appreciate her honesty and thought that one of recent posts would be helpful to other stepmoms. It’s called Learning the Art of The Stepmom Stepback! It kind of sounds like a dance move, huh? Please see the post below and tell us whether or not you’ve learned this new dance move.

Erin says…

I was a hot mess in 2009.

My husband was out of town for most of the year and I had a lot on my stepmom plate. If you haven’t gleaned from last week’s posts, I felt like hope was almost certainly lost and that Super Stepmom Syndrome was going to be the death of me.

Like a lot of stepmoms, I’m a doer and a hopeful peacekeeper. I want everyone to like me and for everyone — my husband, my stepkids and their mom — to feel more at ease because I’ve got things under control. Everyone in Erin Experimentland had a tough 2009, not just me; however, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure everyone’s life was easier.

Trying to make sure four other people’s lives are easier is like trying to arrange peaceful talks among Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea and the folks in the Gaza Strip. It’s practically impossible to do and you’ll likely not survive intact.

I could feel the weight of trying to be everyone’s peacekeeper tugging at my soul. No matter how nice and accommodating I tried to be to everyone else, there was always something keeping me from taking full care of myself.

I spent most of 2009 struggling to figure out what kind of Stepmom I was. I had essentially thrust myself into my husband’s Dad role during the week and then felt depleted on the weekends he was home. I couldn’t figure out if I was coming or going and it impacted everything from my marriage to my waistline.

I stayed on this roller coaster for almost a year.

About a month ago, my blog intervened on my behalf. I’ll spare the details but suffice it to say, I was relieved of a lot of my during the week Stepmom duties. And I’ve never felt more normal in my entire Stepmom life.

I had spent so much time trying to be the second coming of Mom and Dad that I completely lost myself. It’s hard to figure out who you are and what your role is when Mom and Dad are wanting and expecting you to step up and keep things running smoothly.

Some time around my birthday, I was having a discussion with some members of the Stepmom Posse about how I could untangle myself from this intricate web I felt I had woven myself into.

I asked, almost desperately: How do I step back and reclaim my Stepmom role again?

I’ll never forget what honorary stepmom Jen Newcomb Marine of NoOnestheBitch.com told me: You need to subtly step back and let your stepkids’ Mom and Dad be just that: Mom and Dad. They brought these children into the world and they are the one’s responsible for making sure the kids are taken care of. It is not your job to be the family peacekeeper. Sure, Mom and Dad will make mistakes and forget things — just like you are capable of doing — but if you become a Helicopter Stepmom and don’t give everyone room to fall down or screw up then you won’t have done anyone any good, least of all yourself.

She, along with Izzy Rose, another stepmom friend named Jen, and my trusty, insightful mom reminded me that being “Family Peacekeeper” wasn’t part of my marriage vows. I didn’t enter into the state of matrimony so that I could make everyone happy with my organizing capabilities. I got married because I wanted to be my husband’s partner and because I love him.

So now, I’m practicing the art of the Stepmom Stepback. I’m learning to not get involved in matters where Mom and Dad should be the ones making the decisions. If someone has a doctor’s appointment or needs money for a field trip, guess who isn’t making the appointment or writing the check anymore?

It’s been a tough role to remove myself from. There have been instances where I felt like I should speak up or just do something or volunteer to do it so that everyone is less stressed. But then I’d just be falling right back in to the same routine.

For now, I’m learning to take better care of myself. My radio show co-host Peggy Nolan would be proud of how much self-care is going on at Casa de Erin Experimentland. I try to do yoga at least once or twice a week; I don’t worry as much about the little things anymore and I feel much happier than I have in a long time.

I’m still trying to figure out where and how far I should step back. Ladies, have you had success figuring this out? Anyone trying to get started? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Blended Family Soap Opera statement to our readers

The Founder (Kela Price) and writers (Diane Greene and Julia Rutland) of Blended Family Soap Opera, are very strong, moral, ethical, women. We love our families, our husbands, and our friends with all of our hearts. We also love the world we live in and the one we are trying to make for our children.

We believe that the moral fiber of our society is still good and there is still good in the world. That which is not we are on a mission to change. Each of us has a unique story to tell and that is what makes Blended Family Soap Opera so successful. Our backgrounds, our current family situations, as well as our own individual businesses make us who we are as people.

Everyone has an opinion and we respect that. We each have our own opinions, experiences and feelings as well. We just happen to have a very public platform in which to express them.  We wanted to create a safe haven for people to share their inner most feelings regarding both the joys AND frustrations of their respective blended family life, including ours. Not everyone is going to agree with us, nor us with them. That is the beauty of the world. No one is the same or has walked in anyone else’s proverbial shoes in an exact same way. All we want to do is help the blended family to try and work better in our society and make the whole matter of divorce and remarriage easier on the ones who matter the most - our children. No one is out to be malicious or hurtful, but everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel! We are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, step-mothers who love our families and want to help others - period. A part of helping people is allowing them to express the joy, sadness, anger, resentment and any other emotion that they may be feeling about their blended family - without judgement!

As stated in a prior post, we do not have all the answers. We are learning everyday as everyone else in the world is. Yes, we are all certified coaches/counselors to help the blended family. Yes, we have taken classes and learned from a world renowned professor - it still doesn’t make us experts - it does make us educated and informed to better serve blended families. In the end, all we are is human. I hope our readers can respect that and want to hear more from our experiences and our clients.

We thank you for your continued loyalty and your quest to make your family the best it can be!

Sincerely,

Kela Price, Diane Greene, and Julia Rutand

This post was written by BFSO writer/coach, Julia Rutland and reflects the thoughts of the entire BFSO staff. We respect the thoughts, opinions and feelings of each and every one of our readers and we want BFSO to be a safe place for free respectful expression without judgement.

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