Blended Family Soap Opera statement to our readers

The Founder (Kela Price) and writers (Diane Greene and Julia Rutland) of Blended Family Soap Opera, are very strong, moral, ethical, women. We love our families, our husbands, and our friends with all of our hearts. We also love the world we live in and the one we are trying to make for our children.

We believe that the moral fiber of our society is still good and there is still good in the world. That which is not we are on a mission to change. Each of us has a unique story to tell and that is what makes Blended Family Soap Opera so successful. Our backgrounds, our current family situations, as well as our own individual businesses make us who we are as people.

Everyone has an opinion and we respect that. We each have our own opinions, experiences and feelings as well. We just happen to have a very public platform in which to express them.  We wanted to create a safe haven for people to share their inner most feelings regarding both the joys AND frustrations of their respective blended family life, including ours. Not everyone is going to agree with us, nor us with them. That is the beauty of the world. No one is the same or has walked in anyone else’s proverbial shoes in an exact same way. All we want to do is help the blended family to try and work better in our society and make the whole matter of divorce and remarriage easier on the ones who matter the most – our children. No one is out to be malicious or hurtful, but everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel! We are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, step-mothers who love our families and want to help others – period. A part of helping people is allowing them to express the joy, sadness, anger, resentment and any other emotion that they may be feeling about their blended family – without judgement!

As stated in a prior post, we do not have all the answers. We are learning everyday as everyone else in the world is. Yes, we are all certified coaches/counselors to help the blended family. Yes, we have taken classes and learned from a world renowned professor – it still doesn’t make us experts – it does make us educated and informed to better serve blended families. In the end, all we are is human. I hope our readers can respect that and want to hear more from our experiences and our clients.

We thank you for your continued loyalty and your quest to make your family the best it can be!

Sincerely,

Kela Price, Diane Greene, and Julia Rutand

This post was written by BFSO writer/coach, Julia Rutland and reflects the thoughts of the entire BFSO staff. We respect the thoughts, opinions and feelings of each and every one of our readers and we want BFSO to be a safe place for free respectful expression without judgement.

Counselors are human, not God

For some reason people seem to put impossibly high expectations on counselors. We are not supposed to get angry or upset. We must pretend like we have it together all the time, and we must have ALL the answers to ANY and EVERY problem you present to us – WRONG! Counselors are human, not God. Although I techinically have the title of Certified Stepfamily Counselor, I don’t even like to use the word counselor. That title or word is attached to some sort of unattainable perfection that leaves people feeling as if we think we’re better than we are and WE ARE NOT. We are people who feel a wide range of emotions just like everyone else. When we feel attacked, we feel the urge to attack back AND sometimes we do. We get mad, sad, angry and happy, and sometimes we have to let it all out. As a matter of fact, I recommend it; it’s therapeutic to vent from time to time.

Many people who are living in blended families definitely need an outlet to get things off their chests. Internalizing these feelings can often times make things worse. I suggest to readers and clients to purchase a journal, start a blog or tell a friend (who will not judge you) what you are feeling about your frustrations regarding your blended family life. You don’t have to tell that person you’re in conflict with directly. Doing the above-mentioned is therapeutic enough; trust me. Another great option is visiting The Stepfamily Letter Project, a site designed to allow blended families to write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings -  can write letters to the people in their families – be it heartful and joyful to angry or sad. The authors of each letter is kept secret and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’ll share them with your family. It’s a brilliant idea as we ALL need that outlet from time to time; even counselors!!

Because of this unattainble idea of perfection that many people attach to counselors, some people feel as if they shouldn’t go to a counselor who isn’t perfect. I disagree. I’d prefer to speak with someone who can relate to what I am going through and therefore will not judge me.

Anytime I get an email from a reader or a potential client, the first thing I almost always hear is, “I was really hesitant about contacting you because I don’t want to be judged.” To which I reply, “Have you read my blog? You will experience no judgement days with me.” When they ask me if I have ever felt like throwing the ex-wife, second wife, my ex…in front of a freight train, I reply with, “Of course, sometimes I still do!” After they are done talking to me they almost always comment on the fact that I am relatable and honest about my own feelings. I don’t judge because I’ve been where they’re at and still feel the same things (from time to time) that they may be feeling. They appreciate the fact that I am human and beg them not to apologize for what they are feeling as we are all entitled to feel the way we feel. IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL! It makes them feel less threatned and intimidated by this ridiculous idea of perfection. None of us are perfect and counselors aren’t here to act like we are, while judging you. We are here to lend an ear and offer advice and support based on our experiences and/or academic knowledge. We know that life isn’t about perfection or not having conflict. It’s about how you work through and manage your conflict and how you accept life’s many imperfections along the way.

Again, I don’t like to use the word counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who’s willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn, whether it’s what to do or what not to do, while on your journey.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

Divorce, remarriage and competitive children

Divorce and remarriage affects children in a number of different ways. Sadly, experts are confused about exactly how and offer conflicting advice to those in need of help. 

The answer to this question is not an easy one which is mainly the reason experts are so confused. Many experts give the traditional answer that if your child is disobedient, doing poorly in school, has behavioral problems and/or is anxious and depressed, then you can conclude that the divorce is affecting him. But if he is  not any experiencing any of those issues, then he is not. This is not necessarily the case. It is true that most children will react this way due to the stress of the divorce, but there are some who don’t. Some children will become overly responsible as they try to compensate for the loss of the parent. They feel the need to take care the custodial parent and be overly pleasing to both. Additionally, children whose parents remarry may become extremely competitive as they feel they are in constant competition with either the new spouse, stepsiblings or both. They might take out their aggressiveness and anger through sports. Their grades might actually improve because they want to prove that they are the best so that bio mom and dad will love and acknowledge them again. It’s important to realize that although being involved in sports and wonderful grades certainly aren’t a bad thing; the reason why is important. These kids are working overtime because they don’t feel good about themselves and are therefore trying to prove their worth. As such, if you notice this in your child, constantly reassure him that he is loved and supported to boost his self-esteem. It’s also helpful to reward him for his good grades and cheer him on at his sporting events to give him that recognition and validation that he is seeking.

That being said, when parents do a good job a managing stress and keeping conflict to a minimum, some children are actually pretty resilient when it comes to divorce. These children feel and function pretty much like children whose parents are still married.

As you can see there are a number of different ways that children react to divorce. It’s a stressful ongoing event and time in their lives. Parents, however, can minimize the stress and decrease their chances of developing emotional problems by working together to avoid high conflict situations. Parents must also realize that if you are experiencing a high-conflict, long, drawn out divorce, even if you both remarry, you can GUARANTEE that your children are experiencing stress as a result of it, in some way shape or form.

Common complaints of remarried couples

The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality. Why does your husband seem to jump every time his ex-wife calls, even if it has nothing to do with the child? Why does your wife seem withdrawn and even resentful sometimes when your children come to visit? If you don’t communicate with your spouse, with a true attempt to understand his or her feelings, you could derive the conclusion that your husband is a whimp or your wife is just cruel. This is not the case. Once you begin to be mindful, with every step you take, of your spouse’s perception of reality, you can take steps to correct the  negative energy you both are putting into your relationship. Below are some common complaints of remarried couples. Do you recognize any or all of them?

Divorce/Remarried Dad Complaints About His Current Wife

1. She knew I had a child when she married me, so why is she acting this way now?
2. She’s obsessed by everything my ex-wife does.
3. Sometimes it seems as if there is an edge of nastiness in her voice when she talks to my child(ren).
4. Does she realize how painful it is for me to not be there with my child(ren) on a regular basis?
5. How can she expect me to actually discipline them when I see them so little?
6. I’m afraid they won’t want to come back if I start discipling them.
7. She sees things that they do that I never see.
8. Sure my ex-wife has control over me; she controls my children.
9. I know my ex-wife is trying to cause trouble, but she needs to understand that we have to deal with it because she has my children.

Stepmother/Remarried Mom Complaints About Her Husband

1. Everyone in his life, his kids, his job and even his ex-wife comes before me.
2. His ex calls and he jumps.
3. It seems as if his ex-wife has more influence over him than I do.
4. My money goes to support this family and his goes to take care of his ex-wife and his children.
5. His ex-wife is NOT appreciative of everything I do for her children. She still continues to bitch and moan about everything.
6. I never get a thank you. It’s like they (my husband, his ex-wife and their children) think I’m supposed to do everything I do.
7. Guilt runs his relationship with his children.
8. He expects me to be there and handle his children while he’s at the office or working out and then he wants me to go out to dinner with them.
9. It seems as if I’m doing most of the work for their children, but I get the least amount of respect.
10. He seems to think that the only feelings that matter are his, his kids and his ex-wife, but I have children and an ex-spouse too.
11. We have to pay special attention to HIS kids because divorce and remarriage is hard for them. Guess what? MY kids are going through the same thing, so should we allow them all to run wild because of it?
12. He knew I had children when he met me too.
13. My world will not revolve around him, his ex-wife and their children – forget it!
14. I am his wife now. I should come first and I refuse to share this position with his ex-wife!

Remarried couples must learn to view their relationship the same as they do a first marriage if they have any chance of survival. Sure, the situation is different because one or both of you may have children now, but you are husband and wife. You are the pillars that hold your family together. You are committed to protecting your partner and your marriage from meddling ex-spouses. Your ex-spouse’s needs shouldn’t be put above your current spouses’s needs (not wants).

It is important to realize that these complaints are classic in stepfamilies and it is important to realize your spouse’s perception of reality before you can do something to change it. More importantly, it is crucial that you not allow these negative barriers to destroy your relationship. Lastly, seek help from a trained stepfamily therapist to assist you with working through such issues before it’s too late. To schedule an appointment with me, Kela Price, please send an email to kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Rules for the Blended Family

Life revolves around rules in every situation and in every place in time.   Within the blended family, families often are faced with issues such as conflict, resentment, hostility and anger from not just the exes involved in our lives, but also from the children of blended families.  With all of the negativity, there are also positive ways to deal with these issues including by having flexibility, instilling patience, always loving and sometimes sacrificing.  Most importantly, compromising.

Whatever the scenario is with your blended family, setting out your family “house rules” is one of the most important undertakings that all parents (whether step or biological) can implement with their children.   One of the most important mountains to climb is to make sure that ALL parents are on the same page and encourage the children to be mindful of  the other’s household and the rules held therein.

To begin instituting house rules and when conflicts arise, parents must make their children understand these four words —”In our house we….”  When explaining and setting out rules, if the situation is addressed with those four simple words, there will be less of a chance that the children will become defensive and will be more accepting.  The word “we” is very powerful.  For example, as a step-parent, if I were to approach my step-daughter with “In My House…” or “When you are here…” it would make her feel as if she is only a visitor in our home.  But, if I use the words “our and we” when addressing a situation with her, she will interpret that by including herself as a part of our family and not as an outsider that just visits.

Here are a few more tips on rules that you can use to help your blended family:

1.  Include ALL parents in on discussions with one another about the levels of discipline that will be used in your household.

2.  Do not ever allow your child or your step-child to play one parent against the other.  More than likely, anything you hear from your child or step-child about the other parent is also being said about you in their household.  Children who are having a difficult time with the divorce often do this.  Communicate and try to resolve outstanding issues.

3.  Set aside time for step-children to have alone time with their biological parent. 

4.  Create your own family traditions that include all children of the family.

5.  Never show favortism.  Plain and simple, this hurts.

6.  Create chore lists for all children of the family and make sure everyone is pulling their own weight around the house. 

7.  Set curfews and make sure all abide by same.

8.  Set aside alone time for you and your spouse as well.  This is very important in maintaining balance.

9.  Have a family meeting to discuss the house rules and parents expectations — In the end, children WANT and NEED boundaries and establishing them early on benefits everyone.

10.  If you step-child has younger siblings in their primary household, encouarge them to help their bio parent(s) when they can.  If you have older siblings in your household, teach them to help your younger children or step-children so that the example can be set both ways.  Family means taking care of one another and taking care of one another means helping each other even when we don’t want to or when we are frustrated.

11.  STAY CONSISTENT.  Making children realize how important rules are in your household allows them to learn and prepare for their own future households.  Children live what they LEARN!

In conclusion, being a family means sharing responsibility and part of that responsiblity is learning to abide by the rules, not just in your blended famly households and lives, but in LIFE in general.  Teaching these lessons to our children will be invaluable to them in the future.

Peace and blessings,
Di

My 19 year old stepdaughter is spending the summer with us…

Hi Readers,

With the permission of the reader,I wanted to post a question that I received from her about how to approach her older stepdaughter. It is a common question in stepfamilies with older stepchildren. What is my role as a stepmother to a stepdaughter who is not that much younger than me?  Please see her question and my response below.

Reader:

Dear Kela,

Ok, this is a two-parter! I just got married and my husband has a daughter who is 19 (he had her very young). I’m not too much older than she is, and while she lives with friends and not with us, she will be staying with us for the summer. We get along, but I’m worried about the dynamic in the household and how everything will work (specifically my role in her life, what my responsibilities to her are, how I should act, etc). It’s especially stressful because, as I’ve said, I’m freshly married and I’m concerned about trying to work out the kinks of my husband and I getting used to living with each other PLUS the kinks of having his daughter in the house. Any advice on how to make this whole experience go smoothly would be much appreciated.

The second part of this question is how to help his daughter feel comfortable around my family. She has very little extended family and I have a very big, very boisterous, very huggy Italian/German family. They immediately welcomed her with open arms (complete with teasing, hugs and ceaseless questions about school) but I can tell she still feels awkward and uncomfortable during get togethers as she feels they’re not her “real” family. I would love nothing more than for her to experience what it’s like to have loving aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins, but I know it can’t be forced.  What can I do to help?

Thanks very much in advance for your advice.

Kela:

First off, I want to say that you’ve won half of the battle. Older children are the most judgmental and the hardest on step-parents, so the fact that your step-daughter doesn’t hate you is a good thing!

Part One

It’s quite different being a stepmother to a young adult rather than a young child. As such, you must enter into the stepfamily with a different mindset. Younger children [usually] will eventually accept you as another mother, but older children will eventually accept you as a close friend, especially when you are close in age. In either case, you should never come on too strong or try to force a relationship between the two of you. Relationships simply don’t happen that way; they take time, patience and yes, effort, but never force. My advice would be to approach your step-daugther just as you have been. Do your best to make her feel at home. Stock the fridge with her favorite foods, the pantry with her favorite snacks, the bathroom with her favorite shampoo or lotion…thereby subtly showing her that you want her there, you want her to feel comfortable and that it is just as much her home as it is yours. Children, whether adult or not, DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE GUESTS IN THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENT’S HOME! The way to ensure that she doesn’t feel that way is to make sure there is a little piece of her there when she comes. Make sure there are pictures up of her, especially if you have ones of all of you together.

Part Two

I think it’s fabulous that your family has welcomed your step-daughter with open arms! What I will tell you is that no matter what you or your family does, there is going to be a certain level of discomfort. Why? Because they aren’t her “real” family just yet and she needs to get to know them and eventually trust them before she will feel like you guys are her “real” family. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you. It just means that she doesn’t know you and it’s perfectly natural for her to feel this way. Not to mention that it sounds like she isn’t used to having a big family. Give her some time to get used to it and she’ll come around. In the mean time, just continue to show her love and support and earn her trust. Take the steps to make her feel like she’s a part of your extended family even though she may not feel that way just yet. Whatever you do, don’t take her reaction to you guys too personally. Remember, that it’s going to take time to gel as a family.

I hope I’ve helped in some way. I have a good feeling that it’s all going to work out for you!

Warmly,

Kela

Reader:

Thank you so, so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it! You guys have been a great help and I’m going to keep reading the site for more awesome insight.

All the best,

Forming healthy bonds through healthy step-parenting

I am a step-mom.  I love being a step-mom.  I remember growing up with a young girl who lived with her father and her step-mom and one year for mother’s day (there was no day for step-moms back then like we have now) she gave her mom a plaque that she found at the store that read:

“People say one person can’t make a difference in the world… but I know that isn’t true, because I’ve seen the difference you make in the lives of those around you.”

All throughout history, step-parents in blended families, whether it be in childhood story-lines or in real life, have gotten a bad rap.  A lot of the times, we can’t seem to shake the old stereotypes.  With that being said, in the 21st century, step-parenting has become almost the “norm” in modern times, with at least one-third of all children in the United States being a part of a blended-family before they reach the age of 18.   Is it still hard?  Absolutely!  But, if we weigh the pros against the cons, step-parenting, though it can be hard, can also be one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have.   Often times, blended families aren’t able to work out their issues out of mutual respect and with plenty of love.  There are many families that can’t seem to find that place of peace within their units.

Adults frequently go into our new blended families with high expectations, happy to be newly married and giddy with joy.  However, we tend to forget that children do not always see things the way we do.  Often times, they don’t feel as if their opinion mattered in the situation and they are full of anxiety about what this means to their current bonding/relationship with their natural parents. 

Here are a few tips that I found helpful to me:

1.  Be realistic and patient about your expectations:  Love, caring and respect doesn’t form overnight.  Good relationships and trust take time to build.

2.  Never speak badly about your spouse’s ex wife or husband.  This only creates anxiety for the children and makes them feel like they have to take sides.

3.  Show your bio children and your step-children that you support them in every way. 

4.  Openly communicate with them.  It is your job!  Children need security and by talking and communicating with them, you are teaching them that they can count on you, and in other words, they are safe with you.

5.  Think about the needs of all the children involved. Transition is a huge part of creating a healthy bond.  Children want to be valued and emotionally connected and understood.  Take the time to get to know your step-children and their thoughts and their perspectives. 

6.  Praise and encourage them.  I remember once during a parent/teacher conference I heard a teacher telling the parents that their child yearned for praise.  After every problem she worked on during class work time, she would bring it up to the teachers desk and ask for her approval.  Children want to be praised and encouraged.  

7.  Make sure that everyone abides by the house rules and make sure that everyone is clear that you will enforce them.   Children need boundaries and rules.

8.  Keep ALL parents involved and let the children know that you would never try to “replace” their biological parent. Continue to emphasize that you are another person that loves and supports them and that there is room for you in their heart as well. 

All of the above can help you in building a healthy bond with not only your children, but your step-children as well.  Let’s kick the old stereotypes to the curb about step-parents!!!  I hope these little tid-bits will help!!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Preventing divorce in America

Health Care reform is often one of the primary subjects of any presidential election in which America closely watches to see if the new President will actually follow through. President Obama is no different. He is adamant about making sure that every American has access to quality health care and he has outlined a plan that inlcudes, but is not limited to, expanding health care coverage, promoting scientific and technological advancements and improving health care PREVENTION!

Prevention is a word we often hear in health care education campaigns; ranging from teenage pregnancy to heart disease. There are tons of campaigns educating us on how to prevent bad things from happening, right??  When it comes to marriage and divorce, however, there is not only little education on how to prevent divorce or what it takes to build a solid marriage, but there are very few resources to help couples who find themselves in that situation. Marriage counseling or stepfamily counseling is often not covered by insurance; making it extremely difficult for couples to get the help they need to stay together.

According to the Census Bureau report on marital status, the U.S. has the highest divorce rate and highest rate of single parenting in the world. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and remarriage has an even higher rate of divorce. With most of these marriages/divorces there are children involved and they are the ones who suffer the most. WE NEED A MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE CARE REFORM!

In the government’s quest to educate, prevent and reform everything else they need to realize that healthy families play an important role in that prevention. Don’t you think teenage pregnancy would decrease if we focused on keeping that young girl’s family together? What about our teenage suicide rate, drug and alcohol use and high school drop out rate? Wouldn’t those decline if mom and dad stayed together? Statistics prove that kids of divorce are at higher risk of the above-mentioned. So wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on teaching young couples how to maintain successful marriages in order to prevent divorce? We desperately need a divorce prevention campaign!

In many cases, there are couples who should’ve never been married in the first place, but it was easy for them to do so. My husband married his ex-wife at barely 21 years old, after only knowing her for a few months because he got her pregnant. Of course, after less than three years, that marriage ended in divorce, which was very hard and expensive to obtain. SO WHY WAS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?? We need to demand and require extensive pre-marital counseling for any couple who wants to get married. It shouldn’t be as easy as going to the Justice of Peace and walking out the same day married. Couples need to be educated on the responsibility of marriage, and if they don’t want to take the time to take pre-marital courses, then they shouldn’t be allowed to get married. Those classes should prepare that couple for marriage and should include topics on everything from sex to finances – the two biggest reasons that couples divorce!

The above-mentioned may work for those couples who aren’t yet married, but what about the couples who are already remarried? Those couples need to be educated on divorce prevention as 2 out of every 3 remarriages end in divorce. Additionally, all couples interested in remarriage in which there are children involved, should be required to take blended family courses prior to remarrying AND they should be assigned a blended family counselor or coach to be available to them for encouragement and support.

 Last but not least, we are all aware that when you leave the hospital after having a baby, they may give you some formula, post-pregnancy care instructions and a little blanket, but what they don’t give you is a handbook. As such, I think parents should be required to take parenting classes before the baby’s arrival.

If we spent as much time on the education, prevention and creation of healthy families as we do everything else, I am sure that our divorce rate, among other things, would take a nose dive. And so, I am creating a proposal for a new Healthy Families Reform Plan and it is my goal to take it all the way to Washington. As stated earlier, there are many campaigns involving the children of America, from education to teenage pregnancy, and healthy families play an essential role in the prevention of  those things. As a result, we need to put more effort into the education and awareness of creating and saving healthy families.

The Package Deal by Stepmom, Izzy Rose

One of my favorite stepmom bloggers is Izzy Rose over at Stepmother’s Milk. She is also the author of my new must read called The Package Deal: My (not so) glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. In it, Izzy delivers a story and message with the right amount sass and comedic flair that really helps you forget your struggles as a stepmom, or at least view them differently. The Package Deal is not only something that all stepmoms can relate to, but it will have you literally “cracking up” as well. Below is an excerpt from the book.

The L Word

I knew how to love, but I didn’t know what that maternal type of love felt like. I imagined that it must be similar to how I felt about my own mother, my father, Gram. I gave my love to them freely, without thinking about it. And I never ran out. I always had more.

When Hank and I first got together, I guessed there were many who assumed – or, like Hank hoped – that I’d instantly fall in love with his boys, too. But that wasn’t the case. I was charmed by the boys right away, and most days, even now, living with them, I was tickled by the things they said and did. But that didn’t mean that was going to be first in line to donate a kidney. I know this sounds pretty awful, but let’s be honest – how many stepmoms love their stepkids at “hello”?

The truth was, I just didn’t feel that way about The Tall One and The Young One yet, and I had to wonder, would I ever? I cared for them a great deal. I was very fond of them, but did I love them?

I’ve long felt that society expects women to feel exaggerated sweetness for anything with a heartbeat, especially c hildren. Like we were all born with an indiscriminate gushing gene. How did this rumor get started? Children may be easier to love than, say, your office cube-mates, but it’s not instant. I’ve always been quick to point out the obvious – children are just small people, and people aren’t always easy to love.

From beginning to end, The Package Deal offers practical advice that is universal to both stepmoms and even moms; such as learning to surrender your expecations, the importance of alone time with your spouse and creating boundaries. It is a book that every new stepmom must add to her list of “must haves.”

BFSO loves the Package Deal and we KNOW that you’ll love it, too, so much so, that we are giving away a copy to the first reader who responds to this question; Should you invite the ex-wife to your wedding??? Find out what Izzy did in her new book, The Package Deal; My (not so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. You can answer the question in the comment section below or simply email your response to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Co-Parenting with the Angry Ex-Spouse!

Di offered some great tips on how to co-parent effectively in a blended family in her last article. She said it was all about mutual respect for one another and learning to face challenges together, for the sake of the kids. That all sounds wonderful IF all parties actually do have mutual respect for one another and want to learn to face challenges together for the sake of the kids. But, the sad reality is that the majority of blended families are not interested in doing either. Should they be? Of course. But if we all lived in a world of ‘shoulds’ it would be a much better place. We have to deal with our current reality.  So the question remains – how do you do the above-mentioned for the sake of the kids when all parties involved are not interested in doing so? The answer – you just can’t! You can’t create the ideal harmonious blend if everyone isn’t interested.

Having a controlling angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport. The controlling angry ex-spouse is the ultimate manipulator. He or she (they can come in both genders) will do their best to make it impossible for you to adhere to a court order by constantly requesting visitation time changes, but then tell the courts that you are in violation of the court order. These parents will claim that they know the importance of the child having meaningful contact with both parents, but then make it impossible for you to do so.

Divorced parents who fail to co-parent effectively are often ordered, by the courts, to attend mediation, counseling or co-parenting classes. During these types of classes therapists, counselors and mediators feed these couples the obvious. Don’t say anything bad about the other parent to the child, make sure you communicate with each other…They make it sound so easy, right?? What they don’t, but should tell you, is that co-parenting is literally a NIGHTMARE for many divorced couples. If they know that ahead of time, then they know what to prepare for. I tell my couples all the things they shouldn’t do ahead of time because the things they should be doing are obvious.  For example, don’t stew over the fact that little Billy didn’t return home in the jeans that you sent him in. Is it really worth it to sent angry emails or texts back and forth, for weeks, over some jeans?? If you continually make a big deal out of trivial issues, then nobody wins, including your child.

That being said, even when I advise on what not to do, some divorced couples (including my husband and his ex-wife) just can’t get it right. So we move to Plan B – realize that you’ll probably never be friends, that angry ex is not likely to change anytime soon and do the best you can to maintain a relationship with your child, not your ex!  Often times, this requires you to have no or very limited contact with your ex-spouse.  Keep all conversations, preferrably via email, about the child and that’s it. There are even online co-parenting calendars so that you can discuss and plan (if changes should arise) visitation and child support issues online, instead of via phone or in person. If this still doesn’t work and the angry ex still continues to bitch and moan while preventing you from seeing your child, make sure you keep an accurate record of everything that he or she is doing and allow the courts to decide. Most importantly, NEVER engage in any altercations with your ex-spouse. Don’t allow your emotions to guide you and TRY not to take anything personally.

All in all, the best thing you can do when co-parenting with an angry controlling ex-spouse is to plan ahead and take preventive measures to make sure that his or her behavior doesn’t interfere with your relationship with your child. More often than not, you were made aware of your ex-spouse’s behavior prior to the divorce. Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that he or she would never do anything to harm your relationship with your child and prepare as if they would. Accept your reality and don’t try to be friends. Instead treat co-parenting as if it were a business relationship and don’t allow emotions to enter in from the very beginning. This information applies to current spouses as well (meaning, current spouses shouldn’t put all of their energy into befriending their current spouse’s ex, if he or she isn’t interested).

Now I know there will be some who are outraged because you think that little Billy deserves more, and you’re right, he does. But remember, you can’t FORCE someone to act as they should , get along with you or be your friend. All you can do is control your own actions and then try to make the best of a bad situation for your child’s sake.

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