Negative self-image and marriage - reader needs advice

My wife is challenged by her body image. It is driving me nuts.I am a recovering alcoholic with a few years sober.  I have done a lot of work dealing with my issues.  So I know solutions are out there for seemingly hopeless states of  mind.  I am living proof to myself.

My wife is slender.  Yet has body image issues.  Let me say it a different way…. I am at a loss for how to understand and support her in this problem.  I am finding it wearing and frankly, painful.

The constant comparisons and negativity really puts a damper on our relationship.  The constant statements of ridiculous, inaccurate ’absolutes’…. such as…

• I cannot get into shape.
• Nothing I do makes a difference.
• I am fat.
• Men have it so easy.
• I should just get liposuction.

My wife works out regularly and is a tall, attractive size 4-6 depending on cut.  So none of these statements are accurate.  Not even close.

The 12-step program that I live teaches me to surrender.  So this situation remains in a surrendered state.  I also know that I did not cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.  I am weakening.  Frankly, I am tired of hearing the statements that to me, contain a strong thread of self-pity.  There are many underlying factors to these statements, but the one I hear the most loudly is self-pity.  Many women will kill for a body like my wife’s and here she is wallowing.  That’s how it sounds.

My wife has been to a special counselor for eating disorders…. but didn’t continue.  She read one book…. said it was good, but does not maintain her recovering thinking and won’t pick up another one.

I have shown her blogs that she can read on a regular basis, but she does not follow through.

In my mind, she would prefer to live in the pain of her misconceptions.  Or fear or something else is keeping her there.  She does not seem to even want anything different.  She reminds me of an alcoholic who would rather live with the pain of his drinking and thinking than even consider that there may be something different.

I do not want to nag her.  Nagging never helped me get sober.  I have put many things in front of her but she does not seem the have the willingness to pick them up.  She seems to prefer to stay stuck then complain about her body to me. Her husband.  Who finds her attractive.

This is really tough.  Any suggestions?

Thanks.

Dads and Daughters – The Greatest Love Story

“The latest statistics claim roughly 60% of marriages end in divorce. Second or third marriages have only about 20% of couples remaining happily married. A full eighty percent of repeat marriages end in divorce. Over one million children watch their parents divorce each year, and half of the babies born this year will suffer through the divorce of their parents before they turn 18. While divorce is often necessary, there is no denying rising divorce rates signal societal issues.” According to http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_M._Robbins

There it is cut and dry. A divorce happens, you figure out which parent should have the children, then you work out what the visitation schedule means for each parent’s place of employment, you breeze over “rules” for each household to make sure you are at least in the ballpark with discipline, and then you go on with your lives. When you were married, two became one and now one is turning back into two – but this time there may be 3 or 4 to think about if you brought children into the equation.

I am the product of divorce along with much of the population of our world these days. My mother had custody of me and I saw my dad every other weekend for the first few years after the divorce. Then my mom got a job in one state and my dad got a job in another - my every other weekends became once a month if we were lucky. My mother IS MY ROCK!! Could not live in this world without her and I don’t even want to think about trying to. I love her so much and know how much she struggled trying to raise me on her own with not a whole lot of money coming in from the other side. (McDonald’s used to be our big splurge with the spare change she had saved up for a month.)

My dad lived in a big city, in a really cool apartment (well, I thought it was), and we would always shop. Now I’ve said this before my mother HATES to shop so I thought she just never wanted to take me shopping – not realizing that money really doesn’t grow on trees – as much as I had hoped it did. We always ate out when I was with him and, yes, it was the “fun” house. I was still young enough not to realize that my mom may have really wanted to do all of those things with me but just couldn’t.

As I grew up I began to realize that the relationship I have with my mom is completely different than the one I have with my dad – neither is right or wrong - just different. BUT I NEEDED BOTH. Even though they didn’t live in the same household – let alone the same state – they both helped me form the woman I am today.

Now that I have three girls the relationship I see them developing with their father is something I am in awe of from the outside looking in. Yes, I am with them the majority of the time but when my oldest goes to her dad’s house or my youngest two are sitting by the door waiting for their dad to get home from work; I realize there are just some things that cannot duplicate what a father does for his daughter.

Your father (good or bad) forms a woman’s very first impression of the opposite sex. He is our first true love. He is the one we yearn to impress and make proud (whether we want to admit it or not). He gives or takes away a young woman’s self esteem. He molds us from a young age. Being physically present or absent has a HUGE impact on the way a woman lives her life. Consciously or unconsciously women do find men who have similar traits to their fathers. It’s weird. I didn’t think I did that but looking back now, my ex-husband AND my current husband BOTH have things about them that remind me of my dad. Did I think of it at the time – no – but now I see it. Don’t get me wrong I love my daddy but he and I have had our ups and downs over the years as well. Even during those times there are things I have learned from him (good and bad) that my mother couldn’t have taught me. Not her fault – she’s just not a man.

I hear many women talk about not being able to have successful relationships with men in their adult years due to the relationship they have with their dads – or lack there of. This is a very viable argument. Girls need their fathers if they live in the same home or not. Maybe it is a father “figure” but all girls need a positive role model of the male species to show them how to be loved and how to love themselves and how to retain their own self worth. Of course our mothers do that from day one of our lives. But the impact it has coming from a father is on another level.

So for everyone reading this please be conscious of the relationships you form and help form for your children. Kids are so much more intelligent than we give them credit for sometimes. Don’t keep your children or daughters from their fathers for petty or personal reasons (unless your child is in danger in their care of course). The relationship you have with your ex has NOTHING to do with the relationship your children have with them. They are completely separate and should be respected. Young women need their fathers or their father figures in their lives in order for them to become that whole person. It has taken me years to realize this by the way. Five years ago this post would have looked much different. I’m glad I have delved deep within me to find the person I am and that is because of my beautiful mother AND father.