CHECK IN AND MOTIVATE YOURSELF!

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates”

 We all talk the talk but a lot of the times we forget to walk the walk.  Men and women alike want to be more healthy, more motivated and more self-aware of where we are in our walk of life.  Add in all of the stresses that our societies are now experiencing and 9 times out of 10, “yourself” gets put on the back burner.  I saw a quote once that stuck with me.  It said “You are your own raw material.  When you know what you consist of and what you want to make of it, then you can invent yourself.”  I have discovered that my truth is when I want changes to occur in my life or I want to grow more or feel more bound to my relationships, I make sure that I first attend to myself and analyze where “I” truly am so that I can then open myself up more and also be more to others.

Checking in with myself has been an overall hard effort in the past for me.  Finding the self-motivation to put myself first and to get out of slumps is and was hard work.  Falling off the bandwagon is just like being addicted to nicotine.  You fall off the wagon and get back on again, which can end up being a disastrous cycle if you allow it to fester.  Continuously motivating ourselves and giving ourselves the time we deserve (mentally, physically and emotionally) is utterly important.  When I allow myself to breathe, spend time nuturing myself, I feel remarkable.  In my opinion, this happens to everyone who starts to think that they can do things when they believe in themselves first.

Another idea about checking in with ourselves and motivating ourselves is by sharing our knowledge with others.  Think about it….what if Maya Angelou never shared her magnificent poems with all of the world?  What if we never heard the story of Albert Einstein or Anne Frank?  What if Martin Luthur King, Jr. decided only to preach his message in the church and not take to the streets to spread his wisdom and God’s word?  In order to help people, we have to share what we know.  No one is successful by themselves.  There is always someone behind the scenes helping.  I know I would be absolutely no where without my fabulous business partner who supports me and whom has inspired me and shared her knowledge with me.  It’s about being unselfish and allowing our motivations to help others. Remember, we can do more and aim higher when we have supportive people around us.

Here are a few tips to get you more motivated:

1. Stay Positive. Attitude, attitude, attitude.  It makes all the difference in the world.   You are the only one in charge of your attitude. 
2. Reach Out.  Share your message with others.  By helping others, you will be more motivated to do even bigger things.
3. Stay Organized.  Keeping track of where you are at on your goals is important.  Put pen to paper, even if it is in a journal. 
4. Be Good To Yourself.  Take “me” time.  If your home life is busy all the time, treat yourself to a hotel room once in a while. 
5. Take Action.  Stop with all the “talking” about what you want to do and just do it!
6. Don’t Go Overboard.  You are only one person.  Take into consideration that you cannot do it all in one day, one week or one month and it’s OK. 
7. Expectations.  Keep your expectations realisitc.  Maximize your strengths and work on your weaknesses, but keep them all in a realistic perspective.  You are not superman or superwoman!
8. Complacency.  Do not get stuck incomplacency.   If you dream, dream big!   You can grow as high as you reach, you just have to believe in yourself.

TMF Readers, when we are in motivational mode, we have to remember that wanting something in our lives is not enough.  It’s like watching a soccer match that lasts 90 minutes and the score is 0-0.  It’s all about which team has more hunger.  Your dreams must inspire you.  However, dreams are just that…dreams….they are insufficient if they do not stretch your comfort zone at times. 

Mikhail Baryshnikov once said, “I do not try to dance better than anyone else, I only try to dance better than myself.”  This is my truth.  I just want to dance to my own music, I want to be successful by working at what makes me happy and by being inspired by my dreams.  Being motiviated and checking in with myself to make sure I am where I need to be is starting simple and that is the first step.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Single Moms: Bloom Where You Are Planted!

Today, I was inspired by a young, 20-something single-mom who happens to be a close family friend.  She shared with me some of her recent struggles and her story was so reminiscent of my 20-year old single mother days that I had to put my thoughts down for all the single mothers out there who are struggling everyday; those who are also gifted with life experiences that today seem hard, but will one day be looked at as just one part of an amazing journey.

My advice is simple ladies:  Bloom where you are planted!

I spent essentially 15 years being a single mother in between the birth of my 3 children, a marriage and then being widowed.  During that time there were struggles, challenges and difficult conditions.  After lots of stress and struggle, I came to the realization that I could choose to still live an abundant life. It became empowering to know that I could put my energies toward the things and people who are most important to me instead focusing on or giving my power away to those struggles.  I wasn’t going to let them get the best of me.  And, single moms, trust me, I went through some stuff that could have easily wiped me out as a young woman and as a parent.

After a while, it took acceptance in order to appreciate that I could be just as successful in my personal and private life as a single mother as any married woman with children could.  The first lesson I had to learn was that of balance.  Life’s demands can make a person go crazy, add in single parenthood and you could, at times, feel like you have molotov cocktail on your hands.  Let’s be real.  Your day starts by getting up at the crack of dawn to get the kids fed and ready for daycare or school; you go to work all day and deal with crap there, only to come home and work another 8 hours handling everything on your own.  Add in attending school functions, the stress of being the sole provider, spending quality time with your children and all else that comes with running a household, which often times means robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Yes, married mothers go through some of these same struggles, but it is when you know that you do not have anyone else to fall back on that those mole hills feel like they are turning into huge mountains for you to climb.

However, with maturity comes acceptance and with acceptance comes growth.  Single mothers, the most important thing you can do to maintain your growth is to nurture yourself.  What do I mean above when I say, “Bloom Where Your Planted?”  I mean, find your strengths, accept your weaknesses and then grow.  The first step is to figure out what makes you happy in your own personal life.  Not in the life you lead with your children, but what makes you personally happy as an individual.  An example can be going back to school, indulging yourself in a specific hobby, focusing on your spiritual side.  Second, don’t be so hard on yourself.   Any decisions you have made that may not have totally been in your best interest at the time, you can use as learning tools.  We only learn to grow through making mistakes.  Third, be open for development.  Find a way to work in that extra class (i.e., online training, etc.) to advance yourself.  I worked for 2 years on my paralegal degree through correspondence training.  With all that was on my plate, it was the only option at the time.  When my boys went to bed, I went to school in my little apartment.  Read self-help books (they worked wonders for me).  Get involved in your church.  Find ways, outside of the stresses of work and home life to feel good about yourself.  Fourth, if you need help, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.  We all need help once in a while.  Another point I would like to stress is this:  DO NOT get stuck in dead-end relationships.  Always keep your power in your own control.  Never give your power to another person and then rely on them for your happiness.  Form your personal relationships on your own terms, not someone else’s.  It is not until you are in a good, stable and secure place with yourself that you are able to accept a good man into your life.  When we are insecure and unstable, we tend to settle for less.  Never settle for less.

Being able to bloom where you are planted means when you get weak, think about where you are today versus where you were 6 months or a year ago.  Being able to love ourselves and accept our situations for what they are right now allows us to succeed where we are.  It creates the path for our futures which in turn directs our steps toward moving on from the typical stereotypes that come along with single motherhood.  Taking time to reflect on the positive attributes of your life once in a while will do you good.  At the same time, reflecting, but not dwelling, on the negative will allow you to basically compare yourself to the only person you should compare yourself to and that is YOU.   Most importantly, loving and accepting yourself for who you are to yourself and your children and being proud of where you have come is very important.  There are no limits for your future as long as you are open and willing to grasp opportunities.

Lastly ladies, if you don’t take anything from this article, remember that you are not defined by what others think of you.  We find definition in our compassion and unconditional love for our children and our own self-acceptance, self-worth, compassion and love for ourselves.  So, surround yourself with uplifting people who truly care about you and your children’s well-being.

KUDOS to all you single moms out there doing what others think is impossible! Keep on blooming!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Cultivating Happiness in the Blended Family

Research has shown that over the past decade that happy people are more productive, faster learners and definitely more creative.  Cultivating optimism within the blended family, especially when there are outstanding, unresolved issues, can be hard.  There is hope!!  I have been reading a book by author Sonja Lyubomirsky entitled “The How of Happiness:  A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want (Penguin Press) and also came across an article about her in my favorite magazine, Family Circle. 

In her book and in the article, Ms. Lyubomirsky discusses the fact that many people assume that there is a feel-good gene in our equation and that you either “have it” or “you don’t.”  She says that is actually half-true.  About 50% of a person’s tendency toward bliss is genetic and the other 50% is totally up for grabs.  Roughly, 40% is influenced by attitude and behaviors and the remaining 10% by circumstances.  In these statistics is where I see hope for the blended family.  If 50% is totally up for grabs, and you have more than one willing participant, then there is hope.

The following are some tips from Ms. Lyubomirsky to help cultivate happiness which everyone can apply in their households.  Remember, you cannot expect someone else (ex spouses, new spouses, step-children, etc.) to apply these same behaviors, but you can apply them  yourself and begin to reap the benefits of same:

1.  COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.  Even on days when there aren’t as many as you’d like.  Jot a list and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that there are more great things about your life  than you thought.

2.  LOOK AGAIN.  Most situations have a bright side, somehow.  As in, it stinks that your 9-year-old needed stitches– but weren’t the ER doctors and nurses awesome?

3.  DON’T STEW.  Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.

4.  NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS.  Strong bonds benefit everyone.

5.  GET LOST.  In a book, a movie, a DIY project.  Getting so involved that you lose track of time gives your brain a chance to recharge.

6.  PURSUE A LONG-NEGLECTED GOAL.  With PASSION!

7.  COPE CALMLY.  Manage stress in healthy ways, like by walking or talking to friends.

8.  FORGIVE.  Work on letting go of anger and resentment toward those who have hurt you.

9.  EMBRACE THE SPIRITUAL.  Get more involved in your place of worship or just in your personal relationship with your creator.

10.  HONOR YOUR BODY.  Exercise, meditate and LAUGH OFTEN.

Every person, whether in a blended family or just on a personal basis can benefit from the above suggestions.  I know I will be working on a few myself.  There are plenty more in Ms. Lyubomirsky’s book. 

As Ms. Lyubomirsky says, the bottom line is how we choose to view the world is key.  Close to half of our happiness quotient lies in the way we think and the way we act.   Modeling these actions in our everyday lives and in our blended family lives is essential for us parents.  I will say it again, children live what they learn and they will take the lessons that we teach them and apply them to their own adult lives.  

In the real world, most blended families have a hard time building themselves back up after loss such as divorce, separation, etc.  Taking the extra time to try to work together to obtain happiness after such loss can be obtained if that goal is understood and has like-minded people working together to achieve the same.  If not all parties are on the same page, it can be extra hard but in my opinion, is still well worth the try. 

Peace and blessings,
Di