This story was first published on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

by Eric Payne

Following last week’s conversation at Black And Married With Kids, I decided to take the question of sex and marriage one step further.  I wanted to know if the opinions on this subject were specific to men or women.

On my blog, MakesMeWannaHoller.com, I hosted a new poll in an effort to answer this question.  71% of respondents who thought their love lives had improved since marriage were women, whereas only 29% of men felt this way.  I naturally assumed that the majority of people who thought their love lives had deteriorated since marriage would be men.  I was wrong.  Men and women were evenly split, 50/50 on the matter. It turns out men and women have similar feelings about sex and the lack of it. Welcome to 2009, men.

If this sentiment isn’t gender specific, then what’s going on?  I believe the problem lies in the routine that the institution of marriage inevitably creates for two people.

A reader weighing on my post from last week stated, the “spontaneity and/or expectation of romance or sexiness [is canceled out],” by the comfort that comes from marriage.  In this writer’s opinion, it isn’t cancelled, but it is muted considerably.  The following is an all too typical scenario for couples: getting up at a certain time to get to work by a certain time and kids are in the picture, they have to be rustled out of bed, gotten ready for the day and hauled off to their respective daycare services and/or schools.  At the end of the workday the goal is to make sure to leave work by a certain time to ensure picking up the kids on time, putting food on the table, checking homework and getting everyone ready to do it all again the next day.  Typically after all this is done, then and only then, an opportunity for intimacy arises. By then one if not both spouses have worked a sixteen to eighteen hour day.  Repeat this routine five days in a row, every week for nine to ten months each year.  Add to this your healthy helping of daily stress and intimacy gets pushed further and further to the backburner until it simply ceases to exist.

Sometimes, some men will seek to “get some” despite these factors, skipping foreplay and cutting straight to the chase.  Wives usually have a standard rebuff for this, such as my personal favorite, “My face hurts,” spoken by actress, Gina Torres, in the Chris Rock movie, I Think I Love My Wife.  Wives want intimacy for two reasons in particular, 1) they deserve it; and 2) because most know they deserve it, anything less suggests a second-rate existence.  Unfortunately, this too can add stress and strain the relationship.

If you have a little patience than what I’ve just described, I believe one way to regain intimacy is through getting reacquainted and in some instances, acquainted.  Singles call this dating.  This requires couples to make time for just each other in addition to all the “work” that is required of marriage.  It can be done, although daunting, especially when you have kids.  There are thirty days in each month and 365 days in a year.  I, myself, went from being a non-believer, to managing to carve out one date with my wife once every two months to where I am as of the writing of this piece: twice a month, including an occasional surprise date.  I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m getting there.

I made the time because my spouse and my marriage are worth it.  Are yours?

Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City and writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He also writes a fatherhood column at MochaManual.com. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.