Single Parent Crisis

Take 1:  It is my opinion, and I am sure it is that of many others, that children are entitled to a good home.  Unfortunately, a two-parent family is never a guarantee.  Never has been, never will. 

Take 2:  Statistics show that 90% of all single parents in America are women.  That’s approximately 10.4 million women.  Unfortunately, statistics also show that most of these women are living under the poverty level, struggling not only with day-to-day living, but also with the day-in and day-out challenges that single-parenting provides.  Being a single parent is difficult.  Not only do single parents experience the challenges mentioned above, they deal with the fear of being alone, abandonment, resentment and, most importantly, the anxiety of wondering what will happen to their children should they not be, for reasons beyond their control, able to care for them.

Besides all of the above, single parents have the additional stress factor of  doing their best to fill every role as a single parent.  Is it impossible?  Well, the answer to that is clear.  Yes.  Single parents can do their best to fill in the gaps as best as they can for the absent parent, and most of the time they do a very noteworthy job, but it is literally impossible per say to be a mother and try to fill a man’s shoes in the life of your children.  Just as it is almost impossible for a man to fill a woman’s shoes.  I can tell you from personal experience that for years I believed that I could be the “be all and do all” for my two older boys (during my single parent days), I was adamant that they didn’t need their fathers (due to their non-involvement at the time) and I would scream to the world that I was “daddy” as well as “mommy.”  However, as my boys grew into teenagers, it hit me like a ton of bricks.   I realized how wrong I was.  Being a father is just not in my dna make-up.  I could teach them all I knew about what I “thought”  or “expected” a man to be, but I couldn’t teach them how to be a man or really even ”understand” all that they were going through.  I could and did certainly do my best, but it became very clear that I certainly could not fill those shoes.  It was a hard pill for me to swallow.   Children need both parents for totally different reasons besides just parental nurturing and love.  They need both parents because that’s the way God planned it.  Unfortunately, in today’s world, we have to make do with what we have. 

On another note, unfortunately, single-parenthood is a vicious circle in our country.   In a study conducted by Bumpass and McLanahan about daughters and single mothers, the statistics may surprise you.  Daughters of single mothers have a:

• 53% chance of marrying while teenagers;
• 111% chance of having babies while they are teens;
• 164% chance of having babies out of wedlock; and
• 92% chance of having marital problems.

Source:  Parenting Tips

In conclusion, raising children on your own is more than hard and more than a challenge.  However, it can be done successfully with  intuitive, well-rounded children who grow and become successful, adults.   Is a two-parent family a better option?  Probably.  However, we don’t live in Wonderland where everything is perfect and where everything works out the way we plan it in the beginning.  In some cases, a two-parent family is also not indicative of what most consider a good home.   Actually, some two-parent homes are completely counter-productive of what a child needs due to constant conflict and sometimes verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

With that being said, it is my opinion that if we have to be single parents, we should be able to and should encourage healthy co-parent relationships so that our children can grow, learn and be nurtured by both parents.  So that one parent doesn’t have to fill the shoes of the other.  However, I live in reality and I know that some parents just do not want to be parents, let alone co-parent.  To that end, single parents, keep your head up.  Keep encouraging your children to grow.  Your children will be better because they have you. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

“PAY IT FORWARD” HOLIDAY IDEAS

As the holidays approach, our hearts tend to get bigger.  For me, I love the idea of “paying it forward” a little bit.  Why not spread a little holiday cheer to those less fortunate. 

Those less fortunate don’t have to be just homeless people, although those folks are very much on my mind during the winter and holiday season, as well as throughout the year.  But also, for example, those single parents spending Christmas alone or in general struggling to put food on the table and gifts under the tree.   I have to admit that I am a little partial as I was a single mom for years, and for many of those years I felt awful alone.  Although I was happy to be able to make my children happy on Christmas morning, for many years, my holiday cheer wasn’t so great.  Not only was I single and struggling but daggone it, there was never anything under the tree for me to open!  Of course, that sounds a little selfish, but really, it isn’t.  The struggles of single parents out there are one too many to count and during the holidays, it’s compounded. As a result, single parents often become depressed so it would be nice to “pay it forward” a bit and find a single parent to whom we can spread a little cheer if we are able.  Now, please note that my focus for this post is not about “receiving gifts” but rather to focus on just appreciating where each of us really is in our lives. Perhaps doing so will encourage us to think about someone else and thereby, make a difference.

Here are a few ideas I thought I would share with you:

1.  One thing I always like to do during the season is to make a pact with myself that I will not spend money eating out during lunch hours at work and take that little bit of money to purchase 5 or 10 separate $5.00 gift cards from a restaurant and/or Starbucks and hand them out to homeless people I see on the street downtown in the city I live in.  It may not be much but each one I have handed out in the past, the person has been extremely appreciative to be able to purchase a small hot meal and/or a hot chocolate or coffee in the extreme cold weather.   This year, my little boy will accompany me in handing out the cards.  I feel it is important that he knows how very important it is to offer his hand of  help.  He is old enough now and that giving lesson will take him through the rest of his life, and will be one that he can pass on.

2.  Help out by buying a few extra food pantry items at your local grocery store and taking them to your local church or organization that gives out gift boxes each year and/or taking a bag of groceries to the single parent you might know from work that is struggling would make a huge difference.

3.  Talk to your job administrators about adopting a nursing home for the holidays.  We do this at my job every single year and year after year, and I get so much joy out of receiving a list of what a special elderly person may want for Christmas and getting everything on that list!  Now, of course, you don’t have to purchase everything they ask for, but for me, the 3 or 4 small items they usually want doesnt bust a hole in my pocket and I love doing it.  I have actually witnessed the delivery of these gifts and the reactions these folks have when they receive their gifts.  Some are very alone.  Some get no visitors at all.  It is extra special and always touches my heart in more ways than one. 

Remember TMF readers, Christmas is not as much about opening presents as it is about opening our hearts.  Sometimes in life things happen to us that are bigger than we are for the moment and a lot of those times people just need a “hand-up.”  Remember, Giving is itself a GIFT. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Giving!
Di

An Interview with Chef Tony

Antonio Accepting Award

On Saturday, April 24th, 2010, Antonio Thomas entered his first cooking competition at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy and won 2nd Place, landing him a Chef’s hat and coat, a professional kitchen knife, a $125 gift certificate for cookbooks, and a $2,000 scholarship towards his culinary education.

When asked why he decided to become a chef, Antonio responded, “I know what it’s like to be hungry. When I become a chef and open my restaurant I can use part on my earnings to feed the homeless and make sure families don’t go hungry. I’ve always helped my mom by making lunch and helping with dinner. It was amazing how she would make something out of nothing and make it taste good.”

 I had the privilege of chatting with an amazing young man a couple of weeks ago. In the interview below, Tony shares his insight regarding his love for cooking as well as growing up in a single parent home (at one point) and a stepfamily.   The lessons we learn from kids who are in the trenches, living the modern family lifestyle everyday, is absolutely incredible. I learned so much from this young man as his wisdom far exceeds his age.  I also picked up some cooking tips from the young chef.

 Diane: What are the most important items one should always have in their home pantry?

 Tony: Salt, sugar, flour, wine, and oil,  

Diane:  I love to incorporate spice in my cooking.  What 5 spices should I never go without in my kitchen and which one do you think is often the most misunderstood?

Tony:     Salt, pepper, garlic, paprika, and onion powder. Most meals begin with these basic ingredients.

Diane: Coming from being raised by a single-mom, what began your interest in the culinary field?  Was it from watching and admiring her in the kitchen? 

Tony: No matter what we had in the kitchen she always made something out of nothing.  I would look in the fridge and the cabinets and see nothing to eat.  Then she would come home and whip up a meal out of whatever we had and It always tasted great!

  Diane: Cooking is one of my personal passions as well.   I get a huge release and relaxation from creating in the kitchen.  I try to recreate the stories of my life through my food (i.e., dishes my grandmother made by going through her old marked-up cookbooks, etc.).  Sounds corney, huh?  Tell me what inspires your cooking.

Tony: My inspiration for cooking comes from creating dishes and watching others enjoy my food.

Diane: I grew up in a single-parent household as well.  I remember that my mother used to call me in from playing a few nights out of the week and try to get me to watch her cook because she felt it was important for a young girl to learn this skill.  Did your mother do the same with you?

 Tony: Yeah, I always stay up with her on holidays and watch her cook.  She would have all four burners going.  She’d be cleaning the greens and making my favorite ‘stuffing balls’ and I would watch her cook and clean up as she went along.  Then she would place this fabulous feast on the table and I would remember that all this food was once groceries that I had just put up.

Kela: What is your definition of family?

 Tony: No matter what we went through my mother always showed me that she loved me.  It made the tough times not so tough and I love her for that.  So my definition would be – LOVE

Kela:  Will you share any words of encouragement for other children who are being raised by a single mother or are in a stepfamily situation?

Tony: Do your part to make it work.  Being the oldest I have had a few step dads.  Some were great, some were pretty cool, and some just didn’t work out.  I learned that it take the parents and the children to make the step family thing work.  If everyone does their part to make the house a loving home it will work.  There will be misunderstandings and everyone won’t always agree, but if everyone at least tries to understand where others are coming from, everything will be just fine just fine just fine whew!) in my Mary J Blige voice

  Kela: What’s next for you – after culinary school?

Tony: I plan to open my own restaurant.  A high end restaurant that will serve fine dining and all the left over food will be served to homeless families at my mom’s shelter. Because it will keep me grounded so that I will never forget where I came from.

Single Moms: Bloom Where You Are Planted!

Today, I was inspired by a young, 20-something single-mom who happens to be a close family friend.  She shared with me some of her recent struggles and her story was so reminiscent of my 20-year old single mother days that I had to put my thoughts down for all the single mothers out there who are struggling everyday; those who are also gifted with life experiences that today seem hard, but will one day be looked at as just one part of an amazing journey.

My advice is simple ladies:  Bloom where you are planted!

I spent essentially 15 years being a single mother in between the birth of my 3 children, a marriage and then being widowed.  During that time there were struggles, challenges and difficult conditions.  After lots of stress and struggle, I came to the realization that I could choose to still live an abundant life. It became empowering to know that I could put my energies toward the things and people who are most important to me instead focusing on or giving my power away to those struggles.  I wasn’t going to let them get the best of me.  And, single moms, trust me, I went through some stuff that could have easily wiped me out as a young woman and as a parent.

After a while, it took acceptance in order to appreciate that I could be just as successful in my personal and private life as a single mother as any married woman with children could.  The first lesson I had to learn was that of balance.  Life’s demands can make a person go crazy, add in single parenthood and you could, at times, feel like you have molotov cocktail on your hands.  Let’s be real.  Your day starts by getting up at the crack of dawn to get the kids fed and ready for daycare or school; you go to work all day and deal with crap there, only to come home and work another 8 hours handling everything on your own.  Add in attending school functions, the stress of being the sole provider, spending quality time with your children and all else that comes with running a household, which often times means robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Yes, married mothers go through some of these same struggles, but it is when you know that you do not have anyone else to fall back on that those mole hills feel like they are turning into huge mountains for you to climb.

However, with maturity comes acceptance and with acceptance comes growth.  Single mothers, the most important thing you can do to maintain your growth is to nurture yourself.  What do I mean above when I say, “Bloom Where Your Planted?”  I mean, find your strengths, accept your weaknesses and then grow.  The first step is to figure out what makes you happy in your own personal life.  Not in the life you lead with your children, but what makes you personally happy as an individual.  An example can be going back to school, indulging yourself in a specific hobby, focusing on your spiritual side.  Second, don’t be so hard on yourself.   Any decisions you have made that may not have totally been in your best interest at the time, you can use as learning tools.  We only learn to grow through making mistakes.  Third, be open for development.  Find a way to work in that extra class (i.e., online training, etc.) to advance yourself.  I worked for 2 years on my paralegal degree through correspondence training.  With all that was on my plate, it was the only option at the time.  When my boys went to bed, I went to school in my little apartment.  Read self-help books (they worked wonders for me).  Get involved in your church.  Find ways, outside of the stresses of work and home life to feel good about yourself.  Fourth, if you need help, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.  We all need help once in a while.  Another point I would like to stress is this:  DO NOT get stuck in dead-end relationships.  Always keep your power in your own control.  Never give your power to another person and then rely on them for your happiness.  Form your personal relationships on your own terms, not someone else’s.  It is not until you are in a good, stable and secure place with yourself that you are able to accept a good man into your life.  When we are insecure and unstable, we tend to settle for less.  Never settle for less.

Being able to bloom where you are planted means when you get weak, think about where you are today versus where you were 6 months or a year ago.  Being able to love ourselves and accept our situations for what they are right now allows us to succeed where we are.  It creates the path for our futures which in turn directs our steps toward moving on from the typical stereotypes that come along with single motherhood.  Taking time to reflect on the positive attributes of your life once in a while will do you good.  At the same time, reflecting, but not dwelling, on the negative will allow you to basically compare yourself to the only person you should compare yourself to and that is YOU.   Most importantly, loving and accepting yourself for who you are to yourself and your children and being proud of where you have come is very important.  There are no limits for your future as long as you are open and willing to grasp opportunities.

Lastly ladies, if you don’t take anything from this article, remember that you are not defined by what others think of you.  We find definition in our compassion and unconditional love for our children and our own self-acceptance, self-worth, compassion and love for ourselves.  So, surround yourself with uplifting people who truly care about you and your children’s well-being.

KUDOS to all you single moms out there doing what others think is impossible! Keep on blooming!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Single Parent by Choice

There has been a growing trend over the past few years and that is single parenting by choice.   A recent morning program featuring two women discussing the subject of “choosing single motherhood” sparked my interest.  According to the US Census Bureau, almost one-third of the children in the United States are being raised in single parent households and the demographics of single parents are usually women in their mid to late 30′s who have at least a four year college education.

During the program, two women were on discussing how much healthier they thought it was to be raised by a single mom because in their opinion, the child had a say in most of the major decision making that took place in the household and therefore, felt happier and more well-rounded because of it.  That part of the conversation I did not agree with.  In my opinion, children, whether they are in a single parent home or in a two parent, traditional home, need not to be making parental decisions period, end of story.  They are children.  They should not have to worry about parental duties as children.

Due to the high divorce rate, a good portion of these women, in the absence of a healthy relationship, have decided to branch out and have children, without partnership.   Although alone, they feel that rather than being in a relationship they are not happy with and having children, they see being a loving, healthy single parent as a viable option.

With that being said, I can see where a woman might choose this option, however, this subject begs the question, “is it really fair for a child not to have two parents?  Considering the dilemma regarding absent fathers as it is in the United States, is it really healthy to promote single parenthood with the assumption that the father of the  child will have no involvement from the beginning?  Doesn’t every child deserve to have the satisfaction of having two parents?  I know that every day, children are abandoned by an absent parent (whether that be a mother or a father), and every day, a woman is forced into single motherhood, but is it actually fair to CHOOSE this route?

TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this subject.  Being a single parent in the past for many years myself, I know how hard that was for me.  As I have discussed in prior posts, it was during that time in my life that I was able to truly define myself as an individual and as a mother.  However, if it had been my CHOICE, I wouldn’t have had it that way.  It was hard to raise my children without a father.  Children need their fathers.  As a mother of boys, I  could do my best to teach them how to be men, but as a woman, it was a challenge.

Although I respect these women’s position and opinion, I personally feel that choosing to be a single mother is not always in the best interest of the children involved.

I’d love to hear your opinion.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Jumping Those Single Parent Hurdles

Learning to date.  Finding happiness again.  Facing new challenges alone.  All three of these issues are relevant in the lives of a single parent.  Throw in the issue of dating and there is a great possibility that you may find yourself overwhelmed.

I was a single parent for many years before getting married and 3 months later becoming widowed.  I was then a single parent again for the next 6 years before marrying my current husband.  I will tell you that being a single mother was one of the hardest experiences I have ever faced, but it was also one of the most rewarding.   It was during those years that I found myself.   It was during those trials and turbulent times that I found that I had a deep inner strength that I didn’t know I had.  It was during that time that I became aware of what I truly was capable of.  Many single parents, I am sure, have felt or feel now the way I did.  There may be many of you right now reading this post who feel as if your journey is just beginning and you are re-learning who you really are.  With that, I wanted to share with you some of the challenges you may face but also give you some solutions as you go through them:

Learn to re-train your individuality outside of parenthood

One of the mistakes we make as single parents is allowing the act of “parenting” to consume or rule our whole lives.  Most single parents, including myself, have in the past or are currently making this mistake.  For the record, to me, this is the single most difficult hurdle to overcome.  It is ingrained in our minds and  in our upbringings to put our children before ourselves.  If we don’t, we are considered “neglectful.”  However, I learned a long time ago that not taking care of my own physical and emotional well-being, FIRST, made it almost impossible to properly take care of or attend to my children’s needs.  It is crucial to pay attention to our needs as parents but also to our needs as individuals.

Becoming dependent on your children for your own happiness

Unfortunately, during times of our own crisis as parents, we tend to reverse our roles as parents and turn to our children completely for our happiness.  Our children naturally bring us happiness but forcing our problems and issues upon them and making them feel responsible for making us happy is not just unfair to them but also not in their best interest.

Everyone needs to take a mental health day, including parents.  Don’t feel guilty about having a babysitter come in for the day (if it is feasible to your budget) so that you can enjoy a little of your own therapy time.  Whether that therapy be getting a manicure and pedicure, shopping for the day, or just a trip to the park to read a good book, it is very important to find what makes us happy and create our own blueprints in our lives.  In order to make our children happy, we have to be individually happy as well.

Preconceived notions

Most people assume that single parents need to be multi-taskers all of the time.  Well, I disagree.  Sometimes, we need to be single-taskers.   There will be times when you can’t “be all and do all” for everyone.  This does not make you an inadequate or bad parent.  It makes you human.   Research has also shown that multi-tasking can actually be counter-productive.  It doesn’t allow you to really focus properly on what you are trying to accomplish.   Take each day, one day at a time, and do your best.

Being a single parent is tough.  Sometimes, it can even be cruel.  However if you remember to follow your own blueprints, your journey will be filled with some of the greatest memories and rewards you can imagine.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Single Parenting Can Be Challenging and Triumphant

“More than half of the children in the US will live, for some time, in a single-parent household.”
Dr. Benjamin Spock

In today’s society, living in a two parent home is like being on the endangered species list.  As Dr. Spock said, more than half of all the children in the United States live or have lived in a single-parent household.  I remember growing up being raised by my single-mother in the late 70′s and early 80′s and I thought I was the “only one” at times.  All of my classmates’ parents were married.  I was also a single mother for years so I have walked in the same shoes some of you readers are walking in right now.  It’s not an easy road to travel.   However, for all the pitfalls that can be experienced during single parenthood, there are many success stories and triumphs as well.  One of the triumphs that I personally experienced as a single mother was that I found out that I am a very strong person.  I found out that I could handle a lot more than I initially thought I could.  I became very self-reliant and less co-dependent on others.  Many times, I discovered that I had more strength than I ever gave myself credit for.  Looking back now, I think, those times were tough, but we made it.  I accepted the challenges and I grew through them.

One of the main struggles single parents deal with is financial stability.  This can be one of the most difficult.  What I found is that during times like these, you have quickly learn to be resourceful.   You have to learn to be the provider for your children, the carpenter, the electrician, the cook, the banker, the auto mechanic, the grocer and mom or dad all at the same time because you can’t afford to pay anyone to do anything extra.  A lot of the times, some single parents do all of these things on one income and don’t get any child support.  Talk about stress.

Through all of the challenges that single parenthood can bring, you can be successful, no matter the stigma of society.  Although, obviously, a two-parent home is divine and was the original plan, life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.  You can have success being a single parent and I have seen many very inspiring children become extremely intelligent, responsible and well rounded adults who were raised by a single mother or father.  Those children learned to be independent.  They learned early on that learning to deal with strife is part of life’s learning process and it’s how you get through those challenges that make the difference.  They learned to take responsibility for their actions and solve their problems through self-reliance.

If you are a new single parent, here are a few tips that you might find helpful:

1.  Take care of yourself.  Talk to other single parents.  When times are tough, it is easy to get caught up in all of the problems.  You become stressed out and my philosophy on this is “when mama or daddy ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!”  Take time to refresh yourself once in a while.  Even if that means you have to enlist your parents or siblings to watch the children and you have a day to yourself in your own apartment.  Give yourself that time.

2.  Be a good example. Make sure your values always exemplify how you want your children to see you and what you want them to grow up to teach their children.

3.  Do not alienate the other parent.  This never works.  It actually has the opposite effect in the long run.  Make sure you keep your personal feelings for your ex or your children’s father or mother out of your decision making regarding your children’s relationship with him/her.

4.  Make a budget and stick to it.  This is the most stressful situation for a single parent.  Make a budget (go online – there are plenty of them for free) and stick to it.  This is imperative and will reduce your stress.

5.  Avoid negative labels.  Keep your head up.  Do not allow the stigma that society places on you change who you are.  You are strong, you will get through this time in life.

None of the above tips are always easy to stick by, but you will be glad you did.  Simply put, being a single-parent is hard but despite problems, you can achieve a closeness with your children that will never be broken.  During the process, you might get a little grayer (hair that is) but you will definitely come out of the situation a wiser and stronger person for it.  I know I did.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Join Judge Hatchett’s Dreampost Campaign Today!

"We were meant to parent as a community."

Parent Power Now is a movement that Judge Hatchett started in order to encourage one million parents to join her Dreampost Campaign.  The campaign encourages parents to post their children’s dreams where the child can see them. You can visit www.parentpowernow.com to download a handprint, on which to boldly write your child’s dream, and then post it on the ceiling above their bed. This is so that it is the first thing they see when they wake up and the last thing they see before they go to bed.

Judge Hatchett encourages parents to expect greatness instead of accepting or making excuses for their children. Whether your child is growing up without a father, is a product of divorce, has a learning disability or is having difficulty navigating through their stepfamily; children need to be taught perserance and resilience, not given or allowed to make tons of excuses because of their circumstances. They should be taught that greatness can be achieved in spite of and sometimes because of their circumstances.

Parents take your power back and start guiding your children instead of allowing their excuses and emotions, due to their circumstances, guide you. You are the parent! Join the Parent Power Now Dreampost Campaign and start encouraging and expecting greatness from your children. Remember, you are your children’s greatest teacher and cheer section. Push them to move beyond their circumstances and then cheer them on! Visit www.parentpowernow.com and join Judge Hatchett’s Dreampost Campaign.

About Judge Glenda Hatchett

Judge Glenda Hatchett

Glenda Hatchett graduated from the Emory University School of Law and became Georgia’s first African-American Chief Presiding Judge of a state court and the department head of one of the largest juvenile court systems in the country. Presently, Hatchett presides over the syndicated show, “Judge Hatchett” currently in its 8^th season (Sony Pictures Television), and is author of the national best-seller, “Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say” (HarperCollins). She has previously served on the Board of Directors of Gap, Inc. the Hospital Corporation of America (HCA), and The Service Master Company. She also serves on the Boys and Girls Clubs of America National Board of Governors and she resides in Atlanta, Georgia with her two sons.

Vacations with your ex-spouse?

Lately, I’ve come across a few blog posts that suggest, encourage and even advocate for ex-spouses spending time together with their children of divorce. Some even suggest vacationing once a year with the divorced family. They feel that doing so will be beneficial to the kids because it’s one time of the year or week when they don’t have to choose between their parents. Interesting- I thought to myself. I’ll be the first to admit that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to blending a family and what works for one family may not work the other. This approach definitely wouldn’t work for mine.

Although the posts suggest that this idea is beneficial to the children because it’s one day of the week or one time of the year when the child faces no loyalty binds, I’ve seen the exact opposite in my family. For example, my ex, his wife and my husband and I get along pretty well. I’ve been invited over to their house for different gatherings and they, including their son are welcome in my home as well. And although my son loves the fact that we all get along, in the beginning, I could sense the awkardness and level of discomfort he experienced when we are all together. It actually put him in a position of having to choose because he didn’t know who to gravitate to in that situation; his bonus dad and I, whom he is very close to, or his bio dad and bonus mom, whom he was developing a connection with. I could tell that he didn’t want to hurt any of our feelings and vowed to never put him in that situation again. I wanted him to develop a positive connection that was independent of me with his paternal side of the family. One that I always encourage, but don’t necessarily actively participate in. Meaning, it’s not necessary for me to go family trips, attend holiday gatherings or spend time with their family. As a matter of fact, it’s healthier for my son to develop these relationships and connections with his dad and stepmom without me.

Additionally, my son has no desire to spend time with my ex and I. It feels awkard to him, like everyone isn’t in their rightful place. Yet, he is still aware that his mother and father love him, but are just with different people now who also love him. As such, he doesn’t feel as if he’s missing out or that he has to choose between any of us. We all encourage our independent relationships with him as well as act friendly towards each other when in his presence. This has been enough for our son, who is a well-adjusted, high-achieving, compassionate little boy. It didn’t take weekly dinners between my ex and I and yearly vacations for us to achieve this. It took us all working together, in a friendly manner that is based on mutual respect, love for our child and lots of communication.

Also, taking a yearly vacation with your ex-spouse and children of divorce can be quite expensive and unrealistic if you both are remarried. Why? Because my husband and I also take yearly vacations with our family and so does my ex and his family. As you can imagine, unless you have an endless pot of money at the end of some rainbow, this can be quite costly. I’d be going on a vacation with my ex and our son, my husband would go with his ex and their son, and then we’d all go with our blended families as well.  Whew! That’s a lot of vacations during the year! This may work for divorced couples who don’t have any commitments to other spouses, their children together, etc., but it would be rather difficult for ex-spouses who are both remarried and have children with their current spouses. Yep, kind of difficult. Ideally, it sounds good, I guess, if you want to further confuse the child about the divorce in the first place, but it isn’t realistic.

Bear in mind that this is my opinion based on my experience and maybe it’s different with boys versus girls. But I know that my husband and his ex-spouse attempted this whole let’s do everything together for the sake of our son thing (before I came along). They even moved back in with each other after they separated for the sake of their son or pure convenience, and for YEARS all my bonus son dreamed of was them getting back together (and they weren’t even together for 3 years of his life prior to their separation and his parents argued ALL THE TIME). Kids don’t understand words, they understand actions. And you can tell them all day long that mommy and daddy are divorced and we do not plan to get back together, but if you’re still taking vacations together and living in the same house, trust me, they are not paying attention to what you say, but what you do.

On the other hand, my son adjusted well to his biological parents not being together (and we were together for almost 4 years of my son’s life AND WE DIDN’T ARGUE) and was more accepting of my husband when he came along. He saw it as an added bonus instead of a threat to this fantasy of his mom and dad being back together. We’ve [his bio dad and I] always reinforced our love for him and have encouraged him to love his step-parents as well. We’ve told him that we will always be there for him, but have never wanted to confuse him by still playing house even though we weren’t together.

As a result, based on my experience and statistical research, I will have to conclude that this idea of vacationing with ex-spouses and/or spending weekly  time together with the children is not a very good idea for most. In most cases the very thing that divorced parents are trying not to do (hurt and confuse their children), they just might end up doing anyway, as in the case with my bonus son. Overall, parents should be careful in allowing their emotions or intellect to guide their decision for their children of divorce. Make sure it’s something that your children will benefit from in the long run and not something you think they want because it’s what you want.

What about you TMF readers? How many of you vacation with your ex-spouse and/or have a weekly dinner or lunch with him or her and your children together? How does this arrangement work for you? How do you explain it to your children? We’d be interested in hearing if and how it actually works for other families.

Disclaimer: For the record, I am not telling families who do participate in these types of divorce rituals that they are wrong and should do things my way. I am simply stating that, according to research and based on my personal experience, that it didn’t/doesn’t work for my family. As I stated in the beginning of the post, I’m aware that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to blending a family. That being said, I don’t want women or men to feel compelled to take yearly vacations with their ex-spouse because they think it’s the ONLY way the children will be well-adjusted. This is certainly not the case.

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