Happy New Year – 2012!

December 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

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Single Parent Crisis

February 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Take 1:  It is my opinion, and I am sure it is that of many others, that children are entitled to a good home.  Unfortunately, a two-parent family is never a guarantee.  Never has been, never will. 

Take 2:  Statistics show that 90% of all single parents in America are women.  That’s approximately 10.4 million women.  Unfortunately, statistics also show that most of these women are living under the poverty level, struggling not only with day-to-day living, but also with the day-in and day-out challenges that single-parenting provides.  Being a single parent is difficult.  Not only do single parents experience the challenges mentioned above, they deal with the fear of being alone, abandonment, resentment and, most importantly, the anxiety of wondering what will happen to their children should they not be, for reasons beyond their control, able to care for them.

Besides all of the above, single parents have the additional stress factor of  doing their best to fill every role as a single parent.  Is it impossible?  Well, the answer to that is clear.  Yes.  Single parents can do their best to fill in the gaps as best as they can for the absent parent, and most of the time they do a very noteworthy job, but it is literally impossible per say to be a mother and try to fill a man’s shoes in the life of your children.  Just as it is almost impossible for a man to fill a woman’s shoes.  I can tell you from personal experience that for years I believed that I could be the “be all and do all” for my two older boys (during my single parent days), I was adamant that they didn’t need their fathers (due to their non-involvement at the time) and I would scream to the world that I was “daddy” as well as “mommy.”  However, as my boys grew into teenagers, it hit me like a ton of bricks.   I realized how wrong I was.  Being a father is just not in my dna make-up.  I could teach them all I knew about what I “thought”  or “expected” a man to be, but I couldn’t teach them how to be a man or really even ”understand” all that they were going through.  I could and did certainly do my best, but it became very clear that I certainly could not fill those shoes.  It was a hard pill for me to swallow.   Children need both parents for totally different reasons besides just parental nurturing and love.  They need both parents because that’s the way God planned it.  Unfortunately, in today’s world, we have to make do with what we have. 

On another note, unfortunately, single-parenthood is a vicious circle in our country.   In a study conducted by Bumpass and McLanahan about daughters and single mothers, the statistics may surprise you.  Daughters of single mothers have a:

  • 53% chance of marrying while teenagers;
  • 111% chance of having babies while they are teens;
  • 164% chance of having babies out of wedlock; and
  • 92% chance of having marital problems.

Source:  Parenting Tips

In conclusion, raising children on your own is more than hard and more than a challenge.  However, it can be done successfully with  intuitive, well-rounded children who grow and become successful, adults.   Is a two-parent family a better option?  Probably.  However, we don’t live in Wonderland where everything is perfect and where everything works out the way we plan it in the beginning.  In some cases, a two-parent family is also not indicative of what most consider a good home.   Actually, some two-parent homes are completely counter-productive of what a child needs due to constant conflict and sometimes verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

With that being said, it is my opinion that if we have to be single parents, we should be able to and should encourage healthy co-parent relationships so that our children can grow, learn and be nurtured by both parents.  So that one parent doesn’t have to fill the shoes of the other.  However, I live in reality and I know that some parents just do not want to be parents, let alone co-parent.  To that end, single parents, keep your head up.  Keep encouraging your children to grow.  Your children will be better because they have you. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Jumping Those Single Parent Hurdles

April 24, 2010 By 1 Comment

daughterrmotherLearning to date.  Finding happiness again.  Facing new challenges alone.  All three of these issues are relevant in the lives of a single parent.  Throw in the issue of dating and there is a great possibility that you may find yourself overwhelmed.

I was a single parent for many years before getting married and 3 months later becoming widowed.  I was then a single parent again for the next 6 years before marrying my current husband.  I will tell you that being a single mother was one of the hardest experiences I have ever faced, but it was also one of the most rewarding.   It was during those years that I found myself.   It was during those trials and turbulent times that I found that I had a deep inner strength that I didn’t know I had.  It was during that time that I became aware of what I truly was capable of.  Many single parents, I am sure, have felt or feel now the way I did.  There may be many of you right now reading this post who feel as if your journey is just beginning and you are re-learning who you really are.  With that, I wanted to share with you some of the challenges you may face but also give you some solutions as you go through them:

Learn to re-train your individuality outside of parenthood

One of the mistakes we make as single parents is allowing the act of “parenting” to consume or rule our whole lives.  Most single parents, including myself, have in the past or are currently making this mistake.  For the record, to me, this is the single most difficult hurdle to overcome.  It is ingrained in our minds and  in our upbringings to put our children before ourselves.  If we don’t, we are considered “neglectful.”  However, I learned a long time ago that not taking care of my own physical and emotional well-being, FIRST, made it almost impossible to properly take care of or attend to my children’s needs.  It is crucial to pay attention to our needs as parents but also to our needs as individuals.

Becoming dependent on your children for your own happiness

Unfortunately, during times of our own crisis as parents, we tend to reverse our roles as parents and turn to our children completely for our happiness.  Our children naturally bring us happiness but forcing our problems and issues upon them and making them feel responsible for making us happy is not just unfair to them but also not in their best interest.

Everyone needs to take a mental health day, including parents.  Don’t feel guilty about having a babysitter come in for the day (if it is feasible to your budget) so that you can enjoy a little of your own therapy time.  Whether that therapy be getting a manicure and pedicure, shopping for the day, or just a trip to the park to read a good book, it is very important to find what makes us happy and create our own blueprints in our lives.  In order to make our children happy, we have to be individually happy as well.

Preconceived notions

Most people assume that single parents need to be multi-taskers all of the time.  Well, I disagree.  Sometimes, we need to be single-taskers.   There will be times when you can’t “be all and do all” for everyone.  This does not make you an inadequate or bad parent.  It makes you human.   Research has also shown that multi-tasking can actually be counter-productive.  It doesn’t allow you to really focus properly on what you are trying to accomplish.   Take each day, one day at a time, and do your best.

Being a single parent is tough.  Sometimes, it can even be cruel.  However if you remember to follow your own blueprints, your journey will be filled with some of the greatest memories and rewards you can imagine.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Life After Divorce

February 12, 2010 By 4 Comments

divorcedmomThere is no easy answer to divorce.  Every family that experiences divorce experiences pain, grief, anger, fear, guilt and especially feelings of sheer sadness.

If you have suddenly been confronted with single parenthood as a result of a divorce, it is a crucial time for you to realize that you must accept change as best you can and move toward revitalization of you and your children’s lives.  However, that is always easier said than done.  An important factor to look for and to seek out during this crucial time is a good support system.  An example can be your church pastor or group, a private professional counselor trained to handle these issues, a good friend or even members of your own family.  You will need help getting acclimated to your new position and, at times, this can be relatively hard to handle alone while you are going through all the emotional changes divorce can bring.

Another important factor to apply is positivity.  Being positive will help during challenging times.  Again, you might say, “easier said than done.”  I agree.  However, focusing on the negative aspects of your situation gets you where?  Exactly….. absolutely no where!  Not to mention, constant negativity makes a child’s transition in divorce ten times as hard to trudge through.  First, they have to deal with what some have compared to a “death” blow to their entire existence with their parents divorcing so in fact, negativity (i.e., involving them in grown folks business or disparagement of your ex-spouse, etc.) during this time only causes them further pain.

If you are in a new remarriage and trying to reinvent and reinvigorate your family, it is so important to communicate with your children about the changes taking place in their lives.  Children are smart and know when things have gone awry in their lives.  They are still in a very fragile acceptance mode with a new remarriage and need stability and lots of care.  Predictability fosters security for children.  Not allowing their whole life to change because of your divorce is crucial.  Keep some sense of normalcy.  Keep them in the same activities, if you can.  Communicate with them about their feelings and the changes taking place around them.  By doing so, you are teaching them how to handle adversity and protecting and preparing them for further changes that may arise in the future.  We often think that if we alter our children’s reality that we are saving them from hurt and pain.  As I said above, children are very intuitive human beings. Not only that, but “protecting” them from reality is not properly preparing them for life.

As I mentioned above, the main component and most integral part of reinvigorating your family is support.  Co-parenting first and supporting your children together will help them accept the changes being made in a “positive” way.  As we often state here at Today’s Modern Family, there are never “ex-parents” only “ex-spouses.”  Another key component is committing to co-parenting with your ex-spouse on a healthy level so as to not interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent.  In other words, the drama between the two of you shouldn’t have to be your child’s drama nor should he/she have to carry that load on their shoulders.  They want to love both parents and have the right to do so.  Again, this is where being positive plays a major role.  In other words, being good co-parents makes the road your children will have to travel a little less bumpy.

stepfamIf you are living in a new step-family or are about to embark on the path of step-parenthood, keep in mind that your expectations must be in line with the reality of your new position and situation.  The children involved do not have to fall in love with you right away and probably won’t.  On the other hand, the same holds true for you and you are not a bad step-parent if you don’t love your step-child right away.  That relationship will build over time.  If you are a bio-parent, allow your child the opportunity to learn about his/her step-parent on their own terms.  Do not compete.  Do not force your opinions on your children.  Doing so,  will allow you to open the door for your children to make his/her own choices and form their own individual opinions.  That is what you would teach them otherwise if you were still married and in your nuclear family and what you would want in return from your ex-spouse, correct?  Your choices will have a direct effect on the positive or negative energy that your child brings into their new found life as a stepchild.

Children need to feel that they are a part of each of their parents and that means their parents’ families.  Accepting that your own feelings and views about your ex-spouse  or his/her new partner are just that…YOUR feelings and views.  Not forcing them and making them issues for your children only benefit them.  It allows them the freedom of expressing their own feelings and emotions, and allows them to feel validated.

By nurturing not only your children but yourself as well, during this time, you will be setting a clear example of what it means to effectively co-parent and to reinvent and reinvigorate your new life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Divorce and Befriending Your Child

January 2, 2010 By 7 Comments

parentteensmIn the 21st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent.  Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them.  In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved.  Parents are not parenting.  Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being.  Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families.  I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.

For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision.  Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior.  When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol.  The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.

As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce.  Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause.  The other person harmed is the child.  Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you.  They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid.  They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections.  When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite.  A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness.  In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them.  Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask?  I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing.  They use their children.  The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious.  Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.

Remember, all of your feelings are okay – how you act upon those feelings are not.  Be a parent, not a friend.  When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend.  BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue.  Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend?  Do you think it’s appropriate?  Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role?  I invite your comments and dialogue.

Di

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