All Moms Need Self-Care

The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.

I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.

Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and  look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.

Stepmoms Stop Whining

The title of this post may seem a bit harsh but as a reformed whiner baby, let me explain what I mean when I say, “quit your whining!” Like Peggy Nolan, publisher of Stepmom’s Toolbox blog and co-host of Stepmom’s Toolbox radio show, said in a recent guest article, “you can’t make someone love you by the number of things you do,” so quit whining about everything you do and everything that’s done to you and just stop doing it. Now before I get a load of emails from ex-wives and even some stepmoms, claiming that the big bad stepfamily counselor told them not to love their step children and/or support their husbands, I can assure you that that’s not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that it’s okay to verbalize what you will and won’t do, instead of doing it and then whining about it later.

The number one stepmom complaint that I’ve heard, read and even experienced is they [husband and ex-wife] makes plans for their kids without consulting me, yet they expect me to be involved in the plans.  For example, husband and ex-wife sign kid up for little league soccer, but neither of them can take him; or they scheduled an orthodontic appointment for you to take her to, without consulting you. I know it isn’t right but you don’t have to whine about it. You don’t even have to get angry. All you have to do is say NO! Let’s use the same orthodontic appoint ment to illustrate what I mean. When you find out that the appointment has been scheduled for a time that you can’t take her and no one has consulted you, you simply go to your husband and say, “honey bear, sugar foot, cupcake, baby (whatever pet name you use), you really should have consulted me prior to scheduling that appointment because I can’t take her. Since you two made the plans, one of you will have to take her.” If hubby says, okay and he’ll have ex-wife take her then you further explain that he’ll also need to be present for drop off and pick. And you let that be the end of the story. You don’t have to fight, get angry, or give him attitude about it. You simply have to state what it is that you will and won’t do and then go about your business.

As I stated earlier, I am a reformed whiner baby. I used to whine and complain all the time about how my husband and his ex-wife would take advantage of me. They made plans all the time and he got up and went to work and she was no where to be found. Bear in mind that I had to go to work, too. He just left before me and I was always left, baffled asking, “what in the hell just happened here?” After complaining for years, literally, I realized that I was becoming a bitter whiner that was just unpleasant to be around. That was until I got a clue; I actually have more power over the situation than I think because I can simply say no and let them deal with it. Now this of course ruffled the ex-wife’s feathers, but my husband actually understood where I was coming from because I approached him the right way. From that point on, he never made plans without consulting me again.

Here’s the revelation ladies: you have way more power than you think you do and will fair a lot better and reduce stress by controlling what you can instead of trying to control how everyone feels about you. Running yourself into the ground by doing a bunch of things in hopes that you’ll be appreciated or considered the good stepmom only makes you a bitter person.   Additionally, remember it’s all in how you approach your hubby as well; just say NO, without anger or attitude and go on your merry way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be and fit this unattainable notion of what a stepmom is. As I’ve said before, a stepmom doesn’t have to be the resident punching bag in order to be a good stepmom but often times, it’s the stepmother herself who places herself in that position. Just know that you can be loving, kind, supportive and caring without being taken advantage of. Putting your foot down (in certain situations) doesn’t make you bad, but it will keep you sane.

Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

BFSO talks with Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of “Stepmonster”

BFSO recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Act and Feel the Way They Do. Wednesday’s insight to stepmothering is literally like a great massage because it’s as if she’s massaging the tension right out of your shoulders when she suggests that it’s completely okay to put your marriage first. She says that stepmothers don’t have to bear all the responsibility for “fixing” something that we didn’t break in the first place. Additionally, she suggests that we drop the term current, second and new wife and adopt our rightful title of WIFE. I learned so much from Dr. Wednesday Martin and I’m so excited to share her insight with you! Check out the interview below.

BFSO: I LOVE the fact that you suggest that it’s okay to consider the stepmother and her feelings as experts explore the ups and downs of the stepfamily. Often times they only want to explore how the kids feel, how the husband feels or even how the ex-wife feels. In my opinion, it’s no surprise that stepmothers feel resentful and monsterish at times.  Why did you write this book?

Dr. Martin: I had a hard time adjusting to being in a relationship with a man with children–in spite of seeking out therapy, articles and books. Many of the books in particular disappointed me. They seemed unrealistic and they weren’t about MY reality at all. I found myself desperately seeking a book that looked at women with stepkids as people, rather than reducing us to the role of replacement parent or spouse supporter. I also wanted a book that told it like it IS, rather than lecturing to me about how I SHOULD act and feel and be. So often I would be searching for a book for women with stepkids, find one, and read it, only to discover that it was almost entirely about the stepkids and their feelings. That’s an important thing to understand, of course, but stepmothers need to see their own points of view validated, particularly since most experts agree that stepmothers have the toughest adjustment process of anyone in the stepfamily. Too often, focusing on how it is for the kids has become an exclusive focus, and has precluded our asking how it is for the stepmother. Finally, I didn’t want a bunch of reductive “recipes for success” or cookie-cutter “solutions.” I wanted a deep, comprehensive consideration of stepmothering–across cultures, across the ages, in literature, and so on. Stepmothering was such a rich, fascinating topic, and I wanted to do justice to not just the emotional aspects, but also the historical, literary, economic, legal, and social ones.

 BFSO: Why do you think society thinks it is SO wrong for a stepmother to want her feelings, needs and even wants considered in the stepfamily? Isn’t this encouraging women to put themselves last – as we often do? 

Dr. Martin: I think you’re right that part of the problem here is that we don’t want women to buck the tradition of always putting others first, of being self-abnegating, even. That would be profoundly threatening to the order of things, for lack of a better way of putting it. More specifically, our society is incredibly hypocritical about women with stepkids, for so many reasons that it took me three years of research and over 300 pages to lay it all out! But basically there is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions. Owing to what we might call our cultural script, there are currently two ways we think of women with stepkids: they’re either selfish stepmothers or selfless stepmartyrs. Quite a limited menu! Recently it has occurred to me that one of the reasons people are so offended by the mere idea of anyone taking a serious look at stepmother reality, or by stepmothers asserting their basic right to be heard and considered, is that stepfamilies and especially stepmothers are presumed guilty. A lot of people presume that a stepmother is a homewrecker, in spite of the fact that, statistically, most of us are not. Starting from that presumption (“She ruined a marriage and a family”) people feel it’s unseemly for that woman to “complain” after “what she did.” Hence the angry backlash–and the insistence that she put someone else’s kids first.

  BFSO: Do you think history plays a vital role in the stepmonster being the uniquely female hybrid? How so?

Dr. Martin: Yes I do. There’s just no getting around the fact that our suspicion and dislike of women with stepchildren has a long tradition. It goes back to ancient Greece and Rome, at least. In ancient Rome, for example, lawmakers introduced legislation to prevent men who remarried from assuming political office. The thinking was that anyone who would do something so terrible to his children could not be trusted to make good decisions for his country. And don’t forget about the Euripedes character, Phaedra, who wanted to seduce her stepson. Part of the reason we have a hard time shaking our dislike and distrust of stepmothers is it’s so deeply ingrained–in the case of ancient Greece and Rome, for example, it’s woven into the origins of our western cultural tradition! Evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and Martin Daly theorize that we have to take motivation into account when we consider animosity toward stepmothers. Who benefits from it? For example, why are so many villains in the Brothers Grimm stories stepmothers when in the original oral tradition, they were murderous mothers? Daly and Wilson think it has to do with the social purposes of the storytellers, who were overwhelmingly likely to be women telling tales to their own children. They would have been aware of the likelihood of dying in childbirth or just plain dying at a relatively early age–it was common in that period, and the widowed husbands virtually always remarried– leaving their little listeners behind. So, the thinking goes, they crafted stories the moral of which was, “If I were to die and your father were to remarry, that would be a terrible thing for you.” This may explain why there are more stories of evil stepmothers than evil stepfathers. But the long and short of it is, we need to go beyond psychology alone to understand the root or roots of our distrust of stepmothers. Only by marshaling a number of other perspectives as well–sociobiology, literary theory, sociology, legal theory, and economics, for example–will we be able to crack that nut.

 BFSO: In your book you discuss the risk factors one might find in having a relationship with a partner that has a child.  In fact, you mention there that experts recommend delaying marriage to a partner whose child is between the ages of ten and sixteen.  Why do you think this plays a role in the the success or failure of a marriage? 

Dr. Martin: There’s a compelling body of research demonstrating that pre-adolescent and adolescent stepchildren not only initiate the majority of conflicts in stepfamilies, but that they also tend to polarize the couple over parenting. Basically they try and often succeed at “splitting the team” because, in a remarriage with children, the kids tend to have tremendous power. There is likely to be a history of permissive parenting post-divorce, making stepmom seem draconian and unreasonable in contrast to mom and dad. Plus the household is likely to be characterized by what experts call a percolator effect–with the mood of the household and the power emanating up from the kids, rather than “dripolating” down from the parents as it does in a healthy first family. These are common dynamics in stepfamilies. So is the fact that, as stepfamily researchers Marilyn Ihinger-Tallman and Kay Pasley have noted, “children in a remarriage with children have tremendous power to break up the marriage.” They can bring unkind sentiments from the other household into dad and stepmom’s home, “spy,” and otherwise create friction between households and between dad and stepmom (Let me be clear that I’m not demonizing the kids here–just pointing out the aspects of stepmother reality that are out there in the research and that we don’t often consider. Kids are actors, not just acted upon, in a remarriage with children). Now factor in a pre or adolescent stepchilld, whose developmental imperative is to individuate and reject the grownups, right at the moment that the woman with stepkids is feeling enormous pressure from her husband and society at large to ‘blend everyone together.” What you have is a recipe for tremendous stress on the couple! But it’s not impossible to overcome–I’m living proof of that. And I don’t think couples should necessary delay marriage until the kids are 16. That just wouldn’t work for a lot of us. We partner and then find–and fight–our way through it!

BFSO: You alluded to the fact of having problems with your husband’s ex-wife as well. Why do you think the ex and current wife seem to automatically start off on the wrong foot?

Dr. Martin: I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate, and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or a partner and an ex-partner). Period.  And in spite of all the recent hoopla in the popular culture–Ashton and Demi and Bruce and Bruce’s wife being chummy and together all the time, for example, and exes in highly cooperative and friendly relationships in the news, doing birthday parties and Christmas together and even doing rotating custody in the same house for the kids’ sake –what we know from the research (Hetherington again) is that less than a quarter of all divorced couples are able to do highly cooperative or even cooperative co-parenting. Most of them do parallel parenting, where they basically ignore each other as much as possible, or are in conflictual or even high-conflict situations with their exes. That’s because they don’t get along. And not getting along is the reason they got divorced in the first place. Regardless of who initiated the divorce (it’s usually the woman), the relationship between exes is not going to imp rove when someone remarries or repartners, that’s for sure! Add to this the fact that ex-wives are more involved and intrusive in their exes’ households than ex-husbands are; the fact that ex-wives experience more anger and resentment after a divorce than their ex-husband’s do and experience it for a longer period of time (Hetherington again); plus the fact that ex-husbands in many cases nurture fantasies of smooth sailing with their ex-wives and often do things to appease them such as helping out with household chores and home repairs, and having holidays there, long after the divorce and in some cases long after the remarriage, and you see not only why the ex and the wife start out on bad footing, but then tend to remain there. I think the recent cultural expectation that wives “should” reach out to ex-wives is unrealistic and unfair. Women married to men with kids don’t need one more responsibility dumped on them, and I invite them to decline the pressure to be chummy with the ex without any guilt if they want to. Civility is often an ambitious enough goal. Put your own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.

 BFSO: What is the most valuable piece of advice you could give to all stepmothers or about-to-be stepmothers out there? 

Dr. Martin: Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first. Without guilt. If you’re miserable, and in the first years, according to James Bray and Patricia Papernow, you very likely will be, your marriage and the whole stepfamily system fall apart. Also, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth of the “blended” family. Stepfamilies very rarely “blend”–even the successful ones have lower levels of cohesion and closeness, but that comes along with higher levels of flexibility, tolerance, and respectful behaviors. Buying into the belief that you have to look, feel, and act just like a first family in order to be a successful family is hooey. It’s also a sure-fire way to stress out the couple. Finally, let go of the myth of the maternal stepmom. You don’t have to love them just like they’re your own and the overwhelming likelihood is that you will not. Just like our stepkids have a deep preference for their own kin (per studies by dozens of human behavioral ecologists that I discuss in my book), we love our own kids best. You don’t have to have maternal feelings for your stepkids for it to be a nice relationship. You’re not a bad woman, a bad person, or even a bad stepmother if you don’t love or even like your stepkids. You can even be very detached and still have a happy marriage/partnership and a relationship with his kids that works. “Good enough” is good enough!

BFSO: The stepmother is literally the most devalued member of the stepfamily. We encourage bio moms to take some “me” time, get away from the kids, consider your needs first sometimes…Yet when a stepmom is asking for the exact same thing, she’s a monster. What can we do to change the perception of stepmotherhood?

Dr. Martin: Lots of people call for more positive media images of stepmothers. But I don’t think that’s going to happen soon, because stepmothers are deliciously compelling and terrifying villains! What we really need, in my view, is lots more research, first of all. Studies of stepfather families outnumber studies of stepmother families by two to one! The less we find out about stepmothers, the less we know about them and the more we fill in the gaps with judgments and absurd expectations about how women with stepchildren “should” feel and act and be and what they “ought to” be able to accomplish. In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center (that’s just one example). Getting bad advice from therapists who are unfamiliar with very real differences between first and subsequent families, and between first marriages and remarriages with children, is a very common problem, if my research and that of stepfamily experts including Coleman and Ganong, Elizabeth Church, and Linda Nielsen are any indication. With better research and more educated therapists, we can craft messages to educate the public and we can also offer true support–versus a lot of bias and “shoulds”–to women who marry men with children.

About Wednesday Martin

Wednesday Martin has worked as a writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She was a regular contributor to New York Post’s parenting and lifestyle pages for several years, and her work has appeared in a number of national magazines including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Fitness. Wednesday was also features editor at Woman’s World. She earned her doctrate in comparative literature from yale and taught cultural studies and literature at Yale, The New School and Baruch College. Martin, a stepmother for nine years, lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. To learn more about Dr. Wednesday Martin and her new book, Stepmonster, please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com.

Adding a new baby to your blended family

Adding a baby to a family is always a blessing but a lot of hard work. Adding a baby to a blended family can be a blessing and curse at the same time, AND double the hard work. A new baby in the blended family creates apprehension and worry. As a result, it is imperative to consider the current emotional security of the existing children and the overall foundation of your blended family before deciding to embark upon this journey.

Family must first be built on solid ground

It’s important to make sure that your family has established a bond as a newly formed family before deciding to expand it. All existing children need to be well-adjusted to their new family and be settled into their new home and routine before shaking things up with a new baby. Many remarried couples feel as if a baby will bring an already unsettled blended family together, but the worst thing you can do is add this little bundle of joy too prematurely; causing feelings of fear and doubt in existing children to resurface all over again.  This only creates additional stress and even less opportunities to bond with them.

Make your existing children feel secure

Remember that it’s so easy to get lost in the excitement of your first baby together, but it’s crucial that you don’t forget the children who were there first! The part-time children are going to especially need constant reassurance that they matter and are indeed still a part of your family. They can begin to feel excluded from their biological parent and his family. Keep in mind that these negative feelings don’t just disappear with time and will intensify if ignored. Maintain or strengthen your bond with them individually and as a family by including them in the pregnancy. Allow them to help you choose a name or decorate the nursey. All in all, it’s important NOT to make them [part-timers] feel self-conscious about not belonging to the both of you. Make ALL of your children feel completely a part of the family no matter where they live or who they were born to.

Older children aren’t babysitters or “friends”

Please remember that older part-time siblings are not unpaid babysitters, nor are they to be used solely for keeping their younger sibling out of your hair. Part-timers shouldn’t be treated as “friends” that you invite over for a play date with your biological children. It’s essential that you keep in mind that they are a part of your family and that your home is their home. Children detest feeling like guests in their biological parent’s home. As such make sure that you maintain a place for them when the new baby arrives.

Overall, there are several factors to consider when deciding to or preparing for a new baby in the blended family. The most important is to consider the needs of ALL involved children and don’t exclude any children, no matter where their full-time residence is. If this situation isn’t handled properly, it could delay the bonding and strengthening of a blended family in its infatile stages; or put an already settled blended family back at square one.

Subscribe to the BFSO feed!

Good news readers…you can now subscribe to our feed!! New articles and updates will be sent directly to your inbox once you subscribe to our feed. Subscribing is simple; just enter your email address in the box underneath the heading “eNews and Updates” and then click on subscribe.

Developing a lasting bond by Diane Greene

Becoming a great step-parent can be a challenging task but it is also an opportunity to create a lasting bond with your step-children that they will grow to cherish. As a step-mother, I know that in my experience the process has involved time, trust and mutual respect for my step-daughter and her mother. My step-daughter, her mother and father are very close, so developing a special relationship just between her and I was important. It was equally important that I support my step-daughter’s relationships with all of her siblings. As such, I also share a relationship with her siblings from her mother’s current marriage. I realize that this is not always attainable or even something that a lot of our readers may want in their blended families, but it works for us. So, I thought I’d share my experience in hopes that some of you may begin to view your situation differently and take that first step towards creating a more cohesive family unit. Remember, it’s not where you start in this race of the blended family, but it’s where you end up that matters.

From the beginning, I never pressured my step-daughter. She is eleven years old and I have been permanently involved in life since she was six. I didn’t want to push the idea that she HAD to bond with me. I let her form her own ideas about our relationship and allowed her to open up to me on her own terms. As she has gotten older, we talk often about our blended family. I know that I have instilled in her that I would never try to replace her mother. Right there, that created a very important factor is our relationship – CONFIDENCE and TRUST. These are two of the most important factors in any step-child/step-parent relationship.

Another thing that I try my best to do is reserve judgment when her parents are arguing about something. I don’t take sides. As I have stated in other posts, I try to be more of an intermediary between the two. That way, my step-daughter knows that she can come to me with her feelings and she will know that I am not going to downgrade either of her parents. She will not have to defend them to me. Do you see where I am going with this?

I don’t want to come off as if I down-play my role; like I am not heard because this is not the case at all. My life with my step-daughter has been a journey like no other. I am the biological mother of three boys, so I enjoy having a daughter to share things with. Her mother and I are different, yet alike in many ways. I want my step-daughter to be able to share memories of me that she is fond of, not ones of defense and strife. I want to continue to connect with her in a way that she never forget and respect her for who she is and what she loves in life. Then, i will reap the rewards of a fond relationship.

Peace and Blessings,

Diane

Justice for Some, Not All

I’ve experienced many family law disputes over the past several years and if nothing else, I’ve learned two things about our wonderful legal system: the justice system isn’t that just at all and money talks. The legal system simply doesn’t work because the rules that exist within it are supposed to be fair. It works because of the attorneys that persuade the Judges to interpret the rules in a manner that proves the most benefit to their client. In addition to that, the attorneys work best for you when they are paid a lot of money. Simply put, the legal system was not created for the average person, with average money, to endure. Have you ever heard of the saying “you get what you pay for?” If you have little to no money, you get a wack attorney, and a wack attorney produces wack results. As a result, you are left with a legal problem that leaves you financially, emotionally and mentally drained, not to mention less than favorable results.

My husband’s case is one in which little to no money got him a less than favorable attorney and less than favorable results (that’s putting it nicely). His ex-wife is an attorney who often uses her connections with the legal system to continually strip him of his paternal rights. Before you assume that I am being paranoid, consider my initial statement about our legal system. It truly doesn’t matter what’s in the best interest of the child. It’s about who can make the best case, and more importantly, who has the most money to keep up the fight. And, if you don’t have enough money to hire an attorney at all, then you can just hang it up because the Judge is not trying to hear YOU.

At any rate, my husband has been trying, to no avail, to get increased visitation with his son for quite some time now. The first couple of times we went to court we had an attorney that must have graduated at the bottom of his class, and his representation was indicative of that. All we requested was visitation in June and July instead of June and August, due to a conflict in both his school and our work schedules. However, her attorney convinced the Judge that it was in the child’s best interest that he spend more time with his friends (and for some reason July was the only month he could do so) instead of spending that time with his father. We fought back and forth for quite some time, but lost the fight once we ran out of money (we had actually used it all on my case, but we’ll talk about a little later). The next family court dispute we encountered was when we wanted to take his son to our Mexico wedding. One would think that this would be an easy decision for the Judge. Of course his father would want him to be at his wedding, and the Judge would agree, right? Not! Once again, her high-powered attorney beat out our inexpensive attorney on the grounds that the child might get sick and there would be no hospitals nearby to take him to. I’m not kidding. Now this child doesn’t have leukemia, bone cancer, a rare heart disease or anything like that. He had a simple peanut allergy that my husband and I had been tending to for years at this point. Furthermore, it sickens me that my husband had been the child’s primary caregiver for years before I came along. As a matter of fact, they had agreed that he would have custody of him up until I stepped into the picture. As soon as that happened she all of a sudden wanted to be mother of the year, claiming that if she gave my husband custody, then she wouldn’t have as much access to him. They also had agreed, prior to my arrival, that she would pay child support because my husband took out and was paying on the loan for her law school education, and he was also the one who was taking care of the child! Why didn’t the Judge take any of this into consideration? It seems as if most Judges have tunnel vision. They expect most fathers to be like my ex (we’ll get to that later) so they treat all these cases the same. All fathers don’t work hard to avoid paying child support. Some actually care about their children and want what’s best for them. I’m not even saying that the Judge should’ve granted my husband custody on this basis, but he didn’t have to treat him like he was a deadbeat dad. But, once again justice prevails for those who have the most money and power to withstand the fight.

My case, on the other hand, turned out a bit different. My ex is one of those people whose main objective was to avoid child support and responsibility for that matter. To this day, he tries to falsify his income so that he doesn’t have to pay a fair amount for child support, but he’ll get his. Hasn’t he learned by now that you can’t pull one over on me??? Better yet, why would you even try after the last battle that you lost in court? My ex has gotten so much better about being financially responsible for our son since this post was written.

At any rate, initially my ex caught me off guard by serving me with a notice to appear at an emergency hearing regarding visitation with our son. He alleged that I wouldn’t let him see our son, which was partially true. My ex would pop into town after being gone for 10 months out of the year (he’s an overseas basketball player), on a moment’s notice, wanting visitation with our son. If he was in summer camp, he wanted to remove him because he thinks the sun rises and sets on his ass. Not to mention, he had lied to the court so he wouldn’t have to pay a fair amount for child support, and my son didn’t know him well enough to even WANT extended visitation with him (this alone should prove that my ex was never around prior to this little stunt he pulled). Now, his request for visitation would not have been a problem if he was a consistent parental figure in our son’s life, but he wasn’t. 

I didn’t have time to get an attorney. He had me served literally 40 minutes prior to the hearing – you got off. But, like I’ve always told him, “don’t start a fight with me that you aren’t prepared to finish.” He should’ve thought twice before faking his little temper tantrum to look like he was a concerned father just to impress his little girlfriend. I found the best attorney that my $2,000 retainer fee would buy, and I was prepared to finish the fight he had started. At this point, my ex was paying child support every now and then, and he only saw our son for about a week of nonconsecutive days in the summer. By the way, he saw our son as much as he wanted to. Something else was and still is always more important than him. If I was away from my son for 10 months out of every year, I would at least dedicate those 8 weeks to him. Knowing that because I had not been there HE might not want to see me, but it wouldn’t keep me from trying to see him. I realize that he has a family (his wife and other son), but ya’ll can’t sacrifice for 8 weeks so that you can spend some time getting to know your son. Not to mention that he refused to adhere to a set schedule, claiming that he could not do so because his professional overseas basketball work schedule wouldn’t allow him to. At any rate, by the time the nearly year long battle was over he was nearly in tears due to the child support payment that the Judge enforced. She made his payments retroactive from the time he started lying about his income so he wouldn’t have to pay more money (which was nearly 4 years prior). And, visitation would be at my discretion unless he provided me with 60 days advanced notice prior to entering into the country. After it was all said and done, I ended up with a legal bill of over $10,000. However, it was worth it because money got me an attorney that produced the results that were in my child’s best interest.

Are you starting to see how this works? In the first case we had no money and our wack attorney produced wack results. In the second example, we were able to pay for an experienced attorney who produced great results. Either case was never really about the child. It was about which attorney could present the best case, and more importantly, how much money you had to keep that attorney engaged in the back and forth arguing that is often necessary to persuade the Judge.

As a result, it’s a shame that serious decisions regarding children are generalized in this way. After all, the Judge and attorneys claim that these family court laws and regulations are designed to protect the interest of the child. For some reason it’s hard for me to believe that.

********

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for SOME!

My Sad Husband

I just got off of the phone with my husband, and he seemed really sad. As a matter of fact, he has seemed pretty sad for the last week or so. I wish there was something that I could do as I feel partly responsible for his sadness. My mere presence is causing and has caused his crazy ex-wife to act a fool over the past 7 years, and as in most baby mama cases, one of her first reactions is “you can’t see your child.”

We haven’t seen K since early January. Although I can not disclose specific details about what happened, I will try to give you some idea. You see, K did something that was very wrong ! Even though I don’t want this action to ever happen again, I was more concerned than upset. So, I suggested that my husband call his ex-wife to inform her about it. Especially since he spends most of his time with her (we only see him about once per month). I wanted her to watch out for certain types of behavior. My husband told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him that she is still his mother, and that there are certain things that she should be informed about no matter what she’s done in the past. I truly thought it was in K’s best interest to clue her in. What in the hell was I thinking? I expected her to react as any concerned parent would, but instead guess where we ended up – that’s right, court. She took my husband to court stating that I had devised this master plan to label K as a bad kid and get him out of our house. She went on to say that she felt like our environment was perilous to K.

Now, let me explain why this too is sooooo ridiculous! Number one, I am just now recovering after being sick for an entire year. My last house had mold in it, and it wreaked havoc on my system. I passed out about 12 times in an hour, lost a bunch of weight and even lost my memory at one point. At one point I didn’t even remember who K was! I was still very sick in January. So as you can imagine, the last thing I was thinking about is a master plan to label K as a bad kid to get him out of the house. Number two, I am the one who takes good care of K while he’s in our care. We actually have a really good relationship when he’s here. As a matter of fact, she has conceded to the fact that I was trying to replace her due to our good relationship. This is why she decided that she wanted to see him more, thereby, lessening the number of visits with my husband. So how can I be trying to replace her as a mother, but be trying to get rid of him simultaneously???

At any rate, at the end of the day my husband hasn’t seen his son in 5 months, and he is extremely uspet about it. Every time she gets upset this is the card that she deals. The question is – what can I do to make the man that I love with all of my heart happy? I have truly struggled with this. If I leave, then she will be happy, and my husband will be able to see his son as much as he wants. If I just give in to her ridiculous antics, then not only will I be unhappy, but it’s also not in the best interest of my son. My heart is telling me to continue to focus on my marriage and my family because I’m going to be the bad guy (in her eyes) no matter what I do. I keep telling myself that we have made it this far, we’re happy with each other, we truly love each other, we have a solid marriage, and it will get better. But, it’s been 7 years – do I really believe that???

Second Wives

For all of my second wives (SW’s), I know it seems like a never-ending uphill battle. You feel misunderstood, disrespected and taken for granted, often times battling your husband’s ex-wife, his children and your husband all at the same time.

Being a second wife is like being bipolar. One moment you can be happier than you ever imagined and in the next sadder and heartbroken than you’ve ever been. Before you make the decision to go on this rollercoaster ride, you must be prepared. Mental preparation is crucial if you want your marriage to survive.

During the happy moments it seems as if you and your husband are really going to make it and love truly does conquer all. These are the moments when it’s not his weekend to have his child. Because as soon as this weekend comes you know you’re going to have to deal with the wicked ex. However, let’s not be so quick to blame the ex-wife because your husband, more than likely, is “stuck on stupid.” His indecisive, passive behavior contributes to your heartache. An ex-wife can only be as destructive as your husband allows her to be. If he can’t learn to put his foot down, then she has no boundaries and anything goes.

Now let’s examine why your husband can’t seem to open his mouth when it comes to his ex-wife, but can’t seem to keep it closed when it comes to you.

1). Guilt. Remember that he loves his children and a good man will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make them happy and you happy simultaneously.

2) Most good men are naïve and think that it’s their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their children happy.

3). Most naïve men also think they need to keep the ex-wife happy to remain in their children’s lives.

4) Some men will claim that they have no clue what’s going on so they don’t know what to do (for the record, I don’t believe this at all).

As a result, you get total pandemonium until you convince your husband that there is a problem. Therefore, his ex-wife will continue to manipulate him until he wakes up. All of her actions, no matter how unreasonable or irrational, will have one excuse…”it’s for the kids.” Whether it’s more money, help moving or a parenting request, it’s all supposedly for the kids. And let us not forget the kids who contribute to her behavior by playing both sides against the middle. Blended children are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering…expect it. Please don’t forget that the little angels are capable of such thinking.

As I stated above, don’t be so quick to blame the ex-wife for her behavior without first trying to understand it. Then look within to see what you’re doing to contribute to the demise of your family. Frustration sometimes provokes SW’s to become totally oppositional on every issue. Meaning, anything that she says you’re not going to agree with simply because it comes out of her mouth. This is wrong, no matter how she’s behaving. Try to listen to the message without paying attention to the messenger. I know it’s difficult, but remember, you don’t want to create unhappy, unhealthy children just because she is. Next, try to understand where your husband is coming from as well. He’s not purposely trying to hurt you, but at this point, his bond with his children is stronger than his bond with you. He is torn between doing what he thinks is best for them and being happy. Instead of arguing with him about how he’s treating you, really try to help him understand his feelings, and why his actions are unhealthy for all parties involved. Finally, don’t take it personal. Remember there was a time when you may have felt like his ex-wife is feeling and acted irrationally. Take the first step and instead of just reaching out to choke her, just reach out and attempt to create peace.

Ladies, we don’t have to hate each other. Society conveys this message of hate through the media, but it’s a stigma that we need to get rid of. I’m not saying that you have to go on family vacations together or be best friends, but it is possible to peacefully and pleasantly coexist. This doesn’t mean that you are going to agree on everything because you’re not, but you must remember to respect each other’s opinions. Grow up, stop being so self-absorbed and remember that you are raising children together. Your children feed off of you and even when you think your actions aren’t affecting them, they are. The world as they know it has changed and they are scared and confused enough as it is. If you eliminate the tension, then imagine how much you can ease it for your children.