All Moms Need Self-Care

The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.

I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.

Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and  look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.

Step-Parenting Teens

Stepparenting teens…..need I say more?

Readers, unfortunately, the reality is that adolescence is one of the most stressful times in the life of a teen.  While our teenagers can be sweet, charming, daunting and joyful, trudging through the adolescent years with your stepchild can prove to be like a grudge match between David and Goliath.  Although teens have many postitive attributes, they experience a myriad of mood swings due to hormone changes which causes them to turn on you at a moments notice, times of lethargy due to their ambivalent view of the world and the mere fact alone that they think they know everything is an understatement!   With all that being said, it isn’t a surprise that statistics prove that many remarriages fail due to the stress factors that teenagers bring, and spouses allow, into the marital relationship.

All of the above can cause any bio parent to feel as if they are at the end of their rope when dealing with adolscents.  Factor in the stepparent dynamic and you have all the makings of a full blown war on your hands.  As stepparents, we need to recognize that rebellion is a part of every teenand ever teen, whether they are in a stepfamily environment or not, will experience same.  Stepparents need also be aware that just because the “step” is equated with their family, it doesn’t mean that their stepchildren are unlike any other teen.  Stepparents, at times, tend to spend more time focusing on what is “wrong” with their stepchild instead of accepting that some of their issues may just be the mere fact that they are “teens.”  Step-teens do not want adversarial relationships with their stepparents anymore than the stepparents do. 

When I married my husband, my older two boys were 15 and 16.  One was very rebellious and reactive to every situation.  My husband had a hard time adjusting as did as my son.  I tried to explain to my husband that some of the issues were just due to “teen drama” but inevitably there was strain.  Teens need to feel that they can be free to think and to be individuals.  The teen years is where our children become self-reliant and when they are trying to establish their own identities.  Unfortunately, because of their immaturity, this is projected as reeling against your authority.  Granted, sometimes they are just being unruly and at times disrespectful (which should obviously be handled appropriately)  but it is good to keep in mind that our kids nowadays have a lot going on.  Peer pressure is irrevocable.  They feel as if they have to keep up with the ”Kardashian’s,” let alone being raised in the social network generation, their communication skills have gone awry.

Another important factor to weigh in on regarding parenting stepchildren who are teens is the fact that they would just plain rather forget about the custody issues and parental battles and issues between the grown-ups and spend time with their friends.  With that being said, having a relationship wth their stepparent is definitiely not the first thing on their minds.  Actually, distance between you and your stepteen may grow during this period more than any other time.  Don’t hold it against them.  Most likey, you do matter to them…they just don’t want to show you right now.   Showing feelings is not a high priority on a teen’s list of things to accomplish.  Parental love is crucial during this period in their lives and that parental love needs to come from all sides of the coin which includes stepparents.  Keep in mind that the stepfamily life is hard for a teen.  They are insecure about love (why shouldn’t they be…their parents divorced),their position in the family, loss of their first family and at the same time, they have to compete with you for their parents attention as well.

A few tips that may help you trudge through this time are as follows:

1. Expectations.  Set clear, concise and age-appropriate expectations.  Teens are not mind-readers.  Being in the blended environment is confusing itself, shifting from home to home is also hard.  Let them know what you expect ahead of time.  Be aware that rules and expectations should always be open to change.  As children and teens grow, adjustments should be made accordingly.  Teens need positive and caring discipline.  Albeit there will be challenges with your expressing and their accepting your authority but is crucial that the stepparent and their respective spouse set these boundaries.  Remember, it’s easier for the stepteen to lash out at the stepparent as opposed to their bio parent.  In my opinion, a lot of the time, that is their way of coping with their feelings.
2. Problem Solving.  Focus on the solutions and not always so much on the problems.  Teens have short attention spans.  Working together to solve problems with them will help them navigate and allow them to feel comfortable talking and communicating with you.  Talk about differences and how you can use your differences in positive ways.
3. Your Role.  All stepparents need to define their roles, especially with teens.  The wife/husband role is an obvious one.  However, with a sensitive teen, it will help if you and your spouse explain to your stepteen that you are not a stumbling block for them but rather a direct extension of their absent parent and that you care about them in all aspects of their life.  It’s a tough balance but in my opinion worth the extra effort.
4. Acceptance:  Stepfamilies are inherently different from nuclear/bio families.  There will be clashes from time to time due to different personalities, different value systems, etc.  It’s OK!  Once families comprehend and accept that it’s okay to be different, they can move on to a more cohesive unit.
5. Attention.  Stepparents, I cannot reinforce the matter of “attention” enough.  Even if we feel shut out at times because we are not the bio parent, it is very important for you, as the adult, to take the lead and reach out to your stepchild(ren)/teen.   Taking your time to develop a relationship is important but so is making progress.  Once in a while, offer to spend some alone time with your stepteen (a movie, shopping or a sporting event).  Remember, even if you are rejected, children remember effort. 
6. Family Meetings.  Setting up a monthly family meeting will do wonders for your struggling situation.  Take the opportunity at these meetings to have regular communication.  Listen to your stepteen and your children and allow their opinions to matter.    Ultimately, all people, but especially teens, want to know that their voices are being heard.  Let them get their frustrations and gripes out.  Then, find ways to effectively deal with them.

TMF Readers, remember, stepparents can play a very special role in the lives of their stepchildren/teens.  How you define your relationship will take careful consideration of feelings, love, love and more love, and most importantly…. time!  Do not have unrealistic expectations and remember, as time moves on, your role will become more evident.  Do your best to spend quality one on one time and let them get to know you as a person.  Take it slow and remember TMF Readers, you are only the wicked stepparent if you allow yourself to be. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Building A Healthy Remarriage

A marriage that is not nurtured, eventually dies. Unfortunately, most remarried couples foster the idea that as long as they don’t make the same mistakes they made in their first marriage, their remarriage will be long-lasting and survive any storm that may come it’s way only to be disappointed to find out that it takes much more than just being cognizant of past errors.  Nourishing your remarriage needs to be your #1 top priority.

The demands on marriage today are numerous.  Think about it.  Most couples work demanding jobs, are doing their best to keep the roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs, cooking and keeping up the house, dealing with the exes and handling stepfamily problems.  With all of these demands (and there are many more — too many to list) it isn’t surprising that we end up putting our marriages last on the checklist.  Not to mention, it is usually at the end of a tiring day that we are able to focus on our partner. 

In my opinion, one of the most important ways we can nuture our marriage is to keep a “window” open between you and your spouse, and to definitely keep a “wall” up for people outside of our relationship.  For example, if we are more open with someone outside of our relationship rather than with our spouse, then something is wrong with that picture.  Our very most private moments, thoughts, and feelings should only be shared with our spouse.  This prevents you from being pulled apart.

If you are feeling a little disconnected, ask yourself a few of these questions:

1. What is your spouse’s greatest strengths?
2. How are you helping him/her to achieve their goals?
3. What “walls” have you put up to prevent others from pulling you apart?

Nurturing our marriages is not only important but should be our number one priority.  Your marriage potential will be endless if you put your marriage first.  Here are a few tips and tools to get you on the right path to a healthy, nurtured marriage:

• Trust.  Be  honest, fair and straight with your spouse.  Don’t lie.  Make sure your word is as good as gold. 
• Loyalty.  ALWAYS stand by your partner.  ALWAYS, protect and encourage your life partner.
• Commitment:  Make efforts, everyday, to put more into your marriage.  Put  your spouse’s interests before your own.
• Skills.  Marriage is a lifetime process.  Understand when your partner expresses their needs.  Communicate what you need.  Agree to disagree when you are dealing with an issue where the solution can’t be found right away.  Manage your conflict in a healthy manner.
• Appreciation.  One of the most important attributes a person can have is that of appreciation.  Each party in the marriage wants to feel appreciated and loved.   Show your appreciation.

Nurturing your marriage exists when you get to a point when you put your needs behind that of your life partner.  It means realizing that your words might hurt your partner before you release the words out of your mouth and decide not to say them at all.  It means that you are responsible and take ownership for your issues.  It means being unselfish.

Building our remarriages and marriages in general is not easy, it takes lots of hard work.  Remember, love is never enough.  It takes hard work, determination and all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Bust Up the Junk and Declutter Your Life In 2011

Modern family members whether you are a single, same sex, step or bio parent and everyone in between, 2011 is your year to bust up the clutter in your life.  Clutter makes its way into our lives in forms ranging from petty issues with the ex, the stress of being a single parent, too much work and not enough play, ignoring your own self-comfort and mental well-being and just plain drama! 

2011 is your year Readers to bust and declutter.  In order to truly be happy, we need to have peace.  In order to have peace, we have to commit to removing what stresses us out and causes us to clutter our lives not just with “things” but also with the junk drama, the junk friendships, the junk relationships, the junk period. 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

We’ve all heard the phrase Lather, Rinse, Repeat!  This is going to be my mantra for the new year.  When I feel myself being stressed out I am going to use that phrase to help get me back on track.  When it comes to people in my life, whether that be at work or in my personal life, if it stresses me out, I am going to Lather, Rinse and Repeat by washing that stress right out of my life.  How you might ask?  Here are a few tips:

1. Take time for yourself!  This years No. 1 priority.  YOU!  Take a day off work and allocate that day all to yourself.  Go buy some good fruit, healthy snacks, a few not so healthy snacks if you like, and veg out!  One of my favorite things to do is to rent a hotel room for a night all to myself.  I don’t skimp either.  I get a nice room, with hot tub, a pool and I live it up.
2. Let go of unhealthy relationships!  If you are in a relationship that constantly stresses you out or one that you realize you are the only person putting anything into the relationship then my advice is to get rid of it!
3. Incorporate something entirely new.  I recently discovered Yoga.  I always have heard rave reviews about yoga from friends and co-workers, so I tried a session.  It is not just a great way to exercise, but also to release your mind of unnecessary junk.
4. Keep a journal.  I have always loved to express my thoughts on paper.  I was given a beautiful journal for Christmas and I plan on putting it to good use in 2011.  Journals give you a way to express your inner most thoughts, cares, joys and sorrows while at the same time giving you an outlet for healing.
5. Do unto others.  Doing something nice makes us stronger human beings.  When you do unto others, you do unto yourself as well.  You give yourself the gift of personal power to bless others.  The end result…blessings return to you.
6. Channel your inner rebel.  When your willpower is wearing you down, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  Shop until you drop for the day, invite your good girl or boyfriends out and hit a good restaurant or maybe even the jazz club for the evening.  Have some good fun!

What we are really doing by de-junking, busting and decluttering our lives is making room for the real blessings we deserve.  There is a great quote from the poet Rumi which says “Let the beauty we love be what we do.“  This is a simple principal and a reminder that we do not have to hold on to extra drama and stress in our lives.  Let the beauty we love be what we do.  It’s just that simple.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Posts of 2010

We’ve had a blast in 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011. Join us as we look back at our top 10 posts of the year.

1. Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce
2. Kiss My Azz…All Married Couples Fight
3. Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”
4. Living Well is the Best Revenge
5. Today’s Modern Family’s Top Ten Mom Must Haves
6. Step Martyrs Are Not Loveable
7. Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting
8. Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment
9. Protecting the Stepmother’s Mental Health
10. Super Stepmom Syndrome

Happy New Year Readers! We wish you and your families joy, peace and success in 2011.

Grace and Peace,

Kela and Diane

Reframing and Redirecting Our Emotions

If you are new to the uprising blended family phenomenon, what may seem like a colossal event really may just be a common blended family problem that can be combated with a little time, understanding and effort by all parties involved.   As we all know, marriage is tough.  Remarriage is even harder.  Stir in a couple kids from one or both sides and you have a whole new set of dynamics.  However, just like the art of baking, if you get your measurements down to science, you can come out with a great pastry.  The same holds true with the blended family.  As soon as you learn to (a) put your marriage first, (2) reframe and redirect your emotions and your reactions to certain situations, and (3) decide commit to not allowing discord to seep into your marriage, your blended family then becomes strong and life-giving. 

How do you start?  In my experience, it began with the choices I was making.  When you choose to look at your situation from a view of discord and discontent, then you will get just that — discord and discontent.   Choosing to reframe my discord with commitment in the face of a desire to run away when a problem arose was the first step.  Remember, the picture you are facing is still the same, you are just “choosing” to reframe the way you look at it.  It also helps to be understanding.  Everyone craves to be understood within the unit. 

For example, say your stepson or stepdaughter is jealous of the time you get to spend with his/her dad or mom and has vocalized that to you on many occasions.  You have tried everything to make him/her understand that you are not trying to steal his or her parent.  Instead of working overtime to prove to a child, or teenager for that matter, that their parent matters to you, reframe it it for for yourself.  Get to a place where you don’t expect that to annoy you anymore.  Stop fighting that fight.  Let your step-child know, unequivocally, that you are there for them if they need you, but you are not going to concentrate on those types of negative situations.  Consistently find the good in the situation and express the same.   By doing this, you are setting the example of redirecting emotions in a positive direction.  Your stepchildren will eventually follow suit. 

Let’s be honest, I know that feelings and emotions sometimes can get the better of us.  But, if we acknowledge the importance of maintaining healthy relationships with our blended family members, everyone involved will be more eager to do the same.  Accepting that sometimes we may simply be over dramatising an issue or situation will help us release, reframe and redirect our emotions to a better place.  All of which benefits the blended family as a whole.  Here are a few tips to help:

• Form new reactions to issues.  Analyze what upsets you the most about a particular situation and determine a better more desirable reaction to use the next time.
• Try using relaxation techniques. 
• Let go of your anger.  Remember, misdirected anger can actually make the situation worse.  Make sure before you approach a situation that you are clear about what you are really upset about.
• Don’t fall into a “default” mode of sensitive emotion when you are just tired, not feeling well, etc.   At times, we can allow our previous “moods” to affect how we handle a current issue.
• Get in touch with your emotions.  For example, if I happen to wake up very edgy or anxious about something, I feel precarious all day.  I have to hit rewind and start over.  Remember, emotions can lead you down the wrong path when issues arise.  REFRAME!

TMF Readers, don’t get in an emotional rut with your blended family common problems.  Visualize positive futures for yourself and your blended family.  Use your power of choice to make choices that will lead you toward living your ”happily ever after.“

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Interview with Rockstar Co-Parent, Jenn Mangino

I enjoyed my virtual chat with Jenn Mangino, founder of www.rockstarcoparenting.com. As an ex and a wife, a mom and a stepmom, I always look forward to hearing and sharing both perspectives. Take a look at our conversation as we chat about divorce, Jenn’s theory on the intrusive ex-wife and what she does during her “Jenn” time. Thanks for the chat, Jenn!

Kela: Explain the term rockstar co-parenting? 

 Jenn: It’s the universally accepted divorce principle. Get divorced, screw up the kids. But studies have shown it’s not so much the divorce that affects kids, but the handling of said divorce. If having an intact first family is equivalent to winning first place, than having two active divorced parents working peacefully together like business partners post-divorce is second best. Rockstar Co-parenting is dedicated to helping parents and children of divorce find second place. I created the site to help other parents (but mostly myself) learn to do this divorce thing the “right” way…like grown-ups.

It’s easier said than done. Making decisions, navigating complicated schedules and social situations, and creating two harmonious households with a partner for whom you have mutual anger and trust issues can feel super human. Divorced parents who choose to co-parent peacefully often discover they have unknown, hidden reservoirs of strength. Super powers. Resilience, Openness, Compassion, Kinetic energy, Sprezzatura, Transparency, Assertiveness and Restraint (yes, it’s an acronym) are the super powers I see inspirational co-parents successfully drawing on every day to create new, better lives post-divorce for their children. They are not just co-parenting. They are Rockstar Co-parenting. 

Kela: Your daughter was very young when you divorced. Did you ever worry about her losing that bond that she developed with either you or your ex-husband during the transition of the divorce? 

Jenn: Yes. Constantly. I knew the divorce was right for me, I knew it was right for my Ex, but how could it possibly be right for my daughter? I looked in her blue eyes and vowed to do everything in my power to create a divorce situation that would have minimal impact on her life. That meant-to me- that she deserved to have easy access to both her parents. I believe in her right to her own relationships. 

It wasn’t easy, I had to give up things that I wanted for myself. I had to give up my clean slate and fresh start, because, honestly, there is no fresh start after divorce when there are children involved.  Every subsequent decision I made from that moment on was with this goal in mind.

So far, we’re doing okay. (Cross your fingers). 

Kela: How did you take time to heal and grieve post-divorce?

Jenn: Honestly time? Did I take time to heal and grieve post-divorce? Yes. (A smidge).  Was it as long as the “experts” say you should take (I was told five years. Five years, people.)? Not even close. 

As the primary initiator of my divorce, I think my grief cycle started long before the actual divorce process started. By the time we filed the paperwork, I just felt used up. I had been angry and sad during my marriage, and following the separation, I just felt numb. Which I mistook for feeling fine. Ready to move on, even. Months later, when the tears finally hit me I realized how not fine I was. By then, I had entered into a new relationship, with an old love. (Kids, don’t try this one at home!) Do the experts discourage dating so soon after a divorce? Yeah. Do I discourage it? Probably. The truth is, he is the love of my life and the one who got away, and it did manage to work out for us, as we are getting married this winter. But. It was rough, to say the least. The problem was I had not taken the time to heal completely before we plunged like moths right back into the flame. And it burned us.

 It was a bumpy, windy, narrow road for a while, mostly brought on by my sense of guilt and failure. The lesson here, I think, is to take time to be alone for a while (maybe not five years, though) and resolve your feelings before dating again. It’s hard, and very few people can resist the lure of new love, but had I taken some time for myself, the healing wouldn’t have taken so long. 

 That said, what did I find most helpful during the healing process? Books, books, the internet, books, therapy, books, a brief stint in a support group, and talking the ears off good friends. Oh, and books. (Um, I like to read). I think it’s important to try a little bit of everything…you will find little bits of wisdom in lots of different sources and it will all come together to give you a new knowledge of yourself, and the world, until suddenly you are ready to like your life (and yourself) again. 

Kela: I know it’s hard not to worry about our babies when they are away from us, especially when they are very young. But I do feel it’s important for ex-wives to utilize that time to reclaim their lives. What do you do during, what I like to call, your “Jenn” time?

 Jenn: I read. I dream. I imagine what I will be when I grow up and find my niche in the world. But, mostly, I write. Writing gave me back my zest for living, my passion for my own life. It’s the one thing I do just for me. Well, that, and pretending I am a rock star belting out ballads in the shower every morning.

Kela: How important is it to you that your daughter develop some sort of relationship with her stepmother? How do you encourage and support that relationship?

Jenn: Extremely important. My Ex and I had worked out a 50-50 parenting schedule before he remarried. When his new wife came on the scene, she jumped right in to being the “mommy” figure in my daughter’s life 50% of the time. It was very hard for me to continue sharing that time with them. The divorce and the 50-50 parenting schedule for him, well that’s only fair and hey, you make your bed and you lie in it. But, sharing the mothering of your child with another woman for no reason at all other than she married my Ex? It’s a bitter pill to swallow…because I would rather be her mother 100% of the time.

 But, how much more bitter would that pill be if she were a terrible stepmom, and made my daughter’s life miserable? Or even my life? The truth is she’s a great stepmom, always friendly, and very free with information. I think she loves my daughter, and certainly, she is a good friend to her. Really, how much more could I ask for? 

I try to support their relationship by never speaking ill of the other household in earshot of my daughter, encouraging (even admonishing her) to be respectful to all the adults in her life, assuring her that she is loved by everyone, going out of my way to be friendly and chat with her at school events, asking her opinion about issues that affect my daughter, and inviting her to share Mother’s day with us. 

Kela: According to Mavis Hetherington, most ex-wives are more intrusive and more involved in their ex-spouse’s household than ex-husbands are. Additionally, they remain bitter and resentful for much longer. Why do you think this is so? 

Jenn: It’s a hard question for me to answer, because I really don’t think I am intrusive (and I can really only go on my experience). But, if I was intrusive it wouldn’t be because of unresolved relationship issues between my Ex and I. It wouldn’t be because I felt displaced, or replaced or still wanted him for whatever reason (although maybe this is the case for some women). It would be because I am a mother, and as such I am utterly and fiercely protective of my daughter. I am a lioness. We have these children and we are charged with their very survival. We look at them when they are placed in our arms for the first time and we absolutely promise them the world.

Then, divorce happens and we are expected to give up control over everything that happens to them during someone else’s parenting time.  If there is a stepparent involved, then we are asked to trust someone we don’t even know with our most precious gift, our children. Often times, there are issues with communication between the adults, so we are not even given the balm of knowledge to ease our fear, and our utter lack of control. It’s scary, it’s unsettling, it’s unnerving, and it’s frustrating.

With these conditions, I don’t think it’s surprising that there is resentment. Why don’t the Ex-husbands mettle more in household affairs? I don’t know. Maybe because women are predisposed for nurture and daily care, so that is their turf. Men are predisposed for hunting and bringing home the bacon…so of course issues involving day-to-day care probably don’t affect them on that same emotional level.

Kela: Can you offer some advice for those types of ex-wives?

Jenn: Choose your battles. Always, always, always take time to think over your actions and reactions. Ask yourself, “Is this particular issue vital. Will it fundamentally affect my child?” If the answer is no, let it go.  If the answer is yes, that’s when you take action. Don’t be like the little boy who cried “Wolf!” and get worked up over every little perceived infraction or slight. It’s pointless.  And always remember, you can only control you. 

Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced parents who aim to be rockstar co-parents?

 Jenn: Love your children. Want what’s best for them. Then, go out and get them that best. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

There is No Magic Formula Stepmoms

I’ve had the pleasure of talking to many many stepmoms over the years and what I realized is that most of them desired some magic formula for acceptance; either that, or they were confusing the definition of the word altogether. Most wanted to know that if they love and support their husband and be the best stepmom they can be to their stepkids, then they will be truly loved and accepted by their stepchildren. Their constant need to be accepted loved by everyone consumes them to the point that they forget that they must focus on other components of their overall family in order to be a successful stepfamily and yes, you can be considered a successful stepfamily even if the stepkids don’t like you.

What stepmoms must realize is that it will take much more than just being like Carol Brady to get the stepchildren to like you. Often times, your actions aren’t even the deciding factor at all. What has to happen first is mom/ex-wife has to free her children to love. She has to let go of any hurt or apprehension regarding her ex-spouse’s remarriage and having another maternal figure in her children’s lives. She has to be free from allowing her negative emotions to influence her children’s decision to accept you. No matter how subtly, she cannot imply that she will feel betrayed if her children actually like dad’s wife. She has to stop perceiving you as some sort of threat before any of this can happen. So as you can see, it really doesn’t matter how loving, caring, kind or compassionate you are as an ex-wife/mom’s negative feelings has much less to do with you and more about her own internal struggle.

Next, what has to happen is that dad has to be free of guilt parenting and committed to the both of you putting forth that unified front for his kids.  Doing so, will show his kids that the evil villian (you) did not make dad her puppeter, but instead, he is actually committed to being her parnter. This will send the message to the kids that there is no point in trying to break up the union, so you might as well get on board and do your part to make the stepfamily work. When children realize that their divide and conquer strategies won’t work, they usually concede. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will like you, however, but they will respect you.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you should completely give up. It just means that you have to change your perspective regarding what makes a successful stepfamily and how you go about achieving that. Most stepmothers think that you have achieved success when the kids are finally in love with you and this is simply not the case. Very rarely does a stepfamily operate like a first family, so if you have this goal in mind from the start, you are doomed to fail. Instead of forcing your way through the children, continuously work on your marriage. What I’ve discovered is that a stepfamily can be stable if the ex-wife/mom or even the kids don’t like you, but your stepfamily will fail if you and your spouse aren’t in sync.  A more realistic goal is to work in an area where you already are accepted and that’s with your spouse. Constantly work on communication and dating your spouse; things that first marriages even have to work on. Build a union that is based on common goals, trust and mutual understanding and then present this model to your stepchildren, through example.  Develop a co-parenting plan that consist of house rules and consequences that you both agree upon and present this to your children, as a unified front. Doing the aforementioned will allow you to build a stepfamily based on respect, which will increase  your chances of eventually building trust as a family, instead of feeling like you have to bear the task alone.

It’s all about changing your focus, stepmoms; realizing that your stepkids don’t have to like you, but they have to respect you in order to make your stepfamily work. Kids need order and consistency to feel safe in a world that has just become so unpredictable for them. Developing a co-parenting plan, a consistent routine and a family mission statement that you all agree upon is a much better formula for success.

An Interview with Chef Tony

Antonio Accepting Award

On Saturday, April 24th, 2010, Antonio Thomas entered his first cooking competition at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy and won 2nd Place, landing him a Chef’s hat and coat, a professional kitchen knife, a $125 gift certificate for cookbooks, and a $2,000 scholarship towards his culinary education.

When asked why he decided to become a chef, Antonio responded, “I know what it’s like to be hungry. When I become a chef and open my restaurant I can use part on my earnings to feed the homeless and make sure families don’t go hungry. I’ve always helped my mom by making lunch and helping with dinner. It was amazing how she would make something out of nothing and make it taste good.”

 I had the privilege of chatting with an amazing young man a couple of weeks ago. In the interview below, Tony shares his insight regarding his love for cooking as well as growing up in a single parent home (at one point) and a stepfamily.   The lessons we learn from kids who are in the trenches, living the modern family lifestyle everyday, is absolutely incredible. I learned so much from this young man as his wisdom far exceeds his age.  I also picked up some cooking tips from the young chef.

 Diane: What are the most important items one should always have in their home pantry?

 Tony: Salt, sugar, flour, wine, and oil,  

Diane:  I love to incorporate spice in my cooking.  What 5 spices should I never go without in my kitchen and which one do you think is often the most misunderstood?

Tony:     Salt, pepper, garlic, paprika, and onion powder. Most meals begin with these basic ingredients.

Diane: Coming from being raised by a single-mom, what began your interest in the culinary field?  Was it from watching and admiring her in the kitchen? 

Tony: No matter what we had in the kitchen she always made something out of nothing.  I would look in the fridge and the cabinets and see nothing to eat.  Then she would come home and whip up a meal out of whatever we had and It always tasted great!

  Diane: Cooking is one of my personal passions as well.   I get a huge release and relaxation from creating in the kitchen.  I try to recreate the stories of my life through my food (i.e., dishes my grandmother made by going through her old marked-up cookbooks, etc.).  Sounds corney, huh?  Tell me what inspires your cooking.

Tony: My inspiration for cooking comes from creating dishes and watching others enjoy my food.

Diane: I grew up in a single-parent household as well.  I remember that my mother used to call me in from playing a few nights out of the week and try to get me to watch her cook because she felt it was important for a young girl to learn this skill.  Did your mother do the same with you?

 Tony: Yeah, I always stay up with her on holidays and watch her cook.  She would have all four burners going.  She’d be cleaning the greens and making my favorite ‘stuffing balls’ and I would watch her cook and clean up as she went along.  Then she would place this fabulous feast on the table and I would remember that all this food was once groceries that I had just put up.

Kela: What is your definition of family?

 Tony: No matter what we went through my mother always showed me that she loved me.  It made the tough times not so tough and I love her for that.  So my definition would be – LOVE

Kela:  Will you share any words of encouragement for other children who are being raised by a single mother or are in a stepfamily situation?

Tony: Do your part to make it work.  Being the oldest I have had a few step dads.  Some were great, some were pretty cool, and some just didn’t work out.  I learned that it take the parents and the children to make the step family thing work.  If everyone does their part to make the house a loving home it will work.  There will be misunderstandings and everyone won’t always agree, but if everyone at least tries to understand where others are coming from, everything will be just fine just fine just fine whew!) in my Mary J Blige voice

  Kela: What’s next for you – after culinary school?

Tony: I plan to open my own restaurant.  A high end restaurant that will serve fine dining and all the left over food will be served to homeless families at my mom’s shelter. Because it will keep me grounded so that I will never forget where I came from.

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