Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment

I subscribe to the Daily Babble newsletter and this week the very first article immediately caught my attention.  Teaching Kids About Disappointment was the title of the article; written by Harlyn Aizley, author of Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. The subtitle to this article was Why Are We So Afraid To Tell Children That Life’s Not Fair?

Harlyn’s article was about five year olds being disappointed at a birthday party, but it was the grander message that I found really thought provoking. Afterward, I pondered on the very question that she raised in her article; why the hell are we so afraid to tell our children that life sometimes isn’t fair?

As an ex and a stepmom I am well aware that life hasn’t always seemed fair for our children. The families, as they knew them, dissolved right before their very eyes. My son’s father lives out of the country for ten months of every year, which means he doesn’t get to see him very often.  He and my stepson are only 3 months apart and went from being only children, with the attention all on them, to having to share the attention with the other and with us. When my husband and I got together, they were barely 4 years old and I can totally see how life seemed unfair to them then and even now. After all, dad isn’t always able to be at school plays or basketball games because one (my ex) lives out of the country and my stepson’s dad (my husband) doesn’t live in state with him. However, from day one, I have been an advocate of empowering my son to accept change and define happiness or “normal” for himself. It is the reason that my ex and I have never attempted to alter my son’s reality. Dad is in Spain because that’s where his job is and mom lives in the states. I wasn’t going to move to Spain so that he could be closer to him. We don’t vacation together for his benefit (not knocking those who do, by the way) and we live our lives separately because we are no longer together.  Instead of altering my son’s reality I was successful in getting him to embrace this change and then define his new normal. I told him that yes dad works out of the country and you don’t get to see him very often, but that just means when you do see him it will be that much more rewarding. Instead of encouraging him to be angry about sharing me with two other people, I told him that he would now have a best buddy, whom he had a lot in common with, to create special memories with. Additionally, he would have a full time father figure to do things with that mom is no good at, like playing baseball or Yu-Gi Oh. Over time, he began to see my point and now, his modern family is normal to him and he’s very happy with it!

That being said, I never encouraged my son to suppress his feelings. I acknowledged his angry, hurt, sad, and confused feelings. I told him that he was absolutely justified in feeling the way that he did; however, I have never allowed him to use his circumstances as a crutch. Life sometimes sucks is what I told him, but you have to make the best out of whatever cards you are dealt. This is the way things are now and they are never going to be the way they were, so how do we move forward with what we have?

His life over the past 10 years has afforded him some life long lessons that he will take with him when he becomes an adult. The truth is, is that life isn’t always fair and nobody is going to twist and bend like a pretzel to make sure you are never disappointed. Life is full of disappointments! Additionally, you have to learn to move forward and choose to be happy instead of angry or victimized. Giving into that anger is what permanently scars you; not the disappointments themselves. It has also taught him that he is in charge of his happiness; not his dads, his moms, his siblings or anyone else. Finally, it has encouraged him to accept and embrace change because although it’s uncertain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be worth it.

I realize that what I’m saying is easier said than done, believe me I do. As a mom who always wants to protect her cubs, there have been times when I have wanted to give my son whatever he wants just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain, hurt or disappointment. But then I realized that doing so means that he will never be equipped to handle the real world and all the real life challenges that it brings.  Allowing our children to appropriately deal with and accept disappointment teaches them to live in this world and not some world that is designed specifically for them.

Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmom Standards

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. Comedian, actor and author, Steve Harvey was on talking about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Steve Harvey’s wife also appeared on the show and Steve told the story of when he knew that she was the woman for him. Apparently Mr. Harvey had been a player and one time when he and Mrs. Harvey (she was his girlfriend at the time), were on an overnight date, Steve’s phone rang in the middle of the night. It was another woman and he actually took the call. Mrs. Harvey said that she calmly got up and started packing her things. Steve asked her what she was doing and she replied, “I’m going home. You can be a player if you want to, but I’m not going to have any part of it. You will treat me with respect.” Steve told Dr. Phil that it was at that moment that he knew that she was the woman for him because she had standards and expectations and she made them perfectly clear.

There is a chapter in Harvey’s book on setting standards. “Here’s what’s happened over the years. Women’s standards and requirements have lowered. And as men, we know that. We have taken advantage of it. We’ve created terms that we feed to women that allow us to exist as we do. We created the term nagging. There’s really no such thing as nagging. As soon as a woman starts registering her complaint, we call it nagging. We let you know it will drive us away,” said Harvey. “So many standards have been lowered by women that now a man doesn’t have to climb over a very high bar to get to her. So now you have more men who can get away with more things with more women without any repercussions, ” he explained.

I am going to have to agree with Mr. Harvey. Many times women lower their expectations for how they should be treated based on what other people will think of them and this holds true for the stepmother as well. The stepmom or future stepmom might believe that she can’t require her husband or future husband to treat her a certain way because he has kids with another woman. She might feel like she can’t demand respect in her home because then she will be seen as the evil stepmother. She might feel as if she can’t expect her husband to make their marriage a priority because she will be seen as the woman taking him away from his kids. There are many other situations and reasons why a stepmom or future stepmom might not want to make her expectations perfectly clear, but I caution them not to lower their standards and expectations. Like Steve said, when women lower their standards, a man doesn’t have to work very hard to get to her and he is able to get away with more things. He’s able to use the “it’s for my kids” or “but she’s the mother of my children” excuse for mistreating you. It’s okay to put your foot down and demand to be treated as you would if he had never been married and didn’t have kids. This doesn’t mean that he is disowning his children or disrespecting the mother of his children just because he treats his wife or future wife the way she should be treated.

That being said, setting standards is different from delivering ultimatums and/or whining. When Steve Harvey’s wife left that night, she didn’t say you have to stop or I’m going to leave. She told him that he can be a player if he wants to, but she wasn’t going to have any part of it.  Stepmoms need to apply the same method to their respective situations. Realize that you can’t force someone to behave the way you want them to and after talking or arguing about your feelings for so long without change, then it’s time for YOU to take the situation into your own hands. Often times, when people are confronted with conflict we give our power to the person we’re in conflict with. We do this by continually whining about a situation that we’ve expressed our feelings about, over and over again, and still expecting the other person to take action. What we must realize and accept is that sometimes that other person just isn’t going to take action and we must be prepared to take that next step either way. Stepmoms need to start setting standards early (before you take the trip down the aisle). If there are things that you know you won’t tolerate, make it perfectly clear early on and be prepared to act on it so he knows what your expectations are.  Let him know that he can continue the behavior, but he can do it without you.  Let him know that you won’t tolerate rude and invasive exes or disrespectful children, from the very beginning. Tell him that you understand how everyone must feel, but you will accept no excuses for being mistreated in any way. Outline your standards and make your expectations of him perfectly clear. Make him work for you because you are worth it.

It’s Nothing Personal!

In the past, I have been told these words but it wasn’t until experiencing a small blended family crisis of my own last year did I really and truly find out how powerful those words can be, how powerful the meaning of them truly is and how I could apply them in several aspects of my life.   I found, through that experience, that my life, is better understood when I resolve myself to not take issues or situations too personally.  Life is easier this way for me.  Moreover, life is entirely too short for allowing myself to make issues “about me” instead of applying them to their rightful owners.  Now, does this mean we cannot be helpful at all regarding issues within our blended families should we be asked for help?  Absolutely not.  However, what I am saying is sticking our noses in other folks business and taking on their problems is not healthy for us period.  History tells us that stepmoms tend to try to carry the cross for everyone in the blended family, especially for our husbands when issues arise within the blended family, and it is not good for our mental, physical or emotional health and well-being.  This philosophy holds true for our work environments and also within our own households with our own children as well.  And, to be perfectly honest, once I jumped on the bandwagon, there was no stopping me.  I applied this rule within my life with my grown children as well.  I don’t take it personal.  Their issues are theirs and theirs to deal with.  I can give advice and if they decide not to take it, well then they deal with the ramifications. Not me.  With that being said, my stress level has become next to nil.

Historically, stepmothers have always felt the need to be the “be all and do all” or the “fixer of many things” not realizing that some of those stresses and issues just aren’t ours to deal with and sometimes our involvement, especially when unsolicited, can be downright irritating.  We skew the understanding of our roles. What stepmothers need to understand is that just because you are a stepmother and wife doesn’t mean that you have to own your husband’s problems or issues.  Should you be there for him?  Yes.  Should he be able to lean on you for understanding? Absolutely.  Should you take over and handle issues for him that he is perfectly capable of dealing with and should be handling himself?  Absolutely Not!  And, furthermore, if he doesn’t ask you for your help or if he happens NOT lean on you and prefers to handle an issue directly with his ex wife about his children, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL!  Having these very unrealistic expectations of yourself and your role will cause more confusion.

So, stepmoms or soon-to-be stepmoms, stop trying to micro-manage every aspect of the lives of those around you and take that energy and time to work on yourself.  Whether that be by spending some quality “me” time with yourself at the spa or, like I try to do once or twice a year, rent a hotel room for a night and enjoy the quiet, relaxing time  alone.  Your children, your husband and the pressures of life will be there upon your return.  Take time to re-evaluate and re-invigorate  your role and yourself.

If you’re doing all you can at your job and your efforts go under-appreciated, don’t take it personally and bring it home with you after work.  If your stepchildren are having a hard time accepting you, do what you are supposed to do as a step-parent and don’t take it personal.  If your spouse’s ex has an issue with you, assign that problem back to it’s rightful owner and don’t take it personal!   Release that stress.

Remember, being the “be all and do all” won’t make your step-children love you more or make you feel more appreciated, it will only run you down.  Taking care of ourselves, our families and being who we are within our blended families is enough.   All the rest comes with time and is gravy!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Our Favorite Hollywood Blended Family - The Smiths

The Smith Family

The Smith family, which includes actor Will Smith, his beautiful wife, actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith and their 3 children, Trey (from Will’s prior marriage), Jaiden and Willow, are one of my favorite Hollywood blended families. The entire family, including Will’s ex-wife, Sheree and her husband, former NFL player, Terrell Fletcher appeared on the show.

When Oprah expressed that stepmom and ex-wife apparently get along, Jada responded by saying that she and Sheree made a conscious effort, early on, to get along.

“Sheree and I BOTH had to make that decision because at the end of the day, we had Trey and he had to be our primary focus,” she says. “So we had to put aside our own craziness, our stuff, all the baggage that comes with it. She and I just had to focus on, ‘What does he need?’”

The equally beautiful and marvelous, Sheree Fletcher, also chimed in by saying that while getting to that place took time and lots of “conversation”, it was extremely important.

Sheree Fletcher

“You realize, [Will and I] had our chance, now it’s about those kids,” said Sheree.

Will and Jada also discussed their plan for marriage, specifically called a Marriage Business Plan. This plan outlines their goals for their life and marriage.

“If you don’t have a purpose for your relationship, if you don’t have a place that you’re going, something that you want to accomplish, something that you want to do, you can really get lost in the murk of the journey,” Will says. “There has to be a vision. Like, why are we together?”

Will and Jada also said that they stay out of the spotlight (drama) because they believe the higher power put them together. As such, they focus on the greater purpose of their marriage instead of focusing on the drama. In turn, they have been able to create and sustain wonderful relationships within their blended family and raise 3 incredibly grounded children in Hollywood.

A very big round of applause goes to the Smith’s blended family for creating a solid marriage for their children and putting all the craziness (as Jada describes) aside to create a healthy family for their children. I LOVE IT!!!!

Stepmom, Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Aha Moment: She tried to micromanage the world. By letting go and doing less, actress Jada Pinkett Smith realized she could actually be more.

Source: The Oprah Show and Oprah.com

Dads’ Summer Visitation

With Summer quickly approaching, a lot of non-custodial parents (who are usually dads) are about to embark on yet another Summer visitation.  With that being said, having a productive Summer visitation with your children should be on every dad’s wish list.  Most people see Summer visitation as images of beaches, amusement parks, going to bed late and getting up even later.   However, while our children deserve to have fun during the Summer, it should also be a productive time for them as well.  While our children undoubtedly are expectant of a fun Summer visitation, dads need to be careful not to “over do” or for a lack of better words, fall into the trap of the “disneyland dad” syndrome.  Summer visitation is a very important bonding time with your children, which should be fairly uninterrupted by the custodial parent, but also time that should be balanced by productiveness.

Being able to spend extra quality time with your children and making lasting memories with them will take them through the rest of their lives.  With that,  creating a positive experience during this time can be challenging without good preparation.  As such, preparation should also include your children.  Making plans ahead of time with your children’s involvement can be a fun activity.  For example, making weekly phone calls and perhaps exchanging emails to discuss updates and new plans.  By doing this you also strengthen the communication between yourself and  your children as well.  By making them a part of the planning, they will feel that their voices are being heard and their ideas considered as well.

Remember, by using your extended time well with your children, you will be making lasting memories that will pay great dividends in the future.  As parents, the most precious gift we can give our children is that of our time.  Your personal investment in spending time with your children is worth much more than any gift you can buy them.

Here are a few planning tips for you dads who might struggle with planning for your Summer visitations:

• Turn off the TV and you and your children sit down together and make your Summer activity “Wish List.”
• Plan a Summer road trip.  Whether it be a day trip or a weekend trip, explore new ground.
• Institute the “Summer Book Club.”  Read with your children.  Check out books at the library or purchase them and have family discussions about same.  This is a great, fun way to incorporate the much needed reading time over the Summer.
• Hit your local museums for the day.  Another way to incorporate education.
• Organize a family reunion.  Take the extra time to allow your children to visit your extended family.
• Volunteer.  There are lot of opportunities for people of all ages to volunteer.  Volunteering teaches humility, self-respect, respect for others, and most importantly, builds character in our children.  Teaching children to give of themselves is a life-long lesson that they will pass on for years to come.
• Check out fun Summer day camps.  All children benefit from social interaction outside of school.

Lastly, keep in mind, especially if there is a large geographical difference between your home and the custodial parents home, that Summer visitation can be an emotional time for children.  Helping them to prepare ahead of time helps to calm their anxieties.  Allowing your children to have somewhat frequent contact with the custodial parent gives them a sense of security and helps to calm their nerves about becoming homesick.  However, its also important that custodial parents remember how important it is for their children to have that uninterrupted quality/bonding time with the non-custodial parent as it makes for extremely well-rounded children who are filled with self-esteem because they are encouraged to have healthy relationships with both of their parents.

May your Summer visitation be productive, filled with lasting memories and full of fun times!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

My Way Or The Highway

Have you ever thought that everything would be great in your relationship if your spouse or significant other changed to comply with everything you think is right?  I can admit that in one of my past lives, I have been guilty of doing so.  Instead of validating your spouse’s perspective on a situation, you make it impossible to negotiate and refuse to stand together to find an amicable solution to whatever issue the two of you are experiencing.  Ironically, you attribute your meeting him/her in the middle as weakness and instead of feeling like partners, you feel like opponents.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Every relationship has its share of stresses and each person, at times, whether they admit it or not, has times when their disagreements get the best of them and inadvertently allows that argument to redefine them and their commitment.  When disagreements get  bad, each person digs in and makes little effort to work around the problem at hand.  What they are essentially saying is “it’s my way or the highway.”

In partnership there are always going to be hard times and unexpected problems that occur.  It’s important to remember through every unexpected cloud there is a silver lining.  You don’t have to fool yourself into thinking that it has to be one way or the other in order to be happy.  It is also important to understand that although disagreements aren’t comfortable to go through, they add character to our relationships.

Here are a few tips to help you avoid the ”my way or the highway” attitude:

• Think objectively when communicating with your spouse, especially during disagreements.
• Your perspective is based on your individual experience but that does not make it right in a relationship.  Take the creative leap to empathize with your spouse, see his/her point of view and perspective and do not make them feel invalidated.
• Appreciate your differences.
• When going through differences, don’t fill in the blanks about what the other person is thinking or trying to say.  By doing so, we take the quality we experience and attribute it to the other person.  That quality doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to your relationship.

Lastly, any solution we find to our disagreements has to come from a “WE” point of view.  For example, when disagreeing, begin with “Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing.  What can we do to help us stop.”

These are just a few ways to explore avoiding ultimatum language like the title of this post describes.   Having the ability to appreciate your partner’s point of view does not invalidate your own. Being able to appreciate each others’ differences is a value that all relationships should strive to achieve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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