Our 2013 Joy-Inducing Plan

December 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In modern families it can be difficult to not allow the pitfalls to consume you and/or define you and your family. However, if you make a committment to choose joy, it will give you a new perspective on life. Changing your mindset can truly change the dynamics of your complicated family and surprisingly, it doesn’t begin with focusing on your family’s problems. It begins with focusing on you! Below is our joy-inducing plan that will help you choose joy, thereby making your family more joyful as well.

Get Moving

Do some sort of exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. It can be walking, jogging, pilates, yoga or zumba. Studies show that exercise not only gives you energy but releases natural endorphins that leave you feeling healthy, strong, and happy.

Stop Comparing

I know that social media is supposed to keep us connected, but sometimes it can be a curse. While it’s okay to visit blogs to gain support from others in similiar situations, you still must take everything with a grain of salt. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s because everyone’s journey is different. Instead compare your journey (if you must compare) to where you and your family were a year ago as opposed to now.

Start Forgiving

Replaying the hurt that someone imposed on us (often many moons ago) over an over again is bad for your health! Studies show that that kind of rumination is linked to anxiety, depression, stress and heart disease. Let go of the hurt and remember forgiveness is for you!

Start Helping

It’s no secret that shifting the focus from your problems to someone else’s truly increases your own happiness. Find a cause that’s dear to you and volunteer. It will not only make a difference in someone else’s life, it will make a difference in yours as well.

Girlfriend Time

Again, social media (facebook, twitter, Skype…) can be both a blessing and a curse. It’s a curse because it keeps us from connecting face to face. Humans thrive off of human touch (a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch of the hand…) and unfortunately, you can’t do that online. So, from time to time, grab your BFF or somebody’s BFF and have coffee, grab a bite to eat, or go for a walk and talk.

Have Sex

Quit telling your husband you have a headache and just go ahead and give him some already. Studies have proven that sex reduces anxiety and depression and just being touched in a sensitive area can increase those feelings of joy throughout the next day.

Fake it Until You Make It

Did you know that facial movements can actually trigger physiological responses? When you smile, even when you don’t feel like it, your brain gets confused and tells itself, “I’m smiling, so I must be happy.” By that same token, if you walk around with a frown all the time, it can have the opposite effect. So. put a smile on your face, whether you feel like it or not.

Plan Fun on a Regular Basis

A wise older woman (she was 91 years of age to be exact) told me that her secret to living a long, happy life was always having something to look forward to. This something can be as simple as game night with the girls, date night with your hubby, a night of a relaxing bubble bath and some soft jazz music, etc. Whatever the case may be, make sure you plan these little jolts of fun and put it on your calendar. Research shows that looking forward to future fun and actually seeing it on your calendar (no matter how small) can give you an immediate boost.

 

 

 

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Merging Values for Successful Stepparenting

October 15, 2012 By

It is well known that while living in a stepfamily, you will experience unique challenges.  Expecting that your blended family will work like a biological/first family is like navigating a canoe during a hurricane.  With that being said, most stepparents get so caught up in the problems they are experiencing that they fail to seek out resolutions.  In turn, this causes the stepparent to feel as if they have failed which often sends them into feeling hopeless, and even worse, depression.

Failed expectations can make merging values non-existent.  One of the first mistakes we make as spouses in a remarriage is that we go into our marriage trying to fix mistakes made in our prior marriage sometimes even hoping that we will find all of the answers so that we don’t fall trap to them the second time around.  This expectation is the first step in a slew of unrealistic expectations that play a role in the 75% divorce rate in remarriages.

In my opinion, one of the most important lessons we have to learn before we go into a remarriage is that we have to “work on ourselves” first.  We have to care about our own hearts.  For example, speaking from the stepmother’s perspective, we tend to put too much stock into how much our stepchildren love or care about us.  That particular expectation is usually set from the beginning by us and by our spouses.  However, when you put it all in perspective, how can you truly open up and and let your love flow for others if you are constantly worrying about what you aren’t doing right.  We have to work on ourselves ahead of merging values with someone else.  Maintaining your boundaries and living in a better version of yourself will allow you to understand that “love” is not a requirement.  If “love” is going to form, it rarely forms in the beginning.  Love is built. 

How do you maintain healthy expectations when merging values you might ask?  Begin with the following:

  • Your stepfamily did not form on the pages of a pre-written manuscript.  The Brady Bunch was a made for television production. You cannot build your stepfamily around that fantasy.
  • Before you entered into the stepfamily environment, you essentially had been seeing it from an outside position. The waters may be calm at first, but I guarantee you things will never be as perfect as you think they are.  Be open to understanding that you don’t have to impress everyone in order to validate yourself.  That is not your job nor is it healthy for you as a stepparent.
  • Every family, whether bio or step, has some sort of issue. Don’t blame all of your problems on your stepfamily. Evaluate each issue for what it truly is, don’t shove it under the rug, and find the solution. One of the best ways to kill a stepfamily is to expect that if the little problems are ignored and swept under the rug , they will just go away.  NOT!  Rejection, angst, resentment and discord will be your end result if you expect that the little issues will resolve themselves. 
  • As parents of our biological children, it is normal and healthy to have high expectations.  As stepparents, we need to realize that we have to lower our expectations a bit.  That’s a hard pill to swallow at times, but this family was formed, not biologically created.  Your stepchildren may have been raised totally different from the way you and your ex-spouse raised your children.  You and your spouse more than likely came from two different backgrounds and may not have been raised with the same values — it will always be a work in process.  Lower your expectations.

Having shared values is what defines any family, including stepfamilies.  Building and merging values includes stocking up on plenty of communication, respect, love and commitment between the two most important people, the leaders, you and your spouse.  Of course, everyone in the stepfamily has an important role, but as the team captains, you are specifically responsible for maintaining your family unit.  The first way to merge your values is to recognize that your partnership is the most important link.  If there is any form of resistance in your stepfamily, what you and your spouse decide to focus on and to show all of the children in the family about the sturdiness of your marriage is what they will either lean against to conform and merge, or what they will use to try to tear it down during times of weakness.  Remember, all stepfamilies are formed out of some sort of loss and it is usually the children who have suffered the hardest.  Teaching them through the pain is crucial.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

 

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Hollywood = Splitsville?

January 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

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High Conflict Divorce Affects Everyone

January 10, 2011 By 1 Comment

The majority of the well-meaning advice that is offered to stepfamilies on the internet, by therapists, friends of the stepfamily and so on, is almost always directed toward the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce with an ex-spouse. And the reason I say the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce, is because dealing with a disgruntled ex-spouse and a high conflict divorce affects everyone; your spouse, your kids, your spouse’s kids and any kids you share together! When dealing with a narcissitic and/or abusive or troubled ex-spouse, absolutely no one is off limits to them. So as you can imagine, if you are the step parent in this type of stepfamily, hearing advice like; view your spouse’s ex-spouse as a person and experience the world through his or her eyes; try not to take it personally; remember you’re all working toward the same goal; or don’t get angry because it’s about the kids, it can literally tend to drive you up a wall.

The fact of the matter is that stepfamilies that deal with high conflict divorces don’t argue over things like showing up late for visitation pick up or whether or not to invite your spouse to the parent teacher conference. Instead, they argue over parental alienation - when one parent goes months or years without seeing his or her child; or, stalking the new spouse because the ex-spouse is completely obsessed with him or her. Furthermore, some exes are and have been abusive and although the marriage is over, still act this way when co-parenting with their former spouse and step parents. For people who have to co-parent with these types of individuals it would be difficult to look past all this and try to see them as human and reach out to them.

As a result, it’s pretty difficult for the people, including step parents, on the receiving end to hear things like; it’s inappropriate to get angry or maybe it would help if you just reached out to your husband or wife’s ex-spouse.  When in fact, it’s okay, therapeutic even, to get angry and no amount of “reaching out” is going to help an ex-spouse who is hell bent on being bitter and angry, due to their own issues. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes. I understand that while you knew you were marrying a man/woman with children, you certainly didn’t bargain for dealing with and being directly affected by their “wicked exes”. Below are some tips to help you preserve what little sanity you may have left.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it (by losing it, I mean gettting frustrated, overwhelmed, or occasionally telling your spouse or their ex-spouse where they can shove it) sometimes. Just like everyone else will suggest about the ex-spouse you’re dealing with, you are only human.
  2. Let it out if you need to. Don’t hold all of your emotions in. If you’re angry, sad, hurt, frustrated…call a supportive friend, tell your spouse, or call a therapist who has experienced with stepfamily issues.
  3. Write! Writing is so therapeutic, even when it’s just for your eyes only. Get a journal and  start journaling how you feel on a regular basis. This will help to deter those explosive moments that erupt due to internalizing everything.
  4. Start a blog. It’s a virtual way of journaling your journey (even if the posts are kept private) and you can meet tons of supportive people in similiar situations.
  5. Be sure to get in tons of “me” time. Take a walk by yourself. Have dinner with a friend once per month or curl up with a good book from time to time.
  6. Doesn’t it bother you[step parents] when you are affected by one or both of the parent’s irresponsible actions regarding their children and when you react, they want to spew the line – “It’s about the kids?”  ”It’s about the kids” is a line the kids’ parents need to pay close attention to as well, and if they have trouble keeping this in mind 100% of the time, it’s fair to assume that it might be a little bit difficult for you, too. So again, don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes!

Disclaimer: All of the examples mentioned in this post don’t necessarily reflect events that have happened in my life and they may not pertain to you. I wrote the post in response to the many step parents and ex-spouses that I’ve spoken with over the years who have experienced these types of issues. If they don’t pertain to you, consider yourself blessed (maybe your issues don’t seem that deep now), but do know that they do pertain to someone.

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Are Step-Parents Real Parents?

September 1, 2010 By 4 Comments

stepmomdaugh

In doing some recent research about the relationships step-parents share with their step-children, I was refreshed with an article I read a while back, a few years after first becoming a stepmom.   The article begged a post here on Todays Modern Family not just because of its relevancy, but because of the importance it holds not just for step-parents facing this issue, but for gay and lesbian couples as well.  I recently experienced such an experience with my step-daughter and I just had to post this article in its entirety for our readers.  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding same.

Are Step-Parents Real Parents:  Published by Time Magazine (Circa 2006)

This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans – anyone in a stepfamily.  But you’ll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.

The case comes out of Washington State. Sue Carvin and Page Britain were lesbians living together since 1989. Their baby, L., was born in 1995, using an at-home artificial insemination kit and some sperm donated from their gay friend. Page Britain carried L. and gave birth, but Sue Carvin became the stay-at-home mom while Page worked to support the family. Their child called Sue “Mama” and Page “Mommy.”

For several years they were a model of lesbian co-parenting. But Page grew upset that Sue didn’t earn much money, and Sue was hurt that Page didn’t recognize the value of her sacrifice. They split up when L. was seven years old. Ever since, they’ve been fighting for custody in the courts. Or sort of. Because the courts couldn’t agree on whether Sue Carvin even had the right to fight for custody. She nurtured the child, but she wasn’t the biological mother. So what was she, in the eyes of the law?

Washington State decided that Sue Carvin has the right to argue she’s a “de facto” parent. This new classification can apply to any non-biological parental figure – and it specifically mentions stepparents. So while the case appears on first glance to be about gay-and-lesbian rights, it may have a far broader impact.

Consider that for every 1,000 couples with children in the United States, only two of those couples are same-sex-oriented. Meanwhile, thanks to the huge number of second marriages, a third of all Americans are part of a stepfamily. The question “Are they real parents?” applies not just to gays and lesbians – it applies to every stepfamily. That’s what the kids are testing when they angrily scream, “You’re not my real mommy!” And when the biological mother hears that her son has been spanked by his stepmother, she wonders, “She can’t do that, can she?”

While we closely monitor how gay rights are granted and taken away, we pay almost no attention to the fact that stepparents are in the same legal limbo. Despite being ubiquitous, step-relationships are rarely recognized by the law. In most states, stepparents are considered “legal strangers” even if they have cared for and supported a stepchild for years. They have almost no official responsibility and barely any rights.

What kind of rights are they deprived of? Some are remarkably banal. For instance a stepparent can’t sign a child’s school report card or field-trip permission form. Others are significant. A stepfather can’t include his stepdaughter on his family health insurance plan, for example. And she can’t inherit from him when he dies.

In the last few years, state family courts have tried to accommodate the stepparents and stepchildren who appear before them, without granting so much that it subtracts rights from a biological parent. In Colorado a stepparent can now sign the form that allows a minor to apply for a driver’s license. And in Oregon, a stepparent can petition the courts for visitation of former stepchildren, if that marriage has ended. In Arkansas, it’s even theoretically possible now for a stepparent to win custody over a biological parent. But in each state it’s a different story, and many states are still in denial.

So a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can’t sue.

The legal field is sitting on a huge time bomb. One-third of Americans are just one unfortunate circumstance away from ending up in court demanding their rights – where they will be told that those relationships aren’t real, and don’t count.

The U.S. Supreme Court has never been pressed to rule whether a stepparent is a real parent, and if so, under what conditions. But when it declined to review Britain v. Carvin, Washington State’s test for “de facto” parents instantly became a model for other states to replicate. Through a case everyone thought was about gay rights, stepfamilies just opened the door to the recognition they truly deserve.

Over the next 10 years, there will be an explosion of cases testing just how “real” stepparents are. This will never get the attention surrounding same-sex cases, because stepfamilies are just as populous in red states as blue, and no politician can use it to their advantage. Nor are stepfamilies subjected to the same degree of prejudice. Stepparents might be vilified, but they are vilified one at a time – not as a class. However, the systematic bias against them is very real.

Just as the law prefers parents to be one male and one female, the law prefers to limit the number of parents to two. Maybe this is because two is the number of people it takes to make a child in the first place. Maybe it’s because all the government forms are already printed with two signature lines. Maybe it’s because two worked so well for us for so long. But that hasn’t been the reality for several decades, and it’s time for the law to catch up.

Give me your thoughts TMF readers, we would love to hear your opinions on this subject!

You can read the full article at:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1195205,00.html#ixzz0yHi6btPl

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Sometimes There Are No Do Overs!

May 17, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Bruce, Demi, Ashton and daughters

Bruce, Demi, Ashton and daughters

Quite often I am asked one question; How do you repair a broken relationship with your ex-spouse? Most times, when ex-spouses present this question to me, they are wanting an answer that includes a magic formula for having a Bruce and Demi or Nicole and Eddie Murphy relationship in which everyone (new partners and all) get together on the regular and become fast friends.  The problem is that this is not always possible, and sometimes an ex-spouse has to accept that although you’ll never be great friends, you can have a co-operative co-parenting relationship. Aiming for unrealistic expectations usually ends up with hurt feelings and kids caught in the middle.

Most divorces end with a certain amount of anger, disappointment, uncertainty and confusion. One or both parties may say or do things that they really don’t mean to hurt the other due to the above-mentioned emotions.  It’s a natural human reaction to sadness, anger and disappointment. You’re hurting so naturally you want the other party to hurt as well. When these impulsive reactions are minor and short-lived, it’s easy to forgive, recover from and even end up as friendly co-parents. However, sometimes there are no do overs and it can be impossible to recover from certain actions enough to actually be friends afterward.

For example, in a situation where a parent alienates a child for years, but then has a change of heart or the court intervenes and orders that the other parent be able to have regular visitation with the child, it will be hard to recover from that in order to be friends.  Or, how about the recent Dwayne Wade vs. his estranged wife case, where the ex-wife goes as far as suing the new girlfriend because her children got medium sized gifts, but the new girlfriend got the biggest gift of all for Christmas. There are also cases where the ex-wife constantly has the ex-husband in court for things like forgetting to administer medicine during visitation or calling the child outside of the court-ordered time. These types of things may even be forgivable, but they certainly aren’t forgettable.

In cases where there are simply hurt or unresolved feelings it’s easy for the divorced couple to repair their relationship, move forward and eventually become friends. But, when a parent has missed out on years of his child’s life as a result of the other parent, or has had to spend thousands of dollars in frivolous court battles, it’s darn near impossible to forget those things. You can repair your relationship enough to be cordial for the kids, but it’s unrealistic to assume that you’ll be great friends afterward. As a matter of fact, it’s unfair to ask the victim of such acts to just forget about missing out on years of your child’s life or the thousands of dollars spent unnecessarily in court, etc.; let’s just be friends.

Here’s the revelation: Sometimes there are no do overs. You might be able to make it better, but you won’t be able to make it right. When going through a divorce, consider the fact that there is a line that you cannot cross if you ever want to go back and repair a broken co-parenting relationship. Remember, when it’s all said and done, just because you feel better doesn’t mean that everybody else does. So think before you act impulsively and consider the long-term effect that those impulsive actions will have on your children. Lastly, it’s equally important for all divorced couples to realize aiming for friendship is  not a realistic goal for all divorced couples. For those who have been through war and suffered some lasting damage as a result, just being cordial is good enough.

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Sandra Bullock Adopts Baby Boy!

May 12, 2010 By Leave a Comment
People cover of Bullock and baby

People cover of Bullock and baby

Just 10 days after the Oscar’s in March, Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James, split following reports that he had cheated. Four years prior, Bullock and James had begun an adoption process. However, Sandra finalized the adoption of her brand new baby boy, Louis Bardo, Bullock, as a single parent.

Bullock adopted the 3 and a half month old from New Orleans, and the 45 year old Oscar winning actress says she couldn’t be happier.

“He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”

Currently, James is in treatment for a sex addiction, but there’s  no word on whether or not these two will repair their broken marriage and family. Bullock has been like a mother to James 3 children; Sunny, Jesse and Chandler, and they all miss her very much.

This poses a question that I’ve been thinking about for quite some time now; especially since the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the first. What happens to the children of an unfortunate second divorce? What happens to the relationship with a step-parent with whom they’ve grown close to? What happens when their biological parent finds yet a new love and even gets married again? How many parental relationships do these children have to attempt to work on; their biological parents, former step-parent and new step-parent? Is it best for a former step-parent to just back away so that the children are able to cope better? I am going to answer these questions in an upcoming article.

For now, congratulations to new mom Sandra Bullock.  I wish the best of luck to this modern family. I hope they can find a way to make it better for the children who are always caught in the middle.

“Thank you to all the parents who love children no matter where they come from.” ~Sandra Bullock

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My Other Dad

April 23, 2010 By 3 Comments

familyblendIn a recent Good News article, I announced that our blended family was growing. Both my son’s stepmother and I had babies 4 months apart. We have always supported each other in a healthy way,  encouraged sibling relationships and given our children the freedom to love. I’ve never told my son how to refer to his step-parents or what to call them. I’ve just always emphasized that we all love him and that he’s lucky to have two sets of parents who want the best for him. When talking to my son, I have never used the adjective “step” to describe any of his parents. I wanted him to create his own titles based on the relationships he formed with each of us. As a result, he refers to his parents as “my other dad” or “my other mom.” It’s amazing what effect our supportive and encouraging attitudes have had on my son’s younger brother (the child that my ex and his wife share).

For example, because babies equal sleepless nights and my son’s stepmother is here by herself until my ex returns from overseas, we support each other by carpooling. Both boys attend the same school (the school is K-8th grade), so my husband takes the boys to school in the morning and stepmom picks them up. This past week, on their way to school, the boys were discussing wrestling with my husband. Well, my husband was extremely tickled when my son’s brother said, “My other dad knows a lot about the old wrestlers.” Keep in mind that he doesn’t have a step-parent! Because we have given our children the freedom to just love, they are accepting of us all. He feels that since his brother has two sets of parents and these people accept me as well, they must be my parents, too.

Here’s the revelation: Children desire connection, a sense of belonging and to be loved. Whether they desire to be part of a family, a team or a clique at school, they want to belong. They are much more accepting than what we give them credit for. It is the parents that dump their toxic behavior, views and bitterness on them and influence their decisions and free will to love. If we look at the bigger picture and realize that these kids will be left with each other and not our bitterness, once we are gone, it should be easier to not impose our issues on to them. Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll never have any issues as co-parents (that’s unrealistic). It just means that you should leave all children out of them, and not allow those issues to prevent you from supporting their relationships with all involved parents and siblings. Co-parents, please support and encourage your child’s relationships within his stepfamily. Trust me when I say that the long-term benefit will far out weigh your short-term satisfaction.

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Negotiating in Your Modern Family

January 14, 2010 By 2 Comments

fightingfairPeople routinely bargain and negotiate with one another.  Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs.  This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well.  In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.

As we all know, bargaining can of course also be a useful tool.  However, it can at times work against us and become inefficient when dealing with modern family issues.  For example, instead of following the court order regarding visitation (i.e., during holidays and school breaks), one parent or the other often re-negotiates the original agreement with the expectation that it will please everyone, only to be disappointed when the outcome goes awry.   In this case, bargaining and negotiating the court order probably did more harm than good.  As such, to avoid these type of issues, following the established court order is the best way to go.

Another example of ineffective bargaining is bargaining over positions in your modern family.  For example, your wife has made an arrangement with her ex-husband and hasn’t consulted you.  You state your position that you should be involved in every decision regardless of whether the outcome affects you personally or not when in fact, if the the outcome doesn’t involve you, it really isn’t necessary that the issue be discussed with you.  However, this type of positional bargaining will always become a battle.  Your husband won’t give in and you won’t either and now you have an all out war on your hands.  Each task after that becomes conflicted because you both don’t want to change your positions.  After which, the result ends in resentment and the original concern that got you there in the first place often get lost in space.  Positional bargaining in your marriage can be detrimental for the mere fact that we are  humans and we have strong emotions.  Often, however, we allow our emotions to take over our perception of the actual issue or problem we are faced with.  This particularly holds true for members of today’s modern family.  If we decide to attack the problem instead of the person, we have effectively taken the “bargaining position” out of the problem and we can then effectively negotiate.  As long as we are not owning problems that aren’t ours to own. 

Lesson:  Bargain or negotiate only over things that you can control within your family.

Furthermore, we have to keep in mind that negotiating in a bio/nuclear family is totally different than negotiating or bargaining in a modern/step family. In a bio/nuclear family, there are two adults with whom to negotiate and consider, and that’s the two biological parents. In a modern/step family there are at least three and sometimes four or more adults with whom to negotiate and consider, which often times makes negotiating way more difficult.   The paradigm that I like to describe this with is it would be like playing chess with the rules of checkers.  Communicating issues, concerns and options with the members of your modern family is fantastic and healthy, but knowing when the bargaining tactic is not useful helps as well.

One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is titled “Getting to Yes – Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  I read this book years ago when I was having issues with my ex.  The book says, and I quote, “how you see the world depends on where you sit.”  That is the most powerful statement in the book.  The authors go on to say that each person in conflict usually can only see their side of a problem and also only see the faults of the other, however, it is the ability to see the situation as the other person sees it (whether it is your husband or wife, ex-spouses, children or step-children), as difficult as that may may be, is one of the most important values and skills you can ever possess.

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Tips for Step-parents

January 3, 2010 By 1 Comment

stepmomdaughOne of the most challenging and dynamic positions I have ever undertaken in my life is my role as a step-parent.  Step-parenting can find some of its participants completely unprepared for the journey that lies before them.  Taking on the joint responsibility of raising a child is not something one should take lightly.  It is a huge responsibility that at times is not only challenging and intriguing, but can also be just as encouraging and rewarding in the long term.   The Bible, in the Book of Esther, tells a beautiful story about Mordecai and Esther and their step-parent relationship.  Esther’s parents unexpectedly died and Mordecai, even though he was a cousin, stepped into the role as Esther’s father.  He loved her, took care of her and treated her as his own.  The step-relationship has a long history and every family has bumps in the road toward a successful modern family.  The word “step” originated from the word “steop” which has the meaning ”bereaved and deprived.”  As such, being a step-parent can be an undaunting and sometimes under-appreciated task.

Of course, no step-parent has all the right tools at first going into a remarriage with bonus children.  Obviously, through your own experience, there will be times where minor and even  major adjustments have to be made.  Adjustments however don’t always have to be looked at as negative.  Sometimes, we need to make adjustments in order to enhance ourselves and to make ourselves a better person, parent or step-parent.  Another  common occurrence step-parents face, usually at the beginning of their journeys, is having the unrealistic expectation that their modern family will have an immediate, harmonious family unit experience.  They go into their marriage/remarriage ”gun ho and ready to go” only to be disappointed later when they find out that the expectation stated above just wasn’t feasible.

Understanding the issues that you face as a step-parent will be an integral part of your success.  The process of understanding isn’t always easy as you may have to accept changes that you might feel don’t fit into your style of parenting, but with that, you can implement your own adjustments as well.  Striving and working together is the key but this will only work if everyone in the family has that goal.   If you have to force it, that might be your clue that the speed bumps in your modern family journey may end up being pot-holes someday.  How you understand and face those bumpy times is what is important.  Step-parenting can be very rewarding, but can also become resentful for people without the right tools.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate through your journey:

  • Being a step-parent doesn’t entitle you to any “title.”  Don’t force your step-child to give you an automatic name other than your own.  Let them decide on their own.   Titles are not as important as relationships.
  • Make time and spend time together as a whole family.  Albeit, it is good for a child to spend time alone with his/her own parent, keeping you (the step-parent) and the child’s step-siblings separate all of the time, keeps the family as a whole separate and leaves feelings hurt.
  • Treat your step-child the way you would want your own child to be treated.  Your remarriage came as part of a package.  Although you don’t have to instantaneously love your step-child, you do love your husband or wife and your step-child is a part of them.  Treat them as if they were your own.
  • Do not disparage the other parent.  This is the biggest mistake people make in their modern families.  Children of divorce have to make major adjustments in their lives, having to deal with this issue only makes it worse for them.  Remember what your parents taught you — If you have nothing good to say, keep your mouth shut!

There are also a few great books that you can turn to for help that I have personally read and were a great help to me:

  • You’re Not My Mom!  Confessions of a Formerly “Wicked” Stepmother  — written by Kali and Elizabeth Schneiders — (the authors happen to be Stepmom and Stepdaughter)  Amazing!!!
  • Stepmothers and Stepdaughters:  Relationships of Chance by Karen Annarino and Jean Blomquist — This is a great book!
  • Stepmonster by Dr. Wednesday Martin
  • The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal — This is a great book as well!

Facing adversity or road bumps is never easy, not even for us seasoned step-parents.   But if you step forward, make the necessary adjustments when need be, take care of yourself and your family, the path you travel can be positive and rewarding for both you and your modern family.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

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