Balance & the Blended Family by Diane Greene

Blended families are hard enough….especially when everyone is learning how to balance their new lives together.  This includes mothers, fathers, step-fathers, step-moms and the children as well.  Everyone has their own way of finding their balance and where they fit into the blended family. 

Most of the time, the children are the ones that have the hardest time finding balance.  In some of my readings, I have seen it described as a game of “musical chairs” because most of the time, the children are required to move into a new position and that takes major adjustment.  For example, my step-daughter is the oldest child in her mother and step-father’s household.  In our household, she is the second to the baby of the family.  Therefore, she goes from having more responsibility at her mother’s home to just keeping her room clean at our house.   So as you can see, she, upon returning to her mother’s home, has to make adjustments that I am sure she doesn’t always like (i.e., being the big sister, chores, helping mom, etc.)  but at the same time, are just part of life as an oldest child.  Although we try to maintain that balance for her, that music never stops for her and her life doesn’t stop changing from week to week and I am sure that it is hard for her at times as it is at times for all members of the blended family.

The trick is to maintain a semblance of balance.   The following are some ideas that you can use to help maintain that balance:

1.  Suggest to your husband or wife some special alone time with his/her child (i.e., take him/her out for lunch, movie, etc.) without you once in a while.  And you do the same with your child or children. 

2.  Continue to take notice of their special accomplishments and make sure they know you are keeping up with all of them (i.e., grades, choir recitals, soccer and volleyball games, etc.).

3.  To say your love for your child or step-child is unconditional is easy, but it is also easy to be looked over at times.   Show them physical attention.  Hugs are so important (YES, even for boys).  When I had my oldest son (now 21), the nurse at the hospital told me that human touch is the most powerful tool of  communication  you can have with your child (and stepchild).  Hug them often, sit together, give them high-fives and tell them you are proud of them for no reason. 

4.  Listen to your children and step-children.  Make sure they know they can come to you and that you are open-minded to their suggestions and feelings.  Sometimes children of blended families will seek your approval for little things because they may have insecurities or jealousies about your new family.  Make sure they know your love is not performance-based but unconditional.

I married a man who had one child.  I have 3.  So, my step-daughter obviously had to make the most adjustments in our blended family.  When she comes to our home, she deals with 3 brothers.  When she goes home, she has 2 little sisters that she has to make adjustments with as well.  I try to make it a point to make her transition smooth when coming to our home because she is the only girl and a “daddy’s girl” at that. 

No matter what our agenda is for that day of the week or the weekend, I try to make sure that my step-daughter has that very important alone time with her father, even if it’s something as simple as watching a television show with him alone.  I do this in subtle ways where not even my husband picks up on it at times.  This is one thing I do to create that balance for her. 

It takes a lot of hard work and time to build a balanced blended family but when it happens, it will be one of the most rewarding and strengthening experiences you can ever have. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Divorce, Child Support and Equally Taking Care of Children

Last week I was perusing some of my favorite blogs when I ran into a post on ex-wives and child support payments. An ex-wife was really upset because she felt as if her ex-husband was neglecting his four children in order to give his second wife the finer things in life. Below is an excerpt from her letter on www.glennsacks.com.

“I think as a ex-wife I can say that men want the cake and bring a jug of milk, too! I have 4 children, and my ex is still with the woman he left us for. I can say that this slut woman comes before his children. Am I upset? Damn right. I could care less who he puts in his bed, but do I care if my children have what they should have or need. He takes his bitch on trips, and is never there for the kids. Oh, and this woman came to my baby shower for my last son, to let me know my ex was with her. As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.

“The facts show that a child’s living standard goes down by 48% [after divorce]. That is a lot, but the men don’t have to look the kids in the eye and see the hurt when you tell them they can’t have something or play a sport because you can’t afford it. Just so long as daddy is happy! Man up and do right by your kids, even if you didn’t by your ex.

I took some time to really think about the reader’s letter and  the subsequent comments from other readers who weren’t too pleased with her perspective. I have mixed feelings about what she said. What I don’t understand is why she is so upset with the second wife. Why do women so quickly turn on each other? Her ex-husband is the one who left her for this woman, and I’m certain that he didn’t do it at gun point. If he is choosing to take his second wife on trips instead of paying child support, then why are you upset with her? Your ex-husband has a responsibility to his children and you have no child support agreement with her. It’s not her fault so don’t displace your anger. Now, I can understand a woman being disappointed and questioning the second wife’s moral character for choosing a man who doesn’t or barely takes care of his children. But, I don’t understand being upset to the point where you are calling her sluts or bitches; that’s uncalled for, in my opinion.

I know some women will disagree with me saying that it IS the other woman’s responsibility to NOT date a married man, but it is my belief that the man you took vows with bears most of the responsibility for protecting your marriage. Either she may not have even known about you, or you don’t know what he has told her about your marriage.

Readers were outraged with what she had to say regarding the child support issue, and this is what I took the most time to ponder.  I wanted to be certain as to how I felt about the issue prior to writing. Below is what some of the readers had to say:

1. This women obviously doesn’t understand the fact that the NCP’s child support payment are not supposed to COVER her costs of raising children. It is his HALF. Everytime I hear a custodial parent complain “he only sends me 10,000/year, how can I raise a kid on that?” I cringe. The custodial parent is supposed to contribute the same amount in proportion to her income. You are now divorced. You have to get a job and work. Your husband has another household to run, he is paying his share for the kids and that is ALL! (and the CS formulations are way too high to begin with, NO kid costs what the tables say, but you will NEVER hear a custodial parent say that, no matter how much the NCP sends, it is NEVER enough for them).

2.  As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.’ bull…woman who know how to use (yes, abuse) the system get what they deserve based on MATH, not what she bitterly laments later as insufficient ‘to cover basic needs’. WAKE UP MOTHER! You have the kids so YOU have to pay for shelter for YOU. Your kids money is for THEIR FOOD and THEIR CLOTHS, PERIOD.If your respective financial conditions changed to warrent you ‘deserving’ more, it’s YOUR option to take it back to support court. In lieu of that, it’s YOUR responsibility to better budget your money. Buy cheaper food, buy cheaper cloths, and DON’T spend it elsewhere.While, if it’s true that your husband left you, know that betrayal works both ways to dear one. How about losing the home that your income alone bought, to your ex spouse after she took up with a boy 12 years her junior next door? Don’t cry about it, do something about it, or quit your bitchin.!

As an ex, the more I thought it about it, the angrier I got! Why is it that men always want to talk about their HALF only when it comes to their financial responsibility? If by your own assertion we are supposed to EQUALLY (that’s what HALF means, right?) take care of the child, then why are your mouths closed when it comes to doing your HALF in the areas of emotional and physical support as well? And, before you start talking about your little every other weekend or summer (for those of you who live out of state or the country) visitation, let me assure you that that doesn’t equate to HALF; it’s only about an eight of what we full-time parents do.

My husband and his ex-wife used to (prior to her preventing him from doing so, due to my arrival) equally care for their son after their divorce. My husband kept him for nearly 8 months out of the year and she had him for the remainder of the year. They also shared the financial responsibility for him, even though my husband physically had him more. Fellas, this is called HALF; more than HALF supporting your child.

So the next time you go screaming to your ex-wife about your HALF, be sure to check yourself to be certain that you’re doing your HALF in all of the other areas as well. If you want to continually question your ex-wife about how she budgets or mismanages money, be prepared to answer similar questions regarding how you mismanage your TIME!

Encouraging Sibling Relationships in the Blended Family

I’ve talked a lot about my father’s side of the family (his brothers and sisters) and how blended their individual families are. Many have been married 2 or 3 times and are fathers, stepfathers, mothers and stepmothers. As such, I’ve grown up in a family where biological connections just aren’t important. So much so that we forget who is and isn’t biologically connected; they’re just family.  I truly believe it’s because of the way we were taught to view the family dynamic. We NEVER attach the word step! It just seems pointless to us and it inadvertently lends to some sort of hiearchal rank in our family. It’s as if that person isn’t really our family and should be treated as such, if you attach that prefix. For example, when one of my uncles remarried and became a stepfather to 3 children, those children were never introduced as my aunt’s kids. They were simply introduced as my new little cousins. And, those children, my aunt’s and uncle’s respective children and their child together, were encouraged (not pressured) to form a bond based on friendship and love. Today, those kids are the best of friends and have a brotherly/sisterly love that is just as strong as siblings who share a biological connection. In my own blended family we have tried to teach those same principles to our two children. It definitely didn’t happen instantly and rarely does in any blended family, but over time they have definitely developed a lasting bond that can only be compared to brothers.

What I don’t understand are those who continually discourage or deny such bonds out of bitterness or spite. After all, in the future our kids will be grown and the bitterness that the adults continually stew over won’t matter. All that will matter is them and their relationship! Not to mention, how can you teach a child that a relationship that has developed over nearly a decade isn’t important?? It seems so cynical and rather inhumane to do so. What is that teaching him about committment, relationships and a having a general regard for people?  John 15:17 says, “These things I command you, that ye love one another.” This is the foundation that we teach our children. It doesn’t matter what biological connection we share or don’t share. Our connection is based on love, support, encouragement, kindness, respect and friendship; and this is what makes us family.

Now, I am a realist and am fully aware that bonds between siblings within the blended family will never be automatic and for some families, impossible. Usually, adolescents and older children have a difficult time adjusting and by the time they do adjust, it’s time for either them or their sibling to leave home. This just doesn’t leave enough time for significant bonding and what I am sure of is that significant bonding between blended siblings definitely takes time. As such, there is a greater potential for younger children to develop such bonds simply due to the number of years they are together. It is extremely difficult not to bond with someone that you’ve grown up with. Whether that person is biologically connected or not, you will likely view him or her as your brother or sister.

A huge part of putting our children first is keeping their future in mind. The reality is that whatever you feel for your ex-spouse or you current spouse’s ex-spouse won’t matter. At some point, all our children will have is each other and it is doing them great disservice to discourage bonds that might benefit them in the future. I encourge you to put your differences aside and encourage your children (half, whole or step) to love, support and rely on each other, even if you can’t. Their connection is and will forever be far more important than your bitterness.

Maintaining Everlasting Bonds by Kela Price

It’s no secret that divorce, remarriage, and re-coupling; especially when there are children involved, can be hard on the entire family – ex-spouses, children, new spouses and the in-laws and other extended family members. People don’t realize or even consider the feelings of ex-brother and sister-in-laws, ex-mother and father-in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins…It is difficult, and for some, impossible to let go of bonds that were established during years of matrimony. As a matter of fact, is it fair to ask this of our extended family members?

My ex and I were together for nearly six years and he spent plenty time with my family. He was there for holidays, birthdays, family reunions and so much more. He hung out with my brother, watched sports with my father and was there to emotionally support my family and I when my father was terminally ill. He was more than just a boyfriend and eventually the father of my child. He was truly a member of our family. So, as you can imagine, it was difficult for my family to just break all ties; which is what was initially best.

As I’ve stated in earlier post, it’s so harmful to try and throw everyone together if there are unresolved feelings, emotions and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife. It takes time to get to the point when you all can gather together in the name of family. Certainly, if you want to gouge your ex-wife’s eyes out or secretly pray that your ex-husband is run over by a freight train, it’s probably not a good idea for you to attend extended family gatherings together. And, if this is the case, your extended family should respect your need to heal as well as your current spouse’s need for time to adjust. As such, in-laws, if you must continue a relationship with the ex, do so on your own time. Don’t force everyone to attend gatherings until all involved parties are ready to do so. Remember, your loyalty should lie with your child AND his or her current spouse. Pushing the idea too prematurely often does more harm than good.

Side Note: Often times the adults want to use the children as an excuse for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. “But little Billy wants me there.” Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have nothing to do with the child. You know that little Billy NEVER benefits from having his whole family together, if they are at each other’s throats. Children pick up and are gravely affected by obvious tension.

In my case, it took years before my ex could stop by my mom’s house (that’s where my brother, his wife, my husband and our kids usually gather for Sunday dinner) for a visit. For years, my family asked about him and missed him, but respected my current husband and I enough not to push. This summer, however, my ex stopped by just to drop something off, but decided to sit and chat for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that awkward. He hugged my mom, talked to my brother, played with the children…After nearly 8 years of working on co-parenting and adjusting to our new lives, we’ve finally buried those hatchets, resolved old feelings and can concentrate on being better parents and even friends. Additionally, my husband and his wife are secure in our respective marriages and are comfortable with our ex-spouses. More importantly, we all share a mutual respect for each other and know the appropriate boundaries that must not be crossed. All of these factors must be present prior to participating in immediate or extended family gatherings.

The famous Simmons family is a perfect example of how to successfully blend an extended family. This picture was taken from Essence Magazine in an issue where they showcased their favorite blended families.

Children, ex-spouses and in-laws have to lose so much after a divorce; property, money, homes, relationships, etc., but family shouldn’t be one of those things. Although biological ties are the main reason that blended families are thrown together; it shouldn’t be an essential requirement for being a family. I’m fully aware that evolving past any bitterness and hurt and resolving old feelings is crucial prior to challenging the traditional notion of family. But, don’t allow that bitterness and hurt or unrealistic expectations to prevent healthy bonding within the blended family. Allowing this bonding to occur confirms our reality as blended families and that is, that all of the members of the extended blended family are family. We are all there or at least we should be, for the same purpose; to raise healthy, well-adjusted, well-rounded compassionate citizens of this world. At some point, that must take precedence over our past unresolved feelings and hurt. When you embrace this notion, children are no longer held hostage by the pain of having to choose, but instead, they are free to just love. More importantly, they only benefit from the true experience of having several parents to love and be loved by, along with additional family members with whom they can establish everlasting bonds.