A Response to Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Letter to a Friend

February 21, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I have always adored Jada Pinkett-Smith and the entire Smith Clan. They exude love, creativity and a profound sense of self-love and acceptance. Their approach to life and family is inspiring. That being said, I don’t agree with Jada’s response to a stepmom friend of hers and it is something that we must critically avoid doing. Below is her letter to a friend and after that is my response.

Jada: “A letter to a friend: Blended families are NEVER easy, but here’s why I don’t have a lot of sympathy for your situation because… we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package…Period! If I didn’t want that…I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey…I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him…his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other… but we have learned to LOVE each other.

I can’t support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can’t say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT’S selfishness…NOT love. WOMAN UP… I’ve been there…I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It’s time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are. J” Source: Uptown Magazine

TMF: I love these kind of stories but I must caution people that this isn’t everybody’s truth! While I admire Jada’s response, she’s leaving a lot out. For example, it not only took her to release those insecurities and ego trips for it to work but it took Sheree to do the same. It will not work the way they are describing unless both women put aside their differences and put in the effort. Too often stepmoms and second wives are seen as temporary or disposable and you can’t build a long-term relationship like they have if you continually assume that the stepmother is only going to be there short-term.

Their family is one reality but it certainly isn’t everyone’s and we (stepfamilies) need to stop criticizing other stepfamilies and stepmoms based on our reality. It’s the reason many of my stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants!! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the sharing of experiences that leads to this; it’s sharing your experience and then preaching that if you have not achieved “best friend with the ex-wife” or” love the ex-wife” status in your stepfamily, then you have somehow failed altogether. This is not true. We [Today's Modern Family] offer advice and support based on your reality because we must stop assuming that there is a one size fits all approach to making a stepfamily work. There just isn’t!

 

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Love Is Not a Ball and Chain

February 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

These days, why are we so bound by what society expects a traditional marriage to be?  Why do we get so consumed by the “fairytale” that is spun on by the media and television that we think it’s unnatural to want our own individuality outside of our relationship? Then, when we naturally vary from the traditional path, we are viewed as “selfish and not caring.” Unfortunately, more often than not, we allow that pressure to affect good qualities we share with one another.

For example, let’s just say that you and your spouse like to take a separate trip every now and again with a good girlfriend and your husband has no problem with it.  However, you might have a couple girlfriends who think that is absolutely insane and they let you know it. They would never let their husbands go on a “guys-only” trip without them so why should they?  Or, you parents might think that this type of agreement is only setting your marriage up for trouble.  Phooey!  TMF Readers, love is not a ball and chain.  Because we have a marriage certificate in our hands doesn’t mean that our marriage defines our whole existence as an individual.  Yes, we are spouses but we are also parents, friends, daughters and sons, siblings and most importantly individuals.  Now, I am not suggesting by any means that we put our marriages on the back-burner for any of the above, it must be our most important relationship, but we can still find the balance between being an individual and being married.  Suffocating our marriages is just as unhealthy as not prioritizing it.  Never allowing your spouse a little freedom to explore their individuality can stifle your relationship in more ways than one.  Remember the old saying…”absence makes the heart grow fonder?”  Totally true. 

“It’s not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that usually ends up making your marriage feel like you are carrying a ball and chain.”

You might ask what is the key to understanding that it’s okay to have individuality in your marriage?  The answer is simple.  Friendship and trust.  When you have an undivided trusting friendship with your spouse, you are unconditionally open to accepting him or her, their ideas, their dreams and yes, even their need for space at times whether that space be emotional, working, creative, fun, etc. That space could be just as simple as an every day walk alone or going to the gym.  Just simple “me” time.  Let’s be real here, all people yearn for time for themselves.  It’s just reality.  More than likely, you and your spouse encouraged this before marriage, but after marriage all that same reasoning goes out the door with the trash!  More often than not, we each still possess all of the qualities we always had, we have just chosen to view it differently because we have the title of wife or husband.  If your spouse was a free-spirit before you married him or her, why would you want them to be someone new to you after marriage?  Part of the challenge is that we must constantly take ourselves back to that state of “When Harry Met Sally” and remember why we fell in love.  We have to refocus on the fact that if we cannot change our spouse’s basic character.  Why would we want to?  It’s what makes them who they are.  It’s what attracted you to them in the beginning.  It’s what makes you want to love them even more.  Listen, accepting and encouraging your own individuality in your marriage is perfectly normal and okay.  It doesn’t diminish your love and asking for a little space every now and then doesn’t mean you are not committed to your spouse and to your relationship.

Benefits to having space:

  • Time for reconnection and self-reflection.
  • Time to clear your thoughts and hear yourself think.
  • Time to energize your inner batteries.
  • Time to truly appreciate and “miss” your spouse.

TMF Readers, don’t stunt your relationship growth based on another person’s belief system.  Just like your marriage needs alone time, without the children, at times, your marriage also needs individuality.  It’s that separate individuality that brings your marriage full-circle.  Accepting, wanting and, yes, even needing space from your marriage is okay and it doesn’t mean that it is drowning.  Don’t wait on expressing your individuality until it’s too late and you get stuck dragging that ball and chain.  Communicating with your life partner and being honest goes a long way and will only bring the two of you closer together and make your bond stronger.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Co-Parenting Celebs!

November 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

With all the split-ups and divorces we see splashed as breaking news across our televisions stations and while most exes in Hollywood cant seem to stop attacking one another, it is so nice to hear when those who can actually put aside all the glitz, glamour and definitely drama to dedicate themselves to effective co-parenting.  Earlier this year we posted about the divorce between Peter Facinelli and Jenny Garth (insert sad face here as I was completely bummed about this divorce) but it is so nice to see that they are making it a point to co-parent without all the drama.

According to Yahoo.com’s OMG site today, that even though their split is still pretty recent, they both were on the sidelines at their 6-year old daughter Fiona’s soccer game over the weekend in Los Angeles and made time to talk to one another.  Facinelli told People Magazine earlier this year that “co-parenting takes two great parents to put their differences aside and focus on the children and that’s what I’ve been doing.“  Garth also made mention that even though the she and Peter are no longer together, “they are great parents together.”

According to OMG, surprisingly, they weren’t the only celeb exes spotted hanging on the sidelines of a soccer field! Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, whose divorce was finalized in 2008, watched their 9-year-old son Deacon dribble his heart out at his game in Brentwood over the weekend. While Witherspoon, 36, once called her divorce “very traumatic,” there’s obviously been a lot of water under the bridge since then. Perhaps helping bring the exes together is Witherspoon’s new husband, talent agent Jim Toth, who appeared to get along well with Phillippe, 38, greeting him right away with a handshake. Phillippe stood next to Toth throughout the game with the whole group smiling, laughing, and clearly able to put the past behind them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Merging Values for Successful Stepparenting

October 15, 2012 By

It is well known that while living in a stepfamily, you will experience unique challenges.  Expecting that your blended family will work like a biological/first family is like navigating a canoe during a hurricane.  With that being said, most stepparents get so caught up in the problems they are experiencing that they fail to seek out resolutions.  In turn, this causes the stepparent to feel as if they have failed which often sends them into feeling hopeless, and even worse, depression.

Failed expectations can make merging values non-existent.  One of the first mistakes we make as spouses in a remarriage is that we go into our marriage trying to fix mistakes made in our prior marriage sometimes even hoping that we will find all of the answers so that we don’t fall trap to them the second time around.  This expectation is the first step in a slew of unrealistic expectations that play a role in the 75% divorce rate in remarriages.

In my opinion, one of the most important lessons we have to learn before we go into a remarriage is that we have to “work on ourselves” first.  We have to care about our own hearts.  For example, speaking from the stepmother’s perspective, we tend to put too much stock into how much our stepchildren love or care about us.  That particular expectation is usually set from the beginning by us and by our spouses.  However, when you put it all in perspective, how can you truly open up and and let your love flow for others if you are constantly worrying about what you aren’t doing right.  We have to work on ourselves ahead of merging values with someone else.  Maintaining your boundaries and living in a better version of yourself will allow you to understand that “love” is not a requirement.  If “love” is going to form, it rarely forms in the beginning.  Love is built. 

How do you maintain healthy expectations when merging values you might ask?  Begin with the following:

  • Your stepfamily did not form on the pages of a pre-written manuscript.  The Brady Bunch was a made for television production. You cannot build your stepfamily around that fantasy.
  • Before you entered into the stepfamily environment, you essentially had been seeing it from an outside position. The waters may be calm at first, but I guarantee you things will never be as perfect as you think they are.  Be open to understanding that you don’t have to impress everyone in order to validate yourself.  That is not your job nor is it healthy for you as a stepparent.
  • Every family, whether bio or step, has some sort of issue. Don’t blame all of your problems on your stepfamily. Evaluate each issue for what it truly is, don’t shove it under the rug, and find the solution. One of the best ways to kill a stepfamily is to expect that if the little problems are ignored and swept under the rug , they will just go away.  NOT!  Rejection, angst, resentment and discord will be your end result if you expect that the little issues will resolve themselves. 
  • As parents of our biological children, it is normal and healthy to have high expectations.  As stepparents, we need to realize that we have to lower our expectations a bit.  That’s a hard pill to swallow at times, but this family was formed, not biologically created.  Your stepchildren may have been raised totally different from the way you and your ex-spouse raised your children.  You and your spouse more than likely came from two different backgrounds and may not have been raised with the same values — it will always be a work in process.  Lower your expectations.

Having shared values is what defines any family, including stepfamilies.  Building and merging values includes stocking up on plenty of communication, respect, love and commitment between the two most important people, the leaders, you and your spouse.  Of course, everyone in the stepfamily has an important role, but as the team captains, you are specifically responsible for maintaining your family unit.  The first way to merge your values is to recognize that your partnership is the most important link.  If there is any form of resistance in your stepfamily, what you and your spouse decide to focus on and to show all of the children in the family about the sturdiness of your marriage is what they will either lean against to conform and merge, or what they will use to try to tear it down during times of weakness.  Remember, all stepfamilies are formed out of some sort of loss and it is usually the children who have suffered the hardest.  Teaching them through the pain is crucial.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

 

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Fireproof Your (Re)Marriage!

September 4, 2012 By

Has the fire in your (re)marriage burnt out or headed in that direction?  Let’s face it, the statistics are staggering.  According the to latest survey taken by the U.S. Census Bureau, the divorce rates in the United States for first marriages is currently between 40-50% with the median length of marriage being 11 years.  For remarriages, that number increases dramatically to between 67-75%.  What’s even more stunning is one-half of all remarriages end in divorce after just three years.  Whew…now as disconcerting as those figures are, this is why we here at Today’s Modern Family do what we do.  We are dedicated to helping remarried couples avoid some of the pitfalls that unfortunately naturally accompany remarriage.

In preparing for this post, I took a small poll from several people that I know that live in blended families and I asked them what each of them thought was the top issue that causes problems within the remarriage.  Drum roll please…..expectations and integrating parenting styles was the number one issue.  The second most popular issue was the problem with putting the remarriage first before the children.  With that being said, I would say, in my professional opinion, the latter is the most important issue that has to be resolved in order to have a successful remarriage.  When the remarriage is put first in the lives of the life partners, it’s much easier to incorporate things like parenting styles, expectations and discipline.  It is widely known that if you allow your remarriage to become a prisoner to negative influences, it will tear your marriage apart.  Unfortunately, at times, those negative influences can be our children.  Now, I understand that some of those reading this post will be sent off the roof with that statement and say to yourselves…”what in the hell is this lady talking about?”  But, what you have to remember is that marriage is the foundation of family, not your children.  If the foundation of your marriage cracks, everything else cracks with it.  Of course, I have to put the caveat in here that I am not speaking about any situation that involves abuse in any manner, I am generally speaking about what would otherwise be normal circumstances involving the stepfamily environment and you or your spouse’s children driving a constant wedge between you (other stressors can take many forms).   When this happens, it causes one or the other partner in the marriage to feel controlled, restricted, belittled, disrespected and deprived, with deprived being the most important word.  In every successful remarriage that I have dealt with, when the feelings, opinions and heart of each spouse is put on the top of their partners priority list, the marriage exudes confidence, love, respect and trust.  When remarriage lacks priority, it is essentially deprived.  When the remarriage is deprived, the trickle-down effect begins and the whole blended family heads on a path of disaster.

If you are wondering about the title of this post “Fireproof  Your (Re)Marriage,” yes, you are correct.  I obtained the idea for this post from the movie Fireproof Your Marriage starring Kirk Cameron.  I was so incredibly moved by the movie that I began to ask myself the question, how can I apply this to remarriage.  Well, the answers to that was the same premise that Kela and I have been teaching our clients for years.  You have to treat your remarriage as if it is a first marriage.  In a first marriage, 9 times out of 10, parents stand united with one another by nature.  This does not occur naturally in stepfamilies.

One of my favorite sayings is that a garden that is not watered produces no harvest.  A flower that is not watered withers and dies.  A remarriage that is not put first on the priority list ends up deprived and suffocated.  Debunk the myth that focusing on your marriage means you are neglecting  your children.  Your children will not just be more well-rounded if you make your remarriage a priority, they will benefit greatly from it.  They learn what it means to be committed, to have trust and respect in a relationship and they actually see what love really looks like.

Fireproofing your remarriage begins with priority!  Make your remarriage your first priority and I promise you all else will fall in it’s proper place.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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Fear, Family and Fortitude

September 2, 2012 By

“Fortitude:  Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage”

Well, TMF Readers, I’m finally back into the swing of things.  Recently, I have had to take care of some family issues that required my full attention.  I am writing this post in honor of some of the lessons I have learned over the past month and a half and I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.

A month and a half ago, my mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer.  Daily life since that date has been a whirlwind to say the least with tests, tests and more tests along with surgery and soon-to-come radiation.  With all that being said, it’s no secret that I have written many times in several different posts about sharing the fact that I suffer from anxiety and as you can imagine, this situation threw me into full-blown anxiety mode.   My anxiety is a constant work in progress for me and stems from some traumatic events that I experienced over the years.  One of the reasons Kela’s upcoming project The Joyful Mind Project is so important to me is because addressing fear and having a strength of mind is so important in overcoming any fear or adversity and I am excited to be a part of something so powerful and excited for our readers to be able to experience same as well.

One of my main objectives in my own personal journey is recognizing that I have the right and should have the audacity to align my actions and words with my goals and to be more brave about it.  The example of my mom’s breast cancer above is an example of how one life event can throw you for such a loop that  you decide to allow it to stop you from jumping those hurdles and getting to the outcomes that you are reaching for (key word…decide).  That is essentially allowing fear to guide your footsteps and when the fear includes your family, it becomes even more intense.

What I have learned about fortitude during this time has been nothing less than what I have had all along.  As I stated above, I just needed the audacity to align it up with my words and my actions.  A few steps that I have taken to get me through this time were so helpful to me and I would like to pass them on to you:

  1. Negative v. Positive.  In order to move forward toward fortitude is to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  When we first got word about my mom, I went straight into anxiety mode.  As is probably normal, my mind began to gallivant all around the neighborhood but lucky for me, Kela came to my rescue and help me really to put my thoughts and feelings into perspective.  Sometimes all we need is for someone from the outside looking in to help us see things more clearly.
  2. Journal Your Thoughts.  One of the ways I overcome my anxieties and fears is to write down my thoughts.  If I am not clear with myself when I am feeling a little fearful, it is hard for me to get motivated to do anything, even if it is something I love.   Why is it so powerful to become clear in your thoughts you might ask?  The answer is simple.  If you are constantly contemplating how negative your life at that moment can be, the longer you will stay stuck in that negativity.  Being able to actually see on paper what you are actually feeling allows you to have something tangible to use to begin turning negatives into positives and park some of those fears and move others in order to move forward.
  3. Acceptance.  Love yourself and fortitude will always be a part of who you are.
  4. Allowance.  Give yourself permission to not allow your fear and/or anxiety to run your thoughts, attitudes and perceptions.
  5. Open to Change.  Decide what changes need to be made in order for you to align your actions with your goals and as Michael Jackson says….Make That Change!

TMF Readers, fear is a roadblock.  If you allow it to take over your life, it will stifle you.  It will subtly control you and how you approach your life.  It is easy to fall into this trap when our loved ones are sick, someone dies, we lose a job, our blended family lives are taxing, financial issues or just plain stress.  It is at this time that we must reach deep and grab that fortitude that we have been blessed with and move toward peace.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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The Art of Compromise

June 26, 2012 By

Is your spouse the kind of person that loves to hear him/herself talk?  Does it always seem like the end to an argument proves to be at your expense because there is never compromise?  I am of the opinion that compromise is the single most important tool that all couples should have in their remarriage toolbox.

Partners in remarriage often struggle in the area of compromise because they are under the false impression going into same that “first comes love – then comes remarriage – then comes happily ever after,” hence they forget that you are not just blending your families, you are merging your values.  It is very hard to merge values without compromise. Think about it, when you blend families, unfair burdens are placed on stepparents and stepkids from the very beginning.  Everyone is expected to get along, birthparents assume you are going to love your stepkids and that your stepkids are going to love you and there you have the first of many misunderstandings wherein you will need to be able to apply your abilities to compromise.

The first step to positive compromise is healthy communication.  Life partners often forget when going through tough times that communication begins and ends with “both” the sender and the receiver.  Just as it takes two to tango in an argument, it takes two to compromise, hear one another and fix it.  When we are not applying compromise to our positions during conversational communication, the receiver never truly understands the message you are trying to send.  Kela and I have said over and over and it is worth repeating now, every human being desires to be heard.  They want to know that their opinion matters.  Emphatic listening to your spouse will take you far in being able to effectively compromise.  Keeping an open mind and being open to hearing their side of the conflict matters greatly.  It is selfish to shut out your spouses thoughts and feelings just because you want to only get your point across.  It never works.

It’s no secret, couples who compromise thrive.  The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve an unbreakable bond and closeness that cannot compare to anything else.  If you desire this type of unbreakable bond, compromise is not just needed, it is essential.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Appreciate that both you and your spouse have been raised differently.  You are not going to always find that you agree on the same things (i.e., parenting styles, finance situations, emotional needs, etc.)
  • Respect each other’s views and opinions.
  • Kick “pride” to the curb!  Marriage is not a contest and compromise should not be looked upon as weakness.  It is actually one of the strongest tools you have in your (re)marriage toolbox.
  • Give and take.  Marriage is not unilateral and does not thrive with only one person doing all of the taking and the other doing all of the giving.  You have to always have your spouses best interests in mind and at heart.
  • Take a keen interest in your spouses feelings.  This will help you when  you have to apply compromise.  Know their values so you can effectively merge yours into his/hers.
  • Be aware and work hard to come to mutual understandings.  By doing this, you are teaching each other to be conscious of what your relationship means to one another.
  • Pay attention to your language and your tone.  I cannot stress enough the importance of “hearing yourself.”  How we say things really matters.  It is tough when you are going through stress to be mindful of this but it really does matter.  Remember, your message never gets across if your approach stinks.
  • Always examine the pros and the cons of the situation before approaching your spouse.  This way, you are not heading into your communication with just negative cards in your pocket.

I will leave you with this one final thought.  In the beginning of every relationship, each person always puts their best foot forward.  Your passionate stage is in full effect and we are always on our best behavior.  We want these feelings to last forever and will do whatever it takes.  A lot of times, after marriage, we tend to forget that the timbers in our fires need to continually be tended to in order to keep the fire burning.  Learning the art of compromise allows this closeness to continue and allows both you and your partner to meet one another’s needs together as a couple.  At the end of the day, it will always return to you balance and joy if you apply it effectively.  Care about your spouses heart and always attempt to apply compromise when faced with tough situations.  It will be well worth your effort.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Noreen Lambert’s Blended Family Kitchen

March 12, 2012 By

As the holidays were upon me last year, I began perusing the internet for some good edible gift ideas and came across my new favorite YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen!  Noreen had me at “hello” when I was able to recreate her fabulous coconut and brownie macaroons and I got rave reviews from my coworkers.  Over time, I found out that Noreen also lives in a blended family.  She, her husband Rick and her two daughters make it work!  I was intrigued by how all members of the family join Noreen in the kitchen, which I also feel is so important in bond building with families.  The kitchen being the center of the family, Noreen has it down pat!  With that, I had to interview Noreen.  TMF Readers, I hope you enjoy my interview with Noreen Lambert as much as I enjoyed chatting with her.  Not only do I now have a new cooking mentor, I’ve made a new friend in the process.

Diane:  Noreen, let me begin by saying that I am so excited to have this conversation with you.  I have been a big fan of your YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen, for some time now and thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

 Noreen:  Oh thank you Diane, I am extremely flattered that you would have me here.

 Diane:  Your YouTube channel is a fabulous outlet for women like me who aren’t experts in the kitchen but love to cook.  What inspired you to cook for an audience?

 Noreen:  I don’t have a great answer to that question, except that I wanted to do it.  I’ve been into making videos for the past 3 years now but before that I was just a viewer.  One night, I thought I would make a dinner.  At first, I wasn’t great at editing, I had to learn the learning curve, actually learned an awful lot.  I wanted people to come into my kitchen and feel like they are sitting at my kitchen table.

 Diane:   Growing up in a blended family and having a blended family currently, what is your perception of how a blended family should operate? 

 Noreen:  I think that I have two different ideas.  My father died when I was 10.  My mom remarried soon thereafter. My stepdad was my father’s very good friend.  However, I was daddy’s little girl, so the loss was very devastating for me.  I will admit, I was not easy to live with and I probably didn’t really accept him as my stepfather.  I didn’t disrespect him but I had a hatred for him until my early 20’s.  My family works because it works for us.  Everyone is different.  When I was growing up we didn’t have “blended family” we were told and were expected to be “just family.” 

Diane:   What do you think caused you to feel hatred?

Noreen:  Because he was replacing my father.  We, my brother and I had always known him as “Uncle Paul” and as soon as my mom and Paul came home from their honeymoon, I was told that  he was no longer to be called “Uncle Paul,” but either “Paul or Daddy.”  A giant paradigm shifted in my life.  If I call him Paul, I will upset my mom and if I call him dad, I am being disloyal to my  deceased father.  That was a lot of pressure.  Of course, every family has issues that have to be dealt with in one way or another, but sometimes its easier to brush them under the rug and hide them which only causes more pain.  I have a brother 5 years younger and he didn’t know we had a blended family because the “step” part of it was all he knew.  I, of course, had a different experience as I knew my father well, I was ten.  I was his little girl.  My brother had horrible guilt that he never knew our father.  As parents we all make mistakes and we can’t fix them but grow through them.  I never got permanent closure from losing my dad.  We just had to grow thru it. 

Diane:  How do you think these experiences have affected your parenting?

Noreen:  As a mother now, I am painfully honest with my children.  When I separated from their father, they were 2 and 4.  18 months later, Rick and I met and we finally married 3 years ago.  Rick has a daughter in Vegas and she dislikes me.  I know what she is going through as I went through the same situation.  She doesn’t accept me in that respect.  She is 14.  I never would have guessed that my stepdad would be a fabulous dad now but I got really lucky.  Every family has their dysfunction.  My kids accept Rick as their dad.    

 Diane:  Do you find that your belief system is a lot different than that of your parents when you were being raised in a stepfamily?  Is there anything you purposely do different?

 Noreen:   Very much so.  I do a lot of things different from my mom.  My mom is very “everything has to be planned.”  That doesn’t work for me.  Growing up, we had a living room that no one sat in, a dining room that no one ate in.  I am totally different.  We have to live for today and I want my kids to grab life by the “balls” and that they should try everything and realize that there is nothing in life that they can’t do whether they live in a blended family or not.   You have to pick your battles.

Diane:  What lessons did you take from your personal childhood experience that you may or may not want to bring into your current experience?

Noreen:  We are a team.   Our family growing up wasn’t a team.  Parents were parents and kids were kids.  In my house we play on the same team. 

Diane:  A lot of times, stepmoms feel the need to overcompensate or to be the “fixer of all things” for their husbands, stepchildren, children, etc.  What advice would you give people who are suffering from what I call “super stepmom syndrome?”

Noreen:  Its funny you should ask this.  I always feel guilty if I don’t make something better.  Being a woman in general we feel obligated that we have to make everyone happy all the time.  Society in general makes us feel this way.  When I am cooking on the videos, I always say “it doesn’t have to be perfect.”  I am by far not perfect but I think that the most important advice I can give is to “forgive yourself.”  Be easy on yourself.  We can only fix what we can fix.  I spent a lot of my life worrying about what I couldn’t fix.  The sun still comes tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.

Diane:  Those statements are extremely powerful and so true.  You speak my language Noreen.   As a stepmom, what do you think is the most important lesson you have learned through this journey?

Noreen:  That you just have to let things be.  She doesn’t have to like me.  It has to be organic.  You cannot put a seed in the ground and do nothing to it and expect it to produce a fruit.  You just can’t.  You have to let it happen naturally.  The bottom line is the seed gives me a guarantee that if I water it and take care of it, it is going to give me something back.  But you have to nurture it and feed it and work at it.  You don’t just have a relationship; you have to work at it.   People automatically think that just because their children, they don’t have to work at it.  They are still people.  Everyone has to work at relationships.  People discount children because they are children.  They have feelings. 

Diane:  You and Rick make a great team on camera as I am sure you do in your married life.  What impact has Rick had on your girls? 

Noreen:   He is very patient and very accepting.  Having been in the military for so long he knows how to delegate.  He never expected anything from them which goes back to that organic relationship.  It has grown from there.  Their relationship was never forced, it always happened on the kids terms and they were able to build trust in him.  How I was raised is “we are going to be a family whether you like it or not.”  That doesn’t work. 

Diane:  One thing I notice about you and Rick is that he is very involved in helping you with your YouTube channel (i.e., filming, commenting and even cooking from time to time).  I think it is wonderful that the two of you exhibit your “love and support” of one another the way you do. You laugh together and you make us laugh.  It’s very important in remarriage and in any relationship to nurture it.  Do you agree?

Noreen:   If I can be humorous,I think the greatest way to learn about how to have a good marriage is to screw one up!  My first marriage didn’t break up just because of my husband, we both played a role.  Nurturing your marriage is the most important lesson I can give people.  The first time around, it was very important for me to be right and for him to be right and now it doesn’t matter who’s right.  Your reward for hard work in your marriage is the reward of your good relationship. 

Diane:  To keep in line with tradition, I ask all of my interviewee’s this question.  What do you do for fun?

Noreen:   Go to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, Virginia.  I also craft.  I love crafting.  Another past time, is that I love to play on the Wii.  I am also a movie and trivia junkie. 

Diane:  Noreen, it has been a real pleasure interviewing you and thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world.  We are doing our best to serve blended families and we love to acknowledge great, successful blended families when we get the chance!  Thank you for stopping by and letting me pick your brain not just on the issue of stepfamilies, but with regard to my favorite pastime – cooking and baking.

Noreen:  You’re so very welcome Diane.  I very much enjoyed our time together and thank you for having me.

 

Noreen Lambert is a wife, mom, stepmom and homemaker who loves to cook.  You can find Noreen’s channel on YouTube with the tag name of atticus9799 and at www.noreenskitchen.com. 

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Stepparenting: From Challenge to Success

January 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

As I always say, marriage is tough but remarriage is tougher….well, let’s face it then, parenting is hard but stepparenting is probably one of the toughest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime.

There are no prerequisite courses you can take to prepare for your journey and there are no instruction manuals that come along with it, however, there are some steps that you can take in order to help you through it.  Regardless of all horror stories you hear and all of the stereotypical fairy tales about stepparents, you can have  successful relationships in your stepfamily life.

As parents of our biological children, it is my belief that we do our best in bringing them up, we trust our instincts and do what we think is best for them.  As stepparents, we tend to second guess our instincts at times.  Of course most of us want to do what is best for our stepchildren but we tend to second guess in order to avoid confrontation instead of just being ourselves.  If you are struggling, I offer you some of the following tips to help you navigate to a successful relationships within your stepfamily unit.

1.  Protect Your Marriage.  The number one tip I can give you is to decide and make a choice that your marriage will always come first.  If the ex-wife calls your phone regularly in the middle of the night to discuss the problems with her plumbing or she just wants to talk – NIP IT IN THE BUD!  There is an obvious reason you are in a stepfamily and that means you are divorced!  Your new family is based on your new union….protect it!

2.  Communicate.  Allow your children and stepchildren to tell you how they feel without judgment.   Encourage frequent communication and allowing them to have alone time with you and your spouse is very important.  Everyone, even children, want to know that their opinions matter to you.  They want to know that you hear them and that you are open to listening to them.

3.  Empathy.  One of the single most important tips I can give you is to have empathy for the position your stepchildren are in.  All stepfamilies are created out of a loss; keep that in mind when you have rough patches.  Empathy goes a long way.

4.  Maintain Normal Boundaries.  A lot of stepparents get confused in this area.  They feel that they have to overcompensate in order or their stepchild to like or approve of them.  You should always maintain the normal boundaries of an adult/child relationship.  For example, do not try to become your stepchild’s best friend.  You are an extension of their parent not a best friend.  A supporter and ally would be a great description of a stepparent.

  1. 5.  Realistic Expectations.  One of the hardest subjects I have to put across to my coaching clients is that of having realistic expectations.  Parents assume that when they bring a child into a new marriage or relationship that their spouse will immediately fall in love they way they are with their child.  This is a totally unrealistic expectation.  Relationships are built through time and patience.  As I said above, all step relationships exist out of a loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow for a child that has just has his/her world turned upside down.  Don’t rush your relationship.  Build trust.  Do your best to create good experiences and you will build a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, remember that children are the passengers on this flight we call a “stepfamily” and sometimes they will feel like they are literally out of their own airspace.  They were the innocent bystanders through your divorce.  As I stated above, empathy plays a huge role in how we help them to effectively deal with their emotions, feelings and ultimately, their happiness.   Tap into their world, be conscious of their feelings and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.

Stepparents, remember this….your stepchildren may never give you what you want or need in return for your love and sacrifice for them.  Most of the time it’s not until they are an adult that they truly appreciate the role you play in their lives but I would encourage you to be patient, stay flexible, be willing to compromise and accept that your blended family life will never be perfect.  It can however succeed with all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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Marital Stress + Holidays = Disaster!

November 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Ah the holidays!  Tis the season to be jolly or Tis’ the season for a stressful experience?  In speaking with many couples on this particular subject, the one most important thing on everyone’s list during this time is easing the stress that couples face and getting through the most wonderful time of the year without feeling like Ebenezer Scrooge.

For stepfamilies, just the mere thought of the “holidays” can propound feelings of uneasiness, anxiety and depression.  Not only is this the most “argued” time of the year but the most stressful for stepparents as well.  For stepparents with children of their own, feelings of guilt that they feel like they must work their plans around their stepchildren’s schedules, buying extra presents for purposes of equality and making the holiday flow fairly in general so that their spouse is not stressed makes for some seriously resentful holiday pressure.  Let us not forget that this is also the most stressful time of the year for children of divorce.  Tensions and emotions run high because children feel torn and divided during this time and oftentimes it is hard for them to navigate because their feelings of guilt overwhelm them.  It is important that parents and stepparents are cognizant of same and are communicative with their children during this time.

Common disagreements during the holidays can be avoided if properly handled.  Here are a few tips to effectively navigate the holidays with your spouse:

  1. Set monetary limits. Make a list and stick to it.
  2. Be realistic about gift giving.  Remember, you should never feel pressure to make things equal.  The simple reality is that in step situations, things will never be equal and that includes holiday gift giving.
  3. It is always best to default to the court order during the holidays, especially if what once worked for you and your ex-spouse no longer holds the same value.  If there is no court order, I would suggest that one be put in place.  It alleviates all the unnecessary drama that occurs during the holiday season.
  4. Be flexible.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to have flexibility in your positions during the holidays.  Remember, every year will hold something new for you, your children, your stepfamily and your current and ex-spouse.  Everyone needs to be open to making concessions.
  5. Spend alone time with your spouse.  Major problems can be avoided at anytime during your marriage but especially when tensions are high during the holidays when you take time to spend quality time with your spouse. This allows for rejuvenation.

TMF Readers, don’t allow holiday pressure to ruin your quality time with your families.  In stepfamilies, the dynamics are constantly changing.  In fact, change is the law of life in stepfamilies.  Make new traditions with your unique family, don’t sweat the small stuff and lastly, you don’t have to “over-invest.”  Take the holidays one at a time and build your links and bonds with one another.  Always remember, stepfamilies are built over time and just because it’s the holidays and the “happiest time of the year” doesn’t mean you have to fast-forward full speed ahead.  Slow it down, make your own traditions, pay attention to your marriage and have a stress-free holiday season!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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