Brady Bunch Syndrome

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

No One Can Grow In The Shade!

“YOU HAVE GOT TO DISCOVER YOU, WHAT YOU DO, AND TRUST IT!”    BARBARA STREISAND

With divorce comes a vast variety of emotions.  Unbeknownst to many of us, our lives have been shaken to it’s core and we are totally unprepared for the challenges that come along with the big  bad enemy we call  D-I-V-O-R-C-E!  To be quite honest, it sucks!  However, as we all know, after every rain shower, there is a rainbow.  The same holds true for life after divorce.  Problem is, we tend to hide from life after divorce.  We tend to decide that we can no longer shine.  We tend to accept what our temporary emotions are telling us and instead of making lemonade out of lemons, we stay stuck.  

TMF Readers, can we talk?  Albeit, divorce and remarriage both have many pitfalls.  If you go to any library in your community you will find many books on the subject.  However, no one book can prepare you for the injury you feel when divorce happens.  With that, today, I want to give you a few tips on learning how to nurture your emotional and personal growth after divorce.  As the title of this post reads, No One Can Grow In the Shade!  What do I mean by this you might ask?  Well, it’s simple.  Staying stuck holds you down.  It keeps you in the dark and forces you to keep assigning blame to yourself instead of truly evaluating the whole big picture.  It keeps you from accepting what has happened and it keeps you from moving on.  It keeps you from discovering the new person that you are and what personal gifts you have been blessed with.

Here are some tips for you to use in your journey:

• Reflect — but do not dwell.  During my divorce, I kept a journal.  Write down your feelings and leave them there.  Capture what you think went wrong and learn from it.  Using a journal to express yourself keeps you from making the huge mistake of being over-emotional around your children, etc.   It is a form of release. 
• Rebuild. Divorce can literally suck the life out of you — IF YOU ALLOW IT TO.  Find things you enjoy (i.e., hobbies, personal time, vacations, etc.) and focus on yourself.  In order to rebuild your life, you have to have inner strength and a main component of inner strength is taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Find what you like to do and DO IT!  Take time for the pleasures in life that give you peace. 
• Eliminate and reduce stress/anxiety.  This may be hard to swallow, but you are divorced.  Yes, it’s over but your life is not.  Worrying about what could have been or what should have been done or what you could have done differently isn’t going to change the fact that you are divorced.  Take time to meditate on you.  Get a massage, hit the gym, find a space in your house that is all yours and relax.  Reduce your stress by writing down your feelings and then decide to move on.   Part of your learning process means you don’t have to make the same mistakes again — that in itself will lessen your anxiety.
• Fight your fears.  After divorce, people are so afraid to be alone that they, at times, jump from the frying pan to the fryer.  Patience is key.  Being alone doesn’t have to be the big ”fear” everyone makes it out to be.  It is important to have time to redefine yourself.  It is important to have time to rediscover what it is about you that makes you happy.  It is important to reflect on how you can grow from this situation.  You cannot do all of these very important things while at the same time jumping into a new relationship.  It doesn’t and won’t work.  Being alone and giving yourself your own undivided attention will build your self-esteem and self-worth.

TMF Readers, you cannot grow in the shade!  In order to be truly happy, we have to be able to acknowledge and find that WE, as individuals, can fulfill our own needs.  Hence, we can move on with our lives and become a better partner in our future relationships.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

THIS IS WHO I AM!

There are two primary choices in life:

1.  To accept conditions as they exist; or

2.  Accept the responsibility for changing them!

This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives.  Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.

For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me.  I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time.  I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family.  I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought.   Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself.  No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME!

What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy.  As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.”  Life isn’t always happy.  Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive.  Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye.  I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back.  I don’t need approval from anyone but myself!  I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect  individual person.   Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better.   The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating.  The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.

The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing.  With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives.  No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves.

That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

RECIPE FOR LOVE

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.”  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A little bit of me and a whole lot of you.  Add a dash of starlight and a dozen roses, too.  Then let it rise for a hundred years or two.  It doesn’t need sugar ’cause it’s already sweet.  It doesn’t need an oven ’cause it’s got a lot of heat.  Just add a dash of kisses to make it all complete, and that’s the recipe for making love.  

The truth in Harry Connick, Jr. words to his song “A Recipe for Love” stated above says it all.  Allowing yourself to receive love is just as important as giving love.  More importantly, another important ingredient to the Recipe for Love is to believe in your love which is profound to any marriage.  Of course, there will be times when conflict rears its ugly head but it is how you deal with those conflicts that matter the most.   For example, it is super important to remember that you love your spouse so this simple or maybe not so simple argument will not break you.  Be mindful at all times that you can work through anything together.  Trust in your love.  Show your commitment to your partner by making sure he or she knows that breaking up or leaving is not an option.  Share your goals so that you stay on the same page and understand one another’s direction.

Keep your love alive, vibrant and healthy by showing appreciation for your spouse and reminding yourself why you fell in love.  Do something every single day to show your appreciation for your spouse.  This does not mean you have to send flowers, etc. every day, but simple gestures such as leave each other text messages or notes on the pillow, passionate hugs and soft kisses work too.  These small love gestures remind us of how important we are to each other.

Remember TMF readers, the smallest things you do will leave the biggest impression on your marriage, remarriage and relationships.  It is truly one of the biggest components in the recipe of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Love Your Spouse on Purpose

February is the month of love. It’s a time to focus on your spouse. It’s a time to relive old memories, show your appreciation, buy flowers and chocolate and have a special date night. It’s a time to love your spouse on purpose!

During the month of February, we plan to encourage you every step of the way, with helpful articles such as: Tips to Build a Strong Marriage, Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage, Recipe for Love, Keeping it Hot in the Bedroom and much more.

We’d also love for you to share your stories about how you met your spouse, fell in love, your first kiss, your wedding day or your perfect honeymoon destintation for your chance to win a prize from our friends at Spicy Wifey (details coming soon)! This month, let us all spread the love and help add a little spice in our marriages. Remember, the way you build strong families is by building strong marriages. There simply is no other way.

Lovingly Yours,

Kela and Diane

Positive Co-Parenting Binder

When co-parenting your children, it isn’t always realistic for some couples to meet over a cup of coffee to talk about the kids, or discuss the kids’ futures while at Christmas dinner. However, the need for effective communication is just as essential when trying to inflict minimal damage on the kids. They need for their parents to be on the same page and let’s face it, it can get rather confusing when trying to manage doctor’s appointments, education expenses, health care expenses and parenting time schedules between two households. Well, I’ve got the perfect solution! It’s called the Positive Co-Parenting binder, an communication and organizational tool created for co-parents, by April Zacher.

The Positive Co-Parenting binder includes a parenting time calendar, activity and school calendars, education and dependant and health care address cards (and holders for the cards), health care receipt folders, health care instruction sheets, document exchange folders, and there is even a place to record pertinent conversations!  It’s the perfect way to keep co-parents on the same page and organized between both households; something kids desperately need in order to thrive post-divorce.

You can visit www.positivecoparents.com to order a binder for $39.95 or you can even get the pdf version for just $8.95.

I’m seriously thinking about given these away as gifts. In my opinion, it’s that essential that co-parents have one. Even if you get along great and communicate fairly well with your co-parent, it’s nearly impossible to keep all the important things organized between two households. The Positive Co-parenting Binder is a great tool for all co-parents! Order your binder today!

How Often Do You Vacation Without the Kids?

Diane and I received a question from a reader last week regarding vacationing WITHOUT his kids or stepkids. His wife wanted to keep it from his children until the last minute because she didn’t want them to be upset. However, he didn’t/doesn’t understand why his wife’s stepkids feel as if they are entitled to go. His stepkids expressed that it was unfair that they weren’t included in the vacationing plans.

In my opinon, although I think it’s completely normal for kids to be disappointed that mom and dad are going on vacation without them, I don’t feel the need to beat around the bush, or figure out a way to tell them (as if to ask their permission), that the adults/parents are going on vacation without them. This holds true if the children are older – which his are. In my opinion, it just feeds into that sense of entitlement.

As I told the reader, vacationing WITHOUT the kids, from time to time, is a great way to get some extended time just focusing on you as a couple, instead of you as parents/co-parents/step parents. Couples NEED that in order to nurture their marriage and be better partners and parents.

Below is the reader’s story. What do you think? How often do you vacation without your kids/stepkids?

READER QUESTION:

Hi Kela and Diane…

Wanted to pose a question for the advisory board if I may…

My wife and I are going on a vacation in a couple of weeks.  Hawaii specifically.  My wife didn’t want to tell her kids (pre-teens) until just before we were flying out.  I didn’t quite understand this because my ex and I had travelled a number of times when my kids were younger and there was no problem with them knowing.

A few days before the planned disclosure date to her kids, I accidentally let the cat out of the bag at the dinner table.  My wife was shocked and a little disappointed but she took the opportunity to explain the context of the trip.

Kids reacted fine at first, but then became mopey and expressed that they thought it was unfair that we go without them.  I had not seen that there was any precedent set that they come on all trips with us.  However, this is the first major trip my wife and I have taken together where we are gone for more than a few days to such an appealing place.

They came up with some of the most amazing rationalizations as to why this wasn’t fair and that they deserved to go.  None of which made sense to me or my wife.  We had launched a new business this past year and agreed that we would not take any holidays other than long weekends due to the commitment it required.  Glad to say the first year has been a success so this is somewhat a reward for much hard work.  It is also a sort of deferred honeymoon for us.

I just don’t see where the “we deserve to go with you”, thing comes from.  I don’t recall feeling that way as a kid, nor did I experience that with my own kids when I was in my first marriage.  I’ve spoken to a few friends, and the responses are mixed, but the majority see no problem with parents vacationing on their own and few have experienced much resistance.  None on the level we just went through.

In the end, one of my step kids admitted he was envious.  The other still contends it is just not fair.  We are going all the same.  I am paying for it.  Fabulous arrangements have been made for kids to stay with a wonderful friend in a wonderful setting.

So, I know there aren’t many do’s or dont’s on an issue like this.  Wondering if you can provide any thoughts or experiences.  I was just left quite puzzled and perhaps feel a little guilty and bothered that my wife and I can’t take a well-earned vacation after a very hard-working year without such resistance and commotion.

Building A Healthy Remarriage

A marriage that is not nurtured, eventually dies. Unfortunately, most remarried couples foster the idea that as long as they don’t make the same mistakes they made in their first marriage, their remarriage will be long-lasting and survive any storm that may come it’s way only to be disappointed to find out that it takes much more than just being cognizant of past errors.  Nourishing your remarriage needs to be your #1 top priority.

The demands on marriage today are numerous.  Think about it.  Most couples work demanding jobs, are doing their best to keep the roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs, cooking and keeping up the house, dealing with the exes and handling stepfamily problems.  With all of these demands (and there are many more — too many to list) it isn’t surprising that we end up putting our marriages last on the checklist.  Not to mention, it is usually at the end of a tiring day that we are able to focus on our partner. 

In my opinion, one of the most important ways we can nuture our marriage is to keep a “window” open between you and your spouse, and to definitely keep a “wall” up for people outside of our relationship.  For example, if we are more open with someone outside of our relationship rather than with our spouse, then something is wrong with that picture.  Our very most private moments, thoughts, and feelings should only be shared with our spouse.  This prevents you from being pulled apart.

If you are feeling a little disconnected, ask yourself a few of these questions:

1. What is your spouse’s greatest strengths?
2. How are you helping him/her to achieve their goals?
3. What “walls” have you put up to prevent others from pulling you apart?

Nurturing our marriages is not only important but should be our number one priority.  Your marriage potential will be endless if you put your marriage first.  Here are a few tips and tools to get you on the right path to a healthy, nurtured marriage:

• Trust.  Be  honest, fair and straight with your spouse.  Don’t lie.  Make sure your word is as good as gold. 
• Loyalty.  ALWAYS stand by your partner.  ALWAYS, protect and encourage your life partner.
• Commitment:  Make efforts, everyday, to put more into your marriage.  Put  your spouse’s interests before your own.
• Skills.  Marriage is a lifetime process.  Understand when your partner expresses their needs.  Communicate what you need.  Agree to disagree when you are dealing with an issue where the solution can’t be found right away.  Manage your conflict in a healthy manner.
• Appreciation.  One of the most important attributes a person can have is that of appreciation.  Each party in the marriage wants to feel appreciated and loved.   Show your appreciation.

Nurturing your marriage exists when you get to a point when you put your needs behind that of your life partner.  It means realizing that your words might hurt your partner before you release the words out of your mouth and decide not to say them at all.  It means that you are responsible and take ownership for your issues.  It means being unselfish.

Building our remarriages and marriages in general is not easy, it takes lots of hard work.  Remember, love is never enough.  It takes hard work, determination and all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Posts of 2010

We’ve had a blast in 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011. Join us as we look back at our top 10 posts of the year.

1. Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce
2. Kiss My Azz…All Married Couples Fight
3. Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”
4. Living Well is the Best Revenge
5. Today’s Modern Family’s Top Ten Mom Must Haves
6. Step Martyrs Are Not Loveable
7. Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting
8. Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment
9. Protecting the Stepmother’s Mental Health
10. Super Stepmom Syndrome

Happy New Year Readers! We wish you and your families joy, peace and success in 2011.

Grace and Peace,

Kela and Diane

Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman, Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce

 When I first approached the newest cast member of VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman, about doing an interview on Today’s Modern Family, I must say I wasn’t surprised by her humble response. “I would be honored to do an interview for you,” she said. By that one simple statement, I knew that Tami Roman was a very different person than what has been projected in the media and by what we see on the edited reality show. Tami is an extremely down to earth, very real chick who was eager and gracious enough to speak candidly with me about her journey from the Real World reality show to marriage to high profile professional basketball player, Kenny Anderson, to single mother on welfare and to finding love again.

Newest Star of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman

Marriage to and Divorce from Professional Basketball Player

When Tami met, fell in love with and eventually married Kenny Anderson, she thought it would be forever.  She got everything she had been hoping for when she was younger; a beautiful home, financial stability and a husband. She expressed how she soon began to lose sight of reality as her privileged lifestyle came with a certain status that she felt was now her norm. Although Tami seemingly had everything she had been hoping for since she was a child, she wasn’t prepared for what she didn’t get from her husband; respect, love, honor, integrity and commitment.

 Eventually, Kenny had multiple affairs that ultimately led to the demise of the marriage. But because she too came from a broken home and was raised without a father; she didn’t want that for Lyric and Jazz, the beautiful daughters that she shares with Kenny. As a result, she accepted the infidelity for as long as she did because of them.

After the divorce Tami expressed that things got really bad between her and Kenny and Tami admitted to not always making the best decisions regarding her daughters and their relationship with their father. She openly expressed that she did not know how to co-parent and feels as if her daughters suffered because of it.

“By the time Kenny and I got divorced, it was really, really bad. We couldn’t have a conversation for two minutes without yelling at each other, cursing each other or hanging up the phone,” she said.

Because Kenny has been so adamant about Tami keeping the girls away from him and has given that as his reason for lack of involvement; I asked Tami if she intentionally or maybe even subconsciously kept him away from the kids.

“Again, by the time we divorced it [our communication with each other] was really bad. Now we had to try to co-parent and make arrangements for my daughters, who were only 6 and 4 at the time, to see their dad. Kenny wanted me to put my 6 and 4 year old on a plane by themselves and fly them to wherever he was, and I wasn’t okay with that. So, in his mind, I was keeping the kids away from him. In my mind, I was just being a mother and looking out for my children. And so, we could never come to a happy medium,” Tami explained.

Moving forward Tami expressed how she wanted her daughters and Kenny to continue to develop some type of relationship. Although she’s grateful that they have began to do so, she is realistic and knows that it will take baby steps to eventually get to her desired outcome, and that is that Lyric and Jazz will truly know their father as a person and not just in name only.

The Downfall

During the first couple of episodes of Basketball Wives, Tami candidly spoke about going from wife of a professional basketball player to single mother on welfare. During our interview she went on to explain that although she did sign a prenuptial agreement prior to marrying Kenny, that basically said, “what you came with is what you’re leaving with,” that agreement did not apply to their daughters. Kenny did pay a large monthly sum of money for Lyric and Jazz post divorce, for a period of time.  However, she admitted that she did not make good financial decisions because she was trying to maintain the lifestyle that she had when she was married to their father; not understanding that the reality was that she was no longer married to their father. Tami described how she let a lot of people take control of her life and in turn, wasn’t making proper maternal decisions for her daughters.

“People would say things like, ‘you can’t live in that house, you need this house,’ or ‘your kids don’t need to be shopping at Target.’ And I allowed all of that to alter my perception of my real reality and that was that I was divorced and a single mother.”

 Tami tried to maintain a lifestyle that she admits she didn’t necessarily need and looked up one day and the funds were depleted. Roman holds herself accountable for her financial crisis and insists that she does not blame Kenny for it. She explained that if she had managed her finances the way she should have before Kenny stopped paying child support, there would not have been a downfall, but she didn’t and takes sole responsibility for it.

Basketball Wives

Tami expressed that she was actually approached by VH1 for the first season of Basketball Wives but turned it down because she had worked for 10 years trying to distance herself from the whole reality television genre. She had actually re-entered into corporate America as a financial analyst and would have rather done that than another reality show. However, as she prayed about her journey and what God wanted her to learn from it, she decided that it would be a great opportunity to be a living testimony. She explained how it took her moving through her storm to realize that Kenny was not to blame for everything that has happened to her, but she had to be accountable for her mistakes after their marriage. As a result, she thought that she could perhaps educate others who have experienced or are experiencing similar circumstances.

“I needed for men to see what happens when you’re not emotionally there for your children. I needed for women to see that when you’re in a situation and making money, it’s not about pushing the Louis Vuitton; it’s about investing and making the right choices for the future instead of solely living in that moment,” said Tami.

What’s Next for Tami

Currently, Tami Roman is definitely in love again and explained how the adversity that she has faced, has actually made her better for her current partner. When I asked about her current beau, I could hear the glow in Tami’s face which made the picture much more vivid. She and independent film maker, which she wishes to remain anonymous, have been going strong for 3 years now and are happy with the family they have created. Although they haven’t solidified any wedding plans just yet, they have talked about it.

“I am so in love and it’s definitely a beautiful place to be. After you have gone through something that’s not right, you can definitely recognize when it is right. Because we’ve both been married before, we didn’t think we needed to get married to validate our our love for each other, initially. However, as we have progressed in our relationship, we have talked about it,” said Roman.

Tami is still acting as well and jokingly said that Tyler Perry needs to hurry up and give her a call for a role in his next film. She is also working on a book about her life, which she hopes will give people an inside view as to who the real Tami is. In addition to all of that, Tami still finds time to give back and is working with a charity called Project Girl; a troop of spoken word artists who range from age 13 to 18, and go around to schools to mentor young girls through spoken word.

From publicly talking about her abortion on the Real World over 10 years ago, to candidly airing her co-parenting issues with ex-husband, Kenny Anderson, on VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman displays an authenticity and vulnerability that makes her relatable, human and definitely someone you’d want to hang out with. She definitely makes the top of our superchick list!

Please be sure to catch Tami on the second season of Basketball Wives, Sundays at 8/7 Central on VH1.

« Previous Page — Next Page »