Hollywood = Splitsville?

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

Video Games: Friend or Foe?

TMF Readers, we received the following letter from a concerned reader regarding video game addiction. In the past 10 years, video game addiction has become a mainstay in our society and abroad. Unfortunately, there are some parents who are also addicted which sets the bar in the opposite direction for their children.  We at Today’s Modern Family would love to have your thoughts on this fiery debate.  Feel free to chime in and offer our reader some of your tips or tools on how you helped to conquer this addiction with your own child(ren).

Dear Advisory Board,

We are concerned about the possible signs of Video Game Addiction in one of our pre-teens.

I have read some things online but hard to know what is reliable. The signs we are seeing are:

- Inordinate fixation with a particular multi-dimensional game.

- Immediate return to the game when there is even a moment free.

- Strong reactions to when the game’s access is limited or removed.

- Inciting conflict with siblings playing the game or using the computer.

- Lethargy in other areas such as homework, personal care, household responsibilities where previously these were done more reliably.

- Sneaky/deceitful behaviour to get to the game.

The list does go on but I am sure you would agree that the signs are worthy of attention.

We are intervening and doing a lot of common-sense things like talking about it with the child, limiting access to a certain amount per day, giving other options for them to occupy their time with. We are seeking guidance locally as well.

We are just concerned we are at the thin edge of the wedge of a growing problem and welcome any input.

Much appreciated.

RHOBH Russell Armstrong Commits Suicide!

I am so very sad to be reporting the tragic death of Real Housewives of Beverly Hill’s Taylor Armstrong’s husband, Russell Armstrong. He was found dead at a friend’s house on Monday night after apparently hanging himself. He did not leave a note, but there have been rumors  that his strained marriage to Taylor and financial downfall may have had something to do with him taking his own life. Russell’s ex-wife, Barbara Fredrickson, with whom he shares a 14 year old son, blames Taylor for his death.

“She drove him into financial stress and it just ruined him. Now Aiden [their 14 year old son] must continue his life without his father,” said Fredrickson.

As of today, Taylor had  not revealed the devistating news to the 5 year old daughter that she shared with Russell. The TMF family sends prayers and hugs to Taylor, Kennedy, Barbara, Aiden and any other relative or friend who has been affected by this tragic loss. May God be with you during your time of mourning and need.

CHECK IN AND MOTIVATE YOURSELF!

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates”

 We all talk the talk but a lot of the times we forget to walk the walk.  Men and women alike want to be more healthy, more motivated and more self-aware of where we are in our walk of life.  Add in all of the stresses that our societies are now experiencing and 9 times out of 10, “yourself” gets put on the back burner.  I saw a quote once that stuck with me.  It said “You are your own raw material.  When you know what you consist of and what you want to make of it, then you can invent yourself.”  I have discovered that my truth is when I want changes to occur in my life or I want to grow more or feel more bound to my relationships, I make sure that I first attend to myself and analyze where “I” truly am so that I can then open myself up more and also be more to others.

Checking in with myself has been an overall hard effort in the past for me.  Finding the self-motivation to put myself first and to get out of slumps is and was hard work.  Falling off the bandwagon is just like being addicted to nicotine.  You fall off the wagon and get back on again, which can end up being a disastrous cycle if you allow it to fester.  Continuously motivating ourselves and giving ourselves the time we deserve (mentally, physically and emotionally) is utterly important.  When I allow myself to breathe, spend time nuturing myself, I feel remarkable.  In my opinion, this happens to everyone who starts to think that they can do things when they believe in themselves first.

Another idea about checking in with ourselves and motivating ourselves is by sharing our knowledge with others.  Think about it….what if Maya Angelou never shared her magnificent poems with all of the world?  What if we never heard the story of Albert Einstein or Anne Frank?  What if Martin Luthur King, Jr. decided only to preach his message in the church and not take to the streets to spread his wisdom and God’s word?  In order to help people, we have to share what we know.  No one is successful by themselves.  There is always someone behind the scenes helping.  I know I would be absolutely no where without my fabulous business partner who supports me and whom has inspired me and shared her knowledge with me.  It’s about being unselfish and allowing our motivations to help others. Remember, we can do more and aim higher when we have supportive people around us.

Here are a few tips to get you more motivated:

1. Stay Positive. Attitude, attitude, attitude.  It makes all the difference in the world.   You are the only one in charge of your attitude. 
2. Reach Out.  Share your message with others.  By helping others, you will be more motivated to do even bigger things.
3. Stay Organized.  Keeping track of where you are at on your goals is important.  Put pen to paper, even if it is in a journal. 
4. Be Good To Yourself.  Take “me” time.  If your home life is busy all the time, treat yourself to a hotel room once in a while. 
5. Take Action.  Stop with all the “talking” about what you want to do and just do it!
6. Don’t Go Overboard.  You are only one person.  Take into consideration that you cannot do it all in one day, one week or one month and it’s OK. 
7. Expectations.  Keep your expectations realisitc.  Maximize your strengths and work on your weaknesses, but keep them all in a realistic perspective.  You are not superman or superwoman!
8. Complacency.  Do not get stuck incomplacency.   If you dream, dream big!   You can grow as high as you reach, you just have to believe in yourself.

TMF Readers, when we are in motivational mode, we have to remember that wanting something in our lives is not enough.  It’s like watching a soccer match that lasts 90 minutes and the score is 0-0.  It’s all about which team has more hunger.  Your dreams must inspire you.  However, dreams are just that…dreams….they are insufficient if they do not stretch your comfort zone at times. 

Mikhail Baryshnikov once said, “I do not try to dance better than anyone else, I only try to dance better than myself.”  This is my truth.  I just want to dance to my own music, I want to be successful by working at what makes me happy and by being inspired by my dreams.  Being motiviated and checking in with myself to make sure I am where I need to be is starting simple and that is the first step.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Shaping Loyalties = Sabatoging Trust

As Dr. Jeanette Lofas so eloquently uses as her tag line on her website, “Often stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide!”   At times, the word “collide” can feel like an understatement to a blended family struggling with loyalty conflicts.  Loyalty is often an emotional response to a particular situation that may be occurring with someone we love (i.e, our parents or children, etc.).  It’s a natural response….we show up for those we love….right?  Unfortunately, for children living in blended families, the issue of loyalty is a very difficult one.  Even more unfortunate is when parents and even some stepparents try to shape their children’s loyalties toward the other parent.   Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a child will face in their lives — often equated to a death.  It often has the ability to shape how they view their future adult lives if they are not given the right tools to use in order to trudge through same.  They have to learn to trust all over again.  Yes, parents, when we divorce, our children lose trust in us.  They feel betrayed by the two people they look to for their security and for their sense of self.  It is painful to feel betrayed and to feel as if you are betraying your children. 

When I meet with newly formed stepfamilies, one of the main issues I see is that step and bio parents tend to fall into the trap of trying to shape their children’s loyalties.  Most of the time, this happens when one parent remarries and the bio parent begins to get insecure.  Of course, becoming insecure about our relationships with our children are perfectly normal, we all have insecurities from time to time, but how we deal with these insecurities is what is crucial.  It is also very common for these same insecurities to creep up in our children manifesting themselves against their stepparents or new significant other in their parents’ lives.  Children often feel that if they are “perceived” as loving their stepparent, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.  Unfortunately, too many times, I have personally seen bio parents that reinforce this idea instead of debunking it for the sake of their children’s emotional and mental health.  They would rather, actually rather, see their children go through drama and chaos only to disrupt the lives of their exes.  It’s a shame on so many different levels.  Instead of being committed to having a healthy divorce for their children, they decide to create an “us” against “them” attitude and coerse their children to have hatred for their stepparent and sometimes even for their biological parent as well.  Unfortunately, what these parents don’t realize during all of this is that they are actually sabotaging their own childrens’ trust in them.  Children eventually mature and grow and they figure things out for themselves.  They figure out our insecurities.  They get it.

Thankfully, there are some steps that you can take in order to wade your way through these trying times:

• Your child needs clear rules, boundaries and structure.  Remain committed to your household rules. 
• Do not side with your children against a stepparent.  Talk with your ex spouse about issues that arise and handle them from there. 
• Do not put your children in the middle of your battles.  This goes for with your ex spouse or with your new spouse.  Children do not need to be privy to every issue you and your (ex)spouse are dealing with.
• Encourage the relationship your child has with his/her other parent.
• Do not use your child as a messenger between his/her parents.
• Don’t ask your children to “keep secrets” from the other parent.
• Don’t question your children about their visitation.
• If it is feasible, have the parents and stepparents sit down and discuss expectations surrounding rules and parenting roles, etc.  Obviously, this is not going to work for every stepfamily, but if it is feasible, it can help children to know that they will be supported by all parents and will also stand together as a united front. 

TMF Readers, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but this subject begs the reminder that your children are a part of both of you and your ex spouse.  When children feel as if they are put in the middle and have to choose between their parents, they feel insecure, guilty, pressured and ultimately rejected.  Those feelings manifest themselves in all kinds of ways which can cause not just drama in your home, but in their lives which leave scars that sometimes take years to heal.   Managing these issues as effectively as you can will help you to alleviate stress and will also allow the stepparent to be another caring adult in your children’s lives to become more trusted, involved and connected.  By leading the example, not only will your child gain more trust for you as his/her parent the lesson they learn thereby will enhance their life experience and allow them to flourish.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

REALITY TV CASTING FOR BLENDED FAMILIES

Have you been told your blended family is so dynamic that you should have your own TV show?

NOW CASTING dynamic blended families for their own reality series!!

Major Cable Network is looking to cast Blended Families To Be or Newly Blended Families who want to share their lives with us. We are looking for outgoing, charismatic families to participate. If you are interested in finding out more about this possible opportunity, please email a brief bio on your family or family to be to cbcasts@yahoo.com

Finding Value In Your Blended Family

 ”Our family hit some bumpy roads on this path of life.  It took us a while to get where we are today…I’m sure glad we all took the effort to walk together” Christy Borgeld, Founder of National Stepfamily Day

Bringing two families together with different values and of which are still dealing with feelings of loss is no walk in the park.  To many, the problems that come along with the blended/step family prove to be too much and unfortunately these such examples definitely do not have the makings for prime time television as did the Brady Bunch back in the 70′s. 

Currently, in the United States, the blended family has become some what of the norm.  As divorce rates continue to rise, blended families become more common.  In fact, blended families seem to be the way of the future.  Research has shown that it is estimated that soon there will be more children in stepfamily situations than living with both of their biological parents.

With that, in my opinion, finding value in your stepfamily is essential.  Albeit I know the task at hand can be one of the most challenging you might ever face, think about all of the factors that have to be weighed in the process.  As we all know, children do not ask for divorce or remarriage for that matter.  Usually, they are thrust into this situation, unbeknownst to them, and they just have to learn to live with it and deal with their extreme sense of loss.  I actually just had a long conversation with a very important person in my life, a woman who used to be my very own step-sister during my adolescent years, and she confided in me that one day, all of a sudden, they were just told that her and her two siblings were going on a road trip to a birthday party and they ended up thousands of miles away from their bio father and thrust into a live-in situation and eventual stepfamily.  I, being on the other end of that family, knew that my parents were getting divorced.  I cannot even imagine the feeling of that situation she was in.  With that being said, the losses that all members of the blended family face during these times can be a major contributing factor to the stresses that ensue afterward.  Mix in the ex-spouses and all the financial strain and you have a recipe for disaster.  Hence, anyone would have a hard time finding value in their respective blended families. 

However, being in a blended family has lots of rewards.  Being able to find the value in your blended family is very important.  Here are a few ways to get you started looking in the right direction:

• Pay attention to the communication skills being used within your family.  Being able to resolve conflict as it arises is essential.  Do your best to have wholesome, genuine communication.  Only focusing on negative communication is counter productive.
• Make sure you always put your marriage first.  Remember, at the end of the day, the kids will be grown and gone, it will be just you and your spouse.  
• Build on your differences and use them to make your family stronger. Each individual in the family may be different but will also bring something special to your unit.
• Remember, first families have an automatic bond, take time to connect with your stepchildren.
• Recognize that your stepchildren will feel closer to their mom or dad at different times in their developmental years.  This can be stressful to the bio parent and you are going to feel the need to step in.  However, recognize that you can’t fix this for anyone.  This is something that has to work itself out. 

Lastly, it is not an easy feat to build value and to find value in your blended family. However, if you are willing to make sacrifices now to have a strong, happy blended family, you will reap great reward in the long run.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Brady Bunch Syndrome

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

Trust is the key component to a successful marriage and especially in a remarriage. You have to be able to trust each other in order to present a united front to your children. If you don’t trust your spouse, you won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to be your co-parent with your children. You won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to solely handle decision making with their ex-spouse and overall, you won’t be an effective team and life partners. That being said, remarried partners who bring children into the marriage, are also presented with more opportunities to break trust just due to the complex family dynamic.  If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild or maintain trust in your marriage, consider the following helpful tips.

Do What You Say You’re Going to Do – When trust has been broken by one or both parties in the marriage, remember it’s the little things you do that will help to rebuild it. Think about it this way – when you are trying to build and maintain trust with your child of divorce, it’s important to be on time for visitation, keep communication open and honest, and overall, do what you say you’re going to do, right? Well, it’s no different when you’re trying to rebuild trust in your marriage. Do what you say you’re going to do; even regarding the simplest things such as bringing sugar home on your way from work. If you’re consistent over time, even when it comes to the little things, you will start to rebuild trust in your relationship.

Safe Communication – it’s important to feel safe enough to communicate in your relationship to rebuild trust. Pick a spot in your home and label it the no judgment zone. In this zone, you are both free to communicate how you feel without judgment. BUT, use “I” instead of “you” statements. “You did this, or always do that” are statements that put people on the defensive. Instead say “I feel this way when you do this.”

Don’t Continuously Bring Up the Past  – Even when you are both working hard to rebuild trust, be advised that there are still times when you are going to disagree/fight/argue. When this happens, remember to fight fair. Don’t bring up old issues , if you have already resolved them.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones and Words CAN Hurt – Words that are spoken in the heat of the moment when you are both very angry can knock you three steps back when you are trying to build trust.  So if you and your spouse are arguing and are boiling mad, take a breather. Step away from the discussion, collect yourself and remind yourself that you are having an argument WITH YOUR SPOUSE; not a co-worker or a stranger off the street – YOUR SPOUSE. Don’t say things that you might regret or that won’t be easily forgiven or forgotten.

No Instant Fix – You have to gradually rebuild trust over a period of time. Be patient with each other as you both work to regain that trust you lost and find happiness again.

Top Chef Host Padma Lakshmi is Facing Custody Battle

Padma Lakshmi

This story was first published in the New York Post.

“Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi is facing a custody battle from the father of her young daughter.

Adam Dell, the brother of Dell computer founder Michael Dell, filed suit on Tuesday in Manhattan Supreme Court for custody of 11-month old Krishna Thea Lakshmi.

TMZ.com reported Wednesday that under an out-of-court agreement, Dell currently has visitation rights to see his daughter nine days a month. Sources say that agreement is in effect until Feb. 20, when Krishna turns 1.

Both Dell, 41, and Lakshmi, 40, were discussing a custody arrangement to take effect after their daughter’s birthday, but the negotiations recently fell apart, according to the report.

Dell’s lawyer, Bill Zabel, confirmed the filing to the New York Post and said in a statement: “Adam Dell, above all else, wants to have an active and substantial role in the upbringing of his daughter with Padma Lakshmi. Unfortunately, Ms. Lakshmi has severely limited his time with their daughter and has refused to negotiate a reasonable co-parenting agreement. Mr. Dell has tried his best to avoid going to court, but Ms. Lakshmi has given him no other choice at this time.”

Sources told the paper that Lakshmi and Dell’s agreement allows him to see his daughter for seven hours a week, but that it’s complicated by her filming and travel commitments.

Sources close to Dell also told the paper that he has to deal with his ex’s lawyers and assistant to arrange times to see his daughter. One source said, “Adam does not want to take the baby away from her. He hopes this will result in a reasonable co-parenting agreement.”

Dell is also said to be seeking to be named on Krishna’s birth certificate and have her take his surname along with Lakshmi’s, according to the report.

A rep for Lakshmi told the Post, “It appears to us that Mr. Dell remains more interested in garnering media attention than working out details to see Krishna or in her welfare.”

My Commentary: This is a typical story for co-parents who have separated with very young children. Mama is super protective over her young and makes an exaggerated claim that 2 days a year is a completely reasonable visitation arrangement and I understand why. As a mother to a 9 month old, I’m not so sure I would want to give liberal visitation to anyone, including his father and he’s my husband. Children who are that young heavily and primarily depend on mommy, especially if she is a loving, attentive mother who has bonded with her child. I’m not saying that dad isn’t important at all, but for all of you women who have given birth, I’m sure you understand what I am talking about. My husband is a very loving, attentive, detail-oriented father, BUT, for the first 5 months, our son blatantly preferred me. Dad didn’t hold him right, didn’t feed him right, didn’t sing his favorite lullably like mommy and just didn’t care for him like mommy did. My husband would get frustrated and say, “why doesn’t he like me?” He’s just now getting to the point when he’ll stay with him while I’m completely out of sight. This speaks nothing of my husband’s parenting skills; it’s just that kids are really dependent upon mommy for the first few years of their lives. So I totally get Padma’s perspective. However, dad’s relationship with baby Krishna is still vital at this time as this is the time when they should be forming their own bond. It’s a tough situation and I hope that Dell and Lakshmi can come to some sort of flexible agreement for Krishna’s sake. Children that young really need both of their parents and it usually means that both parents will play a vital role in each other’s lives as well. This example is the very reason that I recommend that couples refrain from starting new relationships with significant others until the child is a little older. It just makes it a lot less complicated.

Your thoughts?

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