There is no way around it. The divorce rate for remarriages is 60 percent, compared to 50 percent for first marriages. The majority of which fall apart within two or three years of the wedding, leaving an estimated half-million children to cope with yet another split-up. Those statistics simply take my breath away. Even with these stunning statistics people still seem to think that building a stepfamily is just as easy, or should be anyway, as building a nuclear family.
Unfortunately, in new stepfamilies, many folks are in denial about the fact that stepfamilies just don’t and can’t work like a nuclear family. When problems arise, they decide to ignore them and go on as if those issues don’t exist; doing their best to avoid potential pitfalls that they feel will put strain on their remarriages. Why is this? Let’s face it, most couples remarry before they are emotionally ready. Some do it out of what I call the “rebound effect,” and others simply don’t want to be alone after divorce. Instead of giving themselves an ample amount of time after their divorce to heal mentally, physically (because divorce can take a physical toll) and emotionally, they choose to jump right from the frying pan and into the fire!
One saying that I love to refer to with my clients when we are discussing stepfamily issues they are and/or have been experiencing is this…”the best time to work out issues that you are experiencing is BEFORE you say I DO, not AFTER.” I say this because most issues within a stepfamily don’t just magically decide to present themselves after the wedding ceremony. More than likely, they are present before, during and after the couple says “I Do.”
Each spouse coming into a remarriage, and the children as well, are going to have different perspectives on how their roles should be perceived and how they should work going into it. As such, each individual is also going to have their own separate expectations as well. All of which can collide and cause chaos within the unit if not properly discussed and resolved ahead of time. Granted, you aren’t going to discuss every potential family issue that may arise but the obvious issues can be discussed and quite frankly should be. For example: discipline, structure, rules, respect, etc. Pre-marital counseling or coaching with an experienced stepfamily coach also can help a great deal in understanding the different dynamics that go into a stepfamily and also allows you to prepare yourself with the necessary skill set that it takes to have a satisfying stepfamily experience.
Remember, remarriages can be great marriages. However, with all of the complexities involved it can become hard to avoid the pitfalls that couples experience due to the stress of forging new relationships within the unit (i.e., stepchildren, ex-spouses, etc.). It actually can become overwhelming because we, as humans, tend to not learn from our prior mistakes and we repeat them. If we choose to first heal from the past, examine and unpack our “baggage” and take the lessons that we learned from our prior marriage and turn them into stepping stones for a new, healthy and meaningful relationship, we can then no longer worry about jumping from the frying pan to the fryer!
Lastly readers, it is a proven statistic that in remarriages that it sometimes takes more than 7 years for a stepfamily to really meld together. So, your real honeymoon period may not start for a long time. It is very hard to balance the needs and feelings of everyone at the same time, but I promise you, when you get to that honeymoon period, it will be well worth the wait!
Peace & Blessings,
Di
Many of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues. When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him. Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.
Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills. Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.
Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.
It’s no secret that everyone at one time or another has had conflict in their lives, whether it be with members of your immediate family, your friends or your work colleagues. Blended/step-families are no strangers to the same types of conflicts. Often times, it is the children within these families that experience the most pain and conflict, and most of the time, parents are so wrapped up in the pain and emotions of their divorce that they unintentionally forget about the adjustments their children are having to make. More often than not, they themselves do not understand the emotional effects that are taking place with their children until it either spirals out of control or causes resentment, both of which becomes damaging to a child’s self worth, self-esteem and confidence.
The above-mentioned may work for those couples who aren’t yet married, but what about the couples who are already remarried? Those couples need to be educated on divorce prevention as 2 out of every 3 remarriages end in divorce. Additionally, all couples interested in remarriage in which there are children involved, should be required to take blended family courses prior to remarrying AND they should be assigned a blended family counselor or coach to be available to them for encouragement and support.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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