Communication Principles of Marriage

As this week’s inspiration says, Author Rob Flood credits the principle of first response  that helped him change his attitude and save his marriage. This principle tells us that the course of any conflict is determined by the responder, not the initiator. As the responder you have the power to determine the direction of the conversation. As unfair as it may seem, when your spouse angrily approaches you with a concern, you can make a choice to diffuse the situation with the type of response you give. You can make a choice to either pay attention to the message or the approach. If you focus on the message, you will be more likely to respond accordingly instead of trying to match his or her anger.

Flood also outlines the principle of physical touch that helped to save his marriage. Once an argument has already started, this principle is hard to apply. As such, if  you apply the first principle and diffuse the situation before a full blown argument starts, the second principle will be much easier to apply. This principle suggests that when you know you’re headed for war, hold hands, sit close to each other so you can naturally touch. Ever wonder why marriage counselors always make spouses face each other and hold hands? In my case, if a situation is really intense, I suggest that the couple sit with their backs touching each other so they are still touching but not distracted by each others’ facial expressions. This is because it’s hard to fight with someone when you’re making physical contact. Try it. The next time your spouse angrily approaches you with a problem that has obviously been bothering him or her for quite some time, take his or her hand, and say, “let’s sit down and talk about it.” Your response will likely surprise him or her enough to actually do what you are suggesting and you will let him or her know that you are interested in hearing his or her concerns. This will allow you both to work toward a solution instead of focusing on the argument.

Research suggests that only 7% of our communication are based on content; meaning, we don’t hear each other enough to even disagree on what each other are saying. What we are mainly arguing about is the fact that we are both angry and the approach; which is why 38% of communication is based on tone of voice and 55% is based on non-verbal signals such as facial expressions and gestures. Although the responsibility falls on both of the participants in the argument, it is easier to diffuse an argument via the response rather than the initiation. And throughout a marriage, both of you are definitely going to swap positions as the responder and the initiator.  As such, you may find yourself angrily approaching your spouse and need a gentle answer instead of harsh words as the response. Remember, it’s  not about being right or proving to each other that you could be on an episode of Law and Order, it’s about getting each other.

Solomon said, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

Divorce and Befriending Your Child

In the 21^st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent.  Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them.  In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved.  Parents are not parenting.  Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being.  Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families.  I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.

For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision.  Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior.  When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol.  The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.

As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce.  Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause.  The other person harmed is the child.  Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you.  They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid.  They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections.  When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite.  A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness.  In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them.  Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask?  I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing.  They use their children.  The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious.  Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.

Remember, all of your feelings are okay - how you act upon those feelings are not.  Be a parent, not a friend.  When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend.  BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue.  Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend?  Do you think it’s appropriate?  Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role?  I invite your comments and dialogue.

Di

Establishing expectations between the stepmother and divorced mother

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

BFSO readers, we want to hear your opinions on the matter. Stepmothers and divorced mothers, what are your expectations of each other? Have you clearly thought about them? Are they realistic? Are they what’s best for your children and not just YOU? Let us know by chiming in on the discussion.

Co-Parenting Myths

Co-parenting can be a very contentious and stressful situation for divorced parents and step-parents if approached from an unrealistic standpoint. Many co-parents fail because: 1) one or all of the parents involved have an unrealistic idea of how things should be and 2) when those unrealistic ideas and expectations fall through, they give up, assuming that the whole thing won’t work and choose bitterness and hatred instead of effective communication and co-parenting.

The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries from the very beginning, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being friends and one big happy family. Below are some co-parenting myths that may help struggling co-parents put it all into perspective.

Myth # 1: We all have to be best friends who vacation together and have dinner together once a week.

Although I applaud every blended family who is able to vacation together, share holiday dinners together and overall, merge as one big happy family, I want those who aren’t able to or have no desire to do so, to know that they ARE NOT failures if they don’t accomplish this task. It is okay and completely possible to not be totally engulfed in your ex-spouse’s and his new spouse’s lives, yet work together to raise your child. You can communicate effectively, not subject your child to conflict and make decisions together without doing everything else together as well. By that same token, you can still get along and even be friendly without sharing holidays, weekly dinners or vacationing together, so don’t believe this new found hype of every blended family having to do everything together in order for the kids to be emotionally healthy. It’s not true! More importantly, it is important to know that no relationship, especially blended family relationships, happen by force. If accomplishing this task is your desire, allow it to organically happen and know that it takes TIME, often times years, before it genuinely happens.

Myth #2: We all have to hate each other!

Just like everyone in the blended family doesn’t have to be best friends, you don’t have to hate each other either. Society and the media convinces us to believe that getting along with our ex-spouses and their new spouses is some sort of weird thing that needs to be studied by scientists and researchers. It’s not weird if we can all minimize conflict, do our best to compromise, get along and yes, even like each other. It doesn’t mean that we have to be best friends and do everything together or that anyone desires to be back with their ex-spouse. It just means that we’re committed to handling our respective emotional baggage as a result of the divorce, and not allow it to interfere with working together to do what’s best for our child.

Myth #3: The ex-wife and wife must be best friends in order for it to work.

Most people think that the harmony of the blended family has to revolve around the ex-wife and wife being the best of friends. They think it simply won’t work if she and I aren’t the primary parents in the family; meaning, we have to talk about scheduling, visitation and child support together because WE are the only ones raising the kids. My question to them is; where is dad in this co-parenting equation? While it’s true that you don’t have to hate each other and it’s unhealthy to do so, you don’t have to be best friends, share slumber parties and spa dates and exclude dad from parenting responsibilities for it to work either, and that extreme can be just as unhealthy. As a matter of fact, in my experience and the experience of many co-parents that I’ve spoken with, dad often feels excluded when ex-wife and wife operate this way. I encourage co-parents to leave initial discussions about visitation, school plays, parent teacher conferences, child support, etc. to the biological parents. Now this doesn’t mean that the step-parents are totally excluded, but it is the responsibility of his or her spouse to include him or her in those decisions, not the ex-spouses. This way minimizes confusion, resentment and establishes healthy boundaries!

Myth #4: If we have arguments or disagreements along the way, we’re not good co-parents.

If you argue with your spouse, which we ALL do from time to time, what makes you think you’re never going to argue or you’re always going to agree with your ex-spouse and/or his or her new spouse?  Arguments and conflict, in any type of family, is inevitable, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of hatred and vengeful thinking due to one or even several arguments. People argue and that’s okay. It’s what you do afterward that’s important. Do you stew over it, and allow it to prevent you from moving forward, or do your best to compromise, let it go and move on?

Myth # 5: Good co-parents always find a way to agree on everything.

Although it is healthy for everyone to do their best to find a solution to an issue and compromise, it’s equally important to realize that sometimes everyone won’t agree, and won’t be happy with the final decision. Simply put, everyone is NOT going to agree all the time! That is an unrealistic expectation that often times sets co-parents up for failure. During the times when co-parents can’t agree it’s helpful to defer to the court order or seek the help of a third party (stepfamily counselor, mediator or judge) to assist you with achieving some sort of consensus. But again, what’s important is how you recover from these types of situations. Do you use your child as a pawn in a chess game because you didn’t get your way? Do you hold a grudge indefinitely? Do you refuse to communicate because she (his wife) took your ex-husband’s side? Do you allow it to totally trivialize the hard work you’ve put into being good co-parents up to that point? Or do you simply recognize it as a argument or something that you just couldn’t agree on and move on? Just remember, it’s not the arguments that make or break a blended family but it’s how you recover from those stressful times.

Rules for the Blended Family

Life revolves around rules in every situation and in every place in time.   Within the blended family, families often are faced with issues such as conflict, resentment, hostility and anger from not just the exes involved in our lives, but also from the children of blended families.  With all of the negativity, there are also positive ways to deal with these issues including by having flexibility, instilling patience, always loving and sometimes sacrificing.  Most importantly, compromising.

Whatever the scenario is with your blended family, setting out your family “house rules” is one of the most important undertakings that all parents (whether step or biological) can implement with their children.   One of the most important mountains to climb is to make sure that ALL parents are on the same page and encourage the children to be mindful of  the other’s household and the rules held therein.

To begin instituting house rules and when conflicts arise, parents must make their children understand these four words —”In our house we….”  When explaining and setting out rules, if the situation is addressed with those four simple words, there will be less of a chance that the children will become defensive and will be more accepting.  The word “we” is very powerful.  For example, as a step-parent, if I were to approach my step-daughter with “In My House…” or “When you are here…” it would make her feel as if she is only a visitor in our home.  But, if I use the words “our and we” when addressing a situation with her, she will interpret that by including herself as a part of our family and not as an outsider that just visits.

Here are a few more tips on rules that you can use to help your blended family:

1.  Include ALL parents in on discussions with one another about the levels of discipline that will be used in your household.

2.  Do not ever allow your child or your step-child to play one parent against the other.  More than likely, anything you hear from your child or step-child about the other parent is also being said about you in their household.  Children who are having a difficult time with the divorce often do this.  Communicate and try to resolve outstanding issues.

3.  Set aside time for step-children to have alone time with their biological parent. 

4.  Create your own family traditions that include all children of the family.

5.  Never show favortism.  Plain and simple, this hurts.

6.  Create chore lists for all children of the family and make sure everyone is pulling their own weight around the house. 

7.  Set curfews and make sure all abide by same.

8.  Set aside alone time for you and your spouse as well.  This is very important in maintaining balance.

9.  Have a family meeting to discuss the house rules and parents expectations — In the end, children WANT and NEED boundaries and establishing them early on benefits everyone.

10.  If you step-child has younger siblings in their primary household, encouarge them to help their bio parent(s) when they can.  If you have older siblings in your household, teach them to help your younger children or step-children so that the example can be set both ways.  Family means taking care of one another and taking care of one another means helping each other even when we don’t want to or when we are frustrated.

11.  STAY CONSISTENT.  Making children realize how important rules are in your household allows them to learn and prepare for their own future households.  Children live what they LEARN!

In conclusion, being a family means sharing responsibility and part of that responsiblity is learning to abide by the rules, not just in your blended famly households and lives, but in LIFE in general.  Teaching these lessons to our children will be invaluable to them in the future.

Peace and blessings,
Di