The name game in the modern family

Last names have traditionally been the way that people identify who belongs together in a family. For example, when you send out a family Christmas card, it is likely signed “The Johnson’s” instead of listing everyone in the family. For a nuclear family this is not a problem as everyone shares the same last name. But, for the bi-nuclear or modern family this can be a huge issue because there are likely at least 2 different last names within the family.

What you call yourselves as a family and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where they belong in the modern family. For some children, they feel as if they don’t belong to anyone in their household because one of their parents with whom they share a strong bond has changed her last name, due to remarriage, and the other doesn’t live in the household. For other children, the parent with whom they share a last name may be deceased or uninvolved in their lives. This can leave children feeling lost in world of changing houses and last names and no sense of belonging. Many decide to change their own last name in order to feel like they fit into the family they reside with. They might do this by telling people their new last name and/or writing it on school papers. It’s more about trying to find a place to belong than about a last name.

So the question is – how does this type of family identify themselves so that everyone feels apart of the family and the family can begin to establish their family identity? What do you call yourselves and how do you train others to refer to you in this manner? Some families choose to name themselves according to their address, such as  the Robinson Drive Family. Others choose to hyphenate their family name, such as the Johnson-Smith Family. In my case, my son chose to hyphenate his name on his own by signing his papers with my new last name and his biological father’s last name. This allows him to feel connected to his bonus father, with whom he shares a close bond as well as myself and any siblings that my husband and I have. At the same time, it allows him to remain connected to his father, his wife and their children as well. This works for us, but it’s important to find something that works for your modern family.

Once you do decide on what your modern family name will be, it’s important to subtly train or overtly inform others of how you’d like them to refer to your family. You can do this by signing your new name on birthday, Christmas, or Get Well cards; or you can correct people anytime they refer to the family name that excludes any of your family members.

As stated earlier, traditionally the last name was used to identify who belongs with whom, and traditionally only one last name was used. However, with over half of all U.S. families involving a couple who is recoupled or remarried in some way, and his, her and/or their children, it’s time to create a new societal norm for the modern family.