When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

Our Favorite Hollywood Blended Family - The Smiths

The Smith Family

The Smith family, which includes actor Will Smith, his beautiful wife, actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith and their 3 children, Trey (from Will’s prior marriage), Jaiden and Willow, are one of my favorite Hollywood blended families. The entire family, including Will’s ex-wife, Sheree and her husband, former NFL player, Terrell Fletcher appeared on the show.

When Oprah expressed that stepmom and ex-wife apparently get along, Jada responded by saying that she and Sheree made a conscious effort, early on, to get along.

“Sheree and I BOTH had to make that decision because at the end of the day, we had Trey and he had to be our primary focus,” she says. “So we had to put aside our own craziness, our stuff, all the baggage that comes with it. She and I just had to focus on, ‘What does he need?’”

The equally beautiful and marvelous, Sheree Fletcher, also chimed in by saying that while getting to that place took time and lots of “conversation”, it was extremely important.

Sheree Fletcher

“You realize, [Will and I] had our chance, now it’s about those kids,” said Sheree.

Will and Jada also discussed their plan for marriage, specifically called a Marriage Business Plan. This plan outlines their goals for their life and marriage.

“If you don’t have a purpose for your relationship, if you don’t have a place that you’re going, something that you want to accomplish, something that you want to do, you can really get lost in the murk of the journey,” Will says. “There has to be a vision. Like, why are we together?”

Will and Jada also said that they stay out of the spotlight (drama) because they believe the higher power put them together. As such, they focus on the greater purpose of their marriage instead of focusing on the drama. In turn, they have been able to create and sustain wonderful relationships within their blended family and raise 3 incredibly grounded children in Hollywood.

A very big round of applause goes to the Smith’s blended family for creating a solid marriage for their children and putting all the craziness (as Jada describes) aside to create a healthy family for their children. I LOVE IT!!!!

Stepmom, Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Aha Moment: She tried to micromanage the world. By letting go and doing less, actress Jada Pinkett Smith realized she could actually be more.

Source: The Oprah Show and Oprah.com

My Other Dad

In a recent Good News article, I announced that our blended family was growing. Both my son’s stepmother and I had babies 4 months apart. We have always supported each other in a healthy way,  encouraged sibling relationships and given our children the freedom to love. I’ve never told my son how to refer to his step-parents or what to call them. I’ve just always emphasized that we all love him and that he’s lucky to have two sets of parents who want the best for him. When talking to my son, I have never used the adjective “step” to describe any of his parents. I wanted him to create his own titles based on the relationships he formed with each of us. As a result, he refers to his parents as “my other dad” or “my other mom.” It’s amazing what effect our supportive and encouraging attitudes have had on my son’s younger brother (the child that my ex and his wife share).

For example, because babies equal sleepless nights and my son’s stepmother is here by herself until my ex returns from overseas, we support each other by carpooling. Both boys attend the same school (the school is K-8th grade), so my husband takes the boys to school in the morning and stepmom picks them up. This past week, on their way to school, the boys were discussing wrestling with my husband. Well, my husband was extremely tickled when my son’s brother said, “My other dad knows a lot about the old wrestlers.” Keep in mind that he doesn’t have a step-parent! Because we have given our children the freedom to just love, they are accepting of us all. He feels that since his brother has two sets of parents and these people accept me as well, they must be my parents, too.

Here’s the revelation: Children desire connection, a sense of belonging and to be loved. Whether they desire to be part of a family, a team or a clique at school, they want to belong. They are much more accepting than what we give them credit for. It is the parents that dump their toxic behavior, views and bitterness on them and influence their decisions and free will to love. If we look at the bigger picture and realize that these kids will be left with each other and not our bitterness, once we are gone, it should be easier to not impose our issues on to them. Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll never have any issues as co-parents (that’s unrealistic). It just means that you should leave all children out of them, and not allow those issues to prevent you from supporting their relationships with all involved parents and siblings. Co-parents, please support and encourage your child’s relationships within his stepfamily. Trust me when I say that the long-term benefit will far out weigh your short-term satisfaction.

The Challenging Role of Stepdad

Being a step-parent takes perseverance.   The stepdad experience can be challenging, and at the same time, rewarding for some men.  For those going through the challenging times, I hope that this article will provide you some tools that you can use to get you through this time.

Some adult children of divorce that I have spoken to have said that the fact that their stepdads did “not” have to stay in their lives or to necessarily “be” a father to them, but they did anyway, spoke volumes to them and to their self-esteem once they were able to get past the “juvenile” issues that most children of divorce experience.  If their biological father was still alive  and didn’t make much of an effort to “father” them and their stepfather did, they felt like as children, they idolized the person who was absent because it was easy to fault the parents who were making them obey the rules, do their homework and clean their rooms; basically the person who helped to provide them structure.  However, it wasn’t until their late teens, early twenties that they realized what the title, “father” really meant and for several of them, that meant their “stepfather.”

One of the pitfalls that some stepdads face is the mere fact that their wives only want them to parent when there are good times.  When bad or challenging times hit, some of the complaints I hear from stepdads is that  they are not allowed to be a parent.  However, as Kela and I have often discussed in prior posts, being a reinforcement for the biological parents at all times, including when the bio parents aren’t available is key.  Children need and want structure and discipline.  Structure and discipline equals love.

Recently, I read a great article written by Ron Deal (Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies) called The Effective Stepfather:  A Checklist to Live By.  In his article, Mr. Deal states that “Stepfathering can be challenging.  Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities.  The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.”

Some of the struggles stepdads face are all too common.  For example, a great number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting their stepfather and will often defy his decisions and cause all kinds of chaos and frustration within the blended family.  Another example of struggles stepdads face is the expectation process with their stepchildren.  Often times, men come into the stepfather relationship expecting that their stepchildren will automatically respect them and hold them in high regard.  For the children involved, they have to immediately take heed that you are in their life whether they like it or not;  however, what we as parents fail to realize is that we chose to get a divorce and to remarry, our children did not.  The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding.

Here are a few tips from Mr. Deal’s checklist to focus on in your journey:

• Initially Provide Indirect Leadership.  There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships:  1) positional power and 2) relational power.  Initially, you have positional power (because of being the male head of household) but later comes the relational power (the ability to form a relationship).  Take your time.
• Express Your Commitment.  Articulate your commitment to your wife but keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren.  In fact, they may be threatened by it.  Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.
• Communicate Your Role.  It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role in the beginning.  Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place.  Tell your stepchildren you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for them.
• Be Approachable.  Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you.  In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for the child’s heartache).
• Manage Stress and Your Anger.  Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do).  But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents.  When stress and conflict arise (and they will) make sure you manage yourself well.

As Mr. Deal so eloquently states, and I agree, “Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk.  Give them every reason to believe it is.”

To me, the above statement holds true for both stepfathers and stepmothers.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

10 Tips to Succeed at Second Chance Marriages as well as First

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!  This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you.   Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families.  Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories.  I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together.  The contents are priceless.  As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride.  Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage.  These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.

1. Continue what you’ve started. When you decide to take a vacation, you plan your trip in a detailed fashion.  You have a vision of all the sites you’d like to see, and of all the things you’d like to do.  So, plan the type of relationship you want to have!  Do now what it takes to have what you want in your marriage now and later — success and longevity.  Plant the seeds.  Cultivate them.  Many people forget that they have a voice and a choice in everything that they do!  That means that you can choose to have a successful marriage and write your own blueprint for it.  Then follow it, live it, for real.  For example, generally speaking, a man appreciates when his wife continues to be the woman he married.  His love stretches far and wide into eternity, when she continues to display all of the loving qualities that captured his heart, mind and soul.  A woman, likewise, appreciates it, when her husband consistently continues to do the loving things he did to win over her affections.  This helps her to continue to see him in a way that allows her to keep respecting and honoring him.  So if what you have to work with works for you, keeping working it!  Continue what you start.  It is imperative that you do not get so comfortable with one another that you begin to forget to honor one another, to consider the other’s feelings and concerns, to grow in your professions, spirituality, and in love.  Learn one another.  Know one another better than anyone else does.  Love one another in a way that no one but God can love you more.  Because in the end, people and things, including your children, will all be gone one day, and all you’ll have is each other until the end.

2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God.  Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order.  When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, becoming one in your core beliefs and value systems, you become a united front.  You are one machine whose variable parts work in concert together.  Keep one another tuned up with regular maintenance, like each one taking care of the other’s heart, emotions, and dreams, and each of you working together for the common good of both of you.  Never forsake one another, and never put anyone but God before one another.

3. Blended Families. Blended families consist of both Second Chance and First Time Married Couples with children, making at least one parent a stepparent.  Unless you are empty nesters, a lot of your married life and time will be devoted to raising and supporting your children.  There are five sub-key points to consider that are relative to blended families, and they are very important.

• Setting Expectations. Agree on and clarify what your family expectations are. The value of being on one accord, is that it shows the unity and peace in your relationship. Approach any concerns with one mindset and one voice, with one set of rules and regulations, with one set of plans and expectations, and with one love. This means you both will be in agreement on how to manage important issues. Speak lovingly, yet candidly with your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning the new changes in your life that will now affect their lives. Explain what they can expect and what will be expected of them. It may take several discussions over time for everyone to reasonably adjust. It may not, depending on the ages of the children, and any possible negative influences from the other parents aka the “ex.” It is very important that they see you two as a united front, and that when one gives an answer to the best of their ability, they speak for both of you. You must trust each other and one another’s judgment. Never disagree in front of the children, because this shows dissention and lack of unity, something that they will potentially use to manipulate both of you (as children do sometimes). It can cause a crucial breakdown in communication and in your relationship. Support one another and be preventive rather than be divided and prescriptive.
• Be Realistic. As the stepparent, be careful not to become overzealous with expectations that the children will accept you and your marriage to their biological parent. Some children struggle with jealousy [about you stealing their attention and time from their parent], resentment [of your marriage which has crushed their hope for their parents' reconciliation], or disloyalty [remaining formal and distant so they won't compromise their loyalty to the other (angry) parent]. Make sure that you are able to accept and deal with whatever the outcome, and that you will be able to sincerely love them regardless, and without bias. It is important that the love and understanding from both of you is equal for all of the children.
• Unpack Your Baggage. Identify and address all negative influences of your “ex” that could potentially impact your relationship and/or your relationship with your children. Each of you should deal with and resolve (head on) any unresolved issues with the “ex” in your life, so that you maintain uncompromised peace and stability in your marriage. Keep it classy and peaceful if at all possible, because children live what they learn. When you two consistently show love and respect for one another, and others, against all odds, your children will respond to that love and respect, making the transition easier.
• Set Structure. You must set family structure. Be clear about what is and is not acceptable. Acknowledge and reward compliance. Correct noncompliance.
• Set Rules. Agree on what the rules are, and how you plan to raise, educate, correct and discipline your children. Ideally, between the four parents, all should cooperate and agree on one best practice for achieving these goals. Focus on the objective: the welfare and benefit of the children and your marriage. Suggest win-win solutions.

4. Strength Is the Secret to Success.  The strength of Second Chance Marriages, or any marriage, is a God centered married life that is regularly nurtured.  Worship together (meditate, or practice whatever centers your life, respectfully), as you do everything else together.  Pray for one another, never prey on one another.

5. Command Respect.  As a stepparent, always respect the other parent’s role and position in their children’s lives.  Do not try to compete for the affections of the children.  Do not intentionally be offensive to the other parent in any way.   To deal with any negative feelings, journal the things that are negatively affecting you, and discuss them with your spouse.  Command your respect by first giving respect.

6. Money Matters.  Mature newlyweds may be more concerned with health care, retirement, their children’s trusts, wills, and pensions.  Both, the mature and young newlyweds, alike, may each have different money views and values that will require compromise and negotiation.  Prenuptial agreements protect preexisting financial securities, and family interests.  Although it is common, not everyone uses them.  A working partnership is a must to manage finances.  Full disclosure is essential, and so is the need for couples to find and to apply solutions to any problems.

7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent.  In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them.  They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name).  The most important thing is that you are now family.  Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them.  The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal.  Sometimes there may be disagreements.  All families experience them sometimes.  Do not make a mountain out of a molehill!  Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love.  At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing!  Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent.  Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children.  After all, they are.

8. Mind Your Manners.  Do not take your wife or husband for granted.  Remember to be courteous and kind.  Just like you were taught, “thank you” and “please” still mean a lot and go a long way.  Always consider, protect and support your spouse in all aspects as you would yourself.  Maintain faithfulness, integrity and respect for one another in words, thoughts and in deeds.

9. Your Way Is Not The Only Way.  You were not always one team.  You come from different backgrounds, were raised differently, and have different ways of doing things.  Adjusting to living together, and accepting one another’s habits can be challenging at times, to say the least.  You do not have to say everything that you think.  Everything does not have to be done your way.  Sometimes sacrifice and compromise will be required.  To lessen or to avoid complaints, insults or arguments, change your focus and your mindset.  Remember all the attributes that you love about your spouse.  “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” - Philippians 4:9.   Then compromise on different ways to do things.  It is always good to know more than one route to any destination, and more than one way to accomplish any task.  Use your differences to strengthen your personal weaknesses or to enhance and compliment your strengths.

Mind Your Business.  What goes on in your marriage, stays in your marriage!  Be very careful about the information you share about your spouse, and to whom you share it.  Most people won’t let you forget any negative information you share and are just looking for drama.  Whenever needed, talk to people who are successful in their marriage.  Preferably, the husband should talk to another husband or male friend, not to his female co-worker.  Similarly, the wife should talk to another wife or female friend, not to her male childhood friend.  Basically, if you don’t want to hear about it again, mind your business by either keeping it to yourself, or ensuring that you tell someone who can keep it in good confidence, and who will give you wise counsel and encouragement about your situation.  As much as possible, communicate with one another about everything.  Become one another’s best friend.

This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of  Sheer Elegant Events.

Stepchildren and Discipline

A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship.  A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means.  However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand.  This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage.  Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child.  However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide.   For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this?  Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building?  Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules?  Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child.  They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner)  – period.   In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”  Your answer is probably “no.”  Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).

Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings.  Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated.  With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone.  This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference.  With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.

As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children.  That is a bond that takes time.  Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline.  Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents.  Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.

Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother.  Here are some tips for you to follow:

1.  Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2.  Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3.  All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4.  Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5.  Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them.  Always discuss it behind closed doors.  This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.

Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them.  Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren).  Let them know your expectations of them.   Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Tips for Step-parents

One of the most challenging and dynamic positions I have ever undertaken in my life is my role as a step-parent.  Step-parenting can find some of its participants completely unprepared for the journey that lies before them.  Taking on the joint responsibility of raising a child is not something one should take lightly.  It is a huge responsibility that at times is not only challenging and intriguing, but can also be just as encouraging and rewarding in the long term.   The Bible, in the Book of Esther, tells a beautiful story about Mordecai and Esther and their step-parent relationship.  Esther’s parents unexpectedly died and Mordecai, even though he was a cousin, stepped into the role as Esther’s father.  He loved her, took care of her and treated her as his own.  The step-relationship has a long history and every family has bumps in the road toward a successful modern family.  The word “step” originated from the word “steop” which has the meaning ”bereaved and deprived.”  As such, being a step-parent can be an undaunting and sometimes under-appreciated task.

Of course, no step-parent has all the right tools at first going into a remarriage with bonus children.  Obviously, through your own experience, there will be times where minor and even  major adjustments have to be made.  Adjustments however don’t always have to be looked at as negative.  Sometimes, we need to make adjustments in order to enhance ourselves and to make ourselves a better person, parent or step-parent.  Another  common occurrence step-parents face, usually at the beginning of their journeys, is having the unrealistic expectation that their modern family will have an immediate, harmonious family unit experience.  They go into their marriage/remarriage ”gun ho and ready to go” only to be disappointed later when they find out that the expectation stated above just wasn’t feasible.

Understanding the issues that you face as a step-parent will be an integral part of your success.  The process of understanding isn’t always easy as you may have to accept changes that you might feel don’t fit into your style of parenting, but with that, you can implement your own adjustments as well.  Striving and working together is the key but this will only work if everyone in the family has that goal.   If you have to force it, that might be your clue that the speed bumps in your modern family journey may end up being pot-holes someday.  How you understand and face those bumpy times is what is important.  Step-parenting can be very rewarding, but can also become resentful for people without the right tools.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate through your journey:

• Being a step-parent doesn’t entitle you to any “title.”  Don’t force your step-child to give you an automatic name other than your own.  Let them decide on their own.   Titles are not as important as relationships.
• Make time and spend time together as a whole family.  Albeit, it is good for a child to spend time alone with his/her own parent, keeping you (the step-parent) and the child’s step-siblings separate all of the time, keeps the family as a whole separate and leaves feelings hurt.
• Treat your step-child the way you would want your own child to be treated.  Your remarriage came as part of a package.  Although you don’t have to instantaneously love your step-child, you do love your husband or wife and your step-child is a part of them.  Treat them as if they were your own.
• Do not disparage the other parent.  This is the biggest mistake people make in their modern families.  Children of divorce have to make major adjustments in their lives, having to deal with this issue only makes it worse for them.  Remember what your parents taught you — If you have nothing good to say, keep your mouth shut!

There are also a few great books that you can turn to for help that I have personally read and were a great help to me:

• You’re Not My Mom!  Confessions of a Formerly “Wicked” Stepmother  — written by Kali and Elizabeth Schneiders — (the authors happen to be Stepmom and Stepdaughter)  Amazing!!!
• Stepmothers and Stepdaughters:  Relationships of Chance by Karen Annarino and Jean Blomquist — This is a great book!
• Stepmonster by Dr. Wednesday Martin
• The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal — This is a great book as well!

Facing adversity or road bumps is never easy, not even for us seasoned step-parents.   But if you step forward, make the necessary adjustments when need be, take care of yourself and your family, the path you travel can be positive and rewarding for both you and your modern family.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Ed Hartwell says that he doesn’t have stepkids

The Hartwells

Ed Hartwell is the former NFLer and husband to entrepreneur Lisa Wu Hartwell. Both Lisa and Ed star in “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” on BravoTv with their one-year-old son EJ. It’s Lisa’s two sons Jordan,14, and Justin,11,(dad is singer Keith Sweat) who do not star in the BravoTv reality series. Although he is not the biological father of Lisa’s sons with R&B singer Keith Sweat, Ed calls Jordan and Justin his sons all the same:

Me and my sons have a great relationship. I tell everyone I have three sons. They call me dad; I never say my stepkids, they are my sons. Every kid is different but they are both wonderful children. My eldest son is about to turn 14 and I have conversations with him that I can’t have with Justin. Jordan wants to train, so now we’re both training.

Ed does admit,however, that he does not have a good relationship with their father, Keith Sweat:

Not at all. The reason is because [when I started dating] Lisa there was a lot that I had to stop from happening. I had to lay down the law, man to man. Have I tried to work out some things and put our differences to the side for the sake of the kids? Absolutely. I don’t like to play games.

This story was first published on Black Celeb Kids. Click on the link to read more.

Blended Family Dads: Making Bones…or Building Character!

“It has been said that one can measure a persons greatness by seeing how much it takes to discourage them………”

My husband (left) and sons (center/right)

It is known that some step-fathers in blended families make no bones about establishing their positions in their respective units.  Some get along with their step children, others prefer to simply state their territory and do not say or do much to establish a mutual bond or common ground with their step-children at all.  Other step-dads come into the picture with their different hats on and ready to be involved in every aspect of their step-children’s lives, while others simply step back and take a neutral position and allow the bio-parent to parent alone.

When I married my husband, I had been widowed 6 years.  Being a single mother, one of my personal inner struggles was talking to my boys about things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about as a woman.  No matter what my heart felt with regard to my being able to parent as a mother and a father, I had to accept and realize that as a woman, I could not fill those shoes.  We can do our best job, but we cannot replace or begin to understand the things young teenage boys go through, and as a woman, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how good of a mother I was, I could NOT always relate. 

When I married my husband, my older boys were 15 and 16.  Everyone knows how teenagers can get on your last darn nerves.  They think they “know” everything about life and they actually know nothing at all.  This is an understatement in and of itself.  But, as much as my husband didn’t like their attitudes at times (more often than not), he still sat them down when they wanted to talk, he explained things to them about his life experiences,  gave advice to them about peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, etc., all the things that their bio father would have done had he not passed away.  He even did not hesitate to put one of them in his place when he got a little too cocky at one point with me.  No matter the situation, the boys know that my husband loves them and they love him back!  Most importantly, they trust him and they know he will protect them.

The older boys are grown men now (21 and 20) but they know they have a security blanket with their step-dad.  What I found to be really special is now, my 21 year old has his own son who is 10 months old.  He and my husband have had private talks about the mistakes my husband made as a young father and what it means to make sure you are ALWAYS there for your children.

On the flip side, I have a girlfriend who’s current husband cares nothing about her children and the children care nothing about him as a step-father.  They argue, fuss and fight constantly.  They have no mutual respect for one another or for themselves.  The step-father and children make no bones about not caring for one another.  As a step-mother myself, this is nothing short of a travesty.

Being a great step-dad is a trying job, I’m sure.  Wearing that hat requires strength, courage, humility, trust and confidence, especially during times when you feel like you may have stepped into a black hole of problems.  By being that man of character, you are teaching, building and strengthening your step-children’s future in many more ways than you know.

Some step-fathers come into the lives of children with no fathers (due to death — as in my case), dead-beat  fathers and some part-time fathers.  Some even come into the lives of children with great biological fathers who can appreciate the important role a step-father has in their child’s life and in the blended family unit.  All of these scenarios takes courage.  I give all props to ALL the BFSO step-dads who cherish and uplift not only their biological children, their step-children and their spouses lives, but to ALL those who set an awesome example for seasoned fathers, young fathers and all the future step-fathers of the world who may just happen to be reading this blog.   So, for those of you who have decided to build character instead of making bones……MY HATS OFF TO YOU!

P.S.  Thank you Randy, Desmond and Jay; three amazing step-dads I know and love!  Keep building character!

Di

Death and child custody!

In some of my earlier posts I spoke about being ill for nearly two years. At one point, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it or if I even wanted to. During that time I thought a lot about my son and what would happen to him if I died. Who would get custody of him, and how would that affect him?

My blended family situation is a bit different that others. My current husband and I have raised my biological son since he was 4 and he is now 12. He calls my husband dad. My husband has been there for every school performance, soccer game and recital. He coached his basketball team for 4 years. He’s wiped away tears, taught him how to ride a bike and overall, is a wonderful influence in his life. My son calls him dad because he is dad in every way that counts.

My son loves his biological father, but he is out of the country for 10 months of every year, and it has been hard for them to form the bond that my husband and son share. The type of bond that they share takes effort and time, and unfortunately for my ex, he isn’t present to put forth that effort and never has been.  Although I still encourage my ex and son’s relationship, I just don’t think it will ever be as strong as the bond that my husband and son share. Let me make it clear that I don’t want it to be this way as I firmly believe that my son will benefit from having a strong bond with both of his fathers. However, I, alone, can only do so much to make that happen.

So this brings me to the point of this post; who would I want to care for my son in the event of my untimely death? Answer…my husband!! I couldn’t imagine having my son’s world being completely torn a part due to my death and then be taken away from the only “dad” and full-time parent that he’s ever known. It would be absolutely devastating for him. Of course I would still want his bio-dad and second mom to be a huge part of his life, but I would want him to continue to be primarily raised by my husband. Not to mention that it would also devastate my husband if he lost his wife and son in the same year.

The burning questions that I’ve had since my illness are how do I make sure that husband remains the primary caregiver for my son if I were to die? Do I include it in my will? Do I have this conversation with my ex? Will my ex understand where I’m coming from and do what’s best for our son? Or, will my husband be faced with dealing with a vicious custody battle (he’s already said that he WOULD FIGHT) and my death simultaneously? Out of respect for my ex and because I don’t ever want him to feel as if I don’t want him in our son’s life, I think I’ll eventually have this conversation with him. I want it to first come from me and not some cold legal document. I really do think that he’ll understand.

What about you BFSO readers? Do any of you have similar situations? What plans have you made in the event of your death? Drop us a comment or send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

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