Diane and I received a question from a reader last week regarding vacationing WITHOUT his kids or stepkids. His wife wanted to keep it from his children until the last minute because she didn’t want them to be upset. However, he didn’t/doesn’t understand why his wife’s stepkids feel as if they are entitled to go. His stepkids expressed that it was unfair that they weren’t included in the vacationing plans.
In my opinon, although I think it’s completely normal for kids to be disappointed that mom and dad are going on vacation without them, I don’t feel the need to beat around the bush, or figure out a way to tell them (as if to ask their permission), that the adults/parents are going on vacation without them. This holds true if the children are older – which his are. In my opinion, it just feeds into that sense of entitlement.
As I told the reader, vacationing WITHOUT the kids, from time to time, is a great way to get some extended time just focusing on you as a couple, instead of you as parents/co-parents/step parents. Couples NEED that in order to nurture their marriage and be better partners and parents.
Below is the reader’s story. What do you think? How often do you vacation without your kids/stepkids?
READER QUESTION:
Hi Kela and Diane…
Wanted to pose a question for the advisory board if I may…
My wife and I are going on a vacation in a couple of weeks. Hawaii specifically. My wife didn’t want to tell her kids (pre-teens) until just before we were flying out. I didn’t quite understand this because my ex and I had travelled a number of times when my kids were younger and there was no problem with them knowing.
A few days before the planned disclosure date to her kids, I accidentally let the cat out of the bag at the dinner table. My wife was shocked and a little disappointed but she took the opportunity to explain the context of the trip.
Kids reacted fine at first, but then became mopey and expressed that they thought it was unfair that we go without them. I had not seen that there was any precedent set that they come on all trips with us. However, this is the first major trip my wife and I have taken together where we are gone for more than a few days to such an appealing place.
They came up with some of the most amazing rationalizations as to why this wasn’t fair and that they deserved to go. None of which made sense to me or my wife. We had launched a new business this past year and agreed that we would not take any holidays other than long weekends due to the commitment it required. Glad to say the first year has been a success so this is somewhat a reward for much hard work. It is also a sort of deferred honeymoon for us.
I just don’t see where the “we deserve to go with you”, thing comes from. I don’t recall feeling that way as a kid, nor did I experience that with my own kids when I was in my first marriage. I’ve spoken to a few friends, and the responses are mixed, but the majority see no problem with parents vacationing on their own and few have experienced much resistance. None on the level we just went through.
In the end, one of my step kids admitted he was envious. The other still contends it is just not fair. We are going all the same. I am paying for it. Fabulous arrangements have been made for kids to stay with a wonderful friend in a wonderful setting.
So, I know there aren’t many do’s or dont’s on an issue like this. Wondering if you can provide any thoughts or experiences. I was just left quite puzzled and perhaps feel a little guilty and bothered that my wife and I can’t take a well-earned vacation after a very hard-working year without such resistance and commotion.
If you are new to the uprising blended family phenomenon, what may seem like a colossal event really may just be a common blended family problem that can be combated with a little time, understanding and effort by all parties involved. As we all know, marriage is tough. Remarriage is even harder. Stir in a couple kids from one or both sides and you have a whole new set of dynamics. However, just like the art of baking, if you get your measurements down to science, you can come out with a great pastry. The same holds true with the blended family. As soon as you learn to (a) put your marriage first, (2) reframe and redirect your emotions and your reactions to certain situations, and (3) decide commit to not allowing discord to seep into your marriage, your blended family then becomes strong and life-giving. 
Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills. Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.
Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.
In a recent 
Being a step-parent takes perseverance. The stepdad experience can be challenging, and at the same time, rewarding for some men. For those going through the challenging times, I hope that this article will provide you some tools that you can use to get you through this time.
CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement! This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you. Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families. Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories. I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together. The contents are priceless. As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride. Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage. These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.
2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God. Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order. When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, 
7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent. In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them. They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name). The most important thing is that you are now family. Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them. The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal. Sometimes there may be disagreements. All families experience them sometimes. Do not make a mountain out of a molehill! Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love. At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing! Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent. Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children. After all, they are.
This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of 
A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship. A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means. However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand. This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage. Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child. However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide. It can be hard for the new parent to fit right into the rules of the family, they may not know if the teenager can borrow their credit card or how much allowance they should get. For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this? Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building? Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules? Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child. They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner) – period. In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?” Your answer is probably “no.” Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).
One of the most challenging and dynamic positions I have ever undertaken in my life is my role as a step-parent. Step-parenting can find some of its participants completely unprepared for the journey that lies before them. Taking on the joint responsibility of raising a child is not something one should take lightly. It is a huge responsibility that at times is not only challenging and intriguing, but can also be just as encouraging and rewarding in the long term. The Bible, in the Book of Esther, tells a beautiful story about Mordecai and Esther and their step-parent relationship. Esther’s parents unexpectedly died and Mordecai, even though he was a cousin, stepped into the role as Esther’s father. He loved her, took care of her and treated her as his own. The step-relationship has a long history and every family has bumps in the road toward a successful modern family. The word “step” originated from the word “steop” which has the meaning ”bereaved and deprived.” As such, being a step-parent can be an undaunting and sometimes under-appreciated task.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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