Blended Family Dads: Making Bones…or Building Character!

“It has been said that one can measure a persons greatness by seeing how much it takes to discourage them………”

My husband (left) and sons (center/right)

It is known that some step-fathers in blended families make no bones about establishing their positions in their respective units.  Some get along with their step children, others prefer to simply state their territory and do not say or do much to establish a mutual bond or common ground with their step-children at all.  Other step-dads come into the picture with their different hats on and ready to be involved in every aspect of their step-children’s lives, while others simply step back and take a neutral position and allow the bio-parent to parent alone.

When I married my husband, I had been widowed 6 years.  Being a single mother, one of my personal inner struggles was talking to my boys about things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about as a woman.  No matter what my heart felt with regard to my being able to parent as a mother and a father, I had to accept and realize that as a woman, I could not fill those shoes.  We can do our best job, but we cannot replace or begin to understand the things young teenage boys go through, and as a woman, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how good of a mother I was, I could NOT always relate. 

When I married my husband, my older boys were 15 and 16.  Everyone knows how teenagers can get on your last darn nerves.  They think they “know” everything about life and they actually know nothing at all.  This is an understatement in and of itself.  But, as much as my husband didn’t like their attitudes at times (more often than not), he still sat them down when they wanted to talk, he explained things to them about his life experiences,  gave advice to them about peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, etc., all the things that their bio father would have done had he not passed away.  He even did not hesitate to put one of them in his place when he got a little too cocky at one point with me.  No matter the situation, the boys know that my husband loves them and they love him back!  Most importantly, they trust him and they know he will protect them.

The older boys are grown men now (21 and 20) but they know they have a security blanket with their step-dad.  What I found to be really special is now, my 21 year old has his own son who is 10 months old.  He and my husband have had private talks about the mistakes my husband made as a young father and what it means to make sure you are ALWAYS there for your children.

On the flip side, I have a girlfriend who’s current husband cares nothing about her children and the children care nothing about him as a step-father.  They argue, fuss and fight constantly.  They have no mutual respect for one another or for themselves.  The step-father and children make no bones about not caring for one another.  As a step-mother myself, this is nothing short of a travesty.

Being a great step-dad is a trying job, I’m sure.  Wearing that hat requires strength, courage, humility, trust and confidence, especially during times when you feel like you may have stepped into a black hole of problems.  By being that man of character, you are teaching, building and strengthening your step-children’s future in many more ways than you know.

Some step-fathers come into the lives of children with no fathers (due to death — as in my case), dead-beat  fathers and some part-time fathers.  Some even come into the lives of children with great biological fathers who can appreciate the important role a step-father has in their child’s life and in the blended family unit.  All of these scenarios takes courage.  I give all props to ALL the BFSO step-dads who cherish and uplift not only their biological children, their step-children and their spouses lives, but to ALL those who set an awesome example for seasoned fathers, young fathers and all the future step-fathers of the world who may just happen to be reading this blog.   So, for those of you who have decided to build character instead of making bones……MY HATS OFF TO YOU!

P.S.  Thank you Randy, Desmond and Jay; three amazing step-dads I know and love!  Keep building character!

Di

Death and child custody!

In some of my earlier posts I spoke about being ill for nearly two years. At one point, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it or if I even wanted to. During that time I thought a lot about my son and what would happen to him if I died. Who would get custody of him, and how would that affect him?

My blended family situation is a bit different that others. My current husband and I have raised my biological son since he was 4 and he is now 12. He calls my husband dad. My husband has been there for every school performance, soccer game and recital. He coached his basketball team for 4 years. He’s wiped away tears, taught him how to ride a bike and overall, is a wonderful influence in his life. My son calls him dad because he is dad in every way that counts.

My son loves his biological father, but he is out of the country for 10 months of every year, and it has been hard for them to form the bond that my husband and son share. The type of bond that they share takes effort and time, and unfortunately for my ex, he isn’t present to put forth that effort and never has been.  Although I still encourage my ex and son’s relationship, I just don’t think it will ever be as strong as the bond that my husband and son share. Let me make it clear that I don’t want it to be this way as I firmly believe that my son will benefit from having a strong bond with both of his fathers. However, I, alone, can only do so much to make that happen.

So this brings me to the point of this post; who would I want to care for my son in the event of my untimely death? Answer…my husband!! I couldn’t imagine having my son’s world being completely torn a part due to my death and then be taken away from the only “dad” and full-time parent that he’s ever known. It would be absolutely devastating for him. Of course I would still want his bio-dad and second mom to be a huge part of his life, but I would want him to continue to be primarily raised by my husband. Not to mention that it would also devastate my husband if he lost his wife and son in the same year.

The burning questions that I’ve had since my illness are how do I make sure that husband remains the primary caregiver for my son if I were to die? Do I include it in my will? Do I have this conversation with my ex? Will my ex understand where I’m coming from and do what’s best for our son? Or, will my husband be faced with dealing with a vicious custody battle (he’s already said that he WOULD FIGHT) and my death simultaneously? Out of respect for my ex and because I don’t ever want him to feel as if I don’t want him in our son’s life, I think I’ll eventually have this conversation with him. I want it to first come from me and not some cold legal document. I really do think that he’ll understand.

What about you BFSO readers? Do any of you have similar situations? What plans have you made in the event of your death? Drop us a comment or send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Relationships of Chance: by Diane Greene

I have been reading a lot lately about relationships involving the blended family and the stigma that is often times placed on the second wife as the “wicked step-mom.”  Some of the time, this label is placed by the ex-wife; of which the attitude is taken up by the children. Unfortunately, sometimes it might just be an appropriate title.  Everyone has their own experiences.   

I have a great step-mother.  She is a very intelligent, strong, career-oriented, educated and loving woman.  We haven’t had a lot of one-on-one time together because she became my step-mother when I was already grown and had children, but she has taught me many things about life.  We have a great friendship.  I know I can always count on her for a balanced, fair opinion.  She never bad mouths my mother.  They don’t have any kind of communication, but she reserves her judgment (if she has any — I don’t know) and never says a bad word, only encouraging ones.  

My step-mother had one biological child that she tragically lost when he was only a mere 18 years old.   So, to her, we are her children, too; not just because of the death, but because that’s how she is, and  I am grateful for our friendship. 

I am also a step-mom to a precious 11 year old girl.  Just like me, she did not ask to be a part of a blended family.  But, my hope is that the relationship I hold with my step-daughter will not only be a relationship of chance, but one of a fond, profound friendship that will last a lifetime.  I know when I was growing up in a divorced family, I didn’t like to be different.  All of my friends’ parents were together and I was the only one whose parents were divorced.  I was the only one being raised by single mom.  I always dreamed of my mom and dad being back together; to say at times I felt alone is an understatement.  I am sure there are lots of readers who felt the same way.  I believe all children of divorce have these same feelings at one point or another.  As a child, these things are difficult to understand so having gone through it myself, I try to do my best to make things different for my step-daughter. 

One thing I know is that one reason why my relationship with my step-daughter continues to grow is due to the role model that her mother is in her life.  My step-daughter’s relationship with both me and her step-father is due in large part to what she has been taught by her mother and her father.  Both of them encourage the bonds she shares with us as her step-parents.  This is  important and I cannot stress this enough.  These relationships are gifts both for my step-daughter and for us as step-parents. 

With my step-daughter,  my job is to develop traditions and experiences with her that one day she will look back upon as invaluable.   I try to teach her things that she will remember about our time together.  Who knows, maybe one day she will be a step-mom and will look back on her life for the answers.   One thing I have made clear is I will never try to take the place of her mom, but I cherish our relationship which I believe has become a strong friendship that will last a lifetime!

As I always say, children live what they learn.  If we as parents teach our children that it’s okay to love and have relationships separate from us with their step-parents (putting aside our own emotional feelings because remember — it’s not about US) we will find not only happier children, but we are giving them invaluable gifts and lessons to take on to their adult lives.

I am interested in others feelings on this subject.  Let me know what you think!

Peace and Blessings,

Di

An Ex-Wife Wants to Smack Other Ex-Wives!

I was perusing my blog favorites this morning and ran across a very interesting and insightful post, written by one of my favorite ex-wives on Adventures in Divorce. She exudes what I’ve been talking about all along on this blog; that it’s okay to have certain feelings of jealousy and ego, as an ex-wife, when your ex moves on, but you can’t act on those feelings by using your children as pawns. It’s just plain wrong! At any rate, read her post below, entitled, ‘Please be a Little Selfish. I’m sure you’ll find it insightful as well.

If you’re going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it….. I love my kids, but I love my “me time” as well. Ok, I’m being facetious and extreme here with the “selfish and self centered” characterization, but really….. I feel like it’s a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they’re not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don’t have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don’t have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don’t have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I’m looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I’m going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we’re picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he’s going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn’t let him go because it’s not his dad’s weekend and because he would be going with me (she’d expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please…. let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I’d be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she’s been busy finishing up her Master’s program and needs him out of her hair anyway…. or maybe because now she’s boo’d up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably…. but whatever, I’m looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I’m a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile……..or perhaps I’m just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he’d like. I may miss them, but I know they’ll be back and I know they’re well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children’s lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don’t need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to “show him a thing or two” and not let him see his child…. please, for your child’s sake, be a little “selfish”.

Blended Family Vacations

I just got back from taking a vacation with my husband and son. We had a wonderful time in St. Louis, although our vacation was cut short due to bad weather. It’s Spring and we expected mild weather, around 50 degrees or so and sunny, but instead St. Louis was expecting blizzard conditions on the day we decided to leave! In spite of it all, however, we enjoyed visiting their spectacular Science Center and the Arch was amazing as well.

We try to take a vacation at least twice a year. In the beginning of our marriage it was quite difficult. My husband and I would always try to coordinate our vacations around when my stepson could go, but it NEVER WORKED OUT! Something always came up, at the last minute, that prevented my stepson from going and prevented us from going altogether. The Wicked Ex always had some excuse as to why he couldn’t go or why he couldn’t visit during his court ordered visitation time (when we planned our vacations). This kid has attended so many weddings, funerals and birthday parties, it’s ridiculous.  Needless to say, my stepson has NEVER been on a vacation with us, despite him wanting to go and us wanting him to go.

We used to just say “forget it” and we wouldn’t go on vacation at all. But then I realized that the only people who were missing out was us because my stepson was still going on vacation with his mom and stepdad. It was my son who was never going anywhere because we were allowing the ex to dictate our schedule. We were doing this by saying that we weren’t going anywhere until she allowed my stepson to go. Well, we would never go on vacation if we did that, so eventually we decided that we were going whether my stepson was in attendance or not. We still make every effort to include my stepson in our plans, but our plans don’t fall through if he can’t go.  We plan our vacations around what’s conveninet and feasible for our family; not what’s convenient for my stepson or when his mom will allow him to go.

Aside from The Wicked Ex’s every attempt to exclude her son from our family activities, we also realized that our sons live in different states and therefore they have very different school schedules.  For example, they are never on spring break at the same time; which makes it impossible for us to plan vacations together during this time. It’s also another reason why we pleaded with the ex to change the visitation schedule. K used to come during his spring break when M was still in school. Not only did this disrupt M’s routine, but it also prevented K from enjoying his spring break. Because M was in school, there was no staying up late, playing during the week, or going on vacation. It was a situation that was truly unfair to both of them. As such, we requested either extra weekends or an extra week during the summer to make up for this time, but of course she wanted no part of it. In the end, we just decided not to exercise our visitation during this time whether she allowed us to make it up or not. Now, K actually enjoys his spring break with her and her current husband. They plan vacations during this time with him. Although I know she knows that I was right all along, she’ll never admitt it. But that’s okay, because I do what’s best for the children and never make decisions based on how difficult I can make it for her!

Other blended families experience different issues when planning a vacation together. Some use it as a time to bring their family closer together. When the kids aren’t getting along, your kids aren’t excepting your new spouse or their blended family, sometimes a mini vacation (too many days could backfire on you) is just what the therapist ordered. Taking a vacation for a few days, close to home, can help in gradually bringing your family closer together, especially if you’re consistent with creating this new family tradition. However, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure everyone feels included in this new tradition.

1. Have a family meeting to allow everyone to give ideas about where to go.
2. Make sure you have adequate hotel or resort space at your destination.
3. Make sure that both bio and step children are included in decisions about activities that the family will enjoy together. Notice that I bolded the word ‘included.’ Including them doesn’t mean that you give them the power to make the decision. It means that you give them the opportunity to give suggestions. As the adults, you make the final decisions in deciding what the compromise will be.
4. Keep it short. Don’t try to plan week long or longer vacations, especially with a newly formed blended family. In the traditional family, after too many days together in close quarters, you start getting on each other’s nerves. As such, it might be even more tense in a blended family situation, so limit your vacation time to 4 days or less.

What about you BFSO readers? We want to hear about your blended family vacation horror stories. Send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com or drop us a comment to let us know. Oh, and when you get a moment check out the links above for the St.Louis Science Center and the St.Louis Arch. You might want to consider St. Louis for your next vacation spot after doing so. We had a blast!

Chris Brown’s Stepfather Speaks Out

The story of Chris Brown’s blended family is another example of how a blended family can go horribly wrong! This is also proof that children live what they learn (as Diane always says).

This story was found in OK Magazine.

Donnelle Hawkins, the stepfather Chris Brown said he wanted to kill over his treatment of his mother, now says he’s not surprised that Chris is in trouble for allegedly beating up girlfriend Rihanna, and that he never hit the superstar’s mother.

“I never once raised my hand to his mother,” Donnelle says. “It just never happened.”

However, in a 2007 interview, Chris told a different side of the story: “He used to hit my mom… He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself,” Chris revealed. “I remember one night he made her nose bleed. I was crying and thinking, ‘I’m just gonna go crazy on him one day…’ I hate him to this day.”

Donnelle, who is blind after accidentally shooting himself in the eye during an argument with Joyce Brown Hawkins, says Chris is blaming the wrong person.

“I believe that Chris is making these allegations because it is a way of not accepting responsibility of his own actions. Somebody has to be at fault, the scapegoat, and who else but me?” says Donnelle. “He blames me for taking his mom away from his dad, even though it didn’t happen like that. Whatever issues he has, whether he thinks they come from me or not, he needs to get help for, get counseling.”

He also denies hitting Chris, saying he only spanked him one time in the seven years they lived together in Tappahannock, Va.

“The one time I did raise my hand to spank him I guess he was 11 and he started hitting his mother,” Donnelle insists. “I felt it was time for me to step up and do what I needed to do to stop the situation.”

Of hearing that Chris had been arrested for alleged domestic assault, Donnelle says, “It was sad news. I’m sympathetic for Christopher and Rihanna. It’s an unfortunate incident that neither one of them deserved or should have encountered.”

I send them my prayers. And Chris in particularly, I’m very proud of his success, but whatever issues he has, whether they are the ones you claim came from me or whatever the situations are, you just need to focus on that and get counseling and the help that you need. We, as your fans and people that know you, don’t want to hear of anything like this again. And whatever resentment or hatred he has towards me I just pray that it will stop.”

 My Two Cents: Clearly Mr. Donelle Hawkins is lying when claiming never to have even raised a hand to Chris’s mother. Most people don’t shoot themselves in the eye while arguing with their wife. Most people don’t argue with guns in their hands. If you are, you are clearly a violent person and Mr. Hawkins, you should hold yourself accountable for the role you played in Chris’s life that led him to this point.

Chris Brown, remember that your past circumstances do not define who you are. You can make a choice not to be your stepfather. You didn’t have much power back then, but now that you’re all grown up, you have the power to be responsible for your own choices. You can choose to be a different person at this point. If you continue to do what you learned, you are still giving him that power over you. Keep reminding yourself that he no longer possesses it [power].

BFSO wishes all the best to both Rhianna AND Chris. Although we don’t condone domestic violence for ANY reason, we realize that in this situation, Chris Brown in a victim, too. Rhianna is a victim of Chris Brown and Chris is a victim of his stepfather. We hope that they BOTH seek counseling to work out their respective issues.

Attempting to Understand

I promised all of my readers that you will get nothing but open honesty from me regarding my blended family issues. Additionally, you will get my honest feedback about what has worked and what has not. Furthermore, you will get honest content regarding what I believe my issues are/were that may have contributed to some of my blended family issues. This post will be no different – honest!

My ex and I were together for almost 6 years, and at one point we actually had a pretty good relationship. If nothing else, after all of those years and a child, I feel as though we should be able to move past all of the bickering about who did what and why. At this point, I’m all about solutions. We have an 11 year old son who I don’t want to be affected by our mistakes, and I told my ex that today.

Without going into too much detail, today is the first day I decided to be completely open and honest with my ex. Although we don’t have as many heated discussions as we did before regarding our son, we still have them from time to time. But, I feel as if those discussions are/were unproductive. As such, today wasn’t about trying to persuade him to adopt my way of thinking. It was more about attempting to truly understand him and him understand me. Usually, although I’ve learned a little bit of tact over the years, I am ready to rebuttal any and everything he has to say. This time, however, I honestly spoke my piece and actually listened (hoping to understand) to him. What I learned is this – I don’t know why he has made the decisions that he has made in the past, but I do know that I don’t believe that he possessed any malicious intent when making those decisions. I honestly believe that he is pulled in a number of different directions, and he just doesn’t know what to do. Now, while this isn’t acceptable for my son, I sort of understand where he is coming from.  I hope one day that he can gain some clarity regarding his own life – figure out his priorities, learn how to balance his relationships and still work on being a better father and person.

It’s amazing how certain decisions will follow you for the rest of your life! I hope that those after me will learn how important it is to be careful, maybe even strategic, when choosing a mate. Additionally, I hope that those same individuals will think carefully about when to have a child and who to have that child with. Certain decisions can not be undone, and often times you will spend the rest of your life trying to correct those decisions. Like me, for example, me and my ex will forever be connected because we share a child. We MUST learn to communicate effectively, trust each other and continually attempt to provide our child a life that he deserves. A part of that deserving life are parents that get along and will also do what’s in his best interest.

A relationship of any sort takes time and lots of work. But, the blended family needs a lot more so make sure you’re willing to devote that type of energy before entering into this type of family. Ideally, we would all like to think that love conquers all, but this just isn’t true so try not to get caught up in the fairytale of love. Instead, carefully examine your potential mate before deciding to enter into something that will take a lifetime to get out of.

Now Let’s Talk About My Ex

All of my posts have mainly been about one side of my dysfunctional blended family, and that’s the side that includes my husband, his ex-wife, and their son.  Because I never want to insinuate that all my blended family issues are unilateral in nature, I feel it’s only fair to discuss the other side of my blended family. Although we don’t have nearly as many problems with my ex as we do with my husband’s, there’s still quite a bit to talk about.

So, now let’s talk about my ex, who is my son’s biological father. The reason I emphasize that he is my son’s biological father is because when I do refer to my son’s father most know that I am referring to the man that has raised him for the past 7 of his 11 years, and that’s my husband.

At any rate, my ex is a professional basketball player (overseas) who has been physically absent from my son’s life since he was in the womb.  We were together for nearly 6 years, including the first few years of my son’s life, but we parted ways when my son was 3 years old. Even though we were technically together for the first few years of our son’s life, my son never saw him as daddy because we lived in separate countries for 10 months out of the year. When I met my current husband is when my son finally started to experience life with a full-time father, and my ex was livid. He didn’t want another man to be involved with his son in a way that he couldn’t be out of fear that he might be replaced, and he surely was. My husband became actively involved in my son’s life. He coached him in basketball, baseball and soccer; attended school plays; had father/son time which is still referred to as bachelor night; and overall, was a prominent male figure in his life. After about 2 years my son started referring to my husband as dad. At that point, my ex’s ego had gotten the best of him and he petitioned the court claiming that I was keeping my son away from him and teaching him to call another man dad. However, he neglected to reveal to the Judge that his only involvement, since birth, in my son’s life was/is 8 weeks out of every year. Furthermore, he also didn’t tell the Judge that he lied to the court about how much money he was making so that he didn’t have to pay a fair amount of child support. Additionally, he had never attended a soccer, basketball, baseball game, school play, teacher’s conference, nor had he ever taken him to the doctor, attended a birthday party or any other normal activity that real parents participate in. So, my attorney and I decided that we would just let him hang himself as we knew the Judge would ask such questions, and she did.

The Judge was appauled by the fact that my ex had wasted all of our time bringing such a matter to court knowing that he was not nor had he ever been a father to my son. She told him that it was bad enough that he could not be physically present in his son’s life, but he had enough nerve to try to cheat him financially, and try to enforce ridiculous rules on my life (meaning, he couldn’t call any other man dad, but him). The Judge bascially laughed after throwing the book at him and calling him a poor excuse for a man.  As a result, my ex is partly financially responsible for my son’s daily care, but he is still physically absent from his life. Although he still struggles with another man raising his son, after 7 years he is learning to accept it. We don’t have nearly as many heated unproductive discussions about it now as we did 7 years ago.

But, now we are entering the next phase of our blended family which I will call unanswered questions. I always told my ex to be careful of the decisions that he made regarding our son because he wasn’t always going to be a baby. I explained to him that when he got older he was going to have questions regarding his absence from his life. Well, at age 11, we have now arrived at that point. My son wants to know why everyone and everything else has always been more important than him. And although he loves his stepmom (who we’ll talk about in another post) and his little half brother, he is very angry with and disappointed in his biological father. So, my husband and I constantly reassure him that he has a mother and a father who adore him and have always been and will always be there for him. I used to try and tell him that his biological father still loves him even though he is not present, but that doesn’t work anymore. Additionally, I don’t feel like I should have to make excuses for his behavior. He needs to be telling him the things that my husband and I do. As such, my husband and I only speak for ourselves and reaffirm our love for him.

So here’s a message to all of you father’s out there: Remember that if the choices you make regarding your child turn out to negatively affect him, it’s nobody’s fault but yours. Don’t blame your ex and tell everyone that she’s keeping the child away from you. Instead, take responsibility for your actions, be consistent in your child’s life and communicate with your ex.

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