Six Things in the Remarried Co-Parent’s Survival Toolbox

Co-Parenting Plan

The first thing the remarried co-parent should have is a detailed, mutually agreed upon, co-parenting plan. He or she should have one within their household and with their former spouse. Remarried couples and divorced co-parents need to stop making it up as they go along and talk about it, prior to divorce or remarriage. Talk about how to handle discipline, visitation, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. because when you are suddenly confronted with these decisions and emotions are high, those emotions usually dictate your decision making. As such, you end up making a decision based on how you feel instead of what’s best for everyone.

Family Mission Statement

 Arm yourself with a good family mission statement, which all the members of your household are active participants in creating. Remember that especially because this family wasn’t organically made, some effort will need to go into building and maintaining it. Talk about how you want to connect as a family and make every member feel included in this process.

Stepfamily Coach

 Be sure to have a good stepfamily coach/counselor on speed dial as it’s not always helpful to listen to those well-meaning family members and friends. Talking to someone who is experienced and knowledgeable on the issues that you will undoubtedly face will be helpful as you navigate through your remarried co-parenting journey.

Drama Free Date Night

Drama free date night, at least once per month, is a must! Stay connected to your spouse; remember that he or she is your biggest support system.

No Judgment Zone Problem/Solution Box

 No judgment zone problem/solution box is a simple box that is placed in your house for everyone, including the children, to freely drop their concerns in to be addressed. Overall, everyone in the stepfamily just wants to be appreciated and respected and heard! One of the biggest problems that I have discovered with stepfamilies is that they don’t communicate, unless they are fighting about an issue. The stepmom does what she thinks is expected of her. The divorced dad is often the man caught in the middle as he tries to please both women (ex-wife and wife), and the kids feel like they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. Stepmoms don’t hold it in; voice your concerns. Divorced dads, tell your wives how you feel. Kids, we know this isn’t easy for you and we want you to know that we acknowledge how you feel. A problem/solution box gives everyone a voice and shows that you are working to find a solution that mostly works for everyone. More importantly, it allows the children to feel a part of the unit instead of feeling caught in the middle. It also shows them that the success of the family is also dependent upon their active participation.

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations when entering into a stepfamily. Remember, that stepfamilies do not and cannot operate as first families do and it will take time and a conscious effort to build and maintain your modern family. Relationships take time and effort to build, but not force. Establishing realistics expectations in the beginning will minimize hurt feelings and chaos.

Brady Bunch Syndrome

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

Bust Up the Junk and Declutter Your Life In 2011

Modern family members whether you are a single, same sex, step or bio parent and everyone in between, 2011 is your year to bust up the clutter in your life.  Clutter makes its way into our lives in forms ranging from petty issues with the ex, the stress of being a single parent, too much work and not enough play, ignoring your own self-comfort and mental well-being and just plain drama! 

2011 is your year Readers to bust and declutter.  In order to truly be happy, we need to have peace.  In order to have peace, we have to commit to removing what stresses us out and causes us to clutter our lives not just with “things” but also with the junk drama, the junk friendships, the junk relationships, the junk period. 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

We’ve all heard the phrase Lather, Rinse, Repeat!  This is going to be my mantra for the new year.  When I feel myself being stressed out I am going to use that phrase to help get me back on track.  When it comes to people in my life, whether that be at work or in my personal life, if it stresses me out, I am going to Lather, Rinse and Repeat by washing that stress right out of my life.  How you might ask?  Here are a few tips:

1. Take time for yourself!  This years No. 1 priority.  YOU!  Take a day off work and allocate that day all to yourself.  Go buy some good fruit, healthy snacks, a few not so healthy snacks if you like, and veg out!  One of my favorite things to do is to rent a hotel room for a night all to myself.  I don’t skimp either.  I get a nice room, with hot tub, a pool and I live it up.
2. Let go of unhealthy relationships!  If you are in a relationship that constantly stresses you out or one that you realize you are the only person putting anything into the relationship then my advice is to get rid of it!
3. Incorporate something entirely new.  I recently discovered Yoga.  I always have heard rave reviews about yoga from friends and co-workers, so I tried a session.  It is not just a great way to exercise, but also to release your mind of unnecessary junk.
4. Keep a journal.  I have always loved to express my thoughts on paper.  I was given a beautiful journal for Christmas and I plan on putting it to good use in 2011.  Journals give you a way to express your inner most thoughts, cares, joys and sorrows while at the same time giving you an outlet for healing.
5. Do unto others.  Doing something nice makes us stronger human beings.  When you do unto others, you do unto yourself as well.  You give yourself the gift of personal power to bless others.  The end result…blessings return to you.
6. Channel your inner rebel.  When your willpower is wearing you down, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  Shop until you drop for the day, invite your good girl or boyfriends out and hit a good restaurant or maybe even the jazz club for the evening.  Have some good fun!

What we are really doing by de-junking, busting and decluttering our lives is making room for the real blessings we deserve.  There is a great quote from the poet Rumi which says “Let the beauty we love be what we do.“  This is a simple principal and a reminder that we do not have to hold on to extra drama and stress in our lives.  Let the beauty we love be what we do.  It’s just that simple.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

Are Step-Parents Real Parents?

In doing some recent research about the relationships step-parents share with their step-children, I was refreshed with an article I read a while back, a few years after first becoming a stepmom.   The article begged a post here on Todays Modern Family not just because of its relevancy, but because of the importance it holds not just for step-parents facing this issue, but for gay and lesbian couples as well.  I recently experienced such an experience with my step-daughter and I just had to post this article in its entirety for our readers.  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding same.

Are Step-Parents Real Parents:  Published by Time Magazine (Circa 2006)

This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans – anyone in a stepfamily.  But you’ll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.

The case comes out of Washington State. Sue Carvin and Page Britain were lesbians living together since 1989. Their baby, L., was born in 1995, using an at-home artificial insemination kit and some sperm donated from their gay friend. Page Britain carried L. and gave birth, but Sue Carvin became the stay-at-home mom while Page worked to support the family. Their child called Sue “Mama” and Page “Mommy.”

For several years they were a model of lesbian co-parenting. But Page grew upset that Sue didn’t earn much money, and Sue was hurt that Page didn’t recognize the value of her sacrifice. They split up when L. was seven years old. Ever since, they’ve been fighting for custody in the courts. Or sort of. Because the courts couldn’t agree on whether Sue Carvin even had the right to fight for custody. She nurtured the child, but she wasn’t the biological mother. So what was she, in the eyes of the law?

Washington State decided that Sue Carvin has the right to argue she’s a “de facto” parent. This new classification can apply to any non-biological parental figure – and it specifically mentions stepparents. So while the case appears on first glance to be about gay-and-lesbian rights, it may have a far broader impact.

Consider that for every 1,000 couples with children in the United States, only two of those couples are same-sex-oriented. Meanwhile, thanks to the huge number of second marriages, a third of all Americans are part of a stepfamily. The question “Are they real parents?” applies not just to gays and lesbians – it applies to every stepfamily. That’s what the kids are testing when they angrily scream, “You’re not my real mommy!” And when the biological mother hears that her son has been spanked by his stepmother, she wonders, “She can’t do that, can she?”

While we closely monitor how gay rights are granted and taken away, we pay almost no attention to the fact that stepparents are in the same legal limbo. Despite being ubiquitous, step-relationships are rarely recognized by the law. In most states, stepparents are considered “legal strangers” even if they have cared for and supported a stepchild for years. They have almost no official responsibility and barely any rights.

What kind of rights are they deprived of? Some are remarkably banal. For instance a stepparent can’t sign a child’s school report card or field-trip permission form. Others are significant. A stepfather can’t include his stepdaughter on his family health insurance plan, for example. And she can’t inherit from him when he dies.

In the last few years, state family courts have tried to accommodate the stepparents and stepchildren who appear before them, without granting so much that it subtracts rights from a biological parent. In Colorado a stepparent can now sign the form that allows a minor to apply for a driver’s license. And in Oregon, a stepparent can petition the courts for visitation of former stepchildren, if that marriage has ended. In Arkansas, it’s even theoretically possible now for a stepparent to win custody over a biological parent. But in each state it’s a different story, and many states are still in denial.

So a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can’t sue.

The legal field is sitting on a huge time bomb. One-third of Americans are just one unfortunate circumstance away from ending up in court demanding their rights – where they will be told that those relationships aren’t real, and don’t count.

The U.S. Supreme Court has never been pressed to rule whether a stepparent is a real parent, and if so, under what conditions. But when it declined to review Britain v. Carvin, Washington State’s test for “de facto” parents instantly became a model for other states to replicate. Through a case everyone thought was about gay rights, stepfamilies just opened the door to the recognition they truly deserve.

Over the next 10 years, there will be an explosion of cases testing just how “real” stepparents are. This will never get the attention surrounding same-sex cases, because stepfamilies are just as populous in red states as blue, and no politician can use it to their advantage. Nor are stepfamilies subjected to the same degree of prejudice. Stepparents might be vilified, but they are vilified one at a time – not as a class. However, the systematic bias against them is very real.

Just as the law prefers parents to be one male and one female, the law prefers to limit the number of parents to two. Maybe this is because two is the number of people it takes to make a child in the first place. Maybe it’s because all the government forms are already printed with two signature lines. Maybe it’s because two worked so well for us for so long. But that hasn’t been the reality for several decades, and it’s time for the law to catch up.

Give me your thoughts TMF readers, we would love to hear your opinions on this subject!

You can read the full article at:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1195205,00.html#ixzz0yHi6btPl

#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

The Overcompensating Divorced Parent

There’s no doubt about it; divorce is a difficult thing for all involved parties to deal with. Divorced parents agonize over the guilty feelings and anxiety regarding their children post divorce. They feel guilt because they’ve hurt them and become anxious about whether or not their children will love or like them anymore. This is especially true for the non-custodial parent who does not get to see his children as often as he did prior to the divorce. As a result, many non-custodial parents overcompensate by doing at least one (usually all) of the following:

1. They turn into the “funhouse” or “disneyland” parent; making every visitation the biggest party of the year. They shower them with expensive gifts, dinners and whatever else they want. There is no sense of normalcy during these visits.
2. They spend the rest of their lives apologizing for the divorce and using the divorce as an excuse for their children’s bad behavior. For example, a divorced parent might say, “She just called you a bitch because she’s hurt as a result of the divorce,” (even though the divorce happened 8 years prior).
3. Numbers 2 and 3 usually go hand in hand. Parents may let their children do whatever they want with few rules and little to no consequences. While they make excuses for their bad behavior they allow them to avoid consequences simultaneously.

Parents must realize that their children will encounter many difficult situations, trials and tribulations throughout their life time and it’s important that through it all, we raise children who grow up and contribute to the world in some way instead of believing that the world owes them something.

When divorced parents overcompensate due to guilt, it may satisfy them in the short-term, but there are long-term consequences as a result. These children don’t just grow up and learn; they become products of the world that you alter for them. If they learn and are allowed to manipulate everyone and use the divorce as excuse, then they become the manipulative adult who manipulates and blames everyone for his or her shortcomings. For example, if you spend your child’s whole live giving him or her a bunch of excuses for their behavior, they will do the same as they get older. Instead of being accountable for his or her actions it becomes everyone else’s fault. I got a bad grade because the teacher didn’t like me. I didn’t do well in the baseball game because the ref didn’t like me. I don’t have any friends because everyone hates me. All the while these type of kids never ever stop to think that it could be them!

As parents, it is our instinct to protect our children from all hurt and pain. As the mother of a five week old, I know how intense this feeling is from the very beginning of their life. You just want your kids to be happy all the time, but the reality is that experiences can evoke happiness, sadness, pain, anger and all kinds of emotions. It is best to teach our children to deal with these emotions properly instead of protecting them from something that is inevitable – pain. Instead of creating unlikeable adults, let your children grow and learn from their painful situations as they will undoubtedly experience many more throughout their lifetime. Remember, your children depend on you to remain their parent and never reverse that role out of guilt.

Favorite Child…Is It Ok or Betrayal?

The subject is taboo.  It’s unheard of for a parent to admit that he or she has a favorite child.  However, research says otherwise.  A recent research survey conducted by Netmums, one of the UK’s most popular websites, indicates that one out of every six mothers has a favorite child.  In this study, over 1000 mothers were surveyed and 16% admitted that they had a favorite child.

I am sure some of you readers have felt at times like you had more in common with one of your children over the other.  At times, I have wondered how I had 3 boys that were so entirely different from one another.  I understand that differences are what makes each of your children unique and individual, but on the other hand, those same differences are also what makes them more likable, easier to love, etc. due to the fact that one child may constantly cause disruptions and stress and the other may not.  In that case,  it would be normal to have feelings of favoritism.

Albeit hard to admit,  I think the studies performed so far are wrong.  Because there is so much shame in having these feelings,  I am sure there are plenty more mothers that feel this way, but just can’t bring themselves to admit it, due to the suppression of their feelings. Once again, it’s a taboo subject, especially for a mother.  On the other hand, it’s more acceptable for fathers to have these feelings about their children. For example, a father may prefer to spend more time with his son because of common interest, as opposed to having a tea party or attending a beauty pageant with his daughter.

Dr. Ellen Weber-Libby, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. states, in her very interesting article entitled “Do Parents Have Favorite Children?”, that having these feelings are very normal and exist in every family.   She goes on to discuss the fact that no two children are identical which makes it impossible for any two children to be treated the same.

Some would say that favoring one child over the other is cruel.  Dr. Weber-Libby states, “Favoritism becomes cruel when consistently the same child is singled out for preferential treatment awarded because of parental bias. This child may be one of many or an only child. What is important is that the rewards experienced by the child reflect parental need to emotionally indulge the child and not the child’s behavior.” With that, Dr. Weber-Libby goes on to state, “When parents hold favorite children accountable to the same standards as other children, then the presence of cruelty is unlikely.”

We here at Today’s Modern Family are of the belief that healthy dialogue and discussion promotes change.  Being armed with this information, I wanted to conduct my own survey of our Today’s Modern Family readers.  Tell me, do you have a favorite child?  If so, do you suppress your feelings regarding the issue?  Or, are you of the opinion that having a favorite child is cruel and unusual?  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent – EVER!

Life After Divorce

There is no easy answer to divorce.  Every family that experiences divorce experiences pain, grief, anger, fear, guilt and especially feelings of sheer sadness.

If you have suddenly been confronted with single parenthood as a result of a divorce, it is a crucial time for you to realize that you must accept change as best you can and move toward revitalization of you and your children’s lives.  However, that is always easier said than done.  An important factor to look for and to seek out during this crucial time is a good support system.  An example can be your church pastor or group, a private professional counselor trained to handle these issues, a good friend or even members of your own family.  You will need help getting acclimated to your new position and, at times, this can be relatively hard to handle alone while you are going through all the emotional changes divorce can bring.

Another important factor to apply is positivity.  Being positive will help during challenging times.  Again, you might say, “easier said than done.”  I agree.  However, focusing on the negative aspects of your situation gets you where?  Exactly….. absolutely no where!  Not to mention, constant negativity makes a child’s transition in divorce ten times as hard to trudge through.  First, they have to deal with what some have compared to a “death” blow to their entire existence with their parents divorcing so in fact, negativity (i.e., involving them in grown folks business or disparagement of your ex-spouse, etc.) during this time only causes them further pain.

If you are in a new remarriage and trying to reinvent and reinvigorate your family, it is so important to communicate with your children about the changes taking place in their lives.  Children are smart and know when things have gone awry in their lives.  They are still in a very fragile acceptance mode with a new remarriage and need stability and lots of care.  Predictability fosters security for children.  Not allowing their whole life to change because of your divorce is crucial.  Keep some sense of normalcy.  Keep them in the same activities, if you can.  Communicate with them about their feelings and the changes taking place around them.  By doing so, you are teaching them how to handle adversity and protecting and preparing them for further changes that may arise in the future.  We often think that if we alter our children’s reality that we are saving them from hurt and pain.  As I said above, children are very intuitive human beings. Not only that, but “protecting” them from reality is not properly preparing them for life.

As I mentioned above, the main component and most integral part of reinvigorating your family is support.  Co-parenting first and supporting your children together will help them accept the changes being made in a “positive” way.  As we often state here at Today’s Modern Family, there are never “ex-parents” only “ex-spouses.”  Another key component is committing to co-parenting with your ex-spouse on a healthy level so as to not interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent.  In other words, the drama between the two of you shouldn’t have to be your child’s drama nor should he/she have to carry that load on their shoulders.  They want to love both parents and have the right to do so.  Again, this is where being positive plays a major role.  In other words, being good co-parents makes the road your children will have to travel a little less bumpy.

If you are living in a new step-family or are about to embark on the path of step-parenthood, keep in mind that your expectations must be in line with the reality of your new position and situation.  The children involved do not have to fall in love with you right away and probably won’t.  On the other hand, the same holds true for you and you are not a bad step-parent if you don’t love your step-child right away.  That relationship will build over time.  If you are a bio-parent, allow your child the opportunity to learn about his/her step-parent on their own terms.  Do not compete.  Do not force your opinions on your children.  Doing so,  will allow you to open the door for your children to make his/her own choices and form their own individual opinions.  That is what you would teach them otherwise if you were still married and in your nuclear family and what you would want in return from your ex-spouse, correct?  Your choices will have a direct effect on the positive or negative energy that your child brings into their new found life as a stepchild.

Children need to feel that they are a part of each of their parents and that means their parents’ families.  Accepting that your own feelings and views about your ex-spouse  or his/her new partner are just that…YOUR feelings and views.  Not forcing them and making them issues for your children only benefit them.  It allows them the freedom of expressing their own feelings and emotions, and allows them to feel validated.

By nurturing not only your children but yourself as well, during this time, you will be setting a clear example of what it means to effectively co-parent and to reinvent and reinvigorate your new life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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