A Step-parent’s Role

One of the best books that I have read is “The Courage to be a Stepmom” by Sue Patton Theole. I have read through the chapters so many times, the bind is worn and the pages are all marked up. Ms. Theole’s book teaches us how to find our place without losing ourselves as stepparents.

Are you a step-parent that wonders what exactly your role is in your step-child’s life? It is a given that there is no replacing a child’s biological parent unless of course there are extenuating circumstances. Albeit, endearing yourself to your step-children takes time and lots of patience. While some stepparents find their experience easy and extremely rewarding, for others, step-parenting is not exactly a walk in the park. A lot of the time, a step-parent feels like a substitute teacher – and we all know how we treated our substitute teachers at times.

Stepfathers often get a bad rap from their stepchildren because they are the new head of household in the daily lives of the children and the children resent him when he sets or takes the position of authority in their daily routine. On the other hand, stepmother’s have the most under-appreciated role altogether. The word “mother” is a holy word in our vocabulary. It is sacred. Therefore, it is hard for a stepmom to be appreciated by her stepchildren (due to loyalty binds) and definitely by the ex-wife even though in the absence of the ex-wife, the stepmom is usually the primary caretaker of her children.

Just as every parent makes mistakes rearing their children, step-parents are not exempt. Luckily, the mistakes that are made during the process frequently become the best learning experiences. It is our ability to make right those mistakes with our stepchildren and children for that matter, to apologize when our mistakes are not constructive to their needs, and to learn from them so that history doesn’t repeat itself.

With that being said, with your role as a step-parent during the first years of your marriage or remarriage, you should allow your step-children to make the invitation to you with regard to your relationship with them. Don’t force yourself upon them. Trying to be too much too soon to your stepchildren can often have the opposite effect you are trying to create. It may turn them off completely from you. Of course, you should always do what is normal for all parents (i.e., readily engaging them in conversation when they are with you, including them in your family activities, showing interest in their school work and activities, etc.). Allowing your stepchildren to cultivate their own impression and view of you and your relationship first, is crucial. As I have said in previous posts, titles mean nothing, relationships mean everything. Of course, once the relationship blossoms, it is your job to nurture it. Remember, your stepchildren are just that, children. Keep in mind that there may be times when your stepchild’s view might possibly become tainted by one of their parents (especially if there are issues within your blended family) but if you stay consistent with your relationship with them and continue to provide honest and open communication with them, then you have done your part. However, sometimes as stepparents, we have to purposely step aside, not from our spouses, but from whatever issue (i.e., our stepchildren themselves or the situation with the bio parent) is causing us and our stepchildren discomfort. This is called stepping out of the middle.

As the stepparent, you have to enforce the rules of your house at all times. Never allow your step-children (or children for that matter) to push the limits in your household. If there are rules that you simply cannot live without, as Ms. Theole says, it is perfectly fine for you to go to bat for it. Chances are, everyone can conform. They may balk at first, but they will get over it.

Women, more so than men, view connections between people more emotionally. We tend to get “fully invested” before we are “fully-vested” in the eyes of our step-children because we thrive on family, trust, love and compassion. We also get hurt more easily, especially when we don’t have realistic expectations. On the other hand, men tend to “step out” emotionally and forget at times that their stepchildren need to feel that they care about them. Men generally think actions speak for them all of the time (i.e., going to work every day, etc.). Men, your stepchildren need to be showed and told that they are loved with words. If you have stepchildren that you just don’t think you will ever connect with, I encourage you to view each one of them as a surprise special present. When we get a special, surprise gift, we become excited about what is in store for us. Viewing your stepchildren the same way will allow you to value the happy times and get through the bad times.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Share good news about your stepfamily

It’s no secret that stepfamilies can be extremely challenging, but they can be successful if the family focuses on building their family. This may be hard to believe because all that seems to be discussed in articles, on blogs, books, etc. is the bad stuff that stepfamilies can’t seem to get past; be it an intrusive ex-wife, a husband who doesn’t understand and support his wife or kids that don’t like and/or respect you. BUT, you can get past those things and your stepfamily, including your children, will benefit as a result.

I’ve mentioned the ladies over at the Stepfamily Letter Project in a couple of posts. It’s a site where stepfamily members can relieve stress by getting things off their chests, anonymously. It’s a good way to vent and blow off some steam before approaching the problem a bit more diplomatically. I think it’s very useful and beneficial and I always encourage my readers and clients to relieve their frustration by speaking their mind in this manner. If you keep it bottled in, you will eventually EXPLODE and that isn’t good for anyone.

That being said, I think it’s equally important that we begin to share what’s going right in our stepfamilies to give other stepfamilies hope for the future. Sure, we’ve probably all been where disgruntled stepfamilies are, but for those of us who happened to, with hardwork, dedication, love and understanding, emerge successfully need to share that good news with everyone.

I’ll start: I’ve made it no secret that the start of my marriage was shaky because my husband and I focused on all the wrong things. We worked tirelessly to try and build a great relationship with his ex-wife because we wanted my bonus son to feel like all was not lost and that we could all be one big happy family. In the process, however, we neglected our marriage and we certainly weren’t one big happy family. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person that was happy was his ex-wife because we catered to her needs. Even my stepson wasn’t happy! Instead of my husband discussing matters that were pertinent to our household with each other, he was discussing them with his ex-wife and I was just forced to do what was convenient for them, but not at all convenient for me. He was trying to prove to her that he could still be a good father by being a great partner to her and offering her support, but he was not a good husband to me and offered me none [support]. But, after many arguments, communication, counseling, love and understanding we began to realize the importance of working on our marriage and family. We made US a priority and as a result, built a marriage and stepfamily that cannot be broken.

For starters, my husband and I are now that disgustingly madly in love couple that still hold hands during car rides; call each other cute little pet names like baby, honey and angel; and can’t keep our hands off each other. He is truly the love of my life and is an EXCELLENT, supportive, loving, understanding husband and father.

Another benefit of my husband and I putting our marriage and family first is how well my son has adjusted. He is an amazingly compassionate, intelligent, strong, wise young man. Navigating through our blended family has taught him to be understanding, forgiving, loving and accepting. He is also excellent with communicating  his feelings, thoughts and beliefs with us. His teachers rave about him being a leader and the peacemaker in class, not to mention that he is a straight A student! Because all of his parents, including my ex and his wife, have worked hard to maintain our separate households while still attempting to work together, our son doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything. As a matter of fact, he has NEVER had a desire for his parents to be back together again. He has often expressed that he likes his family just the way it is.

Although my bonus son hasn’t adjusted as well, due to the fact that his mother won’t allow him to see us, the foundation that we built still stays with him. During our phone conversations, he has often expressed that he misses us and wants to come home. As a matter of fact, when he was 9 he told his mother that when he turned 10 he was going to live with us. Additionally, he has often told me [his evil stepmother] how much he misses me and my 200,000 questions that I always ask him. Side note: I always asked him about his friends at school, what he did at recess, his favorite foods that his stepfather cooked for him, if he liked girls, yet… I always thought I got on his nerves when I did that, but it turns out that’s one of the things he actually misses about me.

Overall, my husband and I have built a strong marriage and family for our children and as a result, our children have been able to witness a healthy marriage and develop skills that are and will continue to be beneficial to them in the future. More importantly, we’ve given them a sense of family that they will not forget and can continue to rely on.

See, there are many positive stepfamilies out there, even if the ex-wife is intrusive and destructive. You just have to make a firm commitment to each other, as husband and wife, and as a family. Work on building your marriage and strong relationships within your immediately family first. If you do so, you can build a strong stepfamily and that’s certainly good news.

What about you? TMF wants to start a Good News Stepfamily Project. We want you readers to start spreading the good news about your stepfamily. Maybe you too have gotten through the many obstacles that stepfamilies face and are now a strong stepfamily unit. If so, we need to start spreading this message of hope. It is true that many of us face battles with the exes, challenges with our stepchildren and even our spouses, initially, but it is possible to get past all that. If you have indeed gotten past it, we want to hear your good news. You can either leave a comment following this post and/or send your good news to goodnews@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. We’ll post all of your good news comments and emails in the good news section of our site so that everyone can see and understand that it is possible to jump those hurdles and create and maintain a healthy stepfamily.

Making Memories and Building Traditions

As promised in my Changing Seasons post, I wanted to expand upon and give you readers some tips on making fun, meaningful family traditions.  Most of you probably already have your family traditions down pat, but for those of you who may be newly re/married or newly divorced single parents, making traditional memories and building bonds with your children is extremely important.  My parents were divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mom was pretty much a single mom for most of my life.  Even though she never had a lot of extra money, and we never took lavish vacations, she made sure we had plenty of memories.   A lot of our family traditions were derived from our own “made-up” games, holidays, etc. but we made them our own and made them fun. 

Traditions are usually handed down from generation to generation and are invaluable to our ability as parents to raise our children.  Through these traditions, I believe, families are strengthened and lasting memories are made.  Also, within the blended/step family, creating traditions promote unity and a sense of belonging.  As a mother, I always felt the need to create lasting traditions for my boys.  As a step-mother, I find it even more important to create new (and keep the old) traditions that involve my step-daughter and my husband, who is a step-father to my children. 

Here are some fun tips and some practical ideas to help you create your own meaningful memories and traditions:

1.  Make time for your spiritual traditions.  Pray together. 

2.  Help serve food at a homeless shelter during the holidays.

3.  Make crafts together.  (I do Christmas ornaments with my children every year — now my older boys are 20 and 21, when I look back to their crafts at 8 and 9, I am simply amazed).

4.  Cook together with your children.  Let them create!

5.  During Fall, have “leaf raking” parties.  Gather a few neighborhood kids, rake, order pizza and pop and jump in a big pile of leaves!

6.  Go apple picking together and bake with the yields of your labor.

7.  Attend sports events together.

8.  Make your children’s Halloween costumes.  (I did this last year and my little boy loved it!)

9.  Every year during the Fall, take a day trip with your children to a new city or town near where you live and discover new ground. 

10.  As you put up your Christmas tree and decorations, make it a family event with food, music and cheer.  This is great fun!

11.  Have your children write letters to Santa and take them to mail them off.  Then write a letter back to your children from Santa and put it in their stocking.  My youngest son loves this!!!

12.  Drive around neighborhoods on Christmas Eve to check out the lights.  My dad and step-mom did this with me and my boys!  I loved it — even as a young adult.

13.  Make homemade gifts for those closest to you.  You will never know how appreciative they will be.  Homemade gifts are the best gifts. 

Those are just a few of the things that you can do to make memories and build traditions with your children.    Remember, making memories with your children cultivates happiness and it most certainly builds lasting bonds.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Today is National Stepfamily Day!

National Stepfamily Day is celebrated annually on September 16th. It was founded by Christy Borgeld, a National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) board member since 2006.

National Stepfamily Day Proclomation

National Stepfamily Day is enhanced by our strong commitment to support the stepfamilies of our nation in their mission to raise their children, create strong family structures to support the individual members of the family, instill in them a sense of responsibility to all extended family members.

Approximately half of all Americans are currently involved in some form of stepfamily relationship and it is the vision of Michigan’s Christy Borgeld that all stepfamilies in the United States be accepted, supported and successful.

Our nation has been blessed by thousands upon thousands of loving stepparents and stepchildren who are daily reminders of the joy, trials, and triumphs of the stepfamily experience and of the boundless love contained in the bond between all types of parents and children.

National Stepfamily Day is a day to celebrate the many invaluable contributions stepfamilies have made to enriching the lives and life experience of the children and parents of America and to strengthening the fabric of American families and society.

Join BFSO by celebrating National Stepfamily Day with your family today!

The Hard Stuff: Don’t Sweat It…Share it!

Everyone has heard that old saying “don’t sweat the small stuff,” but I have never heard a saying that relates to the “hard stuff.”  Blended families often have to deal with not only problems with the ex/current spouse issues  but also with discipline, entangled feelings, children and money.  Finding constructive ways to deal with difficult blended family issues can be challenging.

The above especially holds true in the case of second and ex wives.  Feelings often get easily convoluted.  Most of the time, issues between the new wife and the ex wife are laced with assumptions, unnecessary attitudes and insecurities, most of which make it hard for both sides to come to mutual common grounds and makes the lives of their husbands and children very hard to deal with.

I have even realized in retrospect to some of my past encounters, had I been more practical in my thinking about my ex’s new wife and had I been more gentle in my approach when issues arose, some of her reactions to my actions could have been avoided entirely, which in turn, would have made things easier.  However, hindsight is always 20/20.

If we all take moments to collect our thoughts, sort our feelings and decide to arrive at a different thought process, we won’t be so quick to attack one another.  Share the hard stuff, communicate with your husband’s ex (if the avenue is open), give yourselves the opportunity to a kinder approach and the hard stuff will find a way to work itself out.  It takes work and cooperation but the end result  is so rewarding.  Ms. Thoele’s book (The Courage to be a Stepmom) has taught me so very much about being kinder, more considerate and open to communication. 

As I always  reiterate – - – we have to pick our battles carefully within the blended family.  If we express our feelings without being judgmental, issues that arise won’t be as hard to solve.  Some new wives can be very judgmental toward ex-wives just because  of the preconceived notions that the word “ex” has attached to it.  A lot of ex-wives place unnecessary idiosynchrocies on new wives.  Both can be destructive.  As we have all heard the stories and by my working at a law firm, I have seen it on numerous occasions; divorced parents sometimes allow their feelings to get the best of them and they include the children in their pettiness without sometimes realizing that they are doing so.  Other times, parents understand exactly what they are doing and purposely involve their children to spite the other parent.  My advice is that you cannot control what the other parent says or does when you  are not around.  Support your children as best as you can.  Talk to your children if questions arise relative to what the other parent is talking to them about but always take the high road.  Never back slide to their standard (if that is happening).  Your child will, in the long run, figure it out for themselves. 

In my approach, in our blended family, I try my best to always lead by example.  When situations may arise between my husband’s ex and myself, I try to see the bigger picture and talk out what is bothering me.  It’s not always easy and when it’s not, I try to remember it’s not about me or the ex wife, husband or ex-husband, it’s about our children. 

Don’t get stuck.  Don’t sweat the small stuff and as Ms. Thoele says, do your best to share the “hard stuff” by opening your line of communication.  Parenting and step-parenting is not easy, but if you open your lines of communication, you will find the urge to control will seem distant and your relationships will make enormous strides. 

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Balance & the Blended Family by Diane Greene

Blended families are hard enough….especially when everyone is learning how to balance their new lives together.  This includes mothers, fathers, step-fathers, step-moms and the children as well.  Everyone has their own way of finding their balance and where they fit into the blended family. 

Most of the time, the children are the ones that have the hardest time finding balance.  In some of my readings, I have seen it described as a game of “musical chairs” because most of the time, the children are required to move into a new position and that takes major adjustment.  For example, my step-daughter is the oldest child in her mother and step-father’s household.  In our household, she is the second to the baby of the family.  Therefore, she goes from having more responsibility at her mother’s home to just keeping her room clean at our house.   So as you can see, she, upon returning to her mother’s home, has to make adjustments that I am sure she doesn’t always like (i.e., being the big sister, chores, helping mom, etc.)  but at the same time, are just part of life as an oldest child.  Although we try to maintain that balance for her, that music never stops for her and her life doesn’t stop changing from week to week and I am sure that it is hard for her at times as it is at times for all members of the blended family.

The trick is to maintain a semblance of balance.   The following are some ideas that you can use to help maintain that balance:

1.  Suggest to your husband or wife some special alone time with his/her child (i.e., take him/her out for lunch, movie, etc.) without you once in a while.  And you do the same with your child or children. 

2.  Continue to take notice of their special accomplishments and make sure they know you are keeping up with all of them (i.e., grades, choir recitals, soccer and volleyball games, etc.).

3.  To say your love for your child or step-child is unconditional is easy, but it is also easy to be looked over at times.   Show them physical attention.  Hugs are so important (YES, even for boys).  When I had my oldest son (now 21), the nurse at the hospital told me that human touch is the most powerful tool of  communication  you can have with your child (and stepchild).  Hug them often, sit together, give them high-fives and tell them you are proud of them for no reason. 

4.  Listen to your children and step-children.  Make sure they know they can come to you and that you are open-minded to their suggestions and feelings.  Sometimes children of blended families will seek your approval for little things because they may have insecurities or jealousies about your new family.  Make sure they know your love is not performance-based but unconditional.

I married a man who had one child.  I have 3.  So, my step-daughter obviously had to make the most adjustments in our blended family.  When she comes to our home, she deals with 3 brothers.  When she goes home, she has 2 little sisters that she has to make adjustments with as well.  I try to make it a point to make her transition smooth when coming to our home because she is the only girl and a “daddy’s girl” at that. 

No matter what our agenda is for that day of the week or the weekend, I try to make sure that my step-daughter has that very important alone time with her father, even if it’s something as simple as watching a television show with him alone.  I do this in subtle ways where not even my husband picks up on it at times.  This is one thing I do to create that balance for her. 

It takes a lot of hard work and time to build a balanced blended family but when it happens, it will be one of the most rewarding and strengthening experiences you can ever have. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Postpartum Depression and the Blended Family

I know you are thinking “what does postpartum depression have to do with the blended family”?  A lot I have found out.  When I sat down to write, this subject weighed on me heavily and I wanted to explore it a bit more in hopes others may have a better understanding about this situation and realize that they are not alone in this.  Actually sharing this is hard for me but at the same time it helps to face it and writing about it helps me realize that I have come out of it with the support of my family. 

I was 21 when my oldest daughter was born and I never felt anything abnormal after having her.  I was 28 when I had my second daughter and things started spiraling out of control after that.  I had no idea what was happening and I didn’t know how to stop it.  I had gained so much weight with my pregnancy and that wasn’t helping things either.  I was depressed, tired, moody, and never wanted to do anything.  I never felt ill feelings toward my girls; it was more internal than anything.  I just didn’t want to leave the house and wanted to be with my kids and husband and that was it. 

I saw my doctor and she tried several different prescriptions for me and nothing really seemed to work that well.  I wasn’t losing the weight as fast as I had with my first daughter (7 years older didn’t help either) and my blood pressure was up, too.  It seemed like it was one thing after another. 

Looking back over four years I see how my own issues contributed to loss of relationships with friends, loss of projects in my professional life, and arguments that never should have happened, due to low self esteem and depression.  I also feel so guilty because I am not the same person I was with my first daughter as I am with my second daughter.  I feel like I was doing my little one a disservice by being depressed all the time.  I also feel like I haven’t left the house in four years.  Not until my third pregnancy did I realize that these feelings were not my fault.  Though it wasn’t my fault, it still affected every aspect of my life, including the whole family dynamic of my blended family. 

I had a different doctor with my third daughter and I told him how scared I was to be pregnant again because of all I went through with the depression with my second daughter.  He said that we would take care of that as soon as I gave birth and I didn’t need to worry.  He also said how glad he was that I told him so I could get the help I needed.  So, I had my third daughter and that day he gave me a small estrogen patch to help me get “back into balance”.  Catching this at the beginning was a life saving experience for me.  I followed up with free counseling at the hospital which was just wonderful.  I didn’t feel like an outcast or like I didn’t belong.  They truly helped me realize that women go through this every day, with every pregnancy and that IT WAS OKAY for me to have these feelings.  It is also okay to know that my mind and body would be back to normal, too. 

Maintaining Everlasting Bonds by Kela Price

It’s no secret that divorce, remarriage, and re-coupling; especially when there are children involved, can be hard on the entire family – ex-spouses, children, new spouses and the in-laws and other extended family members. People don’t realize or even consider the feelings of ex-brother and sister-in-laws, ex-mother and father-in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins…It is difficult, and for some, impossible to let go of bonds that were established during years of matrimony. As a matter of fact, is it fair to ask this of our extended family members?

My ex and I were together for nearly six years and he spent plenty time with my family. He was there for holidays, birthdays, family reunions and so much more. He hung out with my brother, watched sports with my father and was there to emotionally support my family and I when my father was terminally ill. He was more than just a boyfriend and eventually the father of my child. He was truly a member of our family. So, as you can imagine, it was difficult for my family to just break all ties; which is what was initially best.

As I’ve stated in earlier post, it’s so harmful to try and throw everyone together if there are unresolved feelings, emotions and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife. It takes time to get to the point when you all can gather together in the name of family. Certainly, if you want to gouge your ex-wife’s eyes out or secretly pray that your ex-husband is run over by a freight train, it’s probably not a good idea for you to attend extended family gatherings together. And, if this is the case, your extended family should respect your need to heal as well as your current spouse’s need for time to adjust. As such, in-laws, if you must continue a relationship with the ex, do so on your own time. Don’t force everyone to attend gatherings until all involved parties are ready to do so. Remember, your loyalty should lie with your child AND his or her current spouse. Pushing the idea too prematurely often does more harm than good.

Side Note: Often times the adults want to use the children as an excuse for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. “But little Billy wants me there.” Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have nothing to do with the child. You know that little Billy NEVER benefits from having his whole family together, if they are at each other’s throats. Children pick up and are gravely affected by obvious tension.

In my case, it took years before my ex could stop by my mom’s house (that’s where my brother, his wife, my husband and our kids usually gather for Sunday dinner) for a visit. For years, my family asked about him and missed him, but respected my current husband and I enough not to push. This summer, however, my ex stopped by just to drop something off, but decided to sit and chat for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that awkward. He hugged my mom, talked to my brother, played with the children…After nearly 8 years of working on co-parenting and adjusting to our new lives, we’ve finally buried those hatchets, resolved old feelings and can concentrate on being better parents and even friends. Additionally, my husband and his wife are secure in our respective marriages and are comfortable with our ex-spouses. More importantly, we all share a mutual respect for each other and know the appropriate boundaries that must not be crossed. All of these factors must be present prior to participating in immediate or extended family gatherings.

The famous Simmons family is a perfect example of how to successfully blend an extended family. This picture was taken from Essence Magazine in an issue where they showcased their favorite blended families.

Children, ex-spouses and in-laws have to lose so much after a divorce; property, money, homes, relationships, etc., but family shouldn’t be one of those things. Although biological ties are the main reason that blended families are thrown together; it shouldn’t be an essential requirement for being a family. I’m fully aware that evolving past any bitterness and hurt and resolving old feelings is crucial prior to challenging the traditional notion of family. But, don’t allow that bitterness and hurt or unrealistic expectations to prevent healthy bonding within the blended family. Allowing this bonding to occur confirms our reality as blended families and that is, that all of the members of the extended blended family are family. We are all there or at least we should be, for the same purpose; to raise healthy, well-adjusted, well-rounded compassionate citizens of this world. At some point, that must take precedence over our past unresolved feelings and hurt. When you embrace this notion, children are no longer held hostage by the pain of having to choose, but instead, they are free to just love. More importantly, they only benefit from the true experience of having several parents to love and be loved by, along with additional family members with whom they can establish everlasting bonds.

Divorce Parties by Kela Price

I was watching the Tyra Banks show the other day and her topic was divorce parties. Various women were talking about how they were celebrating their divorces however; when they all shared their stories individually, you could see the pain in their eyes as tears rolled down their faces. I could tell that they were trying to convince themselves to celebrate their new found singlehood, but really didn’t feel much like celebrating at all.

Divorce is a very difficult and scary thing to deal with. It can literally turn EVERYONE’S  world upside down. And although there is and should be a brief grieving period, one shouldn’t dwell on what could’ve, should’ve or might have been. It prevents EVERYONE from moving on; your ex, your children and YOU! Yet, so many women have trouble with truly moving on after a divorce.

So I pondered this concept of divorce parties for several days prior to writing this post. I wanted to be absolutely certain as to how I felt about the concept; making sure that I don’t promote the idea of divorce as a solution to all marital problems because it is not. If your husband leaves the toilet seat up, calls you a bad cook or even dislikes your mother, these are not reasons to even contemplate a divorce. But, if there are issues that you just can’t move past, such as an affair, then sometimes moving on is the best option for everyone.

When the choice is made (sometimes it’s made for you) and after you’ve had that brief grieving period, it’s time to look toward the future. This is where the concept of divorce parites come into play. At this point, there’s no more dwelling on how your ex-husband failed you, how you failed your ex-husband or how you both failed the children. What’s done is done and now it’s time to move forward. First, take some “me” time. Time to rediscover who you are; not you the wife or you the mother, but you the individual. Fall in love with her, get your confidence back and embrace the new you. Embrace all of the potential that your future holds instead of dwelling on the past. Second, figure out what’s next. What are you going to do with your life? If your husband was the breadwinner, then you might contemplate going back to school or finding a new career path. Third, use your past in a positive way from this point on. Instead of dwelling on the negative, use it to propel you forward. Learn from the positive AND the negative; his mistakes AND yours. That experience, believe it or not, will play a huge role in the person that you will become.

I got to the point where I actually thanked (not literally) my ex for all of our shared experiences because they shaped who I am today. I learned what to do and what not to do. I learned what I would tolerate and what I just couldn’t. One of my favorite artist is Brandy because there is a song on her Afrodisiac album called ‘Who I Am’ (a song about her own “break up”) that sums up how I feel and the point I am trying to make. The course is as follows:

“Thank you for all the tears, all the stress. You’re the best. I feel blessed. I’m a better woman now. Look how I smile, all you did was help the next man. This experience made me who I am.”

So for me, divorce parties symbolize a celebration. It means celebrating new beginnings, the new you, being grateful for your past and embracing your future. Adopting this way of thinking decreases one’s chances of holding grudges, being bitter and taking it out on everyone in the blended family. It allows you to embrace what’s to come instead of dwelling on what should’ve been and enables the entire family to move on.

Children Live What They Learn

As you all know, I often quote the saying “Children Live What They Learn.”  This quote was ingrained in me by my mother when I got pregnant with my oldest son at the age of 19.  She also had this saying posted on our refrigerator for years:

“If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

These words are the motto in which I as a mother and step-mother try to raise my blended family up in ,and I know that these words are what keeps me grounded when it comes to any conflict that may arise in our family.  My hope is that some of the readers here on our forum will take away from this post the same thing I take away from it on a daily basis.  Our efforts in maintaining our blended families are so important to our children.

When we are able to come to this realization, no matter what our situations, our lives will become easier within our blended families.  Conflict will become easier to handle because our first and foremost thoughts will be the children ,and what they take away from our examples will teach them which roads to take when they themselves become adults and are faced with the same conflicts or situations.

I hope you are blessed by these words as much as I am.

Diane

« Previous Page — Next Page »