It’s Nothing Personal!

In the past, I have been told these words but it wasn’t until experiencing a small blended family crisis of my own last year did I really and truly find out how powerful those words can be, how powerful the meaning of them truly is and how I could apply them in several aspects of my life.   I found, through that experience, that my life, is better understood when I resolve myself to not take issues or situations too personally.  Life is easier this way for me.  Moreover, life is entirely too short for allowing myself to make issues “about me” instead of applying them to their rightful owners.  Now, does this mean we cannot be helpful at all regarding issues within our blended families should we be asked for help?  Absolutely not.  However, what I am saying is sticking our noses in other folks business and taking on their problems is not healthy for us period.  History tells us that stepmoms tend to try to carry the cross for everyone in the blended family, especially for our husbands when issues arise within the blended family, and it is not good for our mental, physical or emotional health and well-being.  This philosophy holds true for our work environments and also within our own households with our own children as well.  And, to be perfectly honest, once I jumped on the bandwagon, there was no stopping me.  I applied this rule within my life with my grown children as well.  I don’t take it personal.  Their issues are theirs and theirs to deal with.  I can give advice and if they decide not to take it, well then they deal with the ramifications. Not me.  With that being said, my stress level has become next to nil.

Historically, stepmothers have always felt the need to be the “be all and do all” or the “fixer of many things” not realizing that some of those stresses and issues just aren’t ours to deal with and sometimes our involvement, especially when unsolicited, can be downright irritating.  We skew the understanding of our roles. What stepmothers need to understand is that just because you are a stepmother and wife doesn’t mean that you have to own your husband’s problems or issues.  Should you be there for him?  Yes.  Should he be able to lean on you for understanding? Absolutely.  Should you take over and handle issues for him that he is perfectly capable of dealing with and should be handling himself?  Absolutely Not!  And, furthermore, if he doesn’t ask you for your help or if he happens NOT lean on you and prefers to handle an issue directly with his ex wife about his children, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL!  Having these very unrealistic expectations of yourself and your role will cause more confusion.

So, stepmoms or soon-to-be stepmoms, stop trying to micro-manage every aspect of the lives of those around you and take that energy and time to work on yourself.  Whether that be by spending some quality “me” time with yourself at the spa or, like I try to do once or twice a year, rent a hotel room for a night and enjoy the quiet, relaxing time  alone.  Your children, your husband and the pressures of life will be there upon your return.  Take time to re-evaluate and re-invigorate  your role and yourself.

If you’re doing all you can at your job and your efforts go under-appreciated, don’t take it personally and bring it home with you after work.  If your stepchildren are having a hard time accepting you, do what you are supposed to do as a step-parent and don’t take it personal.  If your spouse’s ex has an issue with you, assign that problem back to it’s rightful owner and don’t take it personal!   Release that stress.

Remember, being the “be all and do all” won’t make your step-children love you more or make you feel more appreciated, it will only run you down.  Taking care of ourselves, our families and being who we are within our blended families is enough.   All the rest comes with time and is gravy!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Protecting The Stepmother’s Mental Health

There are over 19 million people walking around depressed today, in America.  A large number of those depressed 19 million people are  mothers.  Many experts and society as a whole, acknowledge the fact that moms are the glue that holds the family together, and are often overworked and overextended. As a matter of fact, they sell t-shirts with a quote that says, “If mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy.” Television experts like Dr. Phil and Supernanny, Jo Frost, often encourage moms to take some time for themselves, learn to say NO (without guilt) and not feel bad for occasionally having feelings of dislike toward their children. They express that it’s just the resentment of being pulled in so many different directions that causes those types of feelings, and as a mom you need to set some boundaries in order to have balance. We’ve all heard this before, right moms?

That being said, as I stated in my Super Stepmom Syndrome article, what we don’t see a lot of is the same support for stepmothers. Historically, stepmothers have just been expected to accept any and everything because they chose to marry a man with children, and therefore chose to marry his kids and his ex-wife. It’s something that they shouldn’t complain about and realize that it’s not about them, but the kids who are torn apart by divorce.  We’ve all heard this before, right stepmoms? My question is then why shouldn’t mom be expected to just suck it up? After all, she chose to have children in the first place and it’s supposed to be about the kids, right? Why does she get to complain and then receive sympathy with kids that she chose to create, but stepmom has to just suck it up with kids who are not her own?

According to Linda Nielsen, a professor of psychology and women’s studies at Wake Forest University, stepmothers feel more stress than stepfathers and are overall the most stressed member of the stepfamily. In her research she indicates that 4 factors contribute to this stress: (1) our society’s attitudes about step/mothers and motherhood; (2) the mother’s and stepmother’s personalities, attitudes and circumstances; (3) the father’s attitudes and his relationship with the mother; and (4) the stepchildren’s gender and mental health.

As I stated above, stepmothers are expected to just accept everything without expressing themselves and are often told that they are evil and wicked if they do lose a grip every now and then. They are often battling an intrusive ex-wife as research indicates that ex-wives remain bitter for longer (years after) the divorce and are in fact the most intrusive. Their husband is still dealing with his guilt over the divorce and is often times an overcompensating, disney land dad and refuses to set healthy boundaries for his children and/or his ex-wife. Finally, age and gender definitely play a role in the step-parent/stepchild relationships in the stepfamily. For example, studies show that the stepmother/stepdaughter relationship is the most problematic relationship in the stepfamily, and can contribute to the dissolution of the remarriage and family if not handled properly.

All of the above mentioned and more, as you can imagine, creates a significant amount of stress for the stepmother and has enormous potential to send them to a downward spiral of depression. Being expected to please everyone without being able to express how you feel is an unrealistic and totally unfair expectation to place on ANYONE! Stepmothers need to have their role acknowledged and supported if we are to work at decreasing the alarming rate of second divorces in America. She can’t be expected to walk on eggshells, especially in her own home, just to pacify everyone else.  It will only leave her feeling totally isolated, resentful and depressed, just like those mothers that I mentioned above. The stepmother needs support, too; support from her husband; support from her friends and family and support from society as a whole!

I realize that everyone in the stepfamily has their challenges and own crosses to bear; however, the stepmother receives less support and understanding than ANYONE in the stepfamily and that just has to change.  Everyone else is allowed to act out and freely express themselves without judgment, because society has more sympathy for them, and historically, stepmoms have been deemed as wicked. We sympathize with dad because he doesn’t get to see his children as often. We sympathize with the kids because they’ve just experienced the loss of their family. We sympathize with ex-wife because she is just trying to “protect” her children.  We then we dump all of those emotions, responsibility and aftermath of a divorce that she didn’t create, mind you, on the stepmother and say, “now you deal with it and you better do it all with a smile. There’s no wonder that so many stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants and anxiety medication. And we wonder why so many are just angry all the time.

Hopefully, with stepmoms like Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster, and myself included,  speaking out and encouraging other stepmothers to do the same, things will slowly but surely begin to change. Stepmothers should feel free to say NO, just as we encourage mothers to do, without guilt or fear of being labeled as wicked. It must be understood that these women feel overwhelmed as well. It must be understood that unrealistic demands should not be placed on them. It must be understood, by husbands, that they need YOU to step up and be the partner that they married. It must be understood that these are women with feelings, and although they may not have directly experienced the divorce with you, they often times have to deal with the aftermath, and they need some support and understanding, too! They deserve to have a voice and a right to be heard in the stepfamily.

Stepmothers, I am once again encouraging you to aim for balance in your stepfamily life. You do not have to be everything to everyone, heal everyone’s pain and/or be everyone’s punching bag in order to be a good stepmother. You shouldn’t be expected or allow yourself to sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of everyone else’s. Below are ways in which you can protect your sanity and still be a good stepmother.

1. Learn to say NO! If it’s your husband’s weekend to have his kids, but you both know he’s going to be at work all weekend, it’s okay to express that you need a break and would like for your husband to choose another weekend. His ex-wife should understand that the primary reason for establishing visitation is so that they kids can spend time with their dad and not you. You are not bound by the visitation order, so if you need a moment, request it and then take it – WITHOUT GUILT!
2. Create a co-parenting plan with your husband regarding household rules and consequences, which you both agree on, and then stick to it. Children shouldn’t be allowed to use the divorce as a lifelong crutch. Allowing them to avoid rules and responsibility because YOU feel guilty as a parent is not parenting and only creates more problems for the child and the stepfamily.  Co-parenting plans help avoid conflict with the kids and your husband regarding discipline, and help you and your spouse create and present a more unified front. It also helps to re-create some normalcy in their lives again.
3. Constantly work on building and maintaining couple strength. Schedule date nights with your husband. Marriage is work and you have to work hard at remaining connected, especially in the stepfamily. During these times, make it a rule that you will not discuss ex-spouses, kids, stepkids or drama. Date night is a DRAMA FREE ZONE!
4. Learn to let some things go. Remember that you don’t have to be involved in every single aspect of your stepchildren’s lives.  For example, it’s okay to let mom and dad attend the parent teacher conference. It really isn’t necessary for you to be there. Instead of seeing it as some sort of slap in the face because you help with homework, too, use this time to either have some alone time with your own children or get your nails done, if you don’t have any children of your own.
5. Accept the fact that you don’t need to be perfect. You’ll be surprised at how relieved you feel when you have more realistic expectations of yourself than what is imposed on you by public opinion.
6. Realize and accept that you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PLEASE EVERYONE! Your primary focus should be on your immediate family. No matter what some say, you did not marry your husband, his kids AND his ex-wife, and suggesting this is only implying that it is your job to keep them ALL happy – NOT. You married your husband and you are the ones who have to build a solid team in order to raise your children and live happily ever after. If ex-wife doesn’t like it – TOUGH. There are two people in our marriage, not three or four. I’ve never seen a husband, wife and ex-wife rocking on their front porch when they are 80 years old. Ex-spouses are co-parenting partners, but they are not and shouldn’t be allowed to be participants in your marriage.
7. Finally, if you feel you are depressed seek the help of a medical doctor and then call a stepfamily counselor to help get you back on track to getting some balance back in your life again. It’s okay to ask for help!

My mother always told me that how you start out in any relationship is often times how you’ll end up. If you allow someone to walk all over you from the very beginning then that will be their expectation of you. She has always encouraged me to set my own boundaries and expectations of myself and others. So stepmothers, don’t start off allowing your husband, his kids or the ex-wife to think that you are going to be their punching bag. Setting boundaries for yourself and others is not wicked. As a matter of fact, it’s encouraged and expected in order for everyone to have some sort of peace of mind. And if an ex-wife or a husband has a problem with it, they are the ones who need to be examined, not you! The stepfamily can work and thrive, but the adults have to first have the same goal and be supported in their roles, even the stepmother.

The Hard Stuff: Don’t Sweat It…Share it!

Everyone has heard that old saying “don’t sweat the small stuff,” but I have never heard a saying that relates to the “hard stuff.”  Blended families often have to deal with not only problems with the ex/current spouse issues  but also with discipline, entangled feelings, children and money.  Finding constructive ways to deal with difficult blended family issues can be challenging.

The above especially holds true in the case of second and ex wives.  Feelings often get easily convoluted.  Most of the time, issues between the new wife and the ex wife are laced with assumptions, unnecessary attitudes and insecurities, most of which make it hard for both sides to come to mutual common grounds and makes the lives of their husbands and children very hard to deal with.

I have even realized in retrospect to some of my past encounters, had I been more practical in my thinking about my ex’s new wife and had I been more gentle in my approach when issues arose, some of her reactions to my actions could have been avoided entirely, which in turn, would have made things easier.  However, hindsight is always 20/20.

If we all take moments to collect our thoughts, sort our feelings and decide to arrive at a different thought process, we won’t be so quick to attack one another.  Share the hard stuff, communicate with your husband’s ex (if the avenue is open), give yourselves the opportunity to a kinder approach and the hard stuff will find a way to work itself out.  It takes work and cooperation but the end result  is so rewarding.  Ms. Thoele’s book (The Courage to be a Stepmom) has taught me so very much about being kinder, more considerate and open to communication. 

As I always  reiterate – - – we have to pick our battles carefully within the blended family.  If we express our feelings without being judgmental, issues that arise won’t be as hard to solve.  Some new wives can be very judgmental toward ex-wives just because  of the preconceived notions that the word “ex” has attached to it.  A lot of ex-wives place unnecessary idiosynchrocies on new wives.  Both can be destructive.  As we have all heard the stories and by my working at a law firm, I have seen it on numerous occasions; divorced parents sometimes allow their feelings to get the best of them and they include the children in their pettiness without sometimes realizing that they are doing so.  Other times, parents understand exactly what they are doing and purposely involve their children to spite the other parent.  My advice is that you cannot control what the other parent says or does when you  are not around.  Support your children as best as you can.  Talk to your children if questions arise relative to what the other parent is talking to them about but always take the high road.  Never back slide to their standard (if that is happening).  Your child will, in the long run, figure it out for themselves. 

In my approach, in our blended family, I try my best to always lead by example.  When situations may arise between my husband’s ex and myself, I try to see the bigger picture and talk out what is bothering me.  It’s not always easy and when it’s not, I try to remember it’s not about me or the ex wife, husband or ex-husband, it’s about our children. 

Don’t get stuck.  Don’t sweat the small stuff and as Ms. Thoele says, do your best to share the “hard stuff” by opening your line of communication.  Parenting and step-parenting is not easy, but if you open your lines of communication, you will find the urge to control will seem distant and your relationships will make enormous strides. 

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Yours, Mine and Ours

Maintaining Your Blended Family Marriage

Did you know that the divorce rate among second marriages is higher than that among first marriages? One would assume that if a person has a second chance, he or she would be sure not to mess it up. However, there are some  second marriages that breakdown under financial strain; second marriages that are torn apart by children; and second marriages that never had a chance to begin with. Then, there are those that actually do survive and eventually thrive despite the chaotic world of the blended family.  These couples work through their communication issues in order to create a marriage that is more solid than their first.

In order for your second marriage to work I believe it’s essential to consider what went wrong in your first. Many times divorcees will get on their “high horse” by insisting that their marital problems were soley their ex’s fault. However, there is hardly a divorce where fault falls exclusively on one person. Because far more challenges will present themselves in your second marriage (children, unresolved feelings, bitter ex’s, etc.), it is necessary to examine your own mistakes in the past so that you are less likely to repeat them in the future.

Nurturing Your Second Marriage

It is so very important to nurture your second marriage!!! Often times remarried couples make themselves the LAST priority by putting the problems with their respective children, exes, finances…first. Remarried couples need to spend time nurturing and building their relationship together just as any “traditional” marriage, without children, would. Schedule date nights together, and take vacations without the children, sometimes. Take every moment that you can to remember and remind each other of why you fell in love in the first place. Remember, that when the children are grown and gone, and there are no more exes to fight with, you will be left with each other. You can not grow old with your children or problems with your former spouse. As such, you shouldn’t spend ALL of your time in these areas. Of course, you have to raise, love and nurture your children. And, you have to work on resolving your issues with your former spouse so that you can co-parent effectively. But, these areas can’t take priority over your marriage. Any good marriage needs to be nurtured and loved if it’s expected to survive. Besides, taking these actions will only benefit your children because you will be building a strong, stable, loving environment in the process.

My husband and I made the mistake of putting everything before our marriage, and honestly, it almost FAILED!! At several points in our relationship we were both ready to throw in the towel. The stress of both of our children not immediately adjusting (this is a unrealistic expectation that most remarried couples have) along with dealing with the exes, almost tore our marriage apart. All of our communication, and I mean literally ALL of it, centered around the kids, his ex or my ex. Naturally, it just wasn’t good for our relationship. We didn’t put as much effort or time into our relationship as we did those other things, and it showed. We realized this one day on a rare occasion when both of our children were gone. Not only did we not know what to do with ourselves, but we began talking about…problems with the children and/or the exes. It wasn’t until my husband said, “We spend way too much time talking about our problems, let’s talk about something else.” The only problem was that we literally did not know what else to talk about. At that point, we had our light bulb moment…ding, ding, ding…WE HAD BEEN SERIOUSLY NEGLECTING OUR MARRIAGE AND THAT’S WHY WE HAD BEEN HAVING SO MANY PROBLEMS, duh!! From then on, we decided to rediscover why we fell in the love in the first place. We scheduled date nights together, even if the kids were in the house. They were not allowed to bother us during our special time. We created a standing rule that we would only talk about our problems with the exes and children if absolutely necessary. We decided that WE are the king and queen of our household, and we would ALWAYS respect each other as such; even when it came to our respective exes. Once we set this foundation our communication issues were a lot smaller than they really were.

Finances

Second time newlyweds often bring their own financial resources and obligations into their second marriages; making finances a touchy subject in second marriages. Ideally, it is always best if the couple combines everything together instead of creating the definitive boundaries of yours, mine and ours. Once you do that, you begin to see everything as yours, mine and ours; your children vs. my children; your money vs. my money; I’ll pay for this for my children vs. you pay for this for your children, and we’ll pay for this for our children. As you can see, it becomes way too complicated. As such, it is always best if you view your newly made family as a whole instead of in parts. Having said that, when it comes to each child’s respective child support; that money should be earmarked for that child, alone. For example, we do not use M’s child support money on K. M’s child support money is for taking care of his needs. Just like M never uses K’s child support money. But, the money that my husband and I make is for taking care of everybody in our household. So, when we go on vacation I don’t only pay for my child and my husband only pays for his. It is the same when we go out to dinner or buy Christmas gifts, etc.

It is important to remember that whenever one marries or remarries he or she does so in entirety, not in parts. As such, whenever possible, the remarried couple should view themselves and their family as a single unit instead of divided. It should never be a yours, mine and ours…just ours; our marriage, our children, our money, our family.

Dialogue Promotes Change

I am one who firmly believes that dialogue, positive or negative, promotes change. If I want to resolve an issue, then it is important, to me, to find out what’s on that other person’s mind. I want to know why he or she has made the decisions that they’ve made. I want to know how that other person is feeling. I want to know how we can try to understand each other to resolve our issues. It may not lead to achieving consensus, but it certainly can shed some light on what that other person is thinking.

I recently had the opportunity to put my theory (dialogue promotes change) to the test. I posted my Wives War article on my Charly Magazine blog (www.thecharlymag.wordpress.com) and it gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with an ex-wife. She wasn’t too happy about the content of that article. She felt as if it gave ex-wives a bad name and she let me know. What started off as a tongue lashing between her (representing the ex-wives) and I (representing the second wives) ended up as what I’ll call a “change experience.” She began to listen to me and I to her and it sparked a bit of understanding on both of our parts. It also raised many questions that I hadn’t even thought of.

I posted some of our conversation below. As you read these very real thoughts and opinions regarding blended families, try to figure out who you might identify with. Perhaps you understand both of our positions.

A conversation between an ex and a second wife!

Amy Says:
August 11, 2008 at 2:56 pm e

I always enjoy reading perspectives, but I hate the bouncing back and forth of control. It seems we can find a justification for our actions around ever corner and it changes with every new perspective. Come on, I am all for step-parents, but when it comes down to it and the decisions need to be made….Step-up or step-aside! I am a pretty open minded woman, I divorced my husband, NOT my kids. She married my husband, NOT my kids. Kids are an extra bonus, but they are not and never will be her children. IF she is lucky and treats them with respect and kindness, they will love her and she will be a welcome adult in their life, but that is it.

WE all have to work out something that works so the kids can have the best chance at growing up well adjusted, but that does not mean that the ex-wive should just step aside and let step-mom take over or that step-moms should be treated with kid gloves. We are adults here. I keep hearing how we, as Bio parents, made the choice to divorce so we should just take responsibility for our choice, well ya know what, step-parents CHOSE to marry a man with children and all the mayhem that comes with hit. Child like or not, it is reality. I am the mom, I was here before, during, and I will be here after, I am not going away, and if you want life to be okay then WE need to work things out, not just ME or YOU… WE. If she wants to be included, fine and great, but it is a voice, NOT the final say. If she wants to argue her point well then get ready for a brawl. STEP. Step-up or step-aside

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm e

Hi Amy,

While I completely respect your opinion as it is something that I have heard before from ex-wives, I must say that I don’t totally agree. It seems to me that you are assuming that (like most other ex-wives that I know) that stepmothers are trying to replace you when this is not the case at all. I wish that more of you would stop viewing us as some sort of threat instead of viewing us as an added bonus. No matter what you choose to think; we are the ones taking care of YOUR children when they are in OUR home. By default, this makes us automatically included in most decisions. Not to mention that we are married to your ex-husbands!! Don’t you expect your husband to include you in all of the decisions that either affect your household or will affect you?? Well, it is no different with stepmoms and second wives. We don’t expect you to step aside, believe me, we know that we are going to have to deal with you for the rest of our lives. It is a decision that we made prior to marrying our wonderful husbands. I just wish those dealings could be a little more pleasant. Just like you aren’t going anywhere, we aren’t either!! Just like we better get used to you, you better get used to us! Do you see how it works both ways??

And for you to say that YOUR children will never be her children is unfortunate; because you are automatically cheating your children out of the love that us step parents can give. We are just as much their parental figures as you are. Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and read some of my posts that were submitted by step children! These children think of their step parents as PARENTS and nothing less. Please don’t cheat your children out this opportunity because of something that you may be feeling. YOU MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! Often times when we try to speak for our children, we turn out to be totally wrong. Allow them to speak for themselves!

We are fully aware that you divorced your husband and not your children. But, when you make that decision, you must know that there is an enormous possibility that your ex will remarry; when he does, you must make room for someone else. She is his wife and expects that same out of him that you did when you were married to him. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. If you are really interested in EVERYBODY WORKING TOGETHER, then the first step is to rid yourself of this childlike mentality that keeps you believing that everything is about you – it’s not! It is and should continually be about the children. It’s disheartening to always hear ex-wives talk about how it’s all about the children, yet all of your complaints regarding second wives are about how they make YOU, NOT YOUR CHILDREN, feel!

Final thought – most of us have stepped up. We make a choice to love and care for your children. Instead of continually trying to degrade us, try actually working with the step mom in your life so that you can raise healthy, well-adjusted children.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:17 am e

Our son loves his step-mom, I would never ever get in the way of that. I just get sick of hearing it one way or the other. It has got to be BOTH, not mom or step-mom alone. To be honest in my case after seeing dad move 2 or 3 woman in and out of his home, it was a GOD send when this last woman decided to stay. It takes time though to realize that it is forever. In our case it had a lot more to do with DADs immaturity that poor step-mom just happen to walk in to a volitile relationship. I don’t even know if it was her “choice” Dad didn’t even know her on and off for a year while dating other woman and got her pregnant and moved her in within 3 weeks and married her a month later. Sorry if I don’t see that as permenant! It is going to take time.

I guess I look at it as any TEAM. If I were the Starter and go to person on the team and some freshman popped in all cocky and started trying to push her weight around and exert her authority, I would have a problem. now if this freshman came in and quietly introduced herself and then performed well for the team, I would have little problem, as it is for the bettermeant of the team, but I’ll be damned if I would just role over for some kid that is all talk.

Each situation is different. In ours it started out rough, but through MY patience and understanding of her position, things are calming down. I was put down like you wouldn’t believe, by both my ExH and her; for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know who this woman was who was moved into our son’s life. Our son was crying to come home all the time, how the hell was I supposed to know she was okay, and then she started in on me. Oh I was furious!

Like I said with the annalogy, if she had come in with an air of cooperation and allowed time to take it’s course I would have been fine, I was thrilled a the thought of the line of women in and out ending! But she pushed herself in and I did not respect that! Believe me, i would rather have a woman in that houselhold! At least I have some peace of mind!

So before you go generalizing about my thoughts, please Know my situation. I just sat through two wonderful performances of our child, with MY parents… where were Dad and Stepmom?

And as far as how our child feels, he is a happy go lucky well adjusted kid. He loves his dad and I have encouraged his relationships with both dad and step-mom and his new little brother and will continue to do so.

I work with her as much as she will allow me to. She is included in everything. Just because I state an opion does not mean I do not do what is right. Talk is talk. Doing what is right is a whole other story. I walk the walk every day.

So don’t get on some high horse acting like all ex-wives are the evil vilans and you might want to switch the name son your own post, as if it were from me, and rethink who is childish. I think I could agree we both are, but I am definiately not alone here.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:58 am e

Hi Amy,

I certainly didn’t mean to generalize, but I when it comes situations such as this (blended family) it kind of becomes personal. Like you don’t know mine, I don’t know your situation. I can only go off of personal experience. In my experience, I was and am continually beat down as a second wife and step mom. My husband and I have known each other since I was 14 years old. We dated for nearly 3 years prior to getting married, and we’ve been married for 4 years. In my case, it certainly wasn’t a sudden marriage that caught her by surprise. But like you mentioned in your first comment, she automatically thougth that I was trying to replace or even nix her altogether. I was just trying to convey to you that this often times isn’t the case with step moms. The days of the “evil stepmother” have withered away. Just because we desire and deserve to build a relationship with our husbands and children (including stepchildren) that are independent of you, doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize your presence and position in all of our lives.

Let me also say that I am also an ex (I have a child with someone who I spent 6 years with), so I completely understand (to a certain extent) the position of some ex-wives. It’s painful because you have to view apart of your child’s life from a distance. You have to allow him to have his time with the other side of his family, without you. It’s difficult because you are used to and always thought that you’d share every thing and every moment with this child; but not you have to let go a little earlier than you thought. And you have to trust these other people with your child. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE HOW HARD THIS CAN BE! But, it is something that must be done. When I realized this, stepped back and allowed my son to develop a relationship with his stepmother, I was overjoyed with the outcome. I would never tell her that he will never be HER child, especially if she’s willing to take that position in his life. I nearly cried when he came home for the first time, professing his love for his new mom. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew he was okay over there. I didn’t accuse her of trying to take my place.

Having said all that, Amy, I completely understand where you’re coming from, too. Mainly because my situation with my ex and his new wife didn’t start off that way. Like your ex, he only knew her for a short time (3 months) before they got pregnant and married! My son also called crying to come home on several occasions and I went to pick my baby up – EVERY TIME! Like you, the new wife and my ex tried to accuse me of probably the same thing that they accused you of. But it didn’t matter because my main objective was protecting my son, and at the time, I didn’t feel like it was their main objective. Needless to say, we didn’t start working together as parents until I felt that they both had his best interest at heart, and not before. I felt as if this was my responsibility as his parent.

And so, I am not on some high horse at all, Amy. I don’t think I am being or have been childish at all. My article is a reaction based on my experience. This is MY personal testimony (just as your story is yours). If it doesn’t apply to you, then so be it. But like me, I know plenty of step mothers who can relate to my testimony.

I’m glad that your child is happy and well-adjusted, and I hope that you continue to put your feelings (no matter how justified) aside in order to work with your exH and his wife.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:44 pm e

okay, so you are not child like at all I apologize for my rant. Thank you for sharing your story.

I do want to let you know, that I am also trying hard to change the role of blended families… where and when it is safe to do so.

Do you think that the whole mom/step-mom debate takes responsibility away from dad? Sometimes it seems as if it is all about mom and step-mom and we end up raising the child, while dad kicks back and watches.

Honestly I think my own beef with “step-mom” comes from the father’s rights and shared parenting initiatives. As much as I agree all parents being involved can be a wonderful thing, I have seen a lot of hurt come from these initiatives. Almost the reverse. It seems like we are turning the tables… It seems that right now, there is little about the benefit of moms, but here is so much literature on how important dads and step-partents are in the kids lives.

I am just wondering if I am alone in seeing the trend. It always seems like the best way to change things is through action, by simply being a good mom/dad/step-parent/etc and giving each realtionship time.

I believe in empowerment as long as it is not power over. I don’t believe anyone has an advantage on parenting, but I do belive that a child has the right to have a permanent schedule that will not have to be taken back in to court every other year to change. If it is working, why change it?

Anyway, thanks for the responses, I have a lot to think about.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm e

You know what, Amy, I completely agree with you. Little emphasis is placed on what dad needs to be doing; which is why I try my best to draw attention to these issues as well through my personal blog – http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am on both sides of the fence, and believe me, I have PLENTY of issues with my ex and his approach to parenting.

I’m not so sure I agree, however, that giving each relationship time works – it hasn’t for me. I have been with my husband for 7 years and his ex is still bitter about something. When I initially came into this relationship, I tried to take a backseat, but it was hard to do so. Especially since I was the primary caregiver for HER (continually reminds me of this) child when he was in my home. My husband was at work all of the time. When I took a back seat, I was seen as being cold and insensitive. But, when I tried to take a more active role, I was trying to replace her – I couldn’t win and still can’t. She only wants my husband to be involved with her and her son, but I am his wife; and I am not going anywhere. I am more than just an adult figure in her child’s life. I AM THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HIM WHEN HE’S WITH US. I feed him; I am chaffeur; I am nurse; I am a confidant; I tuck him in when he’s sick. Overall, I am the same mother to him that I am to my biological child. Give respect where respect is due. I am not trying to take over. I am simply running my household.

By that same token, as an ex, I know that I have certain rights as my child’s mother. As I stated in my previous comment, it is my responsibility to be involved (to a certain extent) in my son’s life, even when he is with his bio dad. However, I still continue to try and remain mindful and understanding of my son’s stepmom’s position, too.

It truly is a difficult situation, but I think the first step towards change is open, honest dialogue. It is so important to avoid assumptions and really try to understand where the other person (ex wife, second wife, divorced dad and children) is coming from.

Thanks so much, Amy, for sharing your thoughts, opinions and story with me. It has been nice chatting with you. Let’s keep this dialogue going – DIALOGUE PROMOTES CHANGE!!

Kela

Challenging Role of Stepmom

The stepmother generally has the most challenging role within the blended family. We are expected to bear most of the responsibility of running the household, yet receive less respect. Ex-wives must know that we are the ones who take care of their children when they are in our home. They so graciously allow us to feed them; take care of them when they are sick; and tuck them in at bed time. Yet, we can’t discipline them or follow our own house rules because we must follow theirs.

Often times it’s a no win situation for stepmothers. At one point in my own blended family when I saw things were getting way to tense between the ex-wife and I; I tried to take a backseat, thereby lessening the interaction with my stepson. But, when I did so, I was seen as cold and insensitive. So, then I tried to take an active role and be the good mom that I am to my biological son. It didn’t feel natural taking a backseat (where my stepson was concerned) as a parent. But, when I did that, I was seen by the ex-wife as trying to replace her. Like I said, you can’t win so why try? I finally had to realize that I just couldn’t be the one to please and/or fix everyone.

Furthermore, some ex-wives are simply not going to change. Some times I believe ex-wives want to think that second wives are horrible people as an excuse to continue bickering. I think it’s easier for them to believe that their ex-husband married an ax murderer because it makes her look like the damsel in distress. So, second wives/stepmothers need to stop trying be the only one that keeps the family together and husbands need to step up and lend more support. SW’s don’t try to create a home that is more pleasing to your stepchildren and/or their mother so that they will accept you. Instead, you and your husband need to decide upon a way to run your household in a manner that you both see as fit and the children and ex-wife are the one’s that need to adjust, not the other way around. From experience, I know that this is a difficult challenge because not only will you and the ex-wife have different views about parenting, but you and your husband may have different views as well. However, you must always, always, always realize that you and your husband are the individuals who took vows before God. Therefore it is most important that you two agree! Everyone in the blended family will not agree on everything, especially parenting, but you must focus on the two people that count and that’s you and your husband. Neither of you need to spend time trying to get the ex-wife to see it your way because this takes time away from you and your husband achieving consensus.

My hat goes off to second wives and stepmothers because they certainly aren’t given enough credit; face many battles with all members of the blended family; are blamed for everything and bear most of the responsibility of running the household. But, there is hope! Be sure to check out my blended family co-parenting tips post that should help bring some order to your blended family.