stepmoms

Our 2013 Joy-Inducing Plan

December 27, 2012 By Kela Leave a Comment

In modern families it can be difficult to not allow the pitfalls to consume you and/or define you and your family. However, if you make a committment to choose joy, it will give you a new perspective on life. Changing your mindset can truly change the dynamics of your complicated family and surprisingly, it doesn’t begin with focusing on your family’s problems. It begins with focusing on you! Below is our joy-inducing plan that will help you choose joy, thereby making your family more joyful as well.

Get Moving

Do some sort of exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. It can be walking, jogging, pilates, yoga or zumba. Studies show that exercise not only gives you energy but releases natural endorphins that leave you feeling healthy, strong, and happy.

Stop Comparing

I know that social media is supposed to keep us connected, but sometimes it can be a curse. While it’s okay to visit blogs to gain support from others in similiar situations, you still must take everything with a grain of salt. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s because everyone’s journey is different. Instead compare your journey (if you must compare) to where you and your family were a year ago as opposed to now.

Start Forgiving

Replaying the hurt that someone imposed on us (often many moons ago) over an over again is bad for your health! Studies show that that kind of rumination is linked to anxiety, depression, stress and heart disease. Let go of the hurt and remember forgiveness is for you!

Start Helping

It’s no secret that shifting the focus from your problems to someone else’s truly increases your own happiness. Find a cause that’s dear to you and volunteer. It will not only make a difference in someone else’s life, it will make a difference in yours as well.

Girlfriend Time

Again, social media (facebook, twitter, Skype…) can be both a blessing and a curse. It’s a curse because it keeps us from connecting face to face. Humans thrive off of human touch (a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch of the hand…) and unfortunately, you can’t do that online. So, from time to time, grab your BFF or somebody’s BFF and have coffee, grab a bite to eat, or go for a walk and talk.

Have Sex

Quit telling your husband you have a headache and just go ahead and give him some already. Studies have proven that sex reduces anxiety and depression and just being touched in a sensitive area can increase those feelings of joy throughout the next day.

Fake it Until You Make It

Did you know that facial movements can actually trigger physiological responses? When you smile, even when you don’t feel like it, your brain gets confused and tells itself, “I’m smiling, so I must be happy.” By that same token, if you walk around with a frown all the time, it can have the opposite effect. So. put a smile on your face, whether you feel like it or not.

Plan Fun on a Regular Basis

A wise older woman (she was 91 years of age to be exact) told me that her secret to living a long, happy life was always having something to look forward to. This something can be as simple as game night with the girls, date night with your hubby, a night of a relaxing bubble bath and some soft jazz music, etc. Whatever the case may be, make sure you plan these little jolts of fun and put it on your calendar. Research shows that looking forward to future fun and actually seeing it on your calendar (no matter how small) can give you an immediate boost.

Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: Anxiety, choosing joy, depression, Joyful Mind Project, step parents, step-parent anxiety, stepmoms, today's modern family

Noreen Lambert’s Blended Family Kitchen

March 12, 2012 By Diane Greene

As the holidays were upon me last year, I began perusing the internet for some good edible gift ideas and came across my new favorite YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen! Noreen had me at “hello” when I was able to recreate her fabulous coconut and brownie macaroons and I got rave reviews from my coworkers. Over time, I found out that Noreen also lives in a blended family. She, her husband Rick and her two daughters make it work! I was intrigued by how all members of the family join Noreen in the kitchen, which I also feel is so important in bond building with families. The kitchen being the center of the family, Noreen has it down pat! With that, I had to interview Noreen. TMF Readers, I hope you enjoy my interview with Noreen Lambert as much as I enjoyed chatting with her. Not only do I now have a new cooking mentor, I’ve made a new friend in the process.

Diane: Noreen, let me begin by saying that I am so excited to have this conversation with you. I have been a big fan of your YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen, for some time now and thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

Noreen: Oh thank you Diane, I am extremely flattered that you would have me here.

Diane: Your YouTube channel is a fabulous outlet for women like me who aren’t experts in the kitchen but love to cook. What inspired you to cook for an audience?

Noreen: I don’t have a great answer to that question, except that I wanted to do it. I’ve been into making videos for the past 3 years now but before that I was just a viewer. One night, I thought I would make a dinner. At first, I wasn’t great at editing, I had to learn the learning curve, actually learned an awful lot. I wanted people to come into my kitchen and feel like they are sitting at my kitchen table.

Diane: Growing up in a blended family and having a blended family currently, what is your perception of how a blended family should operate?

Noreen: I think that I have two different ideas. My father died when I was 10. My mom remarried soon thereafter. My stepdad was my father’s very good friend. However, I was daddy’s little girl, so the loss was very devastating for me. I will admit, I was not easy to live with and I probably didn’t really accept him as my stepfather. I didn’t disrespect him but I had a hatred for him until my early 20’s. My family works because it works for us. Everyone is different. When I was growing up we didn’t have “blended family” we were told and were expected to be “just family.”

Diane: What do you think caused you to feel hatred?

Noreen: Because he was replacing my father. We, my brother and I had always known him as “Uncle Paul” and as soon as my mom and Paul came home from their honeymoon, I was told that he was no longer to be called “Uncle Paul,” but either “Paul or Daddy.” A giant paradigm shifted in my life. If I call him Paul, I will upset my mom and if I call him dad, I am being disloyal to my deceased father. That was a lot of pressure. Of course, every family has issues that have to be dealt with in one way or another, but sometimes its easier to brush them under the rug and hide them which only causes more pain. I have a brother 5 years younger and he didn’t know we had a blended family because the “step” part of it was all he knew. I, of course, had a different experience as I knew my father well, I was ten. I was his little girl. My brother had horrible guilt that he never knew our father. As parents we all make mistakes and we can’t fix them but grow through them. I never got permanent closure from losing my dad. We just had to grow thru it.

Diane: How do you think these experiences have affected your parenting?

Noreen: As a mother now, I am painfully honest with my children. When I separated from their father, they were 2 and 4. 18 months later, Rick and I met and we finally married 3 years ago. Rick has a daughter in Vegas and she dislikes me. I know what she is going through as I went through the same situation. She doesn’t accept me in that respect. She is 14. I never would have guessed that my stepdad would be a fabulous dad now but I got really lucky. Every family has their dysfunction. My kids accept Rick as their dad.

Diane: Do you find that your belief system is a lot different than that of your parents when you were being raised in a stepfamily? Is there anything you purposely do different?

Noreen: Very much so. I do a lot of things different from my mom. My mom is very “everything has to be planned.” That doesn’t work for me. Growing up, we had a living room that no one sat in, a dining room that no one ate in. I am totally different. We have to live for today and I want my kids to grab life by the “balls” and that they should try everything and realize that there is nothing in life that they can’t do whether they live in a blended family or not. You have to pick your battles.

Diane: What lessons did you take from your personal childhood experience that you may or may not want to bring into your current experience?

Noreen: We are a team. Our family growing up wasn’t a team. Parents were parents and kids were kids. In my house we play on the same team.

Diane: A lot of times, stepmoms feel the need to overcompensate or to be the “fixer of all things” for their husbands, stepchildren, children, etc. What advice would you give people who are suffering from what I call “super stepmom syndrome?”

Noreen: Its funny you should ask this. I always feel guilty if I don’t make something better. Being a woman in general we feel obligated that we have to make everyone happy all the time. Society in general makes us feel this way. When I am cooking on the videos, I always say “it doesn’t have to be perfect.” I am by far not perfect but I think that the most important advice I can give is to “forgive yourself.” Be easy on yourself. We can only fix what we can fix. I spent a lot of my life worrying about what I couldn’t fix. The sun still comes tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.

Diane: Those statements are extremely powerful and so true. You speak my language Noreen. As a stepmom, what do you think is the most important lesson you have learned through this journey?

Noreen: That you just have to let things be. She doesn’t have to like me. It has to be organic. You cannot put a seed in the ground and do nothing to it and expect it to produce a fruit. You just can’t. You have to let it happen naturally. The bottom line is the seed gives me a guarantee that if I water it and take care of it, it is going to give me something back. But you have to nurture it and feed it and work at it. You don’t just have a relationship; you have to work at it. People automatically think that just because their children, they don’t have to work at it. They are still people. Everyone has to work at relationships. People discount children because they are children. They have feelings.

Diane: You and Rick make a great team on camera as I am sure you do in your married life. What impact has Rick had on your girls?

Noreen: He is very patient and very accepting. Having been in the military for so long he knows how to delegate. He never expected anything from them which goes back to that organic relationship. It has grown from there. Their relationship was never forced, it always happened on the kids terms and they were able to build trust in him. How I was raised is “we are going to be a family whether you like it or not.” That doesn’t work.

Diane: One thing I notice about you and Rick is that he is very involved in helping you with your YouTube channel (i.e., filming, commenting and even cooking from time to time). I think it is wonderful that the two of you exhibit your “love and support” of one another the way you do. You laugh together and you make us laugh. It’s very important in remarriage and in any relationship to nurture it. Do you agree?

Noreen: If I can be humorous,I think the greatest way to learn about how to have a good marriage is to screw one up! My first marriage didn’t break up just because of my husband, we both played a role. Nurturing your marriage is the most important lesson I can give people. The first time around, it was very important for me to be right and for him to be right and now it doesn’t matter who’s right. Your reward for hard work in your marriage is the reward of your good relationship.

Diane: To keep in line with tradition, I ask all of my interviewee’s this question. What do you do for fun?

Noreen: Go to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, Virginia. I also craft. I love crafting. Another past time, is that I love to play on the Wii. I am also a movie and trivia junkie.

Diane: Noreen, it has been a real pleasure interviewing you and thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world. We are doing our best to serve blended families and we love to acknowledge great, successful blended families when we get the chance! Thank you for stopping by and letting me pick your brain not just on the issue of stepfamilies, but with regard to my favorite pastime – cooking and baking.

Noreen: You’re so very welcome Diane. I very much enjoyed our time together and thank you for having me.

Noreen Lambert is a wife, mom, stepmom and homemaker who loves to cook. You can find Noreen’s channel on YouTube with the tag name of atticus9799 and at www.noreenskitchen.com.

Filed Under: The Modern Kitchen Tagged With: blended family issues, cooking, Diane Greene, Divorce, healthy stepfamilies, Love & Marriage, Love and Marriage, Noreen Lambert, Noreen's Kitchen, remarriage, stepfamilies, stepmoms, stepmothering, successful blended families

All Moms Need Self-Care

August 8, 2011 By Kela 4 Comments

The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.

I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.

Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us. Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.

Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: children, girl's night out, moms, motherhood, mothers, parenting, self-care, step children, step parenting, stepmoms, stepmotherhood, Wives

Kick the Barnacle Syndrome to the Curb This Holiday Season

December 21, 2010 By Kela Leave a Comment

kickingwoman This is a repost by author, stepmom and all around awesome superchick, Wednesday Martin.

Many of you asked me to elaborate on the topic of “Barnacle Syndrome,” which I touched on briefly in a recent article for StepMom Magazine. Barnacle Syndrome may be especially acute during the holiday season, so here goes.

If you’re feeling like you just got “tacked on” to your husband’s life–that it’s all about the way he and his kids do it, that you have lost your connections to your traditions, your family, your strength your identity, your self–and are experiencing it especially over the holiday season, here’s what’s likely going on…and what you can do:

1. Feeling like a Barnacle means there is an imbalance of power in your marriage or partnership with a man with kids. Stepfamily and gender researcher Jamie Kelem Keshet writes about how women with stepchildren are more likely to be married to men who are older and more established; to move into his place “because it’s easier for the kids” or because it’s bigger; to move away from their families of origin/relocate to be with their husbands (who sometimes move to be closer to their kids); and, if they are themselves childless, to feel special pressure to take on a “maternal” role with his kids. I’m personally a poster-child for Barnacle Syndrome. When we married, my husband was seven years older, much more established, living with his adolescent daughter. I was younger, single, more mobile. I lived hundreds and hundreds of miles from my family of origin, was less established in my career, had no kids of my own. And so it only made sense for me to sell my car and most of my stuff and move in with him. And become a mother-like figure to his daughter. Right?

Holy inequalities, Batman, what a recipe for potential disaster! I remember looking around “our” house one day and realizing my contribution was a couple of throw pillows and a lamp. Meanwhile, my husband’s daughter already had a perfectly good mother and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. She was also an adolescent and like all healthy adolescents, felt the need to separate and differentiate far more acutely than the desire to have another quasi-parental figure in her life. My feeling of losing myself and my past and my very identity, and feeling overwhelmed by a role I didn’t even understand, came to a head as our first Christmas together approached, and my husband informed me that his plan for Christmas day was to spend it driving six hours round-trip to pick up his daughters from their mother’s place, “Since that’s what I’ve always done.” Cue tape of confused, frustrated wife and stepmother going postal (my husband, to his credit, listened to me and realized this was not an auspicious way to begin our annual Christmas tradition as a couple. He opened up his mind, and we made a plan that worked for both of us, and for our marriage).

Feeling and being “tacked on” like a barnacle to your husband’s previous life is common–but it’s not a normal, inevitable, or natural state of affairs. It’s a sign that you and your partner need to reset the balance, and get to a place where you feel like and are true partners, equals in the household and the relationship.

2. If you’re feeling like a barnacle or outsider, make a priority to change that, and do it stat, since power imbalances create resentment. In fact, you might say that the road to divorce is paved with power imbalances! Whether it’s an unequal distribution of household work, a sense that his kids have more say than you do in the family, or a feeling that you are living in a “haunted house” since you moved into his place, Barnacle Syndrome is a sign that you and your spouse have work to do. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. Once you give this feeling of imbalance and being on the outside a name, you are in a much better position to address it!

3. You might need help from a professional when dealing with the charged topic of feeling like a barnacle or outsider in your own home. Until you and your partner get there, though, there is plenty you can do. Let your partner know–without a trace of anger or resentment in your voice (I know, it’s hard, but let’s be strategic here!)–that you want this holiday to feel balanced, festive, and comfortable for everyone. To that end, let him know you’d like to have your own family, your own friends, anyone who helps you feel supported and understood, around a lot this holiday season. Avoid situations where it’s just you, him, and his kids. Not only because you will feel better, but because the research shows that often, when stepparents, parents, and step/kids all come together without others around, it activates everyone’s anxiety about being an outsider. His kids of all ages will likely feel relieved if your friends and family are there to make things a little more interesting, and cut down on the sense that you’re all trying to feel like a “real family,” whatever that means. With that pressure off, you might find that his kids are open to some one-on-one time with you (stepfamily members also bond well one-on-one).

4. In addition to bulwarking yourself with supportive friends and family during the holiday time, consider doing less. If his kids are in a loyalty bind, the less you do on their behalf, the less they will have to feel indebted to and ambivalent about you. Rather than being a martyr who bends over backwards to cook all their favorite foods, for example, set the bar at being welcoming and appropriately open to interactions with them, based on their cues. It can make the difference between feeling depleted and drained and enjoying the holiday.

5. Finally, remember to get out. We’re so stuck in the “first family head” when we think about what’s best for stepfamilies. Guess what? Experts agree that stepmothers especially need time away from their husbands and stepkids when they’re around. It helps us rejuvenate and reset, and prevents stepmaternal burnout. In addition, you will seem like less of a “Dad hog” if you let the kids of any age have alone time with their father while you’re out doing something you really enjoy.

wednesdaymartintn Wednesday Martin is the author of the highly recommended and surprisingly honest book, Stepmonster. In it, she tells the truth about being a stepmom, backed by solid research and personal experiences. Wednesday Martin has worked as writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She has been a stepmother for nine years and lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. Please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com to learn more.

Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: barnacle syndrome, blended family, Christmas, divorced dads, Jamie Kelem Keshet, stepfamilies, stepfamily, StepMom Magazine, stepmoms, Stepmonster, stepmothers, Wednesday Martin

Step-Mom’s Guide To A Stress-Free Holiday Season

November 11, 2010 By Diane Greene Leave a Comment

santas woman Never fear….Holiday stress and anxiety is here! As the holidays quickly approach, some of you stepmoms may be feeling stress not just over the usual holiday cooking and baking rituals, shopping, gift-giving, etc., but also over issues that usually come along within the blended family during the holidays. Coordinating schedules, decorating, colliding traditions, step-sibling rivalry and separation anxiety that some children feel having to be away from one bio parent or the other during the holidays can make an already stressful season even more stressful. At times, this can cause stress within your direct unit because your spouse may also get bent around the axle in dealing with these same issues.

During the holidays some of you may feel like crawling into a hole because of the chaos even though it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Stepmoms especially have to remember to try to adopt stress-free holiday strategies not just to avoid that stress and chaos, but to enjoy this special time with family. Here are a few stress buster ideas for you step-moms:

Create Your Own Traditions and Keep Some Old One’s Too. As we know as stepmothers, we are often looked past during special occasions. Sometimes we even feel like we are outsiders at certain family events. I say, create your own traditions. Make your own memories. Trying to live up to all of the old traditions your step kids may have had before you were in the picture will only make you feel more lonely and uncomfortable. However, totally eliminating them altogether is equivalent to throwing out all that is familiar to your step-children.

You Won’t Please Everyone. This is an impossible task and not worth the effort during the holidays or any other time. Trying to do this will only stack the stress higher.

Create a Checklist. Pre-planning is essential in order to stay sane during the holiday season, especially if you are charged with hosting one of the important events such as Christmas Eve dinner. Creating and using your checklist will alleviate stress and allow you to be more accommodating. I do know from the clients I have personally coached, that the one real stress factor on children during the holidays is where they will spend Christmas. Encourage your spouse to pre-plan ahead with his ex-spouse. Encouragement, however, doesn’t mean taking on that particular issue yourself. Let the bio-parents work it out.

Have Realistic Expectations. If you are a new to the blended family, I’ll be honest, there will be disappointments during the holidays. However, the unexpected also brings the expected as well, happiness, joy and cheer. Accept that things won’t be perfect and don’t overdo yourself. This in and of itself will lessen your load and allow you to strive for grace and will alleviate stress.

Every woman who has the grand opportunity to be a stepmother knows that being a stepmom is not for the faint of heart, can be one of the most challenging opportunities you will face and can be an even harder job than being a mother. However, for me, it has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life and has been and will continue to be a journey that I would gladly do over again. The holidays can be a huge adjustment for us stepmoms, but we can do it with grace, joy and a little eggnog!

Have a Happy Holiday Season,
Di

Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: blended family holidays, Christmas, stepmoms, Thanksgiving

Are You an Anger Junkie?

October 14, 2010 By Kela Leave a Comment

momfrustrated I was watching the MoNique Show the other night; one of the rare occasions when I’m actually awake (it comes on at 11pm) and happened to catch it. In her opening comedic monologue she talked about being an “Anger Junkie.” Now of course she put her comedic spin on the term and had me cracking up, but as I pondered on the term I realized that there was a lot of truth to her jokes.

We all get angry of course and I think getting angry can sometimes be beneficial. If you supress your feelings for too long and then release the anger, your anger explodes in a way that leaves you with the feeling of regret. Simply put, bottled up anger affects your judgement. Acknowleding your anger and dealing with it before you explode increases your chances for controlled anger. The bottled up anger turns into habitual anger (you’re just mad all the time – sometimes without jusitification) and this is what leads to becoming an anger junkie.

Often times when we talk to a remarried couple, husband will say something like, “She’s just mad all the time and I don’t know why,” or “She just nags me and the kids all the time.” I say to myself – yep, she’s an anger junkie. Because stepmoms are taught to keep it bottled in due to the fear of being labeled as wicked, that anger seeps out over a period of time in different forms (habitual anger).

According to Dr. Steven Stosny, a therapist who treats people for anger and relationship problems, problem anger is habitual — habits run on automatic pilot, processed in the brain much faster than conscious awareness. You are never aware of most of your resentment or anger; by the time you know you’re resentful or angry, it’s already in an advanced state. He further explains how the jolt of energy you get at any level of anger works like an amphetamine or “speed.” Anger junkies use this jolt of energy frequently in response to an emotional need. For example, they only feel confident when they’re angry, or anger is a response to their anxiety or they use it to enforce a sense of entitlement. These anger junkies who act like bullies. They are hurt so they go overboard to make sure you hurt as well. They feel less confident about themselves, so they put you down to feel more confident. They get upset because you disagree with their opinions and as a result, “making you pay” consumes them.

Is there treatment for ange junkies? Dr. Stosny says that effective treatment for problem anger cannot merely reduce the emotional feelings or arousal of anger; it must restore a state of self-value that is more stable than whatever lowered it, which will replace the habit of blaming with a motivation to improve. And it has to do it fast.

Are you an anger junkie? Take the anger junkie test below to find out.

I use anger or resentment:

For energy or motivation (can’t get going or keep going without some degree of anger)
For pain-relief (it hurts when not angry)
For confidence (only feel certain when angry)
To ease anxiety
To avoid depression
To enforce a sense of entitlement
To punish or inhibit honest disagreement with opinions
More than once a day, and when you experience anger, it lasts for more than a few minutes

Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: anger, anger junkie, anger management, Divorce, Dr. Steven Stosny, Ex-Wives, MoNique Show, remarriage, Stepchildren, stepfamily, stepmoms

There is No Magic Formula Stepmoms

September 10, 2010 By Kela 2 Comments

teensdivorcedating I’ve had the pleasure of talking to many many stepmoms over the years and what I realized is that most of them desired some magic formula for acceptance; either that, or they were confusing the definition of the word altogether. Most wanted to know that if they love and support their husband and be the best stepmom they can be to their stepkids, then they will be truly loved and accepted by their stepchildren. Their constant need to be accepted loved by everyone consumes them to the point that they forget that they must focus on other components of their overall family in order to be a successful stepfamily and yes, you can be considered a successful stepfamily even if the stepkids don’t like you.

What stepmoms must realize is that it will take much more than just being like Carol Brady to get the stepchildren to like you. Often times, your actions aren’t even the deciding factor at all. What has to happen first is mom/ex-wife has to free her children to love. She has to let go of any hurt or apprehension regarding her ex-spouse’s remarriage and having another maternal figure in her children’s lives. She has to be free from allowing her negative emotions to influence her children’s decision to accept you. No matter how subtly, she cannot imply that she will feel betrayed if her children actually like dad’s wife. She has to stop perceiving you as some sort of threat before any of this can happen. So as you can see, it really doesn’t matter how loving, caring, kind or compassionate you are as an ex-wife/mom’s negative feelings has much less to do with you and more about her own internal struggle.

Next, what has to happen is that dad has to be free of guilt parenting and committed to the both of you putting forth that unified front for his kids. Doing so, will show his kids that the evil villian (you) did not make dad her puppeter, but instead, he is actually committed to being her parnter. This will send the message to the kids that there is no point in trying to break up the union, so you might as well get on board and do your part to make the stepfamily work. When children realize that their divide and conquer strategies won’t work, they usually concede. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will like you, however, but they will respect you.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you should completely give up. It just means that you have to change your perspective regarding what makes a successful stepfamily and how you go about achieving that. Most stepmothers think that you have achieved success when the kids are finally in love with you and this is simply not the case. Very rarely does a stepfamily operate like a first family, so if you have this goal in mind from the start, you are doomed to fail. Instead of forcing your way through the children, continuously work on your marriage. What I’ve discovered is that a stepfamily can be stable if the ex-wife/mom or even the kids don’t like you, but your stepfamily will fail if you and your spouse aren’t in sync. A more realistic goal is to work in an area where you already are accepted and that’s with your spouse. Constantly work on communication and dating your spouse; things that first marriages even have to work on. Build a union that is based on common goals, trust and mutual understanding and then present this model to your stepchildren, through example. Develop a co-parenting plan that consist of house rules and consequences that you both agree upon and present this to your children, as a unified front. Doing the aforementioned will allow you to build a stepfamily based on respect, which will increase your chances of eventually building trust as a family, instead of feeling like you have to bear the task alone.

It’s all about changing your focus, stepmoms; realizing that your stepkids don’t have to like you, but they have to respect you in order to make your stepfamily work. Kids need order and consistency to feel safe in a world that has just become so unpredictable for them. Developing a co-parenting plan, a consistent routine and a family mission statement that you all agree upon is a much better formula for success.

Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: blended family, Divorce, divorced dads, Ex-Wives, guilt parenting, loyalty binds, permissive parenting, remarriage, step parenting, stepfamily, stepmoms, stepmothers

Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Mom Must-Haves

August 18, 2010 By Kela 3 Comments

torideankids Star of Bethenny Getting Married, Bethenny (Frankel) Hoppy and actress, Jessica Alba both admit to a night nanny being a must have. Modern momma, actress and star of hit reality show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori Spelling swears by the Orbit stroller. Star of the movie, “The Kids Are Alright,” Julianne Moore says that traveling with mozerella cheese sticks and crackers for her two kids is a must have and modern momma and actress, Nia Long says that having her “Nia” time is a must!

But whether or not you’re a celebrity, most days modern mommas are juggling so many things that it feels like they have a celebrity’s schedule. If you’re a modern single momma who’s having to do it all, you probably can’t or should I say, shouldn’t, live without your “me” time. If you’re a modern stepmomma, raising someone else’s kids, a glass of wine may top your must have list. If you’re a modern working momma, a routine is probably essential for you.

We checked with some Today’s Modern Family modern momma readers and friends to see what their mom must haves were and compiled a list of the top ten. Because we are advocates of our modern mommas taking good care of themselves and we know must haves don’t have to be specifically for the kid, we encouraged our readers and friends to list something that they personally need to get them through mommyhood. Are any of your must haves on the list? If not, add them in the comment section.

As a new mom (again) to a 4 month old cutie pie and mom to a 13 year old, I must agree with number 1 on the list; ten minute power naps. Delina Hill-Brooker, co-author of Revealing and Healing, says that there’s nothing like a 10 minute power nap to quickly rejuvenate yourself. Another one of our modern mommas said that a glass of Berringer White Zifindale does the trick for her. McDonald’s Ice Coffee is another one of our modern mommas drink of choice. She said that it’s a definite mom must have.

jaimeearl Spicy Wifey co-founder and celebrity make-up artist, Quin says that she can’t live without her Jaime Earl Organic Skin Care line!

Many of our modern mommas confessed to not getting enough of paper plates. The less dishes they have to do the better and I must agree!

Studies do show that exercise releases endorphins that make you happy and a few of our mommas can’t live without that gym time.

As a mom and stepmom, with kids coming and going like ping pong balls, a rountine was essential especially when my son and stepson were very young. Modern single momma of 5, Chamar Folson couldn’t agree more. A rountine tops her list of mom must haves.

”As a mother of 5 children, the most important thing for me is a concrete evening schedule. Children thrive on structure and it helps keep them well rounded when they get older,” explained Folson.

Author of bestseller, Mircales of my Mistakes, and divorced modern momma of 5, T.Smith, swears by Godiva’s dark chocolate maccroons – yummy.

Several of our mommas must have daily meditation or spiritual time with God. Modern momma, Jina Helms said that she worships God daily through song on her way to work and on her way home, and won’t go a day without it.

“It’s my woosah moment and keeps me prepared for all of my jobs; mom, wife and employee,” said Jina.

design by Tiffany Kendall of Glass House Coutoure

CEO and lead designer of Glass House Coutoure and modern single momma, Tiffany Kendall, said that she can’t live without removable wall decals. She says they are a must have for moms because they can easily personalize their kid’s room with them.

As a working mother, I can definitely relate to more than a few of the above. I can’t function without a daily dose of “Kela” time, those 10 minute power naps are a great “pick me up” and paper plates save me time on doing the dishes. What about you? Tell us what you just can’t live without.

Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: Glass House Coutoure, Godiva, Jaime Earl organic skin care, Miracles of my Mistakes, mom must haves, moms, motherhood, parenting, removable decals, revealing and healing, spicy wifey, step parenting, stepmoms, stepmotherhood, T. Smith

Stepmoms Stop Whining

August 11, 2010 By Kela Leave a Comment

momfrustrated The title of this post may seem a bit harsh but as a reformed whiner baby, let me explain what I mean when I say, “quit your whining!” Like Peggy Nolan, publisher of Stepmom’s Toolbox blog and co-host of Stepmom’s Toolbox radio show, said in a recent guest article, “you can’t make someone love you by the number of things you do,” so quit whining about everything you do and everything that’s done to you and just stop doing it. Now before I get a load of emails from ex-wives and even some stepmoms, claiming that the big bad stepfamily counselor told them not to love their step children and/or support their husbands, I can assure you that that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that it’s okay to verbalize what you will and won’t do, instead of doing it and then whining about it later.

The number one stepmom complaint that I’ve heard, read and even experienced is they [husband and ex-wife] makes plans for their kids without consulting me, yet they expect me to be involved in the plans. For example, husband and ex-wife sign kid up for little league soccer, but neither of them can take him; or they scheduled an orthodontic appointment for you to take her to, without consulting you. I know it isn’t right but you don’t have to whine about it. You don’t even have to get angry. All you have to do is say NO! Let’s use the same orthodontic appoint ment to illustrate what I mean. When you find out that the appointment has been scheduled for a time that you can’t take her and no one has consulted you, you simply go to your husband and say, “honey bear, sugar foot, cupcake, baby (whatever pet name you use), you really should have consulted me prior to scheduling that appointment because I can’t take her. Since you two made the plans, one of you will have to take her.” If hubby says, okay and he’ll have ex-wife take her then you further explain that he’ll also need to be present for drop off and pick. And you let that be the end of the story. You don’t have to fight, get angry, or give him attitude about it. You simply have to state what it is that you will and won’t do and then go about your business.

As I stated earlier, I am a reformed whiner baby. I used to whine and complain all the time about how my husband and his ex-wife would take advantage of me. They made plans all the time and he got up and went to work and she was no where to be found. Bear in mind that I had to go to work, too. He just left before me and I was always left, baffled asking, “what in the hell just happened here?” After complaining for years, literally, I realized that I was becoming a bitter whiner that was just unpleasant to be around. That was until I got a clue; I actually have more power over the situation than I think because I can simply say no and let them deal with it. Now this of course ruffled the ex-wife’s feathers, but my husband actually understood where I was coming from because I approached him the right way. From that point on, he never made plans without consulting me again.

Here’s the revelation ladies: you have way more power than you think you do and will fair a lot better and reduce stress by controlling what you can instead of trying to control how everyone feels about you. Running yourself into the ground by doing a bunch of things in hopes that you’ll be appreciated or considered the good stepmom only makes you a bitter person. Additionally, remember it’s all in how you approach your hubby as well; just say NO, without anger or attitude and go on your merry way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be and fit this unattainable notion of what a stepmom is. As I’ve said before, a stepmom doesn’t have to be the resident punching bag in order to be a good stepmom but often times, it’s the stepmother herself who places herself in that position. Just know that you can be loving, kind, supportive and caring without being taken advantage of. Putting your foot down (in certain situations) doesn’t make you bad, but it will keep you sane.

Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: challenging role of stepmom, step children, stepfamilies, stepmoms, stepmothers

(Step)Martyrs Are Not Lovable!

July 30, 2010 By Kela 7 Comments

This story was first published by Peggy Nolan, Founder of The Stepmom’s Toolbox,

headshot Sometimes I think if I see one more stepmom write:

“but I do everything for them! I cook, I clean, I chauffeur, I help with homework, I clean up their mess, I wipe their snot, and I work full time! I do it all and my (step)children turn their nose at me. They don’t respect me! They don’t appreciate me! And they never say ‘thank you!’”

I’m going to respond, “Of course they don’t!”

Why? Because you’re nothing more than an unending supply of give, give, give so they can take, take, take!

Your cause of giving produces a like effect of taking. There’s a payoff for both the taker (they get their every whim catered to) and the giver (you get to moan, groan, and complain ad nauseum about all that you do for a head tilt, a nod, and a little tea and sympathy).

In Winning Love, Wallace D. Wattles states, “you do NOT make people love you by the number of things you do for them. If they love you, it will be for what you ARE.” Stepmartyrs (and martyrs in general) “overdo the matter of service” and without fail “receive the contempt” of their step-children and in many cases, their husbands.

Stepmartyrs are not true, authentic people. You want to be liked, loved, and appreciated but you go about it in a tried but misguided fashion. Instead of being YOU, you pretend to be someone you think everyone else expects you to be. You deny who YOU really are. You stifle your authentic and glorious self. You make the mistake of “sacrificing yourself for others.”

What if, instead of sacrificing yourself, you made the MOST of yourself for others? Maybe your answer depends on another question: Do you want others to pity you or love you?

Wallace asserts that “If you wish to be loved, you must live your own life. And the more full and complete the life, the more love you will win.” When you grow you, when you become a better you, you inevitably become more loveable…and that’s what you really desire…to be loveable.

Are you ready to start living your own life and make the most of YOU?

What three Stepmartyr things can you give up in the next 30 days?

What three things can you develop in the next 30 days that will help you become a better you?

Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: Divorce, martyrs, Peggy Nolan, remarriage, stepfamilies, stepmartyrs, stepmoms, stepmotherhood, The Stepmom's Toolbox