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Super Stepmom Syndrome

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day; a show about overwhelmed moms. They talked about everything from discipline to co-sleeping to the expectation of having to do it all as moms. One mom confessed, “Most days I hate being a mom and just want to run away.” Dr. Phil replied with this question, “How many of you moms in the audience can relate to this mom, please stand up?” The entire audience of women stood up. Dr. Phil then assured her that she was definitely not alone and proceeded to tell her that she needed to learn when to let go, allow her husband to assume more responsibility and take some time for herself. He assured her that the world or her family would not fall apart if she did those things as we all have to recharge our systems, from time to time, in order to maintain our sanity. “Children need a mother, not a martyr,” he said.

Dr. Phil is right. It certainly isn’t uncommon for many moms to feel overwhelmed and at times, feel like hanging a “FOR SALE BY OWNER” sign on their children’s chests and place them in the driveway. As moms, we often do feel the need to do all and be all for and to everyone. Our emotions cause us to go overboard in wanting everyone to be okay that we often times allow those emotions to guide our decision making. In the process, we neglect to take time for ourselves. Can all of you moms out there relate to what I’m saying?

Now here’s a thought: STEPMOMS OFTEN FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY, except the feeling is magnified times 10! Stepmothers feel the pressure and expectations from all angles; their husband, his kids, the ex-spouse and her kids as well (if she has any). As a result, some have a tendency to react to the emotional stresses within the stepfamily by becoming over-involved. It’s called the Super Stepmom Syndrome.

Stepmothers who suffer from Super Stepmom Syndrome step into the marriage trying to do it all. She wants  his kids to automatically love her; the ex-wife to be her best friend; her husband to realize what a fabulous mother she is to his kids and EVERYONE to be one big happy family. She wants to be involved in every single aspect of her husband and his kids’ lives. She doesn’t want to be left out of any decision, whether it directly affects her or not and she wants to be recognized for being the mother of the year; the one who is keeping the family together and at peace. Her intentions are good, but she can be just as forceful and intrusive as an intrusive and forceful ex-wife!

Super stepmoms need to first learn that they are no more entitled to every single area of their stepchildren’s lives than the ex-wife is. There are certain decisions that will not require your input. For example, you are not automatically entitled to be at every single parent teacher conference just because you are married to your stepchildren’s father. If you are invited, then that’s fine. But if not, don’t push your way in because you think you’re the new sheriff in town. Your spouse can inform you of anything that you need to know regarding the conference. Otherwise, let the biological parents handle that situation.

The next thing super stepmoms need to learn is how to relax and the art of when to make a point, and when it’s not necessary to do so. For example, if your husband invites you to that school conference, but his ex-spouse has a major problem with it, then step back because it’s not a battle that you just HAVE to fight. It’s the super stepmom’s insecurities that make her prone to fight for that sense of control. She might fear that if she isn’t involved in every single decision with her husband and his ex-spouse that her husband might do something stupid; something that she might not be able to live with. Additionally, she might even fear that she might wind up looking like the bad guy if she doesn’t prove that she loves her husband’s kids, and therefore wants to be involved in every aspect of their lives. All of these misguided fears and insecurities often end up backfiring and causing her a significant amount of undue stress.

Just like those moms on Dr. Phil, super stepmoms need to realize that you don’t have to be everything to everyone in order to prove your love or keep an illusion of control.  It’s healthy to just focus on yourself sometimes, and the more issues that you can let go of and allow the biological parents to handle, the better you will be for your stepfamily. Like Dr. Phil said, children need a mother/parental figure, not a martyr. Letting go and stepping back, in certain areas, doesn’t mean that you are a horrible step-parent. Remember, that every parent, including step-parents, need to recharge, from time to time in order to maintain their sanity. Ericka Lutz, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting, offered some great tips for the super stepmom in her book.

1. Don’t take over.
2. Don’t try to do and be everything; you’ll only fail.
3. Try to do less and you’ll achieve more.
4. Be a duck and let society’s expectations roll off your back like water. Nobody out there knows the reality of your life.
5. Work to build a relationship with your stepchildren. Don’t pretend like there’s a wonderful relationship when there’s not.
6. You cannot change EVERYTHING.
7. In certain areas, remember that you might have some influence, but no control.

Relax, relate and realize that learning the art of letting go can be a huge stress reliever. Work on building trust with your spouse so that you can allow him to handle areas in which your involvement is not required, instead of trying to control handle every situation. You will find that it enables you to be who you NEED to be, not who you or society thinks you HAVE to be in your stepfamily, without losing yourself in the process.

The Package Deal by Stepmom, Izzy Rose

One of my favorite stepmom bloggers is Izzy Rose over at Stepmother’s Milk. She is also the author of my new must read called The Package Deal: My (not so) glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. In it, Izzy delivers a story and message with the right amount sass and comedic flair that really helps you forget your struggles as a stepmom, or at least view them differently. The Package Deal is not only something that all stepmoms can relate to, but it will have you literally “cracking up” as well. Below is an excerpt from the book.

The L Word

I knew how to love, but I didn’t know what that maternal type of love felt like. I imagined that it must be similar to how I felt about my own mother, my father, Gram. I gave my love to them freely, without thinking about it. And I never ran out. I always had more.

When Hank and I first got together, I guessed there were many who assumed – or, like Hank hoped – that I’d instantly fall in love with his boys, too. But that wasn’t the case. I was charmed by the boys right away, and most days, even now, living with them, I was tickled by the things they said and did. But that didn’t mean that was going to be first in line to donate a kidney. I know this sounds pretty awful, but let’s be honest – how many stepmoms love their stepkids at “hello”?

The truth was, I just didn’t feel that way about The Tall One and The Young One yet, and I had to wonder, would I ever? I cared for them a great deal. I was very fond of them, but did I love them?

I’ve long felt that society expects women to feel exaggerated sweetness for anything with a heartbeat, especially c hildren. Like we were all born with an indiscriminate gushing gene. How did this rumor get started? Children may be easier to love than, say, your office cube-mates, but it’s not instant. I’ve always been quick to point out the obvious – children are just small people, and people aren’t always easy to love.

From beginning to end, The Package Deal offers practical advice that is universal to both stepmoms and even moms; such as learning to surrender your expecations, the importance of alone time with your spouse and creating boundaries. It is a book that every new stepmom must add to her list of “must haves.”

BFSO loves the Package Deal and we KNOW that you’ll love it, too, so much so, that we are giving away a copy to the first reader who responds to this question; Should you invite the ex-wife to your wedding??? Find out what Izzy did in her new book, The Package Deal; My (not so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. You can answer the question in the comment section below or simply email your response to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Healthy Inner Living Part II: Befriending Yourself

“Where Am I when I need ME the MOST?………..Mugs Holifield”

There were so many good chapters in Sue Patton Thoele’s book, “The Courage to be a Step-Mom” that I had to share some more of her knowledge with our BFSO readers.

In reading this book, I realized through her writings that for women, true friendship is not something we just “want or desire” it is something we absolutely “need” and is necessary for our own healthy well-being.  Our girlfriends build us up when we are down, they catch us when we fall, they stand beside us and support our dreams, our needs and even our “silliness” as Ms. Thoele says.  They celebrate with us, mourn with us during times of grief and a lot of the times help to anchor us as women.

Ms. Thoele posed the following question in her book that had me really doing a lot of my own soul searching and exploring:  We have our “friends” but are we the same friend to ourselves? As she did, I ask you BFSO readers the following:

1. Are you encouraging rather than critical?
2. Do you matter-of-factly accept your mistakes as opportunities to learn valuable lessons from?
3. Are you gentle and kind to yourself?
4. Do you surround yourself with like-minded people?
5. Do you honor yourself for who and what you are?

These are just a few, but ask yourself these questions.  If your answers are in the affirmative, then you are being a true friend to yourself.  One of the most important things you can do is to be your OWN FRIEND FIRST – LOVE YOURSELF – and, then, and only then, will loving others be so much more rewarding for you.

In her book she also talks about “filling up our reservoirs.”  In our daily lives, if we do not “fill up” we run the risk of draining ourselves emotionally and physically.   I can relate as  my calendar is so packed at times, I feel like pulling my hair out — TIME TO TAKE  ME TIME!   Learn that YOU ARE NOT INDESPENSIBLE! You will be surprised at how well your children, your husbands and your family members can do without you for a day, an evening, or even a weekend!  You will have nothing left for anyone if you do not tend to your own needs and take care of yourself.  DO NOT LOSE YOUR SELF-IDENTITY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS!

Lastly, being good to ourselves sets an awesome example for our children.  It teaches them to take care of themselves as well as teaching them self-confidence, self-esteem and SELF-WORTH!  As I previously stated, after reading this chapter, I re-read it again.  I have often allowed myself to become overwhelmed as a mother, wife, legal assistant to my boss…..the list goes on.  Most of us women/mothers have been guilty.  Stay strong and balanced.  The most important message we can send to our children is that it’s OKAY to VALUE  YOURSELF!   Stay strong ladies and gentlemen (this goes for you too!)

Peace and Blessings,
Di

So Unfair – comments from another reader

I have heard many complaints, over the years, from divorced dads regarding unfair child support payments! It is something that my husband and I have struggled with, too.  It is an issue that can be the death of the blended family.  Sometimes divorced parents will continually make this issue about them, and it’s easy to do so because your finances is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, it’s not about what your ex doesn’t need; it’s about what your child needs. If parents always consider the best interest of their child, then there shouldn’t be a problem. So, divorced dads don’t be stingy with your money by not paying child support or paying less than what your child deserves. You are not hurting your ex; you are hurting your child. And, divorced moms, don’t try to empty your ex’s bank account. Remember, that your child still has to have visitation with his father, and he has to have a house and money to take care of his child during visitation. You are not hurting your ex; you are only hurting your child. With that said, read the following comments from one of my readers and my response to her.

sad step mom Says:
August 25, 2008 at 5:51 pm e

I agree that both parents should support the child. I don’t agree that only the non-custodial parent should be doing so. What do you do when a custodial parent lies about daycare, education expenses, dance classes and so on just to get more money because she is financially irresponsible. The court doesn’t even require proof of such things. But we don’t get to even know the name of the dance studio or the daycare. She even tried to get her ex mother in law to tell the court that she paid her weekly for daycare. Thankfully the Ex MIL said she would not lie in court. We pay a huge amount of money and have no say in the childs life. We are lucky to see the child 6 days a month. She has had numerouse contempt charges based on all of this but we still can’t get joint custody.

 My Response

Thanks so much for your comments! They are always greatly appreciated.

Let me start by addressing what I perceive to be issue number 1: most of the financial burden falling on the non-custodial parent. I whole-heartedly agree that the child DESERVES to be financially, emotionally, and physically supported by both parents. But, that does not necessarily mean that the support will be totally equal. In regards to child support, it is set up so that the child continues the same lifestyle that he would have lived if his parents stayed together. Just because you get a divorce or split from the mother or father of your child doesn’t mean that you are any less responsible for caring for that child. As such, if the non-custodial parent can afford to pay more (without breaking his bank, of course), then he will likely do so. The child support system, in most states, considers both of custodial and non-custodial parent’s income when setting up child support. I know it can sometimes feel unfair, especially when the non-custodial parent isn’t allowed to be as involved as he would like to be (trust me, I know firsthand). But, don’t misplace your anger; sometimes excess emotional baggage can cause us to do this. Meaning, if we are really really mad at the ex-wife/baby’s mama (justified or not), then any and everything she does or we have to do as a result, is wrong. Is your husband really the only one financially supporting the child?? Unless he is paying for her mortgage or rent (shelter for his child), her car payment (transportation to get his child back and forth), food expenses (his child has to eat), health insurance (health care for his child) etc., then he is definitely not the ONLY one supporting the child. I’m certain that it takes a whole lot more than what your husband is paying in child support expenses to raise a child. I don’t doubt that his monthly child support payments help out a great deal, but that’s what he’s supposed to do; whether he sees the child or not. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. You can’t punish (withhold child support) the child because of something that his or her mom is doing.

In regards to issue number two- your husband not being able to see his child. I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s a hard pill to swallow to know that you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, but you aren’t allowed to be actively involved in your child’s life. It’s unfortunate, but this part of the system is not set up to produce favorable results for the father, who is often times the non-custodial parent. As I explained in one of my posts, Judges seemingly have tunnel vision when it comes to these family law issues. They assume that all dads are deadbeat dads and the moms are helpless hard workers who only want what’s best for the child. When the truth of the matter is that many dads just get tired (or run out of money) of fighting. It’s extremely taxing on the dad and the child. Not to mention, that there are many moms who could care less about the best interest of their child; they are more interested in just sticking it to the ex. I’ve worked and am still diligently working hard to change this. They have to start viewing these cases on an individual, instead of a generalized basis!

With that said, your husband certainly has a right to be informed and involved in his child’s life. I would suggest getting a good attorney to set up a visitation schedule that is in the best interest of the child.

Mediation is no Place to Deal with Hurt Feelings."

I recently asked an attorney and fellow blogger, to shed some light (from an attorney’s perspective) on the topic of mediation. I’m sure you’ll find it insightful!

What is Mediation?

Mediation is the process by which two (or more) parties attempt to settle a legal dispute with the assistance of a neutral third party (mediator) whose job is to help the parties work out points of agreement and reach a “fair” result that they both can live with. More and more, mediation has become the preferred means of legal dispute resolution, and has become particularly popular in resolving domestic relations disputes (divorce, child custody, visitation, etc.) because it frees up courtroom dockets and tends to produce results that are more agreeable to the parties. In fact, most judges will now order men and women to participate in mediation before he/she will hear and decide issues in dispute in a divorce or child support/custody situation.

Mediation Process

For anyone who has never had the joy of going through a mediation, this is basically how the process works.  The parties agree (or a judge orders them) to meet with a mediator.  Mediators are specially trained individuals (often former practicing lawyers and judges) who are familiar with the law, but whose job is guide the parties toward agreement.  Mediators are paid by the hour, and usually the parties split the cost of the mediator (but are still responsible for their respective attorneys’ fees).  There is usually a three room set up; one room for all parties and their respective counsel to initially meet together, and then two rooms where the parties will stay in for the duration of the mediation.  After the initial meeting of the parties and “opening statements” where the parties state their issues and positions, each party goes to their respective rooms.  The mediator meets with each party in turn, discussing the demands of the parties, the strengths and weaknesses of their respective positions, and ultimately tries to get the parties to reach a middle ground.  The key principal that the mediator is working from, and attempts to get the parties to realize, is their BATNA — Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement.  Basically, the BATNA is what is most likely to happen if the parties are unable to reach a settlement, and typically is a worse outcome than one that the parties arrive at on their own.

Why Mediation?

So why mediation instead of just letting a judge make a decision?  The truth of the matter is that judges don’t like making decisions for people. But that seems like their job, right? Yes and no. Yes, judges can make decisions by applying the letter of the law, but it’s preferable that the parties reach an agreement/settlement on their own and the judge merely approves such an agreement. The reason for this is that strict application of the law often times leads to a situation where you are splitting the baby. This is even more so the case where domestic legal disputes are involved because often times, the parties aren’t just fighting over who gets the kids on what holidays or what school the child should go to….. the issues are much deeper, more intangible, less rational, and a judge just does not have the time to deal with all of those issues.  Mediators, on the other hand, are trained to deal with these issues, particularly family law mediators.   In fact, family law mediators are required to go through special training in addition to the regular mediation certification course so that they know how to deal with the unique issues that arise in family law disputes.

Does it Work?

So does mediation actually work?  Yes and no.  In theory, both parties will be rational participants and the mediator will assist them in sorting through the emotional baggage to help them determine what the real issues are in the situation….. separate the wheat from the chaff.   Ideally both parties will compromise so that the result is a win-win situation.  Anyone who has been through a divorce or dispute with child custody/support knows, however, that this is the last place to look for rational people.  Because reaching a decision in a mediation is entirely voluntary (contrasted with arbitration, where the arbitrator does have the power to make a binding decision) a party can continue to drag his/her feet, be difficult, and basically stick to his/her agenda of making the other person’s life as difficult as possible.   In the non-family law setting, the primary consideration is money, so the avoidance of litigation costs serves as effective leverage.  When there are feelings involved, however, creating excessive costs of litigation may be a motivating factor.  Rationality goes out the window, and with that the potential efficiency and benefits of mediation.

Keep in Mind…..

One key principle that parents and ex-spouses should keep in mind is that the legal system is not the place to deal with hurt feelings.  The purpose of the legal system, including the mediation process, is to provide resolution to true legal disputes, not to avenge wrongdoing, seek validation, or keep the other party in a person’s life (as dysfunctional as that involvement is).  Mediation has the potential to produce positive results, but both parties must have the desire to compromise and come to an amicable conclusion in order for it to work.  It is somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy– if the parties believe it’s not going to work, then it’s not, and vice versa.

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