Celebrating Stepmom on Mother’s Day

May 9, 2013 By Leave a Comment

motherdaugtherTMF Readers, as I was thinking of my own fabulous post to write about dealing with Mother’s Day as a stepmom and thinking of what knowledge I could impart upon you, I came across this very powerful ode to an obviously special stepmom written by Katherine Stone of Babble.com.  It brought tears to my eyes as it was very reminiscent of my own feelings toward my own stepmom.

Of course, I will acknowledge that not all of our readers here at Today’s Modern Family will share in this experience as we acknowledge that not all stepchildren share a good experience with their stepmoms.  With that being said however, there are many stepmoms who through the years have never given up, that have worked hard at the relationships they share with their stepchildren (Kela and myself alike) and this ode, whether we feel the love right now or not, will give those stepmoms hope that their stepchildren may one day, when the smoke clears, also feel the same way.  Today’s Modern Family would like to say Happy Mother’s Day to all moms and stepmoms out there and wish you all a wonderful and blessed Mother’s Day!

A Mother’s Day Ode to Stepmoms Who Never Quit

Written by:  Katherine Stone for babble.com

Dear Mom,

I think I was nine or ten when you took me on. You decided to get married to my dad and, with that, take the responsibility for his two children, children who had been through a lot and were very unsure.

You hadn’t ever had children, so to march right in to the lives of two elementary school kids with confidence and caring was quite something. Being a parent now I can see that.

You tried. You worked so hard. Even when we said we didn’t like the food you cooked because it wasn’t like our other mom’s, you kept on cooking. Even when we wouldn’t ride in the same canoe with you, both of us preferring to stay in our dad’s on a family trip because we just didn’t feel right with you yet, you kept on paddling. Even when it took a long time for us to get used to the idea of calling you mom, you kept on caring.

I’m sure it was frustrating and sometimes hurtful, yet you didn’t let that stop you. You continued to show us you loved us and you wanted us to be healthy and happy. You kept trying to prove that you were there for the long haul and that we could count on you, and oh how we needed someone to be able to count on.

You waited us out. You were patient and you never quit. You leaned in and held on tight and it worked. Thank you. Thank you for coming into our lives when you didn’t have to and being willing to love us as your own and for working so damn hard to convince us that we were, in fact, your own.

I am your own.

I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

Katherine

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Brady Bunch Syndrome

February 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

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Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

January 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Trust is the key component to a successful marriage and especially in a remarriage. You have to be able to trust each other in order to present a united front to your children. If you don’t trust your spouse, you won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to be your co-parent with your children. You won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to solely handle decision making with their ex-spouse and overall, you won’t be an effective team and life partners. That being said, remarried partners who bring children into the marriage, are also presented with more opportunities to break trust just due to the complex family dynamic.  If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild or maintain trust in your marriage, consider the following helpful tips.

Do What You Say You’re Going to Do – When trust has been broken by one or both parties in the marriage, remember it’s the little things you do that will help to rebuild it. Think about it this way – when you are trying to build and maintain trust with your child of divorce, it’s important to be on time for visitation, keep communication open and honest, and overall, do what you say you’re going to do, right? Well, it’s no different when you’re trying to rebuild trust in your marriage. Do what you say you’re going to do; even regarding the simplest things such as bringing sugar home on your way from work. If you’re consistent over time, even when it comes to the little things, you will start to rebuild trust in your relationship.

Safe Communication – it’s important to feel safe enough to communicate in your relationship to rebuild trust. Pick a spot in your home and label it the no judgment zone. In this zone, you are both free to communicate how you feel without judgment. BUT, use “I” instead of “you” statements. “You did this, or always do that” are statements that put people on the defensive. Instead say “I feel this way when you do this.”

Don’t Continuously Bring Up the Past  – Even when you are both working hard to rebuild trust, be advised that there are still times when you are going to disagree/fight/argue. When this happens, remember to fight fair. Don’t bring up old issues , if you have already resolved them.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones and Words CAN Hurt – Words that are spoken in the heat of the moment when you are both very angry can knock you three steps back when you are trying to build trust.  So if you and your spouse are arguing and are boiling mad, take a breather. Step away from the discussion, collect yourself and remind yourself that you are having an argument WITH YOUR SPOUSE; not a co-worker or a stranger off the street – YOUR SPOUSE. Don’t say things that you might regret or that won’t be easily forgiven or forgotten.

No Instant Fix – You have to gradually rebuild trust over a period of time. Be patient with each other as you both work to regain that trust you lost and find happiness again.

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Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”

November 4, 2010 By 6 Comments

glanvilleI’ve done a couple of stories on the whole Glanville vs. Rimes saga the past couple of months because I have been following this story for quite some time now. Today, Brandi Glanville, actor Eddie Cibrian’s former wife, finally broke her silence about his affair with country singer, Leann Rimes that ultimately broke up her marriage. Glanville appeared on new hit talk show, The Talk, to finally talk about the affair and divorce. She addressed the co-parenting tension between her ex-husband and his girlfriend, her recent arrest for drunk driving and making things better for her children.

Glanville expressed that the affair was a complete surprise to her because she thought they were happy. She said that they had normal marital issues during their 8 year marriage but nothing that she thought would end it. For a while she questioned whether or not it was her. She wondered if she was pretty enough, skinny enough. blonde enough. She went blonder, got botox and did what she felt she needed to do to feel adequate; only it didn’t help. After a year or so, she finally realized that it wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough, but Leann was just different. Not necessarily better, but different.

When Sharon Osbourne questioned whether or not Brandi had a drinking problem due to her recent DUI arrest, Brandi was adamant about not having a drinking problem. She admitted that she does drink when she’s feeling upset or lonely, but says that her mistake was driving that day. She went on to say that it is difficult for her to only have her children part-time, especially when she’s used to having them full-time. She said that it’s chaotic when they’re with her, but way too quiet when they are gone. Glanville admitted to getting lonely and not really knowing how to deal with it.  She also said that it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have her ex-husband’s house number to  get in touch with her children when they are with her.

In spite of everything that’s happened, however, Brandi said that her ultimate desire is to make peace with Leann Rimes for the sake of her children. She said that she reached out to her on Twitter to request that they sit down and discuss things, and Rimes has agreed to do so. Sharon Osbourne said that Leann contacted her to get her advice because Osbourne was the other woman at one point, and Osbourne encouraged her to meet with Glanville.

eddieleannMy Commentary on the Issue: Brandi Glanville seems like an absolute sweetheart and it is clear that Eddie just wanted something different because she is an attractive woman. I’m glad that she has stopped blaming herself and is trying to figure out the best way to handle this unfortunate situation for her kids.  Although I suspect that Brandi’s reactions to the affair and divorce have given her ex-husband “reason” to prohibit her from having his home number (let’s face it, not many would do that for no reason at all), I think he could have been a bit more sensitive and handled the situation better.  I don’t blame Glanville one bit for losing it at some point, after she heard about the affair and for having to deal with Leann. My gosh, she’s human. Her husband cheated on her and now she has to try to co-parent with him and his mistress. I’d be pissed and “wilding out,” too! Cibrian could be a bit more understanding and patient; realizing that HE brought this on because he didn’t handle the dissolution of his marriage properly. He should have told Glanville that he might be falling for Rimes BEFORE he started sleeping with her. I can’t stand it when a guy cheats but tries to make everybody think that the person he cheated on is crazy. She’s not crazy; she’s just mad and rightfully so.

That being said, I’m still confused as to why resolving the situation is all up to Brandi and Leann. Huh? Everybody’s advice to Glanville and Rimes is that they should sit down to figure out where they go from here and how to make the best of the situation for the kids’ sake. Isn’t it mom and dad’s responsibility to do that? I’m not faulting Rimes for the affair. All she did was fall in love with the wrong person and that happens sometimes. People keep saying, “but she knew he was married.” News flash…he knew he was married, too but that didn’t stop him! I don’t care if Rimes walked on set butt naked with an open invitation. As a married man, the one who took the vows with his wife, it was Eddie’s responsibility to decline the invitation. Both Eddie and Leann, however, need to be patient and understanding with Glanville. Instead of blocking her from calling the home phone, let her know that they are sorry that she’s hurting but want the best for the kids. I think it’s nice of Leann to accept Brandi’s invitation to talk and they probably should eventually. But, the first “sit down” needs to be between Eddie and Brandi. He needs to let her know that he was wrong for handling things the wrong way and he’s sorry for hurting her. Sometimes a woman just needs to hear those words to begin the healing process and make it easier for everyone to move on.

So let’s assign some of the blame and responsibility to its rightful owner. I am so sick of everyone talking about what Leann and Brandi should be doing to make things better. Why aren’t we talking about what Eddie should be doing to make things better for his kids? My advice would be for Eddie to contact Brandi first, so that they can discuss how to move forward as co-parents.

I wish them luck and I hope they work this out for the children.

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Reframing and Redirecting Our Emotions

October 20, 2010 By Leave a Comment

 

familyblendIf you are new to the uprising blended family phenomenon, what may seem like a colossal event really may just be a common blended family problem that can be combated with a little time, understanding and effort by all parties involved.   As we all know, marriage is tough.  Remarriage is even harder.  Stir in a couple kids from one or both sides and you have a whole new set of dynamics.  However, just like the art of baking, if you get your measurements down to science, you can come out with a great pastry.  The same holds true with the blended family.  As soon as you learn to (a) put your marriage first, (2) reframe and redirect your emotions and your reactions to certain situations, and (3) decide commit to not allowing discord to seep into your marriage, your blended family then becomes strong and life-giving. 

How do you start?  In my experience, it began with the choices I was making.  When you choose to look at your situation from a view of discord and discontent, then you will get just that — discord and discontent.   Choosing to reframe my discord with commitment in the face of a desire to run away when a problem arose was the first step.  Remember, the picture you are facing is still the same, you are just “choosing” to reframe the way you look at it.  It also helps to be understanding.  Everyone craves to be understood within the unit. 

For example, say your stepson or stepdaughter is jealous of the time you get to spend with his/her dad or mom and has vocalized that to you on many occasions.  You have tried everything to make him/her understand that you are not trying to steal his or her parent.  Instead of working overtime to prove to a child, or teenager for that matter, that their parent matters to you, reframe it it for for yourself.  Get to a place where you don’t expect that to annoy you anymore.  Stop fighting that fight.  Let your step-child know, unequivocally, that you are there for them if they need you, but you are not going to concentrate on those types of negative situations.  Consistently find the good in the situation and express the same.   By doing this, you are setting the example of redirecting emotions in a positive direction.  Your stepchildren will eventually follow suit. 

Let’s be honest, I know that feelings and emotions sometimes can get the better of us.  But, if we acknowledge the importance of maintaining healthy relationships with our blended family members, everyone involved will be more eager to do the same.  Accepting that sometimes we may simply be over dramatising an issue or situation will help us release, reframe and redirect our emotions to a better place.  All of which benefits the blended family as a whole.  Here are a few tips to help:

  • Form new reactions to issues.  Analyze what upsets you the most about a particular situation and determine a better more desirable reaction to use the next time.
  • Try using relaxation techniques. 
  • Let go of your anger.  Remember, misdirected anger can actually make the situation worse.  Make sure before you approach a situation that you are clear about what you are really upset about.
  • Don’t fall into a “default” mode of sensitive emotion when you are just tired, not feeling well, etc.   At times, we can allow our previous “moods” to affect how we handle a current issue.
  • Get in touch with your emotions.  For example, if I happen to wake up very edgy or anxious about something, I feel precarious all day.  I have to hit rewind and start over.  Remember, emotions can lead you down the wrong path when issues arise.  REFRAME!

TMF Readers, don’t get in an emotional rut with your blended family common problems.  Visualize positive futures for yourself and your blended family.  Use your power of choice to make choices that will lead you toward living your ”happily ever after.“

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Challenge or Opportunity?

July 20, 2010 By 2 Comments

greengrassfamilyHandling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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What are your top (re)marriage concerns?

July 12, 2010 By 5 Comments

coupleswingchildMany of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues.  When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him.  Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.

Diane and I firmly believe that the source of strength for the stepfamily is the marriage. If the marriage is not solid, the stepfamily won’t be.  Our focal point is not on getting the children to love their stepmom; getting the stepmom to be friends with the ex-wife or getting the divorced parents to be friends. Although there is nothing wrong with any of the above-mentioned, it isn’t what we think is necessary to create a solid stepfamily. The stepfamily can still survive if the stepmom and ex-wife aren’t best friends. It can survive if the divorced parents aren’t friends, but it will not make it if the remarriage is in disarray.

And so, we want to hear from you? What are some of your top (re) marriage concerns? You can either leave them in the comment section of this post or email us directly at info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. The follow up article will be filled with tips based on your concerns.

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When Counseling Doesn’t Work

June 30, 2010 By 2 Comments

womanluggageAlmost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

madcoupleAnother reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

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Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

June 9, 2010 By 3 Comments

stepfamilylife1We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Stepmom Standards

June 3, 2010 By 3 Comments

womancrossI was watching Dr. Phil the other day. Comedian, actor and author, Steve Harvey was on talking about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Steve Harvey’s wife also appeared on the show and Steve told the story of when he knew that she was the woman for him. Apparently Mr. Harvey had been a player and one time when he and Mrs. Harvey (she was his girlfriend at the time), were on an overnight date, Steve’s phone rang in the middle of the night. It was another woman and he actually took the call. Mrs. Harvey said that she calmly got up and started packing her things. Steve asked her what she was doing and she replied, “I’m going home. You can be a player if you want to, but I’m not going to have any part of it. You will treat me with respect.” Steve told Dr. Phil that it was at that moment that he knew that she was the woman for him because she had standards and expectations and she made them perfectly clear.

There is a chapter in Harvey’s book on setting standards. “Here’s what’s happened over the years. Women’s standards and requirements have lowered. And as men, we know that. We have taken advantage of it. We’ve created terms that we feed to women that allow us to exist as we do. We created the term nagging. There’s really no such thing as nagging. As soon as a woman starts registering her complaint, we call it nagging. We let you know it will drive us away,” said Harvey. “So many standards have been lowered by women that now a man doesn’t have to climb over a very high bar to get to her. So now you have more men who can get away with more things with more women without any repercussions, ” he explained.

I am going to have to agree with Mr. Harvey. Many times women lower their expectations for how they should be treated based on what other people will think of them and this holds true for the stepmother as well. The stepmom or future stepmom might believe that she can’t require her husband or future husband to treat her a certain way because he has kids with another woman. She might feel like she can’t demand respect in her home because then she will be seen as the evil stepmother. She might feel as if she can’t expect her husband to make their marriage a priority because she will be seen as the woman taking him away from his kids. There are many other situations and reasons why a stepmom or future stepmom might not want to make her expectations perfectly clear, but I caution them not to lower their standards and expectations. Like Steve said, when women lower their standards, a man doesn’t have to work very hard to get to her and he is able to get away with more things. He’s able to use the “it’s for my kids” or “but she’s the mother of my children” excuse for mistreating you. It’s okay to put your foot down and demand to be treated as you would if he had never been married and didn’t have kids. This doesn’t mean that he is disowning his children or disrespecting the mother of his children just because he treats his wife or future wife the way she should be treated.

That being said, setting standards is different from delivering ultimatums and/or whining. When Steve Harvey’s wife left that night, she didn’t say you have to stop or I’m going to leave. She told him that he can be a player if he wants to, but she wasn’t going to have any part of it.  Stepmoms need to apply the same method to their respective situations. Realize that you can’t force someone to behave the way you want them to and after talking or arguing about your feelings for so long without change, then it’s time for YOU to take the situation into your own hands. Often times, when people are confronted with conflict we give our power to the person we’re in conflict with. We do this by continually whining about a situation that we’ve expressed our feelings about, over and over again, and still expecting the other person to take action. What we must realize and accept is that sometimes that other person just isn’t going to take action and we must be prepared to take that next step either way. Stepmoms need to start setting standards early (before you take the trip down the aisle). If there are things that you know you won’t tolerate, make it perfectly clear early on and be prepared to act on it so he knows what your expectations are.  Let him know that he can continue the behavior, but he can do it without you.  Let him know that you won’t tolerate rude and invasive exes or disrespectful children, from the very beginning. Tell him that you understand how everyone must feel, but you will accept no excuses for being mistreated in any way. Outline your standards and make your expectations of him perfectly clear. Make him work for you because you are worth it.

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