My Other Dad

In a recent Good News article, I announced that our blended family was growing. Both my son’s stepmother and I had babies 4 months apart. We have always supported each other in a healthy way,  encouraged sibling relationships and given our children the freedom to love. I’ve never told my son how to refer to his step-parents or what to call them. I’ve just always emphasized that we all love him and that he’s lucky to have two sets of parents who want the best for him. When talking to my son, I have never used the adjective “step” to describe any of his parents. I wanted him to create his own titles based on the relationships he formed with each of us. As a result, he refers to his parents as “my other dad” or “my other mom.” It’s amazing what effect our supportive and encouraging attitudes have had on my son’s younger brother (the child that my ex and his wife share).

For example, because babies equal sleepless nights and my son’s stepmother is here by herself until my ex returns from overseas, we support each other by carpooling. Both boys attend the same school (the school is K-8th grade), so my husband takes the boys to school in the morning and stepmom picks them up. This past week, on their way to school, the boys were discussing wrestling with my husband. Well, my husband was extremely tickled when my son’s brother said, “My other dad knows a lot about the old wrestlers.” Keep in mind that he doesn’t have a step-parent! Because we have given our children the freedom to just love, they are accepting of us all. He feels that since his brother has two sets of parents and these people accept me as well, they must be my parents, too.

Here’s the revelation: Children desire connection, a sense of belonging and to be loved. Whether they desire to be part of a family, a team or a clique at school, they want to belong. They are much more accepting than what we give them credit for. It is the parents that dump their toxic behavior, views and bitterness on them and influence their decisions and free will to love. If we look at the bigger picture and realize that these kids will be left with each other and not our bitterness, once we are gone, it should be easier to not impose our issues on to them. Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll never have any issues as co-parents (that’s unrealistic). It just means that you should leave all children out of them, and not allow those issues to prevent you from supporting their relationships with all involved parents and siblings. Co-parents, please support and encourage your child’s relationships within his stepfamily. Trust me when I say that the long-term benefit will far out weigh your short-term satisfaction.

Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Challenging Role of Stepdad

Being a step-parent takes perseverance.   The stepdad experience can be challenging, and at the same time, rewarding for some men.  For those going through the challenging times, I hope that this article will provide you some tools that you can use to get you through this time.

Some adult children of divorce that I have spoken to have said that the fact that their stepdads did “not” have to stay in their lives or to necessarily “be” a father to them, but they did anyway, spoke volumes to them and to their self-esteem once they were able to get past the “juvenile” issues that most children of divorce experience.  If their biological father was still alive  and didn’t make much of an effort to “father” them and their stepfather did, they felt like as children, they idolized the person who was absent because it was easy to fault the parents who were making them obey the rules, do their homework and clean their rooms; basically the person who helped to provide them structure.  However, it wasn’t until their late teens, early twenties that they realized what the title, “father” really meant and for several of them, that meant their “stepfather.”

One of the pitfalls that some stepdads face is the mere fact that their wives only want them to parent when there are good times.  When bad or challenging times hit, some of the complaints I hear from stepdads is that  they are not allowed to be a parent.  However, as Kela and I have often discussed in prior posts, being a reinforcement for the biological parents at all times, including when the bio parents aren’t available is key.  Children need and want structure and discipline.  Structure and discipline equals love.

Recently, I read a great article written by Ron Deal (Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies) called The Effective Stepfather:  A Checklist to Live By.  In his article, Mr. Deal states that “Stepfathering can be challenging.  Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities.  The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.”

Some of the struggles stepdads face are all too common.  For example, a great number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting their stepfather and will often defy his decisions and cause all kinds of chaos and frustration within the blended family.  Another example of struggles stepdads face is the expectation process with their stepchildren.  Often times, men come into the stepfather relationship expecting that their stepchildren will automatically respect them and hold them in high regard.  For the children involved, they have to immediately take heed that you are in their life whether they like it or not;  however, what we as parents fail to realize is that we chose to get a divorce and to remarry, our children did not.  The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding.

Here are a few tips from Mr. Deal’s checklist to focus on in your journey:

• Initially Provide Indirect Leadership.  There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships:  1) positional power and 2) relational power.  Initially, you have positional power (because of being the male head of household) but later comes the relational power (the ability to form a relationship).  Take your time.
• Express Your Commitment.  Articulate your commitment to your wife but keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren.  In fact, they may be threatened by it.  Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.
• Communicate Your Role.  It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role in the beginning.  Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place.  Tell your stepchildren you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for them.
• Be Approachable.  Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you.  In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for the child’s heartache).
• Manage Stress and Your Anger.  Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do).  But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents.  When stress and conflict arise (and they will) make sure you manage yourself well.

As Mr. Deal so eloquently states, and I agree, “Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk.  Give them every reason to believe it is.”

To me, the above statement holds true for both stepfathers and stepmothers.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

Jason Mesnick and Molly Melaney Wed

The Mesnicks from People Magazine

The first divorced father of the hit reality show, The Bachelor, married contestant, Molly Melaney in a rainy California ceremony on Saturday.

You might remember Jason as the bachelor who caused a lot of chaos when he initially gave his final rose to contestant Melissa Rycroft (who has since found love herself) in the season finale of The Bachelor last spring, but then changed broke off his engagement on national television to pursue Melaney instead.

Jason’s young son Tyler (Ty) was part of the ceremony as well. He ran down the aisle a minute before Molly did, and Jason said that he had a talk with him. Thirty seconds later, his blushing bride appeared on the stairs and Jason started crying.

Catch their big day on an ABC Broadcast which airs Monday night at 8 pm. The first ever Bachelor couple to wed and on national television.

We wish this modern family the best of luck!

The Stepmom Stepback

One of the most valuable assets that I’ve received from founding Today’s Modern Family is the people that I’ve met along the way. I learn so much from other stepmoms, adult children of divorce, stepfathers and even ex-wives just from maintaining TMF. What I appreciate most are the ones who allow us to take a candid look into their own life; sharing the triumphs AND mistakes so that we may apply them to our life making it a little easier for us to navigate through our own stepfamilies. One of those stepmoms is Erin from The Erin Experiment. I appreciate her honesty and thought that one of recent posts would be helpful to other stepmoms. It’s called Learning the Art of The Stepmom Stepback! It kind of sounds like a dance move, huh? Please see the post below and tell us whether or not you’ve learned this new dance move.

Erin says…

I was a hot mess in 2009.

My husband was out of town for most of the year and I had a lot on my stepmom plate. If you haven’t gleaned from last week’s posts, I felt like hope was almost certainly lost and that Super Stepmom Syndrome was going to be the death of me.

Like a lot of stepmoms, I’m a doer and a hopeful peacekeeper. I want everyone to like me and for everyone — my husband, my stepkids and their mom — to feel more at ease because I’ve got things under control. Everyone in Erin Experimentland had a tough 2009, not just me; however, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure everyone’s life was easier.

Trying to make sure four other people’s lives are easier is like trying to arrange peaceful talks among Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea and the folks in the Gaza Strip. It’s practically impossible to do and you’ll likely not survive intact.

I could feel the weight of trying to be everyone’s peacekeeper tugging at my soul. No matter how nice and accommodating I tried to be to everyone else, there was always something keeping me from taking full care of myself.

I spent most of 2009 struggling to figure out what kind of Stepmom I was. I had essentially thrust myself into my husband’s Dad role during the week and then felt depleted on the weekends he was home. I couldn’t figure out if I was coming or going and it impacted everything from my marriage to my waistline.

I stayed on this roller coaster for almost a year.

About a month ago, my blog intervened on my behalf. I’ll spare the details but suffice it to say, I was relieved of a lot of my during the week Stepmom duties. And I’ve never felt more normal in my entire Stepmom life.

I had spent so much time trying to be the second coming of Mom and Dad that I completely lost myself. It’s hard to figure out who you are and what your role is when Mom and Dad are wanting and expecting you to step up and keep things running smoothly.

Some time around my birthday, I was having a discussion with some members of the Stepmom Posse about how I could untangle myself from this intricate web I felt I had woven myself into.

I asked, almost desperately: How do I step back and reclaim my Stepmom role again?

I’ll never forget what honorary stepmom Jen Newcomb Marine of NoOnestheBitch.com told me: You need to subtly step back and let your stepkids’ Mom and Dad be just that: Mom and Dad. They brought these children into the world and they are the one’s responsible for making sure the kids are taken care of. It is not your job to be the family peacekeeper. Sure, Mom and Dad will make mistakes and forget things — just like you are capable of doing — but if you become a Helicopter Stepmom and don’t give everyone room to fall down or screw up then you won’t have done anyone any good, least of all yourself.

She, along with Izzy Rose, another stepmom friend named Jen, and my trusty, insightful mom reminded me that being “Family Peacekeeper” wasn’t part of my marriage vows. I didn’t enter into the state of matrimony so that I could make everyone happy with my organizing capabilities. I got married because I wanted to be my husband’s partner and because I love him.

So now, I’m practicing the art of the Stepmom Stepback. I’m learning to not get involved in matters where Mom and Dad should be the ones making the decisions. If someone has a doctor’s appointment or needs money for a field trip, guess who isn’t making the appointment or writing the check anymore?

It’s been a tough role to remove myself from. There have been instances where I felt like I should speak up or just do something or volunteer to do it so that everyone is less stressed. But then I’d just be falling right back in to the same routine.

For now, I’m learning to take better care of myself. My radio show co-host Peggy Nolan would be proud of how much self-care is going on at Casa de Erin Experimentland. I try to do yoga at least once or twice a week; I don’t worry as much about the little things anymore and I feel much happier than I have in a long time.

I’m still trying to figure out where and how far I should step back. Ladies, have you had success figuring this out? Anyone trying to get started? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Spring Into Your Wedding Colors for the Summer

So he’s popped the question and now the race is on to get everything done before that magical day of marital bliss; but wait where do you start?  There so much to do?  The first thing my girlfriends and I use to think of is, “What would be your colors?”  Do you choose his favorite color and your favorite color to collaborate?  What if his favorite color is orange and yours is magenta?  Well worry no more; I have some of the most popular color combinations for Spring / Summer 2010:

• Teal and Coral
• Vintage Purple and Sky Blue
• Emerald Green and Cream
• Mauve and Wine
• Lilac and Sky Blue
• Win and Blush Pink
• Sky Blue and Light Yellow
• Mocha and Blush Pink
• Warm Gray and any Pink, Coral, Blue or Purple
• Olive and Mauve
• Mint and Vintage Purple

Although these are some of the most popular colors for the early part of our new decade, it is important to incorporate a personal style that is shared with both of your new families so why not get the children involved. Consider the fact that this is likely a difficult time for the children and whenever possible, get them involved in the wedding plans to make them feel part of the celebration. My suggestion, make a game of it.  When everyone is together, grab the top three color combination from the list above (please feel free to add or take away from the list), make sure the colors are separate from each other -making it six colors–, put the different options in a hat or basket and have the children draw until empty, and stand next to each other with their different colors.  Mix and match the children and the colors until a combination is decided.  It’s fun for the children, makes them feel like their opinion matters and makes them feel as if they won’t be left out because mom or dad is getting married.

Additionally, it’s important to realize that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to planning a second chance wedding. If you and your fiancé have daughters that are relatively the same age and you’re having a difficult time deciding who will be the flower girl, just have two flower girls. The same holds true for the ring bearer. Allow one son to carry one ring and the other son to carry the other. Create your own rituals so that everyone feels part of the wedding celebration and start your life out with an effort to be a cohesive unit. Finally, keep in mind the final decision is yours, but the kids will enjoy and appreciate that you have thought enough of them to include them in on this important decision.

Happy Planning!

Lynn Maxwell

XL Events, LLC

Lynn Maxwell, a single mother of one, is the Event Director of XL Events, LLC; an event planning company located in the Indianapolis area. She has expertise in planning spectacular events, including wedding receptions, concerts, poetry events and more. She XL’s in making your events happen! For more information, please send an email to xleventsllc@yahoo.com.

Stepchildren and Discipline

A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship.  A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means.  However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand.  This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage.  Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child.  However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide. It can be hard for the new parent to fit right into the rules of the family, they may not know if the teenager can borrow their credit card or how much allowance they should get.   For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this?  Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building?  Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules?  Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child.  They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner)  – period.   In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”  Your answer is probably “no.”  Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).

Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings.  Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated.  With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone.  This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference.  With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.

As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children.  That is a bond that takes time.  Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline.  Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents.  Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.

Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother.  Here are some tips for you to follow:

1.  Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2.  Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3.  All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4.  Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5.  Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them.  Always discuss it behind closed doors.  This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.

Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them.  Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren).  Let them know your expectations of them.   Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Friendship is a Secret Weapon

I read this post about friendship on author of Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin’s blog, and decided to share this valuable information about friendship with Today’s Modern Family readers. Be sure to check out her blog by clicking on her name.

By Guest Blogger, Wednesday Martin

Do you have a Valentine’s Day hangover? Have you read a million articles and heard a million news reports about marriage and love and crazy proposal schemes and so on over the last days and weeks? Couples and romance are big news-and big business. With so much recent emphasis on the couple bond, romance, love, sex, and so on during the build-up to Valentine’s Day, some other very important relationships may not have gotten their due.

I’m talking about you and your friends. Why you need them, what they do for you, why you literally can’t live (or can’t live as well) without them.

I am honored to find myself a finalist for a “Books for a Better Life” award along with Jeffrey Zazlow. You know him-he co-authored The Final Lecture with Randy Pausch, and more recently wrote The Girls from Ames, a chronicle of the lives and friendships of 11 women from Ames, Iowa over the course of 40 years.

Zazlow found that, in spite of the fact that the women moved apart and lived in eight different states, their friendships sustained them in critical and remarkable ways. One woman lost a child to leukemia. Another battled breast cancer. The women dealt with transitions like divorce, job loss and the stresses of caring for their kids and their parents. Over and over, they supported one another with phone calls, gifts, and emails, extending and benefiting from the tangible and intangible rewards of friendship.

What does science have to say about social support and emotional and physical well-being? You might be surprised. Last spring a New York Times article summarized some pretty incredible research about what friendship can do for us, concluding that friendship is a, if not the, key ingredient in the brew of a healthy life.

A 2004 Ohio State University study looked at the effects of the stress hormone cortisol on lone hamsters versus those paired with a furry friend. Researchers found that skin wounds healed nearly twice as fast in the befriended hamsters. These animals also produced less of the stress hormone cortisol than unpaired hamsters. Here’s something else: if the researchers deliberately stressed the hamsters by putting them in a confined area, those hamsters who had company in the stressful situation produced less cortisol than the ones confined alone. And presence of another hamster increased the hamsters’ oxytocin levels. That’s a feel-good, happy type hormone that is also produced when you nurse a baby or fall madly in love. The study’s lead author concludes, “Stress delays wound healing in humans and other animals, and social contact helps counteract this delay.” That’s right, friendship helps us heal.

Another study of 3,000 nurses found that those without friends were four times as likely to die as those with ten or more friends. And here’s something amazing: the women didn’t have to see or even be in touch with those friends for the friendship to have a protective effect. And just last year Harvard University researchers found that a good network of friends could promote brain health and improve memory function as we age.

Social support is good for guys, too. A Swedish study found that only smoking was a greater predictor of having a hard attack than was not having friends. That’s right, not having friends can be almost as bad for your health as smoking. And as for smoking alone-okay, I’ll stop!

As to your mental health, it seems friendships give us a leg up and a positive attitude, a sense that we Can Do (what woman partnered with someone with kids couldn’t use that?) One of my favorites is the slope slant study. College students were asked to stand at the bottom of a slope and describe its steepness. Those who stood with friends rated the slope as less steep, and the longer they’d been friends with the person they stood with, the less steep they rated it. Climb every mountain -with your best pal.

What does all this mean for women with stepchildren? I don’t think I need to spell it out for you. In a stressful situation your best bet may well be to find some supportive friends, and then hang on like hell. Get out-a good goal might be once a week-away from your home, your partner, and his or her kids if they’re in residence, and have a good time. One of my readers has a regular get-together with friends who have martinis and touch up their color or get haircuts (Okay, maybe the combination of gin and scissors makes me a little nervous, but that’s just me. And we know that even a bad haircut pales in comparison to bad physical and mental health brought on or exacerbated by social isolation!)

You could try a rotating movie night, bowling, whatever works to keep you feeling connected to your pals. Izzy Rose of Stepmother’s Milk is a big proponent of Girl’s Night Out-check out her website for suggestions.

Yes, your spouse is a great person. But research shows that couples who don’t make the extra effort can become isolated in their marriages-marooned together in essence (Gerstel and Sarkisian, “Marriage Reduces Social Ties,” paper for the Council on Contemporary Families, 2007). This can be especially maladaptive for stepcouples, since they may experience aggravating fractures and differences in opinion in their parnterships for the first several years and even longer. Getting out with friends can be a great release and rejuvenator for them, a way to step away from their differences, connect with friends, and feel supported in fundamental and, it turns out, life-altering, if not life-saving, ways.

That’s right. It turns out that friends are the new glass of red wine. Or the new dark chocolate. Or the new green tea. So indulge in friendship, without guilt.

Life After Divorce

There is no easy answer to divorce.  Every family that experiences divorce experiences pain, grief, anger, fear, guilt and especially feelings of sheer sadness.

If you have suddenly been confronted with single parenthood as a result of a divorce, it is a crucial time for you to realize that you must accept change as best you can and move toward revitalization of you and your children’s lives.  However, that is always easier said than done.  An important factor to look for and to seek out during this crucial time is a good support system.  An example can be your church pastor or group, a private professional counselor trained to handle these issues, a good friend or even members of your own family.  You will need help getting acclimated to your new position and, at times, this can be relatively hard to handle alone while you are going through all the emotional changes divorce can bring.

Another important factor to apply is positivity.  Being positive will help during challenging times.  Again, you might say, “easier said than done.”  I agree.  However, focusing on the negative aspects of your situation gets you where?  Exactly….. absolutely no where!  Not to mention, constant negativity makes a child’s transition in divorce ten times as hard to trudge through.  First, they have to deal with what some have compared to a “death” blow to their entire existence with their parents divorcing so in fact, negativity (i.e., involving them in grown folks business or disparagement of your ex-spouse, etc.) during this time only causes them further pain.

If you are in a new remarriage and trying to reinvent and reinvigorate your family, it is so important to communicate with your children about the changes taking place in their lives.  Children are smart and know when things have gone awry in their lives.  They are still in a very fragile acceptance mode with a new remarriage and need stability and lots of care.  Predictability fosters security for children.  Not allowing their whole life to change because of your divorce is crucial.  Keep some sense of normalcy.  Keep them in the same activities, if you can.  Communicate with them about their feelings and the changes taking place around them.  By doing so, you are teaching them how to handle adversity and protecting and preparing them for further changes that may arise in the future.  We often think that if we alter our children’s reality that we are saving them from hurt and pain.  As I said above, children are very intuitive human beings. Not only that, but “protecting” them from reality is not properly preparing them for life.

As I mentioned above, the main component and most integral part of reinvigorating your family is support.  Co-parenting first and supporting your children together will help them accept the changes being made in a “positive” way.  As we often state here at Today’s Modern Family, there are never “ex-parents” only “ex-spouses.”  Another key component is committing to co-parenting with your ex-spouse on a healthy level so as to not interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent.  In other words, the drama between the two of you shouldn’t have to be your child’s drama nor should he/she have to carry that load on their shoulders.  They want to love both parents and have the right to do so.  Again, this is where being positive plays a major role.  In other words, being good co-parents makes the road your children will have to travel a little less bumpy.

If you are living in a new step-family or are about to embark on the path of step-parenthood, keep in mind that your expectations must be in line with the reality of your new position and situation.  The children involved do not have to fall in love with you right away and probably won’t.  On the other hand, the same holds true for you and you are not a bad step-parent if you don’t love your step-child right away.  That relationship will build over time.  If you are a bio-parent, allow your child the opportunity to learn about his/her step-parent on their own terms.  Do not compete.  Do not force your opinions on your children.  Doing so,  will allow you to open the door for your children to make his/her own choices and form their own individual opinions.  That is what you would teach them otherwise if you were still married and in your nuclear family and what you would want in return from your ex-spouse, correct?  Your choices will have a direct effect on the positive or negative energy that your child brings into their new found life as a stepchild.

Children need to feel that they are a part of each of their parents and that means their parents’ families.  Accepting that your own feelings and views about your ex-spouse  or his/her new partner are just that…YOUR feelings and views.  Not forcing them and making them issues for your children only benefit them.  It allows them the freedom of expressing their own feelings and emotions, and allows them to feel validated.

By nurturing not only your children but yourself as well, during this time, you will be setting a clear example of what it means to effectively co-parent and to reinvent and reinvigorate your new life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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