Six Things in the Remarried Co-Parent’s Survival Toolbox

Co-Parenting Plan

The first thing the remarried co-parent should have is a detailed, mutually agreed upon, co-parenting plan. He or she should have one within their household and with their former spouse. Remarried couples and divorced co-parents need to stop making it up as they go along and talk about it, prior to divorce or remarriage. Talk about how to handle discipline, visitation, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. because when you are suddenly confronted with these decisions and emotions are high, those emotions usually dictate your decision making. As such, you end up making a decision based on how you feel instead of what’s best for everyone.

Family Mission Statement

 Arm yourself with a good family mission statement, which all the members of your household are active participants in creating. Remember that especially because this family wasn’t organically made, some effort will need to go into building and maintaining it. Talk about how you want to connect as a family and make every member feel included in this process.

Stepfamily Coach

 Be sure to have a good stepfamily coach/counselor on speed dial as it’s not always helpful to listen to those well-meaning family members and friends. Talking to someone who is experienced and knowledgeable on the issues that you will undoubtedly face will be helpful as you navigate through your remarried co-parenting journey.

Drama Free Date Night

Drama free date night, at least once per month, is a must! Stay connected to your spouse; remember that he or she is your biggest support system.

No Judgment Zone Problem/Solution Box

 No judgment zone problem/solution box is a simple box that is placed in your house for everyone, including the children, to freely drop their concerns in to be addressed. Overall, everyone in the stepfamily just wants to be appreciated and respected and heard! One of the biggest problems that I have discovered with stepfamilies is that they don’t communicate, unless they are fighting about an issue. The stepmom does what she thinks is expected of her. The divorced dad is often the man caught in the middle as he tries to please both women (ex-wife and wife), and the kids feel like they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. Stepmoms don’t hold it in; voice your concerns. Divorced dads, tell your wives how you feel. Kids, we know this isn’t easy for you and we want you to know that we acknowledge how you feel. A problem/solution box gives everyone a voice and shows that you are working to find a solution that mostly works for everyone. More importantly, it allows the children to feel a part of the unit instead of feeling caught in the middle. It also shows them that the success of the family is also dependent upon their active participation.

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations when entering into a stepfamily. Remember, that stepfamilies do not and cannot operate as first families do and it will take time and a conscious effort to build and maintain your modern family. Relationships take time and effort to build, but not force. Establishing realistics expectations in the beginning will minimize hurt feelings and chaos.

Spicy Wifey Giveaway!

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About Spicy Wifey

Spicy Wifey is a lifestyle brand designed to inspire, encourage and invigorate married women and women on the path to marriage.  We provide fashion-inspired apparel and services that celebrate the committed and married lifestyle.  Remember, being a wife is HOT!

THIS IS WHO I AM!

There are two primary choices in life:

1.  To accept conditions as they exist; or

2.  Accept the responsibility for changing them!

This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives.  Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.

For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me.  I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time.  I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family.  I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought.   Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself.  No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME! 

What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy.  As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.”  Life isn’t always happy.  Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive.  Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye.  I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back.  I don’t need approval from anyone but myself!  I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect  individual person.   Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better.   The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating.  The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.

The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing.  With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives.  No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves. 

That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Stepparent Standards

Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments.  It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken.  I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond.  Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject?  Sure.  Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me?  Probably.  However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great.  She is one of the most important people in my life.  She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her.  At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role. 

Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family.  Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is.  One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren.  We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated.  If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP!  Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr.  Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds.  Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.

Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad”  and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family.  This idea is totally unrealistic.  Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time.   Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives.  They don’t need extra baggage.

Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far.  For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance.  You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife.  I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent. 

Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning.  Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children.  For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex.  Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children.  This only adds fuel to an already grieving child.  Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse.  What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse.  This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent.  Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them.  If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent. 

As I always like to state, children live what they learn.  If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that.  Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Building A Healthy Remarriage

A marriage that is not nurtured, eventually dies. Unfortunately, most remarried couples foster the idea that as long as they don’t make the same mistakes they made in their first marriage, their remarriage will be long-lasting and survive any storm that may come it’s way only to be disappointed to find out that it takes much more than just being cognizant of past errors.  Nourishing your remarriage needs to be your #1 top priority.

The demands on marriage today are numerous.  Think about it.  Most couples work demanding jobs, are doing their best to keep the roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs, cooking and keeping up the house, dealing with the exes and handling stepfamily problems.  With all of these demands (and there are many more — too many to list) it isn’t surprising that we end up putting our marriages last on the checklist.  Not to mention, it is usually at the end of a tiring day that we are able to focus on our partner. 

In my opinion, one of the most important ways we can nuture our marriage is to keep a “window” open between you and your spouse, and to definitely keep a “wall” up for people outside of our relationship.  For example, if we are more open with someone outside of our relationship rather than with our spouse, then something is wrong with that picture.  Our very most private moments, thoughts, and feelings should only be shared with our spouse.  This prevents you from being pulled apart.

If you are feeling a little disconnected, ask yourself a few of these questions:

1. What is your spouse’s greatest strengths?
2. How are you helping him/her to achieve their goals?
3. What “walls” have you put up to prevent others from pulling you apart?

Nurturing our marriages is not only important but should be our number one priority.  Your marriage potential will be endless if you put your marriage first.  Here are a few tips and tools to get you on the right path to a healthy, nurtured marriage:

• Trust.  Be  honest, fair and straight with your spouse.  Don’t lie.  Make sure your word is as good as gold. 
• Loyalty.  ALWAYS stand by your partner.  ALWAYS, protect and encourage your life partner.
• Commitment:  Make efforts, everyday, to put more into your marriage.  Put  your spouse’s interests before your own.
• Skills.  Marriage is a lifetime process.  Understand when your partner expresses their needs.  Communicate what you need.  Agree to disagree when you are dealing with an issue where the solution can’t be found right away.  Manage your conflict in a healthy manner.
• Appreciation.  One of the most important attributes a person can have is that of appreciation.  Each party in the marriage wants to feel appreciated and loved.   Show your appreciation.

Nurturing your marriage exists when you get to a point when you put your needs behind that of your life partner.  It means realizing that your words might hurt your partner before you release the words out of your mouth and decide not to say them at all.  It means that you are responsible and take ownership for your issues.  It means being unselfish.

Building our remarriages and marriages in general is not easy, it takes lots of hard work.  Remember, love is never enough.  It takes hard work, determination and all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

High Conflict Divorce Affects Everyone

The majority of the well-meaning advice that is offered to stepfamilies on the internet, by therapists, friends of the stepfamily and so on, is almost always directed toward the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce with an ex-spouse. And the reason I say the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce, is because dealing with a disgruntled ex-spouse and a high conflict divorce affects everyone; your spouse, your kids, your spouse’s kids and any kids you share together! When dealing with a narcissitic and/or abusive or troubled ex-spouse, absolutely no one is off limits to them. So as you can imagine, if you are the step parent in this type of stepfamily, hearing advice like; view your spouse’s ex-spouse as a person and experience the world through his or her eyes; try not to take it personally; remember you’re all working toward the same goal; or don’t get angry because it’s about the kids, it can literally tend to drive you up a wall.

The fact of the matter is that stepfamilies that deal with high conflict divorces don’t argue over things like showing up late for visitation pick up or whether or not to invite your spouse to the parent teacher conference. Instead, they argue over parental alienation - when one parent goes months or years without seeing his or her child; or, stalking the new spouse because the ex-spouse is completely obsessed with him or her. Furthermore, some exes are and have been abusive and although the marriage is over, still act this way when co-parenting with their former spouse and step parents. For people who have to co-parent with these types of individuals it would be difficult to look past all this and try to see them as human and reach out to them.

As a result, it’s pretty difficult for the people, including step parents, on the receiving end to hear things like; it’s inappropriate to get angry or maybe it would help if you just reached out to your husband or wife’s ex-spouse.  When in fact, it’s okay, therapeutic even, to get angry and no amount of “reaching out” is going to help an ex-spouse who is hell bent on being bitter and angry, due to their own issues. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes. I understand that while you knew you were marrying a man/woman with children, you certainly didn’t bargain for dealing with and being directly affected by their “wicked exes”. Below are some tips to help you preserve what little sanity you may have left.

1. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it (by losing it, I mean gettting frustrated, overwhelmed, or occasionally telling your spouse or their ex-spouse where they can shove it) sometimes. Just like everyone else will suggest about the ex-spouse you’re dealing with, you are only human.
2. Let it out if you need to. Don’t hold all of your emotions in. If you’re angry, sad, hurt, frustrated…call a supportive friend, tell your spouse, or call a therapist who has experienced with stepfamily issues.
3. Write! Writing is so therapeutic, even when it’s just for your eyes only. Get a journal and  start journaling how you feel on a regular basis. This will help to deter those explosive moments that erupt due to internalizing everything.
4. Start a blog. It’s a virtual way of journaling your journey (even if the posts are kept private) and you can meet tons of supportive people in similiar situations.
5. Be sure to get in tons of “me” time. Take a walk by yourself. Have dinner with a friend once per month or curl up with a good book from time to time.
6. Doesn’t it bother you[step parents] when you are affected by one or both of the parent’s irresponsible actions regarding their children and when you react, they want to spew the line – “It’s about the kids?”  ”It’s about the kids” is a line the kids’ parents need to pay close attention to as well, and if they have trouble keeping this in mind 100% of the time, it’s fair to assume that it might be a little bit difficult for you, too. So again, don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes!

Disclaimer: All of the examples mentioned in this post don’t necessarily reflect events that have happened in my life and they may not pertain to you. I wrote the post in response to the many step parents and ex-spouses that I’ve spoken with over the years who have experienced these types of issues. If they don’t pertain to you, consider yourself blessed (maybe your issues don’t seem that deep now), but do know that they do pertain to someone.

Bust Up the Junk and Declutter Your Life In 2011

Modern family members whether you are a single, same sex, step or bio parent and everyone in between, 2011 is your year to bust up the clutter in your life.  Clutter makes its way into our lives in forms ranging from petty issues with the ex, the stress of being a single parent, too much work and not enough play, ignoring your own self-comfort and mental well-being and just plain drama! 

2011 is your year Readers to bust and declutter.  In order to truly be happy, we need to have peace.  In order to have peace, we have to commit to removing what stresses us out and causes us to clutter our lives not just with “things” but also with the junk drama, the junk friendships, the junk relationships, the junk period. 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

We’ve all heard the phrase Lather, Rinse, Repeat!  This is going to be my mantra for the new year.  When I feel myself being stressed out I am going to use that phrase to help get me back on track.  When it comes to people in my life, whether that be at work or in my personal life, if it stresses me out, I am going to Lather, Rinse and Repeat by washing that stress right out of my life.  How you might ask?  Here are a few tips:

1. Take time for yourself!  This years No. 1 priority.  YOU!  Take a day off work and allocate that day all to yourself.  Go buy some good fruit, healthy snacks, a few not so healthy snacks if you like, and veg out!  One of my favorite things to do is to rent a hotel room for a night all to myself.  I don’t skimp either.  I get a nice room, with hot tub, a pool and I live it up.
2. Let go of unhealthy relationships!  If you are in a relationship that constantly stresses you out or one that you realize you are the only person putting anything into the relationship then my advice is to get rid of it!
3. Incorporate something entirely new.  I recently discovered Yoga.  I always have heard rave reviews about yoga from friends and co-workers, so I tried a session.  It is not just a great way to exercise, but also to release your mind of unnecessary junk.
4. Keep a journal.  I have always loved to express my thoughts on paper.  I was given a beautiful journal for Christmas and I plan on putting it to good use in 2011.  Journals give you a way to express your inner most thoughts, cares, joys and sorrows while at the same time giving you an outlet for healing.
5. Do unto others.  Doing something nice makes us stronger human beings.  When you do unto others, you do unto yourself as well.  You give yourself the gift of personal power to bless others.  The end result…blessings return to you.
6. Channel your inner rebel.  When your willpower is wearing you down, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  Shop until you drop for the day, invite your good girl or boyfriends out and hit a good restaurant or maybe even the jazz club for the evening.  Have some good fun!

What we are really doing by de-junking, busting and decluttering our lives is making room for the real blessings we deserve.  There is a great quote from the poet Rumi which says “Let the beauty we love be what we do.“  This is a simple principal and a reminder that we do not have to hold on to extra drama and stress in our lives.  Let the beauty we love be what we do.  It’s just that simple.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

Kick the Barnacle Syndrome to the Curb This Holiday Season

This is a repost by author, stepmom and all around awesome superchick, Wednesday Martin.

Many of you asked me to elaborate on the topic of “Barnacle Syndrome,” which I touched on briefly in a recent article for StepMom Magazine. Barnacle Syndrome may be especially acute during the holiday season, so here goes.

If you’re feeling like you just got “tacked on” to your husband’s life–that it’s all about the way he and his kids do it, that you have lost your connections to your traditions, your family, your strength your identity, your self–and are experiencing it especially over the holiday season, here’s what’s likely going on…and what you can do:

1. Feeling like a Barnacle means there is an imbalance of power in your marriage or partnership with a man with kids. Stepfamily and gender researcher Jamie Kelem Keshet writes about how women with stepchildren are more likely to be married to men who are older and more established; to move into his place “because it’s easier for the kids” or because it’s bigger; to move away from their families of origin/relocate to be with their husbands (who sometimes move to be closer to their kids); and, if they are themselves childless, to feel special pressure to take on a “maternal” role with his kids. I’m personally a poster-child for Barnacle Syndrome. When we married, my husband was seven years older, much more established, living with his adolescent daughter. I was younger, single, more mobile. I lived hundreds and hundreds of miles from my family of origin, was less established in my career, had no kids of my own. And so it only made sense for me to sell my car and most of my stuff and move in with him. And become a mother-like figure to his daughter. Right?

Holy inequalities, Batman, what a recipe for potential disaster! I remember looking around “our” house one day and realizing my contribution was a couple of throw pillows and a lamp. Meanwhile, my husband’s daughter already had a perfectly good mother and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. She was also an adolescent and like all healthy adolescents, felt the need to separate and differentiate far more acutely than the desire to have another quasi-parental figure in her life. My feeling of losing myself and my past and my very identity, and feeling overwhelmed by a role I didn’t even understand, came to a head as our first Christmas together approached, and my husband informed me that his plan for Christmas day was to spend it driving six hours round-trip to pick up his daughters from their mother’s place, “Since that’s what I’ve always done.” Cue tape of confused, frustrated wife and stepmother going postal (my husband, to his credit, listened to me and realized this was not an auspicious way to begin our annual Christmas tradition as a couple. He opened up his mind, and we made a plan that worked for both of us, and for our marriage).

Feeling and being “tacked on” like a barnacle to your husband’s previous life is common–but it’s not a normal, inevitable, or natural state of affairs. It’s a sign that you and your partner need to reset the balance, and get to a place where you feel like and are true partners, equals in the household and the relationship.

2. If you’re feeling like a barnacle or outsider, make a priority to change that, and do it stat, since power imbalances create resentment. In fact, you might say that the road to divorce is paved with power imbalances! Whether it’s an unequal distribution of household work, a sense that his kids have more say than you do in the family, or a feeling that you are living in a “haunted house” since you moved into his place, Barnacle Syndrome is a sign that you and your spouse have work to do. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. Once you give this feeling of imbalance and being on the outside a name, you are in a much better position to address it!

3. You might need help from a professional when dealing with the charged topic of feeling like a barnacle or outsider in your own home. Until you and your partner get there, though, there is plenty you can do. Let your partner know–without a trace of anger or resentment in your voice (I know, it’s hard, but let’s be strategic here!)–that you want this holiday to feel balanced, festive, and comfortable for everyone. To that end, let him know you’d like to have your own family, your own friends, anyone who helps you feel supported and understood, around a lot this holiday season. Avoid situations where it’s just you, him, and his kids. Not only because you will feel better, but because the research shows that often, when stepparents, parents, and step/kids all come together without others around, it activates everyone’s anxiety about being an outsider. His kids of all ages will likely feel relieved if your friends and family are there to make things a little more interesting, and cut down on the sense that you’re all trying to feel like a “real family,” whatever that means. With that pressure off, you might find that his kids are open to some one-on-one time with you (stepfamily members also bond well one-on-one).

4. In addition to bulwarking yourself with supportive friends and family during the holiday time, consider doing less. If his kids are in a loyalty bind, the less you do on their behalf, the less they will have to feel indebted to and ambivalent about you. Rather than being a martyr who bends over backwards to cook all their favorite foods, for example, set the bar at being welcoming and appropriately open to interactions with them, based on their cues. It can make the difference between feeling depleted and drained and enjoying the holiday.

5. Finally, remember to get out. We’re so stuck in the “first family head” when we think about what’s best for stepfamilies. Guess what? Experts agree that stepmothers especially need time away from their husbands and stepkids when they’re around. It helps us rejuvenate and reset, and prevents stepmaternal burnout. In addition, you will seem like less of a “Dad hog” if you let the kids of any age have alone time with their father while you’re out doing something you really enjoy.

Wednesday Martin is the author of the highly recommended and surprisingly honest book, Stepmonster. In it, she tells the truth about being a stepmom, backed by solid research and personal experiences. Wednesday Martin has worked as writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She has been a stepmother for nine years and lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. Please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com to learn more.

Settling the Score!

When struggling with issues that involve members of your blended family, you will be presented with opportune moments to ”clear the air” and ”settle” things that have caused confusion and misunderstanding.  However, for a lot of us, instead of trying to avoid conflict, we have to be right all of the time in order to save face.

Most of us feel like we should be able to handle whatever life throws at us and we beat ourselves up when we don’t accomplish that goal.  When issues arise, we feel that in order to hide our inability to solve the problem, we decide to take the approach that we are right and the other person has to be wrong. As a result, we leave ourselves no room for negotiation or even to hear what the other person thinks or feels.  That, in turn, causes resentment with the other party and leaves your relationship scarred.  When resentment builds in any relationship, settling the score and our own thoughtlessness means more to us than our families being healthy, strong and fully thriving.

The truth is, when feeling like we need to settle the score instead of promoting the opposite, we need to realize that blended family problems can be taxing and stressful.  We all lose our way from time to time.  We all harbor feelings at times that have the potential to build resentment and make us feel like we need to settle the score; whether that be with our stepchildren or the ex-husband or ex-wife.   When this happens, we need to be able to look at another perspective.  Here are a few tips that might help:

• Guide yourself toward focusing on solutions not problems.
• Gain perspective on the current situation and don’t pull in old issues.
• See possibilities while at the same time not ruling out change.
• Look for positive ways to deal with negative feelings.
• Tap into your strengths as an individual, parent and step-parent to turn negative situation into positive solutions.

Remember, through divorce, blended families eventually evolve.  Families are forever even though they change.  When challenges arise, how you handle those changes is what makes the difference between finding solutions or settling the score.  Make it your mantra to focus only on what you can change about you as opposed to what you think someone else should change about themselves.  Lastly,  if you don’t get anything out of this post, think about this:  “the quality of your blended family experience doesn’t have to be overshadowed by negativity.“  You may feel like your issues are unchartered territory, but you can successfully navigate through without making score settling  your main priority.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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