A Response to Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Letter to a Friend

February 21, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I have always adored Jada Pinkett-Smith and the entire Smith Clan. They exude love, creativity and a profound sense of self-love and acceptance. Their approach to life and family is inspiring. That being said, I don’t agree with Jada’s response to a stepmom friend of hers and it is something that we must critically avoid doing. Below is her letter to a friend and after that is my response.

Jada: “A letter to a friend: Blended families are NEVER easy, but here’s why I don’t have a lot of sympathy for your situation because… we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package…Period! If I didn’t want that…I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey…I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him…his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other… but we have learned to LOVE each other.

I can’t support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can’t say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT’S selfishness…NOT love. WOMAN UP… I’ve been there…I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It’s time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are. J” Source: Uptown Magazine

TMF: I love these kind of stories but I must caution people that this isn’t everybody’s truth! While I admire Jada’s response, she’s leaving a lot out. For example, it not only took her to release those insecurities and ego trips for it to work but it took Sheree to do the same. It will not work the way they are describing unless both women put aside their differences and put in the effort. Too often stepmoms and second wives are seen as temporary or disposable and you can’t build a long-term relationship like they have if you continually assume that the stepmother is only going to be there short-term.

Their family is one reality but it certainly isn’t everyone’s and we (stepfamilies) need to stop criticizing other stepfamilies and stepmoms based on our reality. It’s the reason many of my stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants!! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the sharing of experiences that leads to this; it’s sharing your experience and then preaching that if you have not achieved “best friend with the ex-wife” or” love the ex-wife” status in your stepfamily, then you have somehow failed altogether. This is not true. We [Today's Modern Family] offer advice and support based on your reality because we must stop assuming that there is a one size fits all approach to making a stepfamily work. There just isn’t!

 

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Are You Taking Care of Home?

February 9, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Diane and I have both been living the modern family lifestyle for quite some time now. Collectively, we have over 20 years of experience in this area; we’ve both been single moms, are currently living the stepfamily life and Diane was also a widow at one point. During this journey we’ve both made plenty of mistakes, had some successes and learned so many lessons regarding family and life in general. While we both pondered this over lunch a couple of weeks ago, we concluded a very powerful lesson regarding what it means to take care of home. What we know for sure is that the definition of taking care of home is very complex, but easy to understand at the same time. Taking care of home means that the people in it have to not only take care of each other, but take care of themselves as well. It’s not just about making sure the kids are alright, but it’s also about making sure that you are alright.  It’s about taking the kids to soccer practice or piano lessons, however; you must also get some quality time in with a good girlfriend or go hit some golf balls with the guys. It’s about creating memories and family traditions, together, as a family but it’s also about carving time out for a spontaneous rendezvous with your spouse from time to time. Taking care of home and making sure your modern family is the best it can be is much more complex than just focusing solely on the children. It’s like when riding on the airplane; the flight attendant always instructs the parent to put on their oxygen mask first and then place it on the children, in the case of an emergency. Why? Because if you’re passed out, how will you help your children? The same idea applies to parenting and step-parenting. If you are burnt out, trying to make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of, are you truly of any benefit to your children and family? Encouraging each member of the family, including the parents, to take time for themselves, IS taking care of home.

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Love, Patience, and Life Lessons From My Stepmom

July 1, 2012 By

I know the same old stories about the hardships and struggles of growing up in a divorced family can get  boring at times but to me they never get old.  I talk with lots of folks on a day-to-day basis about their lives, issues and the problems that relate to the dynamics of stepfamilies and I do my best to get them thru same.  Nonetheless, I never get tired of hearing those problems because I, too, have been in their shoes, and I feel it is my calling from God to help others thrive.  Needless to say, I learn more and more about myself after each visit with someone else.

My parents divorced when I was six.  Both of my parents remarried early on after their divorces and both of those remarriages ended in another divorce.  However, my father remarried again later on when I was about 22.  As a kid, what choice do you have really except to try to go with the flow and hope that things turn out for the best, right?  Well, at 22, you have your own mind, your own skepticism, your own perceptions at that point about what marriage looks like and unfortunately, for a child of divorce, sometimes that view is skewed due to your own broken experience.  With all of that, we forged ahead.  Dean and my dad have been married for well over 20 years now and I have learned so much from her, actually, more than she probably knows or will ever take credit for.

My stepmom didn’t have the pick of the litter for stepkids.  We weren’t kids when she came into our lives and we had our own idiosyncrasies already established.  In our opinion, we didn’t really care because we had been down that road before without success.  Our expectations weren’t high about marriage and remarriage but we hoped for the best for them and for us.

Dean had only one biological child whom she lost tragically at the age of 18 before she married my dad.  Rightfully so, I wouldn’t have blamed her one single bit for not wanting to put up with any stepkid drama but that was never Dean’s attitude. Dean never wore her feelings on her sleeve.  She is a strong woman.  One of strongest I have met.  She doesn’t know this, but  when I was faced with my own tragedy, I thought a lot about her strength and tenacity and it helped me to know that if she could have faced something as unimaginable as the loss of her only child then I could stand and face what I needed to as well when I experienced loss and when my husband was diagnosed with MS.  What I have learned from her I could write a book on and I have to say, most I never learned from my own parents.  My parents are good people and each of them have taught me good things and brought different perspectives to my life.  I love both of them dearly, but Dean has a way of making me “think” about things differently.  She has an extraordinary sense of saying the things I need to hear most, right at the right time which gives me that little “umpf” to get to the solution quicker.  She has taught me it’s okay to grieve for a time but then it’s time to get to the answers and move on to better days.  She has taught me the art of focusing on solutions instead of problems.  But, I think the greatest lesson she has taught me isn’t through her words, it is through her actions.  Dean is a registered nurse and a very successful small business owner and at the age well….let’s just say….about 60 (but to me she’s no more than 40) she went back to school and attained her Masters Degree and is a dissertation away from her doctorate degree.  All of this while dealing with a disease she has had since she was 16 years old. She recently had a stroke and when I called to speak to her I asked her how she is getting thru this and she eloquently said…”doing what I need to do and moving on!”  Determination is an understatement in her vocabulary.  When she accomplishes something, she finds something better and harder to strive for.  When she is faced with something, she faces it with dogged determination and moves on to the next!  Most importantly, she has taught me not to feel sorry for myself for anything that I have gone through but to know that road bumps are simply stepping stones to my rainbows and when I get to that rainbow, I may still get a few splinters sliding down along the way but that is God’s way of making me strong and sturdy for the next challenging hurdle that I will have to jump.  For these lessons, I am grateful.

I tell my clients who are stepmoms and who are struggling that their efforts do not go unnoticed even if it seems like they do.  Children live what they learn.  They take those positive experiences and turn them into life qualities.  They are watching even when you don’t think they are, even when they are being stubborn.  Sometimes it takes into adulthood for them to realize the importance that you bring to their lives, but don’t fret, what you bring to the table is important and special.  I am a stepmother now.  I have my own stepdaughter and I hope that I can be to her a  quarter of what my stepmom is to me.  I hope that I can pass along those same lessons Dean has taught me and I hope that if she needs me when she hits one of those road bumps, that I can teach her how to use that experience to slide down that rainbow!

Thank you Dean for all of your love, patience and life lessons!  I love you.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Managing Mother’s Day

May 9, 2012 By

With mother’s day quickly approaching, I wanted to give all my stepmoms out there a few tips on how to enjoy this holiday and shake how off the jitters.  For some, mother’s day imposes a lot of different emotions.  Compound those  emotions with a non-response from your stepchild(ren) and you are liable to find yourself full of a lot of sadness on this day.  Sound familiar?  As I have stated in many posts, stepmoms pretty much live at the end of a double-edge sword.  We are expected to take on the role of a parent, caretaker, counselor, cab driver, teacher, etc. etc., but we don’t always reap the same rewards, or for a lack of  better words, we don’t always fit into the family circle.  For some of those stepmothers, mother’s day actually makes them feel more like an outsider.  Of course, I understand the plight of these stepmothers and why they feel the sadness they do, however, I would like to offer a few tips to get you through if you find yourself struggling on May 13th.

Expectations

In my opinion, one of the main reasons stepmoms struggle on mother’s day is because they set their expectations of their stepchild(ren) way too high.  Albeit, as I stated above, you absolutely deserve to be acknowledged but even though you play a huge role in your stepchild’s life, the acknowledgement you desire may not simply be something your stepchildren are capable of giving you at the moment or on this particular day.  Remember, conflict of loyalties play a dominant role in your stepchildren’s lives, and especially on special days such as this.  Place yourself in your stepchild’s shoes and try to see it from their position of loyalty.  If you do, it will make things a lot easier on you.

Redirect Your Emotions

Recognizing your negative feelings is the first step in turning them into positive actions.  Accepting that your situation “is what it is” can help you relieve a lot of stress. Find positive ways to spend your day.  Take this day for yourself stepmoms.  Pamper yourself.  Look at it as “your day” instead of “someone else’s” day.   Incorporating quality “self time” is not just healthy for your physical well-being, but for your mental well-being.  You deserve it!

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be complicated for you.  Managing your expectations and understanding your stepchildren’s feelings is all it really takes to get through the day.  Listen, I love my stepdaughter as if she is my own child.  I do a lot for her and as much as my ego would love for her to drop everything for me, wrap her arms around me, shower me with a gift and say thank you for being such a good stepmom to her, and as much as I would love to get tons of gratitude from her, I am not her mother and I would never try to be.  I do what I do for her because I love her, plain and simple.  Not because I need mother’s day to reassure me of that.  I get that reassurance every time she hugs me when she walks in the door or when she is happy to see me, when she sends me a random text message when she isn’t with us or when when she spends time talking with me about her day.  I get that simply when I see her smiling and I know that she is happy.

Stepmoms, if  you are also bio moms, take this day for you and your children.  It’s obvious that we are going to feel the need to include your stepchildren but by simply accepting that there is nothing wrong with them feeling the need to spend time with their own mother will allow you to spend time with your own children, guilt-free, without them.  Now, obviously, if you are a stepmom who is the primary custodial parent with dad or the stepchildren’s mother is absent altogether, then of course, I am sure you would want nothing less than including them in your heart and most certainly in your plans that day.  If you don’t have children, take the opportunity to celebrate yourself, not just on mother’s day but every day.  Pamper yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.  Keep up the good work!  You are a gift to your stepchildren every day!

To all my moms out there whether bio or step, have a wonderful and Happy Mother’s Day!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Six Things in the Remarried Co-Parent’s Survival Toolbox

March 1, 2011 By 1 Comment

Co-Parenting Plan

The first thing the remarried co-parent should have is a detailed, mutually agreed upon, co-parenting plan. He or she should have one within their household and with their former spouse. Remarried couples and divorced co-parents need to stop making it up as they go along and talk about it, prior to divorce or remarriage. Talk about how to handle discipline, visitation, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. because when you are suddenly confronted with these decisions and emotions are high, those emotions usually dictate your decision making. As such, you end up making a decision based on how you feel instead of what’s best for everyone.

Family Mission Statement

 Arm yourself with a good family mission statement, which all the members of your household are active participants in creating. Remember that especially because this family wasn’t organically made, some effort will need to go into building and maintaining it. Talk about how you want to connect as a family and make every member feel included in this process.

Stepfamily Coach

 Be sure to have a good stepfamily coach/counselor on speed dial as it’s not always helpful to listen to those well-meaning family members and friends. Talking to someone who is experienced and knowledgeable on the issues that you will undoubtedly face will be helpful as you navigate through your remarried co-parenting journey.

Drama Free Date Night

Drama free date night, at least once per month, is a must! Stay connected to your spouse; remember that he or she is your biggest support system.

No Judgment Zone Problem/Solution Box

 No judgment zone problem/solution box is a simple box that is placed in your house for everyone, including the children, to freely drop their concerns in to be addressed. Overall, everyone in the stepfamily just wants to be appreciated and respected and heard! One of the biggest problems that I have discovered with stepfamilies is that they don’t communicate, unless they are fighting about an issue. The stepmom does what she thinks is expected of her. The divorced dad is often the man caught in the middle as he tries to please both women (ex-wife and wife), and the kids feel like they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. Stepmoms don’t hold it in; voice your concerns. Divorced dads, tell your wives how you feel. Kids, we know this isn’t easy for you and we want you to know that we acknowledge how you feel. A problem/solution box gives everyone a voice and shows that you are working to find a solution that mostly works for everyone. More importantly, it allows the children to feel a part of the unit instead of feeling caught in the middle. It also shows them that the success of the family is also dependent upon their active participation.

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations when entering into a stepfamily. Remember, that stepfamilies do not and cannot operate as first families do and it will take time and a conscious effort to build and maintain your modern family. Relationships take time and effort to build, but not force. Establishing realistics expectations in the beginning will minimize hurt feelings and chaos.

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Spicy Wifey Giveaway!

February 6, 2011 By 4 Comments

All this month we’re encouraging couples to purposely pay attention to their marriages and our friends over at Spicy Wifey are donating a gift package to help you do so.  We know how important it is to nurture our marriages and oftentimes reliving old memories is a perfect way to enable you to see the person you fell in love with and reignite that spark in your relationship. So, tell us about your spicy spouses. Do you remember your first kiss? How did he propose? Where did you spend your honeymoon? What first attracted to you to your spouse? Briefly tell us about it in the comments section below for a chance to win some Spicy Wifey his and her apparel. The contest starts now and the winner will be randomly chosen on the last day of February.

 

 

 

 

 

About Spicy Wifey

 

Spicy Wifey is a lifestyle brand designed to inspire, encourage and invigorate married women and women on the path to marriage.  We provide fashion-inspired apparel and services that celebrate the committed and married lifestyle.  Remember, being a wife is HOT!

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THIS IS WHO I AM!

February 6, 2011 By 12 Comments

There are two primary choices in life:

1.  To accept conditions as they exist; or

2.  Accept the responsibility for changing them!

This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives.  Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.

For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me.  I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time.  I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family.  I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought.   Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself.  No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME!

What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy.  As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.”  Life isn’t always happy.  Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive.  Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye.  I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back.  I don’t need approval from anyone but myself!  I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect  individual person.   Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better.   The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating.  The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.

The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing.  With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives.  No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves.

That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Stepparent Standards

January 23, 2011 By 4 Comments

Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments.  It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken.  I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond.  Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject?  Sure.  Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me?  Probably.  However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great.  She is one of the most important people in my life.  She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her.  At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role. 

Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family.  Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is.  One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren.  We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated.  If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP!  Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr.  Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds.  Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.

Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad”  and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family.  This idea is totally unrealistic.  Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time.   Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives.  They don’t need extra baggage.

Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far.  For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance.  You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife.  I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent. 

Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning.  Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children.  For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex.  Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children.  This only adds fuel to an already grieving child.  Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse.  What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse.  This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent.  Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them.  If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent. 

As I always like to state, children live what they learn.  If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that.  Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Building A Healthy Remarriage

January 14, 2011 By 4 Comments

A marriage that is not nurtured, eventually dies. Unfortunately, most remarried couples foster the idea that as long as they don’t make the same mistakes they made in their first marriage, their remarriage will be long-lasting and survive any storm that may come it’s way only to be disappointed to find out that it takes much more than just being cognizant of past errors.  Nourishing your remarriage needs to be your #1 top priority.

The demands on marriage today are numerous.  Think about it.  Most couples work demanding jobs, are doing their best to keep the roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs, cooking and keeping up the house, dealing with the exes and handling stepfamily problems.  With all of these demands (and there are many more — too many to list) it isn’t surprising that we end up putting our marriages last on the checklist.  Not to mention, it is usually at the end of a tiring day that we are able to focus on our partner. 

In my opinion, one of the most important ways we can nuture our marriage is to keep a “window” open between you and your spouse, and to definitely keep a “wall” up for people outside of our relationship.  For example, if we are more open with someone outside of our relationship rather than with our spouse, then something is wrong with that picture.  Our very most private moments, thoughts, and feelings should only be shared with our spouse.  This prevents you from being pulled apart.

If you are feeling a little disconnected, ask yourself a few of these questions:

  1. What is your spouse’s greatest strengths?
  2. How are you helping him/her to achieve their goals?
  3. What “walls” have you put up to prevent others from pulling you apart?

Nurturing our marriages is not only important but should be our number one priority.  Your marriage potential will be endless if you put your marriage first.  Here are a few tips and tools to get you on the right path to a healthy, nurtured marriage:

  • Trust.  Be  honest, fair and straight with your spouse.  Don’t lie.  Make sure your word is as good as gold. 
  • Loyalty.  ALWAYS stand by your partner.  ALWAYS, protect and encourage your life partner.
  • Commitment:  Make efforts, everyday, to put more into your marriage.  Put  your spouse’s interests before your own.
  • Skills.  Marriage is a lifetime process.  Understand when your partner expresses their needs.  Communicate what you need.  Agree to disagree when you are dealing with an issue where the solution can’t be found right away.  Manage your conflict in a healthy manner.
  • Appreciation.  One of the most important attributes a person can have is that of appreciation.  Each party in the marriage wants to feel appreciated and loved.   Show your appreciation.

Nurturing your marriage exists when you get to a point when you put your needs behind that of your life partner.  It means realizing that your words might hurt your partner before you release the words out of your mouth and decide not to say them at all.  It means that you are responsible and take ownership for your issues.  It means being unselfish.

Building our remarriages and marriages in general is not easy, it takes lots of hard work.  Remember, love is never enough.  It takes hard work, determination and all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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High Conflict Divorce Affects Everyone

January 10, 2011 By 1 Comment

The majority of the well-meaning advice that is offered to stepfamilies on the internet, by therapists, friends of the stepfamily and so on, is almost always directed toward the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce with an ex-spouse. And the reason I say the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce, is because dealing with a disgruntled ex-spouse and a high conflict divorce affects everyone; your spouse, your kids, your spouse’s kids and any kids you share together! When dealing with a narcissitic and/or abusive or troubled ex-spouse, absolutely no one is off limits to them. So as you can imagine, if you are the step parent in this type of stepfamily, hearing advice like; view your spouse’s ex-spouse as a person and experience the world through his or her eyes; try not to take it personally; remember you’re all working toward the same goal; or don’t get angry because it’s about the kids, it can literally tend to drive you up a wall.

The fact of the matter is that stepfamilies that deal with high conflict divorces don’t argue over things like showing up late for visitation pick up or whether or not to invite your spouse to the parent teacher conference. Instead, they argue over parental alienation - when one parent goes months or years without seeing his or her child; or, stalking the new spouse because the ex-spouse is completely obsessed with him or her. Furthermore, some exes are and have been abusive and although the marriage is over, still act this way when co-parenting with their former spouse and step parents. For people who have to co-parent with these types of individuals it would be difficult to look past all this and try to see them as human and reach out to them.

As a result, it’s pretty difficult for the people, including step parents, on the receiving end to hear things like; it’s inappropriate to get angry or maybe it would help if you just reached out to your husband or wife’s ex-spouse.  When in fact, it’s okay, therapeutic even, to get angry and no amount of “reaching out” is going to help an ex-spouse who is hell bent on being bitter and angry, due to their own issues. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes. I understand that while you knew you were marrying a man/woman with children, you certainly didn’t bargain for dealing with and being directly affected by their “wicked exes”. Below are some tips to help you preserve what little sanity you may have left.

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it (by losing it, I mean gettting frustrated, overwhelmed, or occasionally telling your spouse or their ex-spouse where they can shove it) sometimes. Just like everyone else will suggest about the ex-spouse you’re dealing with, you are only human.
  2. Let it out if you need to. Don’t hold all of your emotions in. If you’re angry, sad, hurt, frustrated…call a supportive friend, tell your spouse, or call a therapist who has experienced with stepfamily issues.
  3. Write! Writing is so therapeutic, even when it’s just for your eyes only. Get a journal and  start journaling how you feel on a regular basis. This will help to deter those explosive moments that erupt due to internalizing everything.
  4. Start a blog. It’s a virtual way of journaling your journey (even if the posts are kept private) and you can meet tons of supportive people in similiar situations.
  5. Be sure to get in tons of “me” time. Take a walk by yourself. Have dinner with a friend once per month or curl up with a good book from time to time.
  6. Doesn’t it bother you[step parents] when you are affected by one or both of the parent’s irresponsible actions regarding their children and when you react, they want to spew the line – “It’s about the kids?”  ”It’s about the kids” is a line the kids’ parents need to pay close attention to as well, and if they have trouble keeping this in mind 100% of the time, it’s fair to assume that it might be a little bit difficult for you, too. So again, don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes!

Disclaimer: All of the examples mentioned in this post don’t necessarily reflect events that have happened in my life and they may not pertain to you. I wrote the post in response to the many step parents and ex-spouses that I’ve spoken with over the years who have experienced these types of issues. If they don’t pertain to you, consider yourself blessed (maybe your issues don’t seem that deep now), but do know that they do pertain to someone.

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