Settling the Score!

When struggling with issues that involve members of your blended family, you will be presented with opportune moments to ”clear the air” and ”settle” things that have caused confusion and misunderstanding.  However, for a lot of us, instead of trying to avoid conflict, we have to be right all of the time in order to save face.

Most of us feel like we should be able to handle whatever life throws at us and we beat ourselves up when we don’t accomplish that goal.  When issues arise, we feel that in order to hide our inability to solve the problem, we decide to take the approach that we are right and the other person has to be wrong. As a result, we leave ourselves no room for negotiation or even to hear what the other person thinks or feels.  That, in turn, causes resentment with the other party and leaves your relationship scarred.  When resentment builds in any relationship, settling the score and our own thoughtlessness means more to us than our families being healthy, strong and fully thriving.

The truth is, when feeling like we need to settle the score instead of promoting the opposite, we need to realize that blended family problems can be taxing and stressful.  We all lose our way from time to time.  We all harbor feelings at times that have the potential to build resentment and make us feel like we need to settle the score; whether that be with our stepchildren or the ex-husband or ex-wife.   When this happens, we need to be able to look at another perspective.  Here are a few tips that might help:

• Guide yourself toward focusing on solutions not problems.
• Gain perspective on the current situation and don’t pull in old issues.
• See possibilities while at the same time not ruling out change.
• Look for positive ways to deal with negative feelings.
• Tap into your strengths as an individual, parent and step-parent to turn negative situation into positive solutions.

Remember, through divorce, blended families eventually evolve.  Families are forever even though they change.  When challenges arise, how you handle those changes is what makes the difference between finding solutions or settling the score.  Make it your mantra to focus only on what you can change about you as opposed to what you think someone else should change about themselves.  Lastly,  if you don’t get anything out of this post, think about this:  “the quality of your blended family experience doesn’t have to be overshadowed by negativity.“  You may feel like your issues are unchartered territory, but you can successfully navigate through without making score settling  your main priority.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Only Child

Thirteen years ago I had a beautiful baby boy! His father and I were overjoyed. He was perfect; so perfect that I decided that I didn’t want or need anymore children. I was perfectly fine with him being my only child. I had a rough pregnancy and his father worked out of the country for most of the year. Children, if you are a full-time parent, require 100% of your time and one was all I could take. Even when the relationship with his dad didn’t work out, I still vowed that my son would be the only child. People would always say things like, “Won’t you want one with your husband when you get married?” Or, they would wonder what would happen to my son when his parents died. Who would be his support system? Who would he visit during the holidays, etc.?  I have to admit that those last questions got to me. The one future thing I was definitely worried about was him being alone! I wanted him to have brothers and sisters, but I just didn’t want to be the one to have them. 

When his dad got married and was expecting a child soon after, I was happy for my son. Finally, after 5 years of being an only child, he would be a big brother. It took some time for him to get used to the idea, but 8 years later, they both adore each other. I could finally have some peace with this now because I knew that my son and his brother would always be there for each other; I would make sure of it by supporting and encouraging their relationship whole heartedly. There’s nothing like a bond between brothers and I was so happy that my son would finally experience it.

It turns out that my son’s younger brother wouldn’t be the only addition to the family. Last year, his stepmother informed us that she was expecting a baby girl and gave birth to her in November. My son was elated! It’s so cute to see how he speaks of his only sister. Already, he is so protective and talks about the things he is going to do with her when he starts driving. This little girl is definitely going to get the blues from her two older brothers when she gets older. LOL!

And we’re still not done folks because last September, after vowing to never have another, not trying to and being told by doctors that I probably wouldn’t get pregnant again, my husband and I were surprised to hear that we too were expecting. I gave birth to my son’s youngest sibling, a beautiful baby boy, in March of this year. The six months of bedrest, including hospital bedrest, constant vomitting and fatigue, was all worth the daily opportunity that I get to see my two boys interact. My oldest is so gentle, loving and caring with his baby brother, and my baby boy absolutely adores his older brother. His face lights up every time he walks in the room or hears his voice. It is the cutest thing.

Today, I am no longer worried about either one of my sons when their parents leave this Earth because I know that they will always have each other. Not only that, they will also have my oldest son’s brother and sister. My son often talks about the things that all of them will do together in the future. He loves being an older brother. It’s the reason why I encourage and support sibling relationships in the stepfamily. A wonderful aunt, close cousin or a bestfriend cannot compare to a relationship that, if nurtured and supported, you can have with your sibling.  And so, my oldest son went from being the only child to the oldest of 4, and I couldn’t be happier – for him.

How important is it for you to support and encourage the sibling relationships in your stepfamily?

From the Frying Pan to the Fryer!

There is no way around it.  The divorce rate for remarriages is 60 percent, compared to 50 percent for first marriages.  The majority of which fall apart within two or three years of the wedding, leaving an estimated half-million children to cope with yet another split-up.  Those statistics simply take my breath away.  Even with these stunning statistics people still seem to think that building a stepfamily is just as easy, or should be anyway, as building a nuclear family.

Unfortunately, in new stepfamilies, many folks are in denial about the fact that stepfamilies just don’t and can’t work like a nuclear family.  When problems arise, they decide to ignore them and go on as if those issues don’t exist; doing their best to avoid potential pitfalls that they feel will put strain on their remarriages.  Why is this?  Let’s face it, most couples remarry before they are emotionally ready.  Some do it out of what I call the “rebound effect,” and others simply don’t want to be alone after divorce.  Instead of giving themselves an ample amount of time after their divorce to heal mentally, physically (because divorce can take a physical toll) and emotionally, they choose to jump right from the frying pan and into the fire!

One saying that I love to refer to with my clients when we are discussing stepfamily issues they are and/or have been experiencing is this…”the best time to work out issues that you are experiencing is BEFORE you say I DO, not AFTER.”  I say this because most issues within a stepfamily don’t just magically decide to present themselves after the wedding ceremony.  More than likely, they are present before, during and after the couple says “I Do.”

Each spouse coming into a remarriage, and the children as well, are going to have different perspectives on how their roles should be perceived and how they should work going into it.  As such, each individual is also going to have their own separate expectations as well.  All of which can collide and cause chaos within the unit if not properly discussed and resolved ahead of time.  Granted, you aren’t going to discuss every potential family issue that may arise but the obvious issues can be discussed and quite frankly should be.  For example:  discipline, structure, rules, respect, etc.  Pre-marital counseling or coaching with an experienced stepfamily coach also can help a great deal in understanding the different dynamics that go into a stepfamily and also allows you to prepare yourself with the necessary skill set that it takes to have a satisfying stepfamily experience.

Remember, remarriages can be great marriages.  However, with all of the complexities involved it can become hard to avoid the pitfalls that couples experience due to the stress of forging new relationships within the unit (i.e., stepchildren, ex-spouses, etc.).  It actually can become overwhelming because we, as humans, tend to not learn from our prior mistakes and we repeat them.  If we choose to first heal from the past, examine and unpack our “baggage” and take the lessons that we learned from our prior marriage and turn them into stepping stones for a new, healthy and meaningful relationship, we can then no longer worry about jumping from the frying pan to the fryer!

Lastly readers, it is a proven statistic that in remarriages that it sometimes takes more than 7 years for a stepfamily to really meld together.  So, your real honeymoon period may not start for a long time.  It is very hard to balance the needs and feelings of everyone at the same time, but I promise you, when you get to that honeymoon period, it will be well worth the wait!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Interview with Rockstar Co-Parent, Jenn Mangino

I enjoyed my virtual chat with Jenn Mangino, founder of www.rockstarcoparenting.com. As an ex and a wife, a mom and a stepmom, I always look forward to hearing and sharing both perspectives. Take a look at our conversation as we chat about divorce, Jenn’s theory on the intrusive ex-wife and what she does during her “Jenn” time. Thanks for the chat, Jenn!

Kela: Explain the term rockstar co-parenting? 

 Jenn: It’s the universally accepted divorce principle. Get divorced, screw up the kids. But studies have shown it’s not so much the divorce that affects kids, but the handling of said divorce. If having an intact first family is equivalent to winning first place, than having two active divorced parents working peacefully together like business partners post-divorce is second best. Rockstar Co-parenting is dedicated to helping parents and children of divorce find second place. I created the site to help other parents (but mostly myself) learn to do this divorce thing the “right” way…like grown-ups.

It’s easier said than done. Making decisions, navigating complicated schedules and social situations, and creating two harmonious households with a partner for whom you have mutual anger and trust issues can feel super human. Divorced parents who choose to co-parent peacefully often discover they have unknown, hidden reservoirs of strength. Super powers. Resilience, Openness, Compassion, Kinetic energy, Sprezzatura, Transparency, Assertiveness and Restraint (yes, it’s an acronym) are the super powers I see inspirational co-parents successfully drawing on every day to create new, better lives post-divorce for their children. They are not just co-parenting. They are Rockstar Co-parenting. 

Kela: Your daughter was very young when you divorced. Did you ever worry about her losing that bond that she developed with either you or your ex-husband during the transition of the divorce? 

Jenn: Yes. Constantly. I knew the divorce was right for me, I knew it was right for my Ex, but how could it possibly be right for my daughter? I looked in her blue eyes and vowed to do everything in my power to create a divorce situation that would have minimal impact on her life. That meant-to me- that she deserved to have easy access to both her parents. I believe in her right to her own relationships. 

It wasn’t easy, I had to give up things that I wanted for myself. I had to give up my clean slate and fresh start, because, honestly, there is no fresh start after divorce when there are children involved.  Every subsequent decision I made from that moment on was with this goal in mind.

So far, we’re doing okay. (Cross your fingers). 

Kela: How did you take time to heal and grieve post-divorce?

Jenn: Honestly time? Did I take time to heal and grieve post-divorce? Yes. (A smidge).  Was it as long as the “experts” say you should take (I was told five years. Five years, people.)? Not even close. 

As the primary initiator of my divorce, I think my grief cycle started long before the actual divorce process started. By the time we filed the paperwork, I just felt used up. I had been angry and sad during my marriage, and following the separation, I just felt numb. Which I mistook for feeling fine. Ready to move on, even. Months later, when the tears finally hit me I realized how not fine I was. By then, I had entered into a new relationship, with an old love. (Kids, don’t try this one at home!) Do the experts discourage dating so soon after a divorce? Yeah. Do I discourage it? Probably. The truth is, he is the love of my life and the one who got away, and it did manage to work out for us, as we are getting married this winter. But. It was rough, to say the least. The problem was I had not taken the time to heal completely before we plunged like moths right back into the flame. And it burned us.

 It was a bumpy, windy, narrow road for a while, mostly brought on by my sense of guilt and failure. The lesson here, I think, is to take time to be alone for a while (maybe not five years, though) and resolve your feelings before dating again. It’s hard, and very few people can resist the lure of new love, but had I taken some time for myself, the healing wouldn’t have taken so long. 

 That said, what did I find most helpful during the healing process? Books, books, the internet, books, therapy, books, a brief stint in a support group, and talking the ears off good friends. Oh, and books. (Um, I like to read). I think it’s important to try a little bit of everything…you will find little bits of wisdom in lots of different sources and it will all come together to give you a new knowledge of yourself, and the world, until suddenly you are ready to like your life (and yourself) again. 

Kela: I know it’s hard not to worry about our babies when they are away from us, especially when they are very young. But I do feel it’s important for ex-wives to utilize that time to reclaim their lives. What do you do during, what I like to call, your “Jenn” time?

 Jenn: I read. I dream. I imagine what I will be when I grow up and find my niche in the world. But, mostly, I write. Writing gave me back my zest for living, my passion for my own life. It’s the one thing I do just for me. Well, that, and pretending I am a rock star belting out ballads in the shower every morning.

Kela: How important is it to you that your daughter develop some sort of relationship with her stepmother? How do you encourage and support that relationship?

Jenn: Extremely important. My Ex and I had worked out a 50-50 parenting schedule before he remarried. When his new wife came on the scene, she jumped right in to being the “mommy” figure in my daughter’s life 50% of the time. It was very hard for me to continue sharing that time with them. The divorce and the 50-50 parenting schedule for him, well that’s only fair and hey, you make your bed and you lie in it. But, sharing the mothering of your child with another woman for no reason at all other than she married my Ex? It’s a bitter pill to swallow…because I would rather be her mother 100% of the time.

 But, how much more bitter would that pill be if she were a terrible stepmom, and made my daughter’s life miserable? Or even my life? The truth is she’s a great stepmom, always friendly, and very free with information. I think she loves my daughter, and certainly, she is a good friend to her. Really, how much more could I ask for? 

I try to support their relationship by never speaking ill of the other household in earshot of my daughter, encouraging (even admonishing her) to be respectful to all the adults in her life, assuring her that she is loved by everyone, going out of my way to be friendly and chat with her at school events, asking her opinion about issues that affect my daughter, and inviting her to share Mother’s day with us. 

Kela: According to Mavis Hetherington, most ex-wives are more intrusive and more involved in their ex-spouse’s household than ex-husbands are. Additionally, they remain bitter and resentful for much longer. Why do you think this is so? 

Jenn: It’s a hard question for me to answer, because I really don’t think I am intrusive (and I can really only go on my experience). But, if I was intrusive it wouldn’t be because of unresolved relationship issues between my Ex and I. It wouldn’t be because I felt displaced, or replaced or still wanted him for whatever reason (although maybe this is the case for some women). It would be because I am a mother, and as such I am utterly and fiercely protective of my daughter. I am a lioness. We have these children and we are charged with their very survival. We look at them when they are placed in our arms for the first time and we absolutely promise them the world.

Then, divorce happens and we are expected to give up control over everything that happens to them during someone else’s parenting time.  If there is a stepparent involved, then we are asked to trust someone we don’t even know with our most precious gift, our children. Often times, there are issues with communication between the adults, so we are not even given the balm of knowledge to ease our fear, and our utter lack of control. It’s scary, it’s unsettling, it’s unnerving, and it’s frustrating.

With these conditions, I don’t think it’s surprising that there is resentment. Why don’t the Ex-husbands mettle more in household affairs? I don’t know. Maybe because women are predisposed for nurture and daily care, so that is their turf. Men are predisposed for hunting and bringing home the bacon…so of course issues involving day-to-day care probably don’t affect them on that same emotional level.

Kela: Can you offer some advice for those types of ex-wives?

Jenn: Choose your battles. Always, always, always take time to think over your actions and reactions. Ask yourself, “Is this particular issue vital. Will it fundamentally affect my child?” If the answer is no, let it go.  If the answer is yes, that’s when you take action. Don’t be like the little boy who cried “Wolf!” and get worked up over every little perceived infraction or slight. It’s pointless.  And always remember, you can only control you. 

Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced parents who aim to be rockstar co-parents?

 Jenn: Love your children. Want what’s best for them. Then, go out and get them that best. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

There is No Magic Formula Stepmoms

I’ve had the pleasure of talking to many many stepmoms over the years and what I realized is that most of them desired some magic formula for acceptance; either that, or they were confusing the definition of the word altogether. Most wanted to know that if they love and support their husband and be the best stepmom they can be to their stepkids, then they will be truly loved and accepted by their stepchildren. Their constant need to be accepted loved by everyone consumes them to the point that they forget that they must focus on other components of their overall family in order to be a successful stepfamily and yes, you can be considered a successful stepfamily even if the stepkids don’t like you.

What stepmoms must realize is that it will take much more than just being like Carol Brady to get the stepchildren to like you. Often times, your actions aren’t even the deciding factor at all. What has to happen first is mom/ex-wife has to free her children to love. She has to let go of any hurt or apprehension regarding her ex-spouse’s remarriage and having another maternal figure in her children’s lives. She has to be free from allowing her negative emotions to influence her children’s decision to accept you. No matter how subtly, she cannot imply that she will feel betrayed if her children actually like dad’s wife. She has to stop perceiving you as some sort of threat before any of this can happen. So as you can see, it really doesn’t matter how loving, caring, kind or compassionate you are as an ex-wife/mom’s negative feelings has much less to do with you and more about her own internal struggle.

Next, what has to happen is that dad has to be free of guilt parenting and committed to the both of you putting forth that unified front for his kids.  Doing so, will show his kids that the evil villian (you) did not make dad her puppeter, but instead, he is actually committed to being her parnter. This will send the message to the kids that there is no point in trying to break up the union, so you might as well get on board and do your part to make the stepfamily work. When children realize that their divide and conquer strategies won’t work, they usually concede. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will like you, however, but they will respect you.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you should completely give up. It just means that you have to change your perspective regarding what makes a successful stepfamily and how you go about achieving that. Most stepmothers think that you have achieved success when the kids are finally in love with you and this is simply not the case. Very rarely does a stepfamily operate like a first family, so if you have this goal in mind from the start, you are doomed to fail. Instead of forcing your way through the children, continuously work on your marriage. What I’ve discovered is that a stepfamily can be stable if the ex-wife/mom or even the kids don’t like you, but your stepfamily will fail if you and your spouse aren’t in sync.  A more realistic goal is to work in an area where you already are accepted and that’s with your spouse. Constantly work on communication and dating your spouse; things that first marriages even have to work on. Build a union that is based on common goals, trust and mutual understanding and then present this model to your stepchildren, through example.  Develop a co-parenting plan that consist of house rules and consequences that you both agree upon and present this to your children, as a unified front. Doing the aforementioned will allow you to build a stepfamily based on respect, which will increase  your chances of eventually building trust as a family, instead of feeling like you have to bear the task alone.

It’s all about changing your focus, stepmoms; realizing that your stepkids don’t have to like you, but they have to respect you in order to make your stepfamily work. Kids need order and consistency to feel safe in a world that has just become so unpredictable for them. Developing a co-parenting plan, a consistent routine and a family mission statement that you all agree upon is a much better formula for success.

Are Step-Parents Real Parents?

In doing some recent research about the relationships step-parents share with their step-children, I was refreshed with an article I read a while back, a few years after first becoming a stepmom.   The article begged a post here on Todays Modern Family not just because of its relevancy, but because of the importance it holds not just for step-parents facing this issue, but for gay and lesbian couples as well.  I recently experienced such an experience with my step-daughter and I just had to post this article in its entirety for our readers.  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding same.

Are Step-Parents Real Parents:  Published by Time Magazine (Circa 2006)

This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans – anyone in a stepfamily.  But you’ll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.

The case comes out of Washington State. Sue Carvin and Page Britain were lesbians living together since 1989. Their baby, L., was born in 1995, using an at-home artificial insemination kit and some sperm donated from their gay friend. Page Britain carried L. and gave birth, but Sue Carvin became the stay-at-home mom while Page worked to support the family. Their child called Sue “Mama” and Page “Mommy.”

For several years they were a model of lesbian co-parenting. But Page grew upset that Sue didn’t earn much money, and Sue was hurt that Page didn’t recognize the value of her sacrifice. They split up when L. was seven years old. Ever since, they’ve been fighting for custody in the courts. Or sort of. Because the courts couldn’t agree on whether Sue Carvin even had the right to fight for custody. She nurtured the child, but she wasn’t the biological mother. So what was she, in the eyes of the law?

Washington State decided that Sue Carvin has the right to argue she’s a “de facto” parent. This new classification can apply to any non-biological parental figure – and it specifically mentions stepparents. So while the case appears on first glance to be about gay-and-lesbian rights, it may have a far broader impact.

Consider that for every 1,000 couples with children in the United States, only two of those couples are same-sex-oriented. Meanwhile, thanks to the huge number of second marriages, a third of all Americans are part of a stepfamily. The question “Are they real parents?” applies not just to gays and lesbians – it applies to every stepfamily. That’s what the kids are testing when they angrily scream, “You’re not my real mommy!” And when the biological mother hears that her son has been spanked by his stepmother, she wonders, “She can’t do that, can she?”

While we closely monitor how gay rights are granted and taken away, we pay almost no attention to the fact that stepparents are in the same legal limbo. Despite being ubiquitous, step-relationships are rarely recognized by the law. In most states, stepparents are considered “legal strangers” even if they have cared for and supported a stepchild for years. They have almost no official responsibility and barely any rights.

What kind of rights are they deprived of? Some are remarkably banal. For instance a stepparent can’t sign a child’s school report card or field-trip permission form. Others are significant. A stepfather can’t include his stepdaughter on his family health insurance plan, for example. And she can’t inherit from him when he dies.

In the last few years, state family courts have tried to accommodate the stepparents and stepchildren who appear before them, without granting so much that it subtracts rights from a biological parent. In Colorado a stepparent can now sign the form that allows a minor to apply for a driver’s license. And in Oregon, a stepparent can petition the courts for visitation of former stepchildren, if that marriage has ended. In Arkansas, it’s even theoretically possible now for a stepparent to win custody over a biological parent. But in each state it’s a different story, and many states are still in denial.

So a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can’t sue.

The legal field is sitting on a huge time bomb. One-third of Americans are just one unfortunate circumstance away from ending up in court demanding their rights – where they will be told that those relationships aren’t real, and don’t count.

The U.S. Supreme Court has never been pressed to rule whether a stepparent is a real parent, and if so, under what conditions. But when it declined to review Britain v. Carvin, Washington State’s test for “de facto” parents instantly became a model for other states to replicate. Through a case everyone thought was about gay rights, stepfamilies just opened the door to the recognition they truly deserve.

Over the next 10 years, there will be an explosion of cases testing just how “real” stepparents are. This will never get the attention surrounding same-sex cases, because stepfamilies are just as populous in red states as blue, and no politician can use it to their advantage. Nor are stepfamilies subjected to the same degree of prejudice. Stepparents might be vilified, but they are vilified one at a time – not as a class. However, the systematic bias against them is very real.

Just as the law prefers parents to be one male and one female, the law prefers to limit the number of parents to two. Maybe this is because two is the number of people it takes to make a child in the first place. Maybe it’s because all the government forms are already printed with two signature lines. Maybe it’s because two worked so well for us for so long. But that hasn’t been the reality for several decades, and it’s time for the law to catch up.

Give me your thoughts TMF readers, we would love to hear your opinions on this subject!

You can read the full article at:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1195205,00.html#ixzz0yHi6btPl

Ways To Be A Happier Mom

Whether you are a mom, a stepmom with or without your own children, being happy is not just a necessity, but crucial.  Some of us tend to create impressions that we are truly happy to satisfy the emotional well-being of our children and husbands but fooling ourselves at the same time.

As I have written in prior posts, I feel that the number one reason we dont allow ourselves to be happy is because we have conjured up this notion that we are not allowed to nurture ourselves.  We refuse to “let go” of being the “be all and do all” for everyone except ourselves.  This is really a crime to our mental and emotional well-beings.  Key words…”being all and doing all” for ourselves, FIRST, doesn’t limt our happiness.

When we are only happy within limits, we are accomplishing nothing except giving ourselves self-satisfaction in exchange for a ruinous path.  By doing this, we cannot submit our grievances to our partners if we are not prepared to change this bad habit at the same time.  By limiting your own personal happiness, later in life, you will be remorseful for not paying attention to yourself.

Throughout my 20′s and 30′s, I lived this way myself, mostly unhappy and neglected;  not because I couldn’t be happy, but because I chose to put everyone ahead of me!  Because I was a single mom for most of those years, I didn’t think I had the time, nor did I feel it was proper to put myself before my children.  Boy, was I wrong!   As I have stated before, it’s like when you first board the airplane;  the stewardess teaches you to always put the oxygen mask on yourself before your children.  Why, because if you aren’t healthy and able-bodied how can you help anyone else?  The same goes for taking care of ourselves as single parents, moms and stepmoms.   It wasn’t until recently, in  my early 40′s did I really begin to see those effects and how by incorporating a few simple changes I could make my life better.  It really was an epiphany to me.  Now, I yearn each day to see what other ways I can find to incorporate more happiness.  By doing this, I have become a way better mother and stepmother.

Here are a few simple tips for nurturing that you can apply in your life as well:

• Take time to focus on your personal spiritual growth.
• Splurge on yourself once in a while — you work hard — you deserve it!
• Take 1 hour a day to yourself and focus on YOU!
• Surround yourself with good people who are uplifting.
• Take time for friendships.
• Take a class or focus on a hobby that brings you joy.

Another important value of finding happiness is “weeding out your obstacles.”  Keep in mind that just as weeds can take over a garden or a flower bed, they can take over your thoughts, perceptions and attitudes to the detriment of your own well-being.  Even healthy plants, if they aren’t cultivated properly, get sick.  As women, we run ourselves down at the drop of a hat; even dropping everything at a moments notice when our children, step-children or husbands need something.  Often times, it becomes overwhelming and feels like you are fighting against a never-ending current, all of which makes us uneven and out of balance.

Moving our obstacles out of the way of our true happiness allows us to take a stand for what is crucial to preserve…and that is living not just happily but abundantly.  Our children and step-children will grow up and move on and we need to have our own happiness.  As I stated in the preamble of this post, this not only applies to moms, but equally importantly to step-moms.  There is a preconceived notion that it’s okay for moms to need a break from the monotony of every day life and motherhood, but if a stepmom expresses such, she is being weak, unloving and mean.  What husbands and ex-wives forget is that a stepmom deals with the same, if not more, issues and stresses any other parent in the blended family.  Think about it, she has her own children, her stepchildren, constantly changing routines to fit everyone, and most of the time, she is overlooked in the appreciation department.  Even still, she also deserves to find happiness and to take time for herself as well. 

So get on board ladies!!  Don’t be afraid to move and weed out those obstacles!  I promise you, you will be a better person and mother for it!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Dad’s: Stop Wallowing in Guilt!

Parenting from guilt can be considered one of the seven deadly sins of the blended family and remarriage.  Knowing that the adult problem of divorce affects not just our lives but that of our children, is not only discomforting, but heartbreaking.   When a woman divorces, she more than likely becomes a single-parent overnight.  As a result, it seems as if she turns on a mechanism that doesn’t have time to cater to the effects of guilt feelings right away, due to the fact that she has to put on and wear several hats at once.  Single moms are actually encouraged to put guilt aside and avoid blaming themselves.  However, with most of my male clients, I see the “guilt parenting” from the start.  In fact, most men that I meet that are divorced say the same thing…”My children don’t live with me so when they are with me, I overcompensate for not being there on a daily basis.”  So, essentially, most fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad” and/or they allow negative thoughts to consume their feelings which in turn causes them to hazardly parent their children.  They believe that by “doing” things with their children instead of actually “being” with their children it will make up for their daily absence in their lives.  WRONG!  The myth that a non-custodial parent has to pack every single minute of the time they share with their children with fun activities and/or by giving or buying them things actually does more harm than good.  Dads….your children need a father not a playmate.  They need a structured environment, not a funhouse.  They need you to parent without guilt.

Loving our children doesn’t mean that as divorced parents, everything is always going to be hunky dorey.  We don’t prove to our children that we love them by showering them with gifts every other weekend or spoiling them beyond comprehension.  When we do this, our children equate “love” with “things.”  More importantly, loving our children means disciplining them when their behavior isn’t favorable (whether that be due to blended family issues or any concerning issue for that matter).  Many times, many non-custodial parents (and some custodial parents) will not hold their children accountable for their behavior, especially when there is a step-parent in the home which in turn sends destructive mixed signals to the children. 

Often times, Dads try too hard to protect their children from the issues that ultimately they will have to face as a child of divorce.  Albeit natural, we all want to protect our children from pain, but at the same time, we cannot brush problems under the rug and believe they will simply go away.  By doing this, they are not allowing their children nor themselves to heal from the wounds divorce creates in the first place.  With the guilt, they over-protect, which is a lot of the time to the detriment of the mental well-being of their new wives, their children and themselves as well.  As Dr. Wednesday Martin has said about divorce…”when unions dissolve, children do suffer.”  My advice would be “why make them suffer more by pushing them into “poor Dad or poor Mom” mode? 

Parents, let’s be realistic.  We make mistakes and some of our mistakes are big ones!  NO parent is perfect.  Looking back on my 23 years of parenting, I know I have some guilt.  Heck, I can’t blame anyone but myself for some of my errors.  However, if we wallow in the guilt of our past mistakes, it hampers our ability to parent effectively.  Plain and simple, there are no easy answers to parenting.  It’s all about trial and error and making the best of the situation we have at hand.  

Parents, children equate love with discipline, structure, boundaries and the love that we show them on a daily basis, not by the “things” we do with or buy for them.   For example, making them respect their step-parent at all times is huge.  This teaches them unity, love and respect.  If you allow discord, you teach discord.  If you allow unruliness, you teach unruliness.  In other words, if you teach what it really means to parent effectively by showing love and respect, they will always find and implement that in their own lives.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmoms Stop Whining

The title of this post may seem a bit harsh but as a reformed whiner baby, let me explain what I mean when I say, “quit your whining!” Like Peggy Nolan, publisher of Stepmom’s Toolbox blog and co-host of Stepmom’s Toolbox radio show, said in a recent guest article, “you can’t make someone love you by the number of things you do,” so quit whining about everything you do and everything that’s done to you and just stop doing it. Now before I get a load of emails from ex-wives and even some stepmoms, claiming that the big bad stepfamily counselor told them not to love their step children and/or support their husbands, I can assure you that that’s not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that it’s okay to verbalize what you will and won’t do, instead of doing it and then whining about it later.

The number one stepmom complaint that I’ve heard, read and even experienced is they [husband and ex-wife] makes plans for their kids without consulting me, yet they expect me to be involved in the plans.  For example, husband and ex-wife sign kid up for little league soccer, but neither of them can take him; or they scheduled an orthodontic appointment for you to take her to, without consulting you. I know it isn’t right but you don’t have to whine about it. You don’t even have to get angry. All you have to do is say NO! Let’s use the same orthodontic appoint ment to illustrate what I mean. When you find out that the appointment has been scheduled for a time that you can’t take her and no one has consulted you, you simply go to your husband and say, “honey bear, sugar foot, cupcake, baby (whatever pet name you use), you really should have consulted me prior to scheduling that appointment because I can’t take her. Since you two made the plans, one of you will have to take her.” If hubby says, okay and he’ll have ex-wife take her then you further explain that he’ll also need to be present for drop off and pick. And you let that be the end of the story. You don’t have to fight, get angry, or give him attitude about it. You simply have to state what it is that you will and won’t do and then go about your business.

As I stated earlier, I am a reformed whiner baby. I used to whine and complain all the time about how my husband and his ex-wife would take advantage of me. They made plans all the time and he got up and went to work and she was no where to be found. Bear in mind that I had to go to work, too. He just left before me and I was always left, baffled asking, “what in the hell just happened here?” After complaining for years, literally, I realized that I was becoming a bitter whiner that was just unpleasant to be around. That was until I got a clue; I actually have more power over the situation than I think because I can simply say no and let them deal with it. Now this of course ruffled the ex-wife’s feathers, but my husband actually understood where I was coming from because I approached him the right way. From that point on, he never made plans without consulting me again.

Here’s the revelation ladies: you have way more power than you think you do and will fair a lot better and reduce stress by controlling what you can instead of trying to control how everyone feels about you. Running yourself into the ground by doing a bunch of things in hopes that you’ll be appreciated or considered the good stepmom only makes you a bitter person.   Additionally, remember it’s all in how you approach your hubby as well; just say NO, without anger or attitude and go on your merry way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be and fit this unattainable notion of what a stepmom is. As I’ve said before, a stepmom doesn’t have to be the resident punching bag in order to be a good stepmom but often times, it’s the stepmother herself who places herself in that position. Just know that you can be loving, kind, supportive and caring without being taken advantage of. Putting your foot down (in certain situations) doesn’t make you bad, but it will keep you sane.

#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

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