Hollywood = Splitsville?

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

How Often Do You Vacation Without the Kids?

Diane and I received a question from a reader last week regarding vacationing WITHOUT his kids or stepkids. His wife wanted to keep it from his children until the last minute because she didn’t want them to be upset. However, he didn’t/doesn’t understand why his wife’s stepkids feel as if they are entitled to go. His stepkids expressed that it was unfair that they weren’t included in the vacationing plans.

In my opinon, although I think it’s completely normal for kids to be disappointed that mom and dad are going on vacation without them, I don’t feel the need to beat around the bush, or figure out a way to tell them (as if to ask their permission), that the adults/parents are going on vacation without them. This holds true if the children are older – which his are. In my opinion, it just feeds into that sense of entitlement.

As I told the reader, vacationing WITHOUT the kids, from time to time, is a great way to get some extended time just focusing on you as a couple, instead of you as parents/co-parents/step parents. Couples NEED that in order to nurture their marriage and be better partners and parents.

Below is the reader’s story. What do you think? How often do you vacation without your kids/stepkids?

READER QUESTION:

Hi Kela and Diane…

Wanted to pose a question for the advisory board if I may…

My wife and I are going on a vacation in a couple of weeks.  Hawaii specifically.  My wife didn’t want to tell her kids (pre-teens) until just before we were flying out.  I didn’t quite understand this because my ex and I had travelled a number of times when my kids were younger and there was no problem with them knowing.

A few days before the planned disclosure date to her kids, I accidentally let the cat out of the bag at the dinner table.  My wife was shocked and a little disappointed but she took the opportunity to explain the context of the trip.

Kids reacted fine at first, but then became mopey and expressed that they thought it was unfair that we go without them.  I had not seen that there was any precedent set that they come on all trips with us.  However, this is the first major trip my wife and I have taken together where we are gone for more than a few days to such an appealing place.

They came up with some of the most amazing rationalizations as to why this wasn’t fair and that they deserved to go.  None of which made sense to me or my wife.  We had launched a new business this past year and agreed that we would not take any holidays other than long weekends due to the commitment it required.  Glad to say the first year has been a success so this is somewhat a reward for much hard work.  It is also a sort of deferred honeymoon for us.

I just don’t see where the “we deserve to go with you”, thing comes from.  I don’t recall feeling that way as a kid, nor did I experience that with my own kids when I was in my first marriage.  I’ve spoken to a few friends, and the responses are mixed, but the majority see no problem with parents vacationing on their own and few have experienced much resistance.  None on the level we just went through.

In the end, one of my step kids admitted he was envious.  The other still contends it is just not fair.  We are going all the same.  I am paying for it.  Fabulous arrangements have been made for kids to stay with a wonderful friend in a wonderful setting.

So, I know there aren’t many do’s or dont’s on an issue like this.  Wondering if you can provide any thoughts or experiences.  I was just left quite puzzled and perhaps feel a little guilty and bothered that my wife and I can’t take a well-earned vacation after a very hard-working year without such resistance and commotion.

Spring Into Your Wedding Colors for the Summer

So he’s popped the question and now the race is on to get everything done before that magical day of marital bliss; but wait where do you start?  There so much to do?  The first thing my girlfriends and I use to think of is, “What would be your colors?”  Do you choose his favorite color and your favorite color to collaborate?  What if his favorite color is orange and yours is magenta?  Well worry no more; I have some of the most popular color combinations for Spring / Summer 2010:

• Teal and Coral
• Vintage Purple and Sky Blue
• Emerald Green and Cream
• Mauve and Wine
• Lilac and Sky Blue
• Win and Blush Pink
• Sky Blue and Light Yellow
• Mocha and Blush Pink
• Warm Gray and any Pink, Coral, Blue or Purple
• Olive and Mauve
• Mint and Vintage Purple

Although these are some of the most popular colors for the early part of our new decade, it is important to incorporate a personal style that is shared with both of your new families so why not get the children involved. Consider the fact that this is likely a difficult time for the children and whenever possible, get them involved in the wedding plans to make them feel part of the celebration. My suggestion, make a game of it.  When everyone is together, grab the top three color combination from the list above (please feel free to add or take away from the list), make sure the colors are separate from each other -making it six colors–, put the different options in a hat or basket and have the children draw until empty, and stand next to each other with their different colors.  Mix and match the children and the colors until a combination is decided.  It’s fun for the children, makes them feel like their opinion matters and makes them feel as if they won’t be left out because mom or dad is getting married.

Additionally, it’s important to realize that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to planning a second chance wedding. If you and your fiancé have daughters that are relatively the same age and you’re having a difficult time deciding who will be the flower girl, just have two flower girls. The same holds true for the ring bearer. Allow one son to carry one ring and the other son to carry the other. Create your own rituals so that everyone feels part of the wedding celebration and start your life out with an effort to be a cohesive unit. Finally, keep in mind the final decision is yours, but the kids will enjoy and appreciate that you have thought enough of them to include them in on this important decision.

Happy Planning!

Lynn Maxwell

XL Events, LLC

Lynn Maxwell, a single mother of one, is the Event Director of XL Events, LLC; an event planning company located in the Indianapolis area. She has expertise in planning spectacular events, including wedding receptions, concerts, poetry events and more. She XL’s in making your events happen! For more information, please send an email to xleventsllc@yahoo.com.