Love, Patience, and Life Lessons From My Stepmom

July 1, 2012 By

I know the same old stories about the hardships and struggles of growing up in a divorced family can get  boring at times but to me they never get old.  I talk with lots of folks on a day-to-day basis about their lives, issues and the problems that relate to the dynamics of stepfamilies and I do my best to get them thru same.  Nonetheless, I never get tired of hearing those problems because I, too, have been in their shoes, and I feel it is my calling from God to help others thrive.  Needless to say, I learn more and more about myself after each visit with someone else.

My parents divorced when I was six.  Both of my parents remarried early on after their divorces and both of those remarriages ended in another divorce.  However, my father remarried again later on when I was about 22.  As a kid, what choice do you have really except to try to go with the flow and hope that things turn out for the best, right?  Well, at 22, you have your own mind, your own skepticism, your own perceptions at that point about what marriage looks like and unfortunately, for a child of divorce, sometimes that view is skewed due to your own broken experience.  With all of that, we forged ahead.  Dean and my dad have been married for well over 20 years now and I have learned so much from her, actually, more than she probably knows or will ever take credit for.

My stepmom didn’t have the pick of the litter for stepkids.  We weren’t kids when she came into our lives and we had our own idiosyncrasies already established.  In our opinion, we didn’t really care because we had been down that road before without success.  Our expectations weren’t high about marriage and remarriage but we hoped for the best for them and for us.

Dean had only one biological child whom she lost tragically at the age of 18 before she married my dad.  Rightfully so, I wouldn’t have blamed her one single bit for not wanting to put up with any stepkid drama but that was never Dean’s attitude. Dean never wore her feelings on her sleeve.  She is a strong woman.  One of strongest I have met.  She doesn’t know this, but  when I was faced with my own tragedy, I thought a lot about her strength and tenacity and it helped me to know that if she could have faced something as unimaginable as the loss of her only child then I could stand and face what I needed to as well when I experienced loss and when my husband was diagnosed with MS.  What I have learned from her I could write a book on and I have to say, most I never learned from my own parents.  My parents are good people and each of them have taught me good things and brought different perspectives to my life.  I love both of them dearly, but Dean has a way of making me “think” about things differently.  She has an extraordinary sense of saying the things I need to hear most, right at the right time which gives me that little “umpf” to get to the solution quicker.  She has taught me it’s okay to grieve for a time but then it’s time to get to the answers and move on to better days.  She has taught me the art of focusing on solutions instead of problems.  But, I think the greatest lesson she has taught me isn’t through her words, it is through her actions.  Dean is a registered nurse and a very successful small business owner and at the age well….let’s just say….about 60 (but to me she’s no more than 40) she went back to school and attained her Masters Degree and is a dissertation away from her doctorate degree.  All of this while dealing with a disease she has had since she was 16 years old. She recently had a stroke and when I called to speak to her I asked her how she is getting thru this and she eloquently said…”doing what I need to do and moving on!”  Determination is an understatement in her vocabulary.  When she accomplishes something, she finds something better and harder to strive for.  When she is faced with something, she faces it with dogged determination and moves on to the next!  Most importantly, she has taught me not to feel sorry for myself for anything that I have gone through but to know that road bumps are simply stepping stones to my rainbows and when I get to that rainbow, I may still get a few splinters sliding down along the way but that is God’s way of making me strong and sturdy for the next challenging hurdle that I will have to jump.  For these lessons, I am grateful.

I tell my clients who are stepmoms and who are struggling that their efforts do not go unnoticed even if it seems like they do.  Children live what they learn.  They take those positive experiences and turn them into life qualities.  They are watching even when you don’t think they are, even when they are being stubborn.  Sometimes it takes into adulthood for them to realize the importance that you bring to their lives, but don’t fret, what you bring to the table is important and special.  I am a stepmother now.  I have my own stepdaughter and I hope that I can be to her a  quarter of what my stepmom is to me.  I hope that I can pass along those same lessons Dean has taught me and I hope that if she needs me when she hits one of those road bumps, that I can teach her how to use that experience to slide down that rainbow!

Thank you Dean for all of your love, patience and life lessons!  I love you.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Choice Plays A Vital Role In Our Relationships

January 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In my coaching practice, I come across clients all of the time that are in conflict and need help with their blended family issues.  Most of the time, their frustrations simply come from the choices that they are deciding to make or not to make which end up causing most of the hardship in their relationships.  For example, in remarriage, the biggest problem I come across with my clients is the issue of discipline.  9 times out of 10 the clients cannot agree, and they refuse to agree to disagree on this issue.   Resentment builds in one or both parties, the issue continues to be swept under the rug and by choosing to not to get on the same page, they are ultimately making a choice that may end up ruining or eventually ending their marriage.

Let’s talk about why choice plays such an important role in our relationships.  We have to understand that as life partners we always have a choice in how we live in our relationships.  With that, we may not always like our choices but part of being life partners is knowing that as we make these unavoidable choices we open certain other possibilities and we close the door on others.  For example, if we make the choice to allow our children or stepchildren to run the household, disrespect our spouse and never come to an agreement on the rules and what behaviors will and will not be tolerated in our household, then we close the door to trust and communication with our spouse.  We have to choose to handle these situations not just to ensure that our relationships stay sound but to help our children as well.

I once read that choice follows awareness.  Teaching our children this is so important.  The most effective way to teach them this is by example.  Every time we make a choice for our families as a couple, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  When we hold that we choose what happens in our relationships it is only then that we take full ownership over them.

TMF Readers, remember, marriage is a marathon not a sprint.  In our relationships and through our family issues, when you find yourself not seeing the difference between your choices and you are finding it easy to make your spouse “wrong” instead of holding yourself to the fact that you made a choice too,  your relationship will suffer.  Realizing that our individual choices play a role as well in our issues is key.  Take time to communicate to your spouse the choices you two are making individually and as a couple which affect your relationship.  Having this awareness will give you power and you will avoid taking the easy way out but will make room for more open communication and togetherness.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hollywood = Splitsville?

January 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

Share
Filed Under: Entertainment Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are You Co-Dependent on Your Kids?

August 17, 2011 By Leave a Comment

There are situations in life where it becomes inevitable that as parents we make mistakes.  One of the mistakes I made as a young, widowed mother was relying entirely too much on my oldest son during our time of grief.  Granted, I had a lot going on at the time, including pregnancy,  but I admit, I let my focus go as a parent.  I allowed my emotions at the time to control my actions.  Those emotions took many forms and needless to say, I relied too much on my son for my own happiness which in turn blurred the line between dependence and independence for him as he got older and co-dependence for me.

During and after divorce, many times both parents are so emotionally hung up on trying to re-evaluate their own lives that they feel it is okay to involve their children in every single aspect of their beings.  For example, some parents guilty parent so exceedingly that they actually allow their children to become “spouse-like.”  What do I mean by that you might ask?  They base all of their decisions around what their children think, they ask their children for advice, they lean on their children for sympathy, they communicate with their children as if they are their best friends.  Parents allow their own happiness to rely totally on the happiness of their children.  When this occurs, this is a complete no-win situation for your child. 

When going through our own emotions as parents, it is extremely important to show our children that even though circumstances happen in life that cause heartache, pain, grief or disappointment, that their presence in our lives alone makes us happy.  Therefore, we are not unintentionally making them feel responsible to “fix” things for us.  If we don’t make that clear, they will inevitably feel responsible for our happiness.  They will feel that it is their responsibility to be our listening ear and that it is normal for them to fill the “void” that you are missing.  Remember, your children are just that, your children….not your surrogate mate.

TMF Readers, if you don’t remember anything at all about us here at Today’s Modern Family, remember that what we write about, we have almost always lived through.  I felt the need to write this post on my heart because during the time that I was personally experiencing this type of dependence, I was really not doing what was in my childrens’ best interest.  In order for me to stop being a codependent parent, I had to get a life for myself. 

Your life does not have to revolve around your children.  Value yourself enough to give yourself your own time to do some of the things that make you happy and what makes you relax and renew.  Find time to pursue your dreams and goals.  Even after something as hard as divorce is to get through, being able to focus on the bigger picture and what might lie ahead for you if you are willing to put in the work to forge ahead will be of great benefit to you.  Make time for yourself. 

Instead of teaching your children the art of codependency, teach them that it’s okay to have strengths and weaknesses.  It’s okay to learn from your mistakes and to deal with them on your own for the greater good.  Life is full of negatives.  Don’t worry them with your problems and your circumstances.  If you want to do anything for your children, turn your codependency into freedom for them.  Let them make their own choices about their absent parent without your feelings being at stake.  They need your security, they look to you for their protection.  They can’t protect us nor should they carry that burden.  

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Step-Sibling Rivalry

April 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

“Parents often underestimate the extent  and the importance of the changes that children go through when they integrate into a new stepfamily.”

As parents and co-parents, the number one goal for our blended families is usually to make sure that our children are able to cohesively adapt to their newfound families.  Unfortunately, we often underestimate the feelings of grief and loss that our children feel and if there are other children within the family that are also being blended in and these childen end up becoming territorial and often times, that means war — not just for the children but also for the parents involved!

Traditional families and stepfamilies alike have the problem of sibling rivalry, however, one major difference is that when a remarriage occurs, one set of children usually has to adapt to a different home, a whole new set of rules and the order of their lives has been turned upside down.  For the children that currently live in the home, they usually have it a bit easier considering they don’t have to change homes, but rather they most likely have the experience of their birth order becoming askewed.  For example, a youngest child may no longer be the baby of the family and the oldest child may find they he/she has older siblings now.

Another cause of sibiling rivalry is often us.  Parents themselves often tend to show favortism toward their own children.   Although most parents try their best and think they are being fair, at times, they really arent.  It’s a hard pill to swallow, but  for children dealing with this situation, it can be very emotionally distressing.   One way of alleviating this issue is to deal with the relationship you and your stepchild share.   Make sure your stepchild knows that you care for them as much as you care for your biological children.  This will help to allieveate some of their emotional stress.   Sibling rivalry is fairly common and can be addressed relatively easy and it is important to do so.  Here are a few ways to help you address some of the sensitive issues that come along with step-sibling rivalry:

  • Use the children’s conflicts to teach them to recognize their emotions.
  • Never lose sight of your goals as a parent which means you are responsbile for training them for relationships, character, etc.
  • Don’t let any of the children wear your down.
  • Use the particular rivalry to teach them that you as the parents are in control.
  • Don’t rush to solve every problem for them — let them work things out on their own.  This teaches them to own their responsibility.
  • Teach them to forgive.
  • Reset your expectations.  Conflict is going to happen. 
  • Teach them tolerance.  Make sure all children in the household know that their opinions matter and they are free to express them in healthy ways.
  • Teach them respective communication.

Step-siblings usually fight with each other because they lack the social skills to work things out. They’re naturally self-centreed, so they don’t empathize with one another.  We have to teach them how to negotiate and to give and take.  TMF Readers, remember, our children did not ask to be thrust into a blended/step family.  It is our responsbility to make sure they have the right tools to navigate successfully.  If we don’t, we may well end up with a disaster on our hands.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

THIS IS WHO I AM!

February 6, 2011 By 12 Comments

There are two primary choices in life:

1.  To accept conditions as they exist; or

2.  Accept the responsibility for changing them!

This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives.  Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.

For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me.  I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time.  I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family.  I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought.   Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself.  No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME!

What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy.  As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.”  Life isn’t always happy.  Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive.  Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye.  I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back.  I don’t need approval from anyone but myself!  I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect  individual person.   Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better.   The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating.  The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.

The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing.  With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives.  No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves.

That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stepparent Standards

January 23, 2011 By 4 Comments

Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments.  It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken.  I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond.  Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject?  Sure.  Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me?  Probably.  However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great.  She is one of the most important people in my life.  She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her.  At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role. 

Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family.  Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is.  One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren.  We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated.  If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP!  Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr.  Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds.  Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.

Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad”  and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family.  This idea is totally unrealistic.  Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time.   Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives.  They don’t need extra baggage.

Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far.  For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance.  You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife.  I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent. 

Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning.  Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children.  For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex.  Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children.  This only adds fuel to an already grieving child.  Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse.  What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse.  This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent.  Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them.  If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent. 

As I always like to state, children live what they learn.  If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that.  Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Step-parenting and Separation

March 30, 2010 By 1 Comment

sandrabullockIt’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Share
Filed Under: Entertainment Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stepmom by Reader Bella Braden

March 25, 2010 By 2 Comments

mothersonI married for the first time in my late 40′s. In addition to acquiring a husband I also inherited a 5 year old stepson named Joshua.

Before I married his father I spent a lot of time getting to know Josh. One day while we were playing legos I announced that I would have to stop playing soon so I could spend some time with his dad. Josh stopped dead in his tracks and looked up at me with his naïve and annoyed little face and said

“Why would you want to play with my dad? He’s just a parent!”

Huuummm, interesting point I thought, and so I stayed a while longer and built an addition onto my lego garage.

When Joshua came to my house for the first time a few weeks later, he kept wondering around, opening closet doors and intently looking into all the rooms of my home. Finally, he wandered back into the living room and asked me where my parents were. I told him I didn’t live with my parents anymore and that I lived by myself. His eyes grew big and he gasped,

“You mean you take care of yourself? You’re just a kid!”

“Yep I take care of myself,” I replied.

And so Joshua and I quickly became fast friends and partners in crime and I fell just as hard for him as I did with his dad, and a year later we became a family. Now, while most of my friends are packing up the last of their grown children and moving them out of the house, I am leaping off the back deck with my super hero cape on, and playing soccer, and running like the wind, and petting the fur on caterpillars backs and learning to love and nurture the family of pet rodents and albino frogs that live in our home. And after I have tucked the young lad in at night and I am icing down my knees from a long fun day of jumping and running and playing, I think how fortunate I am to have finally discovered the fountain of youth, not in a magic little pill but in a sweet, inquisitive, rambunctious little boy.

Cc: Bella Braden

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting

March 17, 2010 By 9 Comments
Partial Cast of All of Us

Divorced Parents on All of Us

I often watch the television show, All of Us, produced by Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith and is loosely based on their own lives. It’s about a divorced couple who is working together to raise their son. The ex-husband has a live in girlfriend, but the ex-wife does not.

If you watch the show, you will immediately pick up on the obvious double standards that exist in their co-parenting relationship. For example, the ex-wife is allowed to freely enter her ex-husband’s house, using their son’s key, whenever she likes; but, her ex-husband has to knock when he goes over to her place.  The ex-wife demands to be told what’s going on in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (when they are getting married, when she could move in, etc), but when he asks what’s going on with her new boyfriend, she tells him that her personal life is none of his business. On another episode, the ex-wife demanded to be part of the birthday planning that her ex-husband and his girlfriend was planning for their son, but she had already had a birthday party for him, and neither her ex-husband nor his girlfriend were invited.

I realize that everything on television is not real, but Will and Jada Smith have admitted that the show is loosely based on their own stepfamily. Loosely based means that although some concepts may be exaggerated to a certain extent, something similar has happened in their own lives. Not to mention, that I’ve spoken with several divorced dads and stepmoms who also frequently complain about the double standards that exists within their stepfamilies as well.  For example,  ex-wife wants to know everything that’s going on in ex-husband’s house and relationship, but doesn’t offer and even refuses to share, information regarding her own relationship or household. Ex-wife demands to be invited to any and everything regarding the child, but doesn’t even tell ex-husband about the activities that she plans for the child. Ex-wife is adamant about having unlimited access to the child while he or she is in her ex-husband’s care, but dad’s access is very limited and strictly based on the ex-wife’s rules alone. Additionally, according to author, trailblazing researcher and psychologist, E. Mavis Hetherington, ex-wives tend to be more intrusive and remain bitter and angry for much longer than their ex-husbands, post-divorce.

All of the above information supports the claims that double standards, more often than not, exist between the ex-wife and the ex-husband. What I, along with many others, can’t understand is why they exist.  More importantly, why are these double standards continually accepted by society? Why do mothers think they have more rights than fathers who are just as involved (or at least want to be) in their child’s life?  Why does society view ex-wives who exhibit this behavior, as victims who are just in pain, or the protective mama bears who are just trying to protect their children? Why does society convince us to believe that the children need protection from a father who is fighting to be with his children?

What’s even more important than why is how? How do we change our perception of how co-parenting relationships should operate? I’ve always been an advocate of and highly encouraged healthy boundaries from the very beginning of the divorce. Having a child gives neither parent an all access pass into each others’ lives after the divorce. Neither parent needs detail regarding what’s going on in their ex-spouse’s relationships or marriage or household (unless of course it is harming the child). Furthermore, when the child is in your house, the parent caring for him or her at that time is in charge of the child. Both parents are in charge of their respective households and allowing overlap only leads to the double standards mentioned above.

Overall, it’s important to realize that you can have a great co-parenting relationship without being totally engulfed in each others’ lives.  And, fathers need to realize that they aren’t doing a disservice to their children by setting healthy boundaries for their ex-wives.  Ex-wife should not be allowed to have each foot in both her and her ex-husband’s household and vice versa. Doing so, only increases chances of resentment, conflict, miscommunication and all out war.

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
«Older Posts