Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

The Stepmom Stepback

One of the most valuable assets that I’ve received from founding Today’s Modern Family is the people that I’ve met along the way. I learn so much from other stepmoms, adult children of divorce, stepfathers and even ex-wives just from maintaining TMF. What I appreciate most are the ones who allow us to take a candid look into their own life; sharing the triumphs AND mistakes so that we may apply them to our life making it a little easier for us to navigate through our own stepfamilies. One of those stepmoms is Erin from The Erin Experiment. I appreciate her honesty and thought that one of recent posts would be helpful to other stepmoms. It’s called Learning the Art of The Stepmom Stepback! It kind of sounds like a dance move, huh? Please see the post below and tell us whether or not you’ve learned this new dance move.

Erin says…

I was a hot mess in 2009.

My husband was out of town for most of the year and I had a lot on my stepmom plate. If you haven’t gleaned from last week’s posts, I felt like hope was almost certainly lost and that Super Stepmom Syndrome was going to be the death of me.

Like a lot of stepmoms, I’m a doer and a hopeful peacekeeper. I want everyone to like me and for everyone — my husband, my stepkids and their mom — to feel more at ease because I’ve got things under control. Everyone in Erin Experimentland had a tough 2009, not just me; however, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure everyone’s life was easier.

Trying to make sure four other people’s lives are easier is like trying to arrange peaceful talks among Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea and the folks in the Gaza Strip. It’s practically impossible to do and you’ll likely not survive intact.

I could feel the weight of trying to be everyone’s peacekeeper tugging at my soul. No matter how nice and accommodating I tried to be to everyone else, there was always something keeping me from taking full care of myself.

I spent most of 2009 struggling to figure out what kind of Stepmom I was. I had essentially thrust myself into my husband’s Dad role during the week and then felt depleted on the weekends he was home. I couldn’t figure out if I was coming or going and it impacted everything from my marriage to my waistline.

I stayed on this roller coaster for almost a year.

About a month ago, my blog intervened on my behalf. I’ll spare the details but suffice it to say, I was relieved of a lot of my during the week Stepmom duties. And I’ve never felt more normal in my entire Stepmom life.

I had spent so much time trying to be the second coming of Mom and Dad that I completely lost myself. It’s hard to figure out who you are and what your role is when Mom and Dad are wanting and expecting you to step up and keep things running smoothly.

Some time around my birthday, I was having a discussion with some members of the Stepmom Posse about how I could untangle myself from this intricate web I felt I had woven myself into.

I asked, almost desperately: How do I step back and reclaim my Stepmom role again?

I’ll never forget what honorary stepmom Jen Newcomb Marine of NoOnestheBitch.com told me: You need to subtly step back and let your stepkids’ Mom and Dad be just that: Mom and Dad. They brought these children into the world and they are the one’s responsible for making sure the kids are taken care of. It is not your job to be the family peacekeeper. Sure, Mom and Dad will make mistakes and forget things — just like you are capable of doing — but if you become a Helicopter Stepmom and don’t give everyone room to fall down or screw up then you won’t have done anyone any good, least of all yourself.

She, along with Izzy Rose, another stepmom friend named Jen, and my trusty, insightful mom reminded me that being “Family Peacekeeper” wasn’t part of my marriage vows. I didn’t enter into the state of matrimony so that I could make everyone happy with my organizing capabilities. I got married because I wanted to be my husband’s partner and because I love him.

So now, I’m practicing the art of the Stepmom Stepback. I’m learning to not get involved in matters where Mom and Dad should be the ones making the decisions. If someone has a doctor’s appointment or needs money for a field trip, guess who isn’t making the appointment or writing the check anymore?

It’s been a tough role to remove myself from. There have been instances where I felt like I should speak up or just do something or volunteer to do it so that everyone is less stressed. But then I’d just be falling right back in to the same routine.

For now, I’m learning to take better care of myself. My radio show co-host Peggy Nolan would be proud of how much self-care is going on at Casa de Erin Experimentland. I try to do yoga at least once or twice a week; I don’t worry as much about the little things anymore and I feel much happier than I have in a long time.

I’m still trying to figure out where and how far I should step back. Ladies, have you had success figuring this out? Anyone trying to get started? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Stepchildren and Discipline

A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship.  A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means.  However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand.  This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage.  Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child.  However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide. It can be hard for the new parent to fit right into the rules of the family, they may not know if the teenager can borrow their credit card or how much allowance they should get.   For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this?  Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building?  Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules?  Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child.  They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner)  – period.   In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”  Your answer is probably “no.”  Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).

Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings.  Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated.  With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone.  This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference.  With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.

As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children.  That is a bond that takes time.  Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline.  Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents.  Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.

Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother.  Here are some tips for you to follow:

1.  Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2.  Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3.  All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4.  Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5.  Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them.  Always discuss it behind closed doors.  This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.

Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them.  Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren).  Let them know your expectations of them.   Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Friendship is a Secret Weapon

I read this post about friendship on author of Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin’s blog, and decided to share this valuable information about friendship with Today’s Modern Family readers. Be sure to check out her blog by clicking on her name.

By Guest Blogger, Wednesday Martin

Do you have a Valentine’s Day hangover? Have you read a million articles and heard a million news reports about marriage and love and crazy proposal schemes and so on over the last days and weeks? Couples and romance are big news-and big business. With so much recent emphasis on the couple bond, romance, love, sex, and so on during the build-up to Valentine’s Day, some other very important relationships may not have gotten their due.

I’m talking about you and your friends. Why you need them, what they do for you, why you literally can’t live (or can’t live as well) without them.

I am honored to find myself a finalist for a “Books for a Better Life” award along with Jeffrey Zazlow. You know him-he co-authored The Final Lecture with Randy Pausch, and more recently wrote The Girls from Ames, a chronicle of the lives and friendships of 11 women from Ames, Iowa over the course of 40 years.

Zazlow found that, in spite of the fact that the women moved apart and lived in eight different states, their friendships sustained them in critical and remarkable ways. One woman lost a child to leukemia. Another battled breast cancer. The women dealt with transitions like divorce, job loss and the stresses of caring for their kids and their parents. Over and over, they supported one another with phone calls, gifts, and emails, extending and benefiting from the tangible and intangible rewards of friendship.

What does science have to say about social support and emotional and physical well-being? You might be surprised. Last spring a New York Times article summarized some pretty incredible research about what friendship can do for us, concluding that friendship is a, if not the, key ingredient in the brew of a healthy life.

A 2004 Ohio State University study looked at the effects of the stress hormone cortisol on lone hamsters versus those paired with a furry friend. Researchers found that skin wounds healed nearly twice as fast in the befriended hamsters. These animals also produced less of the stress hormone cortisol than unpaired hamsters. Here’s something else: if the researchers deliberately stressed the hamsters by putting them in a confined area, those hamsters who had company in the stressful situation produced less cortisol than the ones confined alone. And presence of another hamster increased the hamsters’ oxytocin levels. That’s a feel-good, happy type hormone that is also produced when you nurse a baby or fall madly in love. The study’s lead author concludes, “Stress delays wound healing in humans and other animals, and social contact helps counteract this delay.” That’s right, friendship helps us heal.

Another study of 3,000 nurses found that those without friends were four times as likely to die as those with ten or more friends. And here’s something amazing: the women didn’t have to see or even be in touch with those friends for the friendship to have a protective effect. And just last year Harvard University researchers found that a good network of friends could promote brain health and improve memory function as we age.

Social support is good for guys, too. A Swedish study found that only smoking was a greater predictor of having a hard attack than was not having friends. That’s right, not having friends can be almost as bad for your health as smoking. And as for smoking alone-okay, I’ll stop!

As to your mental health, it seems friendships give us a leg up and a positive attitude, a sense that we Can Do (what woman partnered with someone with kids couldn’t use that?) One of my favorites is the slope slant study. College students were asked to stand at the bottom of a slope and describe its steepness. Those who stood with friends rated the slope as less steep, and the longer they’d been friends with the person they stood with, the less steep they rated it. Climb every mountain -with your best pal.

What does all this mean for women with stepchildren? I don’t think I need to spell it out for you. In a stressful situation your best bet may well be to find some supportive friends, and then hang on like hell. Get out-a good goal might be once a week-away from your home, your partner, and his or her kids if they’re in residence, and have a good time. One of my readers has a regular get-together with friends who have martinis and touch up their color or get haircuts (Okay, maybe the combination of gin and scissors makes me a little nervous, but that’s just me. And we know that even a bad haircut pales in comparison to bad physical and mental health brought on or exacerbated by social isolation!)

You could try a rotating movie night, bowling, whatever works to keep you feeling connected to your pals. Izzy Rose of Stepmother’s Milk is a big proponent of Girl’s Night Out-check out her website for suggestions.

Yes, your spouse is a great person. But research shows that couples who don’t make the extra effort can become isolated in their marriages-marooned together in essence (Gerstel and Sarkisian, “Marriage Reduces Social Ties,” paper for the Council on Contemporary Families, 2007). This can be especially maladaptive for stepcouples, since they may experience aggravating fractures and differences in opinion in their parnterships for the first several years and even longer. Getting out with friends can be a great release and rejuvenator for them, a way to step away from their differences, connect with friends, and feel supported in fundamental and, it turns out, life-altering, if not life-saving, ways.

That’s right. It turns out that friends are the new glass of red wine. Or the new dark chocolate. Or the new green tea. So indulge in friendship, without guilt.

Protecting The Stepmother’s Mental Health

There are over 19 million people walking around depressed today, in America.  A large number of those depressed 19 million people are  mothers.  Many experts and society as a whole, acknowledge the fact that moms are the glue that holds the family together, and are often overworked and overextended. As a matter of fact, they sell t-shirts with a quote that says, “If mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy.” Television experts like Dr. Phil and Supernanny, Jo Frost, often encourage moms to take some time for themselves, learn to say NO (without guilt) and not feel bad for occasionally having feelings of dislike toward their children. They express that it’s just the resentment of being pulled in so many different directions that causes those types of feelings, and as a mom you need to set some boundaries in order to have balance. We’ve all heard this before, right moms?

That being said, as I stated in my Super Stepmom Syndrome article, what we don’t see a lot of is the same support for stepmothers. Historically, stepmothers have just been expected to accept any and everything because they chose to marry a man with children, and therefore chose to marry his kids and his ex-wife. It’s something that they shouldn’t complain about and realize that it’s not about them, but the kids who are torn apart by divorce.  We’ve all heard this before, right stepmoms? My question is then why shouldn’t mom be expected to just suck it up? After all, she chose to have children in the first place and it’s supposed to be about the kids, right? Why does she get to complain and then receive sympathy with kids that she chose to create, but stepmom has to just suck it up with kids who are not her own?

According to Linda Nielsen, a professor of psychology and women’s studies at Wake Forest University, stepmothers feel more stress than stepfathers and are overall the most stressed member of the stepfamily. In her research she indicates that 4 factors contribute to this stress: (1) our society’s attitudes about step/mothers and motherhood; (2) the mother’s and stepmother’s personalities, attitudes and circumstances; (3) the father’s attitudes and his relationship with the mother; and (4) the stepchildren’s gender and mental health.

As I stated above, stepmothers are expected to just accept everything without expressing themselves and are often told that they are evil and wicked if they do lose a grip every now and then. They are often battling an intrusive ex-wife as research indicates that ex-wives remain bitter for longer (years after) the divorce and are in fact the most intrusive. Their husband is still dealing with his guilt over the divorce and is often times an overcompensating, disney land dad and refuses to set healthy boundaries for his children and/or his ex-wife. Finally, age and gender definitely play a role in the step-parent/stepchild relationships in the stepfamily. For example, studies show that the stepmother/stepdaughter relationship is the most problematic relationship in the stepfamily, and can contribute to the dissolution of the remarriage and family if not handled properly.

All of the above mentioned and more, as you can imagine, creates a significant amount of stress for the stepmother and has enormous potential to send them to a downward spiral of depression. Being expected to please everyone without being able to express how you feel is an unrealistic and totally unfair expectation to place on ANYONE! Stepmothers need to have their role acknowledged and supported if we are to work at decreasing the alarming rate of second divorces in America. She can’t be expected to walk on eggshells, especially in her own home, just to pacify everyone else.  It will only leave her feeling totally isolated, resentful and depressed, just like those mothers that I mentioned above. The stepmother needs support, too; support from her husband; support from her friends and family and support from society as a whole!

I realize that everyone in the stepfamily has their challenges and own crosses to bear; however, the stepmother receives less support and understanding than ANYONE in the stepfamily and that just has to change.  Everyone else is allowed to act out and freely express themselves without judgment, because society has more sympathy for them, and historically, stepmoms have been deemed as wicked. We sympathize with dad because he doesn’t get to see his children as often. We sympathize with the kids because they’ve just experienced the loss of their family. We sympathize with ex-wife because she is just trying to “protect” her children.  We then we dump all of those emotions, responsibility and aftermath of a divorce that she didn’t create, mind you, on the stepmother and say, “now you deal with it and you better do it all with a smile. There’s no wonder that so many stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants and anxiety medication. And we wonder why so many are just angry all the time.

Hopefully, with stepmoms like Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster, and myself included,  speaking out and encouraging other stepmothers to do the same, things will slowly but surely begin to change. Stepmothers should feel free to say NO, just as we encourage mothers to do, without guilt or fear of being labeled as wicked. It must be understood that these women feel overwhelmed as well. It must be understood that unrealistic demands should not be placed on them. It must be understood, by husbands, that they need YOU to step up and be the partner that they married. It must be understood that these are women with feelings, and although they may not have directly experienced the divorce with you, they often times have to deal with the aftermath, and they need some support and understanding, too! They deserve to have a voice and a right to be heard in the stepfamily.

Stepmothers, I am once again encouraging you to aim for balance in your stepfamily life. You do not have to be everything to everyone, heal everyone’s pain and/or be everyone’s punching bag in order to be a good stepmother. You shouldn’t be expected or allow yourself to sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of everyone else’s. Below are ways in which you can protect your sanity and still be a good stepmother.

1. Learn to say NO! If it’s your husband’s weekend to have his kids, but you both know he’s going to be at work all weekend, it’s okay to express that you need a break and would like for your husband to choose another weekend. His ex-wife should understand that the primary reason for establishing visitation is so that they kids can spend time with their dad and not you. You are not bound by the visitation order, so if you need a moment, request it and then take it – WITHOUT GUILT!
2. Create a co-parenting plan with your husband regarding household rules and consequences, which you both agree on, and then stick to it. Children shouldn’t be allowed to use the divorce as a lifelong crutch. Allowing them to avoid rules and responsibility because YOU feel guilty as a parent is not parenting and only creates more problems for the child and the stepfamily.  Co-parenting plans help avoid conflict with the kids and your husband regarding discipline, and help you and your spouse create and present a more unified front. It also helps to re-create some normalcy in their lives again.
3. Constantly work on building and maintaining couple strength. Schedule date nights with your husband. Marriage is work and you have to work hard at remaining connected, especially in the stepfamily. During these times, make it a rule that you will not discuss ex-spouses, kids, stepkids or drama. Date night is a DRAMA FREE ZONE!
4. Learn to let some things go. Remember that you don’t have to be involved in every single aspect of your stepchildren’s lives.  For example, it’s okay to let mom and dad attend the parent teacher conference. It really isn’t necessary for you to be there. Instead of seeing it as some sort of slap in the face because you help with homework, too, use this time to either have some alone time with your own children or get your nails done, if you don’t have any children of your own.
5. Accept the fact that you don’t need to be perfect. You’ll be surprised at how relieved you feel when you have more realistic expectations of yourself than what is imposed on you by public opinion.
6. Realize and accept that you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PLEASE EVERYONE! Your primary focus should be on your immediate family. No matter what some say, you did not marry your husband, his kids AND his ex-wife, and suggesting this is only implying that it is your job to keep them ALL happy – NOT. You married your husband and you are the ones who have to build a solid team in order to raise your children and live happily ever after. If ex-wife doesn’t like it – TOUGH. There are two people in our marriage, not three or four. I’ve never seen a husband, wife and ex-wife rocking on their front porch when they are 80 years old. Ex-spouses are co-parenting partners, but they are not and shouldn’t be allowed to be participants in your marriage.
7. Finally, if you feel you are depressed seek the help of a medical doctor and then call a stepfamily counselor to help get you back on track to getting some balance back in your life again. It’s okay to ask for help!

My mother always told me that how you start out in any relationship is often times how you’ll end up. If you allow someone to walk all over you from the very beginning then that will be their expectation of you. She has always encouraged me to set my own boundaries and expectations of myself and others. So stepmothers, don’t start off allowing your husband, his kids or the ex-wife to think that you are going to be their punching bag. Setting boundaries for yourself and others is not wicked. As a matter of fact, it’s encouraged and expected in order for everyone to have some sort of peace of mind. And if an ex-wife or a husband has a problem with it, they are the ones who need to be examined, not you! The stepfamily can work and thrive, but the adults have to first have the same goal and be supported in their roles, even the stepmother.

The Art of Civility in Today’s Modern Family

We all learned to play nice in Kindergarten….right?  In today’s modern family, the term “playing nice” can be non-existent.   Our relationships have a significant impact on our lives.  In other words, a part of life is what our relationships make it.  Civility in our relationships, whether that be with our husbands, wives or ex-spouses, encourages strength, which in turn helps us to be better parents, individuals and spouses.

You might be wondering how one might navigate through to an end result of civility despite all of the incivilities that blended/step family issues can promulgate?  My answer:  Clear communication.  There is great power in having honest and frank dialogue when issues arise within your direct unit (i.e., with your spouse when a situation arises with your stepchild; or with your ex-spouse when a situation with your child is reeling out of control). Open and honest communication helps between units (i.e., your family and your ex’s family) when sensitive situations arise that may need the attention of all family members (including step-parents).  However, be reminded that a like-minded attitude toward civility has to be on the agenda for all parties involved and accepting that someone else may not be willing to effectuate same is a hard pill to swallow, but one that is necessary.   At that point, all you can do is work on yourself and work on the issues that directly affect your unit.

For example, accepting and attempting to understand one another is a powerful tool.  Being mutually respectful and demonstrating equality to your spouse will strengthen your bond and allow you to open the floodgates of interpersonal communication.  When in the heat of an argument, instead of trying to solidify all of your points, open the door to exploring your spouse’s points of view as well, and when you have made a mistake, be humble and apologize.

The following are a few tips you might consider:

1.  Before speaking, consider the impact your words will have on others.
2.  Pause and take a moment to reflect before you allow your emotions to get the best of you.
3.  Be aware of your body language when you are trying to get your point across.  This is a huge pointer.
4.  Take responsibility for your own actions and words.
5.  Manage your reactions.
6.  Have realistic perspectives and expectations.
7.  Ask yourself questions before retreating to asking others.
8.  Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Each individual is different.  Being civil, despite our differences, can be a task in and of itself.  Whether it be in our personal love relationship, our friendships or our work environments, it is important that we admit and learn from our mistakes, strengthen our skills and talk about the differences that may be separating us on particular issues. Doing so will allow us to effectively bond, whether that be in our co-parenting relationships,  friendships,  marriages and  lives in general.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Preventing or Promoting Peace in Your Modern Family

Living in a nuclear/traditional family has its own ups, downs and issues.  So, one can only imagine that living in a modern/blended family will be challenging at best.  With that being said, I ask the question — Are you doing everything in your power to promote peace in your unit?  Or, are you preventing it?

The Proverbial Ex-Wife

With divorce comes a sense of loss.  Ex-wives often struggle with power, loyalty and control over issues involving their own emotions alongside having to deal with the loss their children are also facing.  In the beginning, the challenges they face are enormous.  At times, after the divorce, ex-wives find themselves not only overwhelmed due to issues like finance control, sharing the children at different locations, or suddenly being alone and raising children as a single parent (if she is awarded custody).  These emotions tend to intensify if her ex-spouse remarries and she then begins to mark her territory; expressing loudly her position that SHE is the mom.   These fears and real emotions can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration which in turn can get bottled up and present themselves in a way that prevents peace within her modern family.

The Proverbial Wife/Step-mom

Ah…the “new” wife!  You walk into a new marriage with instant children (if you have none of your own).  Sometimes, literally, you walk into the ex-wife’s old home, you sit on her furniture and you stare at her old 4 walls.  You have great expectations of going into your new life with hopes that your step-children will adore you and his ex-wife won’t have any reason to not appreciate you and your presence because you can get along with anyone, so why should your husband’s ex-wife be any different? — WRONG!  “New” wives often make the mistake of expecting too much too soon.  They step in and try to “be all and do all” for everyone with the expectation that everyone must feel the same way you do.  The proverbial new step-mom sometimes even pushes herself upon her step-children and into their lives full force.  At times, she even intervenes with problems that only her husband and his ex-wife should handle.  She expects the ex-wife to accept her but does not understand that this is an unrealistic approach and it doesn’t work.  Therefore, she then decides to stake her territory and, at times, can become destructive when it comes to issues that may arise in her new modern family. She makes these issues about “her” instead of consigning them to their rightful owner (i.e., the children, the ex-wife or her husband), and by doing so, she prevents peace within her unit.

Blending a family and maintaining happiness within it gives new definition to the word “modern.”  It takes patience, consideration, a certain level of  trust, realistic expectations on both sides of the fence and parents who are committed to continue to provide a healthy and happy family environment for their children.  Does this mean everything will always be “hunky dorey” all of the time and new issues will never arise?  Absolutely not!  However, being proactive in providing the best environment for your children should be one of the first items on your priority list.  Promoting peace is essential, but in order to do so,  the wife/step-mom  have to be patient in their new roles.  Don’t jump in “gun ho.”  If you are an ex-wife, allow yourself to deal with any unresolved conflicts and emotions you may be holding on to, learn to move past them and let them go.   What about the man in the middle some of you might ask?  Well, that subject alone will be an article all to itself.

Granted, there are those families where one party will make the decision to avoid promoting peace at all costs.  If that is the case, continue to integrate your own peace, in your own home.  I will admit, the transition from divorce is one of the toughest issues I personally have ever dealt with as a former ex-wife.  As hard as I ever tried to avoid the pitfalls  many ex-wives face, I still made my share of mistakes.  Now, in another chapter of my life, being a wife/step-mom, I had to explore a whole new facet of life altogether.  I have learned that I can do my part in promoting peace by doing my personal best to make a great impression on my step-daughter and my children.  How you promote or prevent peace, and what you accomplish during the process, is very important and will either have a negative or positive effect on your modern family.  Which one will you choose?

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Life After Divorce

There is no easy answer to divorce.  Every family that experiences divorce experiences pain, grief, anger, fear, guilt and especially feelings of sheer sadness.

If you have suddenly been confronted with single parenthood as a result of a divorce, it is a crucial time for you to realize that you must accept change as best you can and move toward revitalization of you and your children’s lives.  However, that is always easier said than done.  An important factor to look for and to seek out during this crucial time is a good support system.  An example can be your church pastor or group, a private professional counselor trained to handle these issues, a good friend or even members of your own family.  You will need help getting acclimated to your new position and, at times, this can be relatively hard to handle alone while you are going through all the emotional changes divorce can bring.

Another important factor to apply is positivity.  Being positive will help during challenging times.  Again, you might say, “easier said than done.”  I agree.  However, focusing on the negative aspects of your situation gets you where?  Exactly….. absolutely no where!  Not to mention, constant negativity makes a child’s transition in divorce ten times as hard to trudge through.  First, they have to deal with what some have compared to a “death” blow to their entire existence with their parents divorcing so in fact, negativity (i.e., involving them in grown folks business or disparagement of your ex-spouse, etc.) during this time only causes them further pain.

If you are in a new remarriage and trying to reinvent and reinvigorate your family, it is so important to communicate with your children about the changes taking place in their lives.  Children are smart and know when things have gone awry in their lives.  They are still in a very fragile acceptance mode with a new remarriage and need stability and lots of care.  Predictability fosters security for children.  Not allowing their whole life to change because of your divorce is crucial.  Keep some sense of normalcy.  Keep them in the same activities, if you can.  Communicate with them about their feelings and the changes taking place around them.  By doing so, you are teaching them how to handle adversity and protecting and preparing them for further changes that may arise in the future.  We often think that if we alter our children’s reality that we are saving them from hurt and pain.  As I said above, children are very intuitive human beings. Not only that, but “protecting” them from reality is not properly preparing them for life.

As I mentioned above, the main component and most integral part of reinvigorating your family is support.  Co-parenting first and supporting your children together will help them accept the changes being made in a “positive” way.  As we often state here at Today’s Modern Family, there are never “ex-parents” only “ex-spouses.”  Another key component is committing to co-parenting with your ex-spouse on a healthy level so as to not interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent.  In other words, the drama between the two of you shouldn’t have to be your child’s drama nor should he/she have to carry that load on their shoulders.  They want to love both parents and have the right to do so.  Again, this is where being positive plays a major role.  In other words, being good co-parents makes the road your children will have to travel a little less bumpy.

If you are living in a new step-family or are about to embark on the path of step-parenthood, keep in mind that your expectations must be in line with the reality of your new position and situation.  The children involved do not have to fall in love with you right away and probably won’t.  On the other hand, the same holds true for you and you are not a bad step-parent if you don’t love your step-child right away.  That relationship will build over time.  If you are a bio-parent, allow your child the opportunity to learn about his/her step-parent on their own terms.  Do not compete.  Do not force your opinions on your children.  Doing so,  will allow you to open the door for your children to make his/her own choices and form their own individual opinions.  That is what you would teach them otherwise if you were still married and in your nuclear family and what you would want in return from your ex-spouse, correct?  Your choices will have a direct effect on the positive or negative energy that your child brings into their new found life as a stepchild.

Children need to feel that they are a part of each of their parents and that means their parents’ families.  Accepting that your own feelings and views about your ex-spouse  or his/her new partner are just that…YOUR feelings and views.  Not forcing them and making them issues for your children only benefit them.  It allows them the freedom of expressing their own feelings and emotions, and allows them to feel validated.

By nurturing not only your children but yourself as well, during this time, you will be setting a clear example of what it means to effectively co-parent and to reinvent and reinvigorate your new life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Overwhelmed and Disconnected in a Tough Economy

Today, trying to cultivate a balance between home and work life can be severely stressful. The effects of being overwhelmed and stressed can directly affect the relationship you have with your husband or wife, leaving both of you feeling disconnected. Of course, with the hard economic times currently affecting not just the United States, but every country in the world at this time, these feelings of disconnection become even more extreme with the added pressures of money stress.

The majority of women in the daily workforce in this country are overwhelmed, overworked and extremely disconnected, especially with themselves. They leave their homes to work 8 hours or more daily, come back home to shuffle the children to and from their activities, cook, clean, help with homework, etc., only to start all over again the next day. With this, they leave themselves little or no time for themselves or their spouses. “Exhausted and overwhelmed,” can’t fully explain what some women and men are dealing with during these hard times and I have to admit, I’ve been there, done that myself.

Unfortunately, overwork has also been proven to exacerbate our ongoing health conditions both mentally, physically and emotionally as well. Overwork has been linked to anxiety, depression and many other chronic stress-related disorders. It causes physical pain as well.

Of course, behind all of this is the disconnection with your spouse that can be directly related to this “overworked” syndrome. You give your all to your job during the day, you come home to another 4-6 hours of domestic work including caring for your children and your spouse gets the rest of you. What’s left of you that is – which at times, for your spouse, can seem like and feel like nothing. Women aren’t the only ones affected by being overworked. Due to our challenging economic times today, husbands are working two jobs and sometimes three job and overtime just to make ends meet; finding themselves also becoming disconnected with their wives and family. However, trying to reassess our situations is not easy when there are bills that need to be paid. Finding ways to balance our lives and putting our priorities in order is crucial. Here are a few ways you can achieve balance in order to avoid becoming disconnected:

• Don’t overschedule yourself. If the children’s activities are becoming too much for you to handle, limit each child to one activity outside of the home per week.
• Take some scheduled “time-out” space just for yourself.  Even if it means heading to the nearest Starbucks for an hour or two of reading or to the nearest public library for some quiet time.  Taking care of yourself, first, is crucial to your individual happiness.
• Romance your spouse. You don’t have to go out of the home to do this. Send the children to a babysitter or relative’s house for a couple of hours and have your own special time. Cook a simple dinner, eat together, spend quality time together.
• Work as a team. Do not allow outside influences and stresses to pull you apart. Daily stresses can put enormous pressure on your relationship with your spouse, pick your battles and let go of pettiness.
• Communicate daily. Make a special effort to have good conversation with your spouse.
• Eat meals together. Absorb one another’s wisdom. Showing keen interest in one another and your daily routines will bring you closer
• Laugh together as much as you can. Laughter is good for the soul and for your marriage.

And most importantly,

• PRAY TOGETHER. As the old saying goes. A family that prays together, stays together!

Sustaining a connection with your spouse should be the rule instead of the exception during tough times.  Obtaining this takes a commitment to be individually connected to ourselves, happy and healthy emotionally, physically and mentally as well. The end result will be that the both of you will be collectively committed to one another no matter what the future beholds you.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmother Bill of Rights

I recently read an interesting post about a stepmother’s bill or rights on Becoming a Stepmom. Apparently there have been some interesting discussions floating around on the net about whether or not it is dangerous to stepfamilies. Below is one version of the bill of rights and my perspective on each.

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

I agree with this one and don’t think it’s unreasonable for a married woman to want to be part of the decision-making process in her marriage and family at all times. I thought that’s how a married couple was supposed to operate. I think some people have a problem with this particular “right” because they assume that stepmothers mean that they should be involved in picking the school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc.for their stepchild. This is not what this “right” is saying. Stepmothers aren’t demanding control here, they are asking to be included on the decisions that directly affect them and their marriage as a whole and their husbands should include them on matters that will affect their marriage and family.

2. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

Similar to the one above, this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Again, stepmothers aren’t asking to be included on choosing schools, dentists, doctors or signing their stepchildren up for extra curricular activities. I think all this falls under the heading of “common sense.” We know that we don’t need to be consulted on those types of things and don’t expect to be, IF the decisions don’t affect us. It’s when you sign them up and then notify the stepmother that she is the one who will be taking him every week that’s the problem. You can’t make plans for someone else’s life. My biological parents were married nearly 30 years before my dad passed away and neither of them ever signed us up for activities and then told the other (without checking their schedules) that he or she would be the one taking him. It’s called common courtesy and isn’t unreasonable to expect, even for a stepmother.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

This is another one that I find very difficult to understand why certain people don’t get it. Some have said that stepmothers should just accept that they won’t be involved in discipline because it should be left up to mom and dad and/or the children just won’t accept it.  Personally, I don’t think CHILDREN should have a say in this matter. If you do something wrong and you’re in the care of an adult, that adult should have the right to discipline you. If the children are with grandma, do you tell her that she can’t discipline them when they misbehave? What about at school? When they do something wrong at school, do you expect the school not to implement some form of discipline because it should be left up to the biological parents? If your answer to either of those questions is no, then tell me, why should that be any different for stepmom? If the children are under her supervision, she should be allowed to set agreed upon limits for and discipline them. The fact that the kids won’t always listen has nothing to do with my right, as an adult, to impart discipline on them. Heck, sometimes my biological kid doesn’t listen and/or readily accept discipline, but that doesn’t stop me from disciplining him.

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

This one all depends on the circumstances. Dad has an obligation to care for his children and stepmom cannot and should not dictate if his children can come live in his home or not, UNLESS that child has been violent towards her or any other children in the home. At that point, the stepmother should definitely be consulted and part of the reunification process as well.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
This one I can agree with!

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

I think this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Stepmothers aren’t telling their husbands not to pay child support. We know that there are agreements that were made and must be adhered to, before we came along. Not to mention that a father should take care of his children, no matter where they reside and I wouldn’t expect anything less from my husband. However, there are times when ex-wives often want above and beyond what has been court ordered, and if it falls outside of the court-ordered amount which has already been budgeted and agreed upon, then yes, husband should consult with stepmom (his wife). As an ex, there have been times when I’ve called my ex and expressed that I needed some extra money for our son and I never got offended when he said he had to talk it over with his wife first to see what and/or if they could afford it. I think it is a fantasy for ex-wives to assume that they will forever be the ONLY partner in these types of decisions that involve their children once their ex-spouse remarries.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

I agree with this one. It all falls under the issue of respect, but kids, whether biological or step, don’t always listen and follow rules. It has nothing to do with them being your stepchildren and everything to do with them just being children.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.

This one is another one that is often misinterpreted. It has nothing to do with instantly feeling like family and more to do with some of the points mentioned above; such as consulting stepmoms on certain decision, allowing them to be involved in discipline when the children are in their care and so on.  Not doing those things is what makes stepmoms feel like outsiders. It’s not the fact that their husband’s kids prefer them and go to him with or ask him everything. Again, growing up in my biological family, I sometimes had a preference for one parent over the other, and they were both my biological parents. Personally, I’ve never felt like an outsider in my home. I actually enjoy the times that both my bio son and stepson prefer to be with my husband. It is at those times that I get a the opportunity to have some “me” time. I think most stepmothers feel like outsiders for other reasons.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

I totally agree with this one! Respect is one of our household rules.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

This one makes me want to pull my hair out because people don’t get it. I’ve heard everything from, “children are a priority too” or “you can’t neglect the kids” or “isn’t that selfish?” I’m a little taken aback with people always telling stepmothers what they already know. We know that kids are a priority too! We know that it’s not the marriage or the kids, it’s marriage and kids. We don’t neglect our children just because we expect our marriage to be a priority. A marriage will not last unless it’s the first priority. The husband and wife are the pillars of the family. They are responsible for setting the foundation for how the family will run. If they don’t blend and aren’t on the same page, then the family won’t make it, be it biological or step. If they aren’t happy in their partnership and as a couple, then the family won’t be happy as a whole.  And again, it doesn’t matter if the family is biological or step.

Making your marriage a priority means that you realize that your spouse is your life partner. Make time for him or her instead of always focusing on the drama with your past marriage. Include him or her in decisions that will directly affect him or you. There shouldn’t always be a battle between your kids and/or your ex-spouse and your spouse. I always say that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner and should always be treated as such. This is what stepmoms mean by not wanting to feel like outsiders in their home and wanting their marriages to be a priority.  These are common sense things that should apply to any marriage. It doesn’t mean that stepmoms are victims, they want their husbands to just do away with all their responsibilities as fathers or they desire some unreasonable amount of control. It means that stepmoms desire to be treated like wives and life partners. Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

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