Stepparent Standards

Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments.  It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken.  I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond.  Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject?  Sure.  Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me?  Probably.  However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great.  She is one of the most important people in my life.  She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her.  At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role. 

Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family.  Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is.  One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren.  We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated.  If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP!  Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr.  Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds.  Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.

Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad”  and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family.  This idea is totally unrealistic.  Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time.   Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives.  They don’t need extra baggage.

Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far.  For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance.  You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife.  I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent. 

Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning.  Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children.  For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex.  Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children.  This only adds fuel to an already grieving child.  Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse.  What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse.  This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent.  Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them.  If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent. 

As I always like to state, children live what they learn.  If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that.  Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmom by Reader Bella Braden

I married for the first time in my late 40′s. In addition to acquiring a husband I also inherited a 5 year old stepson named Joshua.

Before I married his father I spent a lot of time getting to know Josh. One day while we were playing legos I announced that I would have to stop playing soon so I could spend some time with his dad. Josh stopped dead in his tracks and looked up at me with his naïve and annoyed little face and said

“Why would you want to play with my dad? He’s just a parent!”

Huuummm, interesting point I thought, and so I stayed a while longer and built an addition onto my lego garage.

When Joshua came to my house for the first time a few weeks later, he kept wondering around, opening closet doors and intently looking into all the rooms of my home. Finally, he wandered back into the living room and asked me where my parents were. I told him I didn’t live with my parents anymore and that I lived by myself. His eyes grew big and he gasped,

“You mean you take care of yourself? You’re just a kid!”

“Yep I take care of myself,” I replied.

And so Joshua and I quickly became fast friends and partners in crime and I fell just as hard for him as I did with his dad, and a year later we became a family. Now, while most of my friends are packing up the last of their grown children and moving them out of the house, I am leaping off the back deck with my super hero cape on, and playing soccer, and running like the wind, and petting the fur on caterpillars backs and learning to love and nurture the family of pet rodents and albino frogs that live in our home. And after I have tucked the young lad in at night and I am icing down my knees from a long fun day of jumping and running and playing, I think how fortunate I am to have finally discovered the fountain of youth, not in a magic little pill but in a sweet, inquisitive, rambunctious little boy.

Cc: Bella Braden

The Challenging Role of Stepdad

Being a step-parent takes perseverance.   The stepdad experience can be challenging, and at the same time, rewarding for some men.  For those going through the challenging times, I hope that this article will provide you some tools that you can use to get you through this time.

Some adult children of divorce that I have spoken to have said that the fact that their stepdads did “not” have to stay in their lives or to necessarily “be” a father to them, but they did anyway, spoke volumes to them and to their self-esteem once they were able to get past the “juvenile” issues that most children of divorce experience.  If their biological father was still alive  and didn’t make much of an effort to “father” them and their stepfather did, they felt like as children, they idolized the person who was absent because it was easy to fault the parents who were making them obey the rules, do their homework and clean their rooms; basically the person who helped to provide them structure.  However, it wasn’t until their late teens, early twenties that they realized what the title, “father” really meant and for several of them, that meant their “stepfather.”

One of the pitfalls that some stepdads face is the mere fact that their wives only want them to parent when there are good times.  When bad or challenging times hit, some of the complaints I hear from stepdads is that  they are not allowed to be a parent.  However, as Kela and I have often discussed in prior posts, being a reinforcement for the biological parents at all times, including when the bio parents aren’t available is key.  Children need and want structure and discipline.  Structure and discipline equals love.

Recently, I read a great article written by Ron Deal (Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies) called The Effective Stepfather:  A Checklist to Live By.  In his article, Mr. Deal states that “Stepfathering can be challenging.  Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities.  The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.”

Some of the struggles stepdads face are all too common.  For example, a great number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting their stepfather and will often defy his decisions and cause all kinds of chaos and frustration within the blended family.  Another example of struggles stepdads face is the expectation process with their stepchildren.  Often times, men come into the stepfather relationship expecting that their stepchildren will automatically respect them and hold them in high regard.  For the children involved, they have to immediately take heed that you are in their life whether they like it or not;  however, what we as parents fail to realize is that we chose to get a divorce and to remarry, our children did not.  The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding.

Here are a few tips from Mr. Deal’s checklist to focus on in your journey:

• Initially Provide Indirect Leadership.  There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships:  1) positional power and 2) relational power.  Initially, you have positional power (because of being the male head of household) but later comes the relational power (the ability to form a relationship).  Take your time.
• Express Your Commitment.  Articulate your commitment to your wife but keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren.  In fact, they may be threatened by it.  Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.
• Communicate Your Role.  It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role in the beginning.  Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place.  Tell your stepchildren you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for them.
• Be Approachable.  Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you.  In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for the child’s heartache).
• Manage Stress and Your Anger.  Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do).  But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents.  When stress and conflict arise (and they will) make sure you manage yourself well.

As Mr. Deal so eloquently states, and I agree, “Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk.  Give them every reason to believe it is.”

To me, the above statement holds true for both stepfathers and stepmothers.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

A Step-parent’s Role

One of the best books that I have read is “The Courage to be a Stepmom” by Sue Patton Theole. I have read through the chapters so many times, the bind is worn and the pages are all marked up. Ms. Theole’s book teaches us how to find our place without losing ourselves as stepparents.

Are you a step-parent that wonders what exactly your role is in your step-child’s life? It is a given that there is no replacing a child’s biological parent unless of course there are extenuating circumstances. Albeit, endearing yourself to your step-children takes time and lots of patience. While some stepparents find their experience easy and extremely rewarding, for others, step-parenting is not exactly a walk in the park. A lot of the time, a step-parent feels like a substitute teacher – and we all know how we treated our substitute teachers at times.

Stepfathers often get a bad rap from their stepchildren because they are the new head of household in the daily lives of the children and the children resent him when he sets or takes the position of authority in their daily routine. On the other hand, stepmother’s have the most under-appreciated role altogether. The word “mother” is a holy word in our vocabulary. It is sacred. Therefore, it is hard for a stepmom to be appreciated by her stepchildren (due to loyalty binds) and definitely by the ex-wife even though in the absence of the ex-wife, the stepmom is usually the primary caretaker of her children.

Just as every parent makes mistakes rearing their children, step-parents are not exempt. Luckily, the mistakes that are made during the process frequently become the best learning experiences. It is our ability to make right those mistakes with our stepchildren and children for that matter, to apologize when our mistakes are not constructive to their needs, and to learn from them so that history doesn’t repeat itself.

With that being said, with your role as a step-parent during the first years of your marriage or remarriage, you should allow your step-children to make the invitation to you with regard to your relationship with them. Don’t force yourself upon them. Trying to be too much too soon to your stepchildren can often have the opposite effect you are trying to create. It may turn them off completely from you. Of course, you should always do what is normal for all parents (i.e., readily engaging them in conversation when they are with you, including them in your family activities, showing interest in their school work and activities, etc.). Allowing your stepchildren to cultivate their own impression and view of you and your relationship first, is crucial. As I have said in previous posts, titles mean nothing, relationships mean everything. Of course, once the relationship blossoms, it is your job to nurture it. Remember, your stepchildren are just that, children. Keep in mind that there may be times when your stepchild’s view might possibly become tainted by one of their parents (especially if there are issues within your blended family) but if you stay consistent with your relationship with them and continue to provide honest and open communication with them, then you have done your part. However, sometimes as stepparents, we have to purposely step aside, not from our spouses, but from whatever issue (i.e., our stepchildren themselves or the situation with the bio parent) is causing us and our stepchildren discomfort. This is called stepping out of the middle.

As the stepparent, you have to enforce the rules of your house at all times. Never allow your step-children (or children for that matter) to push the limits in your household. If there are rules that you simply cannot live without, as Ms. Theole says, it is perfectly fine for you to go to bat for it. Chances are, everyone can conform. They may balk at first, but they will get over it.

Women, more so than men, view connections between people more emotionally. We tend to get “fully invested” before we are “fully-vested” in the eyes of our step-children because we thrive on family, trust, love and compassion. We also get hurt more easily, especially when we don’t have realistic expectations. On the other hand, men tend to “step out” emotionally and forget at times that their stepchildren need to feel that they care about them. Men generally think actions speak for them all of the time (i.e., going to work every day, etc.). Men, your stepchildren need to be showed and told that they are loved with words. If you have stepchildren that you just don’t think you will ever connect with, I encourage you to view each one of them as a surprise special present. When we get a special, surprise gift, we become excited about what is in store for us. Viewing your stepchildren the same way will allow you to value the happy times and get through the bad times.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

A Beautiful Blend by Julia Rutland

There has been much more open ongoing dialogue regarding race, race relations, and family lineage recently due to the election of our first African American President Barack Obama.  Yay!  I have read two separate articles this past weekend – one in Real Simple magazine and one in Wonder Time Magazine regarding parents of different races raising children either by adoption or interracial marriage. I wasn’t impressed with either article, and I was trying to figure out why.

I know this is a touchy subject but one I feel very strongly about and one I am exceptionally close to.  My husband happens to be African American as was my ex-husband, I am Caucasian and my three girls are a beautiful mixture of all of us.  They got the best of us that’s for sure!  There is enough challenge within the blended family with relationships, ex’s, step-parents, etc. without throwing race into it, but we did and this is our life.  Besides the fact that my ex-husband and his wife and my husband and I are all good friends and raise our daughter together and spend holidays together and so on, we are all separate people with separate lives and opinions.  We each have dated people of our own races, of other races, cultures, and religions.  We just happened to fall in love with the people we did because we love them as people.  My husband is the most amazing father and that has nothing to do with his skin color. It has more to do with how he was raised by his family and his character.  In addition, we each have our own stories of prejudice against us in our lives for either being African American as the case withmy husband and ex-husband, or for me being married to an African-American.  You would think that in this day and age things would be so much more accepted and people are people and that’s it.  Well, that isn’t always the case and it’s sad.  Very very sad!

As I stated before, I have three gorgeous little girls who live in not only a blended family but in blended race households as well.  My oldest daughter is 11 and spends time with her dad and step-mom every Wednesday evening and every other weekend.  Her sisters are four years old and 1 year old and they like to spend time with my oldest daughter’s step-mom AND my ex-husband, too!  Some people think it’s odd and that is fine.  I feel that the more positive people you have around your children the better.  The little ones don’t know that some people don’t think it’s “okay” for them to love my ex-husband and his wife and I hope they never know that.  How terrible to tell children who to love just because of the families they were born into? My own husband likes knowing that his girls are taken care of and it just happens to be with my ex-husband and his wife sometimes.  I really hate to keep saying my ex-husband and his wife because they are really much more than that – they are a part of our extended family.  They are truly our family.

The relationships we share as husbands and wives and the relationships we share as parents to children don’t change because of race.  I have had my food thrown at me from drive-through windows because I was in an interracial marriage. I have had women stop me in the grocery store and take it upon themselves to let me know how I need to do my daughter’s hair. I have had numerous threats of bodily harm. I have had issues in regards to employment, and many other ridiculous things because of who I choose to love.  No, not choose to love but who God has blessed me with and sent for me to love and share my life with.  And this ridiculousness doesn’t come from one race – it comes from many.

I never want my children to have to choose a side in anything. I’ve been told that I’m not being realistic but I just refuse to think so.  My daughters should never have to choose between us as parents because we all try to be on the same page when it comes to parenting, and they shouldn’t have to choose a race because they are a perfect blend of each of their parents.  Society can be cruel and I am trying to brace them for that.  If they have a strong foundation at home first, then society won’t be able to hurt them as much and that’s what I am counting on.  You can’t fully prepare your children for every single struggle in life but you teach them how to deal with situations that may arise.  Every problem may not have a solution but teaching them how to work through adversity is key.

We, as parents, my husband, ex-husband and his wife, are of mixed races and blended families ourselves.  We are teaching our children from experience and from real life lessons.  How can that be wrong?  In the end, it is my greatest hope that my daughters grow up to be good people.  Period.  If we have raised intelligent, beautiful, strong, young women, who positively contribute to our society then our job has been done; no matter what our race.

Creating a Family Friendly Recreation Room

Redecorating a family recreation room to accomodate a blended family may seem like a daunting task, but it doesn’t have to be. Family recreation rooms, also known as bonus rooms and game rooms, can be a great place for the family to hang out. The way the room is decorated will depend on the way the family plans to use the room. The most important thing is to create a space that the entire family will enjoy.

1. First, sit down as a family and decide what the space will be used for. Let everyone get involved in this process and give ideas. You are a family so it is important for everyone to enjoy this room. Decide what activities will take place in this room. Defining the space will make it easier to decorate the room.
2. Now that you have sat down as a family and decided what the room will be used for, you will need to create zones for each activity. For example, if you want a place to curl up with a good book, a comfortable chair placed in a corner may be ideal. Just make sure to include adequate lighting, if you do set up a reading zone. If watching television and playing games is the purpose of this room, you will need to set up zones for those activities as well. You may want to consider an entertainment center with lots of storage. The storage areas can house movies, games, CD’s and many other items.
3. The next thing you want to do is create a budget of how much you want to spend on updating the space. There are plenty of ways to decorate on a budget. Get creative. Don’t be afraid to update the old using something as simple as a can of spray paint. Let the family show their creativity as well.
4. It is now time to decide what furniture and accessories will be needed for the space. Do you already have the necessary pieces? Do you need to shop for additional pieces? Can you pull the items from other rooms? These are just some of the questions you should ask yourself. Look in decorating magazines to get ideas for furniture and accessories. If you need to buy new furniture for the room, it doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Buy multifunctional items, such as ottomans that double as a coffee table, seating and storage. There are many discount stores such as Target, Wal-Mart, TJ Maxx and Marshalls that sell furniture and accessories at discounted prices. You can also check your local newspaper classifieds, Craigslist and yard sales for used items. Clip coupons and check you weekly sales ads…shop around. Make sure to stock up on decorative baskets and boxes to store items such as books, CD’s and movies.

You don’t have to feel overwhelmed or be a professional to pull this task off. Enjoy yourself and remember to do this as a family. You and your blended family will be creating a space that the whole family will love. Lastly, make sure you keep the room organized! Be sure that everything has its’ own space. See to it that the family makes it a habit of returning items to their designated places. Nothing creates chaos in a home worse than clutter and disorganization!

Happy Decorating!!

Tia Spaulding, ASP

Owner of Creative Interiors and Home Staging

www.creativeinteriorsandhomestaging.com

What Should I Do? I need my BFSO Advisory Board!

I have an issue that I’d like to reach out to the BFSO Advisory Board (that’s you readers, by the way) for advice on. It’s about my ex and his relationship with our son. Most of you know, by reading the blog, that my ex is an overseas basketball player and has been since I was pregnant with our son. As such, he’s been living out of the country ever since our son was born and he’s now 11. As a result, they pretty much don’t have a meaningful relationship. My ex wants to change that and so do I, but we clash on how to do so. He is only in the states about 8 weeks, maybe a little more on occasion, out of the entire year and has been since I was pregnant. Therefore, my son has never had the opportunity to develop a meaningful bond with him. It took my son a long while before he actually wanted to go over to their house, without being forced.  Over the past few years, however, it has gotten better; especially since his wife and son stay behind while he goes to Spain to play basketball. It has allowed my son to spend more time in his second home, with his second mom and little brother. Now, he loves to spend as much time with them [his second mom and brother] as he can, and I certainly don’t mind. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are both very happy that he asks to go over every weekend, holiday or whenever he has a break from school. It confirms that his second mom really makes him feel at home when he’s there.  I thank God for that…what a relief! The problems occur when my ex returns for his 8 week visit. My son almost instantly withdraws and doesn’t want to go over.  Last summer, he even said, “I’ll just wait until dad leaves before I go over there again.” When I asked him why he said that he just didn’t feel comfortable when his dad was there. He said that he’d like for him (his dad) to get to know him better.

Let me explain…my son is a highly intelligent, straight A student. He started booting up the computer (on his own) and playing educational games at age 18 months, putting together 100 piece puzzles before age 2 and reading, fluently, by age 3. He’s our brainiac who loves anything having to do with science. Some of our conversations are even over my head! Additionally, he’s the sweetest, most kind-hearted, compassionate, wise individual (not kid, but person) that you’d ever meet. Most people (his teachers, friends’ parents, etc) literally compare him to Ghandi. His bio-dad, on the other hand, is a jock. He’s the professional basketball player, who like most (I don’t mean to stereotype, but it’s true) are self-absorbed individuals, who think that world starts and stops around their schedule because they play basketball. Are you starting to see how the two completely clash??

With that said, I can really tell, especially since my ex is getting older and finally growing up, that he desires a more meaningful relationship with our son. But, he wants our son to do so on his terms. He thinks that by forcing him to stay the entire summer (the 8 weeks that he’s here) that their relationship will automatically improve. I told him that forcing him would potentially do more harm than good. By the time my son gets over the shock of being forced to stay in an environment that he’s not comfortable in, it’s time for the ex to skip town again, for a year, and they get to do it all over again the next summer. I explained to him that forcing him to be with him will not do any good until he decides to stay put for more than 8 weeks in the summer. Additionally, being a parent is much more than just having him in the house with you. You have to spend time with him and even do things that he wants to do at times.  And, because you’ve never had an opportunity to bond, alone time is essential as well.  My ex just doesn’t get it at this point. I will say, however, that I can really tell that he’s making a concerted effort to understand where I’m coming from. I’m so happy that although we don’t agree on everything or even always understand each other’s points of view, we both talk about it like adults and then attempt to work out an optimal solution. And, at the end of the day, we both really want what’s best for our son. What a blessing to have finally arrived at this point!

My question for the BFSO Advisory Board is, should I force my son to stay the 8 weeks in the summer, if he doesn’t want to? Legally, I am not obligated to do so because the judge ordered that he give 60 days notice prior to arriving in the states, which he has never done because he said that he just can’t. However, I’m always flexible with the parenting time schedule and allow my son to see his dad and/or second mom as much as he wants. My thoughts are that if dad were doing everything that he was supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to force him. I’ve told him to call regularly, not just from time to time. Use email to communicate with him on a regular basis. I even suggested a webcam for more frequent contact. But, he’s acted on none of my suggestions. Why should I be flexible and bend over backwards to achieve this goal [my son spending more time with him], and why should my son be forced to be uncomfortable, if dad can’t hold up his end of the bargain? Whether it be because he can’t or isn’t willing? What do you readers think?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year to all of the BFSO readers and your families! Let’s all thank God for carrying us through 2008. I certainly know that I could not have made it without Him!

We wish you happiness, good health, prosperity and peace in the upcoming year. A new year means a fresh start, and I hope that all of you take advantage of this fresh start. It’s a chance to do things differently; whether it be bury hatchets, react differently or simply decide to choose peace in the midst of your current circumstances. Remember, all of our feelings and beliefs are truly based on our internal thoughts and conversations with ourselves. WE ARE IN CONTROL whether we know it or not. If you are feeling overwhelmed about any aspect of your blended family, the first step to changing your attitude is changing that inner conversation. 2009 is your fresh start!

Also in 2009, BFSO promises to bring you more insightful posts, guest bloggers in the areas of relationship coaching, family law, tips on how to teach all of my blended family wives how to keep it spicy (use your imagination) and much more. In 2009, we are focusing on the entire family; from how to keep it spicy in the bedroom, to how to decorate your favorite room. From how to deal with the ex-spouse in your life, to how to maintain peace in what some perceive as an insane existence. We want you to know that your blended families’ problems DO NOT define your families. The operative word in blended family is family, and in 2009 BFSO will show you how to keep the focus on your family!

Lastly,  I want to sincerely thank all of my readers! Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, which just started out as my way to vent my frustrations. I never expected it to be as helpful to others as it has been. Nor, did I ever expect to learn so much from all of you, too!

And so, let’s gear up for a fabulous 2009! No more looking back as the best is yet to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

From the Blended Family Soap Opera Family

Yours, Mine and Ours

Maintaining Your Blended Family Marriage

Did you know that the divorce rate among second marriages is higher than that among first marriages? One would assume that if a person has a second chance, he or she would be sure not to mess it up. However, there are some  second marriages that breakdown under financial strain; second marriages that are torn apart by children; and second marriages that never had a chance to begin with. Then, there are those that actually do survive and eventually thrive despite the chaotic world of the blended family.  These couples work through their communication issues in order to create a marriage that is more solid than their first.

In order for your second marriage to work I believe it’s essential to consider what went wrong in your first. Many times divorcees will get on their “high horse” by insisting that their marital problems were soley their ex’s fault. However, there is hardly a divorce where fault falls exclusively on one person. Because far more challenges will present themselves in your second marriage (children, unresolved feelings, bitter ex’s, etc.), it is necessary to examine your own mistakes in the past so that you are less likely to repeat them in the future.

Nurturing Your Second Marriage

It is so very important to nurture your second marriage!!! Often times remarried couples make themselves the LAST priority by putting the problems with their respective children, exes, finances…first. Remarried couples need to spend time nurturing and building their relationship together just as any “traditional” marriage, without children, would. Schedule date nights together, and take vacations without the children, sometimes. Take every moment that you can to remember and remind each other of why you fell in love in the first place. Remember, that when the children are grown and gone, and there are no more exes to fight with, you will be left with each other. You can not grow old with your children or problems with your former spouse. As such, you shouldn’t spend ALL of your time in these areas. Of course, you have to raise, love and nurture your children. And, you have to work on resolving your issues with your former spouse so that you can co-parent effectively. But, these areas can’t take priority over your marriage. Any good marriage needs to be nurtured and loved if it’s expected to survive. Besides, taking these actions will only benefit your children because you will be building a strong, stable, loving environment in the process.

My husband and I made the mistake of putting everything before our marriage, and honestly, it almost FAILED!! At several points in our relationship we were both ready to throw in the towel. The stress of both of our children not immediately adjusting (this is a unrealistic expectation that most remarried couples have) along with dealing with the exes, almost tore our marriage apart. All of our communication, and I mean literally ALL of it, centered around the kids, his ex or my ex. Naturally, it just wasn’t good for our relationship. We didn’t put as much effort or time into our relationship as we did those other things, and it showed. We realized this one day on a rare occasion when both of our children were gone. Not only did we not know what to do with ourselves, but we began talking about…problems with the children and/or the exes. It wasn’t until my husband said, “We spend way too much time talking about our problems, let’s talk about something else.” The only problem was that we literally did not know what else to talk about. At that point, we had our light bulb moment…ding, ding, ding…WE HAD BEEN SERIOUSLY NEGLECTING OUR MARRIAGE AND THAT’S WHY WE HAD BEEN HAVING SO MANY PROBLEMS, duh!! From then on, we decided to rediscover why we fell in the love in the first place. We scheduled date nights together, even if the kids were in the house. They were not allowed to bother us during our special time. We created a standing rule that we would only talk about our problems with the exes and children if absolutely necessary. We decided that WE are the king and queen of our household, and we would ALWAYS respect each other as such; even when it came to our respective exes. Once we set this foundation our communication issues were a lot smaller than they really were.

Finances

Second time newlyweds often bring their own financial resources and obligations into their second marriages; making finances a touchy subject in second marriages. Ideally, it is always best if the couple combines everything together instead of creating the definitive boundaries of yours, mine and ours. Once you do that, you begin to see everything as yours, mine and ours; your children vs. my children; your money vs. my money; I’ll pay for this for my children vs. you pay for this for your children, and we’ll pay for this for our children. As you can see, it becomes way too complicated. As such, it is always best if you view your newly made family as a whole instead of in parts. Having said that, when it comes to each child’s respective child support; that money should be earmarked for that child, alone. For example, we do not use M’s child support money on K. M’s child support money is for taking care of his needs. Just like M never uses K’s child support money. But, the money that my husband and I make is for taking care of everybody in our household. So, when we go on vacation I don’t only pay for my child and my husband only pays for his. It is the same when we go out to dinner or buy Christmas gifts, etc.

It is important to remember that whenever one marries or remarries he or she does so in entirety, not in parts. As such, whenever possible, the remarried couple should view themselves and their family as a single unit instead of divided. It should never be a yours, mine and ours…just ours; our marriage, our children, our money, our family.

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