Step-Parenting Teens

May 13, 2011 By 4 Comments

Stepparenting teens…..need I say more?

Readers, unfortunately, the reality is that adolescence is one of the most stressful times in the life of a teen.  While our teenagers can be sweet, charming, daunting and joyful, trudging through the adolescent years with your stepchild can prove to be like a grudge match between David and Goliath.  Although teens have many postitive attributes, they experience a myriad of mood swings due to hormone changes which causes them to turn on you at a moments notice, times of lethargy due to their ambivalent view of the world and the mere fact alone that they think they know everything is an understatement!   With all that being said, it isn’t a surprise that statistics prove that many remarriages fail due to the stress factors that teenagers bring, and spouses allow, into the marital relationship.

All of the above can cause any bio parent to feel as if they are at the end of their rope when dealing with adolscents.  Factor in the stepparent dynamic and you have all the makings of a full blown war on your hands.  As stepparents, we need to recognize that rebellion is a part of every teenand ever teen, whether they are in a stepfamily environment or not, will experience same.  Stepparents need also be aware that just because the “step” is equated with their family, it doesn’t mean that their stepchildren are unlike any other teen.  Stepparents, at times, tend to spend more time focusing on what is “wrong” with their stepchild instead of accepting that some of their issues may just be the mere fact that they are “teens.”  Step-teens do not want adversarial relationships with their stepparents anymore than the stepparents do. 

When I married my husband, my older two boys were 15 and 16.  One was very rebellious and reactive to every situation.  My husband had a hard time adjusting as did as my son.  I tried to explain to my husband that some of the issues were just due to “teen drama” but inevitably there was strain.  Teens need to feel that they can be free to think and to be individuals.  The teen years is where our children become self-reliant and when they are trying to establish their own identities.  Unfortunately, because of their immaturity, this is projected as reeling against your authority.  Granted, sometimes they are just being unruly and at times disrespectful (which should obviously be handled appropriately)  but it is good to keep in mind that our kids nowadays have a lot going on.  Peer pressure is irrevocable.  They feel as if they have to keep up with the ”Kardashian’s,” let alone being raised in the social network generation, their communication skills have gone awry.

Another important factor to weigh in on regarding parenting stepchildren who are teens is the fact that they would just plain rather forget about the custody issues and parental battles and issues between the grown-ups and spend time with their friends.  With that being said, having a relationship wth their stepparent is definitiely not the first thing on their minds.  Actually, distance between you and your stepteen may grow during this period more than any other time.  Don’t hold it against them.  Most likey, you do matter to them…they just don’t want to show you right now.   Showing feelings is not a high priority on a teen’s list of things to accomplish.  Parental love is crucial during this period in their lives and that parental love needs to come from all sides of the coin which includes stepparents.  Keep in mind that the stepfamily life is hard for a teen.  They are insecure about love (why shouldn’t they be…their parents divorced),their position in the family, loss of their first family and at the same time, they have to compete with you for their parents attention as well.

A few tips that may help you trudge through this time are as follows:

  1. Expectations.  Set clear, concise and age-appropriate expectations.  Teens are not mind-readers.  Being in the blended environment is confusing itself, shifting from home to home is also hard.  Let them know what you expect ahead of time.  Be aware that rules and expectations should always be open to change.  As children and teens grow, adjustments should be made accordingly.  Teens need positive and caring discipline.  Albeit there will be challenges with your expressing and their accepting your authority but is crucial that the stepparent and their respective spouse set these boundaries.  Remember, it’s easier for the stepteen to lash out at the stepparent as opposed to their bio parent.  In my opinion, a lot of the time, that is their way of coping with their feelings.
  2. Problem Solving.  Focus on the solutions and not always so much on the problems.  Teens have short attention spans.  Working together to solve problems with them will help them navigate and allow them to feel comfortable talking and communicating with you.  Talk about differences and how you can use your differences in positive ways.
  3. Your Role.  All stepparents need to define their roles, especially with teens.  The wife/husband role is an obvious one.  However, with a sensitive teen, it will help if you and your spouse explain to your stepteen that you are not a stumbling block for them but rather a direct extension of their absent parent and that you care about them in all aspects of their life.  It’s a tough balance but in my opinion worth the extra effort.
  4. Acceptance:  Stepfamilies are inherently different from nuclear/bio families.  There will be clashes from time to time due to different personalities, different value systems, etc.  It’s OK!  Once families comprehend and accept that it’s okay to be different, they can move on to a more cohesive unit.
  5. Attention.  Stepparents, I cannot reinforce the matter of “attention” enough.  Even if we feel shut out at times because we are not the bio parent, it is very important for you, as the adult, to take the lead and reach out to your stepchild(ren)/teen.   Taking your time to develop a relationship is important but so is making progress.  Once in a while, offer to spend some alone time with your stepteen (a movie, shopping or a sporting event).  Remember, even if you are rejected, children remember effort. 
  6. Family Meetings.  Setting up a monthly family meeting will do wonders for your struggling situation.  Take the opportunity at these meetings to have regular communication.  Listen to your stepteen and your children and allow their opinions to matter.    Ultimately, all people, but especially teens, want to know that their voices are being heard.  Let them get their frustrations and gripes out.  Then, find ways to effectively deal with them.

TMF Readers, remember, stepparents can play a very special role in the lives of their stepchildren/teens.  How you define your relationship will take careful consideration of feelings, love, love and more love, and most importantly…. time!  Do not have unrealistic expectations and remember, as time moves on, your role will become more evident.  Do your best to spend quality one on one time and let them get to know you as a person.  Take it slow and remember TMF Readers, you are only the wicked stepparent if you allow yourself to be. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Teens, Tweens: Teaching Them to Navigate the Real World

January 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I have to admit that I got the title of this post from reading my favorite magazine, Family Circle, wherein Rosalind Wiseman has the “Ask Rosalind” section.  Rosalind is not just an educator but also an author who works with kids, parents and schools on the very real issues of peer pressure, bullying prevention and media literacy.  Needless to say, she is my absolute favorite so I am going to piggy back on the information provided in the January 2011 issue because it has been on my mind for a while to post about same.

It seems in our fast-paced society of social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr… our children are growing up so fast.  In fact, some teens and even tweens are having sex earlier than in times past, smoking, drinking and leading lives that can end up being destructive.  Navigating the real world in this day and age is a daunting task and one that we, as parents, really need to focus more on in order to help them get there without going down the destructive path that some have decided is the only way to go.  In Rosalind’s article, she references two parents who learned that their 15 year old had sex with her boyfriend.  The parents grounded their daughter and forbid her to see him again.  I loved Rosalind’s advice.  She advised them to re-read Romeo and Juliet because that was the dynamic that they had just created.  She told them to face the fact  their response did not address the goals, which are to help their daughter develop into a sexually responsible adult and to have her boyfriend respect their values.  Rosalind is right.  With this situation, it is important that we have an open discussion with our child and try to step back and try to see their position.  By doing this, we only build a more trusting relationship with them.  We don’t have to condone the behavior but we need to realize that our reactions to these type of situations will control the way the whole conversation with our children will go and the lesson they take from it in general.  We have to remember that we cannot fall into the “out of touch” parent category because of how we were raised or because of how “things were” when we were younger.  Our children are living in a totally different world than we once lived in.  Now, obviously, I am aware that “taboo” teen sex has been going on, but in today’s world, we have to remember that it is almost expected even if we obviously don’t agree with it. 

I feel one of the most important things we can teach our tweens and teens is that we can trust them to have some independence but as Rosalind says, “freedom has its limits.”  Our tweens and teens need to know that they can rely on us and our responsibility to them is to teach them how.   We have to have open conversations with them about the dangers of STD’s and the dangers of too much social networking. We have to get them away from the television and out of the house to explore nature and we have to let them know how absolutely precious they are to us.

Listen parents, even though we are gauged to keep and try to protect our children from all harm, danger and even bad life decisions, they have to and will make these decisions sometimes whether we like them to or not.  Life happens when we aren’t around and that is something we have to accept.  However, by being loving, open and even by giving our children a little space to make the right choices, we give them so much more than just advice. We teach them how to make adjustments along the way.  Those adjustments  or as I like to call them “survival skills” will be what carries them through life.

To learn more about Rosalind’s work and programs, go to www.rosalindwiseman.com.  You won’t be disappointed!

Happy New Year,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

January 13, 2010 By 2 Comments

teengirl1Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360′s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3′s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

Share
Filed Under: Advisory Board, parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tweens/Teens and Sexting

December 11, 2009 By 1 Comment

textingIn March, 2009, USA Today reported that more than 2 dozen teens in more than 6 states were investigated on porn charges for sending nude pictures of themselves over their cell phones in this new phenomenon called “sexting.”  In April 2009, Good Morning America also reported that tweens as young as 12, who aren’t yet sexually active, are sending sexually explict, pornographic images to their peers.  The article went on to say that tweens too young to wear bras are posing topless or actually engaged in masturbation in these images.  These are frightening statistics. 

Sexting is a huge problem.  It has become the “cool” thing to do with tweens and teens.  One 14 year-old girl in the article when asked why she sent nude pictures of herself to a boy said “I felt like there was love that I never had…it really didn’t register in my mind what I was doing.”  Needless to say, after breaking up with the boy, her pictures mysteriously made their rounds through the school and another boy ended up with it and then forwarded it on to the girl’s mother.  When the girl asked the boy why he sent the picture out to others, his response was “you should have never broken up with me.”     

The issue of sexting has become so huge that people who forward pornographic images of minors are being prosecuted.  They should be! Moreover, today’s technology makes it easier and easier for these types of situations to occur.  Parents are having a much harder time controlling what their children put on the internet, what they participate in and what they see on not just the internet but on their cell phones as well.  More and more children have Facebook and Myspace pages and safety has become a huge issue for parents. I don’t care how much control one would argue that I have, I absolutely refuse to allow my 11 year old to have a Facebook, Myspace or any other social network  page.  When asked recently, my answer as you can imagine was “Absolutely NOT!”  But in today’s society, it is absolutely accepted.

The article gave some great tips from Cybersecurity Expert, Parry Aftab.  Here are 5 of them:

1.  Find your children’s profile.  Most children have more than one, but find them and scour their profiles online.   

2.  Tailor the profile to fit your child’s needs.  You can make sure no personal information is accessible..  According to Aftab, knowing why your child is online will help you guide them and to make sure they are not taking any unnecessary risks.

3.  Follow the 4 “P’s.”  Don’t let your child post anything that Parents, Principals, Predators or the Police shouldn’t see.   Everyone is looking and what you post on the internet stays forever.

4.  Snoop on your children.  You’re allowed to do that.  Look at their profiles and that of their friends.   Note from Diane:  I always say to my boys…”tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.”  They hate this saying, but I pound it into their heads and usually, they end up finding out that I am right. 

5.  Use privacy settings.  Make sure your children use the most restrictive privacy settings available.  Aftab also suggests that children 13 and younger should not be using social networking sites at all.  The sites are illegal for children of that age and are just plain too dangerous for them to be on. 

BINGO!  My sentiments exactly. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,