When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Wall Therapy

Check out these great options for your walls

1. Modern Wallpaper

Photo: www.burkedecor.com

Prints are back! But this isn’t your grandmother’s wallpaper. Fussy floral designs and passé paisley prints-definitely out. These days you can find some seriously cool patterned paper to adorn your walls. Used strategically, wallpaper is like the icing on the cake for any space that needs to be kicked up a notch. Like window treatments, wallpaper can really finish a room. Check out www.burkdecor.com for more styles. I love this one! It’s perfect for a hallway or a wall in a home office.

2. Stencils

Photo: http://www.etsy.com/listing/42930016/wall-stencil-anemone-grande-large-size

Wall stencils are a fresh alternative to framed wall art and a creative way to add an artistic flair to a drab space. You’ve seen them used in children’s rooms (think Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and the gang), but they’re not just for kids anymore. Check out some fun yet sophisticated options here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/CuttingEdgeStencils.

Another neat thing about stencils is that you can also use them to amp up your flooring!

3. Decals

Photo: www.ragingvinyl.com

How cool are wall decals?! With so many different designs to choose from, you’re sure to find one to suit your space. And because they peel off easily, you can change the look of your room on a whim without spending a lot of time or money.

4. Chalkboard Paint

Photo: www.remodelista.com

Mommy tip: Need to keep your children occupied while you’re washing dishes or cooking dinner? Paint a wall in your kitchen with chalkboard paint! Kids can write, draw and create where you can keep an eye on the little monsters. Easy to clean, it’s the perfect spot to leave fun messages or reminders for the family. It’s also a great place to hang the kids’ art work. Oh, and if you’re having a dinner party, try displaying your menu creatively on your handy kitchen chalkboard. ; )

Which one will you try?

Raynée Crowe, TMF’s primary modern home contributor, is an interior decorating consultant who ironically never considered herself creative, and then one day the ‘ol proverbial light bulb went off.  Her love for mixing and matching colors, patterns and decorating had manifested itself into daydreaming of color swatches, textiles and room arrangements.  That passion and excitement grew and soon it was pure enjoyment as she worked with friends and clients to select color pallets, accessories, furniture and arrange spaces.  Finally she understood the saying “if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life” and so in 2008 Color Vision LLC was born.  For more information, you can email Raynee at yourcolorvision@gmail.com.

For more great tips and ideas, check out her blog at www.yourcolorvision.wordpress.com.

Marriage Rules You Can Break

Today, I read a fabulous article on MSNBC.COM entitled “10 Marriage Rules You Can Break.”  I thought I would repost them and share them with our readers as they are informative and right on the money.  Enjoy.

Don’t go to bed angry

Trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”

Always Be 100% Honest

In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. “You don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW. The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

Never Vacation Without Each Other

The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. The danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.”

If you Fight, You’re Headed for Divorce

Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who never fight - assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict - are more likely to split.

Always Put the Kids First

Making your relationship top priority is better - not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship.

Never Sleep in Separate Beds

It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it.

Partners Should Sync Up Their Hobbies

Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests and find activities you both enjoy.

If There’s No Spark, You’re Doomed

“Many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and should seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love.

Boring is Bad

The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy.

You Should Have Sex With Your Partner to Make Him Happy

“Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Describe Your Ulitmate Mental Vacation and win an XM Satellite Radio!

Today’s Modern Family is giving away a brand new Sirius Sportster 5 XM Satellite Radio! All you have to do is read the Take a Mental Vacation to Avoid Stress post and then describe your ultimate mental vacation in the comments section of the post. The winner will be randomly chosen on April 1, 2010 at 8pm EST.

About the Sirius Sportster 5

Enjoy the best of XM Radio with over 130 channels, including commercial free music, plus sports, talk, comedy and more! Additional programming packages are also available to suit your needs.  There’s no better way to listen to radio than with a Sirius Sportster 5!

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