Does Marriage Equal Love?

June 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Have you ever heard someone say that marriage and love have nothing in common?  I recently overheard a conversation where that statement was made and I began to explore my own thoughts, the thoughts of some of my friends, and researched the topic.  I felt compelled to write this post in order to help our readers to motivate their marriage because I, undeniably, am a sucker for a fairy tale marriage. 

Some have said that marriage and love have nothing in common because they are actually at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Granted, some marriages are as a result of love but what about true love?  Is love really a result of the marriage itself or do you fall  in love after marriage?  I read somewhere once that marriage is actually an “insurance pact” and that it’s return on the investment are insignificantly small.

 I have to disagree.   Marriage and it’s return are 100-fold, and in my opinion, is much more than all of the above statements.  It’s me and my husband’s confidence in one another’s protection and passion, our bond and intense craving of each other, our vision, goals and ever so important, our friendship.  It’s mastering our grace together, our ability to teach our children what the “bond” of marriage means and having humility.

Of course, I am not living on cloud 9.  I know that the divorce rate in the United States and abroad is skyrocketing  and I am certainly aware that some marriages without love last years and years, but forging a solid marriage takes commitment.  Websters dictionary describes the word commitment as “together to bind, as by a promise; to make a pledge.  Marriage is hard work, and I believe, if love had nothing in common with marriage, this pledge in itself would be impossible.

I will even admit that my marriage takes a little extra work being I live in a blended family. We have been married for nearly 7 years, together off and on for 10 and we still struggle from time to time. It is my belief that every marriage experiences personal hurts, personality differences and challenges. But it is the extra effort that we put into it that breeds into our love and allows us to work through any issues that may arise. We focus on one anothers needs above our own. We talk, talk, talk. We view our marriage as long-term, always, even through the differences of opinion, through the pain when we are faced with a disagreement. We constantly remind ourselves of where we have been and the growth that has taken place in our marriage. Most importantly readers, we adjust our expectations of one another. No marriage is perfect, certainly not mine, but if we are committed to our spouses and our families, we make adjustments.

So, in answer to the question relative to this post…”Does marriage equal love?”  Marriage and love go hand-in-hand as long as there are two people who view their relationship as whole and who are willing to make the commitment because love isn’t enough.  You have to have commitment and all that it entails.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Shaping Loyalties = Sabatoging Trust

May 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

As Dr. Jeanette Lofas so eloquently uses as her tag line on her website, “Often stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide!”   At times, the word “collide” can feel like an understatement to a blended family struggling with loyalty conflicts.  Loyalty is often an emotional response to a particular situation that may be occurring with someone we love (i.e, our parents or children, etc.).  It’s a natural response….we show up for those we love….right?  Unfortunately, for children living in blended families, the issue of loyalty is a very difficult one.  Even more unfortunate is when parents and even some stepparents try to shape their children’s loyalties toward the other parent.   Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a child will face in their lives — often equated to a death.  It often has the ability to shape how they view their future adult lives if they are not given the right tools to use in order to trudge through same.  They have to learn to trust all over again.  Yes, parents, when we divorce, our children lose trust in us.  They feel betrayed by the two people they look to for their security and for their sense of self.  It is painful to feel betrayed and to feel as if you are betraying your children. 

When I meet with newly formed stepfamilies, one of the main issues I see is that step and bio parents tend to fall into the trap of trying to shape their children’s loyalties.  Most of the time, this happens when one parent remarries and the bio parent begins to get insecure.  Of course, becoming insecure about our relationships with our children are perfectly normal, we all have insecurities from time to time, but how we deal with these insecurities is what is crucial.  It is also very common for these same insecurities to creep up in our children manifesting themselves against their stepparents or new significant other in their parents’ lives.  Children often feel that if they are “perceived” as loving their stepparent, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.  Unfortunately, too many times, I have personally seen bio parents that reinforce this idea instead of debunking it for the sake of their children’s emotional and mental health.  They would rather, actually rather, see their children go through drama and chaos only to disrupt the lives of their exes.  It’s a shame on so many different levels.  Instead of being committed to having a healthy divorce for their children, they decide to create an “us” against “them” attitude and coerse their children to have hatred for their stepparent and sometimes even for their biological parent as well.  Unfortunately, what these parents don’t realize during all of this is that they are actually sabotaging their own childrens’ trust in them.  Children eventually mature and grow and they figure things out for themselves.  They figure out our insecurities.  They get it.

Thankfully, there are some steps that you can take in order to wade your way through these trying times:

  • Your child needs clear rules, boundaries and structure.  Remain committed to your household rules. 
  • Do not side with your children against a stepparent.  Talk with your ex spouse about issues that arise and handle them from there. 
  • Do not put your children in the middle of your battles.  This goes for with your ex spouse or with your new spouse.  Children do not need to be privy to every issue you and your (ex)spouse are dealing with.
  • Encourage the relationship your child has with his/her other parent.
  • Do not use your child as a messenger between his/her parents.
  • Don’t ask your children to “keep secrets” from the other parent.
  • Don’t question your children about their visitation.
  • If it is feasible, have the parents and stepparents sit down and discuss expectations surrounding rules and parenting roles, etc.  Obviously, this is not going to work for every stepfamily, but if it is feasible, it can help children to know that they will be supported by all parents and will also stand together as a united front. 

TMF Readers, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but this subject begs the reminder that your children are a part of both of you and your ex spouse.  When children feel as if they are put in the middle and have to choose between their parents, they feel insecure, guilty, pressured and ultimately rejected.  Those feelings manifest themselves in all kinds of ways which can cause not just drama in your home, but in their lives which leave scars that sometimes take years to heal.   Managing these issues as effectively as you can will help you to alleviate stress and will also allow the stepparent to be another caring adult in your children’s lives to become more trusted, involved and connected.  By leading the example, not only will your child gain more trust for you as his/her parent the lesson they learn thereby will enhance their life experience and allow them to flourish.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

January 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Trust is the key component to a successful marriage and especially in a remarriage. You have to be able to trust each other in order to present a united front to your children. If you don’t trust your spouse, you won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to be your co-parent with your children. You won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to solely handle decision making with their ex-spouse and overall, you won’t be an effective team and life partners. That being said, remarried partners who bring children into the marriage, are also presented with more opportunities to break trust just due to the complex family dynamic.  If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild or maintain trust in your marriage, consider the following helpful tips.

Do What You Say You’re Going to Do – When trust has been broken by one or both parties in the marriage, remember it’s the little things you do that will help to rebuild it. Think about it this way – when you are trying to build and maintain trust with your child of divorce, it’s important to be on time for visitation, keep communication open and honest, and overall, do what you say you’re going to do, right? Well, it’s no different when you’re trying to rebuild trust in your marriage. Do what you say you’re going to do; even regarding the simplest things such as bringing sugar home on your way from work. If you’re consistent over time, even when it comes to the little things, you will start to rebuild trust in your relationship.

Safe Communication – it’s important to feel safe enough to communicate in your relationship to rebuild trust. Pick a spot in your home and label it the no judgment zone. In this zone, you are both free to communicate how you feel without judgment. BUT, use “I” instead of “you” statements. “You did this, or always do that” are statements that put people on the defensive. Instead say “I feel this way when you do this.”

Don’t Continuously Bring Up the Past  – Even when you are both working hard to rebuild trust, be advised that there are still times when you are going to disagree/fight/argue. When this happens, remember to fight fair. Don’t bring up old issues , if you have already resolved them.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones and Words CAN Hurt – Words that are spoken in the heat of the moment when you are both very angry can knock you three steps back when you are trying to build trust.  So if you and your spouse are arguing and are boiling mad, take a breather. Step away from the discussion, collect yourself and remind yourself that you are having an argument WITH YOUR SPOUSE; not a co-worker or a stranger off the street – YOUR SPOUSE. Don’t say things that you might regret or that won’t be easily forgiven or forgotten.

No Instant Fix – You have to gradually rebuild trust over a period of time. Be patient with each other as you both work to regain that trust you lost and find happiness again.

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