Cosigners…or….True Friends?

The old saying goes like this….”A friend in need is a friend indeed.”  For a long time, I always thought that the meaning of true friendship was (1) someone who stands by your side no matter what, (2) someone who hurts when you hurt and (3) someone that tells you exactly what you want to hear when you need to hear it.

Well, in my more mature years, I have come to know that numbers 1 and 2 above are absolutely correct, but number 3 is more than a half truth.  As friends, especially as women, we need true friends and true friends are not what Kela and I call co-signers.  For example, there have been many times that I have needed advice and thought I was absolutely in the right in my thinking, in my feelings, my actions and my reactions.  Albeit, I may be one of the luckiest women in the world to have a friend like Kela that will not just tell me the truth, she will downright tell me when I am in the wrong.  Many times, I have had to be put in check and yes, it is hard to hear constructive criticism and it was far from what I really wanted to hear at the time, but was absolutely needed in order to move forward and in order to progress personally and professionally.  With these lessons, Kela has made me a better friend to her and to others.

Ladies, we need each other.  There are just things that our husbands don’t understand and our kids shouldn’t be privy to.  There are times when we need a good listening ear of a girlfriend.  However, that listening ear needs to be level for our own well-being.  As friends, we need to be comfortable in our skin to tell one another the whole truth and nothing but the truth without feeling the need to cosign.  Cosigning is not healthy for either party.  In fact, it accomplishes nothing but short term gratification and the end result usually backfires on you.

TMF Readers, true friends see you from the inside out.  They are by your side when we are not at our best.  A true friend stands by you even when you take a stance on something they might not think will work because they believe in your ideas.  They let you make your own mistakes so you can personally learn the lesson without them having to say “I told you so.”  A true friend loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them.  They stand beside you, they work with you.  A true friend knows all of the good about you and all of the not so good but could care less.

A true friend never cosigns for the simple reason of making you feel better, they give you the truth and leave their opinions aside because they know that their opinion may be biased toward you.

True friends are difficult to find, hard to leave and impossible to forget and I am truly blessed to have you Kela.  Thank you for allowing me to ride along on this journey with you.  Thank you for believing in my ability as a coach and as your friend.  I only hope that one day I can help you as much as you have helped me to be a better person.

Diane

Bust Up the Junk and Declutter Your Life In 2011

Modern family members whether you are a single, same sex, step or bio parent and everyone in between, 2011 is your year to bust up the clutter in your life.  Clutter makes its way into our lives in forms ranging from petty issues with the ex, the stress of being a single parent, too much work and not enough play, ignoring your own self-comfort and mental well-being and just plain drama! 

2011 is your year Readers to bust and declutter.  In order to truly be happy, we need to have peace.  In order to have peace, we have to commit to removing what stresses us out and causes us to clutter our lives not just with “things” but also with the junk drama, the junk friendships, the junk relationships, the junk period. 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

We’ve all heard the phrase Lather, Rinse, Repeat!  This is going to be my mantra for the new year.  When I feel myself being stressed out I am going to use that phrase to help get me back on track.  When it comes to people in my life, whether that be at work or in my personal life, if it stresses me out, I am going to Lather, Rinse and Repeat by washing that stress right out of my life.  How you might ask?  Here are a few tips:

1. Take time for yourself!  This years No. 1 priority.  YOU!  Take a day off work and allocate that day all to yourself.  Go buy some good fruit, healthy snacks, a few not so healthy snacks if you like, and veg out!  One of my favorite things to do is to rent a hotel room for a night all to myself.  I don’t skimp either.  I get a nice room, with hot tub, a pool and I live it up.
2. Let go of unhealthy relationships!  If you are in a relationship that constantly stresses you out or one that you realize you are the only person putting anything into the relationship then my advice is to get rid of it!
3. Incorporate something entirely new.  I recently discovered Yoga.  I always have heard rave reviews about yoga from friends and co-workers, so I tried a session.  It is not just a great way to exercise, but also to release your mind of unnecessary junk.
4. Keep a journal.  I have always loved to express my thoughts on paper.  I was given a beautiful journal for Christmas and I plan on putting it to good use in 2011.  Journals give you a way to express your inner most thoughts, cares, joys and sorrows while at the same time giving you an outlet for healing.
5. Do unto others.  Doing something nice makes us stronger human beings.  When you do unto others, you do unto yourself as well.  You give yourself the gift of personal power to bless others.  The end result…blessings return to you.
6. Channel your inner rebel.  When your willpower is wearing you down, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  Shop until you drop for the day, invite your good girl or boyfriends out and hit a good restaurant or maybe even the jazz club for the evening.  Have some good fun!

What we are really doing by de-junking, busting and decluttering our lives is making room for the real blessings we deserve.  There is a great quote from the poet Rumi which says “Let the beauty we love be what we do.“  This is a simple principal and a reminder that we do not have to hold on to extra drama and stress in our lives.  Let the beauty we love be what we do.  It’s just that simple.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

In any relationship, whether it be romantically involved (i.e., spousal or significant other, everyday friendships, sibling and often times even parental), conflict is inevitable.  What we don’t realize is that it is not the conflict in itself that is the problem, but rather simply, how we  decide to handle the conflict that either tears us apart or brings us closer together.

Research has shown that hanging on to ambivalent relationships (romantic or otherwise) in our lives where they are supportive and positive one minute and non-supportive/negative the next causes us more stress than a regular old negative relationship.  We bounce back and forth in these relationships never really knowing where we stand with the other person.  Research has also shown that this is also extremely physically unhealthy.

What does an ambivalent relationship or friendship look like one might ask?  For example, in some remarriages/stepfamilies, couples experience what I call the “weakest link” syndrome due to the stresses and strains such as conflict with an ex-spouse or stepchild, emotional/physical neglect and/or abuse and often times finances.  The stress level gets so high at times that one person feels as if they are constantly walking on eggshells.

The fact of the matter is that the world we live in today is full of unhealthy relationships.  We see them on on television, we hear about them on the news and bopp our heads to the tunes our music provides us about painful break-ups and conflict.  We also experience it first hand in our relationships with our friends and family.  Another example of a toxic relationship  can be that of an adult child that has grown up with a neglectful parent.  Whether that parent was neglectful due to the disease of physical abuse, drugs/alcohol or just simply walked away, there comes a time that we have to decide to accept these relationships for what they are not for what we imagine they can be.  We have to embrace the conflict we feel inside in order to accept that we can and need to let go of these relationships, especially when the outcome leads to our own positive well-being and health for that matter.

Another example of conflict and unhealthy relationships is that of ex-spouses that have not moved past the pain (a lot of the times due to not having closure, i.e., one spouse walked away suddenly, etc.) that they experienced during their previous relationship or their troubled marriage.  They want to disconnect, but hang on to emotions.  This is extremely harmful not just to the one behaving this way, but if the non-participating ex-spouse is remarried, it turns into major conflict for the remarriage, hence the “weakest link” syndrome kicks in.

Deciding to let go of  or exit an unhealthy relationship is hard.  In the alternative, a lot of people decide to just stay “stuck.”  In my opinion and through my experience, I have learned that what you need and want to accomplish in this one life that we get,  is much too short and precious to waste on people who do not feel or want the same things that you do.  Sometimes, those people are our friends, parents, spouses and siblings and when we need to let go of an unhealthy relationship, there is going to be pain.  However, it is wise and empowering to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and allow yourself to take inventory of the roles people have played in your life.  Obviously, I am not promoting cutting good people out of your life, but simply eliminating the stress and by doing so, sometimes we have to eliminate the folks that cause that stress.  Can people change?  Of course.   Can relationships that may be defunct at this moment end up flourishing? Absolutely.  I am a big proponent of change.  Two people, whether they are spouses, friends or family members, do not have to always agree  and obviously will not always share the same values, desires and goals in life, but if the stress from one of these relationships becomes detrimental to your happiness, being able to focus and becoming aware of your own goals and desires may require ending that stressful relationship.  Here are a few examples of questions you might ask yourself and thoughts you might consider:

• Acknowledge your own mistakes in the relationship.
• Does this person’s influence or feelings flip/flop back and forth from positive to negative at a moment’s notice continually and does it stress you out?
• Do you feel as if you walk on eggshells around this person?
• Are you being physically or emotionally abused?
• Are you being financially stifled to the point that you are afraid to speak up?
• Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship?
• Are you always available for your friends but they are never available for you?
• Does your parent make you feel guilty for their past parental actions or non-actions?
• Do you feel you need to re-evaluate the direction your relationship is taking?

When we set clear intentions in our relationships, we clear the path for our own progress and true happiness.  In learning this, we are putting a voice to the emotional part of inner-beings and again, accomplishing true happiness.

Peace &  Blessings,
Di