Padma Lakshmi
This story was first published in the New York Post.
“Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi is facing a custody battle from the father of her young daughter.
Adam Dell, the brother of Dell computer founder Michael Dell, filed suit on Tuesday in Manhattan Supreme Court for custody of 11-month old Krishna Thea Lakshmi.
TMZ.com reported Wednesday that under an out-of-court agreement, Dell currently has visitation rights to see his daughter nine days a month. Sources say that agreement is in effect until Feb. 20, when Krishna turns 1.
Both Dell, 41, and Lakshmi, 40, were discussing a custody arrangement to take effect after their daughter’s birthday, but the negotiations recently fell apart, according to the report.
Dell’s lawyer, Bill Zabel, confirmed the filing to the New York Post and said in a statement: “Adam Dell, above all else, wants to have an active and substantial role in the upbringing of his daughter with Padma Lakshmi. Unfortunately, Ms. Lakshmi has severely limited his time with their daughter and has refused to negotiate a reasonable co-parenting agreement. Mr. Dell has tried his best to avoid going to court, but Ms. Lakshmi has given him no other choice at this time.”
Sources told the paper that Lakshmi and Dell’s agreement allows him to see his daughter for seven hours a week, but that it’s complicated by her filming and travel commitments.
Sources close to Dell also told the paper that he has to deal with his ex’s lawyers and assistant to arrange times to see his daughter. One source said, “Adam does not want to take the baby away from her. He hopes this will result in a reasonable co-parenting agreement.”
Dell is also said to be seeking to be named on Krishna’s birth certificate and have her take his surname along with Lakshmi’s, according to the report.
A rep for Lakshmi told the Post, “It appears to us that Mr. Dell remains more interested in garnering media attention than working out details to see Krishna or in her welfare.”
My Commentary: This is a typical story for co-parents who have separated with very young children. Mama is super protective over her young and makes an exaggerated claim that 2 days a year is a completely reasonable visitation arrangement and I understand why. As a mother to a 9 month old, I’m not so sure I would want to give liberal visitation to anyone, including his father and he’s my husband. Children who are that young heavily and primarily depend on mommy, especially if she is a loving, attentive mother who has bonded with her child. I’m not saying that dad isn’t important at all, but for all of you women who have given birth, I’m sure you understand what I am talking about. My husband is a very loving, attentive, detail-oriented father, BUT, for the first 5 months, our son blatantly preferred me. Dad didn’t hold him right, didn’t feed him right, didn’t sing his favorite lullably like mommy and just didn’t care for him like mommy did. My husband would get frustrated and say, “why doesn’t he like me?” He’s just now getting to the point when he’ll stay with him while I’m completely out of sight. This speaks nothing of my husband’s parenting skills; it’s just that kids are really dependent upon mommy for the first few years of their lives. So I totally get Padma’s perspective. However, dad’s relationship with baby Krishna is still vital at this time as this is the time when they should be forming their own bond. It’s a tough situation and I hope that Dell and Lakshmi can come to some sort of flexible agreement for Krishna’s sake. Children that young really need both of their parents and it usually means that both parents will play a vital role in each other’s lives as well. This example is the very reason that I recommend that couples refrain from starting new relationships with significant others until the child is a little older. It just makes it a lot less complicated.
Your thoughts?
With Summer quickly approaching, a lot of non-custodial parents (who are usually dads) are about to embark on yet another Summer visitation. With that being said, having a productive Summer visitation with your children should be on every dad’s wish list. Most people see Summer visitation as images of beaches, amusement parks, going to bed late and getting up even later. However, while our children deserve to have fun during the Summer, it should also be a productive time for them as well. While our children undoubtedly are expectant of a fun Summer visitation, dads need to be careful not to “over do” or for a lack of better words, fall into the trap of the “disneyland dad” syndrome. Summer visitation is a very important bonding time with your children, which should be fairly uninterrupted by the custodial parent, but also time that should be balanced by productiveness.
Crisis in the family court system was the topic of a Dr. Phil show that aired a couple of days ago. He wanted to know if the legal system was letting our children down, and according to the testimonies of his guests, it is! His guests stories were centered around domestic violence and the women who pleaded with the family court judges to order supervised visitation out of fear that their ex-husbands would harm or even kill their children. After several attempts, the judges assumed that the women were lying and denied their requests for supervised visits and/or restraining orders. As a result, the ex-husbands were able to follow through with their threats and ended up killing their own children, just so that their mother wouldn’t have them either. My heart ached for these women as I can imagine how they must feel knowing that they tried to stop such a horrific act from occurring, but couldn’t persuade a judge to listen to them.
Most judges have no personal experience regarding the dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life and therefore rely on what they’ve heard (usually in the media as mentioned above) to give the final ruling in their cases. They also rely on parental liasons/advocates, individuals who are usually clinical psychologists whom are appointed to provide the judge with information (after talking to both parents and the child), solely based on the best interest of the child. They are appointed to give that unbiased view of the situation so the judge can make an unbiased decision. The problem is that most of these individuals have no or very little knowledge regarding they complex dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life either. As such, you just get a bunch of people making a bunch of generalized decisions for children who are caught in the middle.
It’s all over the news. Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair. Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated). Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.
I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily. Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.
What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.
People routinely bargain and negotiate with one another. Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs. This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well. In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.
Recently, within my own modern family, a situation arose that required adjustment by all members of our modern family. Without going into too much personal detail, the conflict was related to an issue between my husband and his ex-wife where an adjustment was being made that would affect our household. Because I am not a perfect person, and I don’t always have all of the answers, my response to this adjustment is the reason I decided to write this post. I wanted to share with you readers what I learned about making adjustments in a modern/blended family.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
