Holiday Parenting Time

Pull out the file, blow off the dust and let’s get it started.  During the holidays, many a court order have been pulled out of the dusty file folders they call home and referred to because holiday parenting schedules always seem to conflict.  Parents become monsters during the holidays and children inevitably get stretched like a rubber band between the two of them.  Albeit, a lot of non-custodial parents have no idea that in every custody/visitation order, there is usually a holiday parenting schedule.  Some are notated with language such as “as per the Michigan state guideline, etc.”  In our state, it is posted on our Secretary of State’s website for anyone to obtain if need be.  It describes in detail other breaks as well such as Summer, Spring and Fall.

During the holidays, another issue that has parents in conflict at times is the issue of religion.  Although most parents agree on the issue of religion, there are still those that do not.  This issue becomes sticky when one parent is exercising his/her visitation during the holidays and is asked by the other parent  for permission to interrupt their visitation time in order to take their child to a special service, play or choir concert.  Should the other parent exercising visitation concede during their visitation time to allow the other parent to attend with the child?  In Indiana, a case just like this was just heard by the Indiana Court of Appeals.  In their decision, the court indicated that whether the child must attend services is the prerogative of the parent exercising parenting time.  In other words, no, the parent is not required to take the child to services, or allow the other parent to interrupt his/her parenting time to take the child to services (Source: www.indianadivorceblog.com).

In Michigan, holiday parenting time is made very clear.  Both parents’ individual holiday and break times are spelled out in either even or odd years and are very specific and well written, even down to weekly/daily telephone contact.  (Source:  Michigan Parenting Time Guideline).  In Ohio, different counties have different guidelines and these guidelines are usually attached when the original custody/visitation order is made.  When orders are spelled out in this manner, it makes for far less drama and conflict during special times of the year.

To avoid stress during these festive times, make your plans ahead of time and discuss same with your co-parent(s).  Do your best to be flexible (this goes both ways), you don’t have to control everything!  Feel free and let go.  Remember, your child loves both of you.  Encourage them to have fun and to enjoy their time away.  Lastly, to alleviate unnecessary stress, take one another’s religious beliefs and traditions into consideration before the start of the holidays.  Discuss them ahead of time so it doesn’t have to be an issue.  It’s about mutual respect.

Remember, one goal to good parenting is ensuring that you are reserving your time for your child, whether you are the custodial or non-custodial parent.  Your time is precious to your precious one.  It is your responsibility and most certainly in the best interest of the child you share together.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

When going through a divorce, be prepared!

Below is a conversation I had with a reader, offering advice as she prepared for her divorce. Be advised that names have been changed to protect her confidentiality.

Reader: This Wednesday, we have child support court at 1pm. Currently, we are maintaining separate households, and I know that the court will establish visitation and address child support.

I am writing you because I was wanting to know if you have any tips on how I can ease the transition for the kids. Boy is 2 and Girl is 7 months. A major concern of mine is that  Ex-husband hasn’t developed much of a relationship with Girl. Also I am going to need a divorce lawyer, as well. I am thinking that it should be a fairly simple case since we have no assets to divide. Any input or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. I have not told anyone of my discussion except for my parents. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

My Response: Frequent contact and maintaining some sort of routine will be essential to easing the transition for your babies during this time. It’s important that visitation pick up and drop off times are strictly adhered to. Additionally, it’s better for them to have similar surroundings at both mom and dad’s house. For example, they should have a room at your house with some of their favorite things, as well as a room at dads’ house with some of their favorites. Basically, it should feel like home no matter where they are laying their heads for the night.

It might also help to start reading some kid friendly books to them regarding divorce. I’ve included links to a few below. The first one, Where Am I Sleeping Tonight, is for slightly older children (3rd or 4th grade), but you could “dumb it down” so to speak, for Boy. It will help to answer his questions or address his frustrations in a very matter of fact type of way. Remember, the children feed off of your emotion. If you embrace this change, your children will eventually embrace it. If you act anxious, nervous, heart broken (in front of them), then they will pick up on that as well.

As far as the visitation is concerned, I can definitely relate to your concerns. My son was 3 and a half when his dad and I parted ways and his father had never really had any involvement in his life. He is an overseas basketball player who works in Spain for 10 months out of the year. As such, he never had the opportunity to bond with him prior to our break up. The courts took this into consideration and awarded him frequent short visits, as opposed to longer overnight visits, during the summer months. As a matter of fact, this is automatically taken into consideration when deciding visitation for infants and toddlers. Attached are the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines concerning infants and toddlers. The courts usually adhere to such guidelines.

Regarding the attorney, I’ve recommended a few below. I’ve only personally used one of them, but the others are highly recommended.

Overall, be advised that it will be a huge mistake to go to court unprepared and without an attorney. No matter how simple the case may seem to you, I’ve always found that they are a lot more complicated than what we might think. Protect yourself and your children’s best interest by getting a good attorney in the very beginning. You’ll find that it will likely save you tons of money in the end.

Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m here to help. Oh and check out those links to those books below.

Grace and Peace,

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Sleeping-Tonight-Story-Divorce/dp/1878076302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242503478&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Divorce-Marc-Brown/dp/0316109967/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c/179-2123306-1893056

http://www.amazon.com/Was-Chocolate-Pudding-Little-Divorce/dp/1591473098/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/179-2123306-1893056

Reader: Court went very well and a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that the order is in place. I really appreciate all that you have done and as you stated it does pay to be prepared. Ex-husband tried to say that he made 6k less a year then what he makes but because I had the last pay stub that was mailed to the house I was able to dispute that, and he also stated he had the kids 3 overnights a week but because I kept a calendar of when he did and didn’t keep the kids I was able to dispute that as well.

God is good and I know this is only the beginning of the end. I look forward to getting my life back on track and I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year.

Thanks again!

My Response: I’m so glad that things went well for you!!! I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Additionally, I am SO glad that you were PREPARED!!! I can’t stress this enough to my clients who are going through a divorce. Often times, we don’t want to and can’t even believe that our former spouses would even be capable of such things, but divorce seems to bring the bad out in almost everybody. All of sudden they are lying about income (it happened to me), lying about visitation (it happened to me) and lying about the amount of money that they pay to take care of the child (it happened to me). As such, I always tell my clients to expect the possible worst (be prepared to defend yourself), but pray for the best.

Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book. Just for comfort, support and encouragement, check out the excerpt of my article on “Divorce Parties” here. Embrace this change so that you can move on, for yourself and your babies.

Good luck to you and your family! I’m so glad I could help.

Kela

Reader’s Question…How do I fix my relationship with my ex-spouse?

Hello,

I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response:

Thanks for visiting BFSO!

First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance at co-parenting effectively in the future.

That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order, fighting, or trying to civilly communicate hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens.

Sherri, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

I hope I’ve helped, Sherri. Please feel free to shoot me an email at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, or respond to this message, if you need clarification on any of my points.

Warmly,

*Kela*

An Ex-Wife Wants to Smack Other Ex-Wives!

I was perusing my blog favorites this morning and ran across a very interesting and insightful post, written by one of my favorite ex-wives on Adventures in Divorce. She exudes what I’ve been talking about all along on this blog; that it’s okay to have certain feelings of jealousy and ego, as an ex-wife, when your ex moves on, but you can’t act on those feelings by using your children as pawns. It’s just plain wrong! At any rate, read her post below, entitled, ‘Please be a Little Selfish. I’m sure you’ll find it insightful as well.

If you’re going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it….. I love my kids, but I love my “me time” as well. Ok, I’m being facetious and extreme here with the “selfish and self centered” characterization, but really….. I feel like it’s a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they’re not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don’t have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don’t have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don’t have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I’m looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I’m going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we’re picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he’s going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn’t let him go because it’s not his dad’s weekend and because he would be going with me (she’d expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please…. let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I’d be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she’s been busy finishing up her Master’s program and needs him out of her hair anyway…. or maybe because now she’s boo’d up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably…. but whatever, I’m looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I’m a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile……..or perhaps I’m just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he’d like. I may miss them, but I know they’ll be back and I know they’re well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children’s lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don’t need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to “show him a thing or two” and not let him see his child…. please, for your child’s sake, be a little “selfish”.

Blended Family Vacations

I just got back from taking a vacation with my husband and son. We had a wonderful time in St. Louis, although our vacation was cut short due to bad weather. It’s Spring and we expected mild weather, around 50 degrees or so and sunny, but instead St. Louis was expecting blizzard conditions on the day we decided to leave! In spite of it all, however, we enjoyed visiting their spectacular Science Center and the Arch was amazing as well.

We try to take a vacation at least twice a year. In the beginning of our marriage it was quite difficult. My husband and I would always try to coordinate our vacations around when my stepson could go, but it NEVER WORKED OUT! Something always came up, at the last minute, that prevented my stepson from going and prevented us from going altogether. The Wicked Ex always had some excuse as to why he couldn’t go or why he couldn’t visit during his court ordered visitation time (when we planned our vacations). This kid has attended so many weddings, funerals and birthday parties, it’s ridiculous.  Needless to say, my stepson has NEVER been on a vacation with us, despite him wanting to go and us wanting him to go.

We used to just say “forget it” and we wouldn’t go on vacation at all. But then I realized that the only people who were missing out was us because my stepson was still going on vacation with his mom and stepdad. It was my son who was never going anywhere because we were allowing the ex to dictate our schedule. We were doing this by saying that we weren’t going anywhere until she allowed my stepson to go. Well, we would never go on vacation if we did that, so eventually we decided that we were going whether my stepson was in attendance or not. We still make every effort to include my stepson in our plans, but our plans don’t fall through if he can’t go.  We plan our vacations around what’s conveninet and feasible for our family; not what’s convenient for my stepson or when his mom will allow him to go.

Aside from The Wicked Ex’s every attempt to exclude her son from our family activities, we also realized that our sons live in different states and therefore they have very different school schedules.  For example, they are never on spring break at the same time; which makes it impossible for us to plan vacations together during this time. It’s also another reason why we pleaded with the ex to change the visitation schedule. K used to come during his spring break when M was still in school. Not only did this disrupt M’s routine, but it also prevented K from enjoying his spring break. Because M was in school, there was no staying up late, playing during the week, or going on vacation. It was a situation that was truly unfair to both of them. As such, we requested either extra weekends or an extra week during the summer to make up for this time, but of course she wanted no part of it. In the end, we just decided not to exercise our visitation during this time whether she allowed us to make it up or not. Now, K actually enjoys his spring break with her and her current husband. They plan vacations during this time with him. Although I know she knows that I was right all along, she’ll never admitt it. But that’s okay, because I do what’s best for the children and never make decisions based on how difficult I can make it for her!

Other blended families experience different issues when planning a vacation together. Some use it as a time to bring their family closer together. When the kids aren’t getting along, your kids aren’t excepting your new spouse or their blended family, sometimes a mini vacation (too many days could backfire on you) is just what the therapist ordered. Taking a vacation for a few days, close to home, can help in gradually bringing your family closer together, especially if you’re consistent with creating this new family tradition. However, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure everyone feels included in this new tradition.

1. Have a family meeting to allow everyone to give ideas about where to go.
2. Make sure you have adequate hotel or resort space at your destination.
3. Make sure that both bio and step children are included in decisions about activities that the family will enjoy together. Notice that I bolded the word ‘included.’ Including them doesn’t mean that you give them the power to make the decision. It means that you give them the opportunity to give suggestions. As the adults, you make the final decisions in deciding what the compromise will be.
4. Keep it short. Don’t try to plan week long or longer vacations, especially with a newly formed blended family. In the traditional family, after too many days together in close quarters, you start getting on each other’s nerves. As such, it might be even more tense in a blended family situation, so limit your vacation time to 4 days or less.

What about you BFSO readers? We want to hear about your blended family vacation horror stories. Send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com or drop us a comment to let us know. Oh, and when you get a moment check out the links above for the St.Louis Science Center and the St.Louis Arch. You might want to consider St. Louis for your next vacation spot after doing so. We had a blast!

BeBe Winans Arrested for Assault Against Ex-Wife!

MSN Entertainment

Grammy-winning gospel singer Bebe Winans was arrested and booked on a misdemeanor assault charge on March 11 for allegedly pushing his ex-wife Debra to the ground in front of their two children over Valentine’s Day weekend, according to NBC’s local WSMV in Nashville.

The purported assault took place during a visit by Winans to his former wife’s home in Nashville on February 13. The former couple was arguing over issues related to the custody of their 13-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son, when Winans, 46, became irate and pushed his ex-wife to the ground, according to the report.

“When you’re married to someone known all over the world it has serious challenges,” Debra Winans told NBC, adding that many Christians do not ask for help when faced with domestic abuse because they feel they should be held to a higher standard.

After being held for a short time at Davidson County Jail in Tennessee, Bebe Winans posted $1000 bond and was released, according to the website, The Smoking Gun.

Winans, who is a judge on the BET reality show “Sunday Best,” is best known for performing with his sister Cece.

Bebe and Debra Winans were married for 16 years before divorcing in 2003.

Divorce, Child Support and Equally Taking Care of Children

Last week I was perusing some of my favorite blogs when I ran into a post on ex-wives and child support payments. An ex-wife was really upset because she felt as if her ex-husband was neglecting his four children in order to give his second wife the finer things in life. Below is an excerpt from her letter on www.glennsacks.com.

“I think as a ex-wife I can say that men want the cake and bring a jug of milk, too! I have 4 children, and my ex is still with the woman he left us for. I can say that this slut woman comes before his children. Am I upset? Damn right. I could care less who he puts in his bed, but do I care if my children have what they should have or need. He takes his bitch on trips, and is never there for the kids. Oh, and this woman came to my baby shower for my last son, to let me know my ex was with her. As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.

“The facts show that a child’s living standard goes down by 48% [after divorce]. That is a lot, but the men don’t have to look the kids in the eye and see the hurt when you tell them they can’t have something or play a sport because you can’t afford it. Just so long as daddy is happy! Man up and do right by your kids, even if you didn’t by your ex.

I took some time to really think about the reader’s letter and  the subsequent comments from other readers who weren’t too pleased with her perspective. I have mixed feelings about what she said. What I don’t understand is why she is so upset with the second wife. Why do women so quickly turn on each other? Her ex-husband is the one who left her for this woman, and I’m certain that he didn’t do it at gun point. If he is choosing to take his second wife on trips instead of paying child support, then why are you upset with her? Your ex-husband has a responsibility to his children and you have no child support agreement with her. It’s not her fault so don’t displace your anger. Now, I can understand a woman being disappointed and questioning the second wife’s moral character for choosing a man who doesn’t or barely takes care of his children. But, I don’t understand being upset to the point where you are calling her sluts or bitches; that’s uncalled for, in my opinion.

I know some women will disagree with me saying that it IS the other woman’s responsibility to NOT date a married man, but it is my belief that the man you took vows with bears most of the responsibility for protecting your marriage. Either she may not have even known about you, or you don’t know what he has told her about your marriage.

Readers were outraged with what she had to say regarding the child support issue, and this is what I took the most time to ponder.  I wanted to be certain as to how I felt about the issue prior to writing. Below is what some of the readers had to say:

1. This women obviously doesn’t understand the fact that the NCP’s child support payment are not supposed to COVER her costs of raising children. It is his HALF. Everytime I hear a custodial parent complain “he only sends me 10,000/year, how can I raise a kid on that?” I cringe. The custodial parent is supposed to contribute the same amount in proportion to her income. You are now divorced. You have to get a job and work. Your husband has another household to run, he is paying his share for the kids and that is ALL! (and the CS formulations are way too high to begin with, NO kid costs what the tables say, but you will NEVER hear a custodial parent say that, no matter how much the NCP sends, it is NEVER enough for them).

2.  As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.’ bull…woman who know how to use (yes, abuse) the system get what they deserve based on MATH, not what she bitterly laments later as insufficient ‘to cover basic needs’. WAKE UP MOTHER! You have the kids so YOU have to pay for shelter for YOU. Your kids money is for THEIR FOOD and THEIR CLOTHS, PERIOD.If your respective financial conditions changed to warrent you ‘deserving’ more, it’s YOUR option to take it back to support court. In lieu of that, it’s YOUR responsibility to better budget your money. Buy cheaper food, buy cheaper cloths, and DON’T spend it elsewhere.While, if it’s true that your husband left you, know that betrayal works both ways to dear one. How about losing the home that your income alone bought, to your ex spouse after she took up with a boy 12 years her junior next door? Don’t cry about it, do something about it, or quit your bitchin.!

As an ex, the more I thought it about it, the angrier I got! Why is it that men always want to talk about their HALF only when it comes to their financial responsibility? If by your own assertion we are supposed to EQUALLY (that’s what HALF means, right?) take care of the child, then why are your mouths closed when it comes to doing your HALF in the areas of emotional and physical support as well? And, before you start talking about your little every other weekend or summer (for those of you who live out of state or the country) visitation, let me assure you that that doesn’t equate to HALF; it’s only about an eight of what we full-time parents do.

My husband and his ex-wife used to (prior to her preventing him from doing so, due to my arrival) equally care for their son after their divorce. My husband kept him for nearly 8 months out of the year and she had him for the remainder of the year. They also shared the financial responsibility for him, even though my husband physically had him more. Fellas, this is called HALF; more than HALF supporting your child.

So the next time you go screaming to your ex-wife about your HALF, be sure to check yourself to be certain that you’re doing your HALF in all of the other areas as well. If you want to continually question your ex-wife about how she budgets or mismanages money, be prepared to answer similar questions regarding how you mismanage your TIME!

So Unfair – comments from another reader

I have heard many complaints, over the years, from divorced dads regarding unfair child support payments! It is something that my husband and I have struggled with, too.  It is an issue that can be the death of the blended family.  Sometimes divorced parents will continually make this issue about them, and it’s easy to do so because your finances is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, it’s not about what your ex doesn’t need; it’s about what your child needs. If parents always consider the best interest of their child, then there shouldn’t be a problem. So, divorced dads don’t be stingy with your money by not paying child support or paying less than what your child deserves. You are not hurting your ex; you are hurting your child. And, divorced moms, don’t try to empty your ex’s bank account. Remember, that your child still has to have visitation with his father, and he has to have a house and money to take care of his child during visitation. You are not hurting your ex; you are only hurting your child. With that said, read the following comments from one of my readers and my response to her.

sad step mom Says:
August 25, 2008 at 5:51 pm e

I agree that both parents should support the child. I don’t agree that only the non-custodial parent should be doing so. What do you do when a custodial parent lies about daycare, education expenses, dance classes and so on just to get more money because she is financially irresponsible. The court doesn’t even require proof of such things. But we don’t get to even know the name of the dance studio or the daycare. She even tried to get her ex mother in law to tell the court that she paid her weekly for daycare. Thankfully the Ex MIL said she would not lie in court. We pay a huge amount of money and have no say in the childs life. We are lucky to see the child 6 days a month. She has had numerouse contempt charges based on all of this but we still can’t get joint custody.

 My Response

Thanks so much for your comments! They are always greatly appreciated.

Let me start by addressing what I perceive to be issue number 1: most of the financial burden falling on the non-custodial parent. I whole-heartedly agree that the child DESERVES to be financially, emotionally, and physically supported by both parents. But, that does not necessarily mean that the support will be totally equal. In regards to child support, it is set up so that the child continues the same lifestyle that he would have lived if his parents stayed together. Just because you get a divorce or split from the mother or father of your child doesn’t mean that you are any less responsible for caring for that child. As such, if the non-custodial parent can afford to pay more (without breaking his bank, of course), then he will likely do so. The child support system, in most states, considers both of custodial and non-custodial parent’s income when setting up child support. I know it can sometimes feel unfair, especially when the non-custodial parent isn’t allowed to be as involved as he would like to be (trust me, I know firsthand). But, don’t misplace your anger; sometimes excess emotional baggage can cause us to do this. Meaning, if we are really really mad at the ex-wife/baby’s mama (justified or not), then any and everything she does or we have to do as a result, is wrong. Is your husband really the only one financially supporting the child?? Unless he is paying for her mortgage or rent (shelter for his child), her car payment (transportation to get his child back and forth), food expenses (his child has to eat), health insurance (health care for his child) etc., then he is definitely not the ONLY one supporting the child. I’m certain that it takes a whole lot more than what your husband is paying in child support expenses to raise a child. I don’t doubt that his monthly child support payments help out a great deal, but that’s what he’s supposed to do; whether he sees the child or not. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. You can’t punish (withhold child support) the child because of something that his or her mom is doing.

In regards to issue number two- your husband not being able to see his child. I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s a hard pill to swallow to know that you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, but you aren’t allowed to be actively involved in your child’s life. It’s unfortunate, but this part of the system is not set up to produce favorable results for the father, who is often times the non-custodial parent. As I explained in one of my posts, Judges seemingly have tunnel vision when it comes to these family law issues. They assume that all dads are deadbeat dads and the moms are helpless hard workers who only want what’s best for the child. When the truth of the matter is that many dads just get tired (or run out of money) of fighting. It’s extremely taxing on the dad and the child. Not to mention, that there are many moms who could care less about the best interest of their child; they are more interested in just sticking it to the ex. I’ve worked and am still diligently working hard to change this. They have to start viewing these cases on an individual, instead of a generalized basis!

With that said, your husband certainly has a right to be informed and involved in his child’s life. I would suggest getting a good attorney to set up a visitation schedule that is in the best interest of the child.

Justice for Some, Not All

I’ve experienced many family law disputes over the past several years and if nothing else, I’ve learned two things about our wonderful legal system: the justice system isn’t that just at all and money talks. The legal system simply doesn’t work because the rules that exist within it are supposed to be fair. It works because of the attorneys that persuade the Judges to interpret the rules in a manner that proves the most benefit to their client. In addition to that, the attorneys work best for you when they are paid a lot of money. Simply put, the legal system was not created for the average person, with average money, to endure. Have you ever heard of the saying “you get what you pay for?” If you have little to no money, you get a wack attorney, and a wack attorney produces wack results. As a result, you are left with a legal problem that leaves you financially, emotionally and mentally drained, not to mention less than favorable results.

My husband’s case is one in which little to no money got him a less than favorable attorney and less than favorable results (that’s putting it nicely). His ex-wife is an attorney who often uses her connections with the legal system to continually strip him of his paternal rights. Before you assume that I am being paranoid, consider my initial statement about our legal system. It truly doesn’t matter what’s in the best interest of the child. It’s about who can make the best case, and more importantly, who has the most money to keep up the fight. And, if you don’t have enough money to hire an attorney at all, then you can just hang it up because the Judge is not trying to hear YOU.

At any rate, my husband has been trying, to no avail, to get increased visitation with his son for quite some time now. The first couple of times we went to court we had an attorney that must have graduated at the bottom of his class, and his representation was indicative of that. All we requested was visitation in June and July instead of June and August, due to a conflict in both his school and our work schedules. However, her attorney convinced the Judge that it was in the child’s best interest that he spend more time with his friends (and for some reason July was the only month he could do so) instead of spending that time with his father. We fought back and forth for quite some time, but lost the fight once we ran out of money (we had actually used it all on my case, but we’ll talk about a little later). The next family court dispute we encountered was when we wanted to take his son to our Mexico wedding. One would think that this would be an easy decision for the Judge. Of course his father would want him to be at his wedding, and the Judge would agree, right? Not! Once again, her high-powered attorney beat out our inexpensive attorney on the grounds that the child might get sick and there would be no hospitals nearby to take him to. I’m not kidding. Now this child doesn’t have leukemia, bone cancer, a rare heart disease or anything like that. He had a simple peanut allergy that my husband and I had been tending to for years at this point. Furthermore, it sickens me that my husband had been the child’s primary caregiver for years before I came along. As a matter of fact, they had agreed that he would have custody of him up until I stepped into the picture. As soon as that happened she all of a sudden wanted to be mother of the year, claiming that if she gave my husband custody, then she wouldn’t have as much access to him. They also had agreed, prior to my arrival, that she would pay child support because my husband took out and was paying on the loan for her law school education, and he was also the one who was taking care of the child! Why didn’t the Judge take any of this into consideration? It seems as if most Judges have tunnel vision. They expect most fathers to be like my ex (we’ll get to that later) so they treat all these cases the same. All fathers don’t work hard to avoid paying child support. Some actually care about their children and want what’s best for them. I’m not even saying that the Judge should’ve granted my husband custody on this basis, but he didn’t have to treat him like he was a deadbeat dad. But, once again justice prevails for those who have the most money and power to withstand the fight.

My case, on the other hand, turned out a bit different. My ex is one of those people whose main objective was to avoid child support and responsibility for that matter. To this day, he tries to falsify his income so that he doesn’t have to pay a fair amount for child support, but he’ll get his. Hasn’t he learned by now that you can’t pull one over on me??? Better yet, why would you even try after the last battle that you lost in court? My ex has gotten so much better about being financially responsible for our son since this post was written.

At any rate, initially my ex caught me off guard by serving me with a notice to appear at an emergency hearing regarding visitation with our son. He alleged that I wouldn’t let him see our son, which was partially true. My ex would pop into town after being gone for 10 months out of the year (he’s an overseas basketball player), on a moment’s notice, wanting visitation with our son. If he was in summer camp, he wanted to remove him because he thinks the sun rises and sets on his ass. Not to mention, he had lied to the court so he wouldn’t have to pay a fair amount for child support, and my son didn’t know him well enough to even WANT extended visitation with him (this alone should prove that my ex was never around prior to this little stunt he pulled). Now, his request for visitation would not have been a problem if he was a consistent parental figure in our son’s life, but he wasn’t. 

I didn’t have time to get an attorney. He had me served literally 40 minutes prior to the hearing – you got off. But, like I’ve always told him, “don’t start a fight with me that you aren’t prepared to finish.” He should’ve thought twice before faking his little temper tantrum to look like he was a concerned father just to impress his little girlfriend. I found the best attorney that my $2,000 retainer fee would buy, and I was prepared to finish the fight he had started. At this point, my ex was paying child support every now and then, and he only saw our son for about a week of nonconsecutive days in the summer. By the way, he saw our son as much as he wanted to. Something else was and still is always more important than him. If I was away from my son for 10 months out of every year, I would at least dedicate those 8 weeks to him. Knowing that because I had not been there HE might not want to see me, but it wouldn’t keep me from trying to see him. I realize that he has a family (his wife and other son), but ya’ll can’t sacrifice for 8 weeks so that you can spend some time getting to know your son. Not to mention that he refused to adhere to a set schedule, claiming that he could not do so because his professional overseas basketball work schedule wouldn’t allow him to. At any rate, by the time the nearly year long battle was over he was nearly in tears due to the child support payment that the Judge enforced. She made his payments retroactive from the time he started lying about his income so he wouldn’t have to pay more money (which was nearly 4 years prior). And, visitation would be at my discretion unless he provided me with 60 days advanced notice prior to entering into the country. After it was all said and done, I ended up with a legal bill of over $10,000. However, it was worth it because money got me an attorney that produced the results that were in my child’s best interest.

Are you starting to see how this works? In the first case we had no money and our wack attorney produced wack results. In the second example, we were able to pay for an experienced attorney who produced great results. Either case was never really about the child. It was about which attorney could present the best case, and more importantly, how much money you had to keep that attorney engaged in the back and forth arguing that is often necessary to persuade the Judge.

As a result, it’s a shame that serious decisions regarding children are generalized in this way. After all, the Judge and attorneys claim that these family court laws and regulations are designed to protect the interest of the child. For some reason it’s hard for me to believe that.

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I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for SOME!

Divorced Dads

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