Communication Principles of Marriage

As this week’s inspiration says, Author Rob Flood credits the principle of first response  that helped him change his attitude and save his marriage. This principle tells us that the course of any conflict is determined by the responder, not the initiator. As the responder you have the power to determine the direction of the conversation. As unfair as it may seem, when your spouse angrily approaches you with a concern, you can make a choice to diffuse the situation with the type of response you give. You can make a choice to either pay attention to the message or the approach. If you focus on the message, you will be more likely to respond accordingly instead of trying to match his or her anger.

Flood also outlines the principle of physical touch that helped to save his marriage. Once an argument has already started, this principle is hard to apply. As such, if  you apply the first principle and diffuse the situation before a full blown argument starts, the second principle will be much easier to apply. This principle suggests that when you know you’re headed for war, hold hands, sit close to each other so you can naturally touch. Ever wonder why marriage counselors always make spouses face each other and hold hands? In my case, if a situation is really intense, I suggest that the couple sit with their backs touching each other so they are still touching but not distracted by each others’ facial expressions. This is because it’s hard to fight with someone when you’re making physical contact. Try it. The next time your spouse angrily approaches you with a problem that has obviously been bothering him or her for quite some time, take his or her hand, and say, “let’s sit down and talk about it.” Your response will likely surprise him or her enough to actually do what you are suggesting and you will let him or her know that you are interested in hearing his or her concerns. This will allow you both to work toward a solution instead of focusing on the argument.

Research suggests that only 7% of our communication are based on content; meaning, we don’t hear each other enough to even disagree on what each other are saying. What we are mainly arguing about is the fact that we are both angry and the approach; which is why 38% of communication is based on tone of voice and 55% is based on non-verbal signals such as facial expressions and gestures. Although the responsibility falls on both of the participants in the argument, it is easier to diffuse an argument via the response rather than the initiation. And throughout a marriage, both of you are definitely going to swap positions as the responder and the initiator.  As such, you may find yourself angrily approaching your spouse and need a gentle answer instead of harsh words as the response. Remember, it’s  not about being right or proving to each other that you could be on an episode of Law and Order, it’s about getting each other.

Solomon said, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

How to Have Healthy Arguments in Your Marriage

It has been proven time and time again that no real relationship or marriage exists without healthy argument and disagreements.  All humans are different and have different opinions and views and this certainly applies in today’s modern families.  Marriages are not exempt.  Differences, although can be looked at from a negative point of view, are actually healthy and build character in your marriage.  Of course, as long as these differences/disagreements are not something that cause irreversible harm and/or discord.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think by ignoring their problems or brushing them under the rug, that time or the absence of discussion about them will keep them from resurfacing.  However, the exact opposite is true.  Silencing yourself, pushing your feelings and problems under the rug will only enhance them.  It will not only be the cause of their resurfacing, but the cause of them exploding into something much worse!

When issues arise, being objective is key to overcoming problems.  In my work, it is often easy for me to listen to a couple and pretty much immediately point out exactly what is going on between them and whether or not it is something they are going to be able to work out.   At times, to them, it seems that I can even understand their relationship better than they can.   How…you might ask?  Simply, my point of view of their relationship is objective and not personal as it is with them.   As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.“  The key word being “objective.”

In every relationship, each person not only deserves to have their point of view validated when issues arise but also they deserve to know that their opinions matter to their spouse.   For example, you and your spouse are in an argument because your husband comes home, immediately gets his newspaper and beer and for the next hour ignores everyone and everything around him. He even gets upset when you interrupt him because you have supper on the table.  When communicating your feelings, you might begin with “I understand that reading is very relaxing for you but we haven’t seen one another all day and when we don’t eat together, I feel disconnected from you,”  instead of immediately going for the jugular with “You grabbing the paper and ignoring me is pissing me off.”   Being a little empathetic to your spouse’s reason for his/her behavior goes a long way.

A great tool in communication is empathy.  Try walking in your partners shoes (or thinking about it that way) when a situation arises.  Separating yourself and your marriage from the problem at hand is a good start.  When things are stalled, ask your partner “What can WE do to change this?“  Think of ways around what you are arguing about and sometimes, just simply agreeing to disagree on an issue is enough.  This simple step can be applied in your blended family environment as well.

Another great tool to use is to adopt a bit of flexibility when you are having disagreements, especially if you have been known to be on the stubborn side at times.  When you are willing to give a little bit and take a little bit, you will find that your spouse will be inclined to do the same.

Learning the art of being objective, flexible, empathetic and respectful with your spouse are valuable lessons in creating productive communication through disagreement, and of which will carry the two of you for a lifetime.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Describe Your Ulitmate Mental Vacation and win an XM Satellite Radio!

Today’s Modern Family is giving away a brand new Sirius Sportster 5 XM Satellite Radio! All you have to do is read the Take a Mental Vacation to Avoid Stress post and then describe your ultimate mental vacation in the comments section of the post. The winner will be randomly chosen on April 1, 2010 at 8pm EST.

About the Sirius Sportster 5

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Friendship is a Secret Weapon

I read this post about friendship on author of Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin’s blog, and decided to share this valuable information about friendship with Today’s Modern Family readers. Be sure to check out her blog by clicking on her name.

By Guest Blogger, Wednesday Martin

Do you have a Valentine’s Day hangover? Have you read a million articles and heard a million news reports about marriage and love and crazy proposal schemes and so on over the last days and weeks? Couples and romance are big news-and big business. With so much recent emphasis on the couple bond, romance, love, sex, and so on during the build-up to Valentine’s Day, some other very important relationships may not have gotten their due.

I’m talking about you and your friends. Why you need them, what they do for you, why you literally can’t live (or can’t live as well) without them.

I am honored to find myself a finalist for a “Books for a Better Life” award along with Jeffrey Zazlow. You know him-he co-authored The Final Lecture with Randy Pausch, and more recently wrote The Girls from Ames, a chronicle of the lives and friendships of 11 women from Ames, Iowa over the course of 40 years.

Zazlow found that, in spite of the fact that the women moved apart and lived in eight different states, their friendships sustained them in critical and remarkable ways. One woman lost a child to leukemia. Another battled breast cancer. The women dealt with transitions like divorce, job loss and the stresses of caring for their kids and their parents. Over and over, they supported one another with phone calls, gifts, and emails, extending and benefiting from the tangible and intangible rewards of friendship.

What does science have to say about social support and emotional and physical well-being? You might be surprised. Last spring a New York Times article summarized some pretty incredible research about what friendship can do for us, concluding that friendship is a, if not the, key ingredient in the brew of a healthy life.

A 2004 Ohio State University study looked at the effects of the stress hormone cortisol on lone hamsters versus those paired with a furry friend. Researchers found that skin wounds healed nearly twice as fast in the befriended hamsters. These animals also produced less of the stress hormone cortisol than unpaired hamsters. Here’s something else: if the researchers deliberately stressed the hamsters by putting them in a confined area, those hamsters who had company in the stressful situation produced less cortisol than the ones confined alone. And presence of another hamster increased the hamsters’ oxytocin levels. That’s a feel-good, happy type hormone that is also produced when you nurse a baby or fall madly in love. The study’s lead author concludes, “Stress delays wound healing in humans and other animals, and social contact helps counteract this delay.” That’s right, friendship helps us heal.

Another study of 3,000 nurses found that those without friends were four times as likely to die as those with ten or more friends. And here’s something amazing: the women didn’t have to see or even be in touch with those friends for the friendship to have a protective effect. And just last year Harvard University researchers found that a good network of friends could promote brain health and improve memory function as we age.

Social support is good for guys, too. A Swedish study found that only smoking was a greater predictor of having a hard attack than was not having friends. That’s right, not having friends can be almost as bad for your health as smoking. And as for smoking alone-okay, I’ll stop!

As to your mental health, it seems friendships give us a leg up and a positive attitude, a sense that we Can Do (what woman partnered with someone with kids couldn’t use that?) One of my favorites is the slope slant study. College students were asked to stand at the bottom of a slope and describe its steepness. Those who stood with friends rated the slope as less steep, and the longer they’d been friends with the person they stood with, the less steep they rated it. Climb every mountain -with your best pal.

What does all this mean for women with stepchildren? I don’t think I need to spell it out for you. In a stressful situation your best bet may well be to find some supportive friends, and then hang on like hell. Get out-a good goal might be once a week-away from your home, your partner, and his or her kids if they’re in residence, and have a good time. One of my readers has a regular get-together with friends who have martinis and touch up their color or get haircuts (Okay, maybe the combination of gin and scissors makes me a little nervous, but that’s just me. And we know that even a bad haircut pales in comparison to bad physical and mental health brought on or exacerbated by social isolation!)

You could try a rotating movie night, bowling, whatever works to keep you feeling connected to your pals. Izzy Rose of Stepmother’s Milk is a big proponent of Girl’s Night Out-check out her website for suggestions.

Yes, your spouse is a great person. But research shows that couples who don’t make the extra effort can become isolated in their marriages-marooned together in essence (Gerstel and Sarkisian, “Marriage Reduces Social Ties,” paper for the Council on Contemporary Families, 2007). This can be especially maladaptive for stepcouples, since they may experience aggravating fractures and differences in opinion in their parnterships for the first several years and even longer. Getting out with friends can be a great release and rejuvenator for them, a way to step away from their differences, connect with friends, and feel supported in fundamental and, it turns out, life-altering, if not life-saving, ways.

That’s right. It turns out that friends are the new glass of red wine. Or the new dark chocolate. Or the new green tea. So indulge in friendship, without guilt.

The Art of Civility in Today’s Modern Family

We all learned to play nice in Kindergarten….right?  In today’s modern family, the term “playing nice” can be non-existent.   Our relationships have a significant impact on our lives.  In other words, a part of life is what our relationships make it.  Civility in our relationships, whether that be with our husbands, wives or ex-spouses, encourages strength, which in turn helps us to be better parents, individuals and spouses.

You might be wondering how one might navigate through to an end result of civility despite all of the incivilities that blended/step family issues can promulgate?  My answer:  Clear communication.  There is great power in having honest and frank dialogue when issues arise within your direct unit (i.e., with your spouse when a situation arises with your stepchild; or with your ex-spouse when a situation with your child is reeling out of control). Open and honest communication helps between units (i.e., your family and your ex’s family) when sensitive situations arise that may need the attention of all family members (including step-parents).  However, be reminded that a like-minded attitude toward civility has to be on the agenda for all parties involved and accepting that someone else may not be willing to effectuate same is a hard pill to swallow, but one that is necessary.   At that point, all you can do is work on yourself and work on the issues that directly affect your unit.

For example, accepting and attempting to understand one another is a powerful tool.  Being mutually respectful and demonstrating equality to your spouse will strengthen your bond and allow you to open the floodgates of interpersonal communication.  When in the heat of an argument, instead of trying to solidify all of your points, open the door to exploring your spouse’s points of view as well, and when you have made a mistake, be humble and apologize.

The following are a few tips you might consider:

1.  Before speaking, consider the impact your words will have on others.
2.  Pause and take a moment to reflect before you allow your emotions to get the best of you.
3.  Be aware of your body language when you are trying to get your point across.  This is a huge pointer.
4.  Take responsibility for your own actions and words.
5.  Manage your reactions.
6.  Have realistic perspectives and expectations.
7.  Ask yourself questions before retreating to asking others.
8.  Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Each individual is different.  Being civil, despite our differences, can be a task in and of itself.  Whether it be in our personal love relationship, our friendships or our work environments, it is important that we admit and learn from our mistakes, strengthen our skills and talk about the differences that may be separating us on particular issues. Doing so will allow us to effectively bond, whether that be in our co-parenting relationships,  friendships,  marriages and  lives in general.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Live Happy iPhone App

Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at UC Riverside and author of the book “The How of Happiness,” has teamed up with Signal Patterns, developers of psychology-based Web and mobile applications, to create the new “Live Happy” iPhone application.

This application is the first of its’ kind and will guide users through a set of daily activities to boost short and long-term happiness, including:

• Goal setting/evaluating/tracking
• Expressing gratitude directly
• Keeping a gratitude journal
• Replaying happy days
• Keeping a savoring photo album
• Envisioning your best possible self
• Nurturing relationships
• Remembering acts of kindness

Prompts in the application will also allow users to measure their happiness on a regular basis, and will help identify which happiness strategies are right for them.

The application builds on traditional happiness programs that previously had been only found in books. With the iPhone’s capabilities to e-mail and text message, write notes, and take photos, the “Live Happy” app provides a comprehensive program that engages users on an interactive platform whenever and wherever they go.

I am so excited about this application as many stepfamily members CHOOSE to get stuck by dwelling on their negative pasts instead of moving forward. Lyubomirsky’s research suggests that happiness is a choice and this new app is a perfect way to get people to make a deliberate effort to choose happiness.

The app is available on the Apple App Store for the iPhone and the iPod Touch. A free version, which supports a limited number of activities, is also available for download. The paid version includes unlimited activities and the “Ask Sonja” feature that allows people to send questions to Lyubomirsky.

Sonja Lyubomirsky

Lyubomirsky has extensively studied and written about the psychology of enduring emotions – specifically, happiness and depression. She explores how exceptionally happy people view themselves and their worlds, and how that enables them to stay upbeat and, most important, how less happy individuals can learn such happiness-enhancing habits.

This story was first published here.

Stepmother Bill of Rights

I recently read an interesting post about a stepmother’s bill or rights on Becoming a Stepmom. Apparently there have been some interesting discussions floating around on the net about whether or not it is dangerous to stepfamilies. Below is one version of the bill of rights and my perspective on each.

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

I agree with this one and don’t think it’s unreasonable for a married woman to want to be part of the decision-making process in her marriage and family at all times. I thought that’s how a married couple was supposed to operate. I think some people have a problem with this particular “right” because they assume that stepmothers mean that they should be involved in picking the school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc.for their stepchild. This is not what this “right” is saying. Stepmothers aren’t demanding control here, they are asking to be included on the decisions that directly affect them and their marriage as a whole and their husbands should include them on matters that will affect their marriage and family.

2. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

Similar to the one above, this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Again, stepmothers aren’t asking to be included on choosing schools, dentists, doctors or signing their stepchildren up for extra curricular activities. I think all this falls under the heading of “common sense.” We know that we don’t need to be consulted on those types of things and don’t expect to be, IF the decisions don’t affect us. It’s when you sign them up and then notify the stepmother that she is the one who will be taking him every week that’s the problem. You can’t make plans for someone else’s life. My biological parents were married nearly 30 years before my dad passed away and neither of them ever signed us up for activities and then told the other (without checking their schedules) that he or she would be the one taking him. It’s called common courtesy and isn’t unreasonable to expect, even for a stepmother.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

This is another one that I find very difficult to understand why certain people don’t get it. Some have said that stepmothers should just accept that they won’t be involved in discipline because it should be left up to mom and dad and/or the children just won’t accept it.  Personally, I don’t think CHILDREN should have a say in this matter. If you do something wrong and you’re in the care of an adult, that adult should have the right to discipline you. If the children are with grandma, do you tell her that she can’t discipline them when they misbehave? What about at school? When they do something wrong at school, do you expect the school not to implement some form of discipline because it should be left up to the biological parents? If your answer to either of those questions is no, then tell me, why should that be any different for stepmom? If the children are under her supervision, she should be allowed to set agreed upon limits for and discipline them. The fact that the kids won’t always listen has nothing to do with my right, as an adult, to impart discipline on them. Heck, sometimes my biological kid doesn’t listen and/or readily accept discipline, but that doesn’t stop me from disciplining him.

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

This one all depends on the circumstances. Dad has an obligation to care for his children and stepmom cannot and should not dictate if his children can come live in his home or not, UNLESS that child has been violent towards her or any other children in the home. At that point, the stepmother should definitely be consulted and part of the reunification process as well.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
This one I can agree with!

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

I think this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Stepmothers aren’t telling their husbands not to pay child support. We know that there are agreements that were made and must be adhered to, before we came along. Not to mention that a father should take care of his children, no matter where they reside and I wouldn’t expect anything less from my husband. However, there are times when ex-wives often want above and beyond what has been court ordered, and if it falls outside of the court-ordered amount which has already been budgeted and agreed upon, then yes, husband should consult with stepmom (his wife). As an ex, there have been times when I’ve called my ex and expressed that I needed some extra money for our son and I never got offended when he said he had to talk it over with his wife first to see what and/or if they could afford it. I think it is a fantasy for ex-wives to assume that they will forever be the ONLY partner in these types of decisions that involve their children once their ex-spouse remarries.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

I agree with this one. It all falls under the issue of respect, but kids, whether biological or step, don’t always listen and follow rules. It has nothing to do with them being your stepchildren and everything to do with them just being children.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.

This one is another one that is often misinterpreted. It has nothing to do with instantly feeling like family and more to do with some of the points mentioned above; such as consulting stepmoms on certain decision, allowing them to be involved in discipline when the children are in their care and so on.  Not doing those things is what makes stepmoms feel like outsiders. It’s not the fact that their husband’s kids prefer them and go to him with or ask him everything. Again, growing up in my biological family, I sometimes had a preference for one parent over the other, and they were both my biological parents. Personally, I’ve never felt like an outsider in my home. I actually enjoy the times that both my bio son and stepson prefer to be with my husband. It is at those times that I get a the opportunity to have some “me” time. I think most stepmothers feel like outsiders for other reasons.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

I totally agree with this one! Respect is one of our household rules.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

This one makes me want to pull my hair out because people don’t get it. I’ve heard everything from, “children are a priority too” or “you can’t neglect the kids” or “isn’t that selfish?” I’m a little taken aback with people always telling stepmothers what they already know. We know that kids are a priority too! We know that it’s not the marriage or the kids, it’s marriage and kids. We don’t neglect our children just because we expect our marriage to be a priority. A marriage will not last unless it’s the first priority. The husband and wife are the pillars of the family. They are responsible for setting the foundation for how the family will run. If they don’t blend and aren’t on the same page, then the family won’t make it, be it biological or step. If they aren’t happy in their partnership and as a couple, then the family won’t be happy as a whole.  And again, it doesn’t matter if the family is biological or step.

Making your marriage a priority means that you realize that your spouse is your life partner. Make time for him or her instead of always focusing on the drama with your past marriage. Include him or her in decisions that will directly affect him or you. There shouldn’t always be a battle between your kids and/or your ex-spouse and your spouse. I always say that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner and should always be treated as such. This is what stepmoms mean by not wanting to feel like outsiders in their home and wanting their marriages to be a priority.  These are common sense things that should apply to any marriage. It doesn’t mean that stepmoms are victims, they want their husbands to just do away with all their responsibilities as fathers or they desire some unreasonable amount of control. It means that stepmoms desire to be treated like wives and life partners. Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

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Negotiating in Your Modern Family

People routinely bargain and negotiate with one another.  Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs.  This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well.  In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.

As we all know, bargaining can of course also be a useful tool.  However, it can at times work against us and become inefficient when dealing with modern family issues.  For example, instead of following the court order regarding visitation (i.e., during holidays and school breaks), one parent or the other often re-negotiates the original agreement with the expectation that it will please everyone, only to be disappointed when the outcome goes awry.   In this case, bargaining and negotiating the court order probably did more harm than good.  As such, to avoid these type of issues, following the established court order is the best way to go.

Another example of ineffective bargaining is bargaining over positions in your modern family.  For example, your wife has made an arrangement with her ex-husband and hasn’t consulted you.  You state your position that you should be involved in every decision regardless of whether the outcome affects you personally or not when in fact, if the the outcome doesn’t involve you, it really isn’t necessary that the issue be discussed with you.  However, this type of positional bargaining will always become a battle.  Your husband won’t give in and you won’t either and now you have an all out war on your hands.  Each task after that becomes conflicted because you both don’t want to change your positions.  After which, the result ends in resentment and the original concern that got you there in the first place often get lost in space.  Positional bargaining in your marriage can be detrimental for the mere fact that we are  humans and we have strong emotions.  Often, however, we allow our emotions to take over our perception of the actual issue or problem we are faced with.  This particularly holds true for members of today’s modern family.  If we decide to attack the problem instead of the person, we have effectively taken the “bargaining position” out of the problem and we can then effectively negotiate.  As long as we are not owning problems that aren’t ours to own. 

Lesson:  Bargain or negotiate only over things that you can control within your family.

Furthermore, we have to keep in mind that negotiating in a bio/nuclear family is totally different than negotiating or bargaining in a modern/step family. In a bio/nuclear family, there are two adults with whom to negotiate and consider, and that’s the two biological parents. In a modern/step family there are at least three and sometimes four or more adults with whom to negotiate and consider, which often times makes negotiating way more difficult.   The paradigm that I like to describe this with is it would be like playing chess with the rules of checkers.  Communicating issues, concerns and options with the members of your modern family is fantastic and healthy, but knowing when the bargaining tactic is not useful helps as well.

One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is titled “Getting to Yes – Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  I read this book years ago when I was having issues with my ex.  The book says, and I quote, “how you see the world depends on where you sit.”  That is the most powerful statement in the book.  The authors go on to say that each person in conflict usually can only see their side of a problem and also only see the faults of the other, however, it is the ability to see the situation as the other person sees it (whether it is your husband or wife, ex-spouses, children or step-children), as difficult as that may may be, is one of the most important values and skills you can ever possess.

Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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